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[dramatic chord]

[somber music]

[crying]

♪ ♪

Well, today is a very sad day.

How do you say goodbye to someone

who is such a fixture in all of our lives?

You know, I finally understand the meaning

of the Beyoncé song "Irreplaceable,"

for he will never be replaced.

He was more than just a dog.

♪ ♪

He was Borgnine.

And he was a gentleman.

From day one,

only went on the wee-wee pad.

Never the floor.

Always on the wee-wee pad.

Wouldn't go on the floor.

I mean, he wasn't perfect.

He had his flaws, right, Joe?

[laughs]

He--he used to bark

at Black people on the TV.

But in retrospect, it was only during "The Cosby Show,"

so maybe he recognized something that we didn't.

I'll never forget when we put the--

the hat and glasses on him.

Remember, Joe?

It was hilarious.

Fucking hilarious.

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

[blowing nose]

Now let's take a moment of silence

and honor Borgie.

[tires screeching] [crashing]

[crowd gasping] [musical horn playing]

- Oh, my God. - Ah, fuck!

[grunting] Fuck.

The fuck?

Damn it.

Whew. It's fine. [musical horn playing]

She's fine. Shh. Shh.

Stop. Stop. Shh.

[musical horn playing] Sorry.

[car lock beeps]

Sad day.

It's a very sad day, huh?

[crowd whispering]

- Hello. - Hello.

Good to see you, Mom.

Hey, how are you?

Hello, rest of the family.

Roy, all right. Very good.

[coughs, sniffing]

This is sad.

Donna, hi.

All right.

I would now like to invite

family and friends to come up here

and sprinkle a little dirt on Borgie's grave

so you can have an opportunity to say a final goodbye.

Pete, what the fuck?

Thanks, Roy.

Oh!

- [all gasp] - Borgie!

Oh! Ah, fuck!

My fucking foot's stuck!

Sorry, Borgie.

[all gasping] [grunting]

Sorry. Sorry.

Peter...

I am so sorry.

I was wrong. You're right.

Nothing will fucking fix you.

Nothing, nothing you could fucking do.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Just leave me in. I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

Peter, there are no words

to describe how disappointed I am.

Mom, I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

Pete, wait.

Are you really just gonna dip out of here like this?

Yeah I don't think anybody wants me to be here, so...

Okay, well, give me your keys.

I'm not gonna let you drive like this.

You know what?

I think I left them in the fucking grave hole.

Be right back.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

It's pretty dope, right? The Shelby?

It's, like-- it's pretty--pretty rare.

I'm not gonna let you off the hook.

You have to fix this.

It's your family.

Yeah, well, Mom and Poppy

don't really seem to care anymore,

so what's the fucking point?

Nothing matters now.

You're such a fucking baby, Pete.

At your age, you're supposed to be taking care of them.

You know that, right?

Also, what about me? You know I exist.

I have feelings just like everybody else.

How come you always cast me like I don't matter?

You do matter. I...I know. Fuck.

You're right, okay? You're right.

You're always right, you know?

I fuckin'--

You know I love you

more than anything.

You have to get help. You need help.

I don't care if it's for me or for you,

so you can be in some bullshit action movie or whatever.

Just fucking do it!

You realize you're destroying the family, right?

You're breaking Mom's heart.

All right, fine. I'll go.

I'll go to rehab, okay?

You mean it?

I do. I'll go. I'm sorry.

Good.

Maybe--

maybe before I go, maybe-- maybe tonight,

we go out, have, like, a family dinner, something.

Me, you, Mom, and Poppy.

- [laughs] - It would be nice.

Yeah, that's literally all Mom's wanted

since you've been home.

♪ While you're near me ♪

♪ I don't feel blue ♪

♪ And when we kiss ♪

♪ I know you need me too ♪

♪ I can't believe I've found a love ♪

♪ That's so pure and true ♪

♪ But it all was bullshit ♪

♪ It was a goddamn joke ♪

♪ And when I think of you, Linda ♪

- * I hope you fuckin' choke ♪ - [meows]

♪ I hope you're glad ♪

♪ With what you've done to me ♪

I don't like you.

♪ I lay in bed all day ♪

All right, give it up for Pete Davidson.

[applause]

[indistinct chatter]

Ew! Fuck.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Hey, Ray.

