Original subtitles

Come on. Artie.

Artie, I gotta...

What the fuck, man ?! What are you doin' ?

- I'm sorry. - You're a weirdo.

What the fuck are you doin' in my house ? Come on.

- I let myself in. I still have a key. - You don't just let yourself in.

This is my fuckin' house ! Are you tryin' to give me a heart attack ?

I'm sorry, man. I don't... I live here.

I don't have anywhere to go, Artie.

It was either this or the Port Authority.

But what are you doin' here ? Why are you here ?

I was fired, okay ? I was fired.

You were fired already ? That's amazing. You got an edge to ya.

Want happened ? How'd you get fired already ?

- I was doing warm-up for Rachael Ray. - Right.

- I go out. - Yeah ?

- Regular crowd. I'm cookin'... - You're cooking ?

There's an older woman, and I messed with her.

- I did some blue material. - Right.

It was Rachael Ray's mom.

You messed with Rachael Ray's mom ? That sounds hilarious.

And they yelled at me and I'm fired.

And I don't have my job anymore, and I'm back at your house.

Yeah, I got the rundown.

Maybe give a man a heads up if the mother of the star of the show

is gonna be in the audience. It's on them.

Listen, I got news for ya. I can't have this shit in my house, okay ?

- I told you that. - I'm gonna finish it.

You're not gonna finish it. I'm takin' this the fuck outa here.

Artie, you can't have this.

It's Mike's Hard Lemonade. You're an alcoholic.

Dude, I'm an alcoholic. I'm not Hannah Montana.

What the fuck ? I can handle it.

Artie, Hannah Montana would drink Mike's Hard Lemonade,

because we've let her slip into Miley Cyrus.

She used to be Hannah Montana. She used to be pure.

She used to be golden light, and now she's out there lickin' poles,

and children at the Teens Choice Awards get a look right at her vagina.

Listen. Let's get to breakfast. We gotta sober you up.

CRASHING Episode 8

I don't understand why we're eating breakfast here.

Why can't we eat breakfast in a strip club ?

That was... Oh, hi.

Hey, sweetie. How you doin' ? Good to see ya.

Wait. Where's that smile I ordered ?

There's an ass right by your head.

Yeah, that's the point. Well, look at it. Go ahead.

I don't see anything. I'm just seeing you.

That is an odd choice, man. Between me and a woman's ass ?

This isn't helping breakfast.

It's such a surprise that your wife wanted the company of somebody else.

Man, do you talk like this around her ?

- I happen to be a very sexual person. - Oh, yeah ?

I just don't flap it around like a dick in the wind.

Is that your type ? That's not your type ? What is your type ?

If I was in the privacy of my own home with this,

I would have wonderful consensual sex with this woman

if we went out twelve to fourteen times.

You can have consensual sex with any of these women,

as long as you give 'em like four hundred dollars.

What's really weird is I was supposed to be at a baptism today.

Why would you want to go to a baptism ?

My roommate from college, his wife went through the whole thing.

She's getting baptized today.

Why you still talk to your college roommate's wife ?

I don't talk to my sister anymore.

- How you doin' ? - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Come here.

My buddy here is not that experienced. Give him an education.

- Okay. - You understand ? Whatever...

- Let's just leave it alone. - Shut up. You're gonna love this.

- Fine. I'm doing this under protest. - What's to protest ?

Hi. I'm sorry, very sorry.

You're dancing with a hot chick under protest.

- I don't know what to do with you, man. - I don't know what to do.

Clearly. Don't come back until you have Hepatitis C.

- Okay. - Go get 'em, buddy.

- Sit down. - Sure. It's like Jambi's house.

Hey, sit down.

That's not as soft as I thought it would be, but... Lovely.

- Open your legs. - Okay.

Now tell me what you like.

I like... free WiFi. Matt Damon.

I love breakfast for dinner. It's great.

That's... It's a lot.

Just relax.

I didn't know there was a... This is the lap part then ?

You're a very good dancer.

