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[dramatic chord]

[soft electronic music]

♪ ♪

Fuck it.

Yes.

Why don't more people do this?

I'm here for the interview.

There must be some way I can earn this job.

This is an office?

Oh, the desk.

Whoa. Shredded wheat.

Game time.

Fuck. [groans]

- [clattering] - [moaning]

[groans] [washer buzzes]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

Hold on, hold on.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[moaning]

- Wait. - [moaning]

Right. Hold on, honey. Let me catch up. Hold on.

- All right, here we go. - You're a dirty boss.

You're a dirty boss. Yeah, right there.

Oh, fuck.

Dude, beat it. It's a closed set.

- [moan?] - You know what?

You're a part of this now. Whatever.

- You're staying. - Yeah.

This is the weirdest room.

Yeah. [moaning]

Fucking Beanie Babies? Dark.

- Mom is gonna be so mad at us. - What?

I thought this was a job interview!

- Fuck it, sis. Let's do this. - Fuck yeah.

♪ ♪

Pete.

- Peter. - [moans]

[moans]

♪ ♪

Yahtzee! [moans]

Fuck.

Uh, dinner's almost ready.

I'm just gonna throw these back in.

♪ I got a gold chain ♪

♪ I'm on cocaine ♪

♪ Like it was 1980 ♪

Peter, where are you going?

Oh, hey, Mom.

Uh... yeah, I just--

I--I think-- I think maybe we should just

take some time a part and maybe

not see each other for a little while.

Please, Peter, we're about to have dinner.

Are you still wearing the shirt?

I'm gonna do Peloton after dinner.

I'm not gonna ruin another shirt.

- [groans] - Come on. Sit down.

- We're having dinner. - I gotta go.

We haven't seen you in months.

Where could you possibly have to go?

Change your shirt!

I can't believe your mom saw your cum face.

- I have a cum face? - Oh, 100% you do. Yes.

- What's it look like? - It looks like

you're throwing up while trying to solve a calculus problem.

It's like-- [retching]

- [laughs] - Why are you being mean?

I'm fucked up. I came on my mother.

I'm gonna have to add another therapist to the roster.

This is gonna be a core memory. I'm fucked.

How do you think your mom feels right now?

She seemed weirdly fine with it.

Alarmingly so. Strong woman.

[phone ringing]

Was that her?

No, it's my fucking grandfather.

He won't stop calling.

You should call your grandpa back.

He's your grandpa. Come on.

I can't be around my family right now.

It's just, like, too fucking weird, you know?

Yeah, guys tend to do that after they finish.

Are you gonna stop doing schtick?

- This is serious. - This is what you do.

You run away from people who love you.

I don't do that.

Every time something gets intense,

it's like you cannot get away fast enough.

- That's not true. - Okay, yeah.

You don't do that. You're right.

- You're totally right. Yeah. - I don't. You're a liar.

So can we talk about, like, how we broke up?

I'm gonna call you an Uber. You made it very weird.

[soft electronic music]

♪ ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

Peter, where the fuck are you?

You don't show up for dinner. I'm calling you.

You make me chase you around like you're a fucking broad.

Answer the phone.

I Googled myself yesterday.

It was bad.

It was, like, really bad.

Like, I couldn't find one good thing.

Nobody fucks with me.

Hypebeast called you the voice of a generation.

I'm just a fucking--

I'm a ridiculous joke.

Did you get another Roger the Alien tattoo?

Yeah, Ricky Spanish.

You can't keep getting tattoos

put on, put back off, put on.

You're like that snake eating its tail in a circle.

Ow!

- You liked it. - I did like it.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Sit down. I got you a drink.

So what's been going on?

What'd you do, get another tattoo, Peter?

No, no, I'm burning them off now.

Yeah.

All of them? That's too bad.

I always thought you were gonna put some on your face.

I figured you get balls over here

and a cock coming down your nose

right into your mouth.

[laughs]

Funny. No, no, yeah, I don't know.

I just think if I burn them off, you know,

maybe people will take me more seriously.

It ain't the tattoos, Peter.

Well, I gotta change it up, you know?

I gotta change the way people see me.

People think I'm, like, a joke for some reason.

