Original subtitles

Okay.

Whoo-hoo! Carey!

Yeah, Carey! Whoo!

Carey has requested that all the guests

make a video message.

Hm.

Am I waiting for a countdown or what?

- Here. - Thanks.

Happy birthday, Mr. Popular.

And thank you.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Thank you all so much for coming.

It's, um...

you're awesome.

I... I have a thousand things to say.

So, I am... I'm just not gonna say anything and, uh...

we're gonna begin with, uh... Thank you.

Um...

I'm gonna begin with the first song

that I ever wrote for Simon.

It's, uh, it's called "Too Smart."

Whoo!

Uh, I should just say,

I wrote this after a few martinis.

So, this is more like

the fantasy version of our first date,

which isn't far from what actually happened,

except that, in reality, we slept together

on the first...

Hey, watch it!

I'd be married to you.

Watch a doin'?

- Nurturing my weaknesses. - Uh-huh.

And telekinesis is first on the list?

Cooking, you weirdo.

I'm glad you're in my life, you know that?

- What did you break? - Nothing.

- Nothing, I'm just feeling... - Guilty?

Grateful.

Good.

You're about to get gratefuler.

Oh, gratefuler's not a...

You're just gonna leave the whole place like this?

Hey, this is a total disregard for...

I have some news.

- Well, so do I. - You look dapper.

- Well, that's not news. - Were you at a funeral?

What? No.

I had that photo shoot before my...

Dapper? Really?

Huh, thank you.

I'm kinda itchy, though. I think I'm allergic to tweed.

Can... can you remind me to get a toothbrush?

- Mine fell in the toilet. - Okay.

So, does your news by any chance involve Ritalin?

Uh, no, it, uh...

it involves, uh, eggs.

Disappointing.

And, uh, and... and... and your penis.

Intriguing.

And something cute and small that you've wanted

for a long time.

What's that?

You're getting my hopes up right now.

And if you're talking about a bunny,

I will never forgive you.

What would your penis have to do with a bunny?

Carey. Hey.

Are...

Are you...

Wha...

Holy shit!

No. No, no, no. No more swearing.

We... we have to be role models from now on.

Well-rounded role models who... who... who cook.

Holy fucking shit! We're having a baby!

We're having a...

Oh, wait, wait. This isn't a joke, right?

No, that would be mean.

You've done that kind of thing before, Carey.

Never again... no swearing,

no takeout, no unmotivated cruelty.

Holy frickin' poop!

I know, right? Wait, where are you going?

Uh, I need to get some air.

You can't tell anyone yet.

Yes!

Wait, what's yours?

- What, what? My what? - Your news.

- Pales in comparison. - I thought it might.

Bill! Guess what?

Today is epic! Okay?

Uh, we're getting a bunny.

Oh, well, keep it away from my daughter, Savannah.

She's stronger than she looks.

Holy shit.

- Oh, no! - Shh, shh, shh!

This is why we need pre-natal classes.

Still cute, though.

Jamar? James? Jasper?

- Oh, Jesus. - Too hipster?

Boring.

You're grumpy today.

Well, thank you for saying so.

That always helps.

Jesus counts as a swear word, by the way.

Five bucks in the cursing jar.

Okay, if there is a jar... And, just as an aside,

no one under the age of 80 uses the word "cursing"...

It isn't activated

until both parties are aware of its existence.

And five dollars?

You're insane. That's way too much.

- Honey. - Yes, love muffin?

Why are you reading the obituaries?

Because I'm being a responsible husband.

Looking up baby names.

- Simon, they're dead people. - Cocksmith?

- Double latte? - Uh, that... that's mine.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

Sorry.

It shocks me that people

go through life with these names.

Eleanor Farts, for example.

- That is not in there. - Yeah, it is.

Eleanor Farts.

I mean, what kind of life

must she have had with that name?

Was she married?

Uh, da-da-da-da, yada, yada, yada.

"Loving wife to Lewis."

Lewis Farts.

And she took his name.

Oh, man.

They had kids.

- Fucking car accidents. - Whoa!

All right.

Hey, you're gonna get us banned.

- What? - It's your rule.

With the swearing. Let's go.

Fine. Yeah, we can do that.

Great. Good.

- All right. - Mm-hmm?

- Mm-hmm. - Check in there.

I have so much money, it's just...

Hey, can I borrow five dollars?

Ah!

Oh, this is a good one.

Monica Motherfucker.

Seriously.

Ooh, Lavinia.

I like that one.

Lavinia. I'm gonna add it to my list.

What?

Well, Lavinia is a character

from a Shakespeare play.

Perfect, it'll make us sound smart.

She had her hands hacked off

and her tongue cut out.

See, that right there is why I don't like Shakespeare.

Yeah, you always stick to the comedies.

There's fewer amputations.

"How happy some o'er other some can be.

Through Athens I am thought as fair as she."

Um, why do you know that?

I trod the boards.

Yeah, a few times in high school.

That is a shameless lie.

It is not a lie! I never lie.

Midsummer Night's Dream, tenth grade.

Winter's Tale, eleventh grade.

Midsummer Night's Dream, twelfth grade.

Were you the donkey?

I'll have you know that I won

the Holy Blessed Sacrament's Dramatic Arts Award

for my portrayal...

of a young lover.

- I... I am very proud of you. - Thank you.

Why haven't you bragged about this before?

Because, I...

...played Helena.

- Excuse me? - I played Helena!

It was an all-boys school and I was skinny.

And had rosy cheeks and a demure disposition.

Oh, my God, can you please do another one.

Absolutely not.

I will let you win the next three fights.

