Original subtitles

You know, gonna give myself the weekend off.

Not gonna grade any papers.

If I were in the third grade and you were my teacher,

I'd just be the happiest kid.

- You would ? - Of course.

- Why ? - 'Cause you're adorable.

Are you kidding me ? I would freak out.

I'd be the weird kid who gets there early every day.

You'd be the only one I'd give up any of my time.

Sorry.

- I have a knife. - Let's fuck on the floor.

- What ? - Fuck me on the floor.

- Right now ? - Yeah.

Sure... I have onion hands, though.

Just... I feel like a doctor.

Nurse, give me fifty cc's of liquid Dawn.

- Let's not do a bit. - Right.

- Let me touch your asshole. - What ?

- Yeah. - No.

Yeah, let me just touch it. It'll be good.

No, it's not a good idea. It's not a good area for me.

- Do you want to touch my asshole ? - What's gotten into you?

I'm trying to dissolve our boundaries and find something different and sexy.

- No, I'll do this. - Peter...

There you go. What ?

- See me. - I'm looking right at you.

- Don't look at me, see me. - I love you, I love you so much.

Just bite my neck. Just do something that feels crazy.

I don't want to bite your neck. You're my best friend.

Just do sometning like, you know, like sixty-nine or something.

I don't like doing two things at once.

It's like playing the banjo while you're riding a bicycle.

It's unnatural. My knees are really shaking.

- Look at that. - Okay.

See ? You should get on top or something.

- Thank you. - I'm so Lithuanian.

CRASHING Episode 1

- Let's stop. That's really... - Oh, no.

- I have to go anyway. - What ? It's only four o'clock.

- Where are you going? - Well, the show.

The show's at seven, but sign-up's at six,

so if I don't leave right now, I might not even get on,

and the whole night'll be a wash.

I thought we were gonna watch stuff together.

Sweetest, it would help me if we could normalize this a little bit.

Some people work during the day, I work at night, like a cop.

It's not really work. You go do shows that don't pay you,

and you have to buy two drinks in order to do 'em.

It's not really work.

Come on, this isn't the West Village.

It's all the big guys. Seinfeld, Romano, Chris Rock.

They perform there ?

They perform in the neighborhood... In the nineties.

Come on, this is hard. I'm up there alone.

I'd like to think you're up there with me, rootin' me on.

- Okay. - This a big one, I promise.

- Okay. - Alright.

- Wish me luck. - Good luck.

- Say "Break a leg". - Break a leg.

You don't say "good luck".

- You just told me to say "good luck". - I'll be back soon.

When I come home, you can touch my asshole.

- Don't make fun of me. - Okay.

I'm alright, man. I'm a Brooklyn kid, you know ?

I'm from old school Brooklyn, alright ? Salt of the earth Brooklyn. Yeah ?

Half the area is Caribbean. The other half is Orthodox Jewish.

That's why I look like Method Man and sound like Jerry Lewis.

Are you guys ready for our next comedian ? Yeah ?

Give him support ! Pete Holmes, guys ! Yeah !

Thanks. Todd Montesi, everybody. Todd Montesi.

I feel like I won an award. Like, you brought me up like I won something.

I think it's weird when you win an award,

you're supposed to point to God if you thank him.

You go, "Thank God," and you point to the sky,

'cause that's where God is.

But we're on a planet. The sky is uhat way as well. Right ?

So I want to win an award, like a Golden Globe,

so I can go up and just be like

"I want to thank my Lord and savior Jesus Christ."

"In your face, Satan."

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store ?

There you are. You think it's "Just take it ?"

- Hey, that was good, right ? - I only caught the end.

- But the end was good, right ? - Seemed like it was pretty good.

So I don't want to be pushing you,

but you said to talk to you maybe about the monthly shows.

There's... Don't you book the Holiday Inn in Connecticut

and the Firehouse.

- Do you have a car ? - Yeah, I have a car. I have a car.

Does it do well on ice ?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't stop. Ice is fine.

- Yeah, maybe. - Okay, can I email you ?

No. But you could give me your email.

It's a little complicated. It's petepeteholmestwentione,

but twenty is spelled with an "i," not a "y", at gmail-dot-com.

- Do you want me to write it down ? - I'll remember it.

There's a pen right here, tough.

This is for the sign-up, so I got it up here. I'll remember it.

I signed up, so if you just wrote "Pete" in front of peteholmes,

you'd have most of it.

