Original subtitles

PAIN IS YOUR FRIEND

-Yes? -Solitaire is too easy now.

I'll admit that I've spent a fair amount of time

training to get to that level, but now it has gotten too easy.

The prize with the animated cascades of cards falling down depreciates.

I'm not a child, you know.

I could see it as an invitation

to show my face more around the hospital. Including the basement.

I could start taking an interest in any illegal IT-work going on.

Got it.

Why hasn't she been admitted yet?

That's because we usually don't admit anyone on a paper copy.

But if her admission papers are in the portal, we'll look at it.

It says here, "Diagnosis: somnambulism."

Admitting doctor... "Santa Claus"?

What? We don't have any Santa Claus here. I wish we had.

-Can I see that? -Santa Claus...

Somnambulism, interesting. Never been treated surgically.

Yes. Admit the patient. Probably just a trim of the frontal lobe.

Let me. Did you get anything against the sleepwalking?

-I have this. -Idiot. I mean medication?

-No. -And no memories the next morning?

Well, I remember spirits.

Either I'll be so totally infuriated

that I'll cut your brain up during surgery.

Or I will go down to the store, buy all their chocolate crackers

and feed them to you on a daily basis.

Karen probably chooses the first one.

-No, you mean the second. -Yes, exactly.

Hey!

Danish scum kids!

My name is Well. I'm your helper. All lines are busy.

Press pound key 9 for more options.

Thank you for your interest in Well Parking. Goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Welcome to all of you to the pain congress at The Kingdom.

Thank you.

I'm the one to complain to if something is wrong.

And something is often wrong.

I'm the chairman of the committee and arranged this under the motto:

"Pain is your friend."

As per usual I must warn you, free shit.

Do not accept as much as a ball point pen from the sponsors.

Yes. I can see that most of you have been here before.

So I'll ask in Danish.

-Which team are you on? -The alco-team!

That's right!

Refreshments in the lobby.

During your admission you are our responsibility.

We'll have to make sure you don't go astray in your sleep.

I understand that. I don't mind it.

Restraint belts are so exotic.

They're a bit tight, but they have to be.

You're Camilla, right?

I don't have time to stand here and chat.

It's because I just saw The Kingdom on a DVD.

I don't know what to tell you.

Personally, that series didn't do me any good.

Some patients are afraid to come here because of it.

But you were present that last night, right?

I would just really like to hear your story.

Not today.

To be honest, I think it was a shitty series.

The director forced us to say all his stupid lines.

Could you imagine me saying "Grand Duc"?

LARS VON TRIER PRESENTS

The Kingdom Hospital rests on ancient marshland

where the bleaching ponds once lay.

Here the bleachers moistened their great spans of cloth

in the shallow water preparing for bleaching.

The steam from the wet cloth shrouded the place in permanent fog.

Later the hospital was built here.

The bleachers gave way to doctors and researchers,

the nation's brightest and the most perfect technology.

To crown their work they called the hospital The Kingdom.

Now life was to be charted,

and ignorance and superstition should never again shake science.

Perhaps their arrogance became too pronounced,

as well as their persistent denial of the spiritual.

For it is as if the cold and damp have returned.

Tiny signs of fatigue are appearing in the solid, modern buildings.

No living person knows it yet,

but the gateway to The Kingdom is opening once again.

THE KINGDOM

PART 10 THE CONGRESS DANCES

Are you following me? Stop it!

I'm the one to complain to...

Hi-ya!

-Is something wrong? -No, I was just thinking.

Have I ever told you about the pear tree on my street?

Yes, abundantly.

You see, that is a story one can learn from.

It bore so much fruit. And next year, it didn't bear any.

And the year after that, it bore a lot of fruit again.

-I'm afraid I get off here. -But the interesting part was...

In cross word puzzles "grand duc" is always an owl.

Or king of the flies.

-It says so in the encyclopedia. -That's very exciting.