- "And I, an old turtle." - You played a turtle?

What? No. It's a metaphor. It's from The Winter's Tale.

"And I, an old turtle,

- will wing me..." - Turtles can't fly.

I believe Mr. Shakespeare is referring to a turtle dove.

Well then why doesn't he just say

- turtle dove? - Oh, God.

"And I, an old turtle, will wing me

to some withered bough,

and there, my mate...

that's never to be found again,

lament...

till I am lost."

That's enough couple time for me.

I like that quote.

- Will you write it down for me? - Aha!

A born-again fan of the bard.

Wait, wait, wait. Come on, where are you going?

I need to wing me to school,

where 36 minds are waiting to be shaped.

- On a Saturday? - Yeah, we have band practice.

Oh, I wasn't aware that band could shape minds.

Huh.

Wait! I wanna give you something.

- No! - Yes!

- No. - Please, please, please.

- No! - I'm not gonna do anything.

I don't trust you, even a little bit.

I won't do anything. Come here. Here.

What was that for?

I just haven't kissed you in a while.

You kissed me this morning.

- Shh. - Ew.

Shakespeare is... Shakespeare is depressing.

Don't be depressing.

- =Be this guy. - Hmm.

Yeah, you know that's me, right?

Yeah, look how happy you are with your big, white teeth.

Ah, the better to eat you with.

- Ew. No. - No?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay, I'm going upstairs. Go buy oat milk.

Yes, dear.

What?

What is going on?

Oh, my God.

Babe!

You were... it's your... In the window.

I can't hear you.

I hate this game.

What? You're...

Where are you going?

It helps while you're working

to seem like you want to be here, Owen.

Let's role play.

I'm a customer, I am bleeding from the head,

and I'm looking for the hospitals.

You should probably just go to a hospital.

So, I'm like, "What do you hear? Nothing.

Because you're listening to old person music."

Hi! Can I help you find something?

Yeah, I'm just looking for the philosophy section?

Do you need a pen?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Okay, uh, I...

I can find one. Here.

I am your man with the pen.

He... here, um...

Thank you.

Um...

sorry, what are you doing?

I mean, sorry, what are you... What are you writing?

Lyrics. Sort of.

Oh, you write songs?

Sort of.

Always in bookstores?

Not usually. It's been a weird day.

Could I see what you got so far?

Um...

- May, the 4th. - Like, the date?

Yes. But also the title.

"May the 4th be with you."

No.

You play guitar?

I do... I do. But I quit. I... I'm more of a singer.

But I quit that too... it's...

Well...

yeah, it's a long story, so...

Oh, I got time.

- I do not. - I'm Owen.

Yeah, I... I got that. Your name tag.

Okay, it was nice to... Thank you, Owen.

No, too gross.

What?

You said bullshit.

- No, I didn't. - You sang it.

- Sing-swearing doesn't count. - Oh!

So, what are we gonna do with this, huh?

- It's for the baby. - Boring.

All right, you know what we should do?

We should save up for a, uh, for a vacation.

In, like, Cuba or something.

Yeah, 'cause communism is so relaxing.

North Korea?

Um, are you scrap booking?

It's just for work.

What is with you?

What is with you?

Um, and by the way, I hate to break this to you,

but, uh, we're not gonna be able to afford a vacation

for at least, like, three years.

I think we're gonna have to do it sooner than that.

Oh, my God! You'll be 40.

No, I won't.

Yeah, you will. I mean...

No. 40 sucks.

I'm not gonna be 40. Nope.

I'm not gonna be 40,

because I'm never, ever, ever gonna be 40.

Are you actually upset?

No.

Good. It's settled.

The money goes to a big fat 40th birthday

with 40 little candles on a 40-inch cake.

Oh, are you cheating on me?

I'm not the one eyeing baristas.

- Two ché. - No, no, no, no, no.

Touché.

- Ah? - To...

- Touché. - Two ché?

You speak French?

Je speak lebest French.

- Oh, boy. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

What are you looking for?

Uh... what?

Um, well, you're... you're here, so...

- I figure you must want a... - Oh! I...

...un livre.

I, um...

an art... art book.

Okay, we have that. Um, anything specific?

Like...

Drawing?

All right.

So, you're a musician and an artist?

Oh, God no. I can't draw a happy face.

I just thought...

creative outlet, you know?

Other than music?

Yeah.

Why not just get better at, uh...

music?

- Thanks. - No, I'm...

I learned French as a child.

Obviously.

And, um, then I studied Spanish and Latin

in high school, and then a year ago

I... I studied, uh, Korean, when I cracked my patella.

You... you speak five languages?

No, I... I speak no languages.

That's my point.

You know, if I would've stuck with French

I would be fluent and I could be the Prime Minister by now.

Instead of slinging books and answering to a toddler.

- Uh... - Well...

- Oh, right. - Mm-hmm.

- Right. - Sorry.

- I'm not so good at, uh... - Talking?

Striking people.

I mean, with striking people, you know?

Not actually striking them.

I'm in a band.

Cool. Cool.

I don't know why I said... I mean I said that

'cause I just want you to know I don't...

It's not what I do, work here.

I mean, I work here, but it's not who I am.

Not that I judge people who do do just this.

I'm sweating.

- Yeah. - Uh...

Uh...

I wondered...

I'm wondering, if maybe

you'd wanna grab a coffee with me sometime?

Oh, wow.

Uh, I can't.

- Of course. - I would... I would love to.

- Um... - But?

- I can't. - Mm-hmm, yeah. Mm-hmm.

I... I'll have a think about that.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

I still didn't get your name, by the way.

