Original subtitles

God.

- Oh God. What time is it ? - Oh, it's pretty early.

- Good morning. - Hi.

Sorry. I'm not a big morning kisser.

- I get it. - Yeah.

I am not fresh.

So do you, have somewhere to be today, or...

Uh, no. No.

I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday

at the... at Coldstone Creamery.

- You heard of it ? - Yeah.

You should come by.

I'll happily mix anything in you want, any contraband.

I can give you my employee discount.

Oh, that's nice. I'm lactose intolerant though, so...

Hey, last night was really special.

Yeah, it was.

Um, sorry. I have to get to work.

I still have this this temp job doing some data entry during the day.

Yeah. Making the cash. Making that sweet cheddar.

Okay. So, yeah. I mean, definitely, you know,

take a minute or two to get your stuff together.

Oh, my God. That is a lifesaver.

If I could just have a few more hours of sleep,

I think it would make a big difference.

Sure, yeah. Fine. Um, the door locks behind you.

Okay. I mean, can I use your bathroom ?

Sure.

- Can you... okay. - Light gone wrong.

That's my light. It's right there.

What are you doing ?

No, no. This is just a sit pee. I... the room's kinda spinning.

I don't think I should be standing and aiming right now.

Just close the door. That's usually what people do when they' sit peeing.

I was mostly done.

All right. I gotta go, but have a great day.

Okay.

Don't stay too long.

Are any of these toothbrushes, guest toothbrushes ?

Ali ?

CRASHING

Series II, episode 2

The floors are awesome !

- Oh my gosh ! - That's so cool.

Hey.

I'm, uh, I'm Pete. Ali said it was okay if I wanted to cool out a little bit.

Are you Ali's boyfriend ?

I mean, it's funny you should ask

because that's kind of what I've been mulling over.

On one hand, we had a really amazing time last night,

and on the other, she could not have gotten out of here faster.

So who's to say ? I mean, there was kind of a thing this morning.

- I was a little bit overly familiar. - I just...

Shit shit shit shit !

Shit !

- Oh really ? Oh that's... - Ali !

- Hey ! - Oh my God !

I'm sorry, I just...

What are you still doing here ? I don't understand...

- Who's this ? - I'm Steve.

- We work together. We have... - Shut the fuck up, Steve. It's fine.

Pete, do you understand how creepy it is that you're still in my space ?

Yes. I'm sorry. I just didn't wanna leave...

- I'm sorry. I cracked your glass table. - What ?

I made a tray. I'm so sorry. Of pasta,

and I put the hot tray on the glass...

I didn't know heat broke glass. The tray is glass...

Come on, man. That's untempered glass.

You put anything above 300 degrees on it, it's gonna crack for sure.

There's special oven glass and there's table glass ?

Obviously you couldn't put your glass table in the oven, it'd shatter.

There's all different kinds of glass, you know.

But the tray is glass.

So what you woke up and then you went in the kitchen

and made yourself a breakfast lasagna ?

I'm hungover. You don't have a lot of food.

Should we talk about this ?

Steve, can you just give us a second, please ?

Okay...

I'm sorry. You look really nice. I like the...

Okay. You said it. I think maybe you're getting the wrong idea here.

Like last night was really fun, absolutely.

It was fun, yes. Um, but I told you that I don't date comics.

Right. While we were having drinks and then one thing led to another.

And then we had sex.

Right. So...

You... no. I know sex is a casual thing to some people,

but that you're the second person in my entire life I've made love to.

- Oh, my God. - I mean, it meant something to me.

It wasn't just some casual, secular sort of hookup.

Okay, Pete... It was hookup though. It was a hookup.

I just... I mean, that... It meant something to me,

and I think it ant something to you.

- What ? - I liked being with you.

I liked waking up here. I liked...

Great, but like that's where we end it, you know ?

That was a big deal. I gave myself to you. I...

- Okay. You gotta go. You gotta go. - I'm really sorry.

- It's time. - I can buy you a new table.

No, it's fine. Seriously, it's fine.

- Okay. I'm so sorry, again. - Yeah, okay.

I guess... I love you.

- Sorry. That was reflexive. - Okay.

Do you feel that in there ?

Uh, yeah. That's... that's pretty intense.

- Hey. - Peter !

- I'm sorry. - Hey, man...

I'm really sorry man. I got here as fast as I could.

- You smell like rum, brother. - I'm very hungover.

I'd offer you some hot cider,

but the pressure cooker busted right in the middle of that rush

cause I tried to make soap in it, which I shouldn't have done.

I'm really sorry, man. I fucked up.