- You like that ? - Yeah.

You like to dance ? Just relax, okay ? Enjoy. Yeah ?

- Okay. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's so many signs that say "No touching."

Oh, that's okay.

Your friend ordered off menu.

- What's your name ? - My name's Peter. Short for Pete.

- Pete. Give it up, Pete. - No, no, no.

- It's just I'm a ticklish boy. - It's fun. You having fun ? Yeah ?

- Pete. - Pete. I'm sorry. Sorry. Hold on.

Sorry. This is degrading.

Degrading ? Just...

- For who ? - For you.

- For me ? - You're being degraded, right ?

- Excuse me ? - You're grinding on my... for cash.

What the fuck do you do for a living ?

I'm a stand-up. I do comedy.

- Oh, shit. A fuckin' comedian ? - Yeah.

Oh, okay. So you stand up on stage at a bar

and show your comedy titties to strangers, and that's okay ?

It's my passion.

No one's a fuckin' bigger degenerate than a comic !

I used to date Jim Norton. He owes me fuckin' four thousand dollars.

He can't even afford to get his own parking spot in Manhattan.

- You got a parking spot ? - No...

I make fourteen hundred dollars a night. How much do you make ?

What are you gonna do when you're 60 ?

Tell jokes at fuckin' Yuk Yuk's in Calgary ?

You think you're funny ? You think you're funnier than Kat Williams ?

I don't do that kind of humor...

Every motherfucker and their mother has a one-hour special.

There's more demand because people have an appreciation for the art form.

It don't mean dick. Comedy died with Richard Pryor.

You know what ? I'm done talkin' to your ass.

We got three more songs, and I don't want to hear nothin' else no more.

- Okay. I'm sorry. - Three more songs.

Spank it, you Jim Gaffigan rip-off !

What ?

I'm gonna give some balls before you leave here.

Okay. That didn't feel good.

Good day.

God.

Shit.

So, where to now ?

I feel worse. You liked that ?

What are you talkin' about, "liked ?" Of course. You don't like that ?

Depressing. She yelled at me.

Where the fuck are you from ? I can't believe it.

You never knew there were legs and eggs before.

I'm a bad friend, Artie. I should be with my friend today.

- I should be at the baptism. - Fine ! I'll got the baptism with ya.

You want to go to a baptism ?

I'm a comedian. I work 45 minutes a night.

I got tons o' hours to kill during the day.

- Hey, Art. - Hey, Jimmy Norton.

- Good to see you, man. - Good to see you, buddy.

Goin' for the breakfast ?

It's the best time to come. Always come before noon.

The girls need you more than you need them.

You really fuckin' drive down prices before noon.

Good news. We're on our way to a baptism.

- Pray for me, will ya ? - Of course.

- Nice meeting you. - Nice to meet you.

Is there air conditioning under that tent ?

No, it's outside. It's like a wedding.

Pay attention. You might get somethin' out of it, you know ?

I gotta pay attention ?

I'm beginning to feel like I'm on the opposing team's court.

Thank you, Lord, for this food.

Dude, I'm freakin' out. When do they bring out the Nikes and Kool-Aid ?

After the service or before ?

These are good people. They're loving people.

They'll be very nice to you. Just try to blend in.

Pete ?

- Hey, Skowie. What's up, man ? - I'm so glad you could make it.

- Nice to see you. - You, too.

- Ellen, hi. - Hey, hi. So good to see you.

Hey, how you doin' ? Artie Lange. How you doin', alright ?

Yeah. Take care of yourself. Take care.

- "Elf" ? - It's my friend, Artie.

- He's in "Elf". We love that movie. - Yeah. It's a great film.

We rent a movie every Friday. We call it "Movie Night."

- And who's this ? - Can you say, "Hi," Penny ?

Hi. Hi, Petey. I'm Penny.

- Can I hold her ? - Yeah, of course. Watch the head.

- Oh my goodness. - I know.

It's time to be a baby, holding baby...

Just pull her dress down, Peter, in the back.

