Original subtitles

But of course.

CRASHING Episode 2

Thirty-one twenty-five.

Oh, yeah. This is embarrassing. I just realized I don't have my wallet.

I was mugged last night.

Sorry. You may have all of this for free.

Why don't you take a chips and a soda while you're at it ?

I really kinda customized the plate,

like chicken wing feel in rice, and that came with it.

It's all personalized. I don't think you can just put it back. I mean...

Yeah, we can.

Hey, Tommy ! We have a put-back. With sauce.

- Oh God ! - What the fuck, man ?!

- Gee, I'm sorry. - Why don't you buzz ?

- There's a buzz ? - There's a buzz.

This is an apartment building in New York.

You don't knock. Nobody knocks.

Iý I'm sorry, Artie.

It's a two key system. I didn't know.

What are you doin' up so early anyway ?

What do you mean ? It's afternoon. I mean uh, we slept in.

You see cigarettes around here anywhere ?

Cigarettes everywhere.

So what's your plan ?

Well, if it's okay, I was just gonna camp out on the couch,

maybe watch a sad movie.

I understand.

Sometimes when I'm sad, I like to watch sad movies.

You know, seeing somebody else cry kinda helps me get a good cry goin'.

Well, that's a good idea. That's a great idea.

I think you should just sit here. Let me know if you need help cryin' later.

I'll be happy to help you out.

- Are you a man or what ? Be a man ! - What ?

Forget about your wife left you. Oh, big deal.

Suppress those feelings. That's what a man does.

Keep 'em down. Keep 'em deep down.

So distract yourself. That's what men do.

You gotta make money. You can't have emotions and make money.

Just keep a blank stare on your face, do as you're told.

Then one day, you have a heart attack. If you're lucky, you go clean.

Go clean ?

Here's what I gotta do. I goin' to Albany.

I got a gig. It's a benefit, but I get paid.

- You're saying you want me to leave ? - No, what I'm saying is I need a ride.

I can either pay somebody, or you could drive me to Albany for free,

and when we get up there, you do a few minutes up front on stage.

- You want me to open for you ? - No, I want your car to open for me.

I need a ride to Albany is what I'm tellin' ya.

How much time do you want me do ?

How long does it take to say, "Here's Artie ?"

- Got any CDs in this piece of shit ? - Yeah, whatever you want. We gotý

Oh, here we go. Got your little CD book.

Yeah, nice little selection.

- Ah, Paula Poundstone. - She's funny.

- What's Jars of Clay ? - That's music. It's a rock band.

Oh, yeah ? What do they sing ?

It's Christian rock. That's probably why you haven'tý

- Come on. - I can't wait.

Artie, Jars of Clay, people make fun, but they rock, man. They rock.

- It's music with a message. - What's the message ? Kill yourself ?

Check it out.

Alright, just stop ! Come on, man, alright ? I wannaý

Yeah, I'm gonna tuck and roll out of the car if you keep that up.

Uh, here.

I'm not keepin' canned goods in my apartment for an earthquake.

If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days,

I'm at least gonna lose weight.

- How depressing is this place, man ? - What are you talking about ?

What am I talkin' about ? Look around ya.

"Help wanted." The sign looks depressed.

I don't know, Artie. It's nice, it's fun.

We're on the road. I'm eating French fries.

I get depressed gettin' up in the morning. I'm a successful comedian.

Imagine gettin' up and you work here ? You gotta put that apron on.

It's a job. It's the service industry. It's a calling.

I'm sorry. It's like an avalanche of the blues.

I don't know if I could do this. I need your help tonight.

- What do you mean ? - I've never been to Albanyý sober.

You were using the last time you were here ?

Let me tell ya. Yeah, yeah.

Wasý I'm bein' dead serious. This is gonna sound odd.

You gotta save my life tonight, alright ? No pressure.

- You gotta keep me from gettin' high. - Okay.

- You think you can do that ? - Yeah, of course.

Alright. Honestly, it's not easy. You gotta intercept drugs.

I can do that. I can intercept.

And it's like we're buyin' drugs either. People give me drugs.

I've never done drugs.

You never done any drugs ? Smoke a little weed ? Nothin' ?

When I was ten, I went through a phase

where I couldn't fall asleep without a Tylenol PM.

