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[dramatic music]

[yawning]

Reason for visiting?

[clears throat] Work.

Can you please take off your sunglasses?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

How long will you be staying?

I don't know.

Where are you staying?

No idea.

Any drugs, alcohol, or merchandise

of $10,000 in value?

No.

[muffled Christmas music]

♪ ♪

Hey, how's the air-conditioning?

It's great, thank you.

Would you like any music?

Oh, no. I'm cool. I'm going to use my headphones.

You can hook up your, uh, Bluetooth to my speaker.

Uh, it's all good, thanks.

* I wanna double park on that booty, baby ♪

I gotta tell you, we have never had a celebrity

this big in the car before.

[muffled speech]

* What you mean I can't touch it? ♪

[thumping electronic music]

♪ I wanna double park on that booty, baby ♪

[announcers speaking French]

[sighs]

[groans]

[spray can hisses]

I can't believe we have to do this during Christmas.

This is so fucked up.

I mean, the whole thing, but this too.

Yeah.

My family's celebrating without me, but that's every year.

[sighs] Yeah.

To think what he was doing in that trailer under all

our noses, just lying--

[Ilkay Sencan's "DO IT"]

♪ Lick, lick, lick it now ♪

- * Do, do, do it ♪ - [coughs]

♪ Lick, lick, lick it now ♪

♪ Do, do, do it ♪

♪ Lick, lick, lick it now ♪

♪ Do, do, do it ♪

♪ Lick, lick, lick it now ♪

[muffled] Pete?

Oh, fuck.

Fuck!

Don't do that sh...

- Sorry. - That's OK.

- Sorry. - Hi.

- Pete. - Oh, yeah.

Hi, I'm Monica.

I'm the second AD.

I'll be your liaison for the rest of the shoot.

"I'm sorry in advance." [chuckles]

That's Rodney Dangerfield.

Do it all the time. Nice to meet you.

Uh--

* Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss ♪

♪ All you ladies pop your pussy like this ♪

♪ Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it ♪

Hey, all done?

Yeah.

So everything's closed for the holidays right now,

and crafty's pretty much all frozen pizza and gum.

But if you want slightly better pizza,

there's a bowling alley nearby, so I could--

Cool.

I just--I can't wait to do a scene with Brad Pitt.

- Oh, totally. - Yeah.

We got you a whole new trailer.

It's from a different production.

I'll grab you when there's, um--so--soon.

- OK. All right. - Yeah. A little bit.

Yeah. Relax.

OK.

[sighs]

I got to see-- [phone ringing]

- Hello? - Hey, Poppy.

How you doing?

Sorry if I'm calling early or late.

I don't know what time zone I'm on.

Hey, there's my grandson.

What's going on?

You caught me in the middle of a card game with the guys.

Say hi to everybody. Here.

Hello, Peter.

Thank God you're calling.

I think your Poppy needs a loan.

- Where are you? - I'm in the hospital.

Fucking chemo takes forever,

so I thought I'd make a few dollars while I'm here.

So I'm playing cards.

That's--that's good.

It's good you're doing the chemo.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you think so.

According to the Internet, I'm fucked.

And, uh, nobody here is letting me win anything.

I respect you too much for that.

Yeah, sure.

Well, I'm shooting this Vietnam movie.

It's pretty cool.

I'm replacing this actor, because he, like,

fucked up or something, so they're going to CGI

my face onto, like, his body or some shit, I don't know.

But I'm doing a scene with Brad Pitt.

Isn't that cool?

Ooh, he's working with "Moneyball."

Yeah, yeah.

I'm, uh, I'm really stoked about it.

I mean, this is like, the first time I get to do real drama.

Hello, hello.

Hi.

Oh, my God, an angel just walked in here.

Your beautiful sister just walked in here.

Uh-oh, she's checking all my stuff, the nurse.

How you feeling, Poppy?

[chuckling] I'm feeling OK.

How many patients thought they died when they opened

their eyes and saw this one?

- Most of them, yeah. - Peter, I better go.

Have fun in Vietnam.

All right, bye.

Bye.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

He's dead.

Hi, Brad. I'm Pete.

Somebody's gonna have to tell that kid--

Brad, hey. Hey, Brad. I'm Pete.

Hey, Brad.

I don't have a home.

♪ ♪

Somebody forgot to log out.

Hope you like "Brokeback Mountain."

There's a "Look Who's Talking 4?"

Whole cast is back. Holy shit.

Mm. "Everybody Loves Raymond."

And another purchase for Sebastian Stan.

[school bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, hey.