This is a historical record. It's not for me to remember stuff.

Thanks, man. Fun show.

Father, we love you today. We thank you

that each one of us will fulfill the destiny that you've laid out.

Lord, I think that if we have wisdom make good choices in life...

- Oh my God. Peter. - Sweetest.

Oh my God, I thought you were gonna be writing jokes at the library

and then seeing that movie at the community center.

Wasn't feelin' it. Thought I'd come home.

Just wanted to grab some sweaty peas.

I didn't even know you were home. What are you doin' ?

This is embarrassing. Um...

I was masturbating, so...

- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

- Don't be embarrassed. - I'm just uncomfortable.

I didn't think you were home. I should have knocked.

- You're sweating, though. - It was a was a good one.

- Good sesh ? - Yeah.

- Go big or go home, right ? - Yeah.

You're a minx. I don't know what a minx is, but...

It doesn't matter. Just give me a second to get dressed.

I will. Let me... I'll be downstairs.

Gonna get some Golden Grahams goin'. Meet me when you're done...

- Okay. - Milady.

- It's pretty sexy. - Thanks.

- That was everywhere. - What are you doing ?

What ?! Who is this ?

Oh, shit. Welcome.

Welcome ?! Why is my hand towel on your dick ?!

Dude, I'm so sorry, Pete. I'm Leif, brother.

And I know that this a terrible situation, believe me,

but I'm so sorry that...

God, stop moving ! That's for hands !

- Totally, totally. - Pick it up !

- What are you doing ? - I'm so sorry.

This is a nightmare, but it doesn't have to be, right ?

I'm talking to my wife ! Okay ? Keep your dick covered and shut up !

I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.

What is going on ?!

I'm sorry ! I just came home one day

and I found a bowl of cereal in the bathtub,

and your socks were on kitchen floor.

So ?! So you have an affair ?!

No, I'm just saying. It's like you need a nanny.

I'm turning into your mom. I don't want to be your mom !

What are you talking about ? We're happy.

Peter, you're happy.

I completely support you while you pursue your dream.

Yes ! Like a wife supports a guy in medical school.

- It's like I'm in medical school. - You're not in medical school.

You tell jokes for free that cost us forty dollars in gas, okay ?

You've been doing this for so long !

Shouldn't your act act be better by now ?!

- Fuck you ! - We don't even have sex anymore.

We had sex yesterday. My knees are still all burnt up.

That didn't count. It was months before that.

How do I even know that this vagrant doesn't have AIDS ?

- He looks like he has AIDS. - He doesn't have AIDS.

Brother, looks are deceiving. I do not have AIDS.

I can assure you of that. I was tested right before my wedding.

- He're married ?! - I know, it's bad.

You are married ?

I'm married, man, and that's something that I have to deal with.

Good, I'm sorry it's hard on you. Sorry to fuck up your day !

Who is this guy ? How did you even meet this guy ?

We work together. He's the art teacher. You've met him before.

He's not even a comedian.

Not everything is about being funny. He's a really talented artist.

Oh, I'm sure he's great. They give all the master artists third grade.

What's your fuckin' medium ? Hand turkeys ? Paste noodles ?

- Just give us a second. - Go in the sewing room.

- It's around the corner. - I know where it is.

- Is that the Parthenon ? - He's Greek.

You're leaving me for a guy that has the fuckin' Parthenon on his back ?

I don't know if I'm leaving you.

I'll make it easy ! I'm fuckin' leaving !

- Fuck you ! - Don't go !

Sorry, fuck you !

God's only limited by what we believe.

So I want you to believe

that you can become all that God's created you to be.

You can overcome any addiction.

You can overcome any disappointment from the...

- Oh, there he is. What's up, kid ? - What's up ?

What, is there an open mic in the neighborhood or somethin' ?

- No, I just wanted hang out. - Check out the show ?

Got a pretty good crowd in there, but a little light on the ladies,

so I'm hangin' out to see if any hot smoosh wanders through.

- Can you sneak me in ? - Yeah, wanna check out the show ?

- Yeah. - Come on.

Chief, this kid's good.

My friend called me up all excited. He's like, "Dan, let's go to Colorado."

I said, "What do you want to go to Colorado for ?"

He said, "Pot is legal there."

I say, "You know what ? I got a better idea.

I'll let you smoke it right here in New York. How about that ?"

"And we'll close the door."

"And I think we just might get away with it.

I'll bet if we close the door

and don't call the police and turn ourselves in..."

