Original subtitles

Hello.

Now you got the wrong number.

Yeah but i know that monument.

Film i hear.

Fucking throw my hair back.

Hello

i'm dr Warren g easterbrook.

Chairman of the president's commission on education.

And i would like to talk to you about an ever growing problem.

The short attention span of today's youth.

Weaned as they are on television

young people today

can't seem to pay attention for more than a few.

House video presents

an in-depth.

Up close

and personal look

at

penthouse plaything.

Terrans.

Oh so many neat things have happened to me.

Homecoming queen.

Making the cheerleading squad the neatest thing

it

was when i was recently chosen

the pit has played.

Changed me.

I'm still the same team.

When i was first tested

it was like.

Really immature.

But I've grown so much since then.

I can hardly believe it's me.

I am

a beach person.

A person.

I really sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California.

Cause we've got it on.

New humidity.

It really blows me away.

Added the public i can just

fade into the crowd

the irritated.

All the time.

I didn't understand it.

Google.

Offers me peace

and solitude.

Away from the pressure of being a plaything.

Here.

In the

chest at my manga.

Art

is.

Goonies art galleries.

And my dream.

Is to one day have some of my things.

But

my real dream.

Comes from my family.

And my strong religious upbringing.

I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad

and the values they've given me.

Which.

Help.

Need he can be

awesome responsibilities.

Of plaything of.

Reception.

Paper calculated to bring home a note from your teacher today.

Or not yet

that's one of your jokes ever

before

the record war

one.

Best investment i ever made.

Was carrying subtropical moisture into the region.

Develop later in the week.

I hadn't been out of this house in two weeks.

Cover moves and the lows will warm up just a bit.

Tomorrow the.

Hell

has happened to my remote.

Funniest guys for the remainder of the day.

On today's national weather map Murray hours embedded in those clouds

and here in the southern.

Excuse me sir we're on the air

show.

Me how to.

Approach the robot.

Murray.

What are you doing on the web.

I don't know

probably something

great

that.

You're.

Wrong on.

That

high fly ball to center field

wait a minute that's not bad on.

Logging for.

This is what

you get for throwing out the directions.

You should be so lucky.

Channel.

At least i know you won't catch and.

Show up but i want to.

Try.

Five hundred million people are watching via satellite

as the president

first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit.

They look fit and rested

wait a minute.

An unidentified man has emerged from air force one.

He seems believe it or not to be glad only in his underwear

the secret service have grabbed her mind.

Who is he.

Get an overnight room.

He appears to play.

I'm so

proud of you Brenda getting through the

delivery without any anesthetic

where i had to piss somebody coach in the world.

Good to see that baby has been eight hours.

Well now now you remember the film they showed us in class there there's all kinds of

tests they have to perform on a newborn child.

So.

That there's my favorite couple.

Mr and mrs flanders that's landers

right right

flanders did you read my poisoning of thirty nine.

So.

Nice did work if i say so myself doctor

we'd like to see our son the nurses keep giving us the run around

i'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son but.

Have you looked around this hospital.

There are sick people here

i just saw this old guy in the hallway with these

gnarly scabs all over his buddy

gross me out

ugh.

I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey

nicollet.

To that.

I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.

Dr.

Brendan i are both the mas graduates

and.

We've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before.

Ou

le mas.

Well i forgot you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor

learning how to breathe.

I had to get by on a degree from Harvard medical school.

Please doctor it's important

to us to see our child.

You've heard of bonding.

Dr.

We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son please.

A little quality time with your son.

That'd be beautiful.

People.

What's with that guy.

Supposed to be the top man in his field.

Well.

When he brings in little Jeffrey we're going Nicolas

here we go.

Ears a little tight.

Okay that's enough germ.

Wait

a

we

haven't seen him yet

oh go ahead breathe all over matter.

But what is this some kind of sick practical joke what are you talking about he's got

your eyes take that hideous thing away

on

come on

they all looked like this at first.

You see.

When the baby.

Passes through the birth canal.

It's hit it gets a little pointy

he should round out in a couple of days

promise that's not a baby.

That's a mr potato head Harry call the hospital administrator.

Hey.

You're right

this is a mr potato head.

Gosh they're so lifelike.

Anybody could have made this mistake.

I'll be right back with the real Nicholas.

Harry what are they doing to.

Calm down Brenda calm down we don't want you to get postpartum anxiety now.

As soon as we get our son.

I'm going to report this quack.

Thank god you took that assertiveness training course.

Yeah.

Your little tyke

know

you've been a naughty little baby

yes you have to play peekaboo with mommy and daddy

time.

Gets your dad.

He's got a strong determined jaw just like his old moon there.

Whoops.

Great now you made him cry.

I don't believe this.

Is this okay would you rather would you rather breastfeed.

Alright mr and mrs le mas.

You see due to a slight clerical error your son has been

temporarily misplaced you lost our son did i say lost

i said mr place

i'm suing you.

For for malpractice.

Negligence

you name it oh great just jump all over me why don't you just jump all over me what

about the nine kids i didn't lose this week.

Maybe

it was your fault.

If you hadn't distracted me with all that video equipment the delivery room i might

not have misplaced your little brat doctor.

We've found you.

See.

Down the hall in the laundry hamper.

I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves.

All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not twenty feet from this very room.

Doctor.

You're doing surgery for that kidney transplant.

Where's the donor organ.

Donor work in.

God i had it

when i left the house this morning.

