Original subtitles

Hello.

The toilet, it was running all night,

you might want to call a plumber.

CRASHING

Series II, episode 3

That jerk-off Ramirez still doing mug shots ?

It was a lady, like "Raising Arizona." She hadn't seen it.

- There's a surprise. - It was classic.

My God, man, look at you.

You're eating like Elvis with the lights off. Calm down.

You know, they don't really feed you in the can.

- The can ? - You know.

Yeah, I know. You weren't in the can, Pete.

You weren't exactly at Rikers Islands.

You were in a holding cell in a police station.

That's like a Radisson with cleaner sheets.

There were not sheets, Artie. It's rough in the joint.

Listen. I appreciate you meeting me, I really could use a place to, you know.

- What ? - I could use the couch.

Artie, it's just a couple days, just to settle myself.

- It's what this whole thing was about. - I knew it. I knew it.

You see I'm right about everything. I told you this.

I told you the couch is a one-time sort of thing, all right ?

I know. But I spent the night in jail.

I slept on a bench. It was like "Shawshank."

Honestly, you know what ? Do this.

I got a show tonight at The New School. It's a thing I gotta do.

Just come by, and I'll sort you out, all right ?

You'll enjoy it, actually. This is something up your alley.

- Thank you, Artie. - All right. So let's just...

Hey, sweetie. Check, right ?

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you, dollface.

- Doll face ? - Yeah, they love that.

- What, are you a Dick Tracy villain ? - No, they secretly love that.

- They don't love that. - Yes, they do.

Fuck this place.

Hello. I think I'm on the guest list. Holmes, like Sherlock... Pete.

All I could think is I just want to grab this guy by his tie over the counter

and just keep repeatedly slamming his head down on the counter.

But you can't do that because you'll go to jail, but I thought it.

So what you do, is you take that to the stage.

And all you're doing is talking about it,

but the point is, is that everybody has fucked up thoughts, all right ?

I don't care who you are. You just have fucked up thoughts.

And all these people who try and like police comedy are acting

like they don't also have these thoughts.

And the reality is, if you really pay attention

to what you think on a moment to moment basis,

like if all your thoughts, every thought that you had just this morning

was broadcast on the Internet, would any of you have a job on Monday ?

Probably not. But that's an interesting thought

because I work on daytime TV now.

Everything I say, I have to censor what comes out of my fucking mouth.

There you go. Let it out, Joy, let it out.

But I'm gonna be honest with you. Sometimes I do worry though,

like, what the crowds are gonna be like in ten years

that we're gonna be performing to, fight ?

Well, at least that I'm gonna be performing to. Sorry, Artie.

See, that's what I'm talking about right there.

- Obviously I'm just breaking his balls. - Well...

You can't hear the love underneath it ? You know I fucking love you.

I don't want you to die. Jesus Christ. And if you do, please get cremated,

because I don't want to carry that fucking coffin.

Artie, weigh in on this. Come on.

I don't know. People are way too uptight now.

That happens a lot on the road. Then you get the moan.

I don't mind when a girl does it. When a guy does it,

I'm like, turn up the lights,

I gotta see what guy just got offended by something...

A 25-year-old guy got offended by something I said

to the point where he goes...

- What was it ? - Well, no matter what it is.

Like, I mean, when I was 25, a comedian could not offend me.

They'd have to be beating my mother with a salami on stage.

You guys, listen, where's the line ?

I don't think there is a line. I mean it's an art form.

I would just... there you go, one person agreed.

Pharmaceutical companies can hand out fucking opiates to everybody

like they're handing out flyers to some shitty jam band

and get everybody hooked on heroin and nobody has a problem with it.

But you tell a Caitlyn Jenner joke in a fucking strip mall

and all of a sudden people get offended.

It's a good point. He makes a good point, right ?

This is really fun.

This is actually the first, like, sit down meal like this

that I've had since I moved to New York, so thank you.

Moved ? Moved is a strong word.

Shouldn't you move into place before you use the word "move ?"

So let me get this straight.

Your wife fucks another guy, and then throws you out of the house,

and you're still in contact with that guy ?

- Well, I... - That's pretty accurate.

- I know. It's a little weird, but... - A little ?

He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.

And plus, you know, I'm not living with him anymore.

- Dude, you lived with the guy ? - Well, yeah.

You should've beat the fucking shit out of him.

Thank you. Finally somebody understands what I'm talking about.

He's making sense. You should've beat the shit out...

Somewhere there should be a bloody poncho in a porn shop right now.

