Original subtitles

[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[DOGS HOWLING]

This means war.

[SPITS]

[UPBEAT ITALIAN SONG PLAYING]

[LINE RINGING]

- [MOBILE PHONE RINGING] - [WOMAN CRYING]

[BEEPS]

[WOMAN SNIFFLING]

[BLOWS NOSE]

[CONTINUES CRYING]

Oh, my baby.

Fucking college.

- [VAN HORN BEEPS] - WOMAN: Okay, so, I checked

the weather in Portland and it's 85 degrees,

so you will need your sunscreen.

Yeah, I know, Mom. It's in my backpack.

You got all your other toiletries?

Yes, in my bag that you packed.

- [WOMAN SIGHS] - While I watched, remember?

You were crying the whole time.

Yeah, what a mess.

It's not like he's going off to war. It's just Oregon.

I know, I know,

but it's such an amazing time in your life,

you can literally become anyone you wanna be.

- Mom? - You could change the world.

- Mom? - You could colonize Mars.

- I mean... - Mom,

you're spiraling.

- Sorry, sorry, boys. We'll just be one minute. - BOTH MEN: No problem.

And remember...

- Lakers for life. - Lakers for life, I know.

Come back a Blazers fan, I'm not gonna let you

- back in the house. - Yeah, I know, Dad.

- Stop. - I'm serious.

Stop eating the trail mix.

It's for Nicky. It's a long trip.

Um, I guess this is it.

I'm sorry, I'm a little emotional.

Mom, Dad.

- Okay. - I love you. I love you.

- I love you. I love you. - [DOMENICK CHUCKLES]

- DOMENICK: Okay, see you later. - KRISTIN: Call me when you get there.

DOMENICK: Yo, let's... fuckin' go.

- [CHUCKLES] - FRIEND 1: Freedom!

FRIEND 2: Let's do this.

There goes our baby.

- [HORN TOOTS] - Ah!

I love you!

[VAN DRIVES AWAY]

Every woman dreams of full brows

and long luscious eyelashes.

And thanks to Profizal's hair-generating technology,

I believe we have a real opportunity

to market this to chemo patients.

[MANAGER GROANS]

It's too sad.

I mean, anybody here wanna be sad?

- OFFICE WORKER: No. - MANAGER: Nobody wants to be sad.

Where's the ad that says

Profizal puts hair on men's heads?

That's who we should be marketing to.

Insecure men

with lots of cash.

No, actually, Dad, ICO labs said Profizal

- doesn't work on scalps. - It doesn't?

- No. - MANAGER: Oh, shit.

We gotta get you on another project, dammit.

Oh, what about Restylane?

The anti-ageing filler?

Yes, the new Galderma product

for older women.

Because, you know, you're a...

[HESITANTLY] ...you're... you're an expert, really.

I mean, you're of a certain age bracket.

- I'm 40. - Whoa! I did not ask her age.

Everybody saw that, right?

Would never do that.

Look, I really think

this would be a perfect fit for you.

Okay.

Randy, what do you got?

Erectile dysfunction, Hank,

is a thing of the past

with Thoracinil.

[MEN LAUGHING]

RANDY: Hey. So, Thoracinil is banned in the EU,

so we can't use Mykonos

but he's on a jet-ski. I love those.

- I love jet-skis. - [MOBILE PHONE RINGING]

- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] - [CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hello? - WOMAN: [ON PHONE] Is this Kristin Balbano?

Uh, well, it's Kristin Dorner

Balbano is my maiden name.

You never give up the name Balbano.

Sorry? Who is this?

I am Bianca

and I have terrible news.

Giuseppe Balbano is dead.

- [ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON SPEAKERS] - Oh, my father's father.

God, I didn't even know he was alive.

Can you hold on a sec?

Paul!

My husband's in a band.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Your grandfather is dead.

You need to settle his affairs.

His affairs? But, I mean,

I don't even know him.

You're named specifically in his will.

