Original subtitles

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight. It's a great show.

All headliner showcase, two for one.

No, sorry. My name is Pete. I'm a comedian.

Hey, Pete. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Uh, somebody told me that you guys...

I'm gonna stop you there, Pete. I know what somebody told you.

You're looking for stage time, right ? You got the soft scared look in your eye

like your mother just dropped you off at the Mall of America.

Listen, I got all the fuckin' comedians I can handle.

What I need is some audience. Fuck, I need less comedians.

I'd love to help ya, but I can't, so God bless, good luck, fuck off.

There's nothin' I can do.

- Hold on. You're a comedian ? - Yeah. You know my shit ?

No, I'm sorry. But you get how it is, man.

I gotta pay fourteen dollars to do an open mic.

I'm performing for other people who are waiting to perform.

I need a real club.

There's nothing I can do. I don't... You know.

- I mean, unless you want to bark. - What ? I'll do that. What's that ?

Well, lotta guys think it puts kind of a stink on ya,

but, you know, it's when you take these fliers

and you put your name on the back, and you go to corner,

and then, if you get five paying customers by the end of the night,

we'll put you on stage, but it's a big if there's still audience here.

So it's a butt fuck, but it's the butt fuck I'm offering.

I accept your butt fuck. That... yes.

Not so fast. Let's see your moves.

- What, now ? - Yeah, now.

Hey, do you have plans tonight ? We've got a great show. Madam ?

Hey, comedy. He looked busy.

Yeah, they're all busy. They're walking, Pete.

Move the flier, move the flier. Flick.

- When it goes back in the stack... - Flick in the stack.

Come here. Gimme this. Let me show you how it's done.

Big man ! Comedy show tonight. All headliner showcase.

- Not interested. - Not interested ? Come on !

It's the best show in town. Whadya got to do ?

- Dude, fuck off, man. - Fuck ? Fuck off ?

It's the best fuckin' show in town !

- Fuck comedy. - Fuck comed... Hey, fuck you !

- Fuck me ? Fuck you ! - Oh, honey, babe. It's okay.

- Fuckin' asshole. - Yeah.

Keep walkin' ! I hope you both have a bunch o' kids !

And you gotta deal with all of the associated responsibilities...

You cocksucka ! Fuck you !

That's how it's done, my friend.

- What's up, guys ? I'm Pete. - Yo.

- You barkin', too ? - Yeah.

Did you guys look closely at this flier at all ?

I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld.

Do any of these people actually perform here ?

Fuck, no.

Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there. He's not even a comic.

Ray Romano came in here once on accident,

but then he just used the shitter and he left.

Where you guys are concerned, they're all here.

Okay, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louie C.K.

You tell 'em we're reanimating Richard fuckin' Pryor

if that'll get 'em through this door.

Alright ? Boy Scout, we're not sellin' thin Mints here.

We haven't been sayin' Bill Cosby as much recently.

Yeah.

I just don't know if I feel comfortable lying to people.

And do you feel more comfortable not performin' ?

There's gotta be a middle ground there.

I mean, even if we do get them in here with lies,

they'll know it's a bait and switch.

No, they're not. They're stupid tourists.

It's like who comes to New York and doesn't have a plan ?

Yeah, they're gonna end up like at a Panera Bread

or gettin' human trafficked.

- Is that a verb ? Human trafficked ? - When they do it to you.

What ?

- I'm at MacDougal and Third. I... - Lucky.

Is that good ?

No, they're all shitty, but you got the least shitty.

I'm in front of an NYU dorm.

It's like those kids are too smart to fall for this shit.

Yo, comedy, man ?

You guys eat here ?

Oh, yeah. You can't bark for four hours and not eat.

Four hours ?

That guy before me, he's already tanking.

And for his closer, he decides to put his entire mouth over the microphone.

- You know how dirty those are ? - Then he deep-throated it.

This is great.

West Village, look at this. Standing on the corner, eatin' street food.

We're gonna do a set tonight at a club in Manhattan. I love this.

What the fuck's wrong with you ?

No, I'm just sayin', following the dream. We're grinding it out.

I'm happy to be with you guys.