Is that phase over ?

- Yeah, I got through it. - Great.

This diner feels like Two Broke Girls.

Two Broke Girls, one cop.

I have this joke about do you think vampires are afraid of lower case t's.

Do you think that'll work in Albany ?

I don't think that would work anywhere.

I can't believe I'm back in this fuckin' shithole.

How depressing. Look this place. I can't take this, man.

- Hey, you guys need anything ? - Let me get a Coke.

- He'll have soda. Coke soda. - Soda.

- In the red can, you know ? - Yeah, okay. Be right back.

- I'm gonna get a Diet Coke, actually. - Alright.

Yeah, that'll work. Want to diet.

It's good to be... Green room.

Excuse me. Sorry. Hi. Um, would you mind taking this ?

I want to make sure there's no booze in the green room.

It's literally my job to make sure there's booze in the green room.

Uh, sure. Um, but Artie is sober,

so I don't want to tempt him with alcohol.

You realize he's not the only one on the bill, right ?

No ! We're co-headlining,

so we should be doing the same amount of time.

You don't do an hour, and I do thirty minutes.

Then I'm just featuring for you. Let's both do 45 minutes.

Do you really want to do an hour for these schmucks ?

- Yeah, I do. - You do. Okay guess what ?

I'm doin' an hour. You do 30 minutes. You're the opener. Get it ?

- No, I'm not the fucking opener. - Yes, you are.

- Thank you very much, Katie. - Sorry.

Artie, if you were in my position,

you would not just do a half an hour and shut up about it.

Um, sorry. I'm Pete. I drove up with Artie. I'm the opener.

Hey, Pete. Hold on one second.

What the fuck, Artie ? You brought a opener ?

I don't think we need to fight. We can just...

I'll go up, I'll just do five minutes. I'll bring T.J. up.

T.J., is there something you want me to say ?

Just say my name and Yogi Bear Three. They know who I am, right ?

- Now, don't touch... - You're Yogi Bear ?

- No, I'm Ranger Jones, okay ? - I know. I'm sorry.

I liked that movie. Justin Timberlake was Boo Boo.

Look, man. We're co-headlining, okay ?

I'm doin' an hour. So it's you, then me, and that's it.

Fuck it. I don't give a shit. You do whatever time you want.

How's it feel, knowing you'll never be as funny as your outfit ?

You should open and close your hour with that.

- I might. - You're making fun of me ?

You look like you work for a homeless person.

- You interning on Skid Row ? - I'm sorry...

What cargo are you carrying in cargo pants ?

- I don't have a style as... - You carryin' nostalgia for the 90's ?

Artie brought an emcee. Bring him up. We gotta start now.

Copy that. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

your first performer of the evening...

- What's his name ? - I don't know.

Here he is !

Hey.

Hey, Albany, how you doin' tonight ?

Let's give it up for ourselves for comin' out.

Can we get this on, please ? Can we get the mic ?

Here we go. Hey ! Hey, alright !

Albany ! Uh, thanks for comin' out, everybody.

And for a great cause. You guys give it up for HaHas for TaTas.

That's what tonight is all about.

I like Albany. It's it's all of the "bany."

It's not some of the "bany." I like that.

I'm not racist, but do you think at very first meeting of the KKK,

anyone there pushed for the correct spelling of "Klan ?"

I like to think there was one guy there,

overalls, no shirt, holding a torch.

It's just drivin' him crazy in the back, just like,

"It's KKC." And then they get him.

There's no way they're not gonna get him for that.

It's a rare person who hates bad spelling and people who are different.

Well, okay. They're not all road tested.

I love Chinese food.

Do you guys ha... You like Chinese food, Albany ?

It can be confusing, though, like crab ring...

Cream of some young guy !

Okay. Well, uh, what do you say we keep this goin' ? I...

We'll bring out your next comedian. You guys excited ?

Your next comedian coming to the stage was in all sorts of things.

Transformers Four. Uh, he was in Yogi Bear.

Please give it up for T.J. Miller, everybody. T.J. Miller !

That's right !

Yeah !

Yeah !

Yeah, yeah.

I know that I look like a maitre d' who was fired earlier on in the day.

That has to finish his shift.