She said she was gonna leave me if I didn't marry her, get her a ring.

What I did is I went to a jeweler,

and I got a receipt for an engagement ring

and I put the receipt in a wallet, my wallet, perfectly,

'cause I know this girl, she's a little nosy and she's gonna look.

And I hear her cryin' on the phone to her mom,

"He's gonna do it. He's gonna."

What kind of woman sees one receipt,

and then they just forget about all your stripper texts

and you come home smelling like whiskey and hooker every night ?

You're just like a woman. You're missin' the genius of my plan.

Oh, am I just like a woman ? Explain more to me.

Do you still talk to her ?

What ? Are you serious ? Who the fuck is this guy ?

I don't know. Who is he ?

I was just here, and you guys around me, so I thought...

We sat around you ?

- No, you're hangin' around. - You're stalkin'.

Natterman' s been lit. Greer's not here. I need someone to go on.

- Well, I've been on already. - Sorry, I put him on the list.

- Where's Greer ? - Greer's not here. I need someone.

- Oh, yeah, Pete. Let's put Pete on. - I don't know him.

- Put him on. He's funny. He can do it. - Really ?

- Yeah. - Whatever. Bring him up in two.

- I don't know if I should do that. - You're gettin' stage time.

Yeah, I want to work here, but I'm going through a thing,

and let's do it another time.

No. Let's do it right now.

You can talk about that thing. That's what we do.

No. It's a break-up, it's fresh.

You have a break-up, you go up there and talk about it.

Remember when Tig got cancer ? She talked about it that night.

Now, is your situation worse than that ? Probably, yes.

But this is the art man. This is what you do.

- Come on. Sack up. Get in there. - You think so ?

- Yes, I'm not thinking, I know. - No, we don't.

- I'll record it, just in case. - Yeah, record your set. Yeah.

Why'd you say give us, give it one for the Gipper ?

Never seen his act, not for one second of it.

One way or another, this is going to be fucking hilarious.

You're so evil.

You know what I'm talkin' about, bro. That's your Asian girlfriend, awesome.

You have a hot chick, too. She is not Asian.

And that is a pain that you have to live with every day, dude.

When your dickhead friend's rubbin' it right in your face.

Remember that sweetie, when you want to give this guy some shit one day.

He could have been with an Asian chick. But he settled for you.

Alright, guys. You ready to keep this show movin' ? What do you say?

This next act comin' to the stage, you probably don't know him,

but who gives a shit, 'cause he's funny as fuck,

so what do you say we make some noise right now

for Pete Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes !

Big Jay, everybody. Big Jay.

Good to see ya.

So this is real. This is a raw thing. I want to talk about my wife.

My wife !

Yeah, my wife slept with somebody else today. Today.

I caught her today. Yeah.

Which is weird. A naked woman is normally my favorite thing,

but if you walk in and there's a naked man there,

suddenly your favorite thing is your least favorite thing.

- You know what I mean ? - Oh, God.

It's like I love steak, but if you delivered a stake to me,

and there was eight bites out of the steak,

I'd be like, "Why did we come here ?"

You know what I mean ? This isn't good.

- Oh, boy. - Yeah, oh, boy.

- Go write some jokes. - Thanks.

Where are you from ? Syria ? I thought we didn't let you in.

That's the best you can do ? This is painful. Can't you feel it ?

Hey, man. You bumped me.

- What ? - Yeah, you bumped me.

Took my spot. See, I'm supposed to do Colbert tomorrow night.

If I have a bad set on Colbert tomorrow,

you're gonna be halfway to a ass whuppin'.

I'm sorry. When they said I had to go on,

somebody had to go on 'cause you were late...

No, I wasn't late. I was on time. The show was running early.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, look at you.

You got that same stupid look in your eyes I had twenty years ago.

What'd you want to do before standup ?

I went to school to be a youth pastor.

A youth pastor ? I can see that. That's you. That's good.

Hey, man, look. You could help a lot of people,

cause you ain't helpin' nobody here with that horseshit you just did.

I just had a really hard day.

Seen a lot of people crash and burn

and I want to save you from a crash and a burn.

Quit while you're ahead.

Greer, give the guy a break. He's not gonna fuck you, okay ?

I think he likes women. Hang in there, bro.

Fair. Standup comic.

Welcome to the war, boy. Stay low, keep firing.

- Hey, you got a light ? - Sorry, no.

Wait, I got it, I got it. I just keep it right here, man.