It's really nice talking to you, Owen.

I hope you weren't smoking on the lawn.

I wasn't smoking, I was quitting.

With a cigarette in your mouth?

It's unlit and it's menthol.

- This is phase two. - And what was phase one?

Switching to menthol.

You've always smoked menthols.

Phase one is a very long phase.

May I?

Please do.

So, why am I here?

Because you missed us?

No, I got a message from Simon.

"Please call me, Mother.

I have important news, Mother."

Yeah, so, the normal human response

would be to just call back.

I tried that several times.

Oh, damn, I must have hit the red button

instead of the green one.

Well, it's... It's so nice to see you.

I... I can't think of anything he'd need to tell you.

Especially not now, this month.

What's the news?

Yeah, Simon, what's the news?

You...

Um...

you know, that, uh, we've decided to, uh...

you know, to get some help.

With, uh, the...

baby making.

What Simon means is... is that we've decided

to start trying,

and, so, if all goes well,

we'll... we'll have some actual news sometime soon.

And... and then...

...we can wait until the first trimester is over

and we'll let you know.

We're having a baby.

- Simon! - Oh, lord.

- Are you sure? - Yes, yes, mother. We're sure.

- You're gonna be a grand... - No. Don't you dare.

A baby.

I... I... I... I'm only at ten weeks.

- Nine and a half weeks. - Very different from the movie.

A baby. A baby.

A baby!

And, actually, it feels kinda good to tell someone.

Just because I'm not frowning,

doesn't mean you're not in serious trouble.

Didn't understand any of that, too many negatives,

just gonna keep smothering.

You need to work on delivering good news.

That message was somber.

And, uh...

I...

well done on the... On the baby making front.

You will be a wonderful mother.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank goodness.

Because if he's anything like his father,

you'll be bringing it up alone.

- Excuse me? - What?

He abandoned us.

And that kind of thing can be genetic.

He didn't abandon us, he died.

He did that, too.

Okay, you know what, this has been great.

You should really invite yourself over more often.

No, hey, don't be so sensitive. I was just pointing out...

I'd rather be like him than you.

- Simon! - And there we go.

He didn't mean that.

- Yes, he did! - Um...

I... I'll get you a glass of water, okay?

No, you cannot possibly take her side on this one.

I am not taking anyone's side,

because I'm an adult, not a six-year-old.

Can you stop putting glasses on the bottom?

She makes me wanna kill people with my hands.

Then why did you phone her?

Nice secret-keeping, by the way.

You should be a spy!

I didn't think she'd actually show up.

You're not supposed to tell anyone.

I know, I know, I know.

But don't I look handsome?

Hm? Mmm.

I am gonna go out there.

And I'm gonna make her feel better.

And then I'm gonna come back in here

and you're gonna make me feel better.

Wait, can I use the magic sex pinkies?

Not this time.

Bev, I...

I'm too upset to hydrate.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

He can be cruel.

Sometimes.

He doesn't get it from me.

He... he might've gotten it from me.

- He loves you a lot. - No.

Aside from me, you're the only person

he's comfortable being mean to.

Ah, lucky us.

Hm.

Relationships are hard work.

As many of you know. Uh...

You can say that again.

We all do...

Sorry, I didn't mean you two in particular.

You seem, um...

Just... Um...

We all do stupid things

and we make mistakes, but...

when you're wildly in love, you find a way

to move past these mistakes.

'Cause it's a rare and miraculous thing...

to find your one, true soul mate.

Owen.

Sorry, I can't remember that one.

Okay, yeah, we'll...

Uh, we'll just go on to the next one.

- Whoa! - Hi, sorry.

I'm sorry. Whoa, hi.

I'm... I'm sorry. Are you... you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right, I...

My upper back's really sensitive.

- I didn't see you. - Oh, I...

You look nice.

Thanks.

Did I look a little rough last time?

No, no. No.

I mean, you looked a little tired,

and your... your nose was red.

Like you'd been outside.

Wow.

In a good way. In a cute way.

Like an Irish person or a Scottish person

or someone with a... Fair complexion.

- You know what I mean? - Hm.

Anyways, yeah. Hi.

- You look nice today, too... - Thanks.

- ...Owen. - Thank you.

Um...

I'm Carey, by the way.

I... I don't think I... I actually told...

- Told you that last time... - It said it on your card.

- Right. - Which you gave to me.

Yes.

Uh, thanks for your email, by the way.

- Made me laugh. - Good.

That wasn't my goal, but good.

My goal was...

to get you to email me back, but...

Um.

Um, yeah, a... about that, um...

Hey, but you're here now, so that's a nice surprise.

Full of surprises.

Um, I, uh...

um...

I shouldn't have done that the other day.

Uh, given you my card.

I'm... I'm...

I'm just not in a... A... any position to be...

You know, I... I... I can't...

be going on dates,

so I shouldn't be giving out my card willy-nilly.

Did you come and see me to tell me

you can't come and see me?

Um...

I really liked meeting you.

I... I just... I have a situation.

Situation?

Are you taken?

- Taken? - Yeah.

Taken.

Uh, no, I'm not that.

I'm, uh...

just...

Do you wanna grab a coffee?

- Yes. - I... I can't.

No. Okay, how about just a walk?

Let's just walk.

- Yeah, okay. - Yes?

- Yeah. Okay. - Yes? Fabulous.

Let's go right now. Come on.

What? Aren't you on the clock?

No, doesn't... well, I am, but, doesn't matter.

Come on, let's do this. To the walk!

You... ...do you have a question?

I was going for the high five, you know?

Oh! Okay.

Um, okay.