I have a prescription for marijuana.

It's for anxiety, primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.

So let's clear that right up. That's true.

You know, there are a lot of people that describe women

with you know, onomatopoeia.

They'll be like, "Hey, you know, she had tits like bam !"

You know what I mean ? "Ass like bam !"

But my girlfriend, uh, Kate, isn't very attractive.

So I have to be like, "Yeah, she has breasts like meh !"

Yeah, "Ass like wah-wah-wah."

"Ankles like..."

- I'm in green room, right ? - Yeah, oh good.

What did you think ? I mean, it was alright, maybe ?

What did I think ? You ended with, "Well..."

- Artie fuckin' Lange. - Oh, who...

- Dude. - Hey, man. How you doin' ?

You gotta take one of these.

I gotta take a drink with Artie fuckin' Lange.

- Sorry, he doesn't drink, so... - Salud.

- Baba Booey. - Uh, Baba Booey.

- Uh, it's not... - Hey, what the...

What the fuck are you doin' ? Hey, I bought that for him !

You're a good man and a friendly friend.

Thanks for the drink. He's got a show to do.

Sorry.

Now, come on, let's get outa here.

Geez Louise, let's get some chicky fingies.

You know when you're like really drunk and you feel you're gonna throw up ?

You're like, "I bet I can make it to brunch."

I rolled the dice on that. I lost, okay ?

As I begin to vomit into the street, I looked across,

and there was a woman sitting outside drinking a Starbucks.

And I just made eye contact with her as I was vomiting,

and I held eye contact.

That's a real story. I was just like...

She went to work, and she was like,

"Oh my God, I was so ugly today I made a man vomit."

Thank you very much. I'm T.J. Miller, thank you.

That's right. Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

T.J. Miller, everybody ! There you go, T.J. Miller !

- Go with that. - Fuckin' motherfucker.

That was a long one. You guys, you still have some energy in ya ?

Well, that's great, 'cause it my honor to bring up the headliner for this show.

Are you guys ready for your headliner ?

Let's start clappin' right now for the amazing Artie Lange !

My friend, Artie Lange !

We're raisin' money for tits tonight.

I'll do anything for tits, right ? You know ?

I fuckin' love tits, man. I love tits.

Yeah, my whole life is trying to get in shape.

I'm the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine.

Yeah. Uh, well, I have a weird body make-up.

I went to rehab for coke,

and one my counselors was a black guy.

In the middle of group therapy, he said,

"What, are you pourin' that shit on cheeseburgers ?

I thought you did great.

Oh, thanks, man. I thought you did pretty good, too.

You watched ?

Yeah, I mean, I thought it was funny that when things weren't working,

you would just keep smiling, you know ?

You just need to do more sets.

I mean, you need to do at least six or seven sets a week, minimum.

Sometimes you just want to go camping or something.

I don't go camping

unless I'm going there specifically to get material about camping.

If you start working harder, maybe I'll take you out on a couple weekends.

You can open for me. That'd be fun.

- Really ? - Yeah.

I'm actually good, but I'll... cheers.

But I'm not gonna drink. I just chugged a beer.

Pete, part of being an opener is being a good hang, okay ?

It's like you're second job. That's how you get ahead.

So, bottoms up. Here, let's each do a toast.

Comedy, six letters,

but a thousand reasons it makes the human condition easier.

- Cheers. - Now you do one.

Uh, to comedy. Take a look at your life

and then write down some thoughts, memorize them

and then pass them off as something you're saying in the moment

for people who are drinking and paid a cover.

Cheers. You're fuckin' weird.

A guy in Albany got indicted for fucking four of his pets.

True story. Uh, he told the cops he fucked three dogs.

And my hand to God, he said he fucked a parrot.

Let's go through this. We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog.

But a parrot. If you're gonna fuck an animal,

why fuck the one animal that could tell somebody about it ?

You know what ? Dude, working the lights, stop flashin' the light.

The light means I have to get offstage. I'm not gettin' off yet. Got it ?

We just sat through T.J. Miller's four hour fuckin' marathon.

Hey, how are ya ? Did you enjoy yourself ?

-Yes. You were amazing. - Alright.

You ready ? Let's stew it !

I said "Let's stew," not "do." Let's stew it, so...