You got any big plans for winter break?

No, not really. How about you?

Jeff's family's coming to stay with us,

so I'm inventing different illnesses

to get out of game night.

I'm thinking Lyme's disease.

I don't know. It'd be nice to have company.

Pete's in Canada shooting a movie.

I have not heard from him once since he left.

I'm sure he's just busy.

Hey, how's your dad?

You know, he's doing really well with the chemo,

thank God.

His appetite's a little weird.

I'm hoping he's going to make it to Christmas dinner.

I'm making all this food.

It's going to end up being just me and Casey, you know,

which is fine.

It's not really the Christmas I am used to, but--

You need to get out of the house.

Why don't you come play basketball with us?

What?

Just jump onto a team?

What--I can't do that. It's been years.

It's 40 and up basketball for women

who have nothing else to do.

Half of them throw foul shots underhand.

You'd be LeBron out there.

I don't know.

I mean, I hung up my sneaks a long time ago.

Come on.

You can bring the snacks.

- Let me check my schedule. - [chuckles]

All right, yes.

This is where the magic happens.

Come on in.

Big butt, wow.

Hot set, so just be careful. Don't touch that.

Holy shit.

Can I get you anything, or--

No, I'm in heaven.

This is fucking sick.

All right. And Pete has landed.

Oh, my goodness.

Cool. So where's JJ?

Oh! He's, uh, right here for you.

Oh, hi.

- You're on an iPad. - Pete, hey.

Thanks so much for filling in, especially this time of year.

I cannot thank you enough.

You're not just a hero in the movie; you're a hero to me.

Yeah, we couldn't get anyone else.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, thanks, man.

I'm--I'm just happy to be here, so--

Uh-- you haven't, uh,

read the new pages, have you?

No, I didn't--he didn't--

It's OK, it's all-- we've cleaned it up.

We've pared it down really well.

It's really--it's great.

It's--it's much better now, I think.

You'll see.

Uh, you--you die in the first 10 minutes.

Really? I die?

Because I thought the story was about a platoon,

and it was true, and it was about how

they survived all these, like, miraculous situations--

Chinese chicken salad, thank you.

Uh, that's true.

But I think the other thing, though,

is that it's really important for the movie,

like, for the integrity of the film, uh, the surprise factor.

It's like, audience is sitting down.

The first 10 minutes, they're not expecting a thing.

Then, boom!

Pete Davidson's head just pops off like a Roman candle.

It's going to blow people's minds.

We have good effects for that, really good VFX.

Cool, but like, what-- what about my arc?

Listen, I--I hear you. Everyone wants an arc.

Uh, the truth is I asked my kids,

you know, who do they want to see die in the movie?

They said you.

I think it's going to work great, I'm telling you.

I guess. Yeah.

Um, cool. Well, yeah.

Uh--you know, again, I'm just--

I'm just really happy to be here.

I mean, I can't believe I'm doing a scene with Brad Pitt.

Yeah. I got to go, I got to go.

It's going to be great, buddy.

Thank you so much.

- [line beeps] - Uh, bye.

Um, I was just--

OK, I'll get him-- I'll get him later.

[exhales] Cool. Is he here?

I--we're doing the Brad scene now, right?

Uh, yes.

We are shooting that scene now, exactly.

Yeah.

- That's cool. - [chuckles]

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

Brad.

♪ ♪

Nice to meet you.

- You're not Brad. - Devon Leech, Brad's guy.

[chuckles] Nice to meet you too, man.

Where's Brad?

Brad isn't coming, actually.

It's OK, you're in good hands.

I've been working with him since "World War Z."

Every time you only see the back

of his head, that's all Leech.

Check this out.

Devon, "Moneyball."

Devon Leech, Cliff Booth,

"Once Upon a Time in Hollywood."

Wow.

Yeah, actually, I totally see it.

It confuses me, man.

I'm in therapy about it.

So is he, um-- is he not coming?

There was a schedule change. Sorry, yeah.

So you're going to be working with Devon instead.

The producers let Brad spend Christmas with his family.

And you'll still be on the screen with him, of course.

And see him at the premiere, maybe.

Maybe?

I'll be there. I got you, bro.

Yeah, that's great. That's great.

It's going to be fun.

We'll just-- we'll get this started,

and we'll just--yeah, we'll--let's get--

let's get you on your marks.

Whoo!

Let's do this!

Last looks on Leech.

And action!

Sorry, grunt.

My job is to get you home.

Home?

I stopped having a home the day I watched Roberts

get gutted like a fish.

