Original subtitles

COMEDY

Ladies and gentlemen, T.J. Miller.

What's up, man ?

What's goin' on ?

How we all doin' tonight ?

You know, I have a prescription for marijuana.

It's for anxiety, probably anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.

What is that ? Sounds like fake toy microphone.

Here's somebody right here. Let's give it up for this guy.

Let's give him a hand.

I said a hand.

I said a hand.

Are you okay, man ?

CRASHING Episode 2

Thank you, Jennifer.

I hope you're doing great, because you deserve to be doing great.

- You're a great person. - Thank you.

- Can I ? Is it too much ? - Okay.

Yeah !

Got you another one.

- I didn't want the first one. - Yeah.

- Because it's morning time. - Yeah. It's eleven a.m. somewhere.

Yeah, here.

No. How many days have you been out on the road ?

That was my first road gig, Actually ever.

I've never performed outside of the city before.

- Really ? - Yeah.

Oh God, that was the tail end of it for me.

What do you mean ?

I've done twenty-four cities in four weeks. You can imagine that ?

Twenty-four hour-long sets.

That's a full day of comedy that I've been doing on the road.

- That's crazy. - Well, it really fries you.

That's the thing, is that when you're open micing,

it's like a party, comedy every single night.

You're meeting the people that you want to hang out with every week.

Those are your friends.

Then, as you become more successful, you start having to do all of it alone.

When I bomb, there's no like shots afterwards with all your friends.

- It's very lonely. - So why do you do it ? I mean...

- 'Cause we have to, man. - For money ?

No. We do it because comedy's kind of a new religion.

You're traveling. You're preaching to people

this ideology of seeing everything with a smile, you know ?

People need it.

You think touring comedians are like preachers ?

Yeah, exactly. Except we're better than priests because we're not lying.

Hello.

- Hey. Uh, it's me. - Peter ?

Where have you been ? I've been trying to reach you.

Oh, I... Yeah, I've been trying to reach you. I lost my phone.

Are you okay ?

No. Yeah. Um, things are the same.

- So what's up ? - I have a favor to ask.

I was wondering if you could come over here and get some of your stuff.

You want me to get my stuff ? Of course.

I'm sorry, but this is happening. You know, I'm moving to Tampa.

I can't take all this stuff with me, and I can't stay here.

Oh, well, I'm sorry our house is tainted with memories of our love.

- That must be really hard for you. - Pete, it is hard for me.

So if you could just come by tomorrow morning, that would be great.

What ? Why ?

- I'm having a yard sale. - What ?

I can't believe you would even think about doing that without talking to me.

That's my stuff.

I've been trying to reach you, but you never answer your phone.

Well, I don't have a phone because I got mugged. Okay ?

- That's where you sent me. - What are you talking about ?

- I got stabbed, Jess. - Are you okay ?

What do you care ? What are you selling the couch for ?

I don't know, like one fifty.

One fifty ? A hundred and... Are you shitting me ?

Jess, that's not CB-two. That's Crate and Barrel.

That's CB-one, okay ? It came assembled.

Well, I don't want it, Pete. I'm sorry.

You're sorry ? That's my stuff ! You can't just sell my stuff !

Don't touch my shit !

Jesus.

Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace,

and come Christmas gave it to somebody else.

I'm am so alone, a classic fool.

Yes, but you also made a fool out of me.

You've made the life I lead foolish, too.

Darling !

Darling ! Oh, you were wonderful.

Hey, good morning, little fella.

Get on up here ! Come on, you little coot !

What time is it ? You'd think I'd know, right ?

Clock gag. All wrong.

Yeah, sort of. I think what's actually wrong

is that human beings arbitrarily decided on this system of time.

It's just a way for us to make sense of this meaningless world.

A nihilist would say that once we discard that meaning,

we can make our own meaning, and then we become gods,

masters of our own time.

The concept is vaguely Native American.

- Is this for me ? - Yeah.

- You made this ? - I even cut the toast.

Do you know the real time, though, by any chance ?

Yeah, the clown clock is correct. It's a little after nine.

- I gotta get goin'. - What ?

I'm goin' upstate.

Just had... my wife, my ex-wife, she's having a yard sale.

- She's selling my stuff. - Your ex-wife is selling...