I put the alarm here. Just move your shoulder a bit,

-then we'll come running. -Thank you.

-Completely crazy. -That's pretty clear.

-Or what did you mean? -That it's completely crazy.

Again this year someone is trying to sabotage the Christmas decoration.

The small tree in the living room is gone.

What?

Well well, the old belts.

Don't make a big deal out of those.

I've had some of my best sleep in belts. Firmness. Courage.

That cannot be completely true?

What? No, but it can become true.

Would you please procure another belt

and a bag of my medium-sized peas from the freezer?

I have an hour off from the congress and I could use a nap.

-There you go. -Could you pass me the peas?

And they are medium-sized?

-Are you sure about this? -Yes, I'm very comfortable.

And you don't want an alarm?

No, don't worry. I've never suffered from panic.

As doctors we have to experience the same treatments

we subject our patients to. Wake me up in half an hour.

Beware of Satan's anger.

A rat has left the sinking ship.

Are there many rats?

Yes, but they don't necessary look like rats.

And what about the great owl? What does he want?

He's here to stop Karen. Only the owl understands what Karen knows.

Wasn't she opening the gateway to the Kingdom?

Look at this.

We had an old key to the belts down in the basement.

No belts. That's a method from last century.

No, Bulder. Leave me here.

Always follow the doctor's instructions.

I don't agree with that.

You'll have a scan later. Naver is concerned about the sleepwalking.

Everything is just so exciting.

QUIET WHEN SA

-Sausage with mash. -Sausage with mash.

-Yes, sausage with mash. -Sausage with mash.

Nonsense.

-Thank you. -First time?

-Yes, and last I hope. -They all say that, but they return.

Welcome to Swedish Anonymous.

-I think we're all here. -Wonderful.

Hi.

Are you Swedish? My God.

Volvo, Volvo, Volvo.

-My name is Bosse. I'm Swedish. -Hi, Bosse.

I had five years and seven months in Sweden,

and then Denmark called.

Now I work in the kitchen here at the Kingdom.

Every day I try to leave this demonic work place.

With the help of this group I will succeed one day.

My hope and my plan is

that I'll have moved to Malmö before our next meeting.

-Are you all Swedish? -Yes.

Fantastic!

My name is Stig Jr., and I am Swedish.

Hi, Stig.

Denmark doesn't appeal to me at all.

Except for the fact that I came here to...

experience for myself the country and the nation

that drove my father insane.

I had no idea that the Danes had managed

to build a bridgehead to Sweden.

That they had that technology...

and that arrogance...

that surprised me a lot.

Sweden, give me peace of mind

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change those I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Mrs Svendsen! Mrs Svendsen!

Help! Get me out of this shit!

You'll be alright.

I can't open it. Just breathe, nice and easy.

No, easy now.

Well, good morning, Halmer.

You'll be alright.

My God!

Luckily it's rare to see one of these antiquities.

He threatened us.

Apparently he knows that we're down here.

I've increased the difficulty. A tiny bit.

Secret Santa?

Kalle? That solitaire game is way to difficult now.

And I'm not touching that ridiculous jigsaw puzzle.

There's no picture on the top. I'm completely lost.

We don't know anything about a jigsaw puzzle.

Please sit down.

I'm bilingual. I have lived in Denmark, but now in Sweden.

I take the bridge to work every day.

The bridge is Swedish. It's the tunnel that is Danish.

It was so nice to see you in the group.

I hope you felt the kindness from the other participants.

It's good that you are here. We need a strong man now.

I need a strong man.

CONSENT

"I, Anna Gram,

hereby give my consent to Helmer Jr. performing

a slap directed at my behind."

Was it the left or the right buttock

that the professor was planning to attack?

Well...

Both, if possible?

I mean only with a, may I assure you, moderate slap.

-My lawyer will contact you. -Yes, of course.

But the finger on my wrist, wasn't that...

That's the way we recognise each other outside the room.

I thought it would be good for you to know.

