Original subtitles

Yeah.

CRASHING

Season 2, episode 4

Leif ?

Hey, come on in.

- Good morning, Pete. - Is it ok to come in ?

- Of course. Papaya ? - Oh, sure.

- Is this how you do it ? - Do what ?

Sorry to be a snoop, but...

It sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night.

You dirty dog. Listening to the sounds that love makes, huh ?

I know it's a little bit weird to say. It's not like I tried, I heard it.

You are, I mean, Herculean. I don't know how else to put it.

I'm more of a three creaks and a pass out kind of guy.

I've never had that sort of Olympic fervor.

Jess ?

Hey, Pete. How are you ?

Did you just now arrive, or...

- No. - No.

That was... that... what ?

Oh, fuck.

I really don't want to do this again right now.

And you don't have to.

I could hear... I could hear you guys. I was down there. I was...

Leif and I are friends.

Fuck friends. Sex friends. You fuck. Is that it ? Fuck buddies ?

Jess and I found a very respectful way to use eachother.

Are you serious ?

We're not even having like a real relationship. It's purely physical.

Yeah. If anything, it's way better, Peter.

We can give each other what the other needs by just asking.

She can give me her deepest and her darkest without any shame.

It's pretty wonderful, man. Total liberation.

And I'm give it to her...

Whether you want to admit it or not,

Leif is a very, very, very supportive friend.

He's been supportive of you through everything and of me.

Like, he has really been there. You know that.

He's just a safe space for me. He's just a true friend.

Sorry. Pete, we really wanted to tell you sooner.

I'm sorry that we didn't. Like... that was wrong.

But are you seriously telling me

that you haven't gotten lonely at all during all of this

or like, I don't know, dropped your good boy routine

long enough to get into something that's none of my business ?

- Maybe one or two. - Okay.

- But... - So that's a good thing.

Okay. I'll find a way.

I can find a way to put this outside my brain.

I can get my mind around this if you just give me a little patience.

I think it could be very cool if we tried to spend some time together.

I don't know.

- Yeah. I'd like that. - I'd like that too.

Great live comedy, sir ?

We've got a great live show tonight.

What's going on ?

So, you didn't hear about Porter, did you ?

No. Is everything okay ? Did something happen to him ?

- Porter got HBO. - What... what... what...

Whitney Cummings has this new TV showcase

and she pretty much plucked him to be the next generation of stand-up comics.

- What ? Are you... really ? - Yeah.

- Whitney Cummings ? - Whitney Cummings.

- Came to the Boston ? - Right there.

- And she booked Porter, our Porter ? - Yeah.

Apparently she was wearing a wool beanie.

If I had known she was here,

I would've done, you know, like a TV, like an HBO set, but...

What the fuck did Porter do ?

He goes up, he's... Was she on bath salts ?

- I don't know. - Fuck him ! Talentless piece of shit.

- They book fucking cheese. - He can't even follow me.

How's does he expect to follow Whitney Cummings.

- He's a gnome. - I'm sorry, but he's not...

Oh, Porter !

- Hey ! - How you doing, buddy ?

Well, I can't believe it, man. You got signed by 3Arts ?

- Yeah,I did. - Oh man, that's so awesome.

They rep everybody. It's crazy.

It might be tough to get them on the phone by the way.

- I'm so... that's amazing. - Yeah.

I mean, all of this. All of this. It's happening so fast.

- When did when did you find out ? - About a week ago.

Porter, you've known for a week and you didn't tell us ?

I mean, we were barking two nights ago.

I didn't think you guys would care.

- Come on, we... - Of course we care.

Of course we... I feel like I got it

the way that I feel how good it is that you got it.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Congrats man. You deserve it.

- Thank you. I think you mean it. - I do.

It's just so weird, man.

Is it ? It's not that weird. It's definitely not.

I mean, it's kind of what we're here to do. It's what we're doing.

Did you tell your parents ? I mean, that's a happy call to make, right ?

Yeah actually, my dad said

'I'm gonna come back from wherever I've been for the last ten years,

and we'll start fishing every Friday.'

Classic Porter. You sure 're ready ?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm sure I'm ready.

I mean, Whitney wouldn't have booked me if I wasn't ready.

All right. Cool. I'm, you know, that...

I'm just saying, I mean, you don't want to jump in this too soon.

I see what's fucking happening here.

- You're jealous. - No. No.

- You're jealous of me. - I'm not jealous.

I knew this shit was gonna happen,

but I didn't know it was gonna happen this fast.