We'll fly you to Italy.

You'll leave tomorrow night.

Wait. What, did you say Italy?

Like, as in Italy Italy?

Yes, Italy.

Oh, that sounds...

No, I... No, I can't just get on a plane

and head on over to my dream place.

Everything is crazy at work right now

and my husband needs me, you know?

- And I just can't see that I can get away... - [WOMAN MOANING IN PLEASURE]

PAUL: Quiet, listen to my lyric here.

[SINGING] ♪ I'm no longer Ear-ear-earth...♪

I gotta go.

♪ ...Bound

- [BOTH EXCLAIMING IN PLEASURE] - [MUSIC SWITCHES OFF]

- PAUL: What time is it? - [BOTH SIGHING]

Kristin...

- Before you start... - Hey

- Hey. - Listen, I just want you to know I'm a feminist.

Uh...

We met before.

- Really? - WOMAN: Yeah.

At Domenick's school,

I'm the guidance counsellor.

[GASPS]

- Oh, my God. - WOMAN: I... It's just that,

I wouldn't have done this if you had

more faith in your husband.

He's a great songwriter.

I know. [CHUCKLES]

Tracy, it's time for you to go.

What?

[KRISTIN CRYING]

- Listen. - Yes, listening.

- I support your right to be angry. - KRISTIN: Thank you so much.

- That's really kind. - Yeah, maybe call me,

we can talk this through.

- Really? You would do that? - What d'you say?

- TRACY: Yeah. - KRISTIN: Sure, I mean...

- TRACY: Bye. - Bye.

[CRYING]

Kris, I am so sorry.

This is really hard for me to admit but,

I have this illness.

All I wanna do is have sex.

[KRISTIN SIGHS HEAVILY]

I mean, I wanna have sex, too.

We haven't had sex in, like,

- three years. - Yeah, I know,

but I mean, with a new person.

Oh!

Yeah, it's not personal, it's...

- [KNOCKS ON WINDOW] - Hey,

I left my phone.

My phone.

[KRISTIN SIGHS]

- This one? - Yeah, thank you.

It's just hard, you know, with Domenick leaving,

it's just a big adjustment.

Don't defend that douche stain.

He's a grown-ass man working at a Starbucks.

INSTRUCTOR: Stranger grabs your purse.

WOMEN: Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

Stranger grabs your boob.

- [MOBILE PHONE RINGING] - WOMEN: Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

- What? Oh, my God! - Is that him?

- Is that him? Give me the phone. - No, it's Italy calling again.

They want me to fly to Rome

tomorrow night to settle his affairs.

I mean, that's crazy, right? I can't go.

Kristin,

what do you masturbate to?

Italian cooking shows. I mean, more specifically,

Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy.

There was this one episode

where he went to this burrata factory,

and it was all creamy

and he got his hands in all the milky stuff.

- It was so... - Stop. You've masturbated

this fantasy into existence.

You have to go.

Stranger puts a gun in your face.

Jenny, my boss just assigned me a new campaign.

Well, make it a business trip.

ICO has suppliers all over the globe.

How do you think I got to go to Brazil, Iceland and Ireland

- last year, huh? - I don't know.

To settle their lawsuits.

Well, shouldn't I stay here

and work on my marriage?

You should work on getting your pussy pounded.

- [LAUGHS] Oh, my God. - Stranger says you're prettier

when you smile.

WOMEN: Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

Stop thinking about everybody else.

Start thinking about you.

Fine, then think about your grandfather's

last dying wish.

Oh, my God maybe I should go.

- Did you see what I did there? - No.

I just got you to go to Italy by putting

- someone else's feelings ahead of your own. - All right, all right,

I deserve this. I deserve this.

I'm gonna go and I'm gonna have my own

Under the Tuscan Sun. Or Eat, Pray, Love.

Fuck.

What?

Eat, Pray, Fuck.

[LAUGHS]

Say it.

What, Eat, Pray... Fuck?