Good morning and welcome to movies till sunrise

our feature presentation is the nineteen fifty four science fiction classic

Amazon women on the moon.

Starring laird Granger and Greta Van zandt.

Complete and uncut with no commercial

reviews.

This used to be me.

All before my years

ignored by women

passed over for promotions

but now

all that has changed.

Hi

i'm size four low.

And i invented the patented process known as hair.

If you suffer from premature hair loss.

Team of technicians.

Visit you.

In the privacy of your home.

So there will be no embarrassment.

You'll choose from our selection.

Of over two hundred colors.

Styles.

Then

your head will be carpeted.

With one hundred percent pure.

Fibre.

Completely natural looking.

You can sleep in it.

You can shower in it.

It changed my life.

And it'll change yours.

Call

toll free

one eight hundred.

Get

hair.

And so.

Hello.

I'm Prescott tones and head of the American space association.

The moon has fascinated man since the dawn of time.

Inspiring poets scientists

and.

Young lovers the world over.

Yet.

Little is known about this

our closest celestial neighbor.

One day

perhaps

not in our lifetime.

Men may set foot on the moon.

And then he may discover the shocking truth of.

Amazon women.

Men.

I've been studying this map of the lunar surface

and I've chosen the dark side as our landing site.

So.

Don't forget your space being.

Rogers Dave.

Just think loony

in less than an hour we're going to be on the moon.

The first thing i'm gonna do is call me off a hunk of that green cheese.

Which.

You know one of the purposes of this mission is to dispel some of those myths.

Speak.

I've got the president on the electro scan.

Will occurs.

I'm in men of moon rocket one.

This is the president of the united states calling from planet earth.

We read you mr president.

This is Steve Nelson commander moon rocket one.

Commander Nelson.

This is a proud day for all Americans.

And this year of nineteen eighty

will be remembered as a year an American first set foot on the moon.

The governors of all forty eight states join me.

In wishing godspeed to you

and your handpicked team of scientists.

That's us loony.

Thank you mr president.

We're proud to serve our country.

Over and out.

Lucky.

Neutralize the electro scan.

Electro scan neutralizer.

Guess she is

dead ahead.

You know I've got big plans for.

Show advertising space when they attack just picture this.

The world's

biggest billboard.

Will become.

Hold your horses blackie.

The voyages for the betterment of mankind.

It's not any of us are getting.

Lee standby.

It goes my lunch.

Ugh.

It's right up there with my stomach.

Prepare for moon landing.

Initiate rotation system.

Rotation initiated.

Reverse retros.

River.

Only thing pressure.

Drops any more work on.

This is the emergency.

Did you know that every seven minutes a black person is born in this country

without so.

Hello i'm bb king.

Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others that suffer from this tragic

disorder.

It's cruel symptoms can strike anyone.

Let's take a look.

I think the republican party has done one heck of a job

don't you June.

I'll say would

we Republicans have turned this country around.

Safety and good mileage are the two things i looked for in a new car.

That's why i bought a Volvo station wagon.

Hi.

I'm president of the David hartman fan club here in glendale.

I've even met David hartman woods

what a neat guy.

Gemini.

Gemini.

Gemini.

This is bb king saying won't you please give.

So that Don salmon to you and so many others.

Can become useful members of society.

Right to blacks without so.

Post office box thirty.

Atlanta Georgia.

Garrett.

Hi.

Jerry style hi very nice meeting you i'm sorry i'm running a little bit.

Don't worry about it.

Nice.

It's a great apartment.

I hope you like Sushi.

I made reservations at

Tokyo Rose on Columbus

great.

Years terrific.

Normally there's a waiting list but i know the maitre d.

You know.

I gotta tell you i never go on blind dates

but.

I just.

Have a feeling

that

this might be special.

Jerry.

Before we leave.

Jimmy once my favorite wave sure.

Would you mind showing me your credit card and a valid driver's license.

You're kidding right.

Well i'd like to run a couple compatibility check.

Or what the heck is that.

No Jerry it's tough being a single girl in the big city.

You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps.

That's where this machine comes in handy.

I just enter your ID and the central computer will tell me about your background.

I don't want a bank loan

as opposed to take yeah.

I know what.

I'd feel better running a check.

To ids please.

You're serious.

Just take them too this is ridiculous.

But.

Three one six.

Cupid

extra card.

How i ever got along without one of these

changed my life.

Feel the same way about my VCR.

Right now i'm taping Sophie's choice with Meryl Streep

i love nasty.

I'm so into her.

Yeah.

That.

Hi.

A very thorough

yeah.

Great.

But.

Yeah.

Where go there.

What what.

Cherry.

Does the name Debbie rothenberg mean anything to you.

But.

Debbie rothenberg god.

Oh yeah yeah i think i went out with her once twice.

You had sex with her on the second date

and then you never called her again.

I hate when guys do that.

It says other.

Does the phrase.

You're not only beautiful but

you're someone i feel i can open up to mean anything to you.

I'm not surprised you've used that line in your last sixteen minutes

this is ridiculous.

Debbie.

Karen.

I think

that we have something very special here.

You're not.

The city.

See what i mean.

In Jerry.

I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed.

Who is selfish in bed.

Spiderman.

Satisfy.

Goes to sleep.

I never do that in my life

eleven times one

days

no no i do not.

Have pop.

Anyway.

That is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times I've been intimate with women.

Were exaggerating a little aren't we Jerry.

I mean the record only shows twenty one sexual intimacy.