We should probably make a soup together is what I'm saying.

- Hi. Oh my God, you were so amazing. - Hey.

Can we... can I hug you ? I need a hug.

- Absolutely. - From you. I'm Susie.

I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I mean you're just a...

I'm such a big fan.

You literally made me laugh when I've been on the floor crying and...

- Aw, thanks, doll. I... - I just, I love you. I really do.

That's very nice of you to say.

Yeah. Gee, is it okay if we take a picture maybe ?

- Absolutely, sure. - Yeah ?

- Excuse me. Can you do... - Look alive, Pete. Come on.

- Right ? - Okay.

Get right in there.

- Do you want landscape, portrait ? - Yeah, like whatever.

Whatever takes the longest. Just go.

Oh, that works. That works. That's great.

Thank you.

- Listen. Um, if you want to... - Yeah ?

- I'm partying a little bit later. - Yeah, uh...

- And ah... - I uh, I took a couple each way.

- Oh, thank you so much. Thank... - Good job. You're done now.

Anyway, yeah. I'm gonna wait out there.

- Absolutely. See ya later. - Okay. I'll see you.

Artie.

- Do you have something for me ? - Yeah, a fist.

Let's go. Let's go, let's go. Come on, man.

- Look alive. - High fives in the back.

Yeah. Hey, not you. You just got here, man.

Good boy. You got it. That's the last two.

Good luck with everything, okay ? See you later. Have a safe drive home.

One, two, three.

Shoot it ! Shoot ! Shoot !

Excuse me. Could we settle up ?

- Sorry, what ? - I'd like to pay you.

Uh, yeah. You know, yes, please. I...

Do you have a loan out, or should I make it out to you as an individual ?

- It's a loan ? - Are you incorporated ?

- I'm a human man. - I'll just make it out to you then.

No big deal. I just gotta grab my stuff.

- Okay. Just don't dally. - I won't dally.

- We're gonna have a blast. - Yeah.

- Alright. See you in a bit. - Okay.

Artie. Artie, what are you doin' ?

I don't expect you to understand this, man.

I'm just doin' this, alright ?

No, you asked me to keep you clean. You said it was my second job.

Come on. What are we doin' ?

I exonerate you, okay ? Okay ? I exonerate you, but look, Albany won.

I'm an addict. When an addict makes up their mind to do something, they do it.

- Albany beat us, man. - No, hold on. Albany didn't beat us.

It doesn't have to beat us. We can go home.

We'll be home in three hours. We could get a pizza.

We can get a milkshake. We could go to a nudity booth. Whatever you need.

- I'm sure that three hours will fly by. - Listen to whatever music you want.

Okay, listen to me. As tempting as that sounds, here's the deal.

I'm doin' blow with this broad.

You want to help me, take me to a meeting tomorrow.

- But right now, fuck off. - Artie, come on. You don't...

- Hey, uh, Susie. Hop in. - What ? Where's Artie ?

He doesn't want to come out the front. He'll get mobbed. I'll take you to him.

Um, alright. Okay, yeah.

- Oh, is it okay if I smoke ? - Yeah, who cares ?

- Are you from Albany or... - Rochester.

He should be down any minute.

This hotel looks kinda sad. This is where he's staying ?

I think he's loyal to the brand. He likes this chain.

Has a lotta points with them.

Maybe you could text him.

I don't have his number, and I don't have a phone.

- Artie's not coming. - What ? What's going on ?

- I didn't want to... I had to get you. - Oh, no. My God.

- No, no, no, don't ! - No... I'm trying to help !

Don't touch me !

- No ! - Get away from me !

- No ! - Oh God !

Oh God ! Fuck !

Oh, fuck ! Oh, shit !

No, hold on ! I'm not attacking you !

I just had to keep you away from Artie !

- What ?! - God !

He's sober ! I promised I would help him ! He's my friend !

I couldn't let you corrupt him !

It's a kidnapping ! You've kidnapped me !

No. No. No, no, no.

It's a switcheroo. It was the old switcheroo !

Oh God.

- It's like the devil came in my eyes. - Oh, that's so gross.

He's the devil. He doesn't ask where he can come ?

We have to get a towel. Do you have something ?

I'm sorry, I don't have any wet ones.