- Okay. - Come on.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, no, that job will suit you better.

My parents are gonna hate you.

Okay, I'll see you at rehearsal.

Keep practicing. No excuses.

I...

Dreadful age.

Can be. That one's a good egg.

I... I... is something wrong?

Why?

Y... you just... you've never come here before.

Ever.

Today is the day...

my husband left me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean... No, no, no, not today.

It was... it was years ago.

- Yes. Yeah, I... - I've had a few Manhattans.

You've earned them.

You wanna know what destroyed my marriage?

I mean, besides the fact

that he slept with hundreds of women.

I mean... I mean... I mean literally hun... hundreds.

- Sounds exhausting. - Uh-huh.

Secrets.

Secrets killed the marriage.

Now, I know...

that he is not a good communicator.

But that just means that you have to try.

Even... even if it means

opening up a box of worms.

- Can of... - Can of worms.

- Oh, baby. - Ah...

Reflex.

Um... I'm sorry.

- Uh... - Bye, girls.

Those three are dreadful.

Maybe I'll let Simon handle the teen years.

So, you're, uh, happy now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Cling to it.

Memorize it.

They always leave.

Shoot.

She's having a baby, she needs to know.

Uh, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot.

She's been doing that a lot.

Well, she's here now,

so you can speak to her directly.

It's not a problem.

Um, I wanted to talk to you about your period.

Buy me dinner first.

What was day one of your last cycle?

Two months ago, three months ago...

- I think she's talking to me. - Well, then answer her.

Dude, it's your mother.

She showed up to my school, drunk, so, you know...

- worth responding. - What?

What did she say to you?

I'll give you guys a couple minutes?

No, we're good. I'm sorry.

We... I just need to check my period tracker

that's on my phone

that my husband confiscated, so, just...

It's okay.

Take your time.

Okay.

Uh, thanks.

So...

Looks like your due date is actually...

November 12th.

That's my mother's birthday.

Yay.

We'll do a quick examination

and then we'll look into finding you an OBGYN.

- Okay. - All right.

That's mature.

Why were you so rude in there?

Honestly, I'd rather wait until...

Are you going through something?

Am I... wow.

I mean, is there something on your mind?

Huh, I don't know, what's on my mind,

episiotomies, placenta, giant effing needles

- in my spine. - Come on.

Loss of bowel control, ripping of any kind.

I don't even like children.

- You're a teacher. - Exactly. So I know.

They're manipulative

and they're too stupid to even hide it.

They're us, but worse.

Why would I wanna go through all that...

That pain and puffiness just so I can bring a bald,

mini version of myself into the world,

and teach it all the things that are wrong with us,

plus new things... no thanks.

- Carey. - What?

I have a headache, and you're ranting.

You always have a headache!

And you're ranting.

- Oh, my God. - I don't want a baby.

- Yes, you do. - My body, my choice.

You've been taking pre-natal vitamins since we met.

Because they're gummies and they're delicious.

Okay.

- You told me you wanted this. - I know.

Okay, so what is going on

and why is it going on so fucking loudly?

Stop. Not right now.

Are you okay?

You're the one that's acting like Satan's evil wife.

Wouldn't that make you Satan?

Ever since I told you about the baby,

you've been acting weird.

If it's gonna change everything, then...

Are we seriously having this conversation?

Maybe we aren't ready.

We've been ready for two years.

I know, I... I just...

I don't wanna feel like I'm doing this

- all by myself. - You're not.

You're not, you...

You could.

What?

You could. You could do it by yourself.

- So could I. - That's what I'm talking about.

It is weird to say that to your pregnant wife.

I have never wanted anything this much

in my entire life.

Then why are you being weird?

How? How? How?

Please, tell me how I'm being weird.

You're...

You're being so nice all the time,

and you're not maintaining eye contact.

Carey, Carey.

Please. Listen to me.

Is it possible, possible...

is it possible...

that this is hormonal?

Is it possible...

that you are an ass face?

Are you okay?

No.

What? Hey.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no, I just...

- I just meant that... - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Carey. Carey.

Why... wh... wh... wh... What do you mean... why?

- Are you... do you hate me? - What?

Are you cheating on me? Fuck...

- What? - Are you... are you sick?

- Carey, what is going on? - Why aren't you okay?

- What is happening? - I get cramps. I get cramps.

- Why aren't you okay? - I... I... I just meant that

I could never be described as okay, okay?

- I'm exquisite. - Are you joking?

- You're joking right now? - What?

I... no, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

But now I can see that this was probably not the right time.

- Swear to me. - What?

- Swear to me. - Come on.

- Fuck balls. - Nothing about this is funny.

Swear to me that everything is okay, that we're gonna be okay.

- Oh, my God, okay, I swear. - Make it official.

What?

Make it official.

What... it's a totally different kind of swearing.

- I'm being serious. - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I...

Simon Patterson, swear...

that everything is okay.

Expand.

I swear that I do not hate you,

I swear that I am not cheating on you,

and I swear that I am not...

I'm... I'm fine, okay? I'm fine. We're fine.

You're insane, but we're fine.

We're fine.

I love you.

But if you leave me,

I will track you down and I will kill you.

And I will support you in that decision.

We can make it through anything.

We just have to do it together.

I know.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

That conversation just...

...got away from me.

See?

Maybe not here.

- Okay. - Oh. All right.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Okay, I have to think of one.

Um...

well, do you want kids?

Yikes, that's a...

That's a bigger question than I...

Okay, do you snore?

Um, I do not snore,

but I occasionally sleepwalk

and I sleep-punch.

First girl I ever dated punched me in the face.

Gave me a black eye.