They see you as a joke because you are a joke.

You act like a fucking joke.

You run around like a kid and you're not a kid anymore.

You're a man.

Yeah, but I'm doing good career-wise.

I mean, you know?

Hypebeast called me a voice of a generation.

I don't think that was a compliment.

You're unhappy because all you do

is try to make yourself happy.

You should try to make somebody else happy once in a while.

Do something for somebody. Put a smile on their face.

You'll see. There's big difference.

Try it. [coughs]

[spits]

- Fuck. - Is that blood?

No, it's ketchup.

- But I am dying. - What?

Yo, Pete, do you think I can get a picture?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, man, you think you can take this pic?

You know, kid, I was having a private conversation

with my grandson, and you come over here

and you don't say, "Excuse me."

You say that, then you don't have to worry

about them taking your phone

and putting it in the bottom of a root beer float.

- Dude. - Get the fuck out of here.

Take your phone and shove it up your ass.

Get the fuck out of here.

This is the generation you want to be the voice of?

- You're dying? - What are you gonna do?

Should you be smoking?

What, you want me to stop now because of that?

Not gonna do any good.

No, I mean, like, in here.

Like, in the diner. Can you do that?

So, uh...

what are we gonna do about this, huh?

About what?

"About what?"

What, you mean what we were just talking about in there?

- You ask me? - Yeah, I know--

I know you're showing

less than what you're feeling, but I--

Yeah, well, you know, I try not to think about it,

but where I come from,

if it's time for you to go, you just go.

The fuck can you do about it?

Well, what if I'm not ready for you to go?

Eh, what if I'm not ready to go?

Is there anything you wanna do?

You know, the biggest thing I want, Peter, is,

I never spend any time with you alone.

I don't know.

I just--I wanna get to know you better.

You get to know me before I'm not around.

So let's do that.

Well, then we gotta get together.

We should do stuff. You should see what I do.

Sounds like it's gonna be a boys' night out.

Go out with a bang.

- A bang? Ooh. - All right? Hmm?

Maybe a couple of fucking bangs.

"A couple of fucking bangs." Sounds good to me.

[laughs]

Investigators found a gold-plated Zippo lighter

in Cory's bedroom, although...

Hey, so we gotta decide if you're going

to the dermatologist or the fitting.

What's wrong? You seem down.

My grandpa told me he's dying today.

Yo, that's terrible, man. I'm sorry.

- I love your grandpa. - Yeah.

He's always asking me, like, "What are you?"

That's him.

Was he the Italian one or the Jewish one?

- The Italian one. - That sucks.

Not that I wanted the Jewish one to die.

I'm just saying, if I had to make a choice--

Yeah, you don't.

He said he, like, wanted to spend time with me

and have, like, a boys' night, but what does that even mean?

Like, I don't know what to do. This is what we do.

This is what the boys do every night.

- Like, I don't do anything. - A boys' night?

Sounds to me like Grandpa wants to get laid, boy.

Why don't you get him a prostitute?

Oh! Well, I'll be.

Like, a tasteful prostitute. Like, a talented one.

One who really makes you believe

that she's in love with you.

Well, he did say he wants me

to put a smile on someone's face.

That's fucking beautiful, my G.

You're like a perverted genie or something.

You like a white Bagger Vance.

You be making wishes come true. It's poetic.

Ugh.

This is gonna be my problem, isn't it?

[computer ringing]

Do I have to do this?

Yes, that is your job.

It fits the job description, Evan.

I'm not really sure that that's true.

Come on, man. You got this.

You're Evan, dude. You're the best.

Do it, man. Be a man.

This is when boys turn to men. Boys to men.

Okay.

Hey, hi. It's--Donna, is it, right?

Hi, sweetheart. How's it going?

Uh, it's going great.

- She got big titties? - Uh...

So you want to set up a party?

Yup. Party.

But it would be for... not for me.

- For Joe. - Okay.

Am I talking to Joe right now?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just helping set this up

for my boss, but it's not for him either.

I have a really weird job.

It just, like, keeps getting weirder.

Why don't we just cut to the chase.

What do you want?

Just, like, the standard fare.

But, like, gentle and respectful

and, like, kind.

