Original subtitles

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[dramatic tone]

[soft rustling]

[phone chimes]

What?

[sighs]

[line trilling]

The number you dialed is not in ser--

[exhales] [line trilling]

The mailbox is full and cannot accept

any messages at this ti--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

[tense music building]

Oh, my God. [sobbing]

Oh, my God, Peter!

[screaming]

[alarm beeps]

[upbeat pop music playing]

[gasps]

* I'm just looking for a higher love ♪

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

* Looking for a higher love ♪

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Mm, fuck.

[upbeat percussive music]

[grunts] Fuck.

♪ ♪

Morning, ladies.

Uh, do you guys have a phone charger?

My phone died.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

[phone chiming]

What the fuck?

Am I dead?

♪ ♪

Look, Ma. I can tell you're a little upset.

- I'm sorry. - A little upset?

Peter, I thought you were dead.

Yeah, well, I'm not, okay?

So we should all be grateful, all right?

- I just don't understand how somebody could put

a story like this on the Internet,

and nobody does anything about it.

Yeah, I don't get it, either, Ma, okay?

But there's nothing I can do about it, so--

God, I'm still shaking.

I'm having my first cigarette in 20 years.

Nothing like the first one back.

It wasn't any of my cigarettes, right?

'Cause my cigarettes are not cigarettes.

We've talked about this.

Shit, Ma. I--I gotta go.

Peter, what could possibly

be more important than this right now?

I'm saving the planet.

Wait, Peter--

Electricity is now cheaper than any electricity

that can be made from fossil fuels.

[phone chimes]

[applause]

Dude, what the fuck? They're still using the photo.

I hate this fucking picture. Why do people keep using it?

Ugh, I know.

I think they got it from Wikipedia.

Like, don't we have somebody on this?

- Can't somebody remove this? - Yeah, yeah.

He--he did, but someone keeps putting it back up there.

Can you get it removed?

This is fuckin' embarrassing, okay?

I know. I'm sorry.

Hey, one more round of applause for Jon Stewart.

[applause]

Oh, my God!

- My boy. - How are they?

Don't mention global warming. They're very touchy.

I'd like to thank my friend Jon Stewart

for being able to talk about rising sea levels,

and somehow, amazingly,

turn it into hilarious shtick. [light laughter]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I am extremely happy to announce he's alive and well.

Please welcome Pete Davidson.

[applause]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

Thanks, man.

Hey, Al. Uh, sorry about all the fake death business.

Oh, Wu-Tang.

Hi, guys.

Uh, thank you so much for having me.

Thanks to Al, and Jon Stewart.

It is awesome to be here, uh, for the environment, and--

Uh--

[whispering] what the fuck is that?

[scoffs] [crowd murmuring]

Uh, there's a--

I--I have a troll.

[chuckles]

That's an icebreaker.

And speaking of icebreakers--

[exhales] Fuck.

So who keeps putting the picture back up?

Some guy with the username ImAScatMan76.

I fucking love that song.

Get it removed, okay? This is embarrassing.

- I'm on it. - Look at that picture.

Jon looks ten years younger than me.

- Peter! - Stew!

Huh! Huh!

So glad you're alive.

- I think Gore's drunk. - Wow.

Yeah. I can't tell if it's a Southern thing,

or if he's just fucking hammered.

- Yeah, he's shitfaced. - Yeah.

- Doesn't recycle, either. - Really?

Yeah. Fucking guy.

Man, all this shit, man, I--

we gotta talk, man. I think--I think it's time.

I think you gotta throw your hat in the ring.

It's time-- it's time to run for president.

[laughs]

Yeah, I--I don't think that's gonna happen.

Come on, Stew. Right, Evan?

The world's in fucking crisis, dude.

- Yeah. - It's dogshit out there.

We're fucked, man. You gotta run.

I mean, if you don't, Jon, I'm gonna have to.

Yeah, I don't--

I don't think you should do that.

How old do you have to be?

See, that's--right there.

[scoffs]

Why, are you, like--

are you afraid I won't win, or something? [chuckles]

Yeah, that's not what I'm afraid of.

