Original subtitles

If there's any fries left, you can have them. I'm done.

I'm supposed to have like three carbs a day.

- Really ? How's that working out ? - It's not working out.

Almost like the fourth squeezes in there sometimes.

It bugs me that you're skinnier than me. You were always my fat...

- Hey ! How's it going ? - You just sat right down, didn't you ?

Is somebody sitting here ?

No. Dude, this is the comic's table, all right ?

Yeah. But I sit with you all the time at the other club.

But this is The Cellar. The Cellar. It's different.

This is like "The Tonight Show,"

and it's like being called to walk over to the couch.

- These kids don't fucking know. - They don't know. They don't get it.

Back in my day, this table, Patrice, Giraldo, Burr.

- Real ball busters. - Right. Right.

I was scared shitless to sit at this table.

This guy just sits down like a friggin' Sesame Street character.

That shirt stinks. Can we just talk about this shirt for a second.

Did the guy who molested you leave it on your nightstand last night ?

I didn't know. I'm sorry.

That's the problem. See, this is it right here.

These guys can't it. They give it, they can't take it.

All of the sudden, he's being serious.

- Gentlemen... - Hey, what's up ?

Hey, Pete, get the fuck up. He's on the lineup. Beat it.

You know, I will get up out of respect.

Larry Sanders. Stepbrothers.

Absolutely correct.

- Look at that. He knows my credits. - There had to be one.

Could I get a sink water, please ?

- He walks in and... - He's dumb as mud.

I'm actually starting my own table.

You have to have no credits or respect to sit here.

How's that shirt, Bob Vila ? You look like you're gonna build a table.

- What's your name again ? - My name...

Nobody cares. Shut up. Oh, God, where did you get this kid ?

I have a book out. It's a Hollywood memoir.

It's called "I'll Take That as a No,"

and it's being released directly to PDF.

CRASHING

Season 2, episode 6

Hey, wings ?

What ?

- Would you like some wings ? - I...

This is way too much for me.

This is like for a family of four from the Midwest.

- I would love some wings, yes. - Come on over.

Yeah. Come on over. The bullies are gone.

- You are totally safe. - I'm honored.

- It's Pete, right ? - Yes, Pete.

- Wayne. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Just grab something there. - Thank you, I will.

- Oh, the drumstick. That's bold. - Should I not ?

No. You should totally take the best thing on there.

- I'm kidding. Eat ! - Thank you very much.

- I really am a huge fan of yours. - Well, thanks.

You're in one of my favorite scenes in "Curb".

"Legally Blonde."

You know, I made a career out of being in one scene in a movie

and then never seeing me again.

I guess you're right. Right ?

Yeah. One scene and out. I call it the Federman in and out.

I think you could be in lots of scenes.

In fact, I get connected to your character,

I see your character and I go, what's that guy's story ?

I appreciate that. So, are you going up tonight ?

Well, not here, obviously, but I get up.

- I do the alt scene a little bit. - Right.

I'm trying to get into the college market.

I just submitted a tape to NACA. I don't know...

- They still have NACA ? - They still have NACA.

NACA changed my life. Changed my life.

I booked like 80 colleges, paid off my student loan,

but more important to me was I wrote on my tax forms "comedian."

- Is that crazy ? - No.

- It was so important to me. - That's everything. That's all I want.

I haven't had a real job since. That's what NACA did for me.

And how about this as a bonus ? Take the rest of these. I'm gonna go.

- But so nice meeting you. - Nice to meet you.

- Ah, maybe the... a little... - Right. Yeah.

I'm sure I'll see you though. I mean,

I pop in here a couple times a week so, I'll see you again ?

Yeah. I'm actually... Well, I'm taking a break.

I have Hodgkins. So...

What ? Oh, my God.

Don't worry. Don't panic. It's totally treatable.

It's just I can't afford the treatments. I can't afford the bills.

It's like a wholething.

Yeah. So I'm just gonna move back in with my parents.

I'm gonna try squirrel away some money.

I'm so sorry. I hope it works out for you.

It'll work out. Nice meeting you, Pete. Enjoy those wings.

Thank you. Be well.

Hey ! We got it, buddy. All right.

Do me a favor, tag me on that so people know I'm alive.

Artie, geez, man, did you know about Wayne ?

What ? He try to touch your leg ?

No ! He's sick. And he's like he can't afford...

His insurance is fucking him,

and he doesn't have money to pay for his medical care.

I feel back too, man, but what, he's got no money ?

None of us have any money. Look at us. What are we doing here ?

