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Episode 7

Hey, Schmitty. I was wondering. I feel like it's going really well.

Is there any indication on how my trial week has been ?

It's not up to me, it's up to Rachael, okay ?

Has Rachael said anything, good or bad ?

Rachael has no idea who you are, and that is good.

Schmitty. Classic.

That's a good laugh. Laugh like that.

That's amazing. Now show me a seven !

Six. Nine !

Welcome to Rachael Ray. I hope I learn how to cook something today.

- And, Joe, how old are you ? - I am thirty.

- Thirty. Is that too old, Clemmie ? - That's fine.

My dad is goin' deaf. I don't know if anybody here is hard of hearing.

It's not like serious deaf.

It's the kind of deaf you can make fun of, just like dad deaf.

But it's just stubbornness.

I told him to get a hearing aid, and he literally went,

"What could you be saying ?"

And then resumed watching Jeopardy on a hundred.

Hi, enjoy your Spoonula. You're a great crowd.

- You were hilarious. - Oh my goodness, thank you so much.

- You were our favorite part. - Oh my God, thank you.

Thanks. Wow. Bye, ladies. Thank you.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

You're early. I like that. Just setting up for you guys.

Yeah, I was actually hoping I could talk to you for a second.

Sure, what's up ?

It's actually good news. I got a job, a TV job doin' uh, warm-up.

- Really ? Daily Show ? Tonight Show ? - It's a daytime show. It's Rachael Ray.

It's a little bit like late night, but during the day, and there's cooking.

Hey, look. It's green money. Good for you.

I was really hoping maybe that would mean I don't have to, you know,

hand out fliers to get on stage anymore.

What ?

I got a TV credit. I thought maybe I could go on earlier,

while the crowd is still here.

- Yeah, yeah. Nah. - What do you mean, "Nah ?"

Pete, I'm happy you're making housewives happy

throwing out candy bars in between gazpacho recipes,

but this is stand-up.

You gotta pay your dues.

That's what I've been doing, standing out on the corner

handing out fliers for five hours just to go on at the end of the night.

What about all the other guys that go on before me that don't even have a credit.

I do two shows before this club even opens.

- So ? - I get paid.

So ? All these other guys that you're knocking

with your condescending tone, they put in ten, twelve years.

They're grinding. They put in their time, and they earn that stage.

You can't just skip to the front of line because you got lucky with a job.

Hold on. You don't understand. I kill. You should see me.

It's like regular, sober, Midwestern people.

I'm like Gaffigan and Seinfeld. I crush.

Not some CBGB line-up of five rock and roll comedians

talking about how hard it is to find the G-spot.

- I get it. So you're better than us ? - Vaginas are weird. Get over it.

This is where the real work takes place,

not in some pastel-colored studio with a lit-up applause sign.

I gave you the only teacher you need right here.

Stop acting like you did me a favor. I'm doing slave labor for you out there.

What is this, Nike ? Fuck this. I don't need this.

Not so clean anymore, Pete ? Don't tell Rachael Ray.

People come in here to do coke.

You know what they go to Rachael Ray for ?

For a Panini maker. That's why they sit through the audience.

You're opening for a fuckin' sandwich.

You know what ? I'm done barking for you.

You sandwich comic !

Some old lady on the street today told me I look like Mark Wahlberg.

Now I just need to meet a young lady who also has dementia.

Thanks, sweetie.

Pete, you're next.

Okay. Hey, would you mind, when you bring me up,

would you tell everybody that I'm the warm-up guy for Rachael Ray ?

Really ? A credit ? It's an open mic.

The audience gets a kick out of it when they know you've done something.

Okay. Credit.

So worst advice I ever took in my life was,

"Hey, man, it's probably bad coke. Just do the whole bag."

Thank you very much.

Matt Marano, everyone. Representing USA. Alright.

We're gonna keep the comedy going.

The next comedian coming to the stage wants me to let you know

that he's the warm-up comedian for the Rachael Ray Show.

Warm-up. Where comedians go to die.

