Original subtitles

So, thanks again, guys. This was a real life-saver.

No need to mention it, dude. Any time.

No, I would have been homeless. So you really saved me.

Dude, listen. I'm sorry, but like I'd have you stay longer,

but my cousin's comin' to town. You know how that is.

Don't mention it. Family first. I get it.

- Peace out, man. - Bye.

- Every time. - You're gonna miss that, aren't you ?

- I am. I left my key on the tub. - Thank you. See you, Pete.

- Did he buy it ? - I do not care.

That guy sucks.

CRASHING Episode 6

Hello ?

- Artie ? - Pete ?

Hey. What's up, man ?

Hey, what's goin' on with you, man ? I haven't seen you since Albany.

You were holding coke for me up there.

I'm sorry, man. That woman was gonna take you down a dark path.

I had to intercept. I thwarted you.

You thwarted me ?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought maybe you're mad.

Mad ? Are you kiddin' me ? I'm proud o' ya.

I mean, I thought you... Listen, she was alright lookin'. Did you fuck her ?

It was the craziest night of my life. I got pepper-sprayed by that woman.

Then we went back to her place,

and she gave me cocaine, and I pretended to do cocaine.

Sorry, is someone else there ?

Okay, hold on. Wait, you were pepper-sprayed,

and then like how do you pretend to do cocaine ?

You hold the cocaine up to your face, but you blow out instead of sucking in.

Sorry, who is this ?

Well, listen man, you're on my podcast, and that's Sarah Silverman.

Hi, Peaches.

Artie, you... Hi, Sarah. Big fan.

I want to hear more about this story. The is a good story.

Yeah, yeah. Get over here, man. We'll fuck around on the air.

You want me to come on your podcast with Sarah Silverman ?

Yeah, yeah. Come on down.

Sarah, if I just say that Wreck It Ralph is maybe one of my favorite movies.

Definitely one of my favorite movies of all time.

Alright, whatever. Okay, great.

Hello ?

I was already a comedian when I lost my virginity.

I was nineteen, but you know, it was...

True story. I lost my virginity to a Brazilian hooker

in the back of my father's handicapped van.

No lie. It was in the parking lot of a diner.

Sounds so right.

I miss her. I actually miss her. Pete, have you lost your virginity yet ?

- I have had sex with a woman, my wife. - Your wife.

On our wedding night. That's when I lost my virginity.

Your wedding night ? You waited.

Yeah, well, yes, it's in the Bible not to have sex before marriage.

- It is ? - So we would like dry hump and...

- Oh my God, I miss dry humping. - Me, too. I miss the third grade.

Dry humping's romantic. It's like a friction-based cum.

Well, if you love dry humping,

you'll be happy to know that it's very big

in the Christian community, well into your late twenties.

Oh my God. When I was six and seven

I was so slutty with the furniture and my mouth.

It was like I felt guilty. I thought it was like cheating

with the corner of my bed with the corner of the couch.

I'm just saying, we were very wait-'til-marriage people, and so...

But that's just a loophole. You're not supposed to have sex,

and then you're just like grinding and creaming your jeans.

- Really, yeah. - You think you're tricking God ?

You better be cumming in your pants. and not having sex.

- That is how absurd it is. - That's important to me.

Think about it.

Sex is a special thing when you wait

and you've only done it with that person.

You didn't have oral sex before marriage ?

Well, one time. But that's when I knew we were gonna get married.

- She gave me a blow job. - Great.

And instead of enjoying it, I swear I was like, "Maybe August."

- Maybe August for what ? - That's so romantic.

To get married. Because...

You were thinking about centerpieces while you were gettin' a blow job ?

Yes ! It was like an engagement blow job.

You know what's a great blow job ? A divorce blow job.

- Really ? - 'Cause it's not from your wife.

Well...

Great live comedy tonight, guys. We've got a great live comedy show.

Great live comedy. Great live comedy.

Great live comedy tonight. Eight thirty.

Great live comedy. Hey, oh.

- Hey, I know this guy. - Sorry. I didn't...

- Obviously, I didn't recognize you. - My friend, Pete.

- Yeah. Podcast Pete. - From just hours ago.

- I'm honored. Nice to see you. - What are you doin' ?

I didn't recognize you. I'm handing out fliers for the Boston. I'm barking.

