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1 This programme contains very strong language, offensive sexual references

and scenes some viewers may find distressing.

♪ So very much in love ♪

♪ I'm living in an ecstasy ♪

♪ Now at last... ♪

Come on, we can't talk about it if you don't read it.

I don't want to.

Why not? Don't you like it?

I love it.

It's just a bit boring.

What do you want to do?

Tell me again about the monsters.

All right.

They used to hide,

pretend they were just like you and me.

Why did they hide?

Because...

there was still enough good

in the world, I think...

to make them ashamed.

There was so much good.

Like what?

Your mum.

She were good.

So, what happened?

They took that away.

Even that.

And then they stopped being scared,

the monsters.

Stopped hiding,

everything, all of it.

The whole world...

smashed.

COMPUTER KEYS CLICK

And how did you feel when your dad wasn't there?

Scared.

And when he was there?

Happy.

How much of the time?

All the time.

What were you scared of?

The monsters.

What are you writing?

Did you ever see any?

No.

Then how did you know they were there?

Because they took my mum.

SLAPPING SKIN, WOMAN MOANING

ON PHONE: Oh, it feels so good.

I've never felt this good.

Oh, it's good.

What are they doing?

What do you think?

I don't know.

They're just fucking.

What?

You know what fucking is, don't you?

HE LAUGHS For fuck's sake.

Is this really what people do?

Yeah.

Do you do it?

Yeah.

- Like that? - Yeah.

Do girls like it?

Yeah.

So what do you wank to, then?

You do wank, don't ya?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Well, what do you think about, then?

I think about Edna Purviance, mostly.

- Who? - Edna Purviance.

In Charlie Chaplin.

In A Woman Of Paris.

- What you doing? - Looking her up.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

State of you.

- It's a cardboard box. - It's not a cardboard box.

- Well, what is it, then? - It's a premium...

Right? ... cardboard coffin.

Jesus Christ.

Tell you what, fuck the coffin.

Let's see if we can fold him up and squeeze him into...

I'm just thinking...

- I don't know, a food bin or something. - That's not what I'm saying.

I just want everything to be

as proper and normal as possible.

Yeah, yeah. So don't you think we ought to tell him

that his mum was not gobbled up by goblins?

- It's monsters. - Yeah, monsters.

I know. They said that we need to take it slowly in case...

- What? - His bloody brain melts

and dribbles out his nose, I don't know.

What you talking about?

Hiya, Danny, love. Erm... Nothing.

Why don't you go sit down and...

and I can make you some... some toast or...

VICAR: So, family will sit near the front.

You can obviously sit together.

And then other friends,

other people will sit further back on the other side.

Have you ever attended a funeral before, Danny?

No. No, he hasn't, no.

I've seen some in films.

Oh, well, that'll do.

And what were they like, these funerals?

Very sad?

Lots of people in black?

Rain pouring down?

Well, I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you

to be sad, now, would he?

No.

So what say we have a celebration?

Of your dad,

with songs and stories...

and no rain.

Can't promise that last bit,

but I'll have a word.

OK, then.

Now, why don't you tell me more about him?

HE TAPS ON PHONE

MOANING RESUMES

DANNY: He told stories

and we watched films all the time.

And we played golf sometimes.

- Where did you play? - Downstairs.

He... he knew everything. About books and music.

And he taught me how to fix things

and how to shoot.

Ah! OK, a marksman.

What did he like to shoot?

- Monsters. - OK, right.

I think that's probably enough now.

- Innit? Shall we...? - What?

Shall we just get you back to the car, love?

No, it's all right. Erm, I'll just be...

I'll just be a couple of seconds.

- What, you're...? - You just go on.

OK.

Er...

Yeah, there's probably some things I should tell you

about my brother.

ON RADIO: ♪ A lot of nine-fingered boys ♪

♪ In the village ♪

♪ They haven't got much choice. ♪

Will you ring your dad, ask if he's coming to the funeral?

Aaron?

I'll ask him when he calls me.

He won't call you, though, will he?

You know what he's like.

I won't get a chance to ask him, then, will I?

Why won't he call you?

Cos he hates Paul.

He don't.

- Don't he want to speak to you? - Danny.

But he's your dad.

RADIO VOLUME BLASTS

♪ Take flight, take flight! ♪

Pow.

You look like a gangster.

Oh, well, yeah.

- Pow. - SHE LAUGHS

It's a bit big, though, isn't it?

- Huh? - The suit.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I were just thinking that.

That's just what I were thinking.

It's fucking shit.

No, it's just big.

Yeah, no, that's just what I were thinking.

Come on, let's have a look at some other sizes.

Danny, come on, let's see you.

I don't like it.

It's too tight.

- It's stupid. - What?

You look like a film star.

No, I don't.

It's not right.

You don't want it too small.

Look.

Perfect.

See?

Now, shall we try the trousers?

Yeah, course.

I just work here, I'm not trying to fuck you.

Oh...

No. God, no. I didn't...

All right, Mr Lover-Lover?