My name is Well. I'm your helper. Press a number between 0 and 9.

You pressed 5 for current affiliation

with the option of parking in the garage.

Press a number between 0 and 9 to accept.

Thank you for your interest in Well Parking. Goodbye.

CAN WE MEET?

It's the wrong floor.

-Excuse me, what are you doing? -The plaster is falling off.

You're little Judith.

Judith is my name, yes.

Everybody's on their toes today.

You're a cardiologist now.

I had to get away from neurosurgery.

After everything that happened.

Åge Krüger!

Give me back my child!

I'm sorry if I'm being too direct,

but do you know what happened to your son?

He died. That's all I remember from that night.

It's been 25 years, and I still sense him behind the walls.

He's the one making the plaster fall off, I think.

So you know that he's alive?

My heart tells me that I should never give up.

If I say "water", what does that make you think?

Do you mean the bleaching ponds?

The bleaching ponds! Of course.

Thank you.

No parking here. Idiots.

We help each other in the group. You should know that.

Thank you. It's all good. What did you want?

I have a bit on your dad. I can find out more.

-What do you know about dad? -He died in 1997.

-Of what? -I couldn't find anything.

His address was with a Rigmor Mortensen, anaesthetist.

Where is she now?

-I can check. -Please do.

Can you get me a spot in the garage? I was promised free parking.

I can do a lot, but none of us has ever managed

to get a spot in the half-empty garage.

-Well Parking is an IT fortress. -Danish...

Very Danish.

Go ahead.

So the cyclotron ended up in Skejby?

I only answer questions concerning the pain congress.

Does it pain you that it ended up at Skejby?

There are three words with S I refuse to hear in this hospital.

The first one is "Skejby", the next is cyclotron,

and the third... I forgot the third one.

-"Cyclotron" doesn't start with S. -No. Well, so much the worse.

But...

WE HAVE FORMED A FAST-WORKING COMMITTEE

We just formed a fast-working committee.

-To do what? -To...

find out why the misunderstanding happened.

STILL GOOD FRIENDS

The director at Skejby and I are very good friends.

-We went to school together. -A question over here?

You have a whole army of directors. Is that really the best way?

We formed a fast-working committee

to point out any unnecessary directors.

Maybe you're unnecessary.

That's a good question.

That's actually a really good question, but...

We have, believe it or not, formed a fast-working committee...

that will look into it.

How many committees do you want?

We could also form a slow committee to check up on all the fast-working.

-I'm our visible leadership. -I've never seen you before.

Me neither, and I'm the health reporter.

Thank you all.

There we go.

-Are you ready? -Yes, thank you.

Good. We'll give you 50 volts for one second.

And... shock.

Nothing? 50 for two.

What about 50 for two seconds? Okay, let's go. Shock.

100. One second.

100 for one second, can you handle that?

We'll do it. Shock.

Fuck! Let's get her out.

-Alright. Are you okay? -Yes.

-How does it look? -No match.

Excuse me? I'm lying here, waiting to get in a scanner.

And then I got fascinated by your work.

-We're doing pain research. -Ah yes, the congress on pain.

-Yes. -That's a lot of people.

We're not fancy enough for the official program.

But our results are actually far better than theirs.

Apparently word got out.

So pain is actually your friend?

Friend or enemy doesn't interest us. We work with the cosmic relation.

Old radio wave scientists thought

that white noise is an echo of the Big Bang.

We think they're wrong.

We believe we can prove

that white noise is caused by The Big Scream.

-And what is The Big Scream? -Millions of years of built-up pain.

All life on Earth is defined by some kind of pain.

So The Big Scream is yours and mine,

but mostly the wheezing of dying universes.

White noise is the communication with this wheezing.

-We basically just need a match. -A match?

A convergence of graphic patterns from a scanned, pain-induced subject

and the dance of the white dots. The white noise.

-And the test subjects... -All volunteers.

This one actually enjoys the higher doses.

She says she transcends and has visions.