Pete Holmes, everyone. Pete Holmes.

Thanks.

Forgot what I was gonna open with.

Yeah, you ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you ? That's...

You know, just kidding. I never know what to tell those guys.

Please stop. Please stop fucking singing.

- It's how I relieve stress. - It sounds unstable.

This is why you and I never got it on. Because you don't get things.

- I missed my chance. - Yeah.

- Hey, Pete ! - What's up ?

How you doin', man ? Sit down. Sit.

- I can sit with you ? - Of course.

Don't want to impose on the comedians' table.

Dude, I got the text. I got to tell you... Tell 'em.

- The gig ? Big news. Tell 'em. - What ?

It's okay. I got a little thing, but... I don't want to tell.

- A little thing ? Come on, tell 'em. - I'm having a weird night.

Just look, it's not for me to share, man, but he's gonna go through with it.

- The operation's Tuesday. - Great.

Yes, I'm getting it. I'm getting a sex change.

- Hey, Artie. Dude, you're up. Okay.

Fantastic. What'd you join, ISIS ?

You gotta love Artie, man.

He always looks like he just got divorced, but he never was married.

Kill it. I'm gonna smoke a cigarette.

- What's up, man ? I'm Pete. - Hey.

I think you're really funny, and I love your stuff.

Oh, nice. Well, hey, is this a wedding,

'cause we're really shaking a lot of hands.

I didn't know you were running for office. There's a lot of handshaking.

- Pressing the flesh. - Well, I'm gonna go smoke.

- Nice meeting you, Pete. - Yes.

- Do you want to come ? - Yeah. Let's smoke. I'd love to come.

- See you, guys. - Congrats again.

That's gross. Just something about your puppet face

and your shiny lips and your crooning. It's unsettling.

Alright ?

- Flavor country. - Good, huh ?

So I feel like I'm corrupting a minor. You're not a big smoker, huh ?

No, I smoke sometimes when I drink. Sometimes I'll bum a smoke.

And you don't really drink, huh ?

Not really. I've been meaning to drink more.

You know, you are a friend of Artie's.

How come I've never seen you go up ? Where do you work ?

Uh, the Boston is my... Was... I was goin' up at the Boston a lot...

What happened ?

Lately I've been focusing a lot on my job.

- Oh, you got a job ? - Day job.

The thing I got it's a warm-up gig.

- It's uh, Rachael Ray. - Hey, that's great.

- Really ? - Yes. That's awesome, dude.

I thought it was, but everybody's giving me a lot of grief.

You know, like it's not real comedy...

Aw, come on. Hey, listen. I hate to break it to you,

but show business doesn't get much better than that.

You're telling jokes. You're home by noon. It's a win.

- Really ? - Yeah.

Thanks, man. That means a lot.

You don't have to smoke that if you don't want to.

I didn't want to. I wanted to hang out, 'cause I respect you so much.

Thanks. If his warm-up doesn't work, you can be a professional kiss ass.

I did real time, too.

I did two months in L.A. County Jail for possession of coke.

And I'll tell how to survive in jail.

You particularly. You might want to go with this.

First day, I go out to the yard,

find the biggest, baddest motherfucker I could and I blew him.

I gave the worst blow job in the history of the blow job.

I wanted it to get around the jail that I gave a bad blow job.

If gang members are talking about your ability to give a blow job in jail,

here's how you want that conversation to go.

"Do not let that motherfucker blow you." "He sucks at it."

- Hey, good hangin', man. Yeah. - That was fun man. Thanks.

And good to see ya. You seem, not good, but now less terrible, yeah ?

Yeah, I'm... It feels pretty good, man.

Come to a taping any time.

- Seriously, when ? - Are you... I was kidding.

Unbelievable. I don't look like a guy who could use recipes ?

I love Rachael Ray. And I could support you, too.

Any time. Good night, Artie.

- Take care of yourself. - Thank you.

Hi, ladies. Thank you. Every day, Rachael Ray. Every day.

Take one day off. Enjoy your free magazine.