- It breaks my heart. - Yeah.

A guy that's been working for so long,

he can't even afford to pay for his treatment ?

I mean, we gotta help him.

You got any bone marrow lying around, because that's what he needs.

What do you think's gonna happen here ? Come on.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

We could just do a show and give him the money.

- We could do like a benefit. - Oh, a benefit ?

- We could do a benefit. - Let me explain something to you.

Every time a comedian does a show,

it's a benefit for themselves. That's how it is.

Yeah. But it wouldn't even be that hard.

We just need to get a group of comics together.

If you headline, all the other comics will fall into line.

Put up a great lineup. Raise some money.

- Sounds easy. - It is easy. I could even host.

- Oh, wait, wait. You'll host ? - I could host.

Yeah. Now I get your angle. You'll host. I am rubbing off on you.

I get what's going on here. You wanna use his sickness

to get stage time. Is that what's going on ?

Artie, I'm not doing this for me. I'm just saying could put it together.

Make it really, really easy. All you have to do is show up.

I'll do anything to make this stop, explain something to you.

- I'll headline. - You'll headline ? You'll do it ?

Honestly, you know what ? I'm being honest with you.

I will headline, but you gotta do the work, okay ?

- Of course. - I feel bad. He's a good guy.

Hey, you're a good man, Arthur.

I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day,

so I'm putting out some karma.

And do me a favor. Promise me one thing.

When my benefit comes around, you're not hosting.

Personally I like sweet cream as a base

because it doesn't like overwhelm the mix-ins.

For me it's all about tasting the mix-ins.

Oreo overload is popular.

I'm gonna take my break, but Camila...

Camila, can you assist me, please ? Thank you, ladies.

- What ? - You have stubble.

- This ? - Yeah.

- This pinch of sand. - Yeah, just a sprinkle of salt.

Yeah. Don't get used to it. I haven't shaved in like nine days.

This is it. You're looking at it. It's crazy.

- That's crazy. - I don't shave except these guys.

These guys grow little hairs so I clean them off in the shower.

- I'm sorry. That's gross. - That's not gross.

- I'm a gross person. - No. We all have hairs.

I have this one hair growing out of my nipple.

It's like real long. I could shave it,

but I'm not gonna shave it because I wanna see how long it'll get.

It's so weird. I have, like pride. I love her. I call her Betty.

Is it weird that I know Betty ?

That makes me sad. I want her to be my little secret.

- No. No, it's lovely. You're lovely. - I know.

You should be proud.

I don't know. I feel like you'd look cute with a beard.

Really ? I think about it though.

The worst part of not being able to grow a beard, it's a man thing...

Like, if I'm on a desert island, that's like when men grow beards.

- Like Tom Hanks ? - Yeah.

If I was on a desert island, a rescue chopper would fly by,

they'd look down and they'd think I was fine.

Oh, let's save that... no.

Roll the ladder back up. That guy's just looking to get away.

He wants to be here.

Yeah. He's clearly shaving. He's found resources.

That's so funny. You should write that down.

- Really, you think that's stage funny ? - Yeah, it's a bit.

Oh, sorry.

- Oh, shit, it's Greg. I got Rififi. - That's great.

- I got Rififi ! - Oh, yay !

They want me to do five minutes on Rififi, that's amazing !

I might have put in a little word.

- What ? You did ? - Yeah.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I told them you're great, 'cause you're great.

I got a sugar mama ! Thank you !

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store ?

Do you think it's "Just take it" ?

Just take it. Thanks for working here.

I'm not a very manly guy. I can't grow a beard,

which is fine, but, you know, I was thinking about it.

What if I'm in like a plane crash and I have to live on a deserted island.

If I can't grow a beard, the rescue chopper is gonna come by,

they're gonna see me, they'll think I'm fine.

Oh I guess he just wanted to get away,

because he's clearly found a way to shave.

So he's got resources. So roll the ladder back up, he's okay.

- You Nick ? - Excuse me ?

- Who are you ? - I'm looking for Artie, Artie Lange ?

- Oh, Artie's not here. - Sorry, is he coming back or... ?

Yeah, like in five or ten minutes, all right ?

Is... Can he... So he just left you... ?

- Yeah. Wait in the hallway. - You want me to wait in the...

You know what ? You're right.

Wait in here. I don't like this hallway for you.

- Come on. - I could...

- You can wait in here. - Okay.

Is this the guy ?

No. He's a friend of Artie's. He's gonna wait for him here.

How you doing ? I'm Raymond, this is Gene.