Listen, I--I gotta go.

- Okay. - I've got a world to run.

You know, we control a lot of this shit.

Don't tell anybody that.

Just, like, media and finance and shit.

- Yeah, yeah. - And government.

Sure.

Clothing.

Atmosphere.

Jews.

Don't fuck with us.

All of you, half of me.

Don't run for president.

Please stop telling him no.

It only makes him wanna run more.

It's my anniversary.

Can I borrow your cock?

Okay, so he said we could donate all this stuff.

Jesus.

I haven't, uh, heard from you in a while.

How is Pete?

Oh, yeah. He's--he's good.

We've just been, like, super busy on the road.

And, um, yeah, I was just--

it was, like, my girlfriend's birthday, so--

Oh, it seems like ever since you started dating her,

you've been distracted.

It's been like, six years.

Just remember, Evan, nothing is as important as family.

Yeah. Hey, um, Amy, I think I'm--

I'm ready. Like, I--

I think I'm gonna propose to Lizzie.

No, I meant our family.

You know, which I consider you a part of.

You wanna get engaged?

Peter was engaged once.

I don't know if you heard about how that turned out.

Do you want a song written about you?

And the worst part is, I like the song, you know?

It's like an earworm. It's got a very catchy hook.

Anyway, as a part of the family,

I expect you to take your job seriously.

Oh, I--I take it really seriously.

I mean, I was literally up all night

taking down the stupid picture, like, over and over again.

[ominous music]

What picture?

You could look at it like this.

You're like Tom Sawyer getting to see his own funeral, right?

'Cause I imagine a lot of-- a lot of old friends

reached out, and they were happy to see

that you were alive.

So that must have felt good, right?

No. Not really.

I mean, it was awful.

Like, my mom had a full fuckin' panic attack.

Oof. I'm sorry to hear that.

Dr. Rossi, can you imagine being my mom?

You find out your son dies, and then you go online

and you read the news, and this is the picture they use?

Huh? Look at that.

Squinting like an idiot.

Right, but Pete,

this isn't really about the photograph, right?

This is about a lack of control over the situation.

I get really fuckin' mad at things I can't control.

I get upset 'cause, you know, I try to do nice things.

Like, I do a climate change thing,

and I wanna feel good.

And then people online are just like,

"Oh, Pete's a cokehead. Pete's on coke."

You know, 'cause I move my jaw when I get nervous.

And I wasn't even on coke, you know?

That's why I get so upset.

If I was on coke, I'd be like, wow, good job.

You--good eye, you know?

But I wasn't on coke, you know what I'm saying?

Uh, right. But Pete, are you on coke?

N-now? No.

Like, if you came to me like, "Yo, did you--do you do coke?"

I'd be like, no. But like,

if someone's like, "You wanna do a bump?"

- I'd be like, yeah. - Okay, okay.

- I am not on cocaine... - Okay.

- Right now. - [mutters indistinctly]

okay, as long as you're not on it now.

Or too much.

Well, Pete, like, look-- [clears throat]

People are gonna attack public figures.

You know that they are.

They're not gonna stop, right?

And you don't lead a quiet life, do you?

[sighs] I'm, like, a sensitive guy.

And I've told people how sensitive I am

and what I struggle with,

and yet, they still fuck with me,

and I don't get it, you know?

It's--I'm sorry, man.

- This is stupid. - No, it's not stupid.

My advice?

Stop actively looking for things to upset you.

If you're gonna keep going online

just to feel sorry for yourself,

then whose problem is that, Pete?

That's your problem, all right?

Don't blame other people for that.

Take some control over your life.

Yeah.

Yeah, take control. Just don't go on the Internet.

Don't look at the picture. Fuck the picture.

Just pretend the photo doesn't exist.

Thanks, Dr. Rossi.

Nice to see you smiling, pal.

That makes me happy.

I got you penciled in here, pal.

See you next week, buddy.

I want to major in artificial meat.

But not, like, the chemistry of it,

but, like, the marketing of it.

Like, watch this.

The Unbelievaburger.

Yeah.

You guys are good with computers, right?