- Hello ? - Hi, Pete. My name is Julie Brigante.

Do we know each other or...

No. My husband works with your wife. His name is Leif.

I need to talk to you in person right away.

Sure.

- Julie ? - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi. Thanks for meeting me like this.

I couldn't talk about this over the phone.

Sure. Is... I'm at work, so I only have a minute.

Is everything okay or...

I have reason to believe my husband is sleeping with your wife.

I know. I know, I can tell you're shocked,

and I'm sorry to have to drop this news on you.

I just had to tell you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- It's what you do, Pete. - Thanks for telling me.

She called me. I've got to meet her again.

She didn't know about the whole situation.

- She thought I didn't know. - Who gives a shit who knows ?

She thought she was breaking the news to me. I had to pretend.

She made it sound like I was supposed to activate the phone tree.

Is that the protocol that I'm supposed to tell the wife ?

Of the guy that had sex with my wife ?

I would have wanted to know if I was her.

You were her. That's the point. You were her, but in a different way.

You were her, but you were watching your wife get fucked from five ft away.

You got no responsibility in this. No ! Are you kidding me ?

You got the raw end of that deal.

Thanks, man. That make sure me feel better.

Look at this, man. Can you believe this ?

How big is this ? All this for makin' sandwiches.

I wish there was money in eatin' sandwiches.

Christ. You know, it's not every day you gotta deliver news like that.

Sure, yeah.

I just had to tell ya. How you holdin' up ?

It's quite a blow you dealt me, but...

Good, but you're resilient. Yeah, you're like me.

Something bad happens, you pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps.

You just gotta man up. Am I right ? Cheers.

Bootstraps, go ahead. I have a show in a couple hours.

Don't make me drink alone.

- All one ? - Jesus.

Oh, yeah. I think we can be honest with each other, Pete.

My marriage wasn't exactly fucking perfect the last couple of years.

You guys must have been having problems, too, huh ?

- Were you... - Yeah. You could barely feel the pulse.

When we first got together,

the amount of orgasms I had, it was shattering.

That's the only way I could settle down at night.

- Some people like tea and a book. - At the end, once, twice a week.

If that. All of the sudden, my powerful personality emasculates him.

I mean, what man doesn't feel like fucking ? Am I right ?

It's crazy.

What about you guys ?

You were obviously having problems, too. Was it sexual ?

No. We had, you know, I don't think it was sex.

Uh, I thought sushi.

She always was like, "You always want to eat sushi."

She loved upstate. I'm more of a city boy.

What a fuckin' snooze. Let me tell you somethin'.

- I need your help. - What ? Okay.

New York state law is very clear that if we could prove infidelity,

they get nothing.

You want to...

I've got to prove their infidelity. I got a six million dollar fortune.

Holy shit, really ?

So I need your help, Pete. What are we gonna do ?

What do you mean ?

If you have a joint phone, you can get the phone company

to release their records to you, and then we have proof.

And then they get nothing.

- What about GPS ? - Yeah, we have a GPS in the car.

Why don't you fucking check it ? Then you can tell where she went.

Or maybe we just move on, you know ?

And what am I supposed to do ? Start over ?

What, am I gonna text strangers pictures of my clam ?

Maybe we just live well. Isn't that a good... The best revenge ?

Shouldn't we just let sleeping dogs have an affair

and go off and be together if they want to be together ?

Are you familiar with Shania Twain ?

Yeah. That Don't Impress on Me Much ?

Yeah. She got cheated on, and then you know what she did ?

What ?

She slept with the man who was married to the lady who stole her husband

and broke up her marriage.

And it wasn't just a one night stand, Pete.

They enjoyed the feeling.

- Okay. Thank you for the drink. - I don't want to be alone tonight.

- I'm gonna go. - Meet me in the bathroom.

- I'm gonna leave the door open. - No.

I'm going this way.

You know, I'm in my thirties. This is a horny time for me.

People don't tell women that in your thirties, like your sex drive,

that shit will have you lookin' at dudes with like full face tattoos.