We're friends of Artie's from the neighbourhood.

How do you know him ?

I'm a comedian too.

Oh, yeah. You talk in a microphone, right ?

You know, that reminds me how I know Artie.

We got a mutual friend that got hit by a train

but he only got his foot cut off.

But it wasn't so bad, right ? Anyway, that's how we met.

It was fucking funny. It was fucked up.

Well, I don't... I'm gonna have to run to my car, so I'll just... Okay ?

Definitely, man. Watch your hand in the door.

Okay. Thank you.

- Hi. Is Artie Lange performing ? - No.

Thank you.

This is like the eighth time you called me, Pete. What do you want ?

- You're all right ? - I'm fine.

Artie, you don't look fine.

Well, thanks, man, 'cause I don't own a mirror.

- So, I mean... - So what.

Hey look, you called me, I called you back, all right ?

So this is your idea. What's going on ?

You... it took you a while to call me back.

- And then, who were those guys ? - What guys ?

The guys that you... had two sketchy guys in your apartment.

- They're my sketch group. - Artie, these guys came over.

They... they had drugs. They were doing drugs.

Look. First of all Columbo, I don't know anything about that. Nothing.

If someone's doing drugs I... I don't know anything about drugs.

It was right here. It was in your house.

Artie, you can't be using. You know this.

I thought you were in recovery.

First of all, I'm not using. Okay ? Let's get that straight.

Don't be yelling out that bullshit. It costs me work. I'm not using.

I'm in recovery actively. I would never shoot up with them.

First of all, I saw them possibly doing something weird and I got out of here.

That's good, that's... I'm proud of you.

Oh, thanks for being proud of me.

That's not easy to do. That's amazing.

I just want to help you, man.

If you're on a good streak, I just want to be here.

I gotta tell you something. Usually I blow people off like this,

but you're different than my New York buddies.

You're way more sincere, and I appreciate that. I do.

- I appreciate it. I do. Thank you. - I appreciate you.

- Thank you. - Thank you for telling me that.

I'd like to thank you for being here. Nobody else is here, you know ?

You're probably the best friend I got right now, and I appreciate it.

You know, you are.

- Well, let me help you. - You wanna help ?

I wanna be... let me help you.

All right. Well, let's do something good, positive then.

Yes. You gotta replace a bad habit with a good habit.

I saw a Ted Talk. You just got to retrain your brain.

Well, I'm in. Let's do it.

Well, I'll tell you what a good habit is for me. I'm starving.

- Let's go get something to eat. - I would love to.

I'm sorry things aren't easy for you right now, but, you know.

Yeah, it's not easy. It's life's weird now. It really is.

Are you going to meetings or...

I gotta tell you. The whole thing about AA,

it feels a little to religious for me, you know ?

And God with me, quite frankly has got some explaining to do.

- What do you mean ? - What do I mean ?

So, your father becomes a quadriplegic by falling off a roof with no insurance.

You gotta go on welfare, and it ruins your whole family.

That doesn't make you feel like there's somebody up there

that's looking out for you.

And, you know, I'm a little cynical about it, quite frankly.

- What do you want me to tell you ? - I'm so sorry.

To be honest, I've been haying a hard time

with the whole higher power thing myself.

Really ? You ? Why ?

I don't know. So much of my life I was afraid of God.

Now I'm looking back, I didn't do stuff.

- Maybe I missed out. I don't know. - What stuff ?

I was so worried about hell, I didn't wanna...

Like I wouldn't jerk off

just in case Jesus came back while I was masturbating.

Wow. That would be horrible luck. Bad timing.

It's confusing.

Yeah. Well, life can be a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you.

It could be pretty confusing. I feel for you, man. I do.

Isn't this nice ? I mean, get the blood going, getting fresh air.

You know, they say exercise gets the... releases the...

Endorphins. If you say "endorphins" now, I'm gonna throw you off a bridge.

I just gotta... I gotta sit down. I'm having a good time.

- I just gotta sit down. I'm tired. - That doesn't look clean.

I'll disinfect you when we leave.

This does feel nice though.

I'm not... I'm not kidding. I really feel better.

I feel like I should do this more often and just breathe air.

I feel young, you know ?

- I'm glad. - Thank you.

- I like seeing you like this. - You do ? Yeah ?

I didn't know when you were young. When were you young ?

The '30s. Those were good times, see ?

You would've been a great gang boss.

You know what ? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Uh, honestly, this is very, very cute,

but you're gonna start turning into a date pretty soon,

so, I'm gonna get going.