Eat, Pray, Fuck.

Jesus.

Eat, Pray...

- Fuck. - Say it again.

[EXHALES] Eat, Pray...

- Fuck! - Louder.

- From the vagina! - WOMAN: Eat, Pray, Fuck.

WOMEN: Eat, Pray, Fuck. Eat, Pray, Fuck.

Eat, Pray, Fuck.

[EURO POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN OVER SPEAKER]

Hey, Nicky. It's Mom.

I just wanna let you know

I landed safe, in Italy.

[LAUGHS] I even bought myself a journal at the airport.

I've always wanted a journal.

[EXCLAIMS]

Um, anyway... Shit.

Sorry, not you. I love you. Anyway...

Oh... Whoa!

[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] I said you can stand up,

- if you like. - Oh, my God. Right. Yes, thank you.

Oh, my God, you smell so good.

[LAUGHS] Um, I'm, um...

Oh, my God, what is

my name? [LAUGHS] Sorry. Kristin. Hi.

- Kristin, I'm Lorenzo. - Yes. Hello, Lorenzo.

- Lorenzo! [SPEAKING ITALIAN] - [LORENZO] Scusa!

- [IN ENGLISH] Sorry. Uh... - It's okay.

- This is my Aunt Esmeralda. - Oh.

She just got back from holiday in Greece.

- Oh, nice. - Yeah.

And she wants to get home.

Hi. Ciao. I'm Kristin. I'm just visiting.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. I mean, I was born here,

but I haven't been back

since I was a... a baby.

[ESMERALDA IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] What did she say?

She wants me to ask for your number.

But don't worry, I don't want to assume.

- Well... - LORENZO: So...

Ciao.

Uh, no, no. Wait. I mean, [CHUCKLING]

if Aunt Esmeralda wants my number, who am I to say "no?"

Oh, sorry. I am not usually so veloce

with asking for phone numbers.

- What is veloce? - Oh, yeah. Quick.

If... if you knew that,

it would have been funnier.

No, it's very funny, I get it.

I got it, Veloce. Veloce is good. I...

I like your veloce-ness.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

My God!

- What was that? - LORENZO: I am so sorry.

- KRISTIN: It's okay. - LORENZO: So, are you here on

business or pleasure?

Um, well...

pleasure. You know, grandfather just died and...

Oh, no, I... I didn't know him, that's not...

that part's sad, but, um...

So maybe...

half pleasure.

I have to run.

Yes, sure. Um...

Well, I'll... I'll call you.

What...

just happened?

- Oh, my God. - Kristin Balbano.

Yes.

Bianca sent us to take you to the funeral.

- Oh, hi. I... - I'm Aldo.

Okay. Nice to meet you, Aldo. Yes.

- I'm Dante. - Hello, Dante. Nice to meet you.

- Your driver. - Thank you. Thank you so much.

I... It's very... So kind.

[ITALIAN JAZZ SONG PLAYING]

Hey, you guys. I am gonna change now, okay?

So don't turn around or...

- DANTE: The Colosseum. - Can you at least,

please, just, like, go slow?

- ALDO: The Vatican. - KRISTIN: The Vaticano?

Did I miss it? I missed it, right?

- Oh, shit. Ugh, God. Where is my lipstick? - ALDO: Fontana Acqua Paola.

- KRISTIN: I dropped my lipstick. - ALDO: Il Fontanone.

Oh, what? Where is it?

- Can we go back? - We have to go to the funeral.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

Oh, thank you.

Whew, thank you so much.

Oh, my God.

There he is.

Hi.

We have the same eyes. We have the same eyes.

That's...

- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] - MAN: Buongiorno.

[CHOIR SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Hi. Ciao. Sorry. Um...

Are you Bianca?

Sit.

This is Fabrizio,

your grandfather's great nephew.

Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you.

So, that must make us, like,

second cousins, right?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Is he mad at me?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

ALL: Amen.

[FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING]

Uh...

what did my grandfather do?

