Original subtitles

I love you so much.

I just woke up. Still in bed, actually.

I got the same table as last year. It's gonna be perfect.

I know. I can't wait to see ya.

I know. I love you, too. I love you so much.

I just carry it around in my heart all day, knowing that you love me.

Makes me so happy.

People are here. I can't do that for you right now.

I love you, too, Schbeebs. Okay, bye-bye. I love you.

- Sorry, man. - That's cool, man.

- I have nowhere to go. - Hey, nothin' to be sorry about.

- You're a ho. - What are you talking about ?

You've been cryin' about your wife this entire time, and you had a side chick ?

Givin' her that bedroom voice.

Was she touchin' herself ? She diddle the griddles, hmm ?

- No, that was my mom. - Fuck.

She's a special lady, and I'm her little gentleman.

CRASHING Episode 5

- So what are these, exactly ? - Oh, they're Kingston Selects.

- Are they farm-raised ? - They're hormone free.

One hundred percent natural.

I think smoky chicken might be the winner.

It's not too smoky, you know ?

I think they could ruin a lot with that smoke taste.

Smoke isn't good for you. Know what I mean ?

You think it is, it tastes fine, but smoke is smoke.

They're really, really good. Thanks for letting us have 'em.

If you like 'em, they're available for purchase on the freezer aisle.

- Yeah ? - Okay.

You know, if I'm over that way, well, I'm gonna get some.

Hey, you don't have to apologize, man.

This is what we do, alright ? We're just here for the free lunch.

They have cheese out in aisle two.

Oh, yeah. Oh, thank you so much. We'll be back. My man.

- Which one do you like ? - I'm vegetarian. I've never tried them.

- What's your name ? - Don't worry about it.

See, Pete. I got my cost of living down to about eight dollars a day.

That includes subway fare and the occasional slice of full-priced pizza.

All you gotta do is figure out where the free shit is, man.

It's kinda sad, though. Like we're eating free cheese for lunch.

I just read about how Kat Williams has like a private jet...

Dude, stop. No, that's later.

We ain't shit yet. Kat Williams put in the work.

He's supposed to be on a private jet, smokin' weed out of a crab leg.

Pressin' the call button so the stewardess can give him a handjob

while he watches Finding Nemo.

Sorry, hold on.

If that's your mom, man, just get away from here.

- Hey. How are you ? - Good. Things are good.

- How are you ? - Good. I'm good, too.

I saw you called. What do you want ?

Jess, it's my mom's birthday,

and I was really hoping maybe you would come down for dinner.

Why would I do that ?

I'll be honest. I haven't told them yet about us.

- Peter, really ? - I mean, when's a good time ?

- I told my parents the next day. - Seriously ?

Were you looking forward to that ? Jess, my mom doesn't deserve this.

She doesn't deserve this on her birthday, okay ?

It's gonna ruin her month.

Please, just buy me some time. Do this for me one more night.

- Just give me a little wiggle room. - You want me to lie ?

I don't want you to lie. I'm asking you to pretend.

You know what I'm saying ? Like what happened happened.

Excuse me.

And you and I will both know that,

but you'll pretend that it happened a week after my mother's birthday.

- That sounds really complicated. - It's not complicated.

We just go to dinner and we pretend that what happened

just a little while ago will happen in about five days.

So, eventually, that present reality will catch up to the now,

and then I'll tell them. How is that complicated ?

- Hello ? - Fine. I'll do it.

Really ? I'm not gonna lie. That is fantastic news.

I have been kind of freaking out about this.

Hi. I'll be right out.

Okay.

Sorry. Could you help me with this ? Sorry.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

God !

You're the... I'm sorry to yelp.

You're the second person other than my wife to see me naked. It's weird.

You know, would you leave a Yelp review ?

- Would you come to this... ? - I can't hear you.

I was making jokes about Yelp. Oh God.

Paper right here. Paper !

Right here, sir. How about you ? You got it.

- Hey. - Hi.

These aren't for you. These are for my mom for her birthday.

Got so excited.

I'm not standing here, "Ah, take me back !"

I remembered to wear my ring. I saw you did, too. That's good.

I haven't taken it off yet. News of the divorce hasn't reached my fingers.