Look at this. You can't even pretend to be happy for me for a second.

- We can pretend. - No, no, no !

I can't take this negativity. None of you are coming to the taping !

- None of you ! Except for Pete. - Wait, what ?

Because Pete is a good guy, and I trust him,

and I know that he is actually truly happy for me.

- He is ? - Are you ?

You know, I would be honored to come. That sounds exciting.

- Is it good ? - Yeah.

Which is good because if you get food from a food truck that isn't good,

if you go up to complain, they're like three blocks away.

You're jokes are funnier now that they're not my problem.

That's good. That's funny.

I gotta say, this is a little surprising for me, you know.

The last time I saw you, you were in a baptismal.

Yeah. That didn't really go how I thought it would,

but I've started seeing a therapist.

That's great.

In fact, you know, that's normal. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know that.

I didn't mean that like...

I never figured out a healthy way to express my anger.

I feel like you never did either.

People always think just because I'm like a cheery person

like I'm hiding something.

Maybe I'm just happy, like I'm like a light person.

- Really ? - Yes. Like a John Denver.

My therapist thinks it's a good idea to scream at the subway as it goes by.

You can't yell at the train, that's crazy.

I've been been doing it.

You ? You go onto the subway platform and scream at...

- Yeah. - At strangers ? Really ?

They don't care. There's so much insane stuff happening down there,

it doesn't matter.

So what, did Leif just call you one day ?

- I mean, how does that happen ? - I called him actually.

It's not like I have a million friends I can talk to.

- What about the Kellys ? - They're never around.

- The Doughertys ? - Everybody stopped calling me.

- The Kalitasis ? - I lost them all in the divorce, Pete.

I lost them in the divorce. I assumed they were hanging out with you.

They're not hanging out with either of us ?

No.

I assumed you were hanging out with Michelle.

No ! I don't hang out with Michelle.

- Oh, my God ! - What is that ?

- Get out, Pete ! - Oh my god !

Holy shit !

Come on in here ! Get in here !

- Oh, my God. We just got so wet. - That came out of nowhere.

- Is that warm ? - Yeah.

Oh, I feel like a sewer rat.

- That's crazy. - That was crazy.

- I'm glad we did this though. - Yeah, me too.

Although I'd rather be warm at home watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

- That sounds amazing. - Yeah ?

- Can we ? - Yeah, if you want to.

Well, well, well... I hope you bitches are ready.

Oh shit.

Oh my god, I'm obsessed with Bianca Del Rio.

She's a bit... but that's what we like.

- Thin Mint ? - Ooh, frozen ?

- Yeah, frozen. - Hey !

Straight from the freeze, Mageeze.

- Nice. - So good.

What ?

- Shit. - What ?

The power went out. I can't even open the door.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Carlsbad Caverns.

- Aren't you glad I didn't sell this ? - I'm thrilled.

This isn't so bad. It's like olden times.

We should talk about which townsboy our 12-year-old daughter shall marry.

The price of butter.

It's so quiet.

You can just like hear all the sounds of the city.

- Yeah. - That's crazy.

Look at us. I'm proud. I'm proud of us.

- Yeah. - Right ?

No, it's good.

Pete ! Pete ! What are you doing ?

- What do you mean ? - I don't want that with you.

What do you mean ? I thought we were having fun.

- I thought maybe... - No. I thought we're just hanging out.

I don't... I think you'd like me now.

Pete, I'm like the last person you should be with emotionally.

- I don't think you're seeing me. - I am.

I don't think... like, no.

You're seeing who you were married to, but that guy's gone.

I've learned things. I've done things.

I'm a man now. I can be your sex Sherpa.

I can lead you up the mountain of ecstasy

and swirl our souls into some sort of divine union.

Pete, you're trying to use me.

- I... yes. Yes. - Okay, no.

- Let's... use each other. - No.

You said, you and Leif use each other. I want to use you. I want you to use me.

- Just trust me. - No, Pete. This is not...

Just give me a kiss. Just one kiss. That's all I want.

No.

... to save yourself from elimination.

The time has come to lip sync

for your life.

And don't fuck it up.

Hello.I'm Pete Holmes. I'm here to see Porter Harris.

All right. You've gotta wear this. Down the hall to your left.

I'm a comedian.

Shit.

- Hey, there he is. - Oh, hey. Hey, man.

What's going on ?

This is Emma and this is Mo. This is my friend Pete.

- What's up, Pete ? - Hey, what's up, man ?