- I'll see you tonight, right ? - Yeah.

Thanks, man. You know, this really was something else.

- I appreciate it. I love you, buddy. - I love you, man. I'll see you.

- Okay. Take care of yourself, man. - Bye, Arthur.

- I love that shirt. - I get it.

Thank you very much. Thanks for coming to the Village Underground.

We've got a great show tonight,

and Artie Lange will be here later to headline.

You guys, are you having fun ?

Okay, good. Tonight your money is actually going to a very good cause.

I'm super excited, so let's have a great show !

- There he is. - Hey.

- How's it going ? How're you feeling ? - I'm feeling really good.

- I went down there, it's sold out. - I know.

- This is fantastic. Thank you. - They're very excited to see you.

- When am I going on ? - You are on fourth.

And then Artie will come up after you to close the show.

Perfect. Thank you. Clean up. Like the Babe.

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

- I'm talking about the baseball guy. - Yeah. No. I know.

- You sure ? - Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

My impression of a Beethoven concert. Here we go.

Please welcome, direct from Bon, it's Beethoven.

- Is Artie here yet ? - I haven't seen him.

... it's great to be here.

Since this is the last night of the tour I'm just gonna play the hits.

Yeah, this is Artie. Leave a message.

I start my concerts the same way.

Are you ready to classical ?

I can't hear you !

No, I can't hear you. I'm completely deaf.

It's a miracle I can play piano.

All right. That's my time. I'm gonna leave you with this one.

Fucking Artie !

Oh, my God. I am so sorry !

Sorry ! Sorry !

Sorry !

I was just with my father. It's unbelievable. I had the best time.

- Hi, sorry. I'm Pete. Hello. - Hi.

You're Jessica ? I'm looking for a comedian.

Our headliner around the corner at the Underground is running late.

I just need somebody to do like five, ten minutes if you could.

I just ordered hummus. I'm so sorry.

I don't know if it makes a difference. It's a benefit.

- Wayne Federman, do you know him ? - Yeah.

He has cancer and all the money is going to his bills.

It's a really good crowd, like, phenom...

- Okay. Okay. I'll do 10, okay. - Yeah.

So if Artie's not there, by the time you're done,

I'll just point to who's next and you can bring them up if that's okay.

So now you want me to host too ?

- No. Just like tag team. - I don't tag team.

I am legally married to another woman,

but it's fine because we're both feminine looking.

But she's really hot. You would jerk off to her. She's really hot.

I guess we look alike because we both have long, curly hair.

People ask if we're sisters.

That's a big question. "Are you guys sisters ?"

I'm like, "If sisters finger each other in Home Depot."

I remember when we were getting married,

I'm Jewish and she's not, so I'm chosen,

and my parents didn't care that I was marrying a woman.

That's the great part. They could care less.

You know what they cared about ? That she wasn't Jewish.

Isn't that amazing ?

Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd is gonna understand that.

So they started, "Can you just not serve pork at the wedding ?

Do you mind just not serving pork ?"

I'm like, "That's what you're upset I'm eating ?"

Yeah, this is Artie. Leave a message.

It's a benefit. Artie is running late. I just need somebody to do like 15.

Come on, man.

- Ready ? Come on. - Hey, I don't run to spots.

- Come on, man ! - No !

Thank you !

Jessica Kirson, everybody !

All right. We have more show. You guys feeling good ?

Artie is, uh, he's in the building, I believe he's very close,

but we have another... a pop-in.

Are you guys excited to see...

Let's start clapping right now for a friend of the show.

It's Greer Barnes, everybody ! It's Greer Barnes !

If I was a white woman, I would rob black dudes.

I'd walk up to lack dudes and be like, "Hi, my name is Sarah.

Give me your wallet."

"Sarah ? That's my grandmamma's name."

"Give me your wallet or I'm gonna scream."

"Here, Sarah."

Please, it's a benefit.

You want me to close a benefit, whch means I gotta do well,

which means I gotta try.

I just need somebody to close, please. I've been running back and forth.

- I need 20 minutes. - Yeah, I'll do it.

- Really ? - What am I, a dick ? Of course.

Oh my God. You're really helping me. Thank you.

All right. Relax. You're sweating like an informant.

- Can we go ? - Yeah, let me just finish this.

I don't have "let me just finish this" kind of time.

I got two kids, 14 and 16 years old.

We sit around after dinner sometimes and we play this game called,

let's all take a shit on Dad. Let's all talk about what a nerd Dad is.

"But Dad, you're so out of it."

