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1
00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:04,205
"Cheers" is filmed before
A live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:06,207
Ok, rebecca,
Here's the deal.
3
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,808
I'll paint
The whole office,
4
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,177
Including woodwork,
5
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,845
And, uh,
It'll run you...
6
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,781
400.
7
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,117
400 bucks
Sounds reasonable.
8
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,451
No, no, that's
400 beers.
9
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:20,688
The "B"
With the slanty
Line through it?
10
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:23,357
It's kind of
My own special
Currency.
11
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,227
It's a deal.
12
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:27,528
Oh, and norm, remember,
13
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:30,231
This time sam wants
Something really simple.
14
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,733
Oh, yeah. I've got
Some choices here.
15
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,002
I've got sand white,
16
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:36,437
Uh, ivory white,
17
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,306
Off-white,
Navajo white--
18
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:39,940
They all look
Just alike.
19
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,642
Well, they're different.
20
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,476
Are you sure?
21
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,977
Yeah, of course
I'm sure.
22
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:46,280
You think I'm trying
To push one color
On you?
23
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,815
I resent that,
Rebecca.
24
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,016
I'm sorry.
25
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,584
No, that one's fine,
Right there.
26
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,820
Cream white.
Excellent choice.
27
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,456
And as luck
Would have it,
28
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:58,326
I happen to have
42 gallons of it
In my garage.
29
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:06,100
* makin' your way
In the world today *
30
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:09,270
* takes everything
You've got *
31
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,072
* takin' a break
From all your worries *
32
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,475
* sure would help
A lot *
33
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:19,113
* wouldn't you like
To get away *
34
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,484
* sometimes
You want to go *
35
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:27,188
* where everybody
Knows your name *
36
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:32,360
* and they're always
Glad you came *
37
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,529
* you want to be
Where you can see *
38
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,232
* our troubles
Are all the same *
39
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,500
* you want to be *
40
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,536
* where everybody
Knows your name *
41
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,207
* you want to go
Where people know *
42
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,809
* people are all the same *
43
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,877
* you want to go *
44
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,846
* where everybody
Knows your name **
45
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:14,602
Good morning, sam.
46
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,237
Yeah?
What's good about it?
47
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,738
Well, you have
Your health,
48
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,039
A good business,
49
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:22,176
And friends who put up
With your violent mood swings.
50
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,111
I'm sorry.
51
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,113
I just got
Some bad news.
52
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,381
You guys all remember
53
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,917
The miss boston barmaid
Contest?
54
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,051
Oh, yeah.
55
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,286
That's
The annual contest
56
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,754
Where they try
To find
57
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,389
The most talented
And efficient
Waitress in boston,
58
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,157
Which--
Surprise, surprise--
59
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,292
Always turns out
To be the babe
60
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:41,128
With the biggest
Honeydews.
61
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:44,532
Right.
Well, this year, they're
Holding it at cheers.
62
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:45,766
All right!
63
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,335
No,
It's not what you think.
64
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,203
They changed
All the categories.
65
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,504
Listen to this--
66
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,972
"Speed, efficiency,
Memorization,
67
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,641
Personal warmth,
Courtesy."
68
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:57,478
I mean, it's like bra size
Doesn't even exist anymore!
69
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,648
Well, sam, they're just
Trying to keep pace
70
00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,350
With the current
Social enlightenment.
71
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,652
How would you
Like to be judged
72
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:08,021
Solely on the basis
Of your looks
And body alone?
73
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:11,058
I'd love it! I'd win!
74
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,860
The whole contest
Has gone to hell.
75
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,363
I mean, believe me,
I really presented my case
76
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,064
To the contest committee.
77
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,366
I made a graph here.
78
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,067
Look at this.
79
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,369
These are
The bust measurements
80
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,170
Of all the winners
Since 1976,
81
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:24,505
And almost to a woman,
82
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,540
They're over a 38.
83
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,343
What's this one that
Dips way down here?
