Original subtitles

"Cheers"Is filmed before A live studio audience.

Young man, a beer, please.

Hey, you're on Sunday morning tv, Aren't you?

Indeed.

Are you, uh... David brinkley?

No. Sam donaldson?

Give me a break.

Oh.

Aren't you the guy Who keeps

The"Gorgeous ladies Of wrestling"

From tearing each Other's hair out?

You could say that.

Oh, man. Your money's No good here.

Actually, I'm john mclaughlin.

I'm the moderator Of a political round table

Called "The mclaughlin group".

Oh. Well, That'll be 2.50.

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything you've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away? *

* sometimes you want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you want to be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you want to be *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* you want to go Where people know *

* people are all the same *

* you want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

[applause]

Good evening.

Welcome to"Cheers 200."

I'm john mclaughlin.

A little more Than eight years ago,

A pseudo intellectual College student

Walked into a bar [telephone rings]

And met A recovering alcoholic

Ex-relief pitcher For the boston red sox.

Hello? Sam?

Are you sam?

[muffled] yes. Yes, he's here.

Someone named vicki.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, she knows you're here.

I told her you're here.

Well--

Now, look.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

He had to step out. Where?

Well, uh...

I think what happened is,

He, uh...He had--

He had to go to mime class.

That week, america Was supremely uninterested.

"Cheers"Ranked number 77

Out of a possible 77 Television shows.

Last season,

It was the number one Television show in america.

On this,

The occasion of the 200th Episode of"Cheers",

We will be showing

Some of the many highlights And lowlights

Of the first 199 episodes,

As well as talking To the originators,

The cast, And the current caretakers

Of the little bar in boston

Where everybody Knows your name.

We'll be right back.

It's like I'm in complete control Of people's destinies.

Yeah, like, I can make Their drinks too strong

So they get sick,

Or I can water 'em down So they're payin' for nothin'.

Yeah.

Or if I don't like Their attitudes,

I can spit in it.

Carla, you're Not still upset

About that little Argument we had The other day?

You tell me.

Oh, hey, carla, listen, I'm sorry about this morning

When I called you A sawed-off witch.

All: norm!

George wendt, tell us About norm peterson.

Well, uh, He hangs out in a bar.

Yeah.

He, uh...

He's got Darn good writers.

Afternoon, everybody.

All: norm! What's up, norm?

My nipples. It's freezing out there.

What are you up to, Norm?

My ideal weight If I were 11 feet tall.

Hey, mr. Peterson, Jack frost nipping At your nose?

Yeah. Now let's get joe beer Nipping at my liver, huh?

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Let's talk about

What's going In mr. Peterson.

Hey, what's happening, norm?

It's a dog-eat-dog World, sammy,

And I'm wearing Milk bone underwear.

Norm's a very loyal guy.

Unfortunately, His priorities

Are a little bit Out of whack.

He's loyal To the bar first

And, you know, To his marriage

Somewhere down the line, But he is loyal.

You can't go Sneaking out nights On somebody you love.

Woody,you have To believe that truth--

Norm, it's vera. I'm not here--

Honesty, are The cornerstones Of marriage.

I promised vera I'd pick up Some chinese food.

Well, that's nice Of you, norm.

Well, I spilled it On the floor this morning.

Jeez...Women.

You can't Live with them. Pass the beer nuts.

Yeah, norm, How come you and vera Never had any kids?

I can't, coach.

Gee, I'm sorry, norm.

I look at vera, I just can't.

See you in the morning, I guess, huh?

Yeah, I may be A little late.

Ah, that's ok. I had a key made.

I came, I drank...

I stayed.

[groans]

What's the matter, norm?

Nothing. Just my shorts Are binding up on me.

Just, you know, Stand up and straighten Them out a little.

Nah. I'll give them Five minutes.

Sometimes They self-correct.

I've been down this road A few times myself, And take it from a pro--

There is one thing You always have to do

Before you tell a guy You love him.

What's that? Lose the mustache.

Rhea, tell us about carla.

Well, she's, Um, a survivor.

She's a realist.

She's very fertile.

I cannot let Any man touch me, Talk to me or see me

Or I'll be shooting out kids Like a pez dispenser.

Do you think that she's mean?

No. I don't think She's mean.

I think that she's honest.

Frasier, You're brilliant.

That is one the most brilliant Ideas you've ever had,

And you've had a lot Of brilliant ideas.

Thank you, carla.

See, woody, it works. Bonehead bought it.

Nothing wrong With sweating.

I myself Have perspired Once or twice.

We could grow rice.

Give me a little something With hair on it.