- In her sleep? - No.

Uh, then how does...

- How does that relate to, um... - I was asleep.

- What... what did you do? - Well, I woke up.

- No, to deserve that. - Nothing.

She was reaching for the alarm and missed.

Her depth perception was off.

- Cool story. - Thank you.

- You go. - All right.

Oh, I got a really good one.

Um...

what do your parents do?

Nothing. They're dead.

- What? - Yeah. Yeah.

Mine, too.

You wanna talk about it?

Uh...

Yeah, I don't really either.

What about your job? How did all that come about?

You mean why does an adult have an adolescent's job?

No.

I did... I didn't mean it like that at all.

I mean... No.

Really? I think you did.

I didn't.

It's hard to make a living as a musician.

- News flash. - Yeah, it certainly is.

I mean, I open for big bands sometimes,

and I do the odd orchestral gig,

but there's not a lot of money in it, so...

You play classical guitar?

I... yeah, it's not my focus, though.

What's your focus?

This strange woman I met at a bookstore.

- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Oh.

You're honest, aren't you?

You're a good person.

That kinda feels like a trap.

I don't know if I am.

I feel guilty all the time, and...

like I don't even deserve to, um...

I've been thinking about you a lot.

Not a creepy amount, but...

I think you're...

I find you to be...

You make me nervous. Does it show?

Hardly at all.

I... it's been lovely getting to know you.

Is what I mean to say.

Yes, it has.

- Ah, shit. - I'm sorry.

- I'm... I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean... - I'm sorry.

Thought it would feel worse not to try.

- Turns out I was wrong. - Uh...

I'm sorry.

Um...

play something?

I...

Is that the end?

That's the end.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Um, hi.

Ah, uh...

Uh, h... how are you?

I've been better.

You know, actually, I... I... I have to go.

Uh, the car.

Y... you know, the... the parking meter.

Yeah.

That was weird. Who was that?

Um...

How does that happen?

Why do things like that always fucking happen?

- Um... - Who was that? You all right?

Yeah, uh...

- Simon's mother. - Who's Simon?

I... I just... I just haven't seen her in a while.

Um...

Carey, who's Simon?

My... my husband.

Right.

Um, honey?

Yes, sugar shorts?

What's with the disguise?

Oh, my eyes are just bugging me.

I pumped myself full of drugs and...

blocked out all the light.

You should see Dr. Rose again.

I'm telling you, it's a penis.

Wh... what?

It is not a penis.

I think it might be.

Well, then, our child has a penis

- growing out of her foot. - His foot.

I'm positive it's a girl.

Yeah, I think so, too.

What?

Why have you spent the last four days

defending an opinion you don't actually hold?

I find conflict sexy.

I find being right sexy.

Oh, well then I guess

we're both feeling pretty sexy.

Not really. I'm too bloated.

I'll give you this, though.

Whoa!

For the spank bank.

Oh, that's filthy.

That's even worse than swearing.

Spank safe, bank safe, context definitely counts.

So many rules.

Okay, well...

if our penis-footed friend here is actually,

in fact, a girl, what are we gonna name her?

'Cause I like...

Gretchen.

- Gretchen? - Mhm.

Gre...

"Hey Gretch, go fetch."

Nope. Too many dog jokes.

No, no, it's more like, um...

"That Gretchen...

...she's so fetchen."

"Hey, Gretchen, where's Hansel?"

That doesn't make any sense.

I like Rachel.

- Rachel? - Yeah.

Rachel, like...

- "Hey, Rachel." - Yeah.

"Rachel, hey, come here.

Come here, Rachel.

Rachel, you smell like a..."

Actually, Rachel's not the worst.

Thank you for forgiving me.

For what?

For turning into a raging psychopath.

Oh.

Which time?

Okay.

What is happening?

Um...

did... did you take ecstasy?

[Corey giggling]

No.

But I do need another coffee, I think.

Muah.

Do you want one?

- Oh, I'm pregnant. - What?

Does this mean we're having twins?

- No caffeine. - Oh, okay,

white wine then.

- Pregnant. - Sashimi.

- Pregnant. - Unpasteurized dairy products.

- Go away forever. - Okay.

What if it's a boy?

Uh, we can sell him.

I'm talking about names.

Um...

I don't know, Gretchen is nice.

Oh, what about Seitan?

- Satan? - No, Seitan, like the...

The meat substitute.

You're a maniac.

You're the one that eats that shit.

That's five dollars.

- Was it worth it? - God.

You're the one that eats that "poo."

You are so unsupportive of my vegetarianism.

I don't think if you eat chicken

you get to call yourself a vegetar... tarian.

I'm a chickatarian.

Tough crowd.

Maybe I should drink wine, maybe it'd make me funnier.

Simon?

Are you ignoring me?

Simon?

Simon?

What... babe.

Simon?

Simon?

Babe.

Wake...

wake up.

No.

No! No!

No, no, no!

My boy.

It... it's raining.

I can see that.

Like, really raining.

End of the world raining.

Guess you better come in.

I... I'm sorry for just showing up.

I...

I left you a few messages and I...

I wasn't sure if you got them.

I got them.

Well, I just wanted to, um...

Secrets are a bit of a deal breaker for me.

Lies, even more so.

You should've just told me.

It would've changed everything.

Yeah, it would've.

And why would you kiss me if you were...

why would someone do something like that if they're married?

It-it's not that simple.

W... we can... We can do this another time.

Um, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I just really liked you, y... you know?

I'm sorry.

I don't want your sympathy.

- That's not what I mean. - Yeah,

I... I don't want sympathy, either.

For what?