Good set.

Thanks, man. Yeah, they were good tonight.

You're gettin' better. Glad I took a chance on you.

Thanks. Sorry.

Who's that ?

Just this woman. Wants to have sex with me.

That woman wants to fuck you ?

This is Shania Twain. This is not the woman who's sending...

Oh God. Oh my God.

- What is that ? - Oh, that's a clam.

- You gotta send a picture back. - What ?

If you get a picture of a clam,

you have to send back a picture of your man clam, or it's rude.

Look, I'm not gonna send this woman a dick pic. I barely know her.

You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics.

You just Google a picture of a dick.

Gotta make sure it looks enough like your dick,

because you don't want your dick pic to write a check

that your real dick can't cash.

I got it.

- You want to see the dick I use ? - No.

It might be able to work for both of us.

I have a Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick.

I don't want to use your dick.

She's probably sittin' at home wondering what's wrong with her clam.

- Rude. - I'm not sending a real or a fake dick.

I don't even to see this person again.

A guy like you in a shirt like that,

you shouldn't be turning down pussy, is what I'm saying.

- Hey, Pete. - Geez ! The fuck, man ?!

Hey, Pete. It's Leif, man.

- God, you scared the shit of me ! - Okay, I'm sorry.

How did you even know where I were gonna be ?

You tweeted about it like four times. How was the show ? Was it okay ?

What do you want ?

I know that Julie and you met today, and...

I know. I am not talking about that with you, okay ?

Well, look, it's just that I know she...

I know she came and got to you, and she's trying to get between us,

so she can take what's rightfully mine.

What are you talking about ? You cheated on her.

Yes. But she emotionally abandoned me first, man.

That's where the marital contract ended.

She claims that she started this really successful business all by herself,

but I was the one at home, I was the one tending to everything,

making sure things were perfect, loving her all the time.

It didn't give me any chance to go out and earn anything else.

- So you think you deserve half ? - Yes !

- Half your wife's fortune ? - Yes ! Like an NBA wife, yes.

- I don't want to be involved, okay ? - Hey, well, you are involved, Pete.

I'm thinking about the future. My future, Jess's future. We need it.

So what ? You want me to lie ? I walked in on you.

I saw you having sex with another woman ! My wife !

Maybe you didn't, maybe you did.

- What ? - Maybe you did not.

Think about it, man.

Protect the people you love. This is Jess's money, too, man.

- I don't want to... - We need it.

- Fuck off, okay ? - Okay.

I will fuck off, but you gotta listen to your heart, man.

I know it's in your body, but it's got a little mouth. Listen to it.

I know you'll do the right thing, Pete. I believe in you. I always have !

I gotta tell you, I don't even think I remember my prom,

but I do remember that I did not find a date until two days before the prom.

So I cut that kind of close.

My boyfriend at the time, well, I thought he was taking me,

and it turns out he was dating someone else.

- Yeah. - Cheating on you on prom week ?

Yeah. I ended up taking the best date possible. Myself.

Yeah !

Thank you. It was defining, because I... I was prom queen, you know ?

Yeah, yeah. Or think I was a runner-up or whatever,

but I just... I like had a blast.

I was with my friends, and I was like, "You know what ?

- I don't need a man to like have fun." - That's right.

Yeah, thank you ! Yay !

Yeah, and you know what ?

It's like you can cheat on me, but you can't cheat on this !

We'll be right back. I'll meet you in the kitchen for my Macho Gazpacho.

Thank you again, Vanessa.

Okay, there she is, everybody ! That was amazing !

We're clear, guys ! You can sit down !

- Wow, that was incredible, right ? - Yeah.

That was moving. Very inspiring.

I've never seen an audience give so much love to a guest like that.

That was incredible. Wow, what a story.

Anybody here ever been cheated on ? I know it's kinda raw, right ?

It's hard. I myself, I was actually married,

and I just walked in on my wife having an affair.

I know. That's the correct response. Good.

It was hard. It was rough. The guy's name was Leif.