Fuck that well hey this doesn't jibe with my figures okay sweetie.

Jerry.

The statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man.

Twelve times you ignored your date at a party to flirt with more attractive women.

One hundred and sixty nine times

you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career.

And seventeen occasions.

You lie to women telling them you were really into Sushi and Meryl Streep movies.

Make that eighteen times.

Where where where do they get these figures.

As you can see Jerry it would be pointless for you and i to go out.

What would i get one of those machines

and see how well you cover

okay.

Good Nigeria.

It's early yet

maybe you can still get lucky in a box.

Like you did last Thursday.

Hello Beverly.

Yeah.

Hi.

This is Jerry stone

we met the other night at Dave's party.

Hi.

I.

Listen.

I know it's last minute

but.

I want to ask are you free tonight.

You are.

Great listen.

I can pick you up in

ten minutes.

Okay.

Jerry.

Yeah.

A major credit card and a valid driver's license.

Jerry.

Strange phenomena.

Missing persons.

Monsters.

We examine these mysteries to determine.

Are they bullshit.

I

London's west end.

Winter of eighteen eighty eight.

Series of bizarre and violent murders occurred.

Which remain unsolved.

To this very day.

Jack the ripper.

Was he a prosperous

London surgeon.

Perhaps.

A member of British royalty.

Well.

Our bullshit team.

Has unearthed.

Spectacular new evidence which suggests.

The Jack the ripper was in fact.

Loch Ness monster.

Isn't possible.

Murdered five streetwalkers.

Before returning to Loch Ness.

Using undiscovered evidence

we've piece together

the events leading up to the first murder and

although this is a bullshit reenactment.

It may have happened

just this way

and.

Good times back when.

The.

Jackets.

Don't you want

to

keep you.

I.

Mean.

Tell me that would deny.

This.

If.

You want to pick one now.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Doubt you'll be.

On my feet now.

Is this the way it happened.

With Jack the ripper in fact a sixty foot sea serpent from Scotland.

Could i take this job for a quick buck.

We may never know the answer these questions.

Next week.

Than going to a retrograde.

Don't want to get caught.

Answer w packet reporting sir.

That is bucket.

Saddam.

Sir.

It's just about me screwing up the officer latrine i told captain was

sterilized was getting him a kid pocket

Saddam.

Fucker.

Is your mccormick

the general Ballantine.

General mccormick.

At ease private so you don't seem to understand this man has been my hero since i was

at least five years old.

Bucket.

Put out.

Yesterday.

Cigarette.

Yeah thanks.

It's pretty hard to come by up here.

Well we're all proud of the job you boys are doing a different.

Good news bucket.

We received a communique from the enemy.

And they have given us their unconditional surrender.

Incoming.

Wow great.

The war is over right.

Technically.

Yeah.

Well.

I'd say this calls for a toast gentlemen.

Alright right the bubbling.

You guys really blow me away.

I mean.

Inviting g eyes in one at a time just to tell him the good news.

Do you know that's exactly what i'd expect from you sir.

General mccormick.

Victory.

Going home.

Phuket.

There are many great traditions in the military.

But none more hallowed than that of the unknown soldier.

But a funny thing has happened Puckett.

Was hester.

Oh just one of those little.

Military snafu is.

It seems that all our fallen troops have been identified and.

Sent home.

Not one John Doe on the lot.

Got a warrior poker without an unknown soldier.

Well you guys did a hell of a job.

Too good a job.

But the president has his heart set on an unknown soldier.

They went out and built a tomb.

Invited dignitary to a ceremony.

I hear there's even going to be fireworks.

Wish i could be there.

You can be.

Private ads

w Puckett.

You have been chosen to represent this war.

As our unknown soldier.

Congratulations thank you

oh great man that's oh wow.

Yeah.

Dunno like have to be dead for that sir.

Well yes there is that.

But let's look at the plus side.

What is the plus side general Ballantine.

Well.

For one it's a great honor.

A chance at immortality.

Schoolboys will idolize you.

The nation will weep.

Oh.

Look no offense guys but i spent this whole war trying not to get killed.

You have not been dismissed so do.

Look.

Puck shit.

You're the perfect candidate.

You have no living relatives.

Not even a girlfriend.

No one will notice if you don't come back from the war.

How motives.

German.

If i may.

Please sir.

Shit out so

i'd like to talk.

Bucket.

Now that the war is over.

What do you have to look forward to back home.

Alive loneliness.

Misery.

Unemployment.

Well actually.

Actually sir is planning a career in custodial work.

Bud.

As the unknown soldier.

You'll be returning to fanfare.

Ticket tape parades.

Marching band.

And as the icing on the cake.

The memorial itself.

Nestled in a blossoming grove of cherry trees.

Overlooking.

The sparkling

blue.

Potomac.

I knew joining the other war heroes.

Night.

Sergeant York.

I d Murphy.

General pattern too.

But he doesn't have to do that you can.

Rush

that's.

Correct for.

You've got the cherry blossoms.

Well this would show the folks back home they all thought i was going to turn out to

be a nobody.

Yeah laughs on that

yeah.

Me the unknown soldier.

Gotcha.

Then it settled.

Lead your dog tags.

We don't want anybody identifying you now do we.

All know sir.

Yeah.

I'll take those.

Well.

That

just leaves one minor detail.

Have to do

it.

Makes things a lot simpler.

What is

Puckett.

Could you tell me about the cherry blossoms again.