Tell 'em.

I'll tell 'em the day I buy 'em something nice,

like a new glove or mitten.

I'm sorry. Uh, I haven't felt right taking it off yet.

I'll get there.

Do you want to maybe maybe get a drink before we do this ?

Yes. Yeah. Yes.

- I think that could help. - Yeah, I had a beer on the train, so...

Maybe I'll have two. You can have one. We don't want to be too...

I can have another one.

Uh, okay. You have two, I'll have one.

You still going to Tampa ? Is that the plan ?

Yeah, we're just figuring out logistics.

- Do you like Florida ? - Yeah, I mean excited to see.

- You been goin' to church ? - No.

Me, neither, actually. I've been sleepin' in on Sunday.

- I've been working nights. Comedy. - That's good.

Should we tell my parents we're not going to church ?

How many lies are we gonna tell them ?

We should probably tell 'em. Nothing fancy, just like,

"Hey, how's church ?" "It's been great."

"Sermons, they're lovely. Lovely sermons."

You have to tell them we're getting divorced.

I will. What I'll do is I'll start dropping hints in a month.

- You just need to tell them. - I will.

- Soon. - I'm gonna.

- Okay. - But I'm gonna build up to it.

"Hey, we're having problems." "What's goin' on ?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Then they'll kinda... It's like a...

You know they have that Ambien that dissolves slowly, so you stay asleep ?

Yeah.

That's how I want to tell them. We just gotta get through tonight.

I didn't think I was gonna have to see your mom again,

so this is already a lot for me.

What are you talking about ?

We're getting divorced. I wasn't gonna see your family anymore.

Excuse me. I fully intend on seeing your dad from time to time.

You're not gonna see my dad from time to time.

Why wouldn't I see your dad ?

We have a separate relationship that has nothing to do with you.

Okay, just don't regress.

You always regress when you're around your parents. It's so disturbing.

I won't regress. Do you want another one before we...

- Yeah, I would love that. You ? - Yeah.

You still don't like the taste ?

- Gets me where I need to go, though. - Yeah.

- Petey Pusses ! - Hello !

So how is my favorite boy in the whole world ?

- Jess, how are ya ? - Good. How are you doin' ?

Oh, not too bad for an old fella. Hey, paisan. How you doin' ?

- How you doin' ? - How you doin' ?

- Hi, Ma. Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, honey.

You look great. Good to see you.

You know, I was only born to give birth to you.

Oh my goodness.

You know.

- When's the last time you ate ? - About a week back.

- How long you had weak back ? - About a week back.

- It's a classic. - Think so.

So, when am I gonna get you home for a visit ?

- I'd love to show you off at church. - I don't know. I...

Both of you. It would be so fun.

We couldn't take our walks around the pond.

We could go to Cheesecake.

What neighborhood is this ? Is this Tribeca ?

Yeah, maybe, Mom. This is Soho, Dad.

No, Soho, I don't think so.

Yeah, no. This is Soho. It's south of Houston, Soho.

Well, where's Ground Zero ?

Let's take a few minutes and pick out a nice long weekend.

Eh, well...

You have some time comin' up, don't cha ?

Yeah, maybe. Uh, well, we can see if I do.

But, you know, probably, we could probably make that work.

There's always a Jewish holiday or a regular holiday

that we could, you know, make it work.

Good, 'cause lookin' forward to it is half the fun for me.

- I know. - Oh, I love my boy.

I love you, too.

This is exactly what I wanted for my birthday.

Oh, me, too, Mama.

You're the best mama in the whole world. I love you so much.

I love you, too, darling. I think about you all the time.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick.

Please do let them take this. It's... molto bene. So...

- Hey, don't fall in. - Oh, I'll be careful.

More than three shakes and you're playin' with it.

I won't let my meatloaf, Dad.

- You are so beautiful. - Oh, thank you.

- Where's that bracelet I got ya ? - Uh, which bracelet ?

- The one with the little engraving. - The "What would Jesus do ?"

- Yeah, it was a nice one. - Yeah, it is nice.

I got dressed really fast, so I didn't remember to put it on.

- You know what Jesus would do ? - What ?

I think he would wear the bracelet.