You're barking 'cause... You got a job barkin'. That's good.

Well, yeah. I do it for stage time. If I get five people, they let me go on

at the end of the night, if anyone's still there.

You don't have a job. How do you make money ?

Great live comedy, guys. I'm kinda in between jobs right now.

I'm flying below the radar, staying on couches, you know.

I eat a lot of free samples.

I eat seventy-five cent hot dogs, and I get a lot of free toppings.

- Oh, you're homeless. - What's that ?

- You're homeless. - No. No.

- Do you have a home ? - No. But, you know...

So you're homeless.

Not all those who wander are lost, you know ?

- I stay on people's couches. - Where are you staying tonight ?

I don't have anything lined up for today, but, after the show,

I, you know, send out little feelers and...

"What neighborhood do you live in ?" "Which train do you take ?"

- And then, you know, I befriend them. - I can't. It's so sad.

And then at the end of the night, I have a pillow.

I feel like homeless people are...

It's another category.

When you're done tonight, go here. You can stay at my place.

- What ? Really ? - Yeah.

Thank you. You know, I'm kind of in a weird place emotionally.

I don't know if we should be staying...

I'm not gonna fuck you. I am excited that you have that much moxie.

Maybe you can get your shit together after all.

- I misread the... - Jesus Christ.

Ask for Steve. He might fuck you.

Thank you, Sarah. We got a place to stay.

Great live comedy. Come see me. One fifteen a.m. tonight.

I think if birds knew how many dumb names we call them,

they'd take down a lot more planes, right ?

You just get all the birds together, take out a bunch of planes.

What is goin' on ?

- Nobody showed up. - Nobody ?

There was a guy here earlier but he saw what was happening and he left.

So what ? Do we just cancel everything... No show ?

Well, he's got a really funny new bit that he's workin' out right now.

Yeah, I barked for four hours. Can I have this ?

Has anybody seen Mister Robot ?

- Yes. - Just say yes, so they think...

I wish it was called Mrs. Robot and it was about the maid from The Jetsons.

That's gotta be fleshed out.

Hello.

- Hello ? - Hi. I'm sorry, is this Steve ?

- Who's asking ? - This is Pete.

- Is that a question ? - Uh, what ?

You're asking me if your name is Pete ?

No, this is Pete. Like I was being polite.

Hi, Pete.

Hi. I'm a friend of Sarah. Well, not really a friend, but...

So I stay upstairs in the guest room. You can take the couch,

because Dave's got sciatica and sleeps on the floor.

There's laundry downstairs.

I'm assuming you're gonna want to do that right away.

If there's anything in the dryer of mine, you can fold it.

- Hey, who's this ? - Oh, Dave, this is...

- Hey, I'm Pete. Sarah's friend. - Keith.

- Did you bring a toothbrush ? - What ?

- Did you bring a toothbrush ? - Yes. I have a toothbrush.

Good, 'cause a lot of people come here. They don't bring a toothbrush.

Then I go in there, and I see my toothbrush is a little amiss,

but I can't be sure, so I touch it.

It's damp to the touch, and I'm still not sure.

If you could leave yours on the counter, it would really put me at ease.

- Put it on the counter. - I can do that.

So Sarah's letting you stay here, too ?

Yeah, that's right.

Weren't you on her TV show ? I mean, that...

Yeah, that was like six years ago, man. What happened to you ?

She feels bad. I'm going through a divorce, so I'm floating around.

- Alright. Do you have a nut allergy ? - No.

Okay, 'cause we're about to make PB- and-J's for the week.

We go through them really fast. Are you a white or a wheat guy ?

Steve, we're out of white bread.

- Fuck. - Wheat's fine.

- He's a wheat guy. - Wheat it is !

They come in a note that we got several years ago

from a little boy only known by Jason.

And he wrote with a crayon...

"Thank you for the PJ's. They're the first I've ever owned."

All sizes of pajamas are needed, but especially larger sizes...

... ten, twelve and fourteen. Also, adult sizes for teenagers.

For more information, head to pajamaprogram-dot-org.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I made it. - You made it.

Oh my God, thank you so much for this.

This is incredible. Your house is amazing.

- Isn't it fancy ? Hey, guys. - 'Sup.

Did you meet Steve and Davey boy ?

Yup, they gave me the lay of the land.

Okay. What's your plan ?