I... I'm gonna tell you this and then I'm gonna go.

I'm not married.

I was married.

I feel married.

But I'm not.

He died. My husband.

Wow.

What?

Uh, you just didn't say sorry.

Everyone always apologizes when I...

When they hear, and, uh,

it always makes the repressed comedian in me

want to say "Why did you kill him?"

I always thought it would be nice for someone

to just stay quiet.

How long has it been?

No time.

A lifetime.

Three years.

Well, it was three years on May the fourth.

- May the fourth. - Um,

I'm gonna head out now.

And, uh...

maybe we can talk later about art,

or clowns or something.

Uh...

just not... not this.

Anything...

anything but this.

Um, I... I'm sorry for kissing you.

I liked you, too.

Old chocolate.

Ew, Simon. Gross.

Huh.

- In his pocket. - Yeah.

Why don't you take a break from this for a while?

I don't know how to do this.

I know, dear.

I know that I am not always the...

warmest, or the best.

But I am there for you and your daughter.

Uh, or son.

Now.

I'm gonna smoke this.

I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna light it,

and I'm gonna smoke it.

What the fuck?

Bev.

Bev.

- Bev, Bev. - You alright?

I found this.

Oh, my dear. That...

This is... This was in his pocket

in with the candy wrappers and the fucking... Sorry.

- Did you... did you read it? - Only the beginning.

There... Those aren't good results.

"Berry aneurysm?"

I... I don't even know what that... is that what it...

- Look, le... let's go inside. - No, no, no.

I... I... I... He must've not understood this.

I have to call Dr. Rose.

It's not her fault.

No, Simon wouldn't have kept this from me.

He... he told me everything.

He... he...

I mean he... he gave me daily updates on his...

On his bowel movements, for fuck sake.

For God's sake. For fuck sake!

- You... you're pregnant. - I'm fine. What...

No, no I... I mean that maybe he thought

in your condition you couldn't handle the news.

The news that he was dying?

Simon doesn't lie.

Bev, h... he... H... he... he didn't lie.

He told me everything.

He didn't tell you about this.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to...

spell this out for me.

You're saying that...

he knew he was sick?

He... he didn't know, obviously, how sick.

He couldn't have known how sick, right?

We should've told you.

He told you?

Why would... Why would he tell you?

Because I'm his mother.

Why... why wouldn't you tell me?

He asked me not to.

I... I... I'm his mother.

I mean, he... he's my son.

I'm sorry, I need you to leave.

No, Carey, we can get through this together.

No, I will never get through this.

I will never get through this.

My husband is dead and now you're telling me

that... that I didn't know him?

We're having a child

and he won't be here for any of it.

And he...

...he made that decision without me

and he... he had no right.

No right, and he is a liar

and he's a dick.

- Carey. - He's a son of a dick.

There is some truth there, his father was...

No, you.

You allowed this to happen.

We were trying to protect you.

Well, you didn't do a very good job, did you?

I'll come by tomorrow.

No, you won't.

Carey, please.

I have no one else to...

I'll come tomorrow.

Clear up your fucking stuff!

It bit me.

Oh, no. What bit you, honey?

The flower.

The flower bit you?

Oh, no.

Should we go get a band-aid?

Yeah, we should probably go get a band-aid.

Okay, do we want...

do you want a superhero or a mermaid?

- Super maid. - A super maid?

Yeah, we could definitely use one of those around here.

Is that the super maid at the door?

What?

Okay, you choose, honey. I'll be right back.

Alright? And then we're gonna go take a nap.

Uh-oh.

The stalkee has become the stalker.

I hope this isn't too bold.

Bo... bold is good. I... I like bold.

Uh, it's just...

a... actually, c... come on in, yeah.

- Sorry. - Uh-huh.

Your house is... not small.

- Dead parents. - Right, right.

I inherited the house, the debt,

and a questionable oil can collection.

All I got were night terrors.

I want to thank you for your message.

I didn't offend you with the whole...

"let's be friends" thing?

That wasn't my favorite part.

Yeah, um...

Do you have a train fetish?

Oh, no, uh, they,

uh, actually belong to my, uh...

- Son? - Daughter.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Wow.

I don't think you mentioned that.

I didn't want to lay all of it on you at once.

You didn't lay any of it on me.

I'm working at being more open.

Mhm.

- Um... - Mama!

- Oh. - Whoops.

I'll be right there, honey.

- I'm gonna go. - No, please. Don't.

Because she's just about to go down for a nap.

Come on.

Peanut, Peanut, honey, come meet mama's friend.

- Are you sure? - Hi.

- This is Owen. - Hey.

- That looks serious. - Yeah.

A flower bit her finger.

Uh, okay.

Oh.

I'm the pirate and you're the bunny.

You need help with that? There you go.

Good girl. Whoa.

You look like a real pirate.

Are we gonna fight?

Are you gonna have a picnic?

Oh, really? I mean, my last picnic

was a bit of a bust, but maybe I'll make an exception.

What do we got in there?

It's milk. We're having tea.

- Oh. - Oh.

On our picnic, was that your mother-in-law we ran into?

- Bev, yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Is she okay?

Um, I don't... I don't know.

I, uh, that was the first time I've seen her in a while.

Does she live out of town?

- Or... - Um...

Hey, hun, do you want to go upstairs

and go get your art stuff?

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to...

- Oh. - Um...

It's fine. I, um...

Uh, I'm happy to talk about it.

- Happy to talk about anything. - Except that you...

I haven't seen her since before the funeral.

She didn't go to the funeral?

I didn't go.

Um, s... so, how... how did you, uh...

how did you say goodbye?