84
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,512
That's the year
Diane won.
85
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:36,817
It's no good.
It's just no good at all.
86
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,387
I think I'm going
To write my councilman.
87
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,021
What am I talking about?
88
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,390
My councilman's a babe,
Too!
89
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,493
God, the whole world's
Crowding in on me!
90
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,828
Carla, you gonna
Try out for this
Contest?
91
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,597
I don't think so.
92
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:52,733
You heard sam.
It's not about
Looks this year.
93
00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,306
Thank you,
Woody.
94
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,707
You should
Do it, carla.
95
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,208
Look, I know I'm
A good waitress.
96
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,711
I don't need some
Obnoxious dork
In a cheap suit
97
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,212
Telling me
I'm the best.
98
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:06,514
You are the best.
99
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,982
I just said
I didn't need that.
100
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,653
Besides, even if I did win,
What would I get?
101
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,722
A lousy 10 bucks
And a handshake?
102
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:18,058
It says here you get
A brand-new
Mazda miata.
103
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,360
Get out of town!
104
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,962
Just for doing my job?
105
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:25,766
Oh!
106
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,268
I'm going to get myself
This miata!
107
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,269
All right!
108
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,539
Uh-oh, a snag.
109
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:34,007
What about "Warmth,
Personal courtesy"?
110
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:39,647
What about me shoving
This brochure up your nose?
111
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,316
You're a shoo-in.
112
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,090
I couldn't help but notice
113
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,592
For the last
Two days,
114
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,527
You've just been
Sitting here
Doing nothing.
115
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,096
Hi.
I'm norm peterson.
116
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,265
Obviously,
We haven't met.
117
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,633
This really bothers me.
118
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,635
You have a job to do,
119
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,471
And instead, you're
Just sitting here
120
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,172
Talking to cliff
All day long.
121
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,474
You're not
Even trying.
122
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,975
Rebecca, do you
Get cheers?
123
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,744
I mean, do you
Understand
The concept?
124
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,783
I want to see some work
By the end of today.
125
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,451
If you can't
Get the job done,
126
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,086
I will hire
A professional.
127
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:23,056
Oddly enough, that's
What vera said
On our honeymoon.
128
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,762
So, how you going to
Get out of this one?
129
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,297
Relax, cliffie,
I got it covered.
130
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:33,300
I have
A new industrial
Paint sprayer.
131
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,836
It gets the job done
In a couple hours.
132
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,704
Very clever.
133
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,806
It was invented
By the japanese
134
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,741
So they could paint
More efficiently
And quickly.
135
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,976
Whereas you'll use it
To drink more beers,
Watch more tv,
136
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,012
And put off everything
Until the very last minute.
137
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,515
Right. You see,
They're way ahead
Of us in technology,
138
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,950
But they don't have
Our creativity.
139
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,653
Hey, doc,
140
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:54,254
How do you think I look
For the contest?
141
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,556
Well, my goodness,
Carla,
142
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:58,426
That is a jaunty bow.
143
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,461
Yeah.
144
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,162
Where did you
Get it?
145
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,465
Well, the first job
I ever had
146
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,468
Was at this greasy spoon
When I was 15.
147
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,404
There was this
Old waitress
There named cora.
148
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,406
She taught me
Everything I know
149
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:13,807
About waiting tables.
150
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,209
Anyway,
On her last day,
151
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:20,080
The day they were
Carting her off
To the nursing home,
152
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,416
She gave me this bow.
153
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,418
She told me to
Wear it with pride,
154
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,721
Because being a waitress
Is a wonderful thing.
155
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,390
Carla, that's
Quite a story.
156
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,594
Now, if the judges
Are as sappy as you,
157
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,128
I get me a new car!
158
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:40,333
Carla, honey,
I just want you to know
159
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:44,037
That I've got
Some moral problems
With this contest.
160
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,139
It's not going
To get in the way
161
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,708
Of me hoping you win.