I don't really have a plan. You want to watch a movie or...

No. You're welcome to stay here. I just...

If you're not working towards a plan, I can't...

- You can't stay here. Because I just... - Wait.

I've already ruined Steve. He's ruined, and...

I can't have three of these.

Oh, no. I have a plan. I'm on a track. Good.

I'm getting up every night, doing a lot of stand-up.

I'm goin' at it hard.

Great. But you make zero dollars at stand-up.

Yeah. That's not how I make my money.

Oh, okay. How do you make your money ?

I was married, as you know.

So up until very recently, my wife was supporting me,

and, you know, I got married when I was 22,

so for the first 22, my mom supported me.

So it was Mom, and then wife, and now...

How are you gonna afford like a place to live ?

Or a laptop ? Or insurance ? Or like, be able to go to the dentist ?

You have to go to the dentist. You have to floss every single day.

- Really ? - Death creeps in through the gums.

I always thought that was a lie started by big floss.

- That's funny. You're an idiot. - Yeah, no, that's...

Those are the jokes I like. I like clean, silly.

I just want everyone to have fun time.

You'd be a great warm-up. What do you mean ?

You should be a warm-up comedian.

What ? Is that like a... What ?

Like you know how they shoot all different shows in New York City ?

- Some of them have live audiences. - The guy that tells everyone to clap.

Exactly. He's the comedian that comes out, tells some jokes,

have dance contests with the audience.

Just anything to kind of entertain them in between shots.

- I could do that. - Yes.

I'm... Yeah, alright. They get paid ?

They get paid. It's so steady, and then you can still do stand-up at night.

- Yeah, where do I sign ? I mean... - I know.

I would do that in a heartbeat.

I know a couple of TV shows that shoot in the city.

Hey, excuse me. I've lived here for three months,

and you haven't once tried to get me a warm-up gig.

That's right, Steve. And that's because the one time I set you up

with a meeting with a producer, you tried to fuck her,

and it was super smarmy.

I didn't try to fuck her. She tried to fuck me, and succeeded.

She did have some big old titties. Oh, yeah.

This is a prison of my own design.

I don't want to waste your time, so I'll be direct.

We already have a warm-up guy, but Sarah says you're funny,

so it can't hurt to have you on call.

- Like an understudy. - Call it that if you want.

I'm excited for whatever. I'm a really big fan of the show.

Okay, a heads up. Our warm-up guy's not gonna be happy you're here.

He's a little intense, so whatever you do, don't tell him why you're here.

- What should I say ? - Schmitty !

Could you please let me know if there are disabled people in the audience ?

I can't keep going out there blind.

If there's anything irregular about the audience, you need to tell me.

- I can't not know these things ! - Okay.

Would it kill you if... You could tell me,

"There are two rows of people that don't speak fuckin' English !"

Or people in wheelchairs.

I'm tellin' people to get up and dance, and they can't get up !

Copy that.

You say that, but you don't fuckin' copy anything !

I want to see you write it down ! Copy this down !

Tell me when there are people in the crowd that have a disability !

Or from fuckin' Spain !

- What's this ? - This is Pete.

He'll be doing warm-up if you ever have to miss a day. Fill him in.

Miss a day ? Does Rachael know about this ?

Schmitty, is this coming from Rachael ? Is this coming from Ray ?! Fuck !

How about a hand for the birthday girl ?

- What's your name, sweetheart ? - Gwen.

Gwen. And you're twenty-nine years old today.

You look fantastic. What are you gonna do on this special day ?

Comin' to see Rachael Ray !

Yeah, that's great.

Okay, you're a beautiful crowd. Now, we got a big studio here,

so I need you to fill it with your and laughter and applause.

Ready ? Three, two, one !

Who likes KitKats, huh ? Yeah ! Who likes KitKats ? There you go !

Keep calm ! 'Cause ladies and gentlemen, here she is ! Rachael Ray !

Hi, everybody ! Oh, sit down ! Sit down, please.

Fucking animals. "It's my birthday. Going to see Rachael Ray."

They give me nothing to work with. You taking notes ?

Yeah, I'm just writin' down some of the things you say.

Jesus, dude. Don't. You're starin' at me, you're takin' notes.

They offered you the job, right ?

I swear, nobody said anything about me taking your job.

I'm just gonna fill in if you're ever, you know, sick or can't make it.