Hey.

Can I, uh-- can I talk to you for a sec?

Uh, yeah.

I'm--I got a spot, and I'm going onstage.

Yeah, I know. It'll only take a second.

Yeah, sure, man. What's--what's up?

What's going on?

I'm good, man. I just, uh...

Figure we should, uh, you know, maybe talk

about what happened, you know, in Canada.

What are you talking about? What? What happened in Canada?

Ray...

remember when you came into my trailer

and said all that weird stuff,

but it was, like, kind of cool 'cause it was coming from you,

but like, in retrospect,

it was actually super fucked up and dark?

Do you remember that?

Pete, I don't-- I don't know what to say.

I wasn't in Canada.

I didn't-- I've never met you before.

This is the first time I've ever met you.

You told me to get sucked.

You were like, "You should get yourself sucked!"

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

I don't know what's going on with you.

I know--I don't know you. I read about you.

I know you're a little fucked up.

You might be spiraling out now, man.

You may need help.

Dude, I think you should go get some help.

Fuck. Sorry, Ray.

I--[clears throat]

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I've been all fucked up, but I'm actually--

I'm getting help, so...

Wonderful, wonderful.

Hey, you need help.

We all need help. Godspeed.

Okay? I wish you the best.

Sayonara.

Yeah, shalom.

Yeah, shalom's funny,

'cause it's hello and goodbye.

- Yeah. - Aloha.

Have a good set, Ray Romano.

All right. Hey, Pete.

Yeah?

Take care of yourself,

Pussy Thanos.

- [gasps] - [laughing]

[snaps]

[Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"]

♪ So what can I do? ♪

♪ I really beg you, my Lord ♪

♪ To me, flirtin' is just like a sport ♪

♪ Anything fly, it's all good, let me dump it ♪

♪ Please send in the trumpet ♪

♪ A little bit of Monica in my life ♪

♪ A little bit of Erica by my side ♪

♪ A little bit of Rita's all I need ♪

Hey! Ahh.

That is not good. Fuck.

♪ My family hates me ♪

♪ Yes, they do ♪

♪ I'm trying to make it up ♪

♪ We're Italians too ♪

♪ My grandpa's dying ♪

♪ Very sad ♪

♪ My mama and sister don't like who I am ♪

Wah!

♪ ♪

Hey.

Yo.

Welcome to my apology dinner.

[laughs] Thank you.

Where is everyone?

No one's here. It's just you so far.

Hopefully I'm not the only one.

Oh, you made Italian stew.

Yeah.

Okay. Mangia.

That's crazy. She's fucking pregnant?

I know, I know.

Her life is over.

Over. Wow.

So are you doing that?

That type of stuff, like, that, um...

[clears throat]

- What? - Um, the sexy stuff?

Do--do you do that? Do you do that?

The sexy stuff?

Are you asking me if I have sex?

I just--I--

I'd tell you, but like,

you could just read about who I'm banging

kind of like it's the Nasdaq, but you could--I--

Yes, I do.

- Cool. - Okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm not good at being your brother.

- I don't-- - No, it's okay.

- It's good. - No, I'm trying.

Yeah, I know, you're trying.

- I made the stew, you know. - Yeah.

No, it's okay. I'm teasing.

Oh, I am really--

I'm really proud of you.

That's pretty-- you're doing great.

- It's like... - Proud of me for having sex?

- No, no, you're--the-- - Thank you.

You know, you're, like, a doctor nurse thing, right?

You have no idea what I do, do you?

No. I don't know what you do.

I just know you write prescriptions

and you won't give me any, so...

She is a physician's assistant.

Her graduation's next week.

You think you can make it?

Look, Poppy, I'm really--

I'm sorry about today with the whole Borgnine thing.

That was--that was bad.

Peter, you always apologize.

How many times you apologize?

You don't fucking mean it.

I don't want to be like all those assholes

that enable you to be a jerk-off

by accepting your apology.

Okay.

I deserve that.

Well...

I am going to rehab.

I found a place.

Didn't you try that once before?

I did try, yeah.

But there's a lot more to lose now.

So maybe I'll actually do it.

Maybe when I come back, I won't be such a scumbag.

Okay.

And get rid of your friends.

What?

You heard me.

Get rid of your fucking friends.