- What the fuck is this? - Gentle caressing.

- Tender kisses. - Dude, do you know my grandpa?

Get the fuck-- my Poppy doesn't want kind.

What are you talking about?

Hey, sorry about that. Hey, what's up?

Oh, now I see what's going on.

Listen, I have partied with all kinds

of high-profile clientele.

No, no, it's really not for me.

- It's for my grandpa Joe. - I'll see you soon, okay?

- Bye, Grandpa. - Bye.

- She seems nice. - Yeah, she's really nice.

- Yeah, we're doing God's work. - Yeah.

♪ Nothing is enough ♪

- * Till they handle love ♪ - * Let's do it tonight ♪

♪ I want you tonight ♪

♪ I want you to stay ♪

♪ I want you tonight ♪

♪ Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em, hey ♪

♪ Give me everything tonight ♪

- There he is. - Hey, Peter.

Yeah, you look like the white Steve Harvey.

- [laughs] - You ready to go?

Well, hold on. Roy's coming.

What do you mean Roy's coming?

You said it was a boys' night out.

No, I didn't say that shit.

You said it.

Besides, he's your uncle.

He's not really my uncle.

Don't say that. You'll make him feel bad.

You know his wife's just died.

That was, like, eight years ago.

- Hello, Peter. - Hey! Uncle Roy!

This is exciting.

I feel like I'm on "Entourage"

with the big movie star here.

[laughs]

* But I promise tonight, dale ♪

♪ Excuse me ♪

♪ And I might drink a little more than I should tonight ♪

♪ And I might take you home with me if I could tonight ♪

Ah, Marla would've loved this, huh?

♪ So good tonight ♪

Now this is how you make a martini.

A little vermouth and pour water in.

Shake it up again. A lot.

[ice rattling]

And voilà. What do you think?

Or you can enjoy yourself and get a buzz.

Hello. Excuse me.

I don't suppose you gentlemen have a extra one of those

for a thirsty lady, do you?

- Are you the thirsty lady? - Yes, I am.

They definitely got another one for you.

Oh, nice. I'm Donna.

- I'm Joe. - Nice to meet you.

- This is my friend Roy. - Hello.

- Pleasure. - My grandson Peter.

- Peter, nice to meet you. - Hello, Donna.

[clears throat] Roy, why don't you

give Donna your seat?

I like this seat.

Why don't you get the fuck over here so I can talk to you?

All right. [groans]

- Thank you. - This is nice.

- Okay. - Here you go, Donna.

Look at--thank you.

I kind of wanted this to be a, you know,

special night for me and Pops 'cause, you know,

he's not feeling so well and he's--

- You're a prostitute. - What?

Do you know that she is a hooker?

No offense, darling. You're beautiful.

- No offense taken. - That's not nice.

That's a very mean thing to say.

Is this your big takeaway from our conversation?

I don't know what to do.

You take me to lunch and tell me you're dying?

I scrambled.

I thought maybe your last wish was some pussy.

- I don't know. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll let you boys hash this out.

- Be back in a minute. - Um...

What the fuck is it with you?

Roy, you believe this?

My grandson thinks I need a hooker to get laid.

- I didn't know. - What, are you kidding?

Your grandpa was the Wilt Chamberlain

of Staten Island.

First of all, ew.

Hey, if I tattooed

every girl that I ever banged on my body,

I'd be fucking "Memento" over here.

Who's Memento?

What did you think was gonna happen?

What if I fell in love with her?

Yeah, Pete, you're playing with fire.

- And I'm fire. - You certainly are.

- [laughs] - Yeah, you are.

Well, we're here. We might as well have some fun.

I'd like to make a toast

to the most handsome gentlemen in this joint.

Where are they? [laughter]

What do you mean, a clown? A real clown?

Honk, honk. Yeah. [laughter]

Hey, man, can I get a picture with you?

Hey, bartender, give me a root beer float over here.

[laughter] Personal joke.

I'm glad you guys are having fun

'cause it did cost 5 grand for the Sinatra suite, so--

- $5,000 for a suite? - Yeah.

- For a hooker? - Sinatra better be in there.

[laughs]

- Here it is. - Two doors.