- My stuff. - Your stuff ?

Yeah. I gotta get up there so I can kinda create a me pile,

the stuff that I'm gonna claim as my own

and will continue into this chapter of my life,

while she moves to Tampa with her lover.

- You want any help with that ? - What do you mean ?

Do you want me to come up there with you ?

You want to come upstate with me ?

Yeah, sure. I'm not gonna let you do it alone.

I mean, Jesus, that is so sad, the idea, the picture of you loading

the belongings that your cheating wife didn't sell, into your car.

That's some Tennessee Williams shit, buddy. I gotta witness hat.

This is the life, man.

Green grass, picket fences, birds that aren't pigeons. I mean...

You like this ?

I can see a world up here. You know, you have a family, kids.

I'm doing too much comedy.

I need to go to like the Four Seasons for a month, you know,

like rehab, but you can drink ?

I have the opposite problem.

My calendar's so empty, I open it up and Siri asks me if I'm okay.

I am doing a show tonight, actually, which is good,

'cause I'm gonna need to get outa here.

I'm doing a set at the Grisly Pear, so look out.

- What's that shit ? - You know, it's a mic.

But, you know, as far as open mics go, it's cheaper.

You know, some of 'em make you buy two drinks,

which is about like fourteen bucks,

but this is a two item open mic, so you can save a little bread

because I get double pretzels, which is only like seven fifty.

- Pete, I'm sorry your wife left you. - Thanks.

Don't worry, I got your back. I'll say some pretty shitty things to her.

Please don't do that. Don't talk to my wife, please.

Nah, definitely gonna say some shit to her.

- Pete, what are you doing here ? - Hi, Jess.

What do you mean ? You told me to come up. You're selling my...

- You're selling everything. - I told you to come in the morning.

Well, I couldn't come in the morning. I'm sorry I couldn't drop everything.

- This is very last minute. - Ski poles ?! Shut the fuck up.

- What are you doing with T.J. Miller ? - We're friends now.

Are you kidding me ? What, you're selling my Super Nintendo ?

I found it in the attic. It's old.

This isn't old. This is an antique.

Okay, Pete, it's worthless, okay ? I Googled it.

You can't get anything for that, so who cares ?

- With games ? - Yeah, no one wants this.

With Return of the Jedi ?

With a Super Nintendo, that's double kitsch.

If I walked around Williamsburg with this under my arm, I'd be accosted.

- Hi sweeties. - Hi.

- Hello, Mrs. Potts. How are you ? - Hi, how are you ?

- Oh, we're good. - Yeah, are you two moving ?

No. No, no, no. Uh, we're clearing out some clutter.

- Will you do five for the candles ? - Yes, thank you.

Hold on. I'm sorry. These are from Carlsbad Caverns.

So they're not just regular candles.

They're actually souvenirs of memories and a time that we shared,

so they're actually pretty important to me.

We had a horrible time there, so...

One of us had a great time. One of us said she had low blood sugar,

and one of us said, "You should go to the snack shop."

- Well, you know... - They've been lit, see ?

Proof of concept. They work, They illuminate, they smell great.

Fifteen, sorry.

How much for the dog ?

Oh, um, yeah. She's not for sale.

This is a yard sale. That dog's in the yard, so I'll ask you once more.

How much for the dog ?

I'll give you twelve hundred cash.

All Things Grow With Love ?

You're selling All Things Grow With Love ?

- What do you want me to say, Pete ? - It's from our honeymoon.

I know, I'm sorry, but it's like we have to part with the stuff.

It's a fresh start.

I stole this from Cape May 'cause you wanted it.

Well, do you want to keep that ?

No. Fine, give it away. Sell it.

Seriously ?

Brought chairs, you guys. Case you want to take a load off.

What is he doing here ?

I didn't think I'd see you here, brother.

Highly evolved. Good job, Pete.

You're still holding on to a lot, Peter.

This is exactly why I told you to come in the morning,

so you wouldn't see each other.

Am I seriously the only one of the three of us that doesn't want to broadcast

to the entire neighborhood of people we know

that you had an affair ?

Mrs. Potts ? She loves us.

We love her, too. The Fraimans, the Scotts.

Everyone's so great. The community's so lovely.

