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Peter ! You have risen !

God, man, this is my area. You just opened a wall of my bedroom.

Even when you're wearing pants I can see you dick.

What do you want ?

It's not about what I want, it's about what I need,

which is a conversation with you, man.

What is the point of us having this communal existence

if I have no one to commune with ?

Pete, where are you all the time ?

You're working or something, out all night.

You're sleeping or resting or something all day.

I'm sorry, I work, yes, at night. And then I'm out late.

It's not like I'm partying. I'm doing... I'm following my dream.

And then I don't have time to come home and also be your best friend.

We can't have an old couples' argument, man.

You have to pull your weight.

You fucked my wife.

Yes. I fucked your wife, but that doesn't help pay the bills.

Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work.

Uh, what do you want to mix in ?

Oh, uh, let's uh, let's put some gummy bears in there.

Chocolate and gummy bears, ok.

You're... you're good at this.

- Thanks. - There you go.

Oh, please, no thank you.

If you tip, it's a whole thing. We have to do like a song.

Well, I'll leave it there.

Oh, guys, we got a tip ! Come on.

First we peel bananas, peel, peel bananas.

Then we slice bananas, slice, slice bananas.

Then we go bananas, go, go bananas.

Two for one with a flyer, great live comedy.

Great live comedy tonight, two for one with a flyer.

We've got a great live comedy show.

Hey. Uh, hi. Are you the manager here ?

No. Hi, great live comedy. We've got a great...

You're looking for Jason. He won't be here for a little bit.

Oh, okay. Um...

Great live comedy. Do you have a complaint or something ?

No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian,

and I was just gonna see if there's a chance I could do a short set.

I'm trying to make this tape.

Oh, my name is Pete. I'm actually a comedian.

- Oh, cool. - I'm on the show too.

I mean not that you're on the show. You want to be on the show.

I would love to. That would be amazing.

I just work the door when Jason's running late.

I don't really run the club. I just do it for stage time.

Cool. And you don't have to like bark on a corner and...

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is... - Home base.

Great live comedy, guys. Great live comedy.

Uh, well, you know, it's kinda slow, but I...

Yeah. That's why... if it's slow and you could just squeeze me in,

that would be so awesome. So...

- Let's see. I'll see what I can do. - Okay.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Bringing up the next comic for you guys.

A very funny lady, I hope you guys enjoy her.

Guys, put your hands together for Ali Riesen. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

I have some really exciting news.

My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.

We broke up. Yeah.

- Hey, what are you doing ? - She's making a tape for TV, I think.

Man, we bark for five hours, and you just throw her on stage ?

She's not even past here.

This guy, he worked out so much, and he bulked up so much

to the point where he just like lost his neck,

and he like grunted to communicate with me.

He'd just be like, uh,

and I had to deal with him like I was dealing with Lassie.

I'd be like, "What is it, boy," you know, and he'd be like...

I'm like, "Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym ?"

I was actually writing a very similar joke to that.

"Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well ?"

- Hey. - Hey.

That was great. Did you get your tape ?

Oh, uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place. Sorry.

- It's like a haunted ski lodge. - Yeah, there's a vibe.

I feel like in that room

it's like you're doing comedy for the people you're making fun of.

- Yes. - Yeah.

You're up there and like, I'm talking about you.

- Yeah, exactly. - My examples are you.

Are you. Yes. You don't see the irony on me performing for you.

- That makes me feel a lot less alone. - Yes.

You should come back.

Any time youlike. I'm here every night of the week.

You ever see me out front, we can throw you up.

I think they'd be lucky to have you.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Petey, how did we look, Pete ?

Oh, what's up, man ? This is, uh, Ali. Ali just went up. She's...

- Hi, Ali. Pete, how did we look ? - You know, it's like about half maybe.

What did we talk about earlier ?

Well, you said I could work the door until you got there, so.

- Until I got here. - Yeah. 'Till...

What, am I a fucking apparition ?

Flyers, hand, corner. McDougal Street, West 3rd.

- Come on, sweet cheeks. - Okay. All right. Nice meeting you !

- Hey. - So nice to meet you.

- Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey. - Yeah.

Where, you know, I mean, I think women are funny.

Okay. Uh, cool. Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word.

Fucking... I... I... What am I doing wrong ?

People make fun of me because I'm gullible.

Anybody here gullible ? Not a trap. Not a trap.

Yeah. Yeah. Good people. Honest people.

I don't understand why we're the butt of the joke, gullible people.

People tease me, "You're so gullible." "Pete's gullible."

Doesn't that just mean I'm an open-hearted, kind person ?

You lie to me, I believe you, I'm the asshole ?

Thanks, guys. Thanks very much. Have a good night. I'm Pete Holmes.

I saw of group of cops on horses. How fucking ridiculous.

Why do they have jobs ?

Do they do the real cop stuff ?

Because every time I see them, they're like...

Sure, I'll take a picture.

...times.

Look, if I stole your wallet and then ran would they be like, hyah !

Jumping over stuff.

And they can't arrest you because there's no room.

Yeah. They're not gonna be like, "You're under arrest. Get on."

Hey, man. You can't stand here.