[tense music]

You gotta get rid of your friends

if you want to get better.

All of them.

Even Crillz?

Especially Crillz.

♪ ♪

I just wish I could help you.

You know, I really tried.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault. You know that, right?

Well, it's not easy being a parent.

I only ever wanted the best for you.

You know, I hope you know that.

Of course.

And I hope you know--like, I know I don't say it a lot,

but I love you.

You're the best.

Pete, I need you to take this seriously.

I really need you to get better.

'Cause I love you more than I could possibly tell you.

So what's this girl's name you're going with?

- I forget. - Nikki.

- Nikki, Nikki. Right, right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you doing with her?

Good? You like her?

I love her. She's the best. Yeah.

It's complicated, though, you know?

- Yeah. - It's hard, you know?

Do you ever take her dancing?

No. Take her dancing? What do you mean?

I mean dancing. You know, take her out dancing.

- I know how to dance. - You know how to dance?

- Yeah, I know how to dance. - That's not dancing.

That's--no, what you kids do is not dancing.

I'm talking about romantic dancing.

You say--here, watch. You do this.

- Yeah. - Look at this. The hand?

- Okay, like that. Right there. - Okay.

And you do very nice. You know, you move, you roll.

Look. Smell my hair.

Say, "Ooh, you got nice hair."

- Like that. - [laughs]

- This is ridiculous. - I know. I know.

Oh, my God.

- Is this happening? - What?

- Case, do me a favor. - What?

- Come here. - Really?

Yeah, I want you to dance with your brother.

- Teach him how to dance. - No.

Oh, my God, my kids are gonna dance.

- No. Come on. - You can do this.

- Come on. - Oh, man.

Just show him how to dance, you know.

Okay.

This way you can smell the hair the right way.

- Come on, guys. Come on. - Come on.

Just do it. [laughs]

Smell her hair. Turn her around.

What? No.

- My hair smells great. - It's--[laughs]

We could do this thing that way.

- Oh, yeah? - And then you spin it back.

- Huh? How's that? - Look at that, huh?

Mind if I cut in?

[laughter]

[upbeat swing music]

♪ My darling, my darling ♪

♪ Our love will remain ♪

♪ ♪

I'm actually-- I'm going to rehab tomorrow.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What rehab are you going to?

Uh, I'm going to this one in the Berkshires.

Oh, Forest Point.

I've been there.

Ask for a room

on the north side of the men's ward.

The south side, there's dumpsters.

You'll hear the trash pickup, like, every Monday.

- It's awful. - Okay.

How's Poppy?

Yeah, well, that's why I wanted to see you,

- 'cause... - Oh, no.

I'm going away tomorrow, and...

You want me to take care of Poppy?

No, Poppy actually wanted me to take care of you

by getting rid of you.

He said I have to get rid of all my friends.

There's--I mean, there's no way that includes me.

You understand that, right?

I agree with him.

Get rid of your friends.

He means Derrick and Crillz...

and Crillz?

- He meant those people. - Oh.

The people you give opportunities to

who somehow blame you for them.

The people who have never started

an interesting conversation

anytime I've been around them.

I'm embarrassed. You're right.

Don't be embarrassed.

I get why it's fun to have them around.

When I was going through my worst time,

seeing your friends made me feel

like I was Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, about that,

I actually also really wanted to talk to you

about something that's kind of been bothering me.

You know--you know--

Okay, I am sorry

that I basically lied to you about my drug problem

and everything I was going through.

I knew I was hiding it from you.

It was on purpose.

I know you're, like, 29 now,

but I still feel some responsibility

as a older person

to make sure you're okay.

You're always in crisis.

The idea of calling you for a crisis of mine--

maybe it actually would have snapped you

out of your own bullshit.

It would have helped, honestly.

Yeah, I didn't think about that.

I'm so obsessed with my own life and problems.

Well, your life is fascinating.

Yeah, it is, actually.

I mean, I don't know what it's like to live it,

but goddamn, do we have fun watching it.

- It's--yeah. - It's a good time.

You know what it is?

I'm not even-- first of all, I--

it does bother me a little bit

that everybody thinks it's my fault.

And I understand why they do. Of course.

- And you can too. - Of course.

I mean, we do one update feature together,

and then my life completely changes.

There's theories online that we swapped souls.

- I've read all of them. - Yeah.