It's delightful.

You'll love it.

Anything else bucket.

No sir.

Carry on then.

Some hero.

He looks like he's doing up a free.

The German.

How does that settled how about some dinner.

Officers club.

Why not.

The base version we got primer.

To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week here on critics corner.

Mark and i both gave a

thumbs up to the new Swedish film directed by.

Oliver spent some all expense and.

Called it the winter of my despondency.

Haunting abstract symbolism.

Already crap.

Now Jonathan i did split

however

on the newest teenage romp called

frat slops.

Jonathan i think thought it to be

a light.

Frothy souffle.

Sizzling with youthful energy that i.

On the other hand

i thought it was pond scum.

You're not buying what the hell do you

know now we have a new feature we'd like to introduce on critics corner we hope

you'll enjoy we call it

real life reviews

in which we critique

the life of an average person just like you.

Jonathan

will begin with

a review of the life.

Of Harvey Patrick

no picnic picnic.

Of Skokie Indiana.

Illinois

Illinois

rv picnic or a Skokie

Illinois.

Police camera talking about man and TV.

Now Harvey picnic eu would seem to have all the ingredients for a successful live.

Show

so why does he failed so miserably i don't know.

I think the problem is with Harvey himself

how is this you know you're right it is hard.

Very good Jonathan it is harder

so we're supposed to care about this Harvey picnic.

Why.

I mean it takes him thirty years to develop any character at all

and by the time he does

who cares.

At crucifying me

it's hardly worth the wait didn't like Gandhi either.

Let me show you.

Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work.

Highest scraps.

I kids.

How do they do this.

Hi there.

It is

i didn't.

I didn't consider

this to be.

Cause.

Then it'll be ready.

Okay.

Wow

some exciting home life.

And it goes on like that.

Obviously day in and day out.

Where's the love

where's the passion.

Where's the.

The examination of one's own existence

this is

a poor excuse for a life.

I give Harvey pitt nica

a big thumbs down.

Thumbs down.

By give them a thumbs down too

but i didn't

he

Harvey.

Jonathan

oh.

Granted

his life was a miserable waste of time.

But i rather enjoyed the kafka esque touches.

Here's a loser trapped

in a dead end job and a.

A loveless marriage.

How do they know that just anything to make this man human

and think of the the money it took to bring him into the world would have

to feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him.

And after all that what have you got.

You have got a big bore a dull clod

an empty suit

and another thing i was always one step ahead of this guy's life there just were no

surprises no wait a minute.

What about the end thing of his life.

That came as a surprise.

From a mile away i didn't.

See.

The high blood pressure to

the lack of a.

Cop.

Why of course.

By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV.

Big deal.

Artifact a mundane.

That could have been said.

So.

Let's let.

Down an elevator.

Music could have happened you should have died years earlier.

In a submarine accident.

Just a terribly weak.

Possibly a.

Shine.

With

something to add a little science fiction

too with the.

Tragic waste but who cares.

Oh well

see our time is up we want to thank you very much for joining us on critics corner.

Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you

bye bye.

You could have a better haircut don't you think.

We now return to the nineteen fifty seven film

Amazon.

Starring bill Thomas and buzzy Clark.

There will be no further interruptions.

And here we are in the moon.

As.

Well as.

They could run into any movement.

That intelligent life is you and i knowing.

Where i live.

The martians alphabetically speak the universal language.

Me.

You remember the specialty you took at the academy blackie.

I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain.

Look at that.

Follow me man.

Keep your eyes open.

And on.

I.

Think they're crazy football.

That's a Fuller what you remember where we are.

We.

This is only a hunch but.

What are you doing.

Song.

Just as i thought.

The moon has an atmosphere similar to earth's.

Take off your helmets boys.

Relates to all.

The filming and.

How did you figure it out.

Seems like loony figured it out first.

Yeah

that's my loony

a regular Einstein.

This is what theatre is all about

I've seen it twice it's fabulous.

Go and see it take the kids.

Yes that's what they were saying about last season's highly acclaimed production no

Peter pan.

I know it's brilliant young director hermes leech comes to the public rep.

With a bold new production of Shakespeare's

Antony and

Cleopatra.

Farewell

kind charmian.

Iris.

Long farewell.

And subscribe.

To a season which includes the

daring revival of Anton Chekhov's immortal.

Uncle Vanya.

Nothing at all everything is all

i'm just saying as i was worse perhaps.

Because i begun to grow lazy.

Do anything i just grumble like some old fogey.

As for my mom.

The old magpies tail keeps on chattering about the emancipation of women.

With one eye as she looks into the grave

and with the other.

She studies her learned books looking for the dawn of a new life.

As.

The public read.

Be part of it.

Now this is theater even i can understand.

At last.

The greatest album of love songs ever recorded.

You'll want to share them with someone special.

Why do birds.

Suddenly up.

Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career on.

No soul Simmons.

Just like me.

Thane not

to be.

Why do stars.

Fall down from the sky.

Every time.

You walk by.

Just like

me.

Two.

So

curl up by the fire.

Listen to the non threatening music of this master showman.

And honey i miss.

I.

I love to be

with you if.

It said

Sandy.

Sweet chips.

Here's her picture when she was married.

Young lovers of any age will Cherish this timeless collection of the world's most

romantic ballads.

And if you act now.

This bonus album.

Don Simmons.

Oh.

Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

Was a good friend of mine.

Understood a single word.

This two record collection is not available in any stores

so order now.