I'm... I'm Pete. I'm a comedian.

- Wait, you're Pete Holmes ? - Yeah.

- I've seen you before, man. - Really ?

You did that set about your wife fucking another guy, right ?

- Yeah. Yeah, that was me. - I would keep that shit to myself, man.

Yeah. I know now, and I'm not proud of that set either. I regret it.

Sorry, man. We all have our problems. I can't make my wife have an orgasm.

- I hope you figure that out. - Thank you. Appreciate that.

- You still can't stand here. - Okay.

And were at the Friars, and Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there,

and I go to his manager

and I take out my phone, and I say, "Would he mind ?"

And he goes, "Jerry hates those. He hates... don't try to do it."

And so I say hello to Lewis, and I say,

"I guess you wouldn't like me to take a picture of you with..."

and he goes, "I will punch you in your fucking face."

He thought, uh, you were talking about a hand job ?

I hate to say it, but I've heard the same story,

but it was Sheri Lewis.

It wasn't at that Friar's Club, it was at a bus station coming to Cleveland.

- It was Daniel Day Lewis. - Oh, well, there you go.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Lewis and Clark, I like a...

Uh, oh, excuse me. I think they introduced me.

- Lewis Carroll. - All right, see you, man.

Gilbert Godfried. Is he going up ?

Why don't you tell him your favourite movie is "Problem child" ?

- People say I look like John Ritter. - Yeah, if he had a daughter.

I guess.

Hey, are we going to The Hole for your birthday, or what, Dan ?

- Yeah, that's the plan. - Yeah, it's Dan special day.

He woke up in a trunk covered with stickers from different cities.

Are you trying to say I look like a ventriloquist dummy ?

Yes, I am.

Well, keep with the insults and I'll never bang.

- What's The Hole ? - Burlesque joint.

It's guys on stage. One little guy with big, big one.

A giant guy with a really small Tic-Tac dick.

All you gotta bring is an umbrella and a towel, and you're good.

What do you mean bring an umbrella... He ain't going ?

- What ? - Well, it's my birthday, my rules.

I got nothing against him, but I don't know the guy.

I want to be surrounded by people I like and Dave.

Come on, man. Let him go and stop your yakking.

- I'm allowed to pick. - You know what ? You're not coming.

It's settled. You're a man of God, you cannot come to this.

I mean, first of all, I couldn't get an erection next to this guy,

it'd be too weird.

See ? Me and Artie are on the same page.

Hey, guys, somebody's got to put their foot down.

I'll stay here and pray for you.

Okay, to the Hole.

Sorry.

- Is this empty ? - Yeah, no... Please.

- Those people are done with these. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless you want some whiskey.

- Oh, no. I don't drink. Never have. - I'm not.

- You don't drink ? - No, not really.

Are you a totaler or you just don't drink often ?

I was raised not to really partake too much.

- Me too. - Really ?

- My parents never did. - Protestant ?

- Yeah. I mean, when I was a child, yes. - Well...

- My name is Penn. Penn Jillette. - I know. You're a wonderful magician.

- Well, thank you. - I love magic. I really do.

Well, and I was hoping you'd say your name.

- Sorry. It's Pete. - Pete. Hello, Pete.

Peter. But you're a, you're a big atheist now, right ? I mean...

Yeah. I have been for a long time. I guess my whole adult life.

- I stuck with it I guess. - Oh, did you ?

Jesus is still my copilot. He's great. He doesn't drink either.

- Oh, really ? - Very smooth flight.

- I thought there was the wine thing, - Ah, you know, it was one miracle.

The rest of the time he was pretty dry.

- You really do believe ? - Yeah.

- In Christian God ? - Yeah, all three.

Now, I don't want to be dismissive, but you actually believe

that there's a being that cares about, forgive me, but your masturbation ?

- Cares about everything you do ? - Yeah. You know...

And you don't have any gnawing doubts about that ?

You don't think that maybe

you're letting things slide by you that could be more beautiful ?

- Like what ? - Like life.

So you don't believe in something watching us,

something keeping all of this going ?

I'm not sure there's no God, but I don't know.

The most important revolution in human history,

more important than agriculture, more important than writing,

is the scientific revolution came down to three words, I don't know.

And no institution, no church, no king, no power structure

had ever said in history I don't know.

- I just... what if you're wrong ? - What if you're wrong ?

What if I'm wrong ? I mean, either way, I'm good. You're right.

No, no, that's not true.

I mean that's the problem with Pascal's Wager is there's more than one choice.

You could spend your whole life praying your ass off to Jesus

and then find out that it's actually Zeus

and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus.

Well, I'm enjoying the certainty I get from...

- You don't have certainty. - I do.

- No, you don't. - I do.

You can't get certainty just by willpower.

You can't force yourself to believe things

that you don't have evidence for.

You just can't do it. You can't force certainty.

Yeah. But this is all I have. I mean, I can't, this is how I was raised.

I can't just put it aside because you make some sense.

I mean, it's hard for me to admit that you're making some sense.

Yeah. I dig that. It's hard to change. It's really hard.

It's hard for someone my age to admit that the Beatles weren't that good.