-Visions? -Yeah.

Well, if you can use someone like me, I'm ready.

-You mean that? -Yes.

We would very much like that.

"Pain is your friend."

They mock. They talk about a pain, that they never felt themselves.

-Yes. -They do?

The pain that sticks to every stone in these buildings.

-But is pain really my friend? -It brings you to the doctors.

SWEDISH LAWYER

Hello?

Welcome.

Please sit down.

My father had a meeting with your father

in a similar case many years ago.

My father was a giant, right?

A giant in what way, you mean?

Both professionally and humanly.

Charismatic.

Let's skip the childishness and get to work.

Yes...

Her lawyer wants to settle.

They're asking for a ridiculous amount of money.

Jesus Christ...

Tell me your version of what happened.

She acted very friendly to me.

I would even say... in love.

We were alone in my office.

The situation seems quite clear.

She begged you to touch her, Right?

Yeah.

That's why I wrote the e-mail.

To avoid misunderstandings around her motive.

You acted with honour, and you should be praised for that.

She invited me in...

by leaning forward

and then opening her lab coat.

-She basically exposed herself. -Yeah.

At least partially.

And at the same time she asks me, what my...

intentions are with the aforementioned body part.

Well, that is interesting.

But I want to emphasise

that I never touched her with a finger.

-I want to point that out. -Of course.

You are a gentleman.

Yes, and a feminist! Don't forget that.

We both are. Proud feminists!

I wrote the e-mail to avoid any misunderstandings.

And now she's using that e-mail as evidence

that I offended her. I don't get it.

You acted like a man. And more importantly,

-like a Swedish man. -Yes!

-With honour. -A Swedish man!

But you could have acted like another man.

Someone who grabbed the girl and took advantage of her.

Sexual intercourse.

Not to mention word-against-word rape.

That's a crime of a whole other calibre

and would entail a much worse punishment.

Which could be preferable in this situation.

I don't understand. What do you mean?

As I always say in this infected country,

a crime is nothing in itself, but evidence,

which you sent to your her phone, is completely different.

By doing that, you reveal what some people would call

your bestial desire, which is very likely to reach the internet.

-What's your final advice? -Pay.

-Have you seen the amount? -It doesn't matter.

If we appeal,

they will appeal back, knowing the case is in their favor.

That last thing I'm sure about, since I'm also her lawyer.

What did you say?

Swedish lawyers don't grow on trees here.

No, my advice as compatriot and man is and will always be...

pay. Thank you.

OCCUPIED

-Are you ready? -I'm ready.

Shock.

What the fuck? Are you insane?

Are you trying to kill her? Stop it.

Get out of here. Let's go.

Someone touched the potentiometer.

Jesus Christ. That's what I call unethical research.

Either I report everything to the authorities,

or I buy quilts and pillows of the best quality and softness

that I put all the medical students on and hum them to sleep.

-We got our first match. -What?

-We got our first match. -And what does that prove?

That cosmos is full of pain that it tries to communicate.

That's the worst bullshit I've ever heard.

At least make sure

that Karen Svensson from now on is scanned according to regime.

Yes.

Primum non nocere . Ugh!

"First, do no harm."

-The doctor said that? -Yes, it's the Hippocratic Oath.

But it's a lie.

You cannot make omelette without breaking eggs.

You're number 436 in line. Thank you for calling Well.

You should be ashamed.

There is no shame in touching yourself

while feeling a genuine, true pride for your country.

What are you doing? That is Swedish folklore.

It's sounds more like something from The Third Reich.

What did you want?

This is the third reminder from IKEA. Please pay it.

Yes, I'll take care of it.

Good. There are some news about your dad.

Dad? Dad!

Kalle sends her regards.

One of your father's old colleagues is hospitalised here right now.

-Is it Naver? -No, this is Professor Helmer Jr.

Maybe Naver changed his voice.

Spare me your idiosyncrasies.

Will the chief surgeon please open the door

so we can have a conversation?