Christ, Aaron, what do you look like?

An absolute cunt, obviously.

Those trousers were massive,

that's why you looked so ridiculous.

You said I were a medium. I told you I'm not.

Look, do you know what? I'll ask Paul, right?

I know you're smaller than him, but I'll just, like,

- roll the trousers up... - What about that one?

Er... Danny, love, it's lovely, but it's a bit old-fashioned.

People might think you're a bit odd.

It's perfect.

♪ I'll get by ♪

♪ As long as I have you... ♪

MUSIC FADES, SOUND DISTORTS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

MUFFLED SCREECHES, SCREAMS

BED CREAKS GENTLY

SUE MOANS SOFTLY

- I can't sleep. - Oh, fuck!

Jesus, Danny, love.

Ey up, Danny. Are you all right, mate?

Oh, God. Come on, Danny, let's go downstairs.

Come on, love. Go on.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

SPOON CLICKS AGAINST MUG

It was just a dream, love.

Here.

I, erm...

I dug this out after...

It's... it's his wedding day.

It just helped me to see him as he were.

LAUGHING, WHOOPING

Who are all those people?

They're your dad's friends.

Is that...?

Yeah.

How did she die?

Love...

I...

I do want to talk to you about it all.

OK.

It were an accident.

A car accident.

But that doesn't make any sense.

Danny,

I know how much you love your dad...

I just...

I think you need to understand, he...

he didn't always do what was right for you.

Yes, he did.

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

She'll be here. You know what she's like.

- She's always late. - God's sake.

- I'm not late, am I? - No, no.

- No, it's fine. - Fucking boiler packed up.

- Right. OK. - Ta.

Er, Danny? This is Angie. She knew your dad way back.

Hello, sweetheart. You all right?

All right, you go in there, love.

Danny, come on.

Will more people come?

Er...

No, love, this is... This is probably it.

Sit down.

ORGAN MUSIC STOPS

Welcome.

We are gathered to celebrate the life of Steve.

A loving father.

A devoted brother.

A keen golfer and an avid movie watcher.

Some years ago, Steve suffered the terrible loss

of his beloved wife, Sarah.

That he struggled in the wake of such tragedy is no surprise.

And though we don't excuse his subsequent actions,

I hope that we can find it in our heart to forgive him,

as the Lord will forgive him.

And now a song that Danny's chosen,

one that meant a lot to him and his dad.

MUSIC STARTS

♪ Out in the West Texas town of El Paso ♪

♪ I fell in love with a Mexican girl ♪

♪ Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina ♪

♪ Music would play and Feleena would whirl ♪

♪ Blacker than night were the eyes of Feleena ♪

♪ Wicked and evil while casting a spell ♪

♪ My love was deep for this Mexican maiden ♪

♪ I was in love, but in vain I could tell... ♪

MUSIC FADES TO BIRDSONG

Good service, that, I thought.

- Mm. - Nice, that vicar, wasn't he?

Hey, Ange, how's your Tony getting on?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's good.

Is he still driving that old Citroen?

Oh, it's the bane of my fucking life, that Citroen.

Yeah.

You all right, Danny, love?

Why didn't anyone come?

Well, it's a tricky one.

He'd been gone away a long time.

I thought we were supposed to talk about him.

I thought someone would tell a nice story or...

Yeah, no, do you know what? You're right.

Paul, love, should we...

should we talk about Steve for a bit?

Yeah, course.

Great.

Ange?

What?

You must have a few stories about him.

You knew him very well back then.

What, were you two going out?

No.

He took you out, though, once, didn't he?

Yeah.

Actually, yeah.

He did, actually. He took me out for dinner.

It was lovely.

Where'd he take ya?

Erm, you know that Hungry Horse place

- up by the motorway? - Right, yeah.

Er, it's nice.

Mm!

What did you have?

Well, I wasn't hungry, but they were doing

this two meals for a fiver thing,

only one meal wasn't 2.50, it was like, erm...

ah, four quid,

so Steve ended up getting the two meals!

Just for him.

Erm, fish and chips and, erm...

Oh, a curry.

It was smart, really, if you think about it.

He was a smart, smart bloke.

Is that it?

It was a fucking shame what happened.

He should've got longer,

- that fucking bloke. - Ange.

A year for a hit-and-run?

- You get more than that for a fucking... - Ange!

He was never the same after that, your dad.

What's she talking about?

- We'll talk about it later, love. - Who?

Erm... about... about the man who was, er...

who was driving the car that...

killed your mum.

You told me it were an accident.

It were an accident, but...

I do want to talk to you about it all.

I want to do it properly,

you know. I just...

I don't think this is...

well, the right place, so...

Nice one.

He had to know.

Not like that.

Don't worry about Angie.

She's a fucking bitch.

What's a hit-and-run?

Erm...

It's that...

It means that, erm...

When he, er, when he hit her...

he didn't... he didn't stay.

Like, to help.

He ran.

Drove off.

So there is one monster.

Corrections by bird for MY-SUBS.com ~