I'm eating a very nice steak. Do we have to ruin it

by talkin about the guy that I just spent the night in jail because of ?

I mean, think about the situation. You're living with him.

First you share a bed, then you share the same woman.

Now you're gonna share what, some soap and a chore wheel ?

I gotta smoke.

I don't mean to be crabby, it's just, you know,

it's not my favorite thing to talk about. You can understand.

I'm not trying to like pry or anything,

but how did you end up living with your arch nemesis ?

- I don't know anybody. My wife was... - Please tell me this is like a scam.

Dude, I would be shitting in that guy's bed every fucking night.

How his toothbrush hasn't been up your ass is a mystery.

- Please tell me you did that. - No.

- It'd be good for you. - I'm not a revenge person.

I'm a forgive person. I'm trying to forgive.

It's not easy, but, you know, with time...

- Oh, my God. - Forgive and be forgiven.

-Oh, my God, of course. - What ?

You're a Jesus freak. You are, look at your hair.

Your hair wants to introduce me to your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Your fucking part wants to pray for me.

- Can it ? - Fuck no.

I don't like that Artie's smoking in the middle of the meal now.

That's a bad sign that you have to go out for a smoke while you're eating.

- Oh, yeah, he's gone. - What do you mean ?

Artie'slike one of those old country songs.

Dude goes out for a pack of cigarettes and doesn't come back.

- That's Artie. - He's coming back.

He's just smoking. He said he's smoking.

I'm telling you right now, he's halfway to Atlantic City. He's not coming back.

I know what you're saying, but he's doing better.

I've been hanging out with him, he's doing better and he's sober.

- He's a sober person. - What am I thinking ? Silly me, right ?

- No, no. He'll be back. - Okay.

Shit. Shit.

Come on.

Fuck !

- He left. - Told you.

It's 10:30, man. It's 10:30 at night. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Fuck you, man. Come on. - Really ? You don't mind ?

Of course I fucking mind. What am I gonna do ?

You look like you'd get stabbed in a Pizza Hut.

Just try not fall down a manhole, you fucking bumpkin.

Oh, hey ! Look who's still up. You guys partying ?

Yeah. Just a couple party girls.

- Look who's home. - Oh, my little precious.

Hey, this is Pete. Yeah, he's gonna be staying with us tonight.

- It's an honor to meet you, Mrs. Burr. - Thank you.

So this is what you're doing now, huh ? Bringing your drinking buddies home ?

Yeah. No, he's a good guy. He works clean.

I'm not a heavy drinker.

- I'm a nice person. - Right.

- Hey, you run hot or cold ? - I run cold.

Alright. Cold it is.

- She's so precious. Oh, my God. - Thank you.

I don't want to... I know you're trying to get her to sleep,

but do you mind if I say hello ?

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

- Just a little visit ? - No, of course.

- Hi. Hi. - Can you say hi ?

It's like life itself.

Don't... don't sniff my baby.

- Bill, he's sniffing the baby. - Pete, don't be a fucking weirdo.

- Whoa, this is me ? - This is you.

- Wow, thank you. - Don't worry about it.

I've been sleeping in a garage. This is incredible.

Well, you're gonna love this. This is a top of the line pull-out couch here.

No bar in the middle. You're gonna sleep like a baby.

Are you sure Nia's okay with me staying here ?

Dude, that's irrelevant.

She fucking loves pillows, man, can't even sit down.

You know, I used to be married. I didn't understand them,

but then when I lived with a woman,

they really can provide what's known as a splash of color.

You know, there's so much stuff that you say

that I don't even know how to respond to it.

Because for some fucked-up reason

on the way up here, I was actually starting to think,

like, you know, it's probably a good thing that you're coming up here.

- I have no guy time. - You wanna do guy stuff with me ?

Yeah. Watch a game or something, have a couple of pops.

I'm not really a manly guy.

My favorite part of the Super Bowl is the fun dips.

You don't understand. You can't do this to me.

Can you not be Pete for just a couple of days ?

Just pretend. Just treat it like an acting exercise.

Can you just fucking try to guy up ? Just do something for me.

- Sure. - Can you do that for me ?

- Yeah. I'd love to try that. - Okay, cool. All right.

I love the Boston Red Sox,

They don't have a good starting lineup this year, but I...

- There you go. - Oh, Jordon, best of all time.

Babe Ruth, but black and lean and jumpy.

- Why do you always do that ? - Am I ruining it ? Yeah.