This is amazing. I'm so happy for you. Getting baptized, this is huge.

It's been an eventful year.

I just think this is a really good time to hit reset

and just rededicate myself to the Lord.

- Okay. - Alright, just...

You always want the back... The back of the head. Okay, okay.

- Alright, Peter. - Okay, look at that.

- Okay, we'll take her back. - Okay. Thanks.

- There we go. - My God.

- There he is. - Speaking of... Good to see you.

- Nice to see you. - Hi, Pastor.

- Steven, Ellen, big day today. - I'm so excited.

I hope it's not a new dress.

- Now, that is comic. - He's so funny.

- Pete, we should catch up. - I would love to. You wanna...

- Yeah, let's walk over to our office. - Yeah, sure. Great, great.

- Bye, Peter. Bye, Pastor. - Bye, Penny.

- See you. - Thanks again for coming.

- So what's up ? How are you ? - I'm fine. I'm good.

You sure ?

Yeah, I'm good. Why ?

Just, you know, you hear things.

I don't know what people have been saying, but...

That's fine. We don't have to talk about it.

I just wanted to bring you in and offer ya some support,

and I'd love to lift you up in prayer if that's okay.

Yeah, of course. That would be great.

Great. So...

Heavenly Father, we want to thank you for this glorious day

and this opportunity to sit down with our brother, Peter,

and help him through this trying and wicked, debaucherous time.

You are with us, especially when we need you the most.

Yes, Lord.

And as Pete has lowered himself to begging on the streets of Manhattan,

pleading with strangers for money, for food...

- Sorry. - Lord, we ask... Yes ?

I'm not begging on the streets. That's not...

Julie Chaney said she saw you panhandling in the West Village.

You were wearing ragged clothes... It was very sad.

No, no, I'm doing stand-up. I'm handing out fliers.

- Okay. - So I'm not...

Dear God, we ask that you forgive Peter for sins,

for laws he may have broken, especially laws involving arson.

- Also, laws that don't involve arson. - Okay, no...

I'm so sorry. Again, I haven't broken any laws.

Okay, Adam Johnson, he reads the police blotter,

and he told me that there was a fire at your house

and you fled the scene. You burnt down a garage.

I didn't... Okay, no. That's another misunderstanding.

There... I had a garage sale, Jess and I,

and there was a fire, but I didn't flee the scene.

I left with some things... and the fire was extinguished.

- Are you doing drugs ? - Am I ? No, I'm not doing drugs.

Okay, Stacey Chase said she saw you tweet about having the munchies.

Hashtag-FlamingHotCheetos.

I smoked some pot, yeah. I want to get back out, so...

- Okay, let's just finish this up then. - Yeah.

- Lord, Pete's marriage's fallen apart. - Yes, Father.

And we know it's because Jess had an affair.

I'm sorry. I thought you were gonna stop me again.

That one's correct, yes.

Lord, forgive Peter for forcing his wife into the arms of another man.

Is it true that you walked in on her with two men ?

No.

Kevin Sparks has a porn addiction that he's dealing with,

and he said he saw a video of you two on a cuckolding website.

- That wasn't us. - It wasn't you ?

Can you wrap it up ? Amen.

I have to say it. Amen. You know, Jess is here today.

- She is ? - Yeah, she's here.

- How you doin' ? - Hey.

- Have a good time ? - Yeah, how about you ?

Are you kidding ? Look at me. I'm Christian mingling.

- I'm Artie, by the way. - Stephanie, hi.

Nice to meet you.

- You with anybody or hangin' out ? - I'm just hangin' out.

Hey, how does this work ? I thought they only baptized babies.

Well, I mean, some churches do.

We prefer when people can make their own big decisions.

So we do it with adults.

Kinda like John the Baptist with Jesus.

Oh, right. Okay. Good guy, John the Baptist.

Not a lot of career options with that name... John the Baptist.

- It's like my cousin, Joe the Foot. - He's a foot ?

He got one foot.