You think Jesus would wear a bracelet that says, "What would Jesus do ?"

Well, he would if his mother-in-law got it for him.

Wouldn't it say, "What would I do ?" And wouldn't he know ?

- How far are we from the U.N. ? - I have no idea.

Can I get someone another drink ?

Yes. I don't know about Jesus, but that's what I'm doin'.

Oh, and could we get the cake now, please ?

Oh, they don't have whole cakes, Rita. We'll order something off the menu.

Oh, well, then just bring four pieces of cake. Whatever you've got.

Sure.

- No, actually, I'll have the tiramisu. - Absolutely.

I bought a new ladder yesterday.

It's one of those new folding ones that you can make a platform out of.

This is fun.

- We getting a cake ? - Some of us are.

So, your father and I were talking about making Thanksgiving this year

in a restaurant like this.

Taking a year off cooking, so we can make a special Christmas.

Yeah, I mean, you work so hard cooking all that food,

why not take one off ? That's...

- One year. - Just one year. That's great.

We're not gonna spend Thanksgiving with you this year.

What ? Why not ?

We've just been with you guys for the last five years in a row,

and we haven't been with my family, so...

You know, we can figure it out. We can talk about it.

That doesn't... It's not set in stone or anything.

- At least we'll see you for Christmas. - Of course.

Right. We'll see you at Christmas.

Oh, we won't be with you guys on Christmas, either.

We're going to London with my family.

London, England ?

Well, that's not, you know, that's not definite.

I don't know if I can stand you being gone for both holidays.

It's just a conversation we're having. It might be fun to travel one year.

Well, you know, I love the idea of traveling for Christmas.

You know, I've always wanted to go Israel for Christmas.

I think that's a great idea.

Wouldn't that be something special ? You know, what you could do ?

You go London with your family for Christmas Eve,

and then on Christmas Day, you fly to Israel

and we have Christmas together in the Holy Land, the four of us.

Wait, you want us to fly to Israel on Christmas ?

Yeah, it's just a short hop.

Well, you might have to connect through Frankfurt.

It's a slow travel day. We could do both.

Okay, stop. We're not gonna be together on the holidays

because we're not together anymore.

- What ? - Duh. No.

- We're getting a divorce. - We're not getting a divorce.

- Yeah, we are. - Hold on. She's right.

We are going through something, but we're working on it.

We went through it, and it's done and I'm seeing someone else.

It's not done.

Why on earth would you do something like that ?

'Cause I like him more and because I like his family more.

Pete doesn't care. He just loves comedy.

- Jess, what are you doing ? - No, really.

Your family is so creepy. I can't even take it any longer.

Seriously, the way that you two love each other is disgusting.

It's actually very uncomfortable for me.

I can't take any more of the love you share. It's too much.

That is... Stop.

You treat him like he's a baby. He's 32 years old.

- He has cholesterol medication. - You do ? Are you okay ?

It's over the counter. It's like fish oil.

You know, why don't you guys just get a honeymoon suite in Israel.

You watch the sunrise over Galilee.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute now. - Jess.

This whole time, you probably felt like he was cheating on you with me.

And now you can be together. Okay ? He's all yours.

- Stop ! - Enjoy.

Shit.

Jess ! What the hell was that ?

- You weren't gonna do it. - Yeah, you're right.

I wasn't gonna do it because I decided it wasn't the right time.

You are blocked. Okay, I was trying to free you.

God, you sound like him. You sound like Lief.

You guys both find these magnificent ways to do incredibly selfish horseshit

and make it sound like it's something for my benefit.

- It is for your benefit, Peter. - No, it's not.

How about doing what I asked for my benefit ?

It was for you. It was for you, and it was for your dad, okay ?

He's probably sick of all that kissy shit.

Who is this ? I don't even recognize this person.

Good. I don't want you to recognize me. I'm different.

I want to experience new things, Peter. I want to like ride on a motorcycle

and like steal something from a store for no reason.

I just want to have fun. You've never even smoked weed.

- That's a bad thing ? - Yeah.

- You've never smoked weed. - I'm high right now !

Okay, that is irresponsible.

It's Blue Dream, Peter. It makes you a genius.