- Oh, he's doin' a bit. - It's a bit.

No, no, no. I mean it. You know, you follow your heart.

- You should be proud of yourselves. - I get it. You're Mormon.

I'm not Mormon, I'm just regular, you know ?

- Regular what ? - Oh, regular Christian.

No add-ons, just old and new, meat and potatoes.

To be honest, I'm a little worried about all the standing.

Four hours on concrete, that's really hard on your knees.

If I had known, I would have worn more comfortable shoes,

like a nurse's shoe or a clog.

Are you talking like a wooden shoe, like what little Dutch girls wear ?

No, like a modern clog, like a Croc.

You get the ones that don't have the holes in the top.

With a long pant, it looks like a shoe. It's like a comfortable secret.

You're like a mental patient that's been released for the afternoon.

- I'm gonna sit down. - It's worse than an open mic.

Can you guys open it up ?

Like if you just... if you just kinda circle here, I can still...

We can see you.

You're good there, man. You're good.

Great comedy show tonight. Great comedy show to...

Great live comedy tonight. We got a great show. Excuse me.

Got a great live comedy show. Great. Great live comedy tonight.

All headliner show, 8:30 tonight.

All headliner show, right up the block, two for one with the flier.

Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows ?

Great live comedy. You ought to... Yes ! Thank you.

Great live comedy tonight. Right up the block. 8:30 show.

Great live comedy. Great live comedy. My knees hurt.

Great live comedy. Great comedy show tonight.

Two for one. Amplified jokes !

We got amplified jokes happening on a stage.

All headliner show tonight, ladies.

Hello, great live comedy tonight. We got a great show.

Great live comedy, guys. You wanna...

Great live comedy show. Two for ten, 8:30 tonight. All headliners.

- We love comedy. - Great.

Oh my God, is Seinfeld on the show ?

- Not necessarily. You know, it's... - What ?

It's New York. He might pop in.

Why would you put him on the flier then ?

These are examples of the types of comedians you might see.

I like to think each of them influence the essence of the people

you will see performing.

That's fucked up, man.

You go to an Italian restaurant, there's a picture of Frank Sinatra.

Doesn't mean he's gonna be there.

Where'd you get that coffee ? Do they have a bathroom ?

Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom in that pizzeria ?

Hello. Great live comedy.

Hi. Great live comedy ?

Please help me with this man ?

Do you see him ?

Do you know if there's a bathroom around here ?

Do you know if there's a bathroom in the area ?

Where do you pee ?

- Hey, can I help you ? - I'm just goin' to the bathroom.

Customers only.

Yeah, I'm like just number one. Just to pee. Just a pow !

- Customers only, dude. - Really ?

Yeah. You want to use the bathroom, you're gonna have to order somethin'.

If I had a bar and you came in, I would look the other way.

Do you have a bar ?

I've always wanted to open a winery in the Adirondacks.

So what you're saying is pointless.

- Okay, give me a coke. - Coke.

That's eight dollars.

- I'm sorry ? - Eight.

- Dollars ? - Yeah.

- For the coke ? - Yeah.

Coca-Cola at a bodega or a gas station, like two liters, 99 cents.

89 in some neighborhoods that are rougher. Okay ?

This isn't a bodega.

If I give you eight dollars, I have two dollars left.

- How about a tip ? - I'm handing out fliers for free.

That sounds like a you problem.

Here you go. It's a service industry, built on principle.

Enjoy your pee.

I wish I had to shit. I'd put it on the floor.

Want to see some comedy tonight, sir ?

Greenwich Comedy Club, big show tonight. Got a great show tonight.

Greenwich Comedy Club. Would you like to see some comedy ?

Hi ! You want to see some comedy ? It's a great show. Big show tonight.

- I'll take it. - Thank you.

You want to see some comedy, sir ?

Sorry... Hi. No, I've been working on this corner tonight.

Oh, yeah ? That's nice.

Hey, you want to see some comedy ? Like comedy ?

Sorry. So I... Could I get my corner back ?

Oh, this is your corner ? This, Macdougal and Third, is your corner.

You're Macdougal.

I understand. It's not my corner, but I was here.

I established a presence.