Hang on.

Sometimes Naver changes his voice when he's on the warpath.

Or he does that thing with his eye. I hate that.

What happened to the open door policy?

That must be a misunderstanding between nationalities.

The door is fully passable from the inside. POV, Halmer.

My name is not Halmer.

I have come to ask you

about a former employee in neurosurgery.

Someone who is hospitalised now. Here.

The elevator elf. Rigmor Mortensen. She worked with your father.

Don't look for her in her bed. She haunts the elevators.

Her greeting is always a bad sign.

Thank you.

The Christmas speech.

Hi-ya?

Hi-ya?

Excuse me. Please be quiet.

Hi-ya!

Excuse me.

Your father moved to my place after the big failure.

The power failure.

He moved in, lay down on my couch

and stared into the wall for three days. Then he died.

As a viking.

As an old viking who knew what he had accomplished.

Who knew what he was marked out to be. Dad had a...

strong will. He was determined.

You can say that again. He wanted to be buried in his Volvo.

Exactly.

Dad had a mind for beauty. Where is he lying?

In Greve. In Greve!

-A small town outside Copenhagen. -And the Volvo?

Well... I had him cremated and put in the ground...

-Without Volvo? -I couldn't afford it.

And I was furious with him, that bigamist.

It would have been a blow to all those

who talked badly about him and his genius.

And then it just ended so...

-miserably. -I wouldn't say that.

I tried to make the funeral service as Swedish as possible.

Can I ask you, did he leave anything?

Yes, you're in luck. I happen to be pretty lazy.

For the past 20 years, I haven't cleaned his locker here.

So if you want to take a look, go ahead.

Excuse me, I have to go.

Ugh! Where were you? I have two surgeries soon.

A Norwegian, Keld Svensson, and later a Karen Svensson.

The Norwegian needs a deep brain stimulation against epilepsy.

I need your assistance.

After that Karen Svensson needs a frontal resection for somnambulism.

Somnambulism? Do you normally do that here?

Who else should do it? Come, the Norwegian first.

I say this in complete confidence...

What Naver is doing is nothing but... a trophy surgery.

Hello.

He lives and breathes for visionary, but risky procedures.

I cannot recommend any of those operation. Not at all.

Don't tell him I said that. Hi!

They would like the first patient now.

You're not bringing the chart?

Pontopidan advised against the surgery.

He does seem like a coward.

I'm lying in a river called The Kingdom.

I'm letting myself float with the current.

Hi, my name is Anna. I'm a neuropsychologist.

-How exciting. -That's a thing we offer here.

I will talk to you during the operation.

I will ask if you can feel things and say certain words.

Can I rest a bit now? I'm going on a very long journey.

Of course. I'll put my phone number here under the blanket.

If you have any questions afterwards.

His epilepsy is very bad.

They! If you would please be so kind.

It could actually be

that Sweden in just this regard were smarter than Denmark.

Alright.

And you know we will operate under only local anaesthesia?

Hello? K. Svensson? Are you there?

And Satan is present.

Go easy on the propofol. K. Svensson's had plenty.

Why do you say that, K. Svensson?

The green light is on.

-What green light? -The green light in the ceiling.

Stop that nonsense. Too much Danish nonsense. Thank you.

Scalpel.

Clamp.

Bipolar.

-Can I turn up the bipolar? -To 20, please.

-They're asleep. -Do we wake them up?

No, Jesus. Only if we need response.

I don't understand the surgical procedure.

You again?

I told you I didn't want to operate with her. With them.

Are you sure it's not the wrong surgery?

There are no wrong surgeries, only wrong neuropsychologists.

So shut up and do your job. Let us take care of the surgery.

Magneficate Satanan.

The patient has bradycardia. You have to stop.

We need to give atropine. Give 0.5 mg.

-Hang on. -0.5 mg atropine injected.

Cardiac arrest. We need to remove the frame.

Karina, you'll start heart compression.