Oh. Oh, nice.

Wow, the Sinatra suite, huh?

If these walls could talk, they'd press charges.

- Yup. - [laughs]

Just--this is it too?

- Yup. Go nuts. - Don't tell me.

- Oh, my God. - Are you kidding me?

Gummy bears in a crystal dish? This is so swanky.

And you got strawberries and champagne.

Peter, you watch too many movies.

- Is this fucking classy, huh? - Where'd you get that?

I feel like Daddy Warbucks.

Well, I was an orphan.

- [champagne cork pops] - All right.

all: * This magic moment ♪ [playing piano]

[laughter]

* While your lips are close to mine ♪

♪ Will last forever ♪

♪ And ever till the end ♪

♪ Of time ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Oh, look at that.

- * Oh ♪ - [laughs]

both: * Oh ♪

- * Oh! ♪ - [laughs]

This is fun.

I'm really glad that we did this.

You put a smile on my face tonight.

You made Roy happy. We had a great time.

Speaking of Roy, where is he? Where's Donna?

- They're in the bedroom. - Holy shit.

You think they're, like, having sex?

No, they're watching

the fucking Giants, you meathead.

Come on. What do you think?

Not to bring the mood down or anything, but, you know,

it just gets me to thinking, I don't know what I'm gonna do

when you're gone. I'm gonna have nobody.

You're gonna start with that mushy shit again?

No, it's just, you know,

I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

- You know? - Peter.

Who gives a fuck about tomorrow?

It's gonna come no matter who's here and who's not here,

so don't worry about it.

At least your plan worked for somebody.

- Let's get the fuck out of here. - Let's go.

Ow! Oh, oh! Ow, ow, ow!

- Okay. - I don't know. What is it?

Donna, Roy, are you guys okay?

- No, he is not okay. - I can't move.

- It's my hip dysplasia. - Oh, my dog has that.

- Porky? - Should I call an ambulance?

No, no. No, I'll be okay in a few hours.

I'm sorry I can't finish the job, sweetheart.

- Peter. - Yeah.

Go over there. See if you can help him.

Oh, that's okay, darling. It's very common, actually.

Fuck is wrong with you? Help him up.

- All right, come on. - All right, you ready?

Careful. He's inside of me.

- Hey, kiddo. - Yeah?

Why don't you just

rock me back and forth for a couple minutes,

and then I think I'll be all set.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Come on. Give me a little help here.

Absolutely not! Dude, no fucking way.

Peter, come here. Let me talk to you a sec.

- Where you going? - You're leaving?

- Wait. - Just a second, lovebirds.

No. No. come back.

There's no way.

This is your chance

to really do something for somebody.

What do you want me to do?

Provide the thrust.

Pro--provide the thrust?

Yeah, give him a little help. That's all he needs.

Once he gets going, he'll be all right.

It'd be easy for you. Push him, you know?

- A little boom. - I don't want to do this.

I know you don't want to do it.

Who the fuck would want to do it?

But just do it. We're here.

You want to ruin boys' night now?

- No, boys' night is over. - No, it's not over.

I took you guys out to dinner.

We had a nice time. Roy got half laid.

It's over. It's time to go home.

This is your chance

to really do something for somebody.

Make somebody else fucking happy

instead of yourself all the time.

Yeah, I meant, like, I don't know,

watching the game together,

not helping your friend fuck a prostitute.

You could do it, Peter. Do it.

Roy, you sure this is what you want?

- You'd be doing me a mitzvah. - There's your answer.

I know you don't want to do it, but just fucking do it.

All right, come on. Let's go.

Well, I'm not gonna do it. You do it.

- You're not gonna help? - He's my fucking friend.

- So what? - It's disgusting.

You could do this shit.

You've done worse things than this.

Don't bullshit me.

- Go fucking do it. - [groans]

- Be a man. - I am. Fuck you.

Donna, are you cool with this?

100%. Hoist him up.

Fantastic.

[sighs] Let's get it.

- All right, you ready? - Okay.

- Yeah. - Gently. Gently.

Okay, okay.

- Okay, good. - There you go.

- Good. Get a groove going. - There you go.