To her? Or...

No, to him.

Um...

Listen to me.

I like you.

I... I can't. I...

I wanna be your friend.

You kept some pretty important stuff from me,

and I still don't totally understand that,

but I'm not going anywhere.

If you ever need somebody to give you advice,

or just someone to talk to, I'm your man, okay?

I mean your person.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

My first piece of advice, for instance, would be to...

get in touch with your mother-in-law.

Whoa, don't hold back. Yeah.

Living with guilt all the time is no way to live.

She's...

she's a bad influence.

I know. She's unpredictable, and she smokes, and...

I smoke weed now and then.

That's fine, I would too,

but it makes my eyelids puff up, so, I can't.

I think you should phone her.

She lied to me.

People lie.

Hey, I was wondering. Do you want to play with me?

Music, I mean.

Do you want to play music with me?

- I... I would love to. - Cool.

I think I'm gonna have a lot more free time on my hands.

- Did you... - I quit my job, yeah.

- That's amazing. - Thank you.

I felt I wasn't gonna get anywhere with it

unless I fully committed to it.

- Right. - Yeah, you know?

It.

Um...

so...

friends, right?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Friends. Okay.

Mama! I couldn't find them.

Um... Oh, my God.

We... we can, um...

We can continue this conversation...

Yeah, at some other time.

- Like, in a week? Or... - I... I'll call you.

Yeah, I'll call you too.

Seems excessive, but, um...

Okay.

We're gonna be serious.

- Cats. - Why?

Because you can leave them at home at night

and they don't mind.

How do you know?

Fair point.

- I'm getting a cat. - Really, what kind?

Lynx.

Wow. A lynx.

Well, that is a bold choice. I'm impressed.

Her daycare did a project on Alaska.

- Oh. - Do you play guitar?

I do.

Wow. Not a music fan?

- Short attention span. - Hm.

I don't know where she gets it.

Hm.

Oh, honey, remember I told you to be careful with that?

- Is that your mom's guitar? - Yeah.

Okay.

It's very pretty.

Oh, yeah, oops.

You told her to be careful,

then I'm the one who hit it on the table.

Do you want me to play something?

Okay. Um...

this is something I think your mom

should help me write lyrics for.

What are you lookin' at?

I don't believe in collaboration.

And yet it exists.

Maybe he does need some help, right?

Maybe he needs some help.

Or I could just roll with those lyrics.

You know what,

I don't need your help anymore.

I got it.

Thanks for meeting me. For showing up.

All you ever had to do was ask.

This arrived at my home.

Yes.

I don't understand it.

It's a birthday invitation.

You're throwing him a birthday party?

A birthday party slash concert slash wake.

A little late for that, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Why send one to me?

Because Simon would've wanted you to be there.

Oh, I see.

And when did, uh, Simon's wishes become important?

- Bev. - Simon would've

wanted me to know my granddaughter.

I made a mistake.

A mistake?

No, buying twin sheets for a queen-sized bed is a mistake.

Skipping your husband's funeral,

abandoning his one living relative,

not allowing his mother to know her own grandchild

when that is all she has left in this world,

that is not a mistake.

That is an abomination.

Allowing you to know her?

You know where we live. You could've just...

Hey, Carey. Free sample?

Um...

no, I'm... I'm sorry... no thanks.

Cyrus, this is my, uh...

my...

Oh, no.

I'm not gonna do this.

You... you knew where to find us.

- Why didn't you just... - Don't you dare...

put this on me.

I'm sorry, I...

I... I... I was in shock, Bev, I...

My son made a decision.

I respected it.

I understand that.

Now that I'm a mother I understand a lot of things...

He was wrong.

We were wrong.

I wracked my brain trying to figure this out.

I guess he was thinking that...

well, he didn't wanna ruin everything.

He wanted...

life with you to stay the same.

We...

What you had was rare and miraculous.

Maybe he was afraid to tarnish it.

Here's your coffee.

What I did to you was unforgiveable.

I think I just...

I...

I needed someone to...

To blame.

Yeah. Yeah.

So did I.

I would like to meet my granddaughter.

You will. You can. She knows all about you.

Oh, dear.

She knows that you're Daddy's mom

and that you make a world-famous pecan pie.

Uh, nah, I buy those.

Bu... but I can always heat it up.

You look well.

Thank you.

Is that your boyfriend?

No, he's... he's not my... he's not my boyfriend.

I... I don't think I can go to this.

Okay.

I have, um, tennis.

I'm taking lessons.

At... at night?

All the time.

Uh... he's very persistent.

Um...

Oh, well, just... one second.

Be right back.

Hey, uh, can I call you back in a... in a...

...a second?

She... so she's doing well?

Oh, that... okay.

Tha... thanks so much, Bill. Yeah.

Alright I... I'll come by and I'll pick her up tomorrow.

Okay. Alright, bye.

- She's good. - Yeah?

- All good? - Yeah.

- Good. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi.

Whoa. Hey. Uh, um...

I'll show you upstairs.

Yeah.

So, this is Peanut's room.

It's, uh...

it used to be a makeshift office

and I would... Yeah, um, but then-

and then I turned it into the baby room.

The... the room... Room for the baby.

This is the bathroom, obviously.

Uh, so there's a... A shower in there and, um...

a sink and a... a toilet.

This is the bedroom.

Um... it's been a while.

We 100 percent don't have to do this.

But I want to.

- I want to. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Yes. I want to.

I have an idea.

- Whoa! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

That was a terrible idea.

- I just-I thought... - We should, uh,

we should think less.

Fancy.

Pink heart?

And what else did you draw?