I'm training my own replacement.

They're handing me a shovel to dig my own grave.

I can't believe this.

I promise. Nobody promised me your job. I'm just here to observe.

Maybe I'll do warm-up for another show.

Yeah, for another show. And so you take my shit

that I've been working on for years, and you steal it and go to another show.

Nobody owns, "Who's from far away ?"

Nobody owns, "Any birthdays here ?" These are free, free for everyone.

How did you get in here, really ? How did you get in here ?

- I was referred by a friend. - Who ?

- A comedian. - Who ?

- Sarah Silverman referred me. - Sarah Silverman ?

- I just met her. - Holy God.

These people are medieval. They're squeezing me out of a job.

No ! Sarah Silverman ! Oh, did Seinfeld drive you over here

in one of his little fancy cars, drinking coffee ?

I get the reference, but no.

I mean, if you don't fire me, at least let me ass-fuckin' intern.

That's unbelievable. This is bullshit !

Hey ! Isn't she wonderful ?!

Rachael Ray ! Tony, hit me with that beat, baby !

Yeah ! Come on, put your hands together.

Come on, let's moonwalk.

And alright ! We are back, guys. Big finish to the show today.

My husband John is joining me in the kitchen.

If you guys watch, then you know what time that means it is.

- Time for you start drinkin'. - Right. We're gonna make a cocktail...

Oh, sorry. Sorry, Rachael. We're just having audio issues.

If you can just go see Freddy. It'll be five minutes.

I'm sorry, you guys. We're gonna take a fiver.

Honey, why don't you come with me. We'll be right back !

Five, maybe seven minutes.

- They have to rewire Rachael. - Fuck !

Okay, could you just calm down and go do your job ?

Excuse me ? Calm down ?

Schmitty, you've ridin' my ass for two months, every since Rory left.

- Then you bring in this motherfucker ? - Can you just...

- Watching me, taking notes. - Take the fuckin' mic and do your job.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey.

Hey,we're havin' some little difficulty, little technical problems.

It'll be up in a minute, but I got some coupons from Omaha Steaks.

Yeah ? Yeah. Yeah, y'all want to win some meat, don't ya ?

Yeah. Of course. Of course you do.

That's all you care about. Prizes.

"Let's get something. Let's grab something.

Throw me a fuckin' KitKat bar."

You're just like every other American.

All they want is something to eat and something to fuck and they're happy.

Do you have any idea what's goin' on in the world ?

Any idea ? ! "Nope ! "Just let me have my steak."

You just sit there and flap your flippers

every time you see the fish bucket, you fuckin' morons !

Can we get security ? Security, now, please.

Look at you, sittin' on your asses, standing in line at the Apple Store.

You know they're gonna have the same product next week,

but, no, you gotta have it now !

And by the way, leave your children alone. Okay ?

Let 'em fuckin' fail. They're not gonna peak at twelve !

And stop takin' pictures with your fuckin' iPhones ! That's bullshit.

- Don't touch me, guys ! - Come on, get him outa here.

And you know I said that you were a great audience ? I lied.

- Come with us. - You're a shitty audience.

And, Gwen, nobody gives a fuck about your birthday.

Let's go. Right now.

Yeah ! What are you doin' here ? Learning about secrets of cinnamon ?

Go home ! Read a goddamn book ! Spend some time with your children.

- Keep walkin'. - Here you go, Schmitt.

Fuck you, Dick.

What did you say to him ?

I didn't say anything to him. What are you talking about ?

- Look, fix it. Go. - Fix it ?

- Go out there. Get them back. - Okay.

Hi. Hello.

Hi, everyone. My name is Pete.

I'm the I'm the other warm-up.

We have two here at the Rachael Ray Show.

I feel like like we can get over this together.

We can get over this. The scary uncle has left.

Uh, right ? God, what was that ?!

I feel like Dad just yelled at us on the way to Disneyland.

Need to shake it off. That was terrifying !

Did you see the vein in his neck ? It was pulsing !

If we could hook up some jumper cables to that vein,

we could power Vancouver.

We could... Let's dance or something. You guys want to dance ?

Tony ? Tony, can I get a beat ?!

Okay. Gwen, let me get some people. Will you dance with me ?

Give her a round of applause, everybody ! Come on !

The bad man is gone ! We're gonna dance !