Yeah, that's real. He's named after foliage.

People drive to Vermont to see him in the fall.

And I walked in on my wife being a real Leif-blower, you know...

Yeah, imagine how I felt.

It was terrible, but you know, just like Vanessa, she didn't stop me.

This is like, what, ten days later ?

It's only a little bit later, and here I am living my dream.

Show business ! Warmin' up you wonderful people on Rachael Ray !

'Cause you can cheat on me, but you can't stop this, right ?!

Right ? Yes, you're wonderful.

OK, I'm gettin' the signal that we need to go right back, so big applause !

Big hand for her ! And we'll bring her back ! Up ! Up !

Scream for the gazpacho !

Alright, guys ! Welcome back. As promised, I'm gonna show you...

What ? What are you doing here ?

You knew the entire time, but didn't say anything to me ?

- Shut up. - Oh, do you want me to be quiet ?

Yes, I'm at my job. I can't talk about this here.

Oh, you're in it for the money.

It's so obvious to me now. You're doing it for my money.

- That is not true. - Oh, it's not ?

Then why don't you want to help me ?

You're very scary. I don't think it's right to go after these people.

Let's just move on.

Your wife was cheating with my husband. You didn't say anything to me.

Shut up. Listen. I wanted to tell you. I just...

It was an awkward situation. My wife had an affair.

I don't have to call the wife of the guy she had sex with.

Well, you're a monster and you're a criminal.

I'm not. Listen, I'm sorry. We can figure this out. Please sit down.

I can't believe that I was fuck you.

So I'm gonna take a break and zhuzh this up.

We come back, I'll show you the Margarita Shrimp. Come on back.

Lot of applause ! Lot of applause ! Up ! Up ! Up ! Up !

Wasn't that great ?

Alright. We got the gazpacho.

It's ready, and then we got the enchilada recipe.

Those are both gonna be available at Rachael Ray, obviously, dot-com.

So we just have a minute here. Why don't I...

Who haven't I talked to... Sorry. Sorry. I'm trippin'.

Oh ! I'm trippin', Boo !

I'll stay down here where it's safe.

How about you, Madam ? Madam ? What's your name ?

- My name's Elsa. - Elsa. Give it up for Elsa.

- Are you married ? - We're talking a lot about marriage.

- Yes, I am. Fifty-two years. - Fifty-two big ones. Yeah ! Uh, great.

What is the secret to a happy marriage, would you say ?

Love.

That's great. Yeah, you think... We can clap for love.

This guy's not clappin'. You're not... Do you think it's love ?

Yeah. And oral.

Oral, huh ? That's not exactly a Rachael Ray Show kind of joke, but...

Look, they love it. They love it. Eh, oral.

Elsa, do you think oral is that a part of a happy marriage ?

Everybody does it. Sex ? Oral sex ?

I've done it. They've done it. You've definitely... You've done it.

But I mean, even conservatively, fifty-two years, once a month, that's...

That's way too low. At least once a week.

Once a week ? She says at least once a week,

sitting next to the happiest man in America right there.

So, okay, Elsa. Fifty-two weeks in a year, fifty-two years.

- Fifty-two time fifty-two would be... - Twenty-seven hundred.

Amazing ! So, you know, freak out, but, Elsa,

if their math checks out,

you have given at least two thousand seven hundred BJ's.

How was I supposed to know that was Rachael's mom ?

You said you were a huge fan of the show. She's on all the time.

- Well, she brought it up. - No, she did not bring up blow jobs.

- Yes, she did. - No, Pete. We have it on tape.

Well, play back the tape,

and you'll see a woman that's obsessed with oral sex.

You like comedy ?

Great live comedy, guys. Two for one.

Two for one with the flier. We got a great live...

Come on, come on, come on. Hug the gay. Jim Gaffigan, I get it.

We got a great live comedy show ! Hey ! Great live comedy show !

Check it out, check it out ! Two for one ! Boston Comedy Club.

Hey, where we goin' ?

CRASHING

End of episode 7