My club is right down there. I got a good thing goin'.

Comedy. Greenwich Comedy Club. Great show.

You see they're walking towards my club.

- What was I gone ? Three minutes ? - Oh, three minutes.

So if you have a parking spot and you drive off for three minutes,

is that supposed to be your parking spot for the rest of your life ?

Is that how you think cities work ?

I understand the comparison, but this isn't a parking spot.

- Just walk away. - No, I'm just... Could we...

Walk away.

Geez.

- Walk away. - Okay.

Would you like to see some comedy, Miss ?

It's a really nice show. I think you'll like it.

Hey, we got Jim Gaffigan tonight. Jim... Come on, man.

Lot of comedy tonight ! Boston Comedy Club !

Hey, we got Dave Chappelle tonight, man. Dave Chappelle.

Know you like Da Half Baked ?

Yes, you love it. Hey, cool. Hey, D...

Live comedy tonight ! Boston Comedy...

- What's up, man ? - What ?

I'm havin' a problem.

Somebody from the Greenwich Comedy Club came over,

and they're trying to shake me from my corner.

- He shook you from your corner ? - Yes.

Why the fuck are you talkin' like you in The Wire ?

- I haven't seen The Wire. - What ?

There's no good way to tell people you haven't seen The Wire.

Look, this guy's on my corner.

I'm just asking you how do I handle that ?

Listen, man. I don't know what to tell you, alright ?

- You don't get five, you don't get on. - What would you do ?

I would tell the guy get the fuck off my corner.

- You think that would work ? - It's not workin' now !

Okay. I will leave because I'm a reasonab... I'm sorry.

- Be reasonable and leave ! - I'm being...

- Go ! - Thank you.

Great live comedy.

Comedy ? No ?

Great live comedy.

Hey, ladies. Great live comedy tonight ?

- Just a couple blocks away. - Excuse me.

Congratulations.

Hey ! Great live comedy tonight.

It's just three blocks this way to the right, one block up on your left.

Uh, we are looking for the Blue Note.

We got a great live comedy show, though. You guys would love it.

- Stand-up comedy. - No, no comedy. Uh, Jaejeu.

Yeah, jazz.

There you go.

Guy's weird. I like that.

Uh, yeah, the Blue Note's on Third.

You're just gonna go up there, bang a right. You'll run into it, actually.

- Thank you so much. - You're welcome. Enjoy.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Pull 'em in. Yeah.

Yeah, alright. Yeah.

Great live comedy ? I also do jazz sounds.

We got a great live comedy show, sir. Flick.

No, thank you.

Hey, guys. Great live comedy ? We got a great live comedy show.

Two for one. You guys like Jerry Seinfeld ?

I'll see y'all next time. Alright, man.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was business, and I'm not a narc.

I'm sure that's what narcs say, "I'm not a narc."

They're not gonna say, "I'm a narc."

That would be a really bad strategy for a narc.

I'm really sorry. Do you have any interest in a comedy show ?

How much they pay you to pass those fliers out ?

Oh, yeah. No, I don't get paid.

I hand these out, and if five people pay to come in,

then I get to perform.

Well, how much do they pay you to perform ?

They don't pay me to perform.

It's... The whole thing is kind of gratis, you know ?

Fuck.

Yeah. Uh, it's alright.

I know this is weird, but could I ask you some advice ?

Yeah.

If somebody like... This is your turf, right ?

And if somebody stole your turf, how would you get it back ?

I mean, I don't know. To be honest with you, I don't really have a turf.

I just kinda walk around with a look on my face

that says, "I have weed."

- Weed face. - Yeah.

I mean, someone's up in your shit ?

Yeah, you know, I don't know what to do. I mean, what you do ?

If you went to the bathroom and came back

and there was another guy here...

I just handle my business.

Okay, but like how specifically would you handle your business ?

I'd get mine. Set it off. Be a man. Man up. You know, represent, man.

Like represent an attitude ?

You gotta flip the switch, man. You gotta light it up.

Sorry, a lot of these sound like lyrics from the album Willennium.

I need like real, like life application, like steps.

Look, man. Just be loud and opposin'. You're a giant, man. You're a tall dude.