- Hey, Artie Lange. - Yeah, I know.

- Pete. - Nice to meet you.

- I'm a big fan. - Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.

- You alright ? - Yeah, I just, you know...

Like, I saw your set. You gotta... You can't let that get to you, man.

I know you're younger, but we all go through it.

It was a really terrible set. It was really one of the worst sets.

- Extraordinarily bad. - Yeah, I...

Top five worst I've ever seen.

Like my cousin was givin' a best man speech at a wedding once,

and during the speech, he accidentally admitted

that he molested a kid when he was a teenager.

That was less awkward than your set was there.

- I'm fuckin' around. It's a joke. - I know.

- Cheer up. - I know.

- You'll be alright. - It's not just that.

- What ? - You heard what I said, right ?

- About what ? - My wife is having an affair.

- Wait, that was real ? - Yes.

The shit you said on stage was real ? Just now ?

- Yes. - Dude, what are you doin' ?

I thought I could come here, feel better...

Apparently, you were wrong.

Then Greer came over, told me I should quit showbiz.

Greer ? Come on, you listened to Greer ?

Kevin Hart used to open for Greer. What happened ? Life happened.

Don't listen to Greer. He looks like someone power-washed Don Cheadle.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Just take care of yourself. I wish I could help you, man.

Is there any way I could stay with you just for...

- Dude, fuck, no. Stay with me ? - Sorry.

What do you want, the couch ?

I let you sleep on the couch, people are gonna see.

Every fuckin' comedian'll want to sleep on my couch.

Okay, sorry.

Let me buy you a slice of pizza. Want to get a slice of pizza ?

- I'll buy you a slice of pizza. - No.

- I'll do that. - I like pizza.

Me, too. I mean, I didn't get this body runnin' ten miles a day.

- Then we went to Christian college. - Of course.

Everybody pairs off when you graduate.

- Really ? - This is what you do.

I've literally never done anything without her.

She found our apartment, she supports me.

Wait. She supports you ? You mean emotionally ?

- No, money. - Your wife supports you financially ?

Yeah.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

No, it's like a wife supporting a guy in medical school.

- How is it like that ? - It's like...

At the end of medical school, you're a doctor.

You start at about nine hundred grand a year.

At the end of this, I'll be a comedian.

- I'm in training. - Maybe ! There's no guarantee.

What do you mean? You did it.

That's the dream. You think of something.

- I'm your dream. - You're my dream. You kidding me ?

- You're dreaming of this ? - You're Artie Lange.

Right, exactly. You said that like I was Jessica Lange.

You're like a legend, man.

Yeah, but for fucked up shit, not for havin' a good life.

I mean, I'm a legend for shittin' my pants on coke on a United flight.

- Were you in coach ? - I only shit in first class.

You don't want to shit in coach. That's rude.

Ah, see ? See, we're having fun now.

All I'm sayin' is it's not all it's cut out to be.

It's not all the good shit you think it is.

It's not about bein' on stage all the time.

It's about the killing of time. It's about times like this.

My story's crazy. I got lucky. I got on a TV show.

I'm a regular on a TV show, making eight grand a week.

Oh my God.

I'd cash it, send my mother four grand.

I wouldn't send my agent any money, so that piled up.

I'd take the other four thousand bucks,

I'd put it in my pocket and I'd roll around L.A. like I was Kevin Federloin.

I was like I had connections, broads.

It was fun. That's when it was fun. It was great.

But then I hit a mountain. You live like that, you live fast.

I hit a mountain and I ended up in L.A. County Jail.

You went to jail ?

I went to L.A. County Jail for two months for possession of coke,

and I took a swing at a Los Angeles cop.

Not a good idea, man. L.A. County's bad.

Want to talk about self-esteem.

Try showerin' between a Blood and a Crip who were mad at each other.

I was never so happy to fat and ugly in my fuckin' life.

You turn this around is my point. And you need the woman, man.

I know you're mad at her. She fucked a guy.

That's a bad thing, but one guy, if she's your rock...

She slept with another person. That's a big thing.

Big fuckin' deal. One guy is nothin'.

I had a chick cheat on me once.

Actually, she blew a guy to get us coke.

So that's why I initiated that. Bad example.

You're gonna go home, right ?

You'll get your wife back. You're gonna go back to her.

You're gonna say, "Listen, I apologize. Maybe this was partially my fault."

You're gonna be real mature. You're gonna say, "I forgive you."