Think I'll sit down. See ya.

So I'll see you later then for sure, right ? Alright.

This is free, I hope. Right ?

- Hey. Hi. - Oh my God, Pete.

- Sorry, I wasn't expecting to see you. - Well...

- I thought you weren't going to church. - Well, no, I'm here to suppose Ellen.

- Ellen ? - Yeah.

- I thought you hated Ellen. - I kinda do, but she invited me, so...

I'm here or Steve.

- Where's Leif ? - Oh, he's not here. He's... It's...

- What ? - It's over.

Oh my God.

Yeah. I thought it was this whole other thing,

and then he said he was leaving his wife,

but he was still with her, so...

- Are they still together ? - One assumes.

I'm so sorry.

Then she called and threatened me, so now she has my number,

which has been really fun.

I've spent a lot of the past week fantasizing about you guys breaking up,

but now I just feel terrible for you.

Yeah, it's weird. I was so worried about you this whole time,

and it seems like you're doing better than all of us.

I don't know. It's not exactly what I thought out there, you know ?

- Really ? - I don't...

Hello, everyone ! Good afternoon. Before we begin today's journey,

I want to invite all of you to a game of tag.

He still does this ?

And, no, I don't mean we're gonna run around and chase each other.

Laughs every time.

No, I mean some T-A-G. Time alone with God.

Let's take advantage of these beautiful grounds.

I want everyone to take a walk and clear your minds.

Open your hearts to what's about to happen.

So I'll see you all in a few minutes.

Please return at the sound of the triangle.

- Jess. - Pete, listen.

Could we do this whole walk in the woods thing together ?

I don't want to be alone with God, you know ?

It gets in my head, and then I go to a bad place, right ?

Hold on, Artie.

Yeah, I need to smoke. I need a smoke.

Jess. Hey.

Do you mind if I walk with ya ?

Time alone with God, right ? Feels familiar.

Yeah, I feel like a tourist. Like this used to be our life, you know.

I'm sorry, I feel like I need to do this alone.

- I'm sorry. - I just... I have a lot to think about.

Being back here and seeing all these people

just reminds me of what I used to have and what I want.

I don't know. Excuse me.

- Hey. How you doin' ? - Hey.

Hey, you mind if I bum one of those ? Yeah, thanks.

Not a big woods guy, so, thank you. These things are valuable here.

Thank you.

Oh, that feels good.

A cigarette after lunch is like one of the 40 best cigarettes of the day.

- Can I ask you somethin' ? - Sure.

Come on. Time alone with God ? Come on, come on.

- That's your question ? - I don't know.

Starin' into leaves and shit, all this spirituality, and, I mean...

You want to know how I'm buyin' into all this ?

You seem like a reasonable person. You seem rational, right ?

Yeah, I want to know if it's real or if it's bullshit,

because if it's real, I gotta talk to ya.

I don't know, I need more details. I just do.

Early in the morning,

My soul will rise to thee

Only thou art holy

Lord God almighty !

God in three persons

Blessed tree...

- Leave me alone ! - Hey !

Just get out of here ! Get away from me !

- Hey ! - Stop it. You're scaring me !

Jess !

Oh God !

What ?! Leif ! What are you doing here ?

- I can't believe you followed me here. - You're not answering my calls, Jess.

Of course I'm not answering your calls ! I don't want to talk to you.

I had to follow you to talk to you. What is he doing here ?

This is our church ! We're members ! We belong here.

Okay, fine. I understand that. Peter, Jess.

I have to say I'm so, so sorry. I made a huge mistake.

I came here to tell you that I talked to my wife.

You said it was done before.

I'm so sorry it took so long, but she is a scary human being.

She would grab me and be physical with me and toss me around,

and I had to take it.

I don't know what abuse is, but I'm pretty sure she abused me.

I met his wife. She wasn't that scary.

- You're a fucking hippie douche bag ! - What were the last seven months ?

- This started seven months ago ?! - It wasn't serious for that long.