I've never been in a fight in my life. This is very soft.

I'm like a Tempur-Pedic mattress going at it.

Trust me. Nobody really wants to fight.

I mean, people talk tough shit, but, you know, everyone's a coward.

- Yeah. Do you want to come ? - I'm good. I think I'm good.

Do you know anybody that might want to come to a comedy show ?

I mean, I guess I could ask the dudes in my dorm.

You go to NYU ?

Yeah, I'm a sophomore. I study symbiotics.

- Yeah, alright. - Yeah.

Thank you. Good luck with your weed and your studies.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

Greenwich Comedy Club. Check it out.

Wanna see a show tonight ? Greenwich Village Comedy Club. Great show.

Hey, we got a great live comedy show, the best comedy club in town.

- What the fuck are you doin' ? - Handling my business.

- We got a great live comedy show. - Check it out.

- We got the best... - We got all the best comics.

- Louis CK is at Comedy club. - You like comedy ?

- Ray Romano at the Boston... - You like Eddie Murphy ?

- Eddie Murphy is... - We got Kevin Hart !

- We got Jerry Seinfeld... - 2 for 1 if you wanna see Chris Rock !

- The Boston Comedy Club. - Jerry Seinfeld !

- Jerry Seinfeld ! - Jerry Seinfeld !

- We got Jerry Seinfeld ! - Jerry Seinfeld !

Alright, listen to me, asshole. Just walk off the corner, okay ?

I was thinkin' about it.

I'm not gonna walk off the block, 'cause what are you gonna do ?

What is that, a laser pointer ? You gonna give me a Ted Talk ?

That's and ASP, bitch. Active Self-Protection.

- What, your mom get that for you ? - Yeah.

- You crazy ? - Yeah, I am crazy !

Geez, cut it out.

- What do you think of that ? - That really hurts !

- Get away from me ! - Oh, you're in trouble now.

What the fuck ?!

Oh my God.

- You got a fucking problem ?! - No.

- I don't think... - I'm so sorry.

- You broke my fuckin'window ! - Run !

This wasn't about you. I'm so sorry. He stole my corner.

I gotta get five people or I don't get to go on stage.

- I don't give a fuck ! - I think we can talk !

Goddamn it !

- Come on, man ! - Son of a bitch !

- I'm sorry ! - I've got your ass, motherfucker !

Oh, my leg ! My fuckin' leg !

- I'm so sorry, man ! - Oh, man !

- You came out of nowhere. - My leg !

Yeah, hello. We need an ambulance here on Third and Thomson !

Man got hit by a car !

- Call nine-one-one ! - Yeah ! I'm doin' it now !

Yeah, we need a ambulance now ! Yes ! Third and Thompson !

- Need a stretcher ! - Stop moving, bro.

Yo, ambulance is comin'.

You are drunk. You obviously are drunk.

Got a great live comedy show.

- Jerry Seinfeld ? Chris Rock. - You're a piece of shit, dude.

- Yeah, fuckin' drive ! - You're drunk.

Great comedy show.

- It's great. Jerry Seinfeld. - Fuck me !

What's going on ? Are we done ?

- No, Hannibal's going up at the Boston. - Seriously ?

- Yeah. - Oh my God.

What an epic. I'll know when I get there.

Hey, man. This place is beautiful. Congratulations. How much did it cost ?

Come on, man. I don't want to talk about money right now.

Alright, cool. I'll be back in ten seconds.

- Nobody tells me ? - Shut up. Come in.

I've been dabblin' with Cialis.

Y'all know Cialis is a... I don't feel ashamed.

One of my friends gave me one, and I tried it out. I like this.

I like what this is doin' for me. It's great. It's amazin'.

And I don't tell the girls I'm on Cialis.

I just dick 'em down and act like that's how I always do it.

It's great. Pow ! Pow ! "Wow ! You're a machine !"

I only know about Viagra, not from friends, but just through jokes.

- Fuckin' believe this ? - I know. This is incredible.

No, dipshit. I can't believe you're not on your fuckin' corner right now.

Why are you in here,

as opposed to being out there tellin' people to come in here.

Hannibal Buress is on stage.