Sound the alarm. We need the defibrillator.

We need to start the ventilator.

...six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

Charging. Everybody clear. Shock.

One more time. Shock.

Good. We'll check the rhythm again.

Somebody feel the pulse.

I have something like a sinus rhythm.

-We have a pulse. -Okay, patient is back.

They are breathing.

Alright.

I would like to communicate with the patient.

We're inside the motor cortex. Good morning, K. Svensson.

We almost lost you.

Squeeze my hand if you can feel and move your toes.

They're nodding. They're squeezing my hand.

Pass me electrode B.

Squeeze my hand even harder and say: Tata, kaka, papa.

-Tata, kaka, papa! -And again.

Tata, kaka, papa!

-And again. -Tata, kaka, papa!

This pisses me off!

Is that a Danish custom? "Tata, kaka, papa!"

We don't do that at Karolinska! And I'm proud of that.

We're done. Please close them up. Halmer?

This is the remote, that they, K. Svensson,

under capable supervision, can use to control the electrodes.

I looks weird, but it's the newest technique.

Please lock it in the medicine cabinet.

It can only be used with great caution.

Ugh.

Take her to a room.

Are you okay?

-I was right. -You were?

Take me to the recovery room so I can fall asleep.

Then I'll find paternoster.

-They closed it down. -Closed it?

Nothing closed cannot be opened.

Dance the pain away!

Karen? Karen?

-We need to get her up. -Yes.

And on to your side.

Alright.

Alright...

Hello, my name is Keld.

You're not Karen Svensson. Who did we just operate?

That was also K. Svensson, but a woman.

I talked to her before the surgery.

But it was the wrong surgery.

Yes, that's what I thought, but...

Either I'll invite you all to this city's most expensive restaurant

and treat you to their most expensive menu and wine,

or I will fucking split Halmer's head open with a fucking axe!

Halmer!

Have you seen Halmer?

Halmer!

Dad.

GREVE CEMETERY

Well, how nice.

Halmer!

Halmer!

Halmer!

Halmer! It was the wrong surgery! K. Svensson!

What do you want me to see?

As usual what's right in front of you.

A paternoster. It's an elevator.

It will go around the whole system and come back here.

Alright.

We grownups can also be scared And sing long scared songs

You're afraid.

I'm just excited.

You're afraid.

CEMETERY

DON'T TOUCH

GRAVE OF THE UNKNOWN

When it rains on the priest, it drips on the clerk.

-The plates are piling up. -Don't worry.

You and I will not get old. Not old enough for all these dishes.

-Should we just leave them? -It doesn't matter.

When the big cleanup of The Kingdom comes, there's nothing we can do.

I tried to make the funeral service as Swedish as possible.

What the fuck did the bitch mean by that?

Tetra Pak!

Dad!

Dad.

My dear birch. With you I'm home.

And now the biggest is present in the most fragile.

Dad's final gestalt.

You... embrace everything.

Little Helmer's milk at school.

Ideally served in a cup...

by Dad.

Thank you, Tetra Pak.

Thank you, birch.

Thank you, Sweden.

Danish scum!

Why can't we see it on the radar?

That's weird.

We look like fools when they violate our airspace.

Call them they and they will come,

but they have no boyfriend or girlfriend, only them.

The puritan beast is waiting around the corner, we could say.

Please call us to order, great brother-land, for our banter.

But doesn't exactly that have a place between granite and limestone,

between big and small, mountain and valley, clever and vulgar.

Between big and little brother. Banter is like mosquitoes.

But listen, it's still buzzing in the dark. Maybe more than before.

Because much of the banter can never be completely eliminated.

Between friends we must tolerate a bite or two,

and the itching is uncomfortable, but not dangerous.

So once again, to nations who feel targeted

on either side of the strait, I will say,

my only excuse being that I'm Lars von Trier,

you should continue to be prepared to take the good with the evil.

Subtitles: Lisa Kristensen Villeneuve plint.com