Original subtitles

We're right here.

- Babe, you all right ? - Yeah.

You're making sprinkler sounds with your mouth.

Yeah. I'm... I'll calm down when I see the venue, if that makes sense.

Like you said, it's 300 people,

and that's way bigger than I've performed for,

so when I see the stage I think I'll calm down a little bit.

You're good. Like, we worked on these jokes.

The NACA showcase is like no big deal. Just do your act.

Make them laugh, and I'm sure you'll book a lot of colleges.

So relax and enjoy our ride to Philadelphia.

Okay. I will.

Well, you can't trust her 'cause you guys are fucking.

All right. Hey, can you not look at your phone while we'redriving ?

No, I got it. I do this all the time.

Right, but you shouldn't 'cause it's illegal and dangerous.

It's basically like drinking and driving.

I actually put it in my phone too, so I'm happy to navigate.

You guys talking is actually distracting me more, so I'm just trying to focus...

- On killing us. - I can only do two things at once.

You're focusing on trying to murder us by being obstinate.

I'm just trying to keep it simple. Phone and road.

Just look forward. I got it. You're supposed to go straight.

- We got one more. - One more what ?

- You have... someone else is coming ? - Yeah. We're picking somebody up.

Hey !

Is that Melissa Villasenor ? You rep Melissa Villasenor fromSNL ?

Yeah. I rep a lot of people you don't know about.

My finger is in many pots.

Hi ! Listen, you can have shotgun.

- Oh, thanks ! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's nice. Thank you.

- Got it ? - Pete, be careful. Wow.

- That's a nice bag. - Thanks.

I just wanna say you're my favorite part of SNL right now. Really.

I think you're sensational. Your Owen Wilson, it's like...

- And David Pumpkins, Mr. Pumpkins. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- David has pumpkins. - Yeah. Thanks.

Just relax. She just sat down.

- She seems okay with it. - Okay.

I've never met a cast member before.

CRASHING Season II, episode 7

I really think you're the next Kristen Wiig, but better impressions.

I just think you're phenomenal. What's it like working withLorne ?

He's a funny one.

What did you do for your audition ?

Oh, I did mainly impressions.

Like Christina Aguilera was one of my first signing impressions.

It was just really one letter, you know, you just...

It really fills the car. Fills the car with joy.

- That's so good. - Thanks.

I've been working on Malkovich,

which is just, I'm better, I'm stronger, I'm faster.

It's just over enunciating.

Sarah Silverman. I'm here in the car. My vagina is here.

What would Christina Aguilera sound like singing a lullaby ?

Hush little baby don't say a word,

and she'd wake up the baby.

Wanda Sykes impression. What the hell is this shit ?

Oh, it's so good.

- I gotta get on Snapchat. - Yeah, apparently.

- Name. - Woods.

- Here for NACA ? - Yes.

Great. Three people in a standard double for one night.

- Yeah. - Great.

Sir, are they with you ?

No. Well, two... one... two of them are.

The other guy, he's staying somewhere else.

Okay. Because the maximum is three.

You're allowed only three in the same room

because we have a lot of people abusing our extra-guest policy.

I wouldn't do that. I would never abuse a policy.

That's one of my policies, never abuse policies.

Okay. And how many keys would you like ?

- Let me do four. - Great.

And we're gonna need a cot.

Melissa, what is that stuff ?

That's my sleep mask, my noise-cancelling headphones,

and my white noise machine.

So what do you play in the headphones ?

Brown noise.

I need some dinner.

- Oh, man, me too. Can I come ? - Sure.

- You want anything ? - I'm okay.

- Melissa ? - I'm good, thanks.

The elevator is this way.

Yeah, I'm glad you came. We need to talk about your college act.

What do you mean ? I don't really have a college act. I just have my act.

Yeah. That's the problem, okay ? These kids are super sensitive.

You never know what's gonna set 'em off.

You grew up in the'80s when everybody thought

bullying was a hilarious and just normal part of life.

- Okay. So like what ? - Don't talk about abortion.

- Have you seen my act ? - Yeah. No more gypping, okay ?

You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group from any area.

- You don't want to talk about sex. - Okay, fine.

Don't talk about rape. Don't take about overdosing.

No suicide, no fire, none of that.

So what am I supposed to talk about ?