It was ruined. I'm just trying to make it...

I'm sorry.

- You ever play before ? - No. I played mini golf a little bit.

- There you go. That's all you need. - Right ?

Yeah. This isn't really a sport. It's just a game.

What are you talking about ? It's like in the Olympics and stuff.

Dude, feel how comfortable these clothes are. Look at this.

You're not supposed to be able to do this with pants on.

Like these pants are so comfortable,

I keep having to look down to make sure my dick isn't up.

It doesn't even feel like I'm wearing clothes right now.

You know why ? It's because so many unathletic fat fucks play this game.

Dude, the fact that everybody has to shut up when you hit the ball ?

There's nobody guarding you, and everybody, oh, simmer down.

Simmer down, everybody, he's gonna hit the ball.

You ever watch somebody take a free throw in basketball ?

There's like 5,000 people going "Fuck you ! Fuck your mother !"

And this thing here, it's not even moving.

Dude, they've changed the clubs. These used to made out of wood.

It was too heavy for them. Too heavy for these cheating banker cunts right ?

There we go. So all you do is you just... You don't look there.

You just go like this, and you go like that.

Look at that. Jesus Christ.

That's how you play golf. It's 'cause you were talking.

Sorry. All right.

Now, just relax. Just relax. This doesn't matter.

That's all right ! Come on, roll, roll, roll, roll !

- All right ! You take it to fucking... - I hit it again there ?

- That's great. You take the wedge out. - All right. Do we get in the cart ?

Well, you probably want to hit that thing before we get out of here,

but I'll drive you up to it. I'll drive you up to it.

What was your family like ?

Well, you know, always awkward when there was a friend over.

Your parents don't know you have a friend over

and they start yelling, and you're like...

Oh, that was the worst ! And you gotta like make up an excuse.

You get those few friends that have watched your parents fight

and you're like, oh well, we're gold now.

- You know I'm from Boston ? - Yeah.

I know that blows my mind 'cause I don't hear the accent at all.

What's your favorite Boston word ? Mine's "baked stuffed lobster."

Dude, every year for my birthday we go to the last fucking Ground Round.

The fucking pee is still on the floor.

My aunt always get fucking shattered and starts arguing with my mother.

- We're being fucking pricks right now. - We're cutting through, cocksuckers !

Hey, so how you enjoying the single life ? It must be great.

Uh, you know, it's different. I'm...

- Yeah. You taggin' anybody out there ? - You know, I've dipped my beak.

Well, just please tell me you're wearing a condom, man.

Yes. I'm terrified of STDs.

You don't want to knock anybody up either, you know what I mean ?

Pregnancy, yeah. I don't wanna...

Because then you gotta deal with the death of that shit, right ?

Not that I'm against abortion or anything, but like...

Well, it's a complicated issue.

It really isn't. You're aborting a life. I'm not a fucking right-to-lifer,

but like for those people who fucking, you have an abortion

and just sit there and say they didn't kill somebody is bullshit.

Because it's like, if you didn't do what the fuck you did,

there would be a kid.

Just two white men on a golf course discussing reproductive rights.

No. Just own up to it.

They're just saying because it doesn't look a baby yet, it's not a baby.

It's like, well, let him finish.

It's like cake batter. It's like it's a tray of cake batter.

Perfect. Exactly.

Yeah ! And then they look at the batter and go, well, that's not a cake.

This didn't ruin your birthday. It's like, well, it was gonna be a cake.

- If you left it in the oven... - Exactly.

- Hey, can I use that ? - Yeah, of course.

That's cool ? You all right with that ? I don't want to be weird.

- Please, I'd be honored. Yeah. - All right, cool.

Where's your ball ?

I didn't get it anywhere near the hole,

which is why I shouldn't worry about getting anyone pregnant.

Like I was in the airport the other day, right ?

I'm sitting there waiting for my flight to take my life,

and watching this... watching this lady.

She's eating Egg McMuffins, like, plural.

It just like, three of them, right down her throat like a pelican.

Like right down her gullet,

and when she was done, she wiped her face with the bag.

Yeah ! With the bag !

One chocolate devotion. Sounds like a Boyz II Men song.

Enjoy.

- Hey ! What's up, man ? - Hey.

This is a little weird. I've never seen you outside of the Grisly Pear.

I've never seen you in the daylight. Can I get you something ?

I can hook you up.

No. Actually, I came here to talk to you.

But also, yeah. Let me get a cookies and cream and, uh, skittles.