Is this God's plan for your life ?

This is what he wants ? Smoking Blue Dreams ?

Yeah. Fuck that false Puritanical bullshit. It's not about that.

God is everywhere, okay ?

God was in the restaurant when you were Frenching your mom.

He's in the weed. He's in everything.

God was not in the restaurant when you told my mother

that she's in love with me on her birthday.

She is in love with you ! She's in love with you !

And the worst part is, you love it. You love it, you want it.

Well, your mom's very negative. Do you know that ?

I know. I'm the one who told you that.

- Yeah, well, it's true, alright ? - Okay.

It drives your father to drink,

and I think he only gardens to get breaks.

Who cares about my parents ? Break up with your mom.

- Where you goin' ? - I put it in.

I don't understand how a Christian girl could do something so carnal.

- Who was this guy ? - Someone she worked with. I dunno.

Every married woman knows if a man tries to give you a look, you look away.

I got plenty of looks. They'd look, I'd look away.

Yeah, well, she didn't look away, Mom.

This is why we sent you Christian camp and Christian college,

so these things wouldn't happen to you.

What do you want me to say ? I'm sorry.

- Well, you can't get divorced. - What ?

Honey, you took an oath before God.

Yeah, because you told me to, Mom.

We went to dinner at a Chili's in Burlington,

and you told me that if I got married, that was God's plan.

That would put me in his plan. I did everything I was supposed to.

I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't have sex.

He's testing you. This is a test,

and God never gives you more than you can handle.

And I am handling it. I'm rolling. I'm trying.

I'm performing even more than I used to.

Well, maybe that's part of the problem, is you going out at nights.

- When do you see your wife ? - Rita.

Everybody asks me that. When do you see your wife ?

When do dentists see their wives ? Comedians are free 21 hours a day.

We'd watch Lord of the Rings, all three of them, several times a year.

Extended versions.

You build on that time. Be together. Watch more films.

You stay with your wife, and you figure out how to fix this.

Mama, there's nothing to fix. She made up her mind.

She doesn't want to be with me.

What you need to do is keep at it until you figure this out.

I can't fucking talk to you guys !

- Oh, where are you going ? - I have a set.

- What ? - I have a spot.

What are you talking about, Peter ?

I'm doing stand-up comedy ! At a club in Manhattan !

- Peter, Peter. Wait a minute now. - What, Dad ?

Go on, go on. Sit down, sit down. Let's have a talk. Come on.

I don't... I'm sorry, but that...

I know, I know. It's alright. She's gonna be fine.

So you have a show ?

Yes, I have a show. I'm performing every night.

That's good. That's good. That's what you should do.

Lose yourself in your work. Keep your mind off it.

The club's actually called The Boston. I mean...

In Manhattan. What are the chances ?

I think the owner's from the North Shore.

- Are you alright ? - Yeah. I mean, you know.

I never told you this.

Your mother and I wanted to, but I kept putting it off.

- What, Dad ? - I was married, before your mother.

- What ? - I...

It was just for a couple of months. Like a month.

It was a mistake. We both knew it was a mistake.

My mom had just died.

I was looking for stability, any stability, and I made a mistake.

So I've been there.

My son. My son.

- I'm sorry, Dad. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Two for one, Boston Comedy Club.

Two for one. Great all headliner show.

Great live comedy. Thank you.

Great live comedy. Thanks.

So I like to eat food. We're not that different, you and I.

I have a lot of opinions about it. For example, don't you think

any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it ?

I've lived here a couple years. I'm still getting used to it.

I've learned to like it in a lot of ways.

It's a great city, if you're into struggle.

To me, it feels like everyone in the city is an involuntary contestant

in a reality show called So You Think You Can Exist ?

And then every day

you just pop your head out of the little box you're assigned.

The city just hurls experiences at your face,

as basically just like, "You gonna break today ?"

Alright. We're gonna keep the show moving.

You're gonna love your next comic. We're lucky to have him here.

Please give it up for Jason Webber !

Oh, shit.

What's up, fuckers ! What's up ?

You're next.

- What's wrong ? - Those are my parents.

I just left the corner store.

Some chick in there, half top, big fake titties.

I can't help but look at 'em. She got mad at me.