Always had some mighty fine why.

Ma'am.

I'm sorry we did everything we could.

Hurt.

All that.

Don't move anything.

This has been.

My heart goes out to you in your time of grief.

Five minutes with a widow

my

dear.

I'll take care of you later.

Who are you.

My card.

Regret and it's red star enterprises.

I rushed right over the moment i heard of Harvey's

unsigned

mind.

Don't worry high.

I

set the wheels in motion.

Yeah.

Are you the undertaker no no no

but i will be working very closely with the O'Leary funeral home where your husband

will be roasted.

He never mentioned anything about cremation.

Cremation.

Oh no no

no you misunderstand

fitness.

Not that kind of a roast.

You kill me with that you know that.

Now i see where Harvey gets a sense of humor.

Is he.

We provide a special service for fun guys like Harvey.

A celebrity roast to send them off laughing.

Think of it.

TV's top comedians will pay homage to Harvey

at a special black tie affair.

What.

Do.

You enjoy getting to me about.

No need to bang me mrs pitney.

You see we provide the days

that tuxedo

special comedy material tailored to the guest of honour.

Mr Rhett.

Nets w d nets read the card please.

And remember our motto fun

is the first syllable in funeral.

Now

ruminating a few details

on Harvey.

Some.

Personal.

Character traits that the comedians can have some fun with

do you ever see this driver's license picture

i guess you had to love them huh.

Here.

Take care of the paramedics when would you please.

Okay let's have a look.

Yeah you still got your hair hard that's too bad

no ball jokes.

Ah but you put on a little weight

will do the fat jokes.

Tell me

did he hit the bottle.

Chase abroad.

How was your sex life home once a week once a month.

Come on come on come on we need to hook a hook hemorrhoids herpes something

something we can hang some zingers.

Tomorrow your husband

to fulfill a lifetime fantasy.

Roast.

Your loved one.

It's beautiful isn't it.

You want another drink.

From the pattern of america's wealthiest author

Irving Sidney

the man who gave us the best sellers

Irving Sidney's the naked virgin

and Irving Sidney's the power and the flesh

comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster.

Movie.

Long time no see.

It must be some mistake

come on when

kitten.

Me.

Part.

I'm in town with the textile convention and i thought maybe we could

you know.

Part a.

I don't do that anymore.

You better get out of here.

With your wit president.

When president Harrison Chandler was married in the white house

it was the social event of the decade.

The courageous president.

And his beautiful new bride.

But she possessed a secret

that could shatter her dreams

and topple the government.

I'll meet you in the Lincoln room

fine.

And

she was forced to live a lie when her sins

came back to mortar.

She was

first lady of the evening.

Irving Sidney's first lady of the evening.

A magnet paperback and easy to read type with no big words.

At times it's been.

And we need the room again.

In republic.

Okay.

Let's move along.

Just relax

sputnik you're young.

You'll meet someone.

Send the kids to camp.

Okay family up front

on the left.

I guess that's it.

Fame to die.

Is clear.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is a way.

Let's have fun with it i.

Am out everybody have a great time.

Faster mr Steele.

Man of the hour

mister Harvey.

Ladies are mortars.

That's all right Harvey don't get up.

Anyway.

Be that as it may though i doubt if it was tonight.

We are here to pay tribute to a close personal friend.

Rv puppet or i'm sharing a.

Picnic rb picnic.

Harvey was a man my friends it was the shaman life.

As it is in death.

A stiff.

Laughs

but all seriousness aside we are going to lay two things to rest

rb picnic.

And the room where the Charlie college was funny.

These gentlemen

are very funny man.

Charlie called.

Rv keep it down.

As.

The gentlemen we're here.

To pay homage to the late Claude the Potemkin.

David.

Koch well whatever.

Does it matter now.

And if

we were alive today he'd be a very sick man.

And.

At.

Time

we had i'm sorry to make this announcement we had two disappointments tonight

Milton berle could not make it.

And rip Taylor could.

Ladies and gentlemen

rep.

Thank you

thank you so much Dave Charlie's set high but keep it down thank you.

How about that.

President couldn't be here a heartbeat to

send a wire.

Admit that nevermind.

What is an audience or a funeral not pay attention.

But i'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine

and there's not a person in this room behind a picnic did not touch.

I must say touched me for forty bucks and Steve for twenty.

Yup folks i don't dance this is.

But i didn't feel for his widow bernice that was a romantic marriage.

Learn everything about sex from a manual.

Emanuel was their gardener.

Abs alright

i better wrap it up now talks about you know the old axiom in show business

get off quick.

Like Harvey on his wedding night.

You die i gotta go

goodbye.

Thank you for some thriller beer tonight to pay tribute

to the late Harvey picnic.

But enough about rv.

Take my wife please.

And why do Jewish divorces cost so much

they're worth it.

And.

Why do Jewish guys die before their wives they won't do.

And that's what i think your hobby.

That you're at a young age for that trip down memory Lane now.

Seriously had a you were never funnier

and it's a shame.

I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey

how about

ugly and cheap.

Hobby wrote his will on his cock.

And his lawyer said it will not stand up in clapham.

Run.

Your own

bed oh.

Oh no it's worth the wait until

you've got the ticket rbs for bottled

water.

I like to say congratulation hobby.

Rigor mortis year the clothes you ever come to a hard on in fifteen years.

Thank you.

Rb himself is going to throw in his two cents as soon as we take em off his eyelids

that.

I don't get it.