Yeah, I guess.

How do you find out who somebody is online?

Do you like, track their IP address or something?

Oh, you don't need to do any of that CIA shit.

Most people use the same username for different sites.

So sometimes you can just, like, follow the trail.

All right, can you help me find ImAScatMan76?

[mellow music]

[dogs barking]

♪ ♪

This is what it's all about, Peter.

Look how nice this is, huh?

Everything else in the whole world is bullshit.

It's really nice. Thanks for bringing me out here.

You're not supposed to smoke here.

What?

You're not supposed to smoke here.

What are you, a fuckin' forest ranger?

This is the planet Earth, pal.

We're outside.

Don't you have a fuckin' job or something to do

instead of breaking balls?

Get the fuck out of here.

Mind your fuckin' business.

Unbelievable.

What the fuck is that? Are we on "Candid Camera"?

Did they bring that show back?

[sighs]

I've been meaning to say something to you,

'cause you're acting more and more mopey

all the time, like you're not enjoying yourself or nothing.

- What's up? - Yeah, I had a--

I had a weird week.

Because of the fake death bullshit?

- Yeah. - I mean, I'm actually dying,

- so I-- - No, I know. I'm sorry.

- I know. - I didn't say it for that.

No, I know. I just--it's not just that.

There's also this guy that keeps

stalking me and harassing me,

and I don't know what to do about it.

I could tell you what to do about it.

We'll go get Roy, and we'll go see this guy

and have a talk to him, that's all.

Fuck, all right, take it easy.

You can't just do that, all right?

I'll get fuckin' sued.

Plus, I already talked to my therapist about it.

He said it's just best to leave it alone.

- Your therapist? - Yeah.

You pay this fuckin' guy. I can't believe it.

Someone has to listen.

He tells you just forget about it.

You don't forget about it.

I just don't know why people fuck with me, Pop.

Why won't they leave me alone?

- You don't know why? - No.

Peter, look. See that big dog over there?

- Yeah. - Well, look at the little dog

yipping at him.

And the big dog's doing nothing.

- You know why? - 'Cause he's scared?

No, he's not scared.

He knows if he lets out one roar,

he'll ruin that fuckin' little puppy's day.

That thing will fuckin' go scatter,

and he's liable to have a heart attack.

He's gonna run like a fuckin' rabbit.

You know what I mean, big dog?

Be the big dog.

Don't let people shit on you and make you miserable.

I don't fucking like it.

Fight back, Peter. Fight back.

You're a fighter. It's in our blood.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

You're right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em.

I'm gonna fucking do something about this.

I hope you do, Peter.

You're the best. I love you.

- I'll see you later. - Go kick ass.

- I will. - My boy.

all: Ohh!

Ah, it's like real-life "Fruit Ninja."

- [laughs] - Try the watermelon.

- [all exclaim] - Whoo!

All right.

Someone throw me a fuckin' pumpkin.

- No! - Whoa, whoa.

- No. - Respect.

Hey, Dave, why don't you get your Klingon sword?

All right.

Once again, Pete, this is a glaive, not a bat'leth.

Have you ever seen a titty before?

Oh, fuck.

What?

I think your mom might have found Scatman.

Really? What?

Gimme the--gimme!

The fuck?

Dave, gimme your Klingon sword!

♪ ♪

- Shit. Shit. - So you just

gave him the address?

We don't know anything about this guy.

He could be a psychopath.

Yeah, but he just, like, took my phone.

- Oh, so you just let him go? - No, he was, like,

holding this sword, and he was--

he was acting, like, really intense.

And he had this, like, insane look on his face.

What does that even mean?

Yeah, it was like-- like that.

Fucking Crillz.

[sighs] Damn it. Call me an Uber.

[ominous percussive music]

♪ ♪

[tires screech]

- Peter. - Mom?

What are you doing here? Are you tracking me?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm getting you out of here.

Does Dave know you have his Klingon sword?

It's a glaive, and no, he doesn't.

Look, the guy who posts the pictures lives here,

and I'm waiting for him. He's not home yet.

Well, thank God for that. You don't know this guy.