- What's up, Vince ? - Hey.

- Do you know Penn Jillette ? - Yeah. He's in there, right ?

The magician ? I once saw him make a whole plate of nachos disappear.

I just thought everything was one thing,

but it turns out it might be nothing.

- Everything is nothing ? - Yeah. Everything...

That's not cool. How could everything be nothing ?

- Because we are... - It's everything.

- But do you know ? - About everything ?

What if it was Zeus ? What if it was this one and now he's mad

and now you die and chances are...

- Who's Zeus ? - That's my point. Who's God ?

- Who is God ? Do you know ? - Zeus ?

What if you've been praying to Jesus, and it was Zeus ?

Je-Zeus.

Hi. I'm here for Dan's birthday.

Uh, the comedians, a bunch of guys that don't look like they belong here.

Thanks.

Hey ! You found us, man.

This is like the second matrix. In Zion.

You should... your act, you're funnier. I ordered water.

Oh, these from a gentleman at the bar. I think he's a fan of you, guys.

Oh, really ? Pete, can you help us out ?

- Yeah. I could use a drink. - Yeah. Cheers !

Oh, dude, taht's a stripper.

- Let me in. - Oh, you're sitting down now ?

Oh, no !

- If you take every major religion... - Oh, here we go.

And you mix them together, they all say the same thing.

I'm getting lectured by...

What do you think happens when you die ? You're gonna die.

I don't know, man. I just try not to think about it.

What is everything is a better question. You know it's bigger.

Please stop with this shit. Let's just watch this woman

scratch her nose with her clit, because that wondrous.

- Are you married ? - No, no, no.

I'm clinging to the past.

You know, you're right. It's fucking weird.

- Fuck that thing. - Yeah !

This is the part of the night, you know, me and Artie...

- Yeah ! - This is where it happens.

- We start looking for chicks. - Yeah.

I have to get early tomorrow to sell umbrellas in front of Penn Station...

Actually, if you guys are free later,

I teach a 4:00 A.M. spin class at the Crunch on Lafayette.

Let's go. Give it up for my buddy Artie Lange, everybody.

Yeah. Did you have a good time ?

Artie, I know you can't stay.

You have an episode of "Storage Wars" to shoot, but I love the look though.

You look like a scalper for every band I didn't see in the '80s.

Dude, if you're not on the lineup, you can't be down here, man.

I'm not in anybody's way, I just...

Listen, I don't make the rules man, I just enforce them.

Oh, wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete ? Hey !

- Yeah, that's Pete. - There he is.

Pete, come up here, man. Come on.

- I'm sorry. - Pete Holmes, everybody.

Thanks to The Hole.

Oh, great. Nice.

- Oh, easy. - ...you're having fun.

So Pete, how's the comedy scene treating you here in New York ?

Well, you know, I handout flyers for stage time.

I don't know if you guys saw any of those out there.

That's on me. I do that.

- You're handing out flyers. - I hand out flyers.

Have you heard of the Internet ?

Are you gonna sent out a telegraph about your first hour or no ?

I like this drunk Pete. I like him.

- It's a lot... you're fun. - Yeah.

Artie, if you're not wearing your Fitbi,

how do you know if you get your step today ?

That's gonna hurt in the morning.

- How do I get my step ? - This is great.

- I don't like being mean. - No, be mean.

- That's all right. - I don't like being mean.

Be mean by any means necessary.

How did you get here ? Did you slip a 50 to the TSA ?

- Take it easy. Easy. - What ? Sorry dude.

Hold on a second, let me see your mic.

Okay, I just had to turn it to funny. Go ahead.

- That was great. - Hey, thank you.

Ali.

Door guy. Do you bark here too, or...

Uh, no. I was just on stage.

I saw you up there. I didn't get to go on

'cause you guys were dicking around for like 20 minutes. So...

- Sorry. - It's all right.

- You're really funny. - Thank you.

Really, like, I'm not just saying that. Like, when I saw your set,

I was like what happened ? What happened to you ?

It doesn't make any sense because you're really beautiful

and you're really funny,

and that doesn't... you're like not comedy hot,

you're regular, you're lady hot.

You're like Barney's department store hot.

And then you're funny. Fuck you, man. What ?

- You're so shitfaced. - A little bit.

Yeah. Completely gone.

Yeah. I think you... I think you should take me home.

What ?

I think you should take me home with you,

Why would I do that ?

Because I'm... You really want a reason ?

I mean, this is fate. I saw you and now I'm seeing you again.

I mean, what are the chances that we're all alive ?

With sunsets and babies

and there's gotta me more than just Chinese food

and Coldstone Creamery and sleeping in the garage.

You know what I'm saying ? Is there something later ?

Perhaps. Maybe not.

But there is something that we can do today.

And we can be kind, and we can be lovely,

and we can be sexual and sensual.

Sorry. Are you just doing a Russell Brand bit ?

Russell Brand has valid points.

Ok, you can buy me a drink.

I'll buy you a drink.

- Wait, wait, wait. - What ? What ?

Before the main event, I just want to make sure that you want...

You want to do this.

All signs point to yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just... I really just...

End of episode 1