Oh, just casual adultery ?!

You're in the program, right ?

What makes you think I'm in the program ?

Well, I'm looking at your face. You look like you snorted the Big Book.

Thank you, sweetie. I run into Don Rickles in the woods.

- Are you in a program ? - Yeah.

It's not helpin' me, obviously. And, clearly, something's helped you.

I'm looking for somethin', but I can't buy into this.

Come on. You know about the higher power.

That's the one part I could never buy into.

Why not ?

Because what is that ? So vague. Higher power ? What does that mean ?

- It's the easiest part. - So what is it ? Be specific.

It's about letting go and not holding on to something. It's just letting go.

- Letting go of what ? - I don't know. Like, look around.

Who made all this ? You think it just happened ?

That's the best argument, I guess. I don't know, but to me,

this is like we could be on the set of Jurassic Park.

- And that would be cool ? - Yeah, but it wouldn't be God.

It would be, you know, Teamsters and a couple of guys

in the Carpenters Union who Spielberg knows.

My point is there's an explanation for everything.

- This could be manmade. - It's not.

Convince me.

I need a real relationship. You're off in another planet.

Explain our love.

I was in a trance, and now I'm out of it.

We just had good sex together, and that was confusing to me,

'cause I've never had an orgasm before,

and that's what was really messing with my mind.

But it was just an orgasm.

Our eleven hour sessions are one of the deepest,

most ritualistic experiences of love I've ever had,

and I need that with you forever.

My friends think I'm like a wicked fucking idiot

who had sex with the hand turkey guy !

You're not even a real artist, okay ? I'm an idiot for fucking you !

Thank you.

That all hurts, and I thank you for having the courage to give it to me,

but whatever person you need me to become, I will become that.

I don't want you to become that. I want you to be that !

- I will be that after I become it ! - It's over, okay ?

Jess, we can't end an argument negatively.

What does she... Is she always like that ?

- What do you want me to say ? - Give me the courage.

It's like quantum physics, right ? String theory.

You ever notice how the further down you get into the sub-atomic particles,

the more mystery there is, the less we understand.

I don't get it on the most, you know, just basic and most surface of levels.

What I'm saying is that it's all the same thing.

Like science and religion and all of that, it's all the same.

It's just us trying to understand it. Science is trying to photograph it,

and people go to church to try to feel it.

Honestly, I'm trying to pretend that I understand what you're talking about,

but in- in high school, I thought the blue part of the globe was the sky.

So I'm not deep. I don't understand what the hell you're talking about.

I know that's hard to not have anything to believe in,

but it's easier to if you try.

I guess, but, look, I've done a lot of bad things.

I've probably done a lot worse than you.

Oh, come on. Now, you know, I'm callin' bullshit. What did you do ?

That's not a first-time-we-meet conversation.

Maybe it's a second-time-we-meet conversation.

- I'll try it. I'll give it a shot. - Alright.

- You believe me ? - Yeah, I believe you.

- That's where girls go wrong. - Come on.

Christ of my own heart,

Whatever befall

Still be my vision,

Oh, ruler of all...

Wasn't that lovely ?

You'll notice there are no babies being baptized today.

That's not just for water safety.

It's because we practice a believer's baptism,

and unlike, say, the Catholics, who are sprinkling babies all willy-nilly,

we have a three-week course.

So, Glen.

- You need to leave Jess alone. - Don't interfere in our destiny, Peter.

Do you pledge your life to the service and love of Christ ?

I do.

- Welcome home, brother. - Oh, yeah !

Praise Jesus !

We all need forgiveness. We all need redemption.

We all need to come home. Right ? That's what this is about.

All of us stray from the path sometimes.

Your wife tried to Shania Twain me, by the way.

- What does that mean ? - Means she tried to fuck me.

Just like the church, we represent God welcoming you home.

Sure, you've made some mistakes.

You've done some things you're not proud of.

You've made some choices that you regret.

Church is still here. God forgives you.

All you have to do is ask. Isn't that good news ?