Fruity creamy guy, huh ?

Boom.

So, uh, what's up ? What's going on ?

I want to talk to you about representation.

What do you mean ? You're a manager ?

- Yeah. I represent comics. - You think I'm funny ?

I think you will be. I notice things are starting to happen,

and I just want you to know, as your manager,

I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward.

I'd love a manager. I could use some help, obviously.

I work in an ice cpeam shop. I just actually heard

some of the guys were talking about Colbert is looking for Writers.

If we could submit, I'd love to submit a submission.

- Yeah, we could submit. - You know those guys ?

No, but I I'm good at guessing emails, you know ?

You just kind of watch the credits, take a crack at it.

StephenColbert@Colbert.com.

You know, whoever the producer is @Colbert.com.

You try the Gmails, try the Yahoos.

You go back to Hotmail sometimes if you need to.

Sometimes they just have a .me. There's all sorts of websites out there.

But could do that. I really need somebody with connections

that can kind of plug me in, you know ?

Yeah. But aren't you... Somebody told me you're opening

for Nikki Glaser this summer, 22 cities ?

- That's not me. - That's not you ?

No. But, I mean, I'd love to do something like that.

If you could get me out there opening for someone or MC work, club work.

So you didn't already book that ?

No. They must have me confused with somebody else.

Do you still want to my manager ?

Mm, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it.

- That's great. That's great. - Yeah.

Hey, uh, that's on me. You can have that.

I know. This is your first check. Later.

That's my manager. Show biz.

So I was working out in the Midwest recently, you know,

all the Jesus Freaks, all the Trump supporters out there, you know ?

Because he's gonna make it great again, right ?

He's gonna dig up the Native Americans and kill them all over again.

Make sure my friend Cletus gets that casino this time around.

- He's really going for it, huh ? - I'd say I think so.

He's blowing off a lot of steam, I think.

He's got a kid , he's got a baby, you know, family life. He's hilarious.

- Who are you ? - I'm Pete.

Boy, the pro-choice people annoy me more than pro-life.

I like pro-life people because I know where I stand with them, right ?

They're into Jesus. They quote scripture.

They have a strict white's only dating policy, right ?

Pro-choice, you know what annoys me.

If they would just admit that they're killing a baby,

I could get on board, because I'm big on like, thinning out the heard.

But that whole thing going, "Oh, it's not a baby."

It's like, "Well, it would've been if you didn't fucking do that."

That's like you're making a cake and there's a big bowl of batter

and somebody just grabs it and throws it in the trash.

You're like "Dude, you ruined by birthday cake."

They're like, "Well, that wasn't a birthday cake."

It's like, 'Well, it would've been if you fucking didn't throw it out."

A cake's life was ended and somebody's birthday got ruined.

That's another fucked up thing too is women get to decide too, right,

who's gonna have the birthday, who isn't, right ?

"Oh, it's in my body." So what ? I put the frosting on it, you know ?

It's true. It's fucking true.

You're gonna make the decision that I gotta walk around with that death ?

It's un-fucking real.

Then if you decide to keep it, I also have to pay for it.

They get it coming and going.

I don't what fucking women are bitching about

because you get you get to decide if babies live or die.

Isn't that enough for you ?

I'm just doing this for the reaction. You guys are too, oh my God !

Bill Barr Rails Against Women's Right to Choose in Offensive Rant

Pro-choice people annoy me more than pro-life with that whole thing going,

"Oh, it's not a baby." It's like...

What ?

Oh, my God. Shit !

You know, you don't have to print plane tickets anymore.

You can do it at the airport, can put it on your phone.

- A bunch of different shit. - Porter.

What are you doing ?

Why are you here ? Don't come here. I don't like mixing my worlds.

I'm sorry. You emailed me.

- What ? - The thing.

Okay. So what, so you responded to an email with a pop-in ?

- What the fuck is wrong with you ? - It was me.

- What do you mean ? - It was me.

I shot the video at The Cellar. I taped it. I put it on my Instagram.

They got it from my account.

Dude ! What are you fucking talking about ?

I know ! I need to scrub it. You seem like you know stuff.

- Do you know how to scrub something? - Scrub it ?

I can't have him know it was me.

I don't know anonymous. All right ? Nobody knows anonymous.

I can't scrub it from the Internet.

Everything on the Internet is permanent. It's digital herpes.

You are fucked. It's a career ender.

- For me ? - Maybe. For him, definitely.

- You think so ? - Yeah.

Women... that video upset women.