Here I am.

So, uh, you married?

Yes, quite happily.

Too bad.

You could have been My first englishman.

Oh, no, no, wait.

There was That one other guy,

But he was so white, I kept losing him In the sheets.

Does everybody like carla?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You have to.

Did carla like diane chambers?

No. No?

Suffice it to say,

He insists on Making mountains Out of molehills.

He wants you to wear A padded bra?

I can no longer Hold my tongue.

Want me to do it?

He has saved hundreds,

Nay, thousands Of troubled marriages.

It's even rumored That he had a hand

In helping chuck and di.

Speaking of that, Why don't you Upchuck and die?

Do you like cliff?

No.

You don't like cliff? No!

It's a little known fact, 42% of all deaths

In america are caused By accidents in the home.

So were you.

Yeah, you'd never Catch a woman of mine

Leading me around By the nose.

No, but you might catch her Sunning herself on a rock.

What a pathetic display.

I'm ashamed God made me a man.

I don't think god's Doing a lot of bragging About it, either.

If you go back in history And take every president,

You'll find that The numerical value

Of each letter In their last name

Was equally divisible Into the year

In which they were elected.

See, I figured it out, And by my calculations,

Our next president Has to be named

Yelnick mcgwawa.

Who is cliff clavin?

Well, cliff, According to cliff,

He'd be the wing nut

That holds western Civilization together.

Yeah.

According to me, uh,

He'd just be A winged nut.

Hey, you got A big mouth, clavin.

Yeah, he happens to be Right, you know.

Yeah, it's a genetic quirk In the clavin family

That we all have Two extra teeth.

Yeah, you see, That's the only way That we can prove

That we are the rightful heirs To the russian throne.

Hello in there, Cliff.

Tell me,

What color Is the sky In your world?

You know, I happen to be A bit of an expert On tapeworms.

It all goes back To my eighth-grade Science fair.

You know, everybody else Had rabbits and guinea pigs.

I had a tapeworm.

Really?

Yeah, so I couldn't go.

Or was that, Uh, a ringworm?

Check, please.

Yeah. Boy, oh, boy.

Me and parasites. Don't get me started.

John, is there Part of you in cliff?

Oh, yeah.

I am fascinated by Fascinating facts, yeah.

Is there a part Of cliff in you?

Uh, I wear white socks.

Well!

What did I tell you?

Is that cliff clavin Or is that don ho, huh?

Where you been, buddy,

Some faraway Island resort?

Oh, easy mistake, Norm, but no, I got this tan Right here in bean town.

Was that at the new Tan-and-wash

I've been hearing So dang much about?

That's right, normie. By the way,

Did you realize that the tan First gained popularity

In what is now known As the bronze age?

Great, great. Well, I'm sold.

And by the way, Look how white I used to be.

During the course Of the history of "Cheers,"

You lost a character.

You lost a man, right, Nick colasanto,

Who played the part Of ernie pantusso,

The coach.

Nicky was like a father.

I mean, he was the father, And woody's the kid.

I mean, that was, uh, Nicky was the sage.

He used to say He played the character

Like a 12-year-old.

He would sit And listen to everybody

Like they made complete sense.

I don't know If you know the set,

But he's still present. We put a picture of geronimo

That nicky had In his dressing room.

We put that on The upstage wall Of "Cheers".

So he's still present.

He was a former coach And professional baseball--

He was sam's coach, yeah.

He had a record In minor league

Of being hit By a pitch more Than any other--

I mean, What I'd do was, I'd get up there

And lean my body Into the pitch, Right?

And, well, sometimes I took one right In the old melon.

But, I mean, I really made A science out of it.

I became a master.

Well, here. Try to miss me.

Ohh.

You ready? Ok, here we go.

I'm not going to get it Anywhere near him.

That's the whole point.

[bonk]

[gasps]

I'm on my way To first!

Nicky was amazing.

I mean, he was a director.

Accomplished Director And teacher.

A very, very bright man.

And he would like, He would drive On the lot,

Andhe'd say that he'd Get out of his car,

And he'd turn that off, And he was coach From then on.

"Cheers." yeah, just a sec.

Is there an ernie pantusso here?

That's you, coach. Speaking.

Oh, boy.

The damnedest thing.

I've been shivering All the way over here.

Well, coach, You don't have A coat on.

It's 30 degrees Outside.

Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.

Yeah, just a sec.

It's for you, sam.

Uh, give me A second, coach.

Uh, I'll put you on hold.

[singing mellow melody]

Thank you, coach.

All the classy joints Do that.

Ah, coach, I'm having blackouts.