Go tune a mandolin, you fuckin' dickshit.

- Oh my God. - I'm sorry.

It's okay. Let it out, Pete. It's catharsis. Let it out.

Don't tell me to let it out while I'm being mean to you.

Okay.

Is that what you think is missing from your life ?

You made it this far without seeing Scrubs.

Why cave now ? Travel. Make love on the beach.

I don't know if it's oak exactly, but if I can't tell, who's gonna know ?

Just tell people it's oak. It's oak.

I don't think it's oak. I'll do forty.

They're asking seventy-five. It's probably oak.

Let's meet in the middle and say sixty dollars.

- Forty. - Forty ? Wait.

Come here. Come on. Here, you see fine. Come over here.

This is my upstate New York family. You guys seen Big Hero Six ?

What about How to Train Your Dragon ?

Here, take one with mine. Gravity Falls ?

Yogi Bear Three-D ?

Gimme my camera back. I don't wanna take a picture with these kids.

I'm actually selling a lot of stuff. It's good.

Oh, good. I'm glad it's going so swimmingly.

Guess what, guys ? I just sold that dresser for thirty dollars.

- Nice. - What dresser ?

The old gray thing with the scratches and the knobs. I don't think it's oak.

- Our bedroom dresser ? - I emptied it out.

You don't understand. That's where I hid my journals.

Like my private journals. Did you see journals when you cleaned ?

- No. - I taped 'em in the drawer.

- Shit, man ! - I didn't see a journal.

Like composition notebooks. That's like my work.

He drives a blue pickup truck. I helped him load up.

Let's go. If we hurry, we can do it.

We're not gonna catch a man in a truck.

Peter, these are your journals.

These are the songbooks of your heart, okay ?

Let's do this. Let's go find him.

- He smells like kombucha. - Go !

Oh, great. It'll be an adventure with your boyfriend.

- Here's the thirty dollars. - Oh, good.

I love you.

So how are you holdin' up ?

Not great, Leif. I don't know if you can tell

this is difficult to sell everything I ever owned.

I hear you, Pete, but it's just stuff.

Man, you can't tether yourself to possessions.

It's just tethering yourself to the past.

Okay, yeah, I liked being tethered to the past.

That was my home. I liked living up here.

I liked being married. I want to be tethered.

I hear birth pangs, man.

I hear the howling wolf mother giving birth to change.

It scares you. I get it.

You realize this is a pursuit, right ?

It's better just to stop. The gas gauge is wonky.

It'll tell me a half a tank, and then all of a sudden I'm out of gas.

Brother, how's your dream, man ? How's comedy goin' ?

- Leif, what do you care ? - What do you mean ? I care a lot.

I actually looked up some of your clips on YouTube, and I laughed my ass off.

- You've got an incredible talent. - Great.

That's the one thing Jess and I always disagreed on. I think you're hilarious.

Well, sorry if I don't just forgive you for everything,

because you liked a YouTube video of mine.

Yeah, I get it.

Which one did you see ?

The bit, I think, the thing that you did about the doctors that have beards.

- "I don't trust doctors with beards." - Yeah.

- "What are they hiding ?" - Yeah.

You have a beard. I don't trust you.

Yeah ! See ? That's what I'm talking about.

Man, your brain works like that. You have a natural ability.

And your friend T.J.'s really funny too. I hear him on satellite radio.

Yeah, he's funny. He's great. He's amazing.

He's like really intense. He's like pedal to the metal kinda.

Yeah, he's showbiz, man. He's the real thing.

He can't turn it off. He's not like a regular person.

Shit. Yeah, that's heavy.

You know, I know social morays Should dictate that, you know,

I'm nice to you and pretend like I like you, but I don't.

-I think what you did was really shitty. - Excuse me ?

Pete's a good guy and actually a pretty good comedian,

and instead of supporting that

'cause he's working so hard to achieve your guys's dream of a better life,

you fucked somebody else in his bed, who looks like he plays soccer.

Look, I don't know what Pete told you, but I don't think you know anything

about the details about why I did what I did.

I know that he's a comedian, and what we do is noble.

- And you should have supported him. - Comedy is noble ?

You get on stage and tell jokes and make your whole life about you,

and everyone has to give you attention and praise you all the time ?