Now for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honor his lovely widow bernice nice

and nothing's changed Harvey she's still going to be doing all the talking.

Thanks Batman.

Three.

Thank you much.

Yeah.

No.

Well i would like to inject a serious note

as i

henny youngman did earlier.

Yeah.

I want to say too.

Kirby.

My late husband.

As i looked down at you.

Lying there motionless.

I can only think of one thing.

Our wedding night.

And.

I'll never forget my my last moments with.

Harvey.

As i

as i took him.

My arms.

And i whispered those.

Three little words.

Sign the will.

And

seriously i'm glad to see slappy white here today

now at least i know my hubcaps are safe.

And rep Taylor.

Is better to pay or did a beaver curl up and die in your head.

As.

Many young men today.

So surely bearing.

A o.

One minute the magic giant Danny boy

there's a great crowd out there you're going to go

in the Murray.

We're going kill.

Retard.

Oh.

Okay Dave wake up

to go to work.

Again.

Cause want to give it to the ranch.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Dave.

Date

look.

Picked up the wrong case at the airport.

Well.

Don't leave suddenly right.

To you it is.

Oh

there's Andrew

well.

Look at this way at least he knows his lines.

Ladies and gentlemen

that a.

Man is cow day.

Thank you you're a great audience.

Are they Dave.

He said the.

Is this a good audience.

Yeah.

I

like your hotel room.

As.

They've shown up at his

high school French again.

You were.

You were telling me before your hotel room is kind of small.

How small is.

Way more.

Than what the French.

Jokes you're gonna lose a crowd.

They was telling me earlier that his hotel room was so small.

That when it closes the door

the door knob gets into bed with them.

This.

Book was your spcc.

I apologize ladies in German.

We are.

Just came back from the ventriloquist convention in Paris.

Mixed up in the luggage and.

I wound up with a French partner.

I'm afraid i can't go up with the act.

Excuse me.

I believe i can help.

I happened to have an interpreter dummy with me.

But a break

would you come up here please.

Handmade German.

Vegas not Omaha.

Okay so tell me Dave.

Liebman ID.

My bed that day

drama belt yeah.

He says his name is not believe

it is.

Right Pierre.

Tommy Pierre.

How do you like your hotel room.

Normally bulk the Sharma.

Shyamalan.

Backpack

he didn't.

Get the battery.

He says what to tell whom

he has not been outside the suitcase since leaving base that was the straight line

doesn't even know any hotel jokes.

Luna can say by the black suit laser tag.

Party.

That is.

Just

nasty salir la.

Look i hate to break up this UN debate but i'm trying to do an act here.

He says that he does not do cheap bodily

jokes

but luckily the highest form of character comedy.

Looked here i'm sorry if this is beneath you

but we're not doing more

this audience wants some yaks.

X.

Yaks.

Calmest as

a kid Tuesday's yeah plenty of he.

A Pamela.

How.

Do

i

feel about.

Wow.

That

was fun

yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

What else.

Numbers.

And that job.

Time.

Got.

Video part and the guns are prepared to defend borders.

And.

Gun captains

all the latest home videos.

Relax.

Help yourself mate.

Just full of video discs.

What good are they can't report on

they're not compatible with my system.

Future.

In.

Schools.

At.

I said i don't want to be disturbed

breathing.

It's me Trent.

Trent.

I've been waiting for you

come in.

Terrific.

As soon as i received your cable.

Good god Matt.

What happened.

I've done it Trent.

At long last I've done it.

I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility.

After five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man.

But Griffin.

The invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic.

That's where I've topped the old man.

I've been in the stuff for

a week now

and i'm still perfectly sane

yeah.

Rule the world with my secret.

Yeah

and I'll need you tent

i must have a visible partner.

I can tell by your stumped expression

that you're pretty impressed.

Look mama.

No hands.

I haven't come up with a reagent to make my soap is what we did.

But what's the rush.

I'm having a ball.

Watch me closely.

We.

Oversee your shirt may go for goal.

Ooh.

Pretty scary heart

ooh.

Wait till you see this.

No.

You don't have to go all the way.

Yes.

I.

Just listened for the sound of my voice.

Then you'll know where i am at all times.

That is about three things.

Being visible is about that.

If you.

Go and get some help.

I'll watch it here.

Cool.

In my.

App it must be a ghost in a

this is unreal.

I'm terribly sorry.

Then our Toyota is

here he is officer.

Take it easy with him.

He's not really danger tourists.

Come along quietly then gov.

You'll have to face

for.

Come along.

This one up

going.

In the case of.

Don't touch me there.

As.

We now return to our feature starring Greta Van zandt and Lyle Talbot.

There will be no further interruptions.

It looks like the remains of some ancient culture.

Steve i said some things back there that i shouldn't have.

Anyway.

Thanks for saving me from that dinosaur

forget it.

Hey.

Would you get a load of this joint.

This drone is still warm.

Are you going.

I forgot something back on the show.

I forgot to stay there.

Experiencing technical difficulties please stand by.

You're experiencing tech.

I demand that you set us free queen Lara.

We are on an official mission from the planet earth.

Planet earth

is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky.

You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell the Brooklyn Dodgers silence swine.

Or you will suffer the same fate as your friend.

I intend to file a protest in the death of blackie.

He dared to enter the sacred temple

and steal the precious moonstones

but

feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel is not the way we do

things in america.

I.

Boy i never thought i'd be so miserable surrounded by beautiful dames.