- Who's that there? - It's Dad.

Oh, yeah? Is that Dad?

That's Daddy. Who's that?

- That's you. - That's me.

Where are you?

Honey, I just got an idea.

I'm gonna go get... Get a glue gun

and we're gonna put sparkles on the letters.

Does that sound good?

Yeah? Okay.

Simon and I once agreed that his 30th birthday

was the worst day of our entire relationship.

Um...

I forgot that it was his birthday,

and in an unforgiveable reversal of roles,

he brought me breakfast in bed.

Huevos Rancheros, muy caliente,

just the way I like it.

Um... which I proceeded to spill

onto our white, designer duvet.

I... I yelled at him...

for handing me my plate before I was ready.

And he locked himself in the study

and wrote a short story about a Mexican witch.

Um...

when I realized that I had forgotten

my husband's 30th birthday,

I decided to whip up a surprise chocolate cake.

Unfortunately, I somehow mixed my earring into the batter,

so Simon spent the remainder of his birthday

having emergency dental surgery.

Oh, yeah?

- I'm so sorry. - What do you mean?

- I can't. - Okay.

I can't.

Simon brought this up many times over many years.

But for some reason I never actually apologized.

Oh, no, I can't. I can't.

Um...

I was never very good at apologies.

I swore off men after the cancer.

Oh, my God.

- I didn't know you... - Oh, no, not the disease.

That's what I call my ex-husband.

So, you see, I am hardly the person

to ask for romantic advice.

Oh, I'm not... I'm not looking for...

it's casual with me and Owen.

Uh-huh.

Give me that. It's mine.

Hey, honey. Gentle.

The boy started it.

You know, I...

I have to wonder.

What do you think would've happened

if you had died and Simon had lived?

He would've been a great parent,

for starters.

Better than I am.

She's a wonderful girl.

Simon would've moved on,

that's for sure.

But everything would've been different.

I would've told him about the aneurysm.

We would've got through it together.

We would've had a plan, you know?

All Simon ever thought about,

all he cared about, was you.

So, just...

go after what you want.

Thanks for doing this.

- I know it's a bit weird. - It's not weird.

- It's not weird? - Nah.

- Is it weird? - Nah.

It's totally normal.

The guy I'm sleeping with

playing guitar at my husband's wake?

Guy you're sleeping with, huh?

Ouch.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

W... we should move these off the stage.

- Owen. - I want you to hear

what it sounds like up here with the monitors on, okay?

Stop. No, no. You know what I mean.

Come here.

I'm an A-hole.

Maybe a tiny one.

A tiny A-hole? Is that worse or better?

I mean, it's... it's like this.

It's not good.

Can we please not think about it.

I don't wanna think about.

I'm sorry.

What are you humming?

- Hm? - What are you humming?

What is that?

It's stuck in my head. I, uh...

I have been playing around with some lyrics

and I thought that we could,

uh, maybe... maybe sing it last.

So, you've been playing around with lyrics to my song?

Huh? Hm?

- Isn't that a collaboration? - Shh. Shh.

I think, technically, that would be called...

God, I love you.

Um...

um...

if, uh, if you wanna back out, I understand.

I can accompany myself.

No, you can't.

Owen, it is too soon to be telling each other that we...

You introduced me to your daughter.

You showed up to my house.

Don't do that.

So, what... what?

Is this not going anywhere, or are we just screwing?

Screwing?

What?

Y... you make it sound like we're...

Having an affair?

That's what it feels like.

We are having an affair.

Don't you understand that? I am cheating on him.

He's dead, Carey. He's gone.

Don't say stuff like that.

It's true, it's been three years,

- and pain for you... - If you say move on,

I will punch you in the crotch.

I was gonna say be happy.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

But you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I regret it.

Okay?

I regret giving you my card and I regret sleeping with you.

- That's nice. Thanks. - No, you're amazing.

You... you...

do things... That's not the point.

I'm so...

Everything was going so well.

My job was fine.

I'm a reasonably good mother.

I don't cry every day.

It took me so long to find my way,

and when I'm with you I just-

I feel like I'm... I'm lost.

What's wrong with being lost?

As many of you know,

today would've been Simon's 40th birthday.

I would probably have teased him for being old.

But he was also, undeniably, much too young.

Um, before we finish off

I would like to thank this amazing man, Owen.

For playing and singing so beautifully.

I couldn't have done this without him.

Any of it.

Uh, it's been three years since Simon and I started this.

I'm half proud and half horrified to say that,

even after throwing this party,

it still contains 2700 dollars.

The remainder of which will go towards a vacation

for myself and my daughter, Gretchen.

- Aw. - Gretchen, it...

How old are you? How old are you, Peanut?

Close enough. Yeah.

Um...

last but not least, uh...

I would like to thank Simon...

for bringing joy into my life for 12 years.

And the lives of everyone he met for 37 years.

Happy birthday, my love.

[Simon exhales sharply

Hey.

Hi.

When did you get home?

Since when did you take afternoon naps, old timer?

Hm.

I had a wicked headache.

Wicked.

Are you okay now?

Yeah.

Are yous okay?

Did, uh, today's headache damage

the grammatical part of your brain?

Oh, yes.

We's is fine.

Me and Rachel.

- Gretchen. - Rachel.

Too tired to fight.

Score!

Well, if anything ever happens to me...

I'm not having this conversation.

I want you to take a vow of celibacy.

You are the love of my life, you asshole.

That's five dollars, please.

It's in the kitchen, and it's already full, so...

I wouldn't want you to be alone,

you know that, right?

I swear I will never, ever love anyone else.

Hm...

Lost.