I usual keep wet ones in my car, and I just ran out.

Sorry about tonight. I...

I panicked. I don't know what would have happened

if you had gone with him, and I...

Oh my God. What is wrong with me ?

Are you crying ? Or is this pepper spray ?

Tonight was my big night out. Okay ? I mean, it was just...

I got off work, I took my kids to my sister's house.

I got this fucking spray tan.

It's very nice. Very believable.

It's just kind of pathetic. I just...

I'm kind of a loser. I feel like a piece o' shit.

No. No, no, you're clearly a lovely person.

It's just... It was a misunderstanding.

You're hiding me from your friend because you think I'm a bad influence.

You're misreading me. I just... He's an addict.

It has nothing to do with you.

Don't let this ruin your night. It's not that late.

You seem great. We're havin' fun. We're...

Yeah, we're having so much fun.

We were assaulted together by an aerosol contaminant,

and I think that's bonded us.

And, honestly, I would give you a thousand dollars to use your sink.

- Hey. Uh, name a celebrity. - What do you mean ? What ?

Name any celebrity.

- Thank you. - You're welcome. Cheers.

- Cheers. - Any celebrity ?

You name a celebrity, I'll do a three second impression of that person.

Okay, do Mark Walberg.

Hey, how's it goin' ? It's me, Mark.

In Boogie Nights, I had a big old dick. Look at the size of my dick.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Nailed it. - You're funny.

You're so much funnier than that wordplay shit you do.

Wait, have you ever met Howard Stern ?

Uh, no, actually. I just met Artie. I think he feels bad for me.

I'm going through a bit of a divorce.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't...

Oh, thank you.

I'm really glad you're here. I'm glad you came in.

I don't think I could have watched another sunrise alone.

Spicy.

- Divorce sucks. - Tell me about it.

I know. But, you know, you know what they say.

The best way to get over a woman is to get under another one.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Hold on...

- Hold on, please. The.. I'm... - It's really... I'm gonna help you.

You're a lovely woman. And I'm honored to be in your home.

- Hold on, just... Full stop. Full stop. - What's wrong ?

- Please stop touching my balls. - Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm not ready.

What ? What did you come in for ?

You were so sad. I didn't want to leave you on such a low note. I...

Hey, wait. So I'm... Hold on. Wait, so you just came in to hang out ?

I thought we could relax, and I could help you wind down,

and then I would slip out into the night, and you'd go, "Thank you."

"Thank you for that kindness."

I'm sorry. What the fuck are you saying ?

Hold on, hold on. Picture Tom Hanks. This is what he would do.

If Tom Hanks were here, he'd be going down on me by now.

Tom Hanks ?

You just think you just come in here and...

Hold on. I'm trying to be a gentleman.

I don't want sex. I just want to make sure you're okay.

You think you're being a gentleman ? This is not being a gentleman.

A gentleman does not come into a lady's home at 11 o'clock at night,

have a drink and then not fuck her with his gentleman dick !

I'm so sorry. I thought this was the right thing...

What is wrong with you ?! You know what ? This is not happening.

You gotta go. You seriously have to go.

This was big misunderstanding. I thought you would be happy...

I'm not happy ! You made me feel bad ! You're making me feel bad !

- You gotta get the fuck outa here now ! - Okay.

- Get out ! - I'm so sorry.

Thank you. Thank you for the drink.

Oh my God. What is wrong with me ?

Want to do another one ? Yeah ? Okay.

Hey. Is Artie here ? We're... Have you seen Artie ?

Artie's gone, man.

What ? Where did he go ? Where... I need to get Artie.

He got a cab. He said, "Take me home" and he went home.

He's fine. Don't worry about it. Take a shot ! Take a shot of this.

Was he sober ?

Well, I saw him eat cheese fries as if he might have a food addiction,

but, no, he was not partying.

- Here we go. - I can't. I'm driving.

Driving where ?

I drove here. I'm driving back to the city.

Where in the city ?

Well, that's the thing. I don't have anywhere to stay.

If you drive me to Manhattan, you can crash at my place.

Come on. Let's do it.

Forgot to give you this. Don't forget that.

Let's do it !

Pay to the order of Pete Holmes

This worked out perfectly.

End of episode