You're gonna have a good time. You'll be like a couple again.

And eventually, down the road, of course,

you're gonna have to ask that guy to leave your apartment.

This is gotta happen, right ?

Hey, man. Thanks for the slice.

Look. Any time, buddy. Any time, man.

Look, you got my number, right ? You know, keep in touch.

I hope you get your lady back. Honestly.

And, hey, keep me in the loop.

- I'm invested now, right ? - I will.

Honestly, I'm emotional about it. You're a good guy.

- Somebody's fucked. - Hey ! Hey !

That's you ?!

Wait. This is me. Sir, this is my car.

I can move it. Sir, this is my car.

- You see the sign ? - Yeah, I saw the sign.

- I didn't understand the sign... - It says "No Parking."

- I'm here. - Pete, come here.

- Artie, they're taking my car. - That's what they do, take your car.

Gimme the keys. Just give me the keys, okay ?

Talk to him. Just talk to him, right ? Go.

Excuse me. Sir, man to man,

I know you have a job to do, and I'm sympathetic to that,

but I really need my car.

I need to go home right now. Sir, please.

I really need to get home, this is really, really important.

Can please just cut me a break ?

I need to go home.

Artie ! It's attached !

Fuck !

I didn't... He asked for my keys,

and I thought he wanted to hold on to my keys

to make sure that I didn't do something stupid.

I didn't know what he was gonna do. You seem very...

- Pete ! You alright ?! - No !

Can I stay at your place now ?

No !

Oh my God. You're so right. Let's take a picture.

Okay, one, two three.

Oh my God. That's so good. You look like a Kardashian.

Let's go. Come on. Quick, quick, quick.

Quickly, quickly. We're trying to get on behind you. Come on.

Go. Good. Well done.

- You guys going to school ? - Don't talk to me. I don't know you !

Sorry.

What's your favorite Inside Out character ?

- Oh, Joy's my favorite by far. - How about you ?

- I love Joy. - I like Joy, too.

It's a lie, though. It's a lie you're gonna chase your entire lives.

I got married when I was young. How old are you ?

- Eleven. - Eleven. Alright.

Well, I met my wife in four years from now.

That's when met my wife at camp, and we got married.

She's the only girl I've ever slept... over.

Ahd then the other day I came home

because I was gonna see a movie at the community center, but I didn't.

I didn't know that would change my life.

I caught her with a man. You know what that feels like ?

- No. - Anger.

Anger is right.

- Disgust ? - Disgust is right.

- Fear ? - Fear, yup. It was there.

- We all make mistakes, right ? - Yeah.

We're friends. She's my wife.

So I'm gonna go back and tell her that I'm sorry I left.

- She'll take me back, right ? - Why do you want her back ?

'Cause I love her.

This is gonna make me cry.

She gets it.

Energy's going up your spine.

- Is it blue light or is it red light ? - It's blue.

Very good. Excellent.

Now let your chakra reabsorb some of that energy, and at...

Okay ! That's the dragon.

That's the chakra of the dragon.

Okay. And now you can release. And the sun shines above.

Imagine there's a snake coiled up at the base of your spine.

Pete ! Peter !

Oh, shit. I locked that.

- Hey, man. - What ?

- Leif, brother. - Yeah, I know that.

How could I not know that ?

- You came back for her, huh ? - Yes.

But the light of our love is just too much.

Fuck. I get that, man, I feel that.

Thanks.

I admire you so much. Your strength is unmeasurable.

Immeasurable.

- You're upset. - Yes, I'm upset.

You stole my wife. How can you not get that ?

This is the grist for the mil, Pete. I'm setting you free.

I'm shaking your cage.

You don't belong here anymore, man. You don't want to be here.

You know what you're supposed to do, so do it.

Everything is now working together

to take you from where you are, in this moment,

to where you're most afraid of going.

I am you, man. I'm not your enemy.

I am you, and you are me, and we are making love to your wife.

And she is us, and we, we're making love, you and me.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Okay. Hey, man. Jess and I are moving to Tampa.

Well, have fun in Tampa.

You can't have fun in Tampa,

but, you know, my aunt passed, and so we get a condo and stuff.

Shit, you got the keys ?

Because I'm pretty sure that I locked myself out.

The back screen door doesn't lock.

Great. Everybody wants her.

- Hello. - Pete !

- Artie ? - Hey, man. What happened ?

You win her back or what ?

- Didn't... - Oh, geez.

You know what ? Let's just meet up.