I'm trying to make people happy. What do you do ?

- I'm a teacher. - Well, see then ? Then there you go !

Your entire profession is bullshit.

The only reason people listen to teachers is because they have to.

- What grade you teach ? - Third.

Yeah. There's a lot of kids if you teach third grade

that are never going to remember you, they'll never remember your name.

What was your third grade teacher's name ?

- Mrs. Galendar. - Oh. Fuck.

Can you not...

Hey, drive with your hands. What happened to ten and two ?

- Drive with your hands ! - I am.

- Shit, dude ! Check it out ! - Pull over, pull over, pull over !

Sir ! Hi ! Hi !

- Hello, elder. - Can I help you ?

Sorry. I think you were just at my yard sale.

I sold you this chest of drawers and, unbeknownst to me...

He didn't know there's a couple journals inside of there that weren't for sale.

Thank you so much.

- There's journals in here ? - Yeah.

- Well... Maybe I'll read 'em. - Yeah.

No, it was a mistake. We weren't trying to sell...

No, all sales are final. It's like the Antiques Road Show.

People are always finding Civil War letters in desks and bureaus and such.

Could be worth a lot of money. Maybe I'll sell 'em.

You couldn't put my journals up at Christie's.

They're valueless, except to me. They're just joke ideas.

They're musings, little short essays.

- Oh, you're a comic ? - I'm a comedian, yeah.

- Are you funny ? - Very funny.

Hey, yeah. I have fans, yeah.

- Like Jackie Leonard ? - Jackie Leonard ?

Jackie Leonard. Hilarious.

- You don't know funny. - I...

- You don't know funny. - Well, see, that's the...

If you don't know who Jackie Leonard is, you don't know funny.

Listen, can I please have my journals back.

No, I'm sorry. They're mine now.

What are you gonna do with them ?

Are you gonna have an open mic at the home ?

Are you trying to take advantage of me 'cause I'm old ?

I'm not trying to sell you a time share. I'm trying to get what's mine back.

- Well, they're mine ! - Are you fucking kidding me ?

What you need to understand is that comedians are the new philosophers.

You think you're a philosopher ?

Did Socrates ever talk about his nut sweat ?

Did Plato ever talk about jerking off into a trash can ?

I've had fans write me letters about how my podcasts saved their life

after they split up with their wife, so hopefully,

something that I do will make someone like Pete,

who got totally fucked over by you,

be able to make it through their day for the next six months,

instead of giving up on life entirely.

- These yours, amigo ? - What ? Oh my God, what did you do ?

- Love wins, man. Love always wins. - Oh my God, thank you.

Yeah. And I gave him two hundred bucks.

- What ? - I'm kinda regretting it.

No. Thank you, man ! This is good shit.

Listen to this. "A reality show called Fakin' It,

where you have to pretend to be a masseuse,

and, if at the end, they can tell you were not a masseuse, you lose."

It was too much.

Had it for long time, but I feel it's still in good condition.

Plus that's... So I wouldn't worry about it.

Hold on. Jess.

Sorry. Excuse me, Miss. Uh, this one's not for sale, sorry.

Jess, this is my mom's table from college. She's had it for decades.

- She gave it to us. - That is fucked up, Missy.

I told you to tell me what you wanted,

and you didn't come and do that, so what do you want ?

I couldn't set this aside because I was already out

looking for something else you sold that I didn't approve.

I didn't approve this.

- What will you do with this table ? - What does that supposed to mean ?

Where are you gonna put it ? You're homeless.

Okay. You know what, fuck it. Fifty-fifty, right ?

- Isn't that what divorce is ? - Yeah.

- This'll be mine. - What are you doing ?

- This is mine ! Alright ? - Pete, stop.

This is yours. I never liked that shit.

- Pete. - Wicker.

This is mine ! This love seat's mine.

- T.J., can you help me ? - Gladly.

I don't want any more mistakes. This is my shit.

You have nowhere to put it, Pete. Stop it. Come inside and talk to me.

I don't want to talk to you. In fact...

Put it down. I don't want this. I would rather set this shit on fire

before I let you continue to disrespect our life !

- Yeah ! That's exactly right ! - Or he could buy all of this stuff.