To the point where I was reading them

- and I was like, did I? - Did this happen?

Did this fucking happen?

We hug at the end, and that's when

people say the souls switch.

- Yes. - And your soul came into me

and made me, like, a degenerate drug addict.

Yeah, everyone thinks we "Freaky Friday'd."

- We "Freaky Friday'd." - We "Freaky Friday'd."

It makes a lot of sense.

I don't personally believe in the theory,

but it's well-researched and footnoted.

Well, you know what?

It doesn't even bother me that much.

What really bothers me is that you never--you never shared.

You never shared the drugs.

- What? - You never shared.

We could have so much fun.

It was a dark, harrowing elevator shaft of despair.

But you've never been cooler.

We were fucking 5 feet away in other dressing rooms,

and you were in there just wearing a suit,

just fucking doing blow.

That's awesome, dude.

It was not awesome.

It looked awesome.

You didn't see it.

You're imagining it.

Okay, well, how do I know now that you're good?

And how will I know-- how will I know?

How will I know that I'll be good?

Well, first off, how will you know for sure

that I'm not on drugs?

- Yeah. - You won't.

Now, in terms of you, Pete,

I worry about you to a level that I don't worry about you.

I have worried about you so much, so deeply,

for so many late nights

and then gone on my computer to see that you're courtside

with... fill in the blank.

Not just enjoying the game.

Laughing your ass off with them.

Yeah, it's a fun time.

And this is the same night you're texting me

that you want to leave the planet.

Yeah.

How many times have I seen you

just fall off a building and land on your feet

or into the arms of a Juicy sweats model?

I don't know, John, I think I just--

I think I just want, like, a regular type life.

What the fuck is that?

Like barbecues and baseball games and shit?

Yeah.

I don't think it's made for you.

People don't want it from you, first off,

and second, I don't think you want it.

You've done absolutely nothing to pursue it.

We're in comedy, okay?

You gotta be able to walk away from anything in your life

in 30 seconds flat

when you hear an offer around the corner.

That's why I got nothing tying me down.

You have a kid.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, there's so much I can't do.

It's great, though.

Look, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go to this rehab.

You'll stay-- what's the usual stay, 28 days?

You'll stay about six, seven days.

- Yeah. - You'll either leave

because they ask you to or because, I don't know,

they won't let you smoke in the hospital or something.

- Yeah. - Some disagreement.

You'll continue to be this bright, talented light

that seems in crisis

to everyone in the outside world.

We'll all take care of you.

And I'll continue to be this seemingly okay guy,

all buttoned up,

but inside having a fucking crisis all the time.

Well, John, I don't know how to do anything else.

Neither do I.

I don't much want to.

Neither do I.

[soft jazz band music]

♪ ♪

What are we doing here?

We're dancing.

I figured I'd take you dancing.

Well, Poppy thought I should do it.

Okay.

For the record, you have not been the same

since you got back from Canada.

And that was a really long time ago.

No, I know, I know, but...

I'm gonna fix it, though.

I'm gonna, you know, go away and get my shit together.

I'm taking it serious, for real.

Right?

Can we finish this conversation first?

If you want to finish this conversation,

you gotta dance.

- Word? - Yeah, you brought me here.

Fair.

[light tango music]

♪ ♪

You know, I'm going to rehab tomorrow.

What makes you think

this time is gonna be any different?

'Cause I'm gonna take it seriously.

♪ ♪

I've heard that before.

Yeah, well, in the past,

I've only gone for, like, other people,

and historically, that doesn't work.

But now I'm gonna go for myself, you know,

'cause I hit rock bottom.

Isn't that great?

Nice socks.

Thanks, they're duckies. [laughs]

You know, I really want to believe you.

- You do? - Yeah.

You should.

♪ ♪

You know I care about you way too much

to see you get in your own way again.

Yeah.

I know you can fix this.

Well, you just gotta promise me one thing.

What?

If I do this and it doesn't work out,

then I get to kill myself,

and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Okay. Yeah, for sure. Deal.

You're just cool with that?

I cared the first 100 times you said shit like that,

and now it just feels like the way you end conversations.

Fair.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah?

♪ ♪

[rain pattering]

Sorry.

Uh, just, uh...

Not--not--not--not like this.

Should probably wait till I get back.