- What if he's dangerous? - Da--

I'm fuckin' dangerous!

Yes, Peter. You're very dangerous.

- Get in the car. - I'm doing this.

Get in the fucking car!

[lowers voice] All right. Don't make a scene.

Jesus Christ.

I think we should go home.

No, we're waiting till he gets back.

Why don't you just give his name to your lawyers

- and let them deal with it? - No, Ma.

I'm tired of people doing this shit to me.

I need to see him.

How do you know he's not on vacation?

I don't care. I'll wait a fucking week, okay?

All right. I will wait too.

[light tense music]

♪ ♪

You hungry?

Yeah, I could eat. Yeah.

If I'd known we were doing a stakeout,

I would have bought some sandwiches.

- [chuckles] - Maybe there's a store

- I could walk to. - No, I got it.

You want burritos?

You know, detective, I, uh--

I know you don't like working with me

because I'm a young rookie cop who doesn't play by the rules.

But just know, I love what I do,

and I fuckin' get the job done.

I've seen a lot of things on these streets.

I'm out here to protect people, 'cause that's my job.

- It's what we fucking do. - It's what we do.

It's what we do.

Thank you.

So what do we do when he gets home?

I don't know. I figured I'd roll up on him

with, like, that weird sword, and just see what happens.

You know, when I read that story...

[sighs] You know why it wrecked me?

Because I immediately believed it.

[scoffs] It's like the thing that you always knew

was gonna happen had finally happened.

You can't imagine what it's like to live like this, honey.

You--

do you have any idea how hard it is to be your mother?

[motorcycle engine revs]

Ah! Ye, no!

Did I miss anything? What happened?

No.

No, you're good.

Fuck.

Damn, it stinks in here.

I'm gonna throw this stuff away.

Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

Shit. It's showtime.

[tense percussive music]

♪ ♪

Hey!

Dr. Rossi?

Pete.

What, uh-- why are you at my home?

Are you--are you "What About Bob"-ing me?

What--what is this? This is--

- this is inappropriate, Pete. - Inappro--

- you're the fuckin' Scatman? - Whoa!

- It's you? - Pete,

I think you're having a manic paranoid episode,

and you're projecting this onto me, okay?

That's bullshit. How come the user

had an LLC agreement attached to this address?

- The user-- - Okay, okay, fine!

- How come--how come you-- - Yes! Fine! Yes!

Bravo, Pete. Bravo. You caught me.

Uh, congratulations.

Light up your pipe, Sherlock Holmes,

'cause this one's in the books.

What is this?

Why--why do you have a glaive? Have you come to kill me?

What are you doing, Pete?

I don't know, man. I'm really fuckin' confused.

Why don't we go inside and have a little chat

about this, free of charge.

[ominous music]

Put the weapon down,

and let's just have a little chat.

Why would you do this to me? You know how triggering

- and fucking traumatic this is? - Look, Pete.

I thought you would have figured this out by now,

but clearly, it's just not getting through to you.

You don't see what this is?

I am helping you, Pete.

This is all part of our treatment.

What are you talking about?

All this work you're doing.

You're obsessing over this Wikipedia picture.

You know what that tells me, Pete?

That tells me that you're not doing very good at all.

I mean, Pete, this is just my way of tracking you,

or controlling you, you know?

But, like, I'm trying to keep tabs

on if you're making any progress, and God damn it,

you have failed!

What kind of method is that?

What kind of therapy is that?

I don't have to explain myself to you.

You sound like all the rest of them.

They all say, oh, you're crazy.

Your methods are impractical,

inhumane, ineffective, they won't work,

they're not, uh, based in science.

And you know what I say? Shut your--

shut your mouth, you stupid Harvard asshole!

I'm not even a college-trained therapist,

and I know more than you.

You don't have a college degree?

What does that matter?

What, I have to have a little plaque on my wall

for you to feel good? Okay?

- Yeah! - Okay, oh, so now you're--

you're fixating on what other people have.

Oh, this guy's got a nicer car than me.

This guy has an actual professional therapist.

I gotta have what he has.