They were sweaty. They were breathing and counting. It was horrible.

Once a chick gets fucked like Sting, she ain't comin' back from that.

It was bad advice. Go back ?

Sorry. What are you askin' me advice for anyway ?

I'm not used to that. Who am I, Doctor Phil ?

People don't come up to me all the time

and say "Hey, Art, how do I get your great life ?"

- He's talkin' about love ? - Back up !

Give me your phone, fat man.

- Oh, we gotta get personal now ? - You too !

- No fat joke for him ? - Shut up !

You want the phone, Mister Fat Joke ?

You want the phone, Rodney Dangerfield ?

You want me to check Grindr for ya ? See if anybody's close by ?

Look who's muggin' us, Gandalf the Grey.

Run !

- What, are you fucking stupid ?! - Okay.

- Give me your shit ! - I'm sorry. Okay, okay.

- Gimme all of it. - Okay.

Gimme your phone. Come on !

- What else you got ? - It's my joke notebook.

You don't need my jokes. I need my jokes.

No ! Please don't !

You fuckin' get back !

- Don't mug people ! - Fuck you !

Artie ! Artie, where the hell are you ?!

What are you doing ?

- Oh, what ? What happened ? - What happened ? You ran.

I protected you and you ran. What are you do doing ?

I said, "Let's run." Oh, yeah.

What are you trying to fight the guy for ?

You don't do that. You run.

No, that's what you do. You were in danger.

No, what do you do is just give 'em your phone.

Who gives a shit about your phone ?

You weren't gonna give him your phone. You were taunting him.

I gave the guy a little shit. I can't give the guy shit ?

He was gonna take my phone. I can't bust his chops a little ?

And then I ran. You bust his balls, you run.

They're fine with that. It's like almost a play you do.

- He cut me. He slashed at me. - Oh, fuck. My God.

- Yeah. - That looks serious.

- It really hurts. - Oh, I'm sure. You hurt ?

That's the first time I ran since the eighth grade.

You know what ? It's gonna build more character.

Now you're a good man. You got cut for the first time.

I was trying to save you.

Save me ? What do you want to save me for ?

You could have got killed trying to save me.

I knew God would protect me.

- Oh, really ? - Yes.

- You knew he'd protect me, too ? - Yes. You're here.

Why would God protect me ? What do I do ?

You make people laugh. People love you. He loves you.

Not a bad point, but you... I mean, listen. I do that for pussy.

That's God. You should try one more of those. Just one more.

- I'm bleeding, Artie. - Alright, man. Fuck it.

Let's get you patched up. That's what we gotta do right now.

Let's go wait in the emergency room at the hospital for eight hours.

You can get two stitches.

Jesus. Toughen up a little bit, man.

How is it that I'm stabbed, and I still walk faster than you ?

Hey, man. Gotcha set up here, alright ?

You'll be alright.

No, no. Don't sleep on that pillow. Don't put your face in this pillow.

Bad shit happens in this pillow.

Over there. Use this here.

Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, this is gonna...

It's your blanket.

- Here, take that. - Thank you.

- Comfortable ? - Oh, perfect.

- Yeah, thank you so much. - Listen, man

One night of this, one night. Don't get used to this.

- Yeah. - You know, you gotta get your car.

Yeah, I looked it up. It's a hundred and fifty bucks, so...

It's a hundred fifty bucks a day. A day !

- What ? - You gotta stay on top of that.

This is New York. Yeah, it adds up, man.

Everything costs money. It's expensive.

Shit.

Babe in the woods, man.

You gotta toughen up here.

Listen, I keep the door open when I go to the bathroom.

It's not anything hostile. I'm just claustrophobic.

Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not weirdo or nothin'. Yeah, right.

Well, there's a Postmates down there. They deliver food.

Anything you want. Toothpaste, all night.

But the guys who deliver, they're psychopaths.

One guy's got a lazy eye. I tipped him like twenty bucks.

Was like feedin' a cat. Just, you know, be careful.

You'll be alright. Call me if you need 'em.

You know, I got ear plugs.

You want ear plugs ? You'll want it. The garbage, it's completely nuts.

I tried complainin', and I couldn't get through.

Also, I got another face mask, too.

That might help because the sun comes through that window right there.

It's nuts. It's like wakin' up in Cancún or something.

You want to talk, I'm here. I'm up all night, just like you.

I know. You never sleep, right ? This stupid business.

You'll be alright, man. We'll work through this.

End of episode