Hey, it's all right. Look at you, what is this ?

You don't have to... that's okay. Let's put these...

- Have a seat. Sit down... - I don't need a massage.

I need Advil and a diet Coke. Let's just...

No worries. Just have a seat.

- Here. - Wait. Come on, man.

Yeah.

I've just run into a little bit of blockage, man.

Oh my God. Please don't stop.

I'm not stopping. I'm just oiling up, Peter.

God.

There's a whole new Peter I'm uncovering.

- Is this what you did to my wife ? - In a way.

There you are, Peter.

Let's go get you some fries.

Thank you.

Something's different about you, Peter. Your vibrations are very different.

- What's up ? - I don't know.

I did kinda get into it last night. I'm a little hungover.

I actually had sex last night.

Peter, mazel tov !

That's outstanding. Making love is making love.

There's more of it now for us today to share...

Yeah. I kinda thought maybe it was one thing,

and it was just a casual... It was just casual.

She made that abundantly clear.

Hey, man, to hell with the labels. There was a transference of energy.

Your horn blew and it was heard, my friend. How was it ?

It was my first time using a condom. It was a little weird...

Sure. Yeah. Au natural is preferred, but...

She had them right there in a basket, like for fruit or keys,

just dozens of free condoms, like a clinic.

I feel like the condom isn't the issue.

There's something else. What's up, man ?

I just can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong.

Like I'm getting away with something. Like I robbed a bank.

I feel like I sinned,

which is weird 'cause I don't even know if I believe in that.

Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.

I had a conversation, I had too many drinks,

I did something I never thought I'd do, and now I feel like a different person.

- Oh, good. - No ! That's not good.

What part of that is good ?

I liked who I was. I want to be that guy.

You need to lose yourself to find out who you are. It's exciting.

It's not exciting to be floating on a blue marble

in an infinitely expanding universe.

Where's it going ? What's on the other side of the expanding ?

An infinite universe !

- Fuck ! - I know !

- No ! - Yes.

Peter, I went to a party when I was in college.

- You went to college ? - Tons of 'em, man.

All I knew about it was that it was on Sycamore Street

at a house with a red door.

So I got Sycamore street, find a house, it's got a red door.

I walk inside. There's a party, and I don't know a single soul in it.

It was the wrong party, and the wrong house.

So just as I'm about to bug out, the host finds me and calms me down.

He says, "You're not in the wrong house. You're in the right house.

And then he introduced me to everybody.

He gives me pizza. I meet his dad.

What's your point ?

Pete, you feel like you went into the wrong red door, but you didn't.

You went into the perfect door, brother. There's no reason to be scared.

You just have to relax and acclimate.

This is a party, man. Life is a party.

There's pizza, and some guy's dad that still texts you on your birthday.

You're not alone, Peter. You're never alone, man.

Come on.

Where ? Where are you taking me ?

Peter, just be with me today. Okay ?

The goal is no goal. It's not about getting on the Johnny Carson show.

That's just...

Hey, hey, why do I feel high ?

Did that you put on me, did that have weed in it ?

Yeah, of course it did. Otherwise it wouldn't be healing weed oil.

- You got me high. - You got you high.

You let me rub it on you, man, but it's okay.

It's just topical. It's not supposed to soak into your bloodstream,

I don't think, through your forehead. That's possible...

- Is that possible ? - I don't know, actually.

I've never used it without already being high.

- This way. - Where you going ?

I don't know. We're following the lights, brother.

When we get a Don't Walk, we turn.

We're flowing down the river of the city brother. Listen to its feedback.

That's not feedback, it's on a timer.

All right, Peter. Which way, brother ?

Right ? He's feeling right.

Yo, George Clooney...

One time.

Hey, y'all like hip hop ?

Yeah ! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like hip hop.

- Check this shit out. - Kendrick Lamar ?

Man, fuck that, nigga, he already rich.

This is that new underground shit, that good.

It's loud.

It's good. This is good.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, man. That's cool.

Thank you. Thanks for letting me listen.

- No, that's you, boy. That's $10. - No, I...

No, man. Help me out. Man, I've been on the corner all day, all night.

It's smoky as shit out here. Ain't no bitches out here.

The police harassing a nigga, all that shit, man.

I'm sorry about all that, but I don't want...

Okay. All right. Okay. I see what this is.

Another white man taking advantage of another brother, huh ?

I... no. It's not a racial thing. I'm just...

Oh, it's always a racial thing in America,

and your white guilt is showing all over the place.

I don't have white... I have the right level of white guilt but I'm not like...