Just talk about the absurdities of the world,

or like make an observation and then talk about what's weird about it.

That's vague.

Just do like... do like there's always one guy stuff.

What is that ?

There's always one guy at the office who's always got a hat on.

Always got a hat on ?

I don't have any kids, but doesn't it kind of feel like I do ?

Kind of like a fun dad, like a dad you see at a barbecue.

Fresca. Fresca.

Let's go. Big day !

Obviously we don't want any of you to feel censored in anyway,

but I encourage if your creativity or banter within your performances

skews towards things like assault, rape, suicide, race,

kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else.

Or fire. They said don't talk about fire.

If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it, okay ?

When I was a kid, I was always eating Bubble Tape.

You guys remember Bubble Tape ? Yes, right ?

It's so good. It's like thebest gum, you know ?

And what's awesome about Bubble Tape,

instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces,

like, oh, oh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope,

like what, is this like a post office or something ?

Bubble tape though, Bubble Tape was just one like one long ass piece of gum.

Long ass piece of gum.

I would just bite into that think like a hockey puck. More for me !

I was like a Cookie Monster, but with Bubble Tape.

I was like bah, ah, ah, ah...

All right, ya'll. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Clay Dayton !

Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.

Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.

You guys know what's up.

All right. Are you guys ready for your next act ?

Please give it up for the lovely and talented Ali Reissen !

Thank you. Oh, my God, it's so good to be here.

So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill. Yeah ?

- You guys got roommates ? - Yeah !

Yeah, that's a whole thing. I had a roommate in college,

she would always walk around naked, you know ?

She would always refer to her breasts as the twins,

which I thought was funny because I'm like,

I've seen the twins, and they're fraternal.

I was like, I don't know if the left one is from the same father, you know ?

She was like, what do you mean ? I'm like the left one's black and...

Colleges are scary now though.

Like, you got a lot of activities, obviously.

You can get involved in so many things.

Let's see, sports, theater, rape is pretty big.

Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're a girl and you go to a frat party,

like,there is a chance that you could get roofied,

which... yeah, don't laugh at that, 'cause it's fucked.

But, yeah. I think it's disgusting

that we've shortened the word Rohypnol to roofie, right ?

Like Rohypnol, it sounds, like, severe because it issevere.

It's a rape drug. And we're like, roofie,

like we made it cute which is so demented.

You can't take something terrible and make it sound adorable.

That's not acceptable.

Like, you would never be like, yeah, my roommate, she was in a car crash.

It's actually read sad.

Her head got decappied, and, yeah, it's a bummer.

It was also on 9-11sies which is just like really weird timing,

but it's okay. It's okay.

The driver, he was sentenced to life in pris.

Thank you guys. I'm Reissen, have a great night.

Ali Riessen !

This next performer, you may know her from Saturday Night Live.

Please welcome Melissa Villasenor !

Hey, you guys are the best.

Any of you guys Shakira fans ? Shakira ?

I don't know if you'll be now because I figured out something, okay ?

I realized I don't think she's all that hot

if she didn't have background music.

Like if it was just that singing voice and her dancing, it'd be this.

You want a pin ? It's my little head.

- Put it on your backpack. - We can't wait.

See ya in November.

You gotta book me on your campus. Think about it, right ?

- Hi. - This is fun.

- Did you see the slide ? - I did, yeah. It looks really fun.

There's a magician over there.

He read the serial number on a bill that I had in my wallet.

- He knew the number. - Whoa, that's crazy.

You did great.

This is brutal. This is brutal.

I feel like the ugly girl at the kissing booth.

No. You're the prettiest girl at the kissing booth.

You're not even in a booth.

Hey, how's it going ? Want a pin ?

- I'm gonna run out. - Why ?

I think I'm... I think I'm scaring the bookers away,

so maybe if you're just here, they'll... oh, that's the girl, right ?

Right.

- Ali Reissen. - All right, just go.

- From the 9:00 a.m. show. - Okay, bye. Okay, bye bye.

- Okay. Be right there. - Oh, okay. Bye.

Cool shirt.

- Hey. - Hi.

You know, this is all a big part of it,

the mingling and the, you know, meeting people.

I was also thinking you should try to get on SNL, you know ?

That's been huge for Melissa.

Yeah. No. It's a big show for her and everybody who's on it.