He was a winemaker.

He made wine?

I wanna make wine.

Oh, my God, it must be in the genes.

I mean, you can't argue genes, right?

[FUNERAL MARCH CONTINUES]

[ENGINE REVVING]

- [GUNSHOT] - [KRISTIN SCREAMS]

- [GUNSHOTS] - [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[SHOUTS IN ITALIAN]

[GUNFIRE]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN ENGLISH] Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay?

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Veloce means quick.

Quick, quick, quick! He needs help!

[SCREAMING]

- [BELL TOLLS] - [SHOOTER GROANS]

- [GUNFIRE CONTINUES] - [PEOPLE CLAMORING]

[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE ROARS]

[EXCLAIMS, SCREAMS]

- DANTE: Hmm. - [KRISTIN GASPS]

[WHIMPERING LOUDLY]

[SCREAMING].

[ALDO YELLING IN ITALIAN]

[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING]

[EXPLOSION]

[UPBEAT ITALIAN SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

FABRIZIO: [IN ENGLISH] Say hello to my little friend, Nico.

What the fuck is going on?

[UPBEAT ITALIAN SWING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ITALIAN]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[IN ENGLISH] So...

Aldo and Dante are my drivers,

but who are you, really?

- Soldati. - For the Army or...

[IN ITALIAN]

[BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING IN ITALIAN]

KRISTIN: [IN ENGLISH] Scusi. Hi, hi.

Uh, I'm still in the dark here.

No, no, it's a figure of speech.

Can someone please just tell me what's going on?

Your grandfather, Don Giuseppe Balbano,

may he rest in peace,

was murdered

- by the Romanos. - [HACKING UP SPIT]

We invited them for a meeting,

but things went wrong.

Our Don and their Don got killed.

[FABRIZIO IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] They disrespected the funeral!

They shot at the coffin!

[IN ITALIAN]

[METAL CLATTERING]

MAN: Don Carlo.

[IN ITALIAN]

[CARLO SNIFFLES]

[BOTH SPIT]

[KRISTIN HYPERVENTILATING]

[BIANCA SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- [IN ENGLISH] To calm you down. - Okay, thank you, thank you.

Grazie.

The wine's bad. The wine's gone bad. That's...

The wine is bad. It's a front.

Oh, God. Is that why he got murdered?

No, that's crazy. I mean, is it?

[SIGHS] Your grandfather

was not just a winemaker.

No?

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

GIUSEPPE: [ON VIDEO] Ciao, Kristin Balbano.

I'm your grandfather, Giuseppe Balbano.

If you are watching this...

I'm dead.

I'm sorry I never got to see you grow up,

but I am even more sorry

that you grew up

without a father.

My father died in a construction accident.

Your father did not die

in a construction accident.

Your father was killed

by a member of the...

Romano family.

- [SPITS] - [ALL SPITTING]

After this incident,

your mother took you back to America

in search of a safer place.

[CLATTERING ON VIDEO]

Hey.

I told her that the safest place

would be with us,

but I respected

her wishes.

You do not cross a mother.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

- It's you. - Oh.

I remember when you were born,

picciridda mia.

[SIGHS FONDLY] I held you in my arms...

and I thought, "One day

"she will be a brave, confident woman

"who will make me proud."

Saying goodbye to you,

my only grandchild,

was the hardest thing

I ever had to do.

[FIRE ROARS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SIGHS, IN ENGLISH] And so,

my dying wish

is that you,

my direct bloodline,

take over

and be the new boss

of the Balbano family.

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] My trusted general, Bianca...

[FABRIZIO EXCLAIMS]

...will be by your side to help you.

Kristin,

I know you will respect my wishes

as I respected your mother's.

[FIRE CRACKLING LOUDLY]

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Oh, this isn't...

[GIUSEPPE CONTINUES IN ITALIAN ON VIDEO]

[IN ENGLISH] I think, uh, no.

I think there's been a bit of