Do you have any idea how many women there are that buy tickets ?

Millions, all right ?

What even made you think of putting that up ?

He's been letting me stay with him...

- You've been staying with Bill Burr ? - Yeah. I know.

You've been at his house ?

Uh... and he did a joke, and I kind of riffed with him

and then I wanted to film it 'cause I was proud that I helped !

Of all the people in the world that you could've pissed off,

Bill Burr is the worst. He's out there... he's MMA.

He's involved with the MMA community.

He's friends with Joe Rogan. He'll like Krav Maga you.

He's gonna like punch you in the kidney and you'll die a week later.

This isn't helping me.

Okay. Well, you need to take some heat off of this.

Honestly, the last thing that you want is for the last thing that you see

just to be like an orange beard and an ice pick,

and him just going, "Dah-dah-dah-dahhh !"

You're fucked.

- Hey, Pete ! - Oh, geez.

Where do you think you're going ?

I... you know, I, um, I , uh...

Come here. There's something I want to do with you.

- Is something wrong or... - No.

Why ? Does something look like it's wrong ?

- I honestly can't tell. - Just come. Come on.

Okay.

I fucking love these things, you know ? It's the best.

You know, everybody... You gotta have your escape.

Yeah. That was awesome.

You know, I never have anybody down here.

Yeah, I was really looking forward to this.

- It's nice. - Yeah, a little hang time.

- Savoring the moment. - Yeah.

I thought maybe you were, I thought maybe you were mad,

in a bad mood maybe.

Why ?

I just thought maybe you saw the article.

- What, this shit on the Internet ? - Yeah.

You know what pissed me off ? Is that somebody filmed my set.

What kind of person does that ? I was doing a new bit,

and they only showed the first half before I got to the point.

Bill...

I would love to meet the asshole, you know waht I mean ?

Listens to deejay music, lives at home with his mother.

I'm sorry.

Always doing the peace sign with his stupid..

You know, I filmed your set.

- What the fuck are you talking about ? - Bill, I didn't put it on Jezebel...

What do you mean ? Wait, wait, you filmed it ?

I was there. I just put it on my Instagram. I have like 23 followers.

- Pete, what the fuck, dude ? - I was proud that...

Dude, you filmed me and you're just telling me that new, you asshole ?

I deleted the post. It was too late.

Somebody share it and they found it and they put it...

Pete, you put it on the fucking Internet. Jesus Christ.

- What'd you think was gonna happen ? - I don't have a lot of followers.

I'm sorry. I was bragging.

I was proud that I had helped you with a joke. That was a big deal to me.

Jesus Christ. This is like getting mad at a fucking paperboy.

- I'm sorry, - All right. All right. Relax.

- I thought with your money... - Pete, it's not that big a deal

- Whatever I can do to make it right. - It's not that big a deal.

... to make it right, I'll do it, okay ? I'm sorry.

Pete, it's not that big a deal, okay ? I don't give a shit

- You don't care ? - No, I don't give a shit.

Dude, it's all gonna blow over in three days.

You know the Kardashians will do something.

Rihanna will start fucking and blowing some guy in Formula 1.

- Something will happen, right ? - I thought you were mad at me.

Oh, no. Believe me. If I was mad at you, you'd know, okay ?

I don't hold shit in the way you do. You keep it bottled up, man.

I packed up my stuff. I was ready to go.

Good ! Get the fuck outta here. You gotta go back to your life.

You're a perfectly good white guy.

But you... I can't go back to Artie. I can't go back to my roommate.

- You know what you need to do ? - What ?

You need to go down there and you need

to tell that fucking cheating hippie piece of shit what the fuck he is.

You pull him down a flight of stairs by his fucking ponytail

and you need to beat the shit out of him.

- Why ? What does it accomplish ? - Because it would make you feel better.

It's literally... it's hurting you. I can see it.

- I could. - You should.

- I could, you know. - Beat his fucking ass.

- Yeah, I could beat his ass. - He fucked your wife.

He... he fucked my wife.

I'll go in there, knock on the door and fucking punch him in the face.

That's right. Do you know how good you'd feel ?

- I feel good just thinking about it. - Good. What are you thinking about ?

You fucking Rusted Root cover band hippie dipshit. Fuck you !

- There you go ! Let it out ! - Fuck you !

- Louder. - Fuck you !

- Louder. - Fuck that guy !

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you're not mad at me.

I'm not. But seriously, dude, you gotta get out of here. It's time.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

End of episode 3