Is this your buddy from out of town ?

Yeah. How do you guys know each other ? Did you grow up together ?

We... I'm Pete Holmes. I'm a comedian.

I'm actually... I'm shocked. I could've sworn you're his manager.

There's no reps in the greenroom.

I'm not a representative. No.

Yeah. He's a representative of being my friend.

Oh, we're friends.

We're friends, so he represents me in that way.

- I got you. - I take ten percent of the fun.

I'm... I'm excited for my friend. I'm excited for guys.

But first time on TV. I mean, that's... that's huge.

All right. We're about five minutes out. Mo, you're up first.

- Emma, you're next, and then Porter. - Okay.

All right, Mo. You ready to do this ?

You know this. Wu Tang, you know I'm ready.

Porter, I'm gonna need to get you mic'd.

That's exciting, man. You're gonna close. That's huge.

You're the headliner of the show.

You wanna come with me over to sound ?

Yeah. Of course.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

What is up, New York City ?

I have an amazing lineup for you guys tonight

of all my favorite up-and-coming comedians.

All right. I'm just gonna drop it down.

Do you remember that there was like a rumor going around for awhile

that men like strong women ?

No, they don't.

Okay ? I've seen porn.

In porn there's literally a menu on the side. It's like...

It's like girl on girl, college girls.

There's no, like, CEO,

bitch who pays her taxes on time.

This is your dream, man. This is... it's incredible.

- All right. How's that feel ? - It's great. It's great.

It's no different than anything the government does to me every day.

Okay. Well, you're set.

This next comedian is one of my favorite people.

Why am I wearing a jacket ? Why am I wearing a jacket like this ?

I look like... I look like a guy dressed as the penguin at the mall.

Porter, you look great.

Is there... is there something weird with my beard ?

- What ? - Does my beard look weird ?

- Weird beard ? No. You're good. - All right. I look good. I'm good.

- It's just a lot, I understand. - Yeah.

It's stressful, but it's not the beard. The beard's been with you...

- The beard is not weird. - Yeah.

I mean, you could... It's a little scraggly.

- Should I trim it ? - It couldn't hurt.

I'm gonna trim it. There's gotta be someone around here

that can help me trim this, right ?

Yeah.

I really don't understand what all the hate's about

because Mohammad is the most popular name in the world.

You know what's frustrating about that fact ?

I can't find one keychain with my name on it anywhere.

And not one person has shared a Coca-Cola with me in America.

I don't like to mess with beards. I feel like beards are very personal.

Let me do it. I just don't want to look like the Wolf Man on camera.

Ah, shit.

I'm just trying to like even it out now.

Oh, my God. Oh, what did I do ?

- No, that's okay. That's a good start. - I took a tablespoon out of it.

That's fine. Let's just do it on the other side.

- I can even it out, yeah. - Can you even this out ?

- I can even it out. - Okay. Even it out, yeah.

Don't hide behind your beard, you know ?

Oh, man. I didn't even know how popular it was

until I watched the Egyptian soccer team.

Yeah. They were showing a play-by-play and the commentator comes on,

and he's like, "Mohammad has the ball.

Mohammad pass the ball to Mohammad.

Mohammad to Achmed. Achmed to Hamed.

Hamed to Mohammad. Mohammad to Mohammad.

Mohammad to Mohammad. Mohammad to Mohammad.

Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad."

- I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty. - No.

- That's kinda cool. - No, it's not. They're famously racist.

I can shave it a little more

if you wanted to just go a little more on the other side.

Oh, fuck.

Whitney Cummings.

Oh, this looks great. This is how everyone is wearing their beards now.

Idiots do this. An idiot would choose this.

Okay. Look, hey, she's trying.

Who would go into a fucking barbershop

and say, hey, I wanna look all fucked up ?

- Why don't we do a goatee then ? - You should just... yeah.

I always used to go back and forth

with when I would say I was gay on stage,

because I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable,

but I make a point to always do it

because don't want any of you guys sitting and wondering

if I'm an awkward-looking straight girl. You know what I mean ?

Think how weird it would get in here

if I was like, guys, I'm having problems with men.

You'd be like, yeah, I fucking hope so. What the hell ?

I didn't even have a fucking chance to get my career started.

You look like you sell vinyl. It's a hot look.

I look like I watch porn on laserdisc.

I look like I watch porn after I'm done cumming.

- Mustache ? - Do it.

The first time I was ever with someone

that wanted me to hit them in the face sexually,

I called my mom. I left the situation, I called my mom.