The gags which were in enough trouble.

She looks.

Like she's never seen a man before.

She has it.

Have you asked the beta.

No my queen.

What am i good for.

Yeah

i'm pretty good in the backseat of a studebaker

she.

Men

are useless.

By correct.

No woman is complete without a man.

You see commando Nelson.

Twelve thousand gamma spans ago.

Gamma spam.

One unit of time roughly equivalent to your earth year.

Anyway.

All men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't.

For one hundred and thirty one years

this great institution

has amassed what many consider to be

the finest collection of art anywhere in the world

and now.

It can all be yours.

We've lost our lease.

That's right

everything must go.

From the old masters of Europe

to the conceptual artists of today so.

We're talking rembrandts

buffett shelley's

Gauguin

says that Matisse

renoir and the chairman of the boat.

Nor do.

I think.

This Egyptian sarcophagus

from the dynasty of ramses the second

appraised at fourteen million dollars

our price

nineteen ninety five

buy now and we'll toss in free of charge

the original declaration of independence

and you might expect to pay millions

for this document

that shaped a great nation

but it's yours free.

This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom

and

you can have some

fun with your friends

by adding your own name

along with the original signers

remember

the Cosmopolitan museum of art.

Every Van gogh go.

Must go.

And.

Very brown.

Yes.

Sit down

Mary brown.

Thank you doctor.

Mary.

I've been going over your tests.

How did a nice girl.

Like you.

Come to contract.

A social disease.

Then my worst fears are confirmed.

Oh the shame of it.

No no.

You are unclean.

But.

There's always hope.

Tell me

how you went astray.

Tell me.

I want to.

Erie contest.

Here in Iowa.

I thought i'd try my luck.

New York.

It wasn't like Iowa at all.

And then.

I met a

theatrical agent.

Gosh that sure is different than the sas gorilla we have back home

whether we like it.

After i.

Got married.

I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot of ui.

Oh that's alright i already had lunch.

You'll see there's a social side to this business we call show now.

Let me see your games.

Why.

I was.

So.

Excited.

When he told me he could spot fresh talent

and sent me to see a colleague of his name.

Turned out to be a wild

party.

Dunk your whiskers in this sister.

You guys sure like your sass perilla in this town.

Shut your trap Rob boucher years of.

It's ask me a big.

Cat.

That was my first exposure to new York intellectuals.

Gee whiz.

My first sophisticated new York party.

Which one is Cole Porter.

When you realized that your body had been rendered impure.

What did you do.

I made another

foolish London.

I married my high school sweetheart can.

We

shameful affliction was exposed at last when

Ken began showing symptoms of the disease.

By honey.

I'm going to work.

Goodbye.

I.

Can

what's wrong.

Nice.

Had my sinful ways caught up with me.

Had i inflicted Ken with my secret shame.

Vision.

Began to affect his work.

Though today's reckless youth.

With your

fast roadsters and your rumble seats.

I want to show you something Mary brown for your own good.

Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system.

Problem now with me to the clinic.

What you are going to see here.

Is not pleasant.

I didn't realize we had such specialized.

When science is on the march.

Nothing can stand in his way.

Eu is that pitiful creature.

Pizza.

Pizza first troubles

with smoking cigarettes and

drinking beer were.

Back

we don't have any cigarettes.

I've seen enough.

Resist temptation or you may end up

like people.

And marry.

Hello

Henry silva.

Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and ninety.

People have asked.

How did it happen.

I

joined me.

I'd be dramatically.

Frank ocean liner.

Titanic.

Ocean or not.

You'll be the judge.

Here on this stage.

What do you say we

go park out by the lake.

My glands are out of control.

Well.

Okay Georgie.

But are you prepared.

I've been preparing myself for seventeen years.

That's not what i meant.

Pullovers at drugstore.

Majority.

Make sure you ask for titans.

Those are the best.

Hello George how are you.

Behind the shower i didn't think you work nights.

My

nightmare took shape

what can i do for you.

We're having a sale on shaving cream.

What am i saying are not old enough to shave yet.

Haven't changed since march.

But.

Hey.

I'm better call your mom right now in fact her for the preserves she brought over.

Now.

I mean.

I

mean don't bother.

I'll give him the message

before you.

I bet i know what you want.

You do.

Sure i was young once.

Licorice sticks.

Came in fresh this morning.

Mr gower i'm seventeen years old.

Already.

Seems like only yesterday your mom around here buying talc.

Powder your.

Bottom.

Yeah.

I.

Look.

Never mind.

Thanks.

Almost forgot what i came in fourth.

Tube of toothpaste and

boxes.

Toothpaste in the wash.

Boxed

titans.

Have to speak up George

titans i want a box of titan

condo.

George.

I just think

you were an altar boy.

You did say titans.

Only about four times.

Thanks for Chicago.

Rupert gang president of fighting condoms

graduation.

Are our one billionth customer better.

Thanks but i really gotta go for that

we've been planning this for months it's really not necessary

to have a charge.

How long have you been using our five.

Product.

Stupid to say i never use anything else.

Are you getting all of this you're not going to use my name or

the modesty i like it.

You could gift items that wholesome image we're looking for

do you know what you're doing to me.

Going to know about this you'll be a household name George

just like bip.

Type mascot.

Autograph a box for me.

George.

More good news George even as we speak

your parents are racing here to join you in your moment of.

Trial.

Period so you know.

My name is supposed to have the car make sure you airbrush out exactly.