God damn it, Finnerty!

Don't you dare tell me what home is!

This is our home now!

[whispering] Is he doing Downey?

Roberts had a kid!

Somebody's going to have to tell that kid

that his daddy is dead.

Someone's going to have to say, your dad, he's dead!

[phone ringing]

Hi, Pete!

How are you?

It's so nice to hear your voice.

How is Brad?

- Is he dreamy? - Hey, Ma.

How's Poppy doing?

You know, he's-- he's all right.

He's cranky.

He just, uh, called the TV a word that we're not

supposed to say anymore, because he couldn't find, um,

"It's a Wonderful Life."

And I told you that Borgnine ate

all the Christmas decorations.

I was able to replace them on Amazon Prime overnight.

Casey!

Come put this on the front door.

Oh, honey. I wish you were here.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's reshoots.

So it's not like I have a fucking choice, you know.

Oh, I know.

Just, uh-- I don't know how many more,

uh, Christmases we're going to get with Poppy,

- you know? - Yeah, I know, all right?

You don't gotta guilt trip me, you know?

There's nothing I can do about it.

I'm fucking stuck in Canada with nobody I even like.

No offense.

No, I'm--I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

I'm just saying that, you know, we miss you.

We wish you were here. That's all.

I got to go. I got to go. I'm at work.

I'll call you later.

OK. I love you, honey. Bye.

[line beeps]

[sighs]

Hey, how much longer for the neck pussy, huh?

- 10 minutes, ish. - All right, cool.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, all right?

Oh, really?

Um--well, as soon as he's done,

we're going to need you on set.

We're moving.

Cool.

I'll just--I'll just take a break, then.

All right, cool. I'll be back.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

[bowling pins clattering]

♪ ♪

Yo.

Whoa.

You're--you're Pete Davidson.

What are you doing here?

[stammers]

Are you on vacation?

Sure.

Do you want to bowl?

No.

Are you here for the arcade?

Uh, do you want some pizza?

Listen, you guys. I need some drugs.

Like now, OK?

I'm really fucked up, all right?

I'm out here doing a war movie. The director's on the iPad.

They tell me Brad Pitt's going to be in it, and he's not.

It's Devon Leech!

- Who's Devon Leech? - Exactly!

It looks exactly like Brad Pitt, but it's not!

And I'm all fucked up and alone, and my grandpa's dying,

and all my friends won't answer my fucking phone calls,

and I would just really appreciate it

if either one of you had anything.

Bro, we got you.

All right.

The fuck is this, Nesquik?

- Just smoke it like weed. - You sure?

We're working at a bowling alley on Christmas.

We take getting high very seriously.

- [phone ringing] - Good answer.

Hold on a second.

What's up, dick?

Hey, where are you, man?

They're, like, freaking out that you're not on set.

I'm fine, man.

I'm at a bowling alley with my friends.

Wait, are you there to buy drugs?

Yeah.

I wouldn't have to do this shit if you were here.

I--I know.

I'm just, like, in the middle of, like, Christmas

with Lizzie's family right now, you know?

Dude, break out. Fuck that shit.

Just--just leave.

Just come hang out with me in Canada, man.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I really can't.

I'm--I'm in a, like, very Hallmark situation.

Dude. Just come, man.

Just hop on a flight. We'll have fun.

We could bowl and have pizza, I guess.

Man, it is like so Christmas over here,

and her dad keeps calling me son.

I'm in deep, man.

- I'm in really deep. - Whatever, man.

Merry Christmas. Fucking...

Pete? [line beeps]

Shit.

So what happened to your neck?

I got shot.

- Oh. - Damn.

Hey, thanks, guys. Merry Christmas.

Pete Davidson's on the brown stuff.

[laughter]

[spits]

[sighs] Fuck.

[groans, coughs]

[Jimmy Soul's "If You Wanna Be Happy"]

* If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life ♪

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife ♪

♪ So for my personal point of view ♪

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you ♪

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life ♪

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife ♪

♪ So for my personal point of view ♪

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you ♪

♪ A pretty woman makes her man look small ♪

♪ And very often causes his downfall ♪

♪ As soon as he marries her ♪

♪ Then she starts doing the things ♪

♪ That will break his heart ♪

♪ But if you make an ugly woman your wife ♪

♪ You'll be happy for the rest of your life ♪

♪ An ugly woman cooks meals on time ♪

♪ She'll always give you peace of mind ♪

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life ♪

[music stops]

How you doing, Dad? You need anything?

No, I got everything I need.