We'll set it up across the street at the Sullivans,

and you watch me have a yard sale that breaks your heart !

Will you come inside and talk to me ? Now !

I don't want any of this shit.

You want a hand, bro ? Here.

Big fan.

- Is this Leif ? - You know who I am, too ?

- Can you try to be reasonable, please. - Jess, I am being reasonable, okay ?

This is just a lot. And you're doing it so easily.

- It's not easy ! - Doesn't this bother you ?!

Of course it bothers me, Peter. This is so hard for me.

This was your idea, so you could go to Florida with some pocket money !

I'm not using it to go Florida. We're doing it for you, Pete.

What ?

We're giving you the money. I don't want you to have nothing.

I'm... I feel bad enough as it is.

Shit, man.

That's the second nice thing you guys have done for me today.

This is really a mind fuck, you understand ?

What happened ?

Leif gave the guy two hundred dollars to get these back.

- Two hundred dollars ? Geez. - It was really nice of him.

- Well, he's a nice guy. - Alright, let's not go nuts.

There's some good stuff in here.

Like this is when we went to that place,

the fancy restaurant with the huge wine cellar.

I didn't know any wine, so I got Beringer White Zinfandel.

We had to present it and taste it and it's like a four dollar bottle of wine.

Yeah.

These are good memories. This is was our life.

March, twenty twelve. Remember, I thought I was pregnant ?

Yeah. That was a really... That was a hard week.

- It's two lines. - What ?

Two lines about me maybe having a baby,

and then the next three pages are about

how great Doug Stanhopew as on Louie.

Okay, look. It's not... These are mine. These are private journals.

I didn't want anyone else to read them. Okay...

- I know. - It was just for me.

- You love comedy. - No, I cared...

- It's your big love. - Jess, you're my big love.

Now, Pete, you have your thing.

I need my thing, and my thing can't just be supporting your thing.

Anybody that does something extraordinary

has someone in the shadows taking it on the chin.

We're just taking shifts.

Pete, if I'd be able to support you more if I were really in love with you.

Like if Leif wanted to do comedy, I would support him.

When you're really in love with somebody, you'll do anything for them.

I'm sorry. It sounds horrible.

Well...

That's really shitty, but okay.

Look. If I told you we could get back together,

but you can't do comedy anymore, would you do that ?

- No. - No...

- Yeah ! This is for the comedy gods ! - Holy shit !

This is what it looks like when a man moves on ! Moving on, yeah !

- T.J. ! - Oh my God !

- I got it, guys ! I got it ! I got it ! - Hey, no ! Hey, no, he doesn't !

All hail the comedy god !

These are the ashes from which you'll rise as the phoenix of comedy. See ?

Pete ! You're movin' on ! Yeah !

You're free, Pete ! Yeah !

You know I did that for you, man.

Did you a solid.

That's one way to handle it. That was a big swing.

What a grand ending to your guys's union.

And also, Super Nintendo.

You that play when we get home tonight ?

No. No, I don't.

Alright. Good to see ya.

So, men, don't worry. I'm a comedian.

I know it looks like I should be selling meth at a gay rodeo, but...

Yeah, this is my look.

You ever wear somethin' once, and it gets you laid

and you just keep wearin' it ?

That's kind of how this happened. Laid at a Brad Paisley concert.

- You're next. - Okay.

And you can do five, but I want you to like treat it like you're doin' four.

You're just a little rushed.

You think when I do five minutes I feel rushed ?

Yeah, well, I see you trying to do five,

but people don't want to see you trying to do five.

So just treat it like a four, and then I'll give you five.

What's up, man ?

T.J., what... What is goin' on ? What are you doin' here ?

You said that this is a good show. Hey, I'm T.J.

But you said that you wanted to take a break.

You want to go up ?

Welcome to the Grisly Pear, right ? Is it Grisley Pear or Gristly ?

Do pears have animal fat in them ? They do here ! At the Gristly Pear !

Now I have to follow this guy ?

He's gonna make you a better comic. I'm grooming you.

I have a prescription for marijuana. It's for anxiety.

Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.

I need a break. You know, when I'm not workin', I'm workin'.

When I'm not working, I'm twerking.

ALL THINGS GROW WITH LOVE

End of episode 3