- Right now? - Yeah.

You're gonna choose this moment--

this is gonna be the moment you're gonna change?

- I know. - Right now?

My cock wants to punch me in the face.

I'm so wet.

- Ugh! - Oh... I know.

Believe me, I don't want to.

- Like, I wore--I wore a suit. - [groans]

I know. You look nice in the suit.

- Really? - Yeah.

You look like Mr. Smith.

- Like Mr. Smith? - Yeah.

Oh, that's what I was going for.

- Look, no, I-- - [sighs]

I just...

I thought a lot about what you said the other day,

and you're right.

It's not fair to do that to a person.

And I'm sorry. I...

Obviously, we should be together.

I know that.

It's like, you're great.

You're so funny. You're so smart.

Can't even believe you talk to me,

'cause I'm such a fucking idiot, right?

And we have so much fun together.

But I think that's why

it, like, freaks me out a lot, 'cause...

I wouldn't want to lose that.

I'd be so fucking hurt

if I blew it, you know?

And if I don't take care of myself

and get my shit together, I'll just fuck this up.

And I don't want to fuck this up.

So could I just be a gentleman

and walk you to your door?

- I'm proud of you. - Thanks.

I'll be jerking off in my car once I drop you off.

- All right. Yeah. - Yeah, same.

[both laugh]

Okay.

- Thank you. - You know what?

I think I changed my mind.

- Nope, too late. - Fuck!

[soft music]

[indistinct singing]

♪ ♪

Hey. Got your bag.

Thanks.

You know, I'm really happy that you're--

you're gonna get the help that you need.

I know I might not say this a lot,

and I know it's probably fucking hell working for me.

I can't imagine.

[laughing] Fuck, that must be rough.

- No, it's-- - I mean, just--

I know you just genuinely care about me,

and I really appreciate it.

Don't think that I take it for granted, you know?

I mean, I may not know your girlfriend's name.

- I am sorry. - It's, uh, Lizzie.

- Lizzie? Oh. - Yeah.

I think I'm gonna propose to her.

Oh, really?

Sorry I won't be able to make it to the wedding,

but I'm really proud and happy for you

that you found someone, 'cause you deserve that.

We haven't-- we haven't set a date yet.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to make it.

I just--I really appreciate everything you do for me, man.

I just--I love you, man.

You know, like a brother.

Like, you are my brother.

And I'm rambling.

I just...

just, yeah, this.

Want you to have that, so...

Oh, it's the gift card

that your agent got you last week.

Yeah, it's Carbone.

- Yeah. - And I know you love Carbone.

I really wanted you to have it.

Yeah, I think I used most of this

when we ordered delivery the other day, but--

You could at least get the focaccia.

- Yeah, focaccia's good. - The focaccia.

It's so fun to bring a date.

You could bring Leslie there.

- Lizzie. - Lizzie.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I really love you, man.

And I really--

I love working with you.

"For." You work for me.

And same.

Okay.

Please don't die.

That's it.

Whoa, what's going on here, gay boys?

[laughs] Pete, you wanted to talk, my G?

Yeah, just, uh, take a seat.

I'll be with you in a sec.

All right.

What's up, Ev?

Look, man, this isn't--

this isn't easy for me to do, okay?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

It's over, bro.

Party's over.

What?

I gotta get help, bro.

I gotta get help.

I gotta make a fucking real change in my life.

And I can't be doing that if you're still around.

I'm sorry if I did something.

You don't have to be sorry.

You did nothing wrong.

In fact, you didn't do anything much at all.

I don't regret the time we had.

I look back on it fondly, and I will forever.

Even when you're gone.

Hall of Fame run, my G.

We fucking did that shit, man.

Yeah. We did.

We did that shit, you know?

I mean, I--I did it, but you watched.

Can I have a shot?

My G.

Cheers.

Ah, nice.

I best be off to rehab now, huh?

Yeah, man.

Take care, Crilly.

You too, my G.

Thanks.

[soft music]

Let me know if you need anything.

I won't.

♪ ♪

And we're rolling. [bell rings]

Camera mark. [board clacks]

I have been wanting to do this for a long time.

♪ ♪

Go for it.

[gunshot]

[laughs]

I missed the fucking--

[laughter] Should I do it again?

Cut. [bell rings]

♪ ♪

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