Are you... I'm sorry, I feel like you're trying to scare me.

- Now the scared card comes in, right ? - This is just getting a little scary.

- Oh, scary 'cause I'm black ? - No...

- Does it look like I got a gun on me ? - No.

Okay, cool. All right. I'm here now and my name is Leif.

Very nice to meet you. I'm so happy.

You're the artist. You're an artist and this is your album ?

Yeah, man, and it's $10.

It's beautiful, man. This is your heart and soul on this record right here.

This is your art...

Here's the thing. It's really my man Sherman's, but I'm on the last song,

and in the background doing the ad lid like the... whoop whoop...

Ah, okay. That sounds like fun, but why aren't you doing that on your own ?

To be honest, I've been hustling for Sherman so long,

I ain't hafd time to do my own thing.

Well, it sounds like you're the one being hustled then, right ?

Right ! Right ! That's what I be trying to say, man.

It's like I got this gift, right,

and it's like I talk to God through music

and like the sounds of nature flow through my body,

and I can record a dove or a pigeon with auto tune,

or just the right amount of reverb.

I got my own sound, like, you know, fuck,

with the Jamaican shit and the heartbeats.

That's what I do, you see what I'm saying ?

Have you shared any of this with Sherman ?

Not really, no.

This is just my opinion.

I feel like you don't need to waste your time talking to two dopes like us.

You should talk to Sherman, man, and you should tell Sherman

how you feel and what you want to make,

and you follow your art all the way through.

We will buy that album.

Thank you.

Hey, Sherman !

That was amazing. I'm not good with conflict.

This is what it is, brother. This world craves harmony,

and that's what we're here to do, restore that balance every single day.

When I was a kid, if I asked my mom for a hotdog,

she'd make me four.

That was a serving when I was child.

I'd say, Mom, I want hotdogs, she'd make half the pack.

Did you have a brother that ate the other four ?

I think my brother was... he had two.

It was like, Pete wants hotdogs ? Double that.

- She loved you. - Yeah.

So this is it ? This is what you do ? This is your day ?

What is time anyway ? Is it just the rate

at which one rock hurls itself around another rock in space ?

And if so, why do people call me late for a rock race ?

- Sorry ! - Sorry, it's mine.

- Hey, that's allright. - Sorry for that.

- Mind if I... ? - Sure !

Nice throw. If you want to play, you're more than welcome.

Okay, thanks. We will.

How cool is that ? Let's go. These girls seems nice.

Let's play Frisbee. I haven't played since college.

Yeah.

- Why don't you leave the ring here ? - What ?

The wedding ring. It's liturgical, man. It's a weird symbol.

Yeah. It's just a ring. Let's just...

It's too heavy. It's an anchor. Peter, let it go. Get past it.

Let's set sail. Don't dock the ship too early.

Come on.

- Look who's here ? - I gotcha.

- Nice. Do you play ? - Yeah, man. I play a little bit.

- Yeah ! - Yes !

I like reading books about movies

after I've seen the movie because then it's all cast.

You know exactly what they look like.

Yeah.

Don't answer that, man.

I don't get a lot of calls.

Hello ?

Yeah.

Yes ! Yes ! I'm close. I'm 20 minutes...

I will be there. Thank you so much ! Yes, thank you.

Who was that ?

That was Dr. Oz. That was the show... "Dr. Oz."

They need a warm up. Their warm-up guy is sick.

- Peter, that's amazing. - They called me !

- Whoa ! Where is it ? - Long Island City.

I mean, think about it the journey brought us here,

and you are close enough to be able to make that in 20 minutes.

- Think about that. - No, I know.

- See ? - No, I get it.

I'm gonna go warm up Dr. Oz ! Let's go. Come on.

- It was very nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you too.

Thank you for the cheese. I appreciate it.

Leif ! Come on !

I wish I could stay, but I'm kind of like his Sherpa. Have fun.

Thanks so much for having me.

Thanks 'fiof getting here so quickly We got your name from Rachel Ray.

You're sort of famous for telling her mom to suck a dick.

That's not what I said.

You were like our fourth call, but were in a bit of a pinch.

Yeah, but that's not what I said. It was just...

- So it's about 10,12 minutes, okay ? - Okay. Do I hand out candy or... ?

We don't give out candy here. This is a health show.

- Here's some coupons for SoulCycle. - Okay.

- I hate to ask, but... - The pay is 200 bucks.

Rachel Ray was 400.

Wow, sweet gig.

Sounds like you shouldn't have told her mom to slob your knob.

I didn't tell Rachel Ray's mom to slob my knob.