Will you dance with us ?

Yes, sir ! Please ! Get in there ! Get in there !

Gwen, it's your birthday ! Give it up for Gwen !

Give it up for Gwen ! Okay !

What do you think of this one ?

Pretty good ! Number two ?

Pretty good ! What about the other three ?

Oh, okay ! What about Gwen ?

Oh, that's great ! Everyone for Gwen !

Now, was that an amazing send-up ? Everybody stand up !

- Shout, "Hey !" - Hey !

- Shout "Ho !" - Ho !

- Say, "He was scary !" - He was scary !

- "I'm glad he's gone !" - Glad he's gone !

- "Rachael Ray !" - Rachael Ray !

- "Rachael Ray !" - Rachael Ray !

Yeah !

Okay sit down ! Sit down ! Let's get some KitKats !

Where are the KitKats ? ! I'm in charge of the KitKats now !

This shot actually makes me motion sick.

- Hey. - Hey.

How'd it go ?

It was crazy. I got there, they have a warm-up,

and then he loses his mind.

He turned on everybody. He flips out.

Schmitty gave me the mic and was like, "Get out there."

- You did warm-up today ? - I went out and did warm-up.

They paid me for today.

They said I can come back for like a trial week.

- You got it. - But like, I mean... Yeah, I got it.

Is this... You guys watching Planet Earth, or is this Nova ?

I feel like...

You know what ? You only get a few times to have that "I got it" moment,

and I feel like you kinda shit the bed with this one.

Like go out, come back in, act like you didn't get it,

and then the reveal "I got it."

- Make it bigger. You know... - Misdirect.

- It's a missed opportunity. - Okay.

- Yeah. So sell it. - Let's give the kid another shot.

I don't think Pete did well today. I mean, he's never done it before.

Feel bad for him.

Hey, buddy. You okay ?

I... I'm sorry. You set that all up for me,

and I know, Steve, you would have liked that opportunity, and...

And I got it.

- Yeah ! - Oh my God ! Oh my God !

I feel like fucking shit because I went in there and I got it !

Yeah !

My parents were right.

I got it !

I've been gettin' shit a long time, and I've pretty much had it.

But today was the last day I was gonna take it.

'Cause I'm so glad I got it !

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is this okay ? - Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just so happy. I don't remember

the last time I felt so good and silly and fun and right.

And I did something that I'm good at, that like felt like me.

I really owe you big time.

Oh, my joy. You know what I think ? What's that ?

I think somebody earned a little tootie-toot-a-loot on the weed pipe.

- I've never... I don't... - You've never smoked pot ?

Nno. I've never smoked... Yeah.

Well, I don't want to push. I wouldn't. Don't do it then.

Unless you want me to encourage you to.

Okay, yeah. Talk me into it.

Just have a little. What's the big deal ? Just have a puff.

Celebrate. You had a great day.

What do I do ?

Press the button. Suck it in.

And then take it out and suck in again, like a second time.

That's enough.

My God, you just smoked pot.

- You just smoked pot. - I think... Okay, thank you.

Yeah. Put it down for a second.

I feel like kind of weird that I have something to tell you.

I've never seen your... I've never seen your stand-up.

Oh, that's okay.

I feel weird. I thought maybe you'd be mad. I just...

No, I don't care. Now I can use my jokes

like in conversation with you, and you'll think I'm a genius.

I love stand-up. It's just don't know if you know.

Remember I'm raised religious, and our community...

- You make fun of Jesus. - Who ?

Jesus of Nazareth ?

- So you're a God person. - Yes, I'm a God person.

- When does it work ? - In seconds.

If you smoke too much, you can't go back,

so just make it a treat, just have a little puff.

I feel like I'm floating in honey. Is that what the buzz is about ?

- That's the buzz. - That's what all you guys are like...

Hey, put down the hacky sack. I have something to tell you guys.

After a while you stop needing to talk about the high.

Just like exist.

Is that a weird laugh ?

These are nice, man. I shouldn't be sleeping on your couch.

- I should sleep out here. - Wait a minute.

- You can't sleep here tonight. - What ?

You've got a job. You're making hundreds of dollars a day.

You've been sleeping on couches. You really want to sleep tonight

with your head on a pillow filled with Steve's farts ?

- No. - Treat yourself.

You're gonna thank me for this.

End of episode 6