- Feel great, thanks. - Good, good.

It's a lot of food for three people.

I know. It's a very special Christmas.

If there's leftovers, maybe we should

take it to a food bank tomorrow.

- Oh-- - Well, that's a nice idea.

You reminded me, I gotta-- gotta take a plate downstairs.

Mom, Pete's not here.

Oh, I know.

But, uh, the boys are downstairs watching a movie.

- Probably starving to death. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You mean these guys still come and hang out downstairs,

- even when he's not here? - Yeah.

I'm just going to bring them a plate,

might give them a little something to nibble on.

No, you're not. Come and sit down.

You know, boys got to eat. It's Christmas.

- You got to eat. - I am. I'm eating.

You already gave them shelter.

What, do you want to feed them, too?

Give me your hands.

We'll think about Peter, hope he's OK.

And everything's good?

- Yeah. OK. - OK. Let's eat.

To my big brother George, the richest man in town.

[all cheering]

all: * Should auld acquaintance ♪

♪ Be forgot and never ♪

Fuck yeah, Clarence. Get those wings, baby.

all: * Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And days of auld lang syne? ♪

What's that?

[line trilling]

This is Nikki. Leave a message.

Look, Daddy! Teacher says...

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

[coughs]

Yo, shut up, bro. Pete's calling.

Hey, Pete!

What's up there, movie star man?

Hey.

Are--are you guys all in the basement?

Oh, we're just having a little holiday shindig.

Cannabis-mas, you know how it is.

- You know the drill. - Cannabis-mas?

You're doing Cannabis-mas without me?

But I, like, invented it.

So you invented smoking weed on Christmas?

Is that Peter?

Hey. Hi, Mom.

- Mama D here-- - Oh.

- Merry Christmas, sweet pea. - With--with the good food.

I wish you were here, honey. I got all your favorite things.

I made the little turkey sandwiches

- with the honey mustard. - Mmm.

I got your rainbow cookies.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah. Those are my favorite.

I wish I was there, but I'm not. Heh.

Ma, you know, if you feed these guys, they won't leave.

Celebrating baby Jesus,

having cannolis with the Davidsons.

- Don't get no better than this. - All right, guys, enjoy.

There's a lot more upstairs if you want it.

Goodbye, honey. I love you.

- Thank you, Mama D. - Thank you, Mama.

- You're welcome. - Bye, Ma.

Well, uh--why don't you guys just come here?

I'll fly you guys all out.

Nah, I'm stuck in the city till New Year's.

You know my mama don't fuck around with Christmas season.

I would love to be there for you,

but I don't want to.

I don't fuck with Canada, and Canada don't fuck with me.

It's actually pretty cool here.

They have their own theme song.

Mm-hmm. Stay strong there, bruh.

Work smarter, not harder, so we don't have to.

Long live Pete Davidson.

[scatting]

- [line beeps] - [scatting]

[sighs]

[grunts]

[choking, grunts]

[dramatic music plays]

♪ ♪

I see you chose to enter the saloon,

instead of not entering the saloon.

That's right.

And I have a card in my hand--

the ace of spades.

He made it?

He actually did it. Holy shit.

What a coincidence.

Ace, Spade.

Where did you find it, that card that's your name?

Maybe I should go home to my wife.

Do I even have a wife?

Maybe I should stay, because I play cards good.

Superman plays cards good.

You play cards well.

Well.

both: Well, well, well.

[head thumps]

- How you feeling? - I'm kind of nervous.

I haven't done this in a long time.

Oh, it'll be good for you.

This is a great place to put all your energy.

We leave it all on the floor.

What does that mean?

I mean, just look at Lisa.

Yeah, I heard her husband cheated on her with the doula.

I know. Look at her now.

- [whistle tweets] - All right, ladies.

Let's get this going.

Lisa, we're starting.

[exhales] [joints cracking]

[grunts]

Did she just crack her pussy?

[knock at door]

[coughing]

What?

Housekeeping.

Fuck.

So sorry about that.

[indistinct shouting]

- Ready, go! - Over here!

Here, here! Over here!

Get off me!

[grunts]

Yeah! Yeah!

Take that! Take that!

Yes, let's go! Let's go!

Are you OK? You're bleeding.

- Do you need a minute? - No.

I'm going to destroy that bitch.

Let's go!

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Everybody clear out.

Iso! Iso!

♪ ♪

[aggressive grunting] Come on.

♪ Make shit impossible ♪

♪ Night and day... ♪

Ahh!

♪ ♪

Boom!

♪ ♪

This is why I do this. This is why I do this.