I heard you did.

Okay. I'm the person the story's about,

so I can tell you with authority that I didn't tell her...

I was told that you said that Rachel Ray's mom should nibble your nuts.

That sounds like something a child would say. I didn't say that.

I heard you said that you wanted her mom to gargle your gonads.

Okay. So are some of those written down ?

Someone handed me some notes.

I just want to be clear. There was a misunderstanding.

- I did a little crowd work... - Go for JJ.

- Are you guys excited ? - Yeah !

- Say yeah ! - Yeah !

- That's good ! You're like, heck yeah ! - Heck yeah !

It's a family show, keep it happy. Heck yeah !

Heck yeah !

Dr. Oz is gonna tell us what's healthy.

I saw an energy drink that was bragging

that it was 2.5 times stronger than Red Bull.

Yeah, who is that for ?

Who is drinking Red Bull, like, yeah, it's pretty strong,

but they could kick this up two and a half more times,

'cause I don't have paranoia and diarrhea immediately.

I can't be waiting for that. I want first sip, soil myself,

think my neighbor is a sniper.

Uh, we're gonna bring out Dr. Oz, and this is gonna be fun.

- Are you guys excited ? - Yeah !

Show me again ! Go yeah !

So let's... Dr. Oz, everybody !

- Dr. Oz ! There he is ! - Thank you for being here.

- Okay, that's it. - That's it ? I don't go back out ?

One and done. Can I get the coupons ?

Oh, yeah. I'm not trying to steal those.

If I want something that's spinning in circles and going nowhere,

I have my life...

You can leave the shirt with Karen in wardrobe.

Hey ! Oh, wow, thank you.

Uh, that was so great. Thanks for having me.

Yeah. You did a nice job. They seemed fired up.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Are you high ? - No, no... No.

Look in my eyes, please.

- I'm not high. - I know you're high. I'm Dr. Oz.

Hey, can I ask you a question ? I've had a confusing couple days,

and I was just wondering if you believe in God.

Yeah, sure.

Really ? I thought maybe a man of science,

you just thought it was a fairy tale.

I don't see science and faith as opposing forces at all.

See, for me, it's all about vocabulary.

Think about that little speck of mass that erupted into the big bang.

Do you call it the singularity or do you call it God ?

You know, I don't see much of a difference.

I bet you are freaking out right now because you are so high.

It's a bit much.

Welcome to the show everybody.

So what's going on inside the human body ?

Leif !

Hey, Peter ! Did you get all these cool gifts ?

No. Listen, uh, where's your bag, the bag, our bag ?

Oh, God. Oh, I think I forgot it. We forgot it...

- I put my ring in your bag ! - That's okay. Well, calm down.

The bag deserves to be found, and we shall find it.

So, we're gonna go.

Is this part of the plan, get high and leave our shit ?

Leave that bag there !

Shit.

- What's going on ? - I don't know. Bomb scare.

Peter, my pressure cooker, man !

Are you fucking... you're kidding me ?

- No. They think it's a fucking bomb. - Yeah.

You can't leave a pressure cooker in a duffle bag

and and leave it in the park.

- I didn't mean to. - You didn't do anything wrong.

I'll just grab a cop, I'll explain what happened,

I'll get my ring. I gotta get my ring...

No, no, no. Leave the ring.

Don't worry about the ring, man. It's in the past.

I'll just explain... You didn't do anything.

Yeah, I did do something. I have LSD in that bag, Peter.

I have some LSD in that bag.

It carries like a mandatory minimum of five years.

It's Reagan, man. It's not me.

- Are you fucking kidding me ? - No, I'm not.

This whole magical journey, you had fucking narcotics on you ?

The Frisbee girls gave it me because they're Canadian

and they were leaving town and they... it was a gift.

- I don't know. - Fuck you.

- Peter ! - Get the fuck off !

Get the fuck off, man !

Sorry, Pete...

Peter, that rock...

Hold it !

Fire in the hole !

Hey, man. You know what you're learning, Peter ?

Strength. Tons of it.

You did a great job today, man,

negotiating what's right versus what's wrong.

I'm really proud of you.

Karmically it might not work out in this lifetime, but who knows ?

In a hundred years, in a hundred lifetimes

you could be dog and someone gives you a bone.

Can we go, please.

You're finally learning to surf.

No, I'm not. You forced me to surf, and I didn't want to do any of this.

How... why is it that when bad things happen to me,

it's all part of some magical plan that only you understand ?

What about when shit happens to you ?

I'll meditate on that for us both.

Can you roll up the window ?

End of episode 2