So maybe as a next step that'd be good for you.

Totally. Totally, totally, totally.

But because we had this conversation, if you do get SNL, I get 10 percent.

Just so you know. That's how it works.

Yeah. Okay. You're so helpful, thank you.

This was awesome. Great chat.

- Are these really two bucks ? - Yeah. They're a real steal.

- Hey, there you are. - Hey ! Any bookings ?

- No... Not yet. - That's fine.

What are you doing ?

It's my merch. I ran out and I got some.

Gas it up.

Yeah. I thought it was... might work as like a catch phrase.

Something to help me stand out. It's from a gas station.

So you're gonna write a joke to match this shirt ?

Yeah. It's like a sales pitch. This is a marketing play.

You're spiraling. Why would you do that ?

You have a great act. Just do your set.

- I don't know if a great act is enough. - What do you mean ?

They need laughs and a takeaway.

I'm not trying to, like, play to the back of the room.

I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks that book campus activities

to think that I'm a neat-o fellow, you know ?

So like nostalgia stuff, obviously impressions are killing really hard,

so I want to do some remember when stuff for these guys.

Okay. Well, sounds like you have a master plan.

I'm not gonna try to mess with it. Good luck with this.

- It's like a business card. - That you can wear.

- I know you're joking. - Sassy.

We'll see who's laughing.

Keep it going for the Chicago Boys.

Are you guys ready for your next comic ?

A super funny dude, put your hands together for Pete Holmes.

Hello ! How it's going NACA ?

Let me hear you say hey !

Ho ! NACA !

Yeah ! You guys are good.

I love High School Musical. You guys remember High School Musical ?

That was the best. That ruined regular basketball for me.

I would go to a regular basketball game,

and I'd be like, why aren't you dancing ?

Don't just pass ! Flail !

What about Harry Potter ? Harry Potter, that was the best.

I love Harry Potter. Harold M. Potter.

But I think the most magical thing about all of Harry Potter

is that it made us love books.

How did they do that ? Books ? Is there anything worse than books ?

And suddenly they're like, it's about a magical nerd,

and we're like, gimme that book !

How many pages ? A thousand ? That's not enough book.

Who here has car ? Anybody have a car ?

Anybody have a car ? You out there driving ?

Put it in drive. Put it in D. Put it in D, baby.

I love getting gas in my car. You ever treat yourself ?

You ever treat yourself and get full service ?

Full service. You don't have to do anything.

I like to put my hands behind my... gas it up.

In the road trip of life, don't go with a half tank, go with a gas it up.

Go with gas it up.

What would happen if Arnold Schwarzenegger

had an itch on his back he couldn't reach. He's just like...

Bring me the terminator hand that I might reach it.

Then he finally reaches it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my fucking God.

Then he drives homes in his Hummer, goes and get full service.

Gas it up ! Gas it up !

All right, NACA, thank you so much ! Thank you ! Thank you so much !

Come see me in Booth 550. Gas it up ! Gas it up !

Thank you, ladies. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show. Thank you.

Yes, gas it up ! Gas it up !

You got six so far, and I'm working on more.

Six ? Yes ! That's six times 1100 is like, that's almost seven grand !

Yeah. Minus hotel, travel, and my 20 percent,

that's not bad for a year's work.

You're my new show pony.

I've been paying attention to the wrong horse.

I should've been sneaking into your stable.

- You're the gas it up guy. - Hey !

- You got this. - Yes, yes, yes.

Where do you guys go to school ?

Hey. I just wanted to say you were my favorite.

Oh, thank you. That's really nice.

- What's your name ? - Nadine.

Hi, Nadine. Nice to meet you. What school do you go to ?

Earlham. You've probably never heard of it.

I go there, and I haven't heard of it.

- That's really funny. - Really ?

Yeah. Do you do comedy ?

I would, but I think I'm more like situational funny

than like writing funny.

- But you were so good. - Oh, thank you.

Like that one bit you had about dating mimes, I was like, oh, my God.

I don't... I don't have a bit about dating a mime.

Shit. I just... I saw so many comedians today.

Sure.

It's... you just guys all kind of just blurred together, you know ?

Yeah.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

Okay...

Hey.

Where'd you go ? I was looking for you.

Everybody's down there.

Came here. I didn't book any colleges,

so I'm just, you know, eating my feelings.