My goodness, we're gonna have

a lot to talk about on Thursday, pal.

You don't think it's weird that I pay a guy to talk about

a guy who's fucking with my head,

- and it's the same fucking guy? - Not at all.

Do you know what? I'm gonna have to

have a whole other session with you

to walk you through this.

Okay, how's your Tuesday?

I'm gonna pencil you in for that.

- You're an idiot. I'm leaving. - No, dude!

Oh, Pete, I get it, okay?

You're frustrated. This is a lot to process.

So--uh, all right.

Well, I will pencil you in for Tuesday, and we are good.

No, you're fired.

Not even on Thursday?

I'm never gonna see you again.

I've already put you in, so I'm gonna

have to charge you if I cancel it now.

But I didn't make the appointment!

It's less than 24 hours, and that's just the rule.

- You're fired! - Okay, Pete,

- is this about the photo? - Yes!

Okay, I'll take the stupid photo down, okay,

if you're so fixated on it, all right?

But I'm not gonna give up on you.

I don't quit on my patients, Pete.

I don't give up on them. Not until the day they die.

And they all die. Most of them have.

Suicide, mostly.

Not all of them.

You're here.

Oh, my God.

You did the fake death announcement, too, didn't you?

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Fuck you, dude.

Unless you stop caring about the things that don't matter!

Pete, all this time and energy you've spent

focusing on this--

you could have spent that focusing on

the things that are really important to you, Pete.

What matters in your life, Pete?

[soft sentimental music]

[whispering] Amy, your mom?

Your mother?

♪ ♪

Peter? Peter, where are you? Oh, my God.

Fuck, you're good.

No shit, Pete.

I'll see you on Thursday?

Can you do Friday, actually?

I have a thing--I forgot, I have a thing on Thursday.

I could do Zoom. Do you do Zoom?

Zoom is fine.

I'll be in my car, if that's not an issue.

- No, that's cool. - Okay.

I'll see you then, bud.

All right.

- Pete. - Yeah?

Don't forget your weapon.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God. There you are!

- What the fuck? - Oh.

It's all over with now. We can go.

What, did I miss it? What happened?

Yeah, uh, I just decided

I'm not gonna waste time getting so upset

over stuff like this.

Wow. All right.

That sounds very mature.

Yeah, and also, this is, like, the first time

we've spent any time together in, like, forever,

and I'd like to spend more time with you.

- You know? - I would love that, Peter.

- Watch the glaive. - [laughs]

Okay.

Hey, Ma, I, um--

I'm really sorry about everything.

I--I can't imagine what that's like.

But I--I promise I won't ever let anything

like that happen, okay?

It's just, when I saw the news on my phone, I realized,

like, that's how it's gonna happen.

You know, that's how I'm gonna find out.

And I--now I got that feeling,

and I can't seem to shake it.

Ma, Ma, I promise you,

I will never kill myself until after you're dead.

- You mean it? - I promise.

You'll never know.

[laughs] Thank you, honey.

That's all I can ask for. Aw.

* They waited all night by your door ♪

♪ You probably wouldn't remember ♪

You know, this was one of your dad's favorite songs.

Yeah, yeah, I remember

he used to sing it to us all the time.

♪ In the pouring rain ♪

♪ Everything's better when wet ♪

♪ Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪

Pete, take a picture with your sister.

Here, get your arms around her. Look at me, guys.

Smile.

Now, don't squint, buddy.

You're way more handsome with your eyes open.

Come on. Yeah.

There you go. What a stud, huh?

What a stud. [shutter clicks]

[Steve Miller Band's "Jungle Love"]

* You treat me like I was your ocean ♪

♪ You swim in my blood when it's warm ♪

♪ My cycles of circular motion ♪

♪ Protect you and keep you from harm ♪

♪ You live in a world of illusion ♪

♪ Where everything's peaches and cream ♪

♪ We all face a scarlet conclusion ♪

♪ But we spend our time in a dream ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Jungle love, it's driving me mad ♪

♪ It's making me crazy, crazy ♪

♪ Jungle love, it's driving me crazy ♪

♪ ♪

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