George.

As a token of our thanks

we'd like you to have this lifetime supply of titan

thank you.

This one.

I like.

George but i can tell

you're as excited.

As you begin this

your year long reign as our titan.

Now the exciting conclusion of the nineteen fifty five feature.

Amazon women of the moon.

There will be no further commercial interruptions.

Bullshit.

Or not.

I.

Oh.

You

to.

Be like this.

Come back to earth with me.

We could have a little house on the base couple of kids.

Of course you'd have to live on a space commander salary.

You make it sound so.

Right.

I cut the.

Tourist

at

the

sky high

yes luck.

The amount of demon is angry

and that ain't just heartburn.

We haven't got much time.

Let's go.

Rock.

Alright.

We got back to earth i'm going to show you.

Saint yourself.

I would.

Enjoy yours without you.

Twelve seconds before.

Fire retros.

And

she will turn on.

Synth that had.

Got a new home.

Adults called sports.

First less.

Hope you have.

Yeah you

come here.

Yeah.

Saturday night.

Yeah.

Ain't got a date.

What's your name kid.

Re.

Re.

As you can see i mean.

You know what i mean.

Years.

Dirty.

Baggy.

What are you doing here i thought you were out of.

Did you

think.

I expected a little more from you ray.

You think i care about a loser like ray.

I

did it to hurt you

to hurt me

well your cheat

days are over street meat.

Why don't you do that yeah

i'm gonna teach you

and

they don't know nothing wimp a lesson

that's what i'm doing with the god.

I love you i.

Love.

You all and that guy enjoyed going up.

We're

you're history sherrie.

Satisfied re.

Happy now.

Buddy.

Well you're gonna have to

live with that guilt for the rest of your life.

And you know what else right.

Gonna have to live with

this too.

You'd have the right to remain silent.

You give up the right to remain silent anything you say

can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at the time

of question.

I was at.

She caught my eye.

Blame it on the bossa.

Blame it on the bus and.

How's.

War two.

Are your parties dull and boring.

Well why not live in them up with the snack food that's sweeping america.

Bad day

it has such a unique flavor

it's more than just an ordinary

table.

Watch.

Know i never saw it advertised to do that.

Never tried silly pat tape before.

The parties.

Saturated fat.

Picks up your favorite

strip.

Doonesbury.

Yes you'll never have a dull lifeless party again with silly.

Silly.

Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere.

This is bb king saying

won't you please give

so that Don salmon to hear

and so many other members of society can become

er yeah.

I like to run a couple compatibility check.

Where do i go.

Usually.

There's a social side to this business records show.

That.

Let me see you again

soon.

What.

Your stems are hd your upholstery let's take a gander.

Gee whiz.

My first sophisticated new York party.

So.

Reducing

embarrassment level by not doing manual dexterity.

Okay.

Ready.

Shop.

Pizza first troubles were with smoking

cigarettes and drinking beer weren't they Pete.

Get back

to back we don't have any cigarettes.

Sad isn't it.

Though he doesn't.

Great.

Of.

Bullshit or not.

Bullshit or not.

Bull shit.

Or not.

I don't want to talk about movies anymore i don't want to talk about the good movies

i can't stand that

tend to make me vomit and i don't like you very much either.

I've

been meaning to tell you that.

I'm glad that finally found it in yourself to be honest

i must tell you one thing

i'm not trying to hurt your feelings but you smell bad doing.

Music it's skunk smells his own hole first is that right expat

never heard that expression.

You're from it was

as

one of those

classic records

yeah that's right a group then

you just fall off the turnip truck.

Well knows last Wednesday i said i felt like when did you fall.

I was driving a man i was trying to run you over that isn't this man's a dunno why

the fuck.

Year of nineteen eighty will be remembered.

As the year an American first set foot on the moon.

You get that.

Yeah.

Regalia is a

dead monkey on board the chopper.

Are allergic pressure in the atom chamber.

Which the emergency.

Produced by line.

Alright.

Chamber's losing pressure you can't believe it

it turned quickly

it looked.

Back.

It's ok

and ok.

I.

Had to go back.

I go back

to the jerk.

Important thing.

Co.

Two.

Ajit.

Yeah.

Tonight ladies and gentlemen yeah it's gone again.

We pay homage to

luckily.

We're here tonight.

To pay honor to.

Hobby bitten it.

See i'm a little nervous because

i just found out that hobbies doctor

out.

God damn.

Go back to go back to the two today.

Today.

The today show.

I take that back.

I keeps lifting.

Hobbit always.

I know that hobby at all.

Go back to day

and.

To me.

Go back yeah go back to you.

Is it on the spot.

I got this from the hind leg of a dog i go by a tree in this whole site goes up in

the air.

Can't you hear me.

You want me to a couple of more jokes.

Do a couple of let

venice biennale do an audition.

See when i go to Israel you're around I'll have a tree uprooted.

Alright bunch of boy.

I.

Watch hybrid turnover and is great but the rest of the Zach but anyway.

Harvey himself instantly loses

the

gentlemen.

Yeah i.

Do a pick up or.

Throw up.

If

you

don't do that anymore.

Don't do that it hurts when i do that don't do that.

You're a doctor i'm dubious that.

Guy walked into a psychiatrist.

Nobody talked to me says night.

Yeah

but if you're close you must say

congratulation hobby.

Riga morality is the closest to a hard on

that you have ahead and fifteen yeah laughs.

At the close the picture for you.