I know Hannibal Buress is on the fuckin' stage,

and if you told your fuckin' people on the sidewalk

that Hannibal was on stage, maybe they would come in here.

Those guys get to watch. Why do they get to watch ?

They all brought in five people. You brought in two people.

I could drop a sandwich board in the middle of the sidewalk

and get more than two people in this place, and I...

Hey ! Hey ! Hey ! Hey ! Hey ! Anaya brought in thirteen people.

Well, that's more than enough. Can I have some of hers ?

- Come on, let's go. - If we already have the number...

Cialis will make you fuck her good, but not enough for her to fall in love.

You like Hannibal Buress ? I love him.

Hannibal Buress, one of my personal favorite comedians,

is on stage at the terrible Boston Comedy Club right now.

- You want to see Hannibal Buress ? - Oh my God, Hannibal's on ?

Yeah, right. These guys are always full of shit.

No, he's really there. Two for one.

- Hannibal Buress at the Boston... - Hey.

- Marina. - Yeah.

- How's it goin' ? - Pretty good.

You were really great on Conan, by the way.

Aw, you know what ? I really appreciate that.

Are you alright ? 'Cause, you know, I saw Jason back there.

He was kinda rough on you. He was bein' a dick.

You know, it's fine.

I'm kinda feelin' degraded, and it's kinda crushing my soul, hey.

Feel a little bit like a prostitute. Kinda sucks.

Well, you know, prostitutes get paid.

- You're right. So it's worse. - I don't think so.

I'm like a free prostitute. I'm just a...

I'm just a loose woman at the office party.

It's alright, man. Hang in there, 'cause we've all been here.

- I've been here. I used to do this. - Seriously ?

Seriously. I used to bark at the Broadway Comedy Club.

If there's anything worse than the Boston, it's the Broadway.

Well, that makes me feel better.

But, you know, this is the game. This is what it is.

Like, you know, if it sucks, that's when you know you're doin' it right.

In five years, they're gonna be begging for it. Okay ?

- So you're good. - Alright.

- Thanks so much. - Yeah, right.

Hey, Hannibal Buress is on stage right now.

That's a great show. I got two for one for Hannibal Buress.

So, did I get my five ?

You barely squeaked by.

Couldn't get more than three people with Hannibal Buress ?

Okay, that's the problem with lying, Jason.

Nobody believed me when I said he was here.

It's like the boy who cried Seinfeld out there.

- What ? Where'd everybody go ? - They left with Hannibal.

This is what happens when we run a deceitful operation.

We're out there lying. They come in.

They smell the nonsense, they leave once the hot stuff's gone

and now there's nothing left for the little guy.

- This is flier, not a liar, okay ? - Save it for stage, Pete.

It's not good enough for the stage.

It's good enough for you. Do you want to go on stage, Pete ?

- Yes, I'm sorry. - Go inside, Pete.

Have you heard anybody doing premise where their cum tastes like vanilla.

- No. - Okay, good.

So the chick says, "I think I love you, but your cum tastes like vanilla.

- That's funny. - I don't think he's making sense.

I was watching a basketball game. Twelve thousand people in the stands.

Most of them were white. I mean, somebody's gotta be racist.

It's gotta tear you up inside bein' a racist cat basketball fan.

You're up there thinkin', "I hate black people, except for these five guys.

Go defense."

Good night, everybody.

Yeah, clap it up ! Jason Webber, everybody !

Nicely done, Jason. Come on ! There it is.

Any tourists in the crowd ?

Alright, what do you say we keep this moving right along.

A very funny dude is comin' up right now.

Put your hands together for Pete Holmes, everybody !

Clap it up for him.

You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you ?

I never know what to tip those guys.

I feel like cops in shorts uh, should be allowed to arrest children.

Put on a long pant if you want to take down uh, a man, is what I'm sayin'.

My jazz fans.

Hey ! Hey, alright. You saw jazz. Now you see stand-up comedy.

These are our two major American exports.

Yeah. If you see a serial killer later, you'll have seen all three.

I played baseball when I was a kid, you know.

It's awkward, 'cause I was the pudgy awkward kid.