She goes, "What are you lookin' at ?" I was like, "What am I lookin' at ?

If stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls-eye on it,

you might take a second fuckin' peekaboo.

I'm lookin' at you, shotgun titties ! Who do you think I'm lookin' at ?

And speakin' of pussy,

women, you don't have to shave your pussy entirely.

Leave a little something. Otherwise, it just feels like part of the thigh.

If I'm goin' into a rough neighborhood, I want to know it.

Hoo boy.

You ever lose your own erection while jerkin' off,

and then you think, "I don't know if it's the blow

or my inability to sustain an emotional relationship,

but I can't get anything to come out !

You know, "Yeah, yeah..."

Nothin' but dust comin' out ! Cha cha cha !

Am I right, sir ? Ma'am ? A-bang ! Ba-bang ! Ba-bang !

Good night, fuckers ! Good night !

Jason Webber.

I don't know if it's safe to touch this.

Alright ! Your next comic, another delight.

Please welcome Mister Pete Holmes ! Yay !

Tthanks very much. Keep it goin' for well, begin it again for Anaya.

I know it's been a long show. Thanks so much for staying.

Some of you are excited, like, "Look it's lesbian Val Kilmer."

There he is, the bi-curious worst Batman.

I bought a paper shredder. I love it.

I shred everything. Receipts, the manual.

I just plugged in the shredder, put in the manual.

Like, if this doesn't shred, I'll read it.

I had to go upstate recently, and I saw my favorite road sign,

sometimes you see next to a mountain or a cliff.

It's the one that says, "Caution. Falling rocks."

Have you seen that one ? That's my favorite

because what are we supposed to do ?

Slow down ? Speed up ? It's like, "Nah, just brace yourself."

- Hey. - Hey.

It was very good. It was very good.

- I can't believe you came. - It's alright. We couldn't sleep.

We haven't been out this late since, I don't know, maybe ever.

And what did you think, Mom ?

I'm sorry some of the other guys were dirty... It's not always like that.

Well, it was, you know... I didn't get everything you said.

Like what ?

Like lesbian Val Kilmer. You look like Val Kilmer. I get that.

But what's the lesbian part ? Do lesbians look a certain way ?

- Well... - Can you even say that ?

I mean, aren't all kinds of different people lesbians ?

Yeah, mostly women.

- I know. I'm just making jokes. - They're just jokes. Jokes.

Well... But I didn't really learn anything about you.

Where was the perspective ?

The other guy, he was dirty, but at least he had point of view.

Sex can be a difficult thing.

I got a very clear picture of what he's struggling with.

I'm sorry. You liked Jason, who...

He slapped that stool with his microphone penis.

Sweetheart, you were up there talking about road signs.

Is that how you want to spend your life ?

Talking about road signs ?

It's observational. You know, it makes people happy.

Well, you want to make people happy, darling, remind them of your faith.

This is a distraction.

This isn't a distraction, this is my life.

You're losing your marriage for this ? This is no kind of life.

Well, yes, it is. This is comedy. This is what I want to do.

- Honey, how will you survive ? - Rita, come on. He's fine.

Let's go to bed.

- Good night, son. - 'Night, Pop.

- Good night, honey. - Good night.

- Love you, son. - Love you, Pop.

Thanks for coming tonight. It means a lot.

You needed help. I care about you.

Yeah. Enough to call me on my bullshit.

Break-ups are hard, especially with your mom.

She'll find somebody new. Maybe my dad. I mean, he's right there.

I don't think he's interested.

Maybe if she dressed like Ted Williams. Then he's really have it for her.

Well, I'm proud of you for doing it.

So small.

I'm sorry things are going well for me and they're rough for you right now.

- I'm doin' okay, actually. - Yeah ?

Yeah, honestly, I have no money,

but kinda havin' the best time of my life.

That's great.

- Yeah. That is great. - Yeah.

You know what I really miss ? Doors.

Oh, yeah ? You don't have a door ?

You don't know until you live without doors how great doors are.

- Yeah ? - Oh, I'd kill for a door.

- If it had a lock... - No.

Oh my God. I go in the bathroom just to close the door

and just be like, "Oh, the click."

End of episode 5