Good job, ladies. Let's go!

[soft pensive music]

♪ ♪

[coughs]

Oh, hello.

- Hey. - Hey.

You made it.

Did you get some sleep?

I was thinking about sleeping.

But I did so many drugs, I thought maybe I shouldn't,

because I would probably die.

Yeah.

OK.

Let's just get you cleaned up.

You know, they say you, uh, never, uh,

work a day in your life if you love what you do.

So--so I love you.

I'll get you some coffee.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

That was fun today.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

Did you see my dunk?

Yeah, man.

You really took it to the hole.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had to call for the iso.

Good one.

Welcome to the South Island Handmaids.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I couldn't get the tape back,

which I know sounds like bad news

but actually is good news.

Because if that tape existed,

we wouldn't be able to get married again.

[laughter]

[muffled chatter]

♪ ♪

[knock at door] [door clicks]

Dad?

No, it's Ray.

How you doing, buddy?

- What are you doing here? - Talk to me, man.

What's going on?

OK, Ray Romano.

Well, um, I'm all alone here during Christmas,

and nobody seems to care.

And my Poppy is dying, and he's pretending like he's OK.

But we all know he isn't.

That's a shame. Yeah.

Hey, you mind if I, uh,

pick through this Joan's on Third basket?

Yeah, help yourself.

Yeah, I mean, uh, grandpas...

they give you a little bit of wisdom,

and then they die, all right?

That's what they do.

But you still got your mother, right?

You got your sister--

to a lesser extent, your friends.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

I just--I feel really pathetic

and, like, a loser, and maybe--

maybe everyone's just better off without me.

Maybe they are, but you shouldn't focus on that.

You're doing great.

You're taking drugs to make yourself feel better, right?

Here's what you need to do.

Fuck your way out of it.

If you take anything from this conversation,

it's that you should get yourself sucked.

- Yeah, sure. - You got the drugs, right?

You got the bowling alley drugs?

You got the ketamine? What's it called, ketamine?

Yeah, but I don't want to end up in a K hole.

I don't know what that is.

But you got to fall into a butthole,

is what you got to do.

Come on, man.

Kills me to see you fucking like this.

You know what your problem is? You don't got any problems.

You're too smart. You're too funny.

You're fucking-- you're too good at everything.

You should write a book. I'd read that book.

Just fuck everything.

You ain't getting any younger, man.

Come on. You got that big dick, right?

You're like pussy Thanos.

Just get out there and fuck, man.

The luckiest man... [laughter]

On the face of the Earth.

- What the fuck? - 3, 2, 1.

[wire snaps]

[grunts]

- Wait a sec. - 2--

- Hang on. - 1.

[wire snaps]

[groans]

- 1. - Fuck!

[grunting]

Cut! [bell rings]

Fuck! Thanks, boys.

And that's a wrap on Pete Davidson.

- Whoa. Wrap? - Yeah.

I thought it was, like, six days.

Great job. No, it's been two weeks.

Oh.

It was great working with you.

- You, too. - Yeah.

Uh, what's your name?

Uh, Monica.

Monica.

Monica, yeah.

So, uh, on the next one, right?

I love you.

All of you, I love-- I love all of you.

- Good luck. - All right.

Thank--OK.

[synth music, clock ticking]

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas, Pete Davidson.

♪ ♪

I give him six months.

♪ ♪

Thanks, man.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Thanks for bringing my credit card.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I've been here for, like, three hours.

How's, uh--uh...

what's--what's her face?

- Oh, Lizzie. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's great. It's been, like, five years.

I can't, uh, wait for you to meet her.

Pete!

Oh, no.

Hi.

It stops now.

What?

I know what's going on.

What are you talking about, Sebastian Stan?

Shh! No more talking.

Only listening, OK?

Because I'm only going to say this once.

It stops now.

Dude, you left your account logged in the trailer.

I'm a fan.

It's just-- this is what happens.

Of course I'm going to use it.

You bought 112 individual episodes

of "Everybody Loves Raymond." That's stupid!

Why don't you just bundle it?

Why don't you fucking stream it, for fuck's sake?

It's streaming on Peacock. It's streaming on the Cock!

You are what we call a daddy.

Such a daddy.

You're crazy.

I never do this,

but do you think I'd be able to get a selfie?

- [squeals] - Hey!

That's my best friend!

Oh, shit.

[grunts]

- [patrons gasp] - Oh, come on.

Oh, snap!

That's motherfucking Bucky Barnes!

Winter Soldier.

♪ ♪

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