I said, "She wants me to hit her in the face !"

And my mom goes, "Oh, on a Tuesday ?

If that's what she wants on a Tuesday, what'll happen on Friday ?

You get out there !"

- I'm fucking freaking out here. - I like it.

I look like I have to announce who I am to the neighborhood.

Porter Harris to the stage, please. You're on in five.

I think you... I think you should take it off.

- You wanna take it off ? - Yeah. Take it off.

Get it off me ! Get it off me !

- This is your fault ! - What are you talking about ?

Scraggly. You said my beard is scraggly. People like scraggly.

It's not supposed to be about the beard.

It's supposed to be about the material, not your facial hair.

Oh, okay. Oh, so you're shitting on my material now

before I go on national television.

- Are you fucking kidding me ? - It's just not for me.

Well, maybe that's why I'm here and you're not here,

because you don't have that edge, all right ? Because you don't want it.

It's not edge. I've never seen you do a joke the same way twice.

- Have you ever written anything down ? - It's called being free.

- That's not being free. - I'm riffing.

This is supposed to be a reward for hard work.

You're just fucking getting drunk and sliding your way through.

Are you fucking kidding me ? You're doing this to me right now ?

A couple beard jokes aren't gonna make or break what you do out there.

You're a chump. I shaved off my opener. Fuck !

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Porter !

... he just shined like a diamond in the rough.

Kind of more like a diamond covered in red pubes. You'll see.

Please welcome Porter Harris !

Hey...

Hey, New York City !

Yeah.

Uh, oh, man. I...

I just feel... I'm so uncomfortable.

I had a beard like 30 minutes ago.

And then my friend, a piece of shit,

convinced me that I should shave it, and I did.

I shaved off my beard before walking on stage just now.

Uh, and I have two to four minutes of beard material

that is now useless.

So, should I still do it ? Should I do my beard jokes ?

Can you just imagine it ?

It's not hard. There's so many of me now.

I mean, I sort of looked like a pedophile

who makes locally sourced artisanal candy.

Now, I still kinda look like one, but imagine if I had a beard,

because then you're just like, I can't see all of his lips.

What do they do ? They lick children.

And I'll tell you something else.

There were a lot of people that were upset

about that live action "Beauty and the Beast" movie,

and not just because it sucked,

but because it had a gay couple in it, which I think is like weird

because the movie is about an anemic British girl

just getting gaped by a were-pit.

Like it's literally just argh.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Argh.

He's got one of those like bear penises with the guard hairs on it, just argh.

The clock's just watching, his little minute hand sticking out.

Little pervert clock. All they do is watch.

Shit, that's funny.

Thank you, guys. That's my time.

Honestly, thank you so much. Thank you. This is crazy.

How great is Porter Harris ?

That's a crazy feeling. I feel like I'm on coke.

Can you feel it ? That was incredible. You did great.

Yeah. And I got you to thank for his, man.

See, I told you. You're not funny because of your beard, you know ?

No. You said that I wasn't funny period.

So I just went out there and I I had to prove that you are an asshole,

and I did. You're an asshole.

That was so good ! That was so, so, so good !

- What did I tell you ? - I know. I know.

- It was so good. - What did you tell him ?

- I'm his friend Pete. - Hi.

- I'm a comedian. - Okay.

Hey, Porter, we gotta de-wire you.

Hey, thank you again. I could skip.

Oh, my God. He did so good. I knew it. I knew it.

- So, so, so, so, so good. - Oh, my God, so good.

So good. Yeah. I actually work at the Boston where you saw him.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah. It's kinda my home club.

Did you see me perform or just...

I'm sorry to bug you, it's just, I'd love some feedback.

No. I don't think I saw you. I was in and out and I just phone and...

- Oh, you got up during the show ? - Yeah.

I was like going back and you know how it is...

Did I go, "Madam, the bathroom is that way." Did I do that ?

You know, I have to go. Um, just for the picture things, so...

While I have you, while I have you, sorry.

Can you just... what was it about him ? What made him stand out ?

You know, he's just got this thing. It's so cliche to say,

but he's got this like star quality. Some people are just born with it.

Or maybe they get it later. I don't know.

I don't think so. I don't think that's a thing.

I think it's just an inherent thing. One time my manager told me

that stars are people that everyone wants to be friends with.

Does that make sense ? You just want to be around them.

So, anyway, I'm gonna...

It was so nice to meet you. I'll see you around.

Hey, everybody ! All right.

End of episode 4