All right, all right, all right.

Maybe don't talk.

Oh, I feel like a Make-A-Wish kid.

Oh, Marla would've loved this.

Oh, she's right here with us, baby.

- She's right here. - God, I hope not.

Okay, okay. Come on.

- Give me some juice, Petey. - You feel so good.

I am, dude. You're fucking huge.

- Yeah, he is. - Well, that's my knee.

I'll tell you, will you excuse me a second?

I'll be right back.

- Oh, wait. Ooh, gentle. - [groans]

- What's up? - Is this how you fuck?

What?

Why don't you put your back into it?

We're all adults here. Now put me back in.

- Oh, oh. Okay, right there. - Okay.

- Wait, no, that's--okay. - Gentle. Oh.

- Okay. Okay. - You in?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's do this, baby. - Go! [groans]

- Here we go. - All right.

- And we're rocking. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Cooking with gas.

You know, you're a very sweet kid.

You're very misunderstood.

Right to heaven. I'm going right to heaven.

Oh, God.

There's a lot of love in this room right now.

I can't believe I'm having sex with Pete Davidson.

- Shut the fuck up. - All right.

♪ This magic moment ♪

♪ So different and so new ♪

♪ Was like any other ♪

♪ Until I kissed you ♪

♪ And then it happened ♪

♪ It took me by surprise ♪

- Hey, you want some lasagna? - Yeah.

Just hurry up. I'm starving.

- How long I put it in? - I don't know.

I have no idea how to work that thing.

- We could eat it cold. - Cold it is.

We eat it cold every other day.

My goodness, you guys were out late.

- Hey. - How was the evening?

- Fun. - Did you heat this up?

- No. - Oh.

Let me heat this thing up.

It's gonna taste even better than it did before.

What'd you guys do?

Nothing. We just--we had a boys' night.

A boys' night out. You know?

- Boys' night out. - What guys do.

Yeah, yeah. It was just guy stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, guy stuff.

I don't know anything about that.

Don't do that.

- What was that? - What was what?

- That. - Nothing.

What the fuck is going on here?

- Nothing! - She did something.

Well, no, wait. What did you guys do?

Nothing. When I said nothing...

I mean, it's guy stuff. We had a good time.

We danced, laughed, Roy had fun.

- Roy had a fucking ball. - Yeah.

Wow, something--all right, something's up.

Listen, guys, why can't we just keep secrets?

Why can't we be a normal family that's healthy?

- I want to know what happened. - Nothing happened.

- What did you guys do tonight? - We didn't do anything.

What's the big secret?

You want to know what happened?

I came on her the other morning

and I helped Roy fuck a prostitute, okay?

* Buck shots, what the blood clot? ♪

♪ Watch the pickney ♪

♪ If he flees, stop him with a leg shot ♪

♪ Pick a knee ♪

♪ Chest shot to make your chest move ♪

♪ Bobby Fischer me ♪

♪ Get assassinated, tryna run? ♪

♪ Bobby Kennedy ♪

♪ Keep that same energy ♪

♪ Poison in my pen, what's the penalty? ♪

♪ My life behind these bars, ain't no clemency ♪

♪ Don't even know the charge ♪

♪ Just like an oxymoron,

♪ You don't even know the odds ♪

♪ How I'm gritty with the bars ♪

♪ And still pretty like DeBarge ♪

♪ Still holding down my city ♪

♪ Like I'm Diddy on bed ♪

♪ Tig ol' bitties in her bra ♪

♪ It's Wu Block ♪

♪ Big mama busting out her tube top ♪

♪ Homey is a clown, he get the tube sock ♪

♪ Or he can get around, shout to Tupac ♪

♪ Sucker free, I'm everything that you not ♪

♪ And I'm taking everything that you got ♪

♪ Praying on my downfall ♪

♪ Moving like an outlaw ♪

♪ They switch sides like a southpaw ♪

♪ I can't be around y'all ♪

♪ Praying on my downfall ♪

♪ Moving like an outlaw ♪

♪ They switch sides like a southpaw ♪

♪ I can't be around y'all ♪

* I can't be around y'all niggas ♪

[Method Man's "Switch Sides"]

♪ ♪

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