Or, in Little League terms, I was the catcher.

It's the only position where you get to sit the whole game,

so I was like, "Tell me more."

It's really fun when you're the catcher,

except you're the only kid on the team that has to wear a jock strap.

Which is awkward when you're a child,

'cause they don't really come in your size.

You just have to get the smallest adult size, which is gigantic.

It's like getting a three car garage to protect my tricycle, you know I mean ?

Remember trying it on me, like "I don't think this is gonna work."

"Maybe I should get the top half of a pistachio shell."

"And a rubber band."

I used a vending machine earlier this week.

No only did it give me my snack, it gave me all my money back.

Yeah, so I was like, "I guess we're dating now."

Yeah, "Like you just fulfilled all my needs."

"And you're not too bad on the eyes, either."

Little something for everyone.

I had a roommate in college who was gutter punk.

You guys know what punks are ?

Punks ? Yeah, yeah, with the hair, you know ?

Yeah, they look like a fancy bird that no one loved.

A gutter punk is a punk without any sort of class or dignity.

It lives in the street, but somehow has nine dogs.

No money, but nine dogs.

- Y'all watch porn at work ? - Yeah ! Yeah !

Oh, this section. Okay.

I like porn. Sometimes I watch porn. I like to turn it up real loud,

so my neighbors think it's me fuckin' next-door.

They get so confused. "Oh my God...Oh, shit, he's amazin'.

Can he play saxophone, too ?" Like you know what I mean ?

Hey, y'all like a Korean deaf jam audience. This is good.

- That is funny. - Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Good night.

Pete. You know, you're not unfunny.

- I made a couple of notes. - Yeah, sure.

I used to do a little coaching on the side.

Don't take the mic off the stand for the first three years.

You're not ready for that.

Focus on the words, then you'll work on the physicality.

Think you should use more old videogame shirts, Atari, Nintendo.

Helps you connect with the kinds of people

that would be interested in buying something of yours.

Also, the weight. You gotta lose ten or gain fifty.

You're somewhere in the middle. Are you skinny ? Are you fat ?

- We don't know. - I...

Good job pullin' in that crowd tonight.

Thanks, Jason. I mean, what was that ?

Thirty, twenty people maybe ? I mean...

- Nah. Only had one flier, though. - Yeah, but you...

I'm kiddin'. Come back tomorrow night I'll put you on even earlier.

- Seriously ? - Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'll be here. Thanks, man.

- Have a good night. - You, too.

And keep up the energy up front, you know, in your act, when you come out.

- Wink, smile. - Yeah, sure.

Any birthdays in the crowd ? People love that stuff.

- Right ? - Yeah, that was good.

- That was dope. - It was fine.

- That was nice. - Shut up, man.

It was fine. It was just a bunch of Korean tourists.

You know, they were laughing because we were pausing,

and they were just happy that they weren't in their home country anymore,

because they normally watch shows at gunpoint.

- How do you know this ? - They were not from North Korea.

- That's the top one, by the way. - I know there's two.

- You do ? - Do you ?

One is ours and one is theirs.

Right ? It's... Whatever. I know I did better than Hannibal.

- Yo, are you fuckin' kidding me ? - No. I did great.

You literally did four minutes of filler and set-up.

Hannibal so good, he can make your shit funny. That's all I'm sayin'.

Hey, it's just a rhythm thing. He was just doing rhythm.

- He's a genius, man ! He's a genius. - Your rhythm is yellin through a beard.

- Whatever. - He just says things funny.

Whatever, Porter. I have a one a.m. spot to go work on my rhythm.

- Can I come ? - Oh, please don't say that.

- That was very creepy. - Very creepy, that was uncomfortable.

- You just joined. You just walk. - Didn't mean it.

- Just exist, man. - I'm being polite.

- I wanna make a connection with you. - That's really gross.

Yeah, it was very like just slimy, like, "Can I, can I join."

You sound like the boy from Secret Garden.

What neighborhood do you guys live in ?

Okay. You know that that was creepier than the last thing you said.

Yeah, you know what that sounded like.

- Ask me where I live. - No.

- Sure it's under a bridge somewhere. - Kind of.

End of episode 4