"Dad, you don't get it." "Dad, you don't know how to do it."

It's like, "Hey ! You don't know me, motherfucker."

You don't know who I was. I used to be very cool.

You know when I stopped being cool ? When you two assholes were born.

Before that, very cool. Way cooler than you will ever be.

You know why you won't be as cool as I was ?

Because you're not being raised by an abusive, alcoholic parent.

And that can change.

Thank you very much, you guys have been great. Thanks a lot.

Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody ! Greg Fitzsimmons.

Wasn't that great ? And how about a round of applause ?

That was a great show ! Wasn't that a great show ?

Unfortunately, Artie did not make it, but I do think...

But you didn't know this,

your ticket actually, all of your ticket money went to a wonderful cause,

Wayne Federman, and Hodgkins... Hodgkins.

And, so your money is gonna help pay some of his medical bills.

Who cares ? We want Artie.

And we've run out of time. There's another show.

So I apologize. Artie is not here, but thank you for helping Wayne.

Fuck Wayne Federman.

Wayne Federman has Hodgkins.

Sorry. Um, sorry about this.

What the fuck ?

- Artie. - Hey, what's going on ?

What's going on ? Where were you ? You missed the show.

You know what, man ? I'm sorry. I had some stuff going on, okay ?

I had to do some things. I apologize, all right ? I'm sorry.

Some stuff, really ? Some stuff going on ? What was going on ?

You know what, I don't know. Something was going on.

You gotta stay... Get outta my ass about this, all right ?

I've been running back and forth to get people to cover for you.

Oh, I'm all broken up about that.

I'm gonna be honest about this. I guess I'm a piece of shit, all right ?

You just fucked Wayne. You just fucked me, fucked the show.

You know what, okay. I'm done with this.

I'm a piece of shit. Let's just leave it at that.

I was out scoring. I was out trying to buy drugs, okay ?

- What ? - Yeah. That's what I was doing.

What happened to turning it around ? We're turning things around ?

You are unfucking believable, man.

Are you stupid or naive or just ignorant ?

I don't know where the fuck you came from. Turning it around ?

Do you see who's talking to you, man ? I'm a heroin addict.

I bullshit people, that's what I do. I'm not gonna turn around ever.

I thought we were moving in the right direction.

- What happened to moving... - Moving in the right direction ?

Yes. I thought we were making some changes.

Were you with me the other night when I was sweating from withdrawals

and I go copping for a hit ? Were you with me that night ?

Were you moving in the right direction with me that night ?

No, you weren't. So I had to go do what I have to do.

- And you do whatever you do. - Artie, I know you're struggling.

Struggling ? Struggling ain't the word, man.

This is a physical thing. It's not just an emotional thing.

- It's physical getting off heroin. - I know.

If I could go back, honestly, I wish I could go back

when a younger Artie did heroin for the first time

in a fucking hotel room on the road, and I wish I could tackle that guy.

I literally... I wish I could tackle him and stop him from doing it,

but it's over. It's just over.

You have an opportunity, okay ? You've been handed this life.

Don't you owe it to the people that love you ?

Oh, my God.

Don't you owe it to your... mom ? Your dad ?

Honestly, I guess maybe I had it wrong. Maybe you do care a little too much.

Honestly, maybe it's kind of creepy that you care too much.

And bringing up my mother and my fucking dad.

You're bringing up dead relatives now. Honestly, that's fucked up.

Fuck you, Pete. Fuck you. I don't need this shit from you, okay ?

Honestly, just get the fuck away from me.

- Can we just... - Get the fuck away from me.

- Let's just... - Get the fuck away.

I'll fucking lay you out, okay ?

I'll fucking lay you out.

Go fucking do your fruity little comedy.

Piece of shit.

Try and hard as you can not to do that again.

Is anyone else having the time of their life ? I am.

I am a gambler. That's why I dress like this.

I'm a degenerate gambler. I've been in show business for 30 years,

and I'm wearing the same jacket that I had on at a Rush concert in 1981.

I don't know how to help this guy.

I bet on sports that I know nothing about like the NBA.

I don't think you can help him. I've been in the program a lot of years,

and I can tell you, you can't make this choice for him.

He's not ready to stop.

Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have a brother, Cooper Manning, okay ?

Cooper Manning sucks at quarterback and he sells insurance.

That's a rough Thanksgiving for Cooper. Your father gets drunk and he goes,

"Cooper, can you pass the gravy ? Can you pass anything ?"

It's a good time. This is what I do for a living.

End of episode 6