162
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,444
Thanks, sam. Now
Would you get me my
Button over there?
163
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,879
Oh.
164
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,515
"My name's carla,
And I love your smile."
165
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:58,452
Boy, you're really
Prepared to go
All the way for this.
166
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,320
Yeah, I got a button
Says that, too.
167
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,622
Think I should
Wear it?
168
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,691
No. I'd stick
With the smile thing.
169
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:06,326
Could I have
Some service?
170
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:07,561
Coming!
171
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,466
Hi. I'll be
Your waitress today.
172
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,167
How may I serve you?
173
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,705
I want a martini. Dry.
D-r-y.
174
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,840
That means light
On the vermouth.
175
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,510
And I want a twist,
Not an olive.
176
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,211
Very well, sir.
177
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:25,513
Read that back to me.
178
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,715
I don't want
Any mistakes.
179
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:31,351
"One martini,
Very dry."
180
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:32,620
You forgot the twist.
181
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,321
A twist it is.
182
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,423
I'll twist
His big ears off.
183
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,759
Take it easy,
Take it easy.
184
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,529
"A very dry martini
With a twist."
185
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,640
What did you
Do that for?
186
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,341
It's nothing
Personal.
187
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,777
I was just
Letting off steam.
188
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:59,647
Why don't you push
Norm off his stool?
189
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:04,484
You don't know much
About physics, do you?
190
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,920
Don't forget the twist!
191
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,557
Let me see my brochure.
I got to get a look at my car.
192
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,226
Oh!
193
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:16,129
Oh, it's worth it,
It's worth it.
194
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,632
This must have fallen
Out of your folder.
195
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,433
It says,
"List of judges."
196
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:23,270
Are you kidding?
197
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,272
That's supposed to be
Top-secret. Oh, my god.
198
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,475
This is the best thing
That's ever happened to me.
199
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,978
I'm going to know
Who they are.
200
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,981
All I have to do is kiss up
To the squids on that list,
201
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:36,984
I'll be driving home in
A nice, new convertible.
202
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:37,785
Great!
203
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,319
Who are they, woody?
204
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,555
"David murphy,
Cliff clavin,
205
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,190
And frank smith."
206
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,526
Aah!
207
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,335
Who is frank smith,
208
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:58,606
And why is carla
So mad at him?
209
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,584
On top of
Everything else,
210
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,520
I got this
Huge headache
211
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,288
Out of nowhere.
212
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,660
They
Picked clavin
To be a judge.
213
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:23,530
What could they
Have been
Thinking of?
214
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,032
They probably
Want someone with,
215
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,533
You know, a lot
Of bar experience.
216
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,168
He has been hanging
Around a lot.
217
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,138
Yeah, well, so has
Norm. Why didn't
They pick you?
218
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,640
Well, maybe they did.
219
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,942
I haven't opened
My mail in a while.
220
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,644
Once my unemployment
Ran out,
221
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:38,578
All the incentive
Was gone.
222
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,047
No doubt about it,
223
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,883
These things were
A lot easier
On all of us
224
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,885
When they were
Just bimbo contests.
225
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:49,757
You know, if this
Is the new age
Of enlightenment,
226
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:53,193
Why does it hurt
So many people?
227
00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:00,834
Norm, I got to ask
You a question.
228
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:04,337
Over the years,
I've been pretty
Bad to clavin,
229
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:07,607
And I've done some
Things that maybe
I shouldn't have--
230
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,710
Called him names,
231
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,444
Punctured his tires,
232
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,446
Set fire
To his hair.
233
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,548
What's the question, now?
234
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,918
Do you think
He noticed?
235
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,921
You made this guy
Eat a bug once.
236
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,624
That's a birthday
The guy's never
Going to forget.
237
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,727
Ok. I'll send
Him flowers.
238
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:29,329
Carla, that bug laid
Eggs in his stomach.
239
00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:34,367
Yeah. That was
Kind of a bonus.
240
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:38,305
Ohh. I might
As well just chuck
This phony bow.
241
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,539
Come on.
242
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:40,841
You're right.
It's hopeless.
243
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,043
I'm never going
To win anything.
244
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,111
Come on.
245
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,546
No, really. I thought
It was my turn.
246
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,849
I thought that
For once in my life
247
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,851
I was going
To be recognized
248
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,353
For being the best
At what I do.
249
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,856
Because of clavin,
I don't even get the chance.
250
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,825
All right,
Well, why don't
You try this?
251
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,659
Actually be nice
To cliff.
252
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,961
Listen
To his stories,
253
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,363
Treat him
Like a friend.
254
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,999
I'm sorry. It's
The beer talking.
255
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,037
Now, that, paul,
In a nutshell,
256
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,039
Is the history
Of western
Civilization.
257
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,243
You were right
To come to me.
258
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:19,980
I didn't come to you, cliff.
I was waiting to
Use the phone.
259
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,286
Go on, cliff.
I'm listening.
260
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,756
I'm interested
In western civilization.
261
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,758
Are you
All right, carla?
262
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,893
Beat it, lard butt.
263
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:35,829
Thank god.
264
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,931
I thought
I was hallucinating.
265
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,801
Interested, huh?
266
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,302
Oh, yeah.
267
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,637
That's funny.
You never listened
To me before.
268
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:47,440
I listen to you
All the time, cliff.
269
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,209
As a matter of fact,
270
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,711
I often go home
And tell the kids
271
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,714
About this very,
Very smart man at work.
272
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,450
Why are you so mean
To me all the time?
273
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,952
Mean?
274
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:02,722
Well, like
When you knocked me
Off that stool.
275
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,757
Knocked--
276
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,025
Oh, no.
277
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:07,928
Oh, no. That was just
An affectionate nudge,
278
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:11,264
You--you old silly billy.
279
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:23,944
It did sort
Of hurt my back
A little bit.
280
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,780
You know,
I wondered
If you might...
281
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:29,282
No, never mind.
I could never
Ask you.
282
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,785
Oh, no. Cliff,
Would you like me
283
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,287
To get you something
For your back?
284
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,290
A heating pad or
Some doan's pills?
285
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,794
Well, a little back rub
Might help a little.
286
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:43,797
Wouldn't you rather
Have a heating pad
287
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,799
Or some
Doan's pills?
288
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,435
Right there
Between the scapulae.
289
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,943
Why, uh, sure.
290
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,219
That feels good.
291
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,056
Ahh.
292
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,790
Carla, what the heck?
293
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,625
Let me just take off
My shirt,
294
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:16,463
And you can come
In the office with me
To really knead the flesh.
295
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,637
Ok.
296
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,841
But if I'm not out
Of there in 15 minutes,
297
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,542
Nail that door shut,
298
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,344
Call my kids,
And tell them
299
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,346
I died
In a hideous explosion.
300
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,949
I wouldn't want them
To know the truth.
301
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:45,358
How's that painting job
Coming along, norm?
302
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,160
Uh...I swear to god
303
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,029
I'd be in there
Painting this
Very moment
304
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:50,864
But carla's
Using the room.
305
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,866
She's giving cliff
A massage.
306
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,167
Oh, please.
307
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,471
Give me a break.
308
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,174
Oh, dear.
309
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:04,844
See?
310
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,213
Yes, I see.
311
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,882
Now if you could get
The rest of that office
312
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,884
Half as white
As cliff's upper body,
313
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,419
I'd be happy.
314
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:14,854
Woody?
315
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,856
A beer for cliff,
Please.
316
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,791
And, uh...
317
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,793
I have to get...
318
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,563
Four, five,
Six pretzels
319
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:27,200
With the salt brushed off
Just one side.
320
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,642
I touched his skin.
321
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,212
Oh, horror, horror.
322
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:45,986
You might pretend it's
Something less repulsive.
323
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,523
Less...
324
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:54,661
Less repulsive
Than cliff's naked back?
325
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,665
You mean like
A dead animal
326
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,068
Lying on the side
Of the road
327
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,669
Squirming
With maggots?
328
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,873
Precisely. Visualize.
329
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,476
Visualize.
330
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,710
Yeah.
331
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,512
I think
That could work.
332
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,247
Thanks, doc.
333
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,748
It's only maggots.
334
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,084
It's only maggots.
335
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,053
Carla sure is smart--
336
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,922
Buttering up
To mr. Clavin
So she'll win.
337
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,591
I wish I'd have had
Those smarts
338
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,793
When I was doing
The county fair circuit
339
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,128
With my hog mirabelle.
340
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,430
Rule number one--
You got to schmooze.
341
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,434
You got to go
To the right parties.
342
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,803
You got to sell out.
I wouldn't.
343
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,506
So I brought mirabelle
Home a loser.
344
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:40,773
Broke my heart.
345
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,775
How was mirabelle?
346
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,245
Not bad
With applesauce.
347
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,722
Carla, you
Really got strong
Peasant hands.
348
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,592
Thank you, cliff.
349
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,594
That's really quite
A refreshing change,
350
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:04,797
You being nice to me
All of a sudden.
351
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,599
It's not all of a sudden.
352
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,802
It's like when you're
In third grade,
353
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,804
When you tease the boy
354
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,706
You secretly
Like the most.
355
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,710
You mean, the whole
Third grade
356
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,379
Secretly liked me?
357
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,249
Forget it.
358
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,816
Wait a minute.
Carla...
359
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,753
Are you trying
To say you like me?
360
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,156
Well...
361
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,825
Oh, come on.
Don't be shy.
362
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,662
Say it so the guys
Can hear it.
363
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,103
I like you.
I said it.
364
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,674
I feel like
I'm going to explode.
What should I do?
365
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:50,577
Find some way
To release
The tension.
366
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:51,511
Good thinking.
367
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,882
Oh. Oh, thank you.
368
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,185
I feel a lot better.
Thank you.
369
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:02,855
Carla, you did
Such a good job
With the back rub,
370
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,791
Now my feet
Are jealous.
371
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,362
Allow me.
372
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,109
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet.
373
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:23,610
Carla, come on,
Cut it out.
374
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,045
You've been
Washing your hands
In kerosene
375
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,880
For half an hour.
They're clean.
376
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,683
No. Not yet, sam.
Get me a match.
377
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,620
Carla, it couldn't
Have been that bad.
378
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,821
Like hell.
379
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,189
I didn't look,
380
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:40,660
But I'm sure I felt
Six toes on his left foot.
381
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:44,131
If the judges will
Please come forward
382
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,366
And the contestants
Will take their places,
383
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,067
We're ready to begin
384
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,204
The 53rd annual
Miss boston barmaid contest.
385
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,474
Um...
I'll be right there.
386
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,676
I'm just
Going to get
The other judge.
387
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,111
What other judge?
388
00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,379
Cliff clavin.
389
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,114
Sorry. I don't know
Cliff clavin.
390
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,116
Well, well...
391
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,385
What--
What about this?
392
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,288
I'm sorry, miss.
That's not official.
393
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,090
Someone must be having
Fun with you.
394
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:16,896
Hey, carla,
395
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,199
You still got
That little brush?
396
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,834
You left
A couple of crumbs
On my mustache.
397
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,640
You know, cliff,
398
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,977
I think you ought
To keep those crumbs.
399
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:32,979
They're gonna need them
To identify your body.
400
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,647
You set me up.
401
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:37,650
You put your name
On that list
402
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,353
Just so that I would
Be nice to you.
403
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,854
Contestant number 1?
404
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,490
Yes?
405
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,561
If you'll take your place
With the other contestants,
406
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,662
We can begin.
407
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:53,366
I have to go be
In the contest now, cliff.
408
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,336
Why don't you make
Your peace with god?
409
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,607
Are you nuts?
410
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,676
Did you think you
Were going to actually
Get away with that?
411
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,845
You know
You're dead now,
Don't you?
412
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:06,879
I know, norm.
413
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,548
Some men have a mission.
414
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,550
The guys who climb
Mt. Everest,
415
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:12,819
The guys who walk
On the moon.
416
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:16,088
Either of those
Would be a pretty
Good hiding place.
417
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,090
But I topped them all,
Yes, sirree.
418
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,660
I had carla
Rub my bare feet.
419
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,596
I'm going to have that
Etched on my tombstone.
420
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,299
I'd start working
On it just about now.
421
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,601
Contestant number one,
You're first.
422
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,903
Our first category
Will be speed,
423
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,673
Followed by memorization,
Personal warmth,
424
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,375
Courtesy,
And drink knowledge.
425
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:38,711
[high voice]
What about
The bikini round?
426
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:41,714
We're well aware
Of your views, mr. Malone.
427
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,557
And now
Let the contest begin.
428
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,751
Thank you.
Very nicely done.
429
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,786
That concludes
Our competition.
430
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,755
As the judges
Tally their votes,
431
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,891
Let's have
A big round of applause
For all of our contestants.
432
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:05,998
Sammy,
I think I really
Got a shot at this.
433
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,767
I hate to admit it,
434
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,069
But it might be
Because of you,
Clavin.
435
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:11,404
What do
You mean?
436
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:12,739
I took all that energy
437
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,741
I was going
To use to kill you
438
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,776
And I put it into doing
The best job I could.
439
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,546
Then my secret
Strategy worked,
Huh?
440
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,548
I hope you enjoy
The car.
441
00:21:21,548 --> 00:21:23,850
Just remember
Who made it
All possible.
442
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:26,218
If the contestants
Will please be seated.
443
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:29,322
Ladies and gentlemen,
We have a winner.
444
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:31,791
It's me, it's me.
I feel it.
445
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:35,294
The proud owner
Of a brand-new
1991 convertible,
446
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,998
And our new miss
Boston barmaid is...
447
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:41,501
Miss shawnee wilson.
448
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,207
But she spilled
All the drinks.
449
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,742
Who cares? Look at her.
450
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:54,347
I won, I won, I won,
I won, I won.
451
00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:56,182
No. You won,
You won.
452
00:21:56,182 --> 00:21:57,617
I won, I won.
453
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:03,289
And let's not forget
Our miss congeniality award.
454
00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:05,625
It goes to contestant
Number one--
455
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:07,093
Cheers' own carla.
456
00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:12,331
That's quite a big trophy,
Miss.
457
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,233
I hope you have
Room for it.
458
00:22:14,233 --> 00:22:16,436
I'll make room.
459
00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:18,971
Mr. Mailman.
460
00:22:18,971 --> 00:22:20,440
Oh, look out!
461
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:25,111
No, no, no!
462
00:22:26,779 --> 00:22:29,782
I'm so happy you won
That contest.
463
00:22:29,782 --> 00:22:34,153
You know, it just
Shows that the world
Hasn't gone crazy,
464
00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:37,790
That, you know,
Deep inside, people
Are basically good,
465
00:22:37,790 --> 00:22:41,360
That they can see
Through the rules
And regulations
466
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,996
And pick out
The inner diamond.
467
00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:46,433
I won a shiny red car.
468
00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:47,934
I know you did!
469
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,270
Woody, where's norm?
470
00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:53,272
Is he
In the bathroom?
471
00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:54,541
No.
472
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,308
Is he
Putting money
In the meter?
473
00:22:56,308 --> 00:22:57,510
No.
474
00:22:57,510 --> 00:23:00,279
Don't tell me
He is actually--
475
00:23:00,279 --> 00:23:01,448
[whoosh]
476
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:03,950
Whoa!
477
00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:13,526
Relax.
478
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:16,729
It--it--it dries
Much lighter.
33383
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