Turkey club ?

They do avocado, or...

I don't think they have that in Philadelphia.

I booked six on the marketplace floor,

and then I actually booked another one just networking at the mixer.

Don't say networking.

I'm sorry. What's going on ?

- Are you... what's up ? - Nothing. You deserve it, Pete.

You did everything they wanted. You were out there gassing it up.

I'm... are you upset at me ?

I just did what I thought we came here to do.

We're here to book shows. We're here to make some money.

It's not about the money. It's about the craft,

and this whole place is a circus.

Do you really think Chris Rock would stand out there

and wait for some teenager to validate his existence with a precious booking ?

Chris Rock doesn't work at a Cold Stone Creamery, right ?

I mean, we take the opportunities as they come. We can't pick and choose.

I really am sorry you didn't book, but, you know, it's not...

- You didn't exactly play ball. - Excuse me ?

You're up there swearing and you told rape jokes.

- I was doing my act. - No, I know.

And it was an anti-rape joke, if you were even listening. Yeah.

See, 'cause what I do is I use that opportunity

to make young people feel less alone

as opposed to what you did, which was take a shit on the stage.

How can you say that ? We're not here to change lives.

We're here to change our lives.

They just said don't say rape, and you open with rape.

I don't care what they said !

I know what kind of stand-up I should do.

I don't need someone else dictating my act.

Read the situation.

This wasn't the time to take a stand and try and change lives.

We're trying to get work !

Do you know what it was like for me

to watch my boyfriend up there sucking NACA's dick ?

We're supposed to suck NACA's dick ! That's why we came here.

You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick !

Honestly... honestly, you're disgusting.

I don't need advice from you on how to book, Pete, okay ?

Oh, I'm sorry. If you're so above this,

why did you come if you don't wanna gas it up a little bit ?

I came here to book. I came here to try to turn this into a career.

I don't wanna be a fucking open mic'er. Do you ?

Yes. That's my dream.

Okay. I don't... can we ... Can we back this up a little bit ?

I'm sorry, okay ? I really am. I'm sorry that it didn't go your way.

I thought it would. I thought you were great, okay ?

But, you know, I booked, that's good for us.

I'm probably gonna need somebody to open for me if you wanna...

- Someone to open for you ? - Something we can...

- Fuck you ! - Come on...

Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete.

Fuck !

Hey, we leave in five.

Also, can you call downstairs and tell them we never got any robes ?

- What are... you're stealing robes ? - Yeah. I take a lot of baths.

- Hey. - Hey.

We're gonna get going soon. You okay ?

Yeah, I guess. I'm fine.

You know, the first time I did a NACA I bombed really hard.

- All right. - No, I'm serious.

Like, I was standing in the booth,

and there was a juggler near me and a hypnotist

and they were just showing off,

and I was like, well, I just talk, you know.

Well, you know, things worked out for you, so...

You don't wanna be good at this thing though.

You're not a can of Coke. You have a different path.

There's certain comics that know this world and...

But then sometimes they're stuck in it, and that's kinda creepy.

- What happened to your voice ? - What do you mean ?

I mean, you always sound like Kermit the Frog

just got kicked in the nuts.

I guess so.

Right now you just sound like a human. What's up with that ?

What's up with that ?

Are you doing me ? Really ?

That's like such a compliment. You're easy.

Just like someone stepped on a cat.

It's okay. I'm an acquired taste. That's pretty good.

All right, all right, all right.

- Is that McConaughey ? - Yeah.

That was good. All right. I'm Matthew McConaughey.

I'm Matthew McConaughey. Gotta find my surfboard.

- Pete, you got Holy Cross. - I did ?

- Congrats. Congrats. - Thanks.

That's awesome. Congrats.

Thanks.

- Let's... We'll catch up later. - All right.

The law says you cannot touch...

But I think I see a lot of law breakers out there.

I'm starting a buyer's club in Dallas.

Good news ?

Yeah. You know, it was a good... yeah.

- That's good. - Yeah.

No, that's awesome.

Thanks.

All right, all right, all right.

I gotta get through this wormhole to meet my daughter

and send her a message through books.

Message... I need to send her a message through books.

I drive a Lincoln.

- I love a Lincoln. - Dallas Buyers.

People around here call me Mud.

End of episode 7