Kind of a nice Break in the day, Isn't it, sam?

Do you remember nick, Shelley? Dearly.

He was really Diane's only friend,

Real friend.

He would listen to diane,

And he would Counsel her

And offer her a kind of Support and friendship

That didn't really Come out clearly

From many of the other Members of the bar.

Coach, what do you do When you are so furious

That you have to do something?

Well, I know you think It's kind of crazy,

But I bang my head On the bar.

Doesn't sound crazy to me.

It might do me a lot Of good right now.

Well, ok.

No, no! Oh, don't.

But you're--you're So beautiful, so--

Beautiful?

Daddy, you have been Saying that I'm beautiful

Ever since I was A very little girl.

But look at me! Not as my father,

But like you're looking at me For the first time.

And please try to see me As I really am.

Oh, my god, I didn't realize

How much you look Like your mother.

I know.

I look exactly like her, And mom was not...

Comfortable About her beauty.

But that's what made her More beautiful.

Your mother Grew more beautiful

Every day of her life.

She was really beautiful?

Yes, and so are you.

You're the most Beautiful kid In the whole world.

Thanks, daddy.

We wanted to create--

There are in america Great neighborhood bars.

But not everybody has one,

And so we thought We'd give, for all those Poor, deprived people,

We'd give them one. And that included ourselves, We didn't have one.

So we created one,

A place that we would Like to go and spend time,

And where everybody could go One night a week

And be with friends.

Hyah!

[shrieking]

[all yelling]

Easy, I got it.

Let go! Oh!

Let go of me!

You get your--stop it!

You had the gall--

Whoa!

Come on, you guys.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Whoops!

No!

Stop this immediately!

I have never been witness

To such a silly, soph--

Sam malone...

Kiss your butt good-bye!

[all yelling and shrieking]

When you conceived Of the relationship

Between diane chambers And sam malone,

What was it?

I think that There was An intensity

With the sam And diane affair

That was, uh... Dominating?

Yeah. Very much so.

A really intelligent woman

Would see your line Of b.S. A mile away.

You think so, huh? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, you know,

I've never met An intelligent woman

That I'd want to date.

On behalf of The intelligent women

Around the world, May I just say--

Whew!

Well, I'll be darned.

What?

Nothing. I just Noticed something.

What?

Well, I guess I've, uh,

I've never looked Into your eyes.

Something wrong With them?

No. I, uh...

I just don't think I've ever seen eyes That color before.

As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever Seen that color before.

Yes, I have. Yes, I have.

Where?

I was, uh...

I was on a ski weekend Up at stowe.

I was coming in late one day.

Last person off the slopes.

The sun had just gone down,

And the sky became This incredible color.

I--I usually don't Notice things like that.

And I found myself kind of Walking around in the cold,

Hoping that It wouldn't change,

Wishing that I had Somebody there

To share it with me.

And afterwards, I tried To convince myself

That I'd imagined that color,

That I hadn't really seen it,

That nothing on this earth Could be that beautiful.

Now I see I was wrong.

Wouldn't work, huh?

What?

An intelligent woman Would see right through that.

Oh.

Oh!

In a minute.

Damn.

You are the nuttiest,

The stupidest,

The phoniest fruitcake I ever met!

You, sam malone, Are the most arrogant, Self-centered son--

Shut up! Shut your fat mouth.

Make me. Make you?

My god, I'm going To bounce you off

Every wall In this office!

Try it and you'll be Walking funny tomorrow.

Or should I say funnier?

You know, you know I always wanted

To pop you one.

Maybe this is My lucky day, huh?

You disgust me. I hate you.

Are you as turned on As I am?

More. Bet me.

Whenever you think too much About something,

It loses all its sense. I mean, obviously,

The only reason Why I'm with you Is because I lo--

What, sam?

I said the reason Why I'm with you

Is 'cause I lo--

You lo?

Well, you know What I mean.

Well, what's The matter? Can't you say it?

Of course I can. I lo--I lo--I lo--

Do you know What the difference is

Between you And a fat braying ass?

Nope.

The fat braying ass would.

Speaking of fat Braying asses,

You're about to get Dumped on yours.

How dare you slap me?

Don't you ever hit me again.

Like hell.

You always think You got to get The last one in--

Don't! Come on! All right, All right, fine!

Oh! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Please, Come on, let go.

Oh, what the hell. Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

No.

Oh, diane, Will you marry me?

No, sam.

Diane, Will you marry me?

That didn't sound Very sincere.

I'll be back here.

I will.

I'll see you in six months.

Ok?

Ok.

Ok.

That's better.

Have a good life.