- Ellen. - Let's do this.

- You ready to come home ? - Wait !

- Wait what ? - Jess. Jess !

- I need this. - Unacceptable. I'm next. I'm second.

- Jessica, this is not okay. - I need this, Pastor.

- Jessica, come on. - Now, please, please. Let me do this.

- Jessica, what are you doing ? - Please, let me come home. Please.

This is a ceremony. These people took a three-week course.

Monday and Tuesday ! Nine to four !

But you know I know all the basics. Just let me do it.

You've already been baptized...

I know, but I've strayed too far. I need to come home.

Okay, Jessica. I don't think

that you are in the right place for this personally.

- Get her outa there ! - Shut up, Ellen !

- You shut up ! - Just dunk me and let me be risen !

Jessica, we are all aware in this congregation

that you've been unfaithful to Pete.

You cheated on him with an art teacher.

- Jess ! - Hey, don't stand up.

Sweetheart ! That's bullshit !

Baby ! You don't need God, you just need me.

- Okay, sir. - What are you doing ?!

This is very inappropriate. You need to get out of the pool.

I can't. Sweetheart, I love you so much.

I'm so sorry, so sorry.

I get this, though. This is a cool ceremony. Congratulations.

Jess, I love you. I need you. And I want us to just go home.

That's what I want. I want to go home.

You don't need God. You're God and I'm God.

God is love, and together we make God. Let's go home and make some God.

We can do it. Ask God.

Okay, none of that is true, and most of it didn't make any sense.

- How do you know, Officer ? - Officer ? I'm a pastor.

- So am I. - Really ? Of what ?

Pastor of life.

I love you so much, Jess, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

I've known that since we met.

- I've made too many mistakes. - That's okay.

I've strayed off my path.

Jess ! No ! Wait ! Jess, hold on.

I've made mistakes, too. Hold on.

- Sorry, will you hold this, please ? - Sure.

Wait ! You don't have to do this. I forgive you.

Okay. Okay. Steps.

Jess, we both strayed from the path, but I forgive you.

Please forgive me. We need to go home.

It's not about your forgiveness. It's something I have to do for myself.

- I want to come back. - I can't go back with you.

Jess and I are together now.

What are you talking about, man ? Help me !

Help you ? I'm not gonna help you get back with my wife.

- We're a family. - I thought you were a comedian now.

I don't have to be a comedian. It's a hobby.

I can make you laugh. I could make our kids laugh.

You don't want to be with him, Jess. You weren't happy.

We can put the genie back in the bottle.

- You can't put genies back in bottles ! - Shut up !

- They're out ! - Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up !

I trust Jesus !

Hallelujah ! Oh ! She is risen !

That did not count. That did not count, everyone ! None of this counts.

Jess, you don't understand. I have nothing.

I have no job, I have no money.

I have no prospects. I have nowhere to stay.

I need to be with you.

God will provide a way, Peter. He always does.

What about Tampa, though ?!

Jess ?!

I put down a deposit !

Jess ! God.

She wasn't that great.

- See ? This is church. - Yeah. I'll tell ya, this ain't bad.

That's good stuff. Thank you, Lord.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately

on the happiest moments of my life, and I thought of a big one.

You ever make plans with someone you do not want to hang out with,

and then they cancel ?

Does wet money work, man ?

What a rip. It's not enough anyway.

I can't really help you out with the hotel,

but my brother will wire me money in the next couple days.

I just gotta give him a call. He's a Bitcoin guy.

Do you ever think about who existed in your environment

before you came upon it ?

Like, for example, we are here, but who was here before we got here ?

Who was here before this hotel was here ?

Maybe the Indians ? Maybe pioneers ?

Could be Vikings.

There were no Vikings in upstate New York.

Are you still mad ?

Don't eat French fries with your foot.

I'm really excited about our friendship, man.

We're not friends. We're broke together.

That's how it starts.

Would you be uncomfortable if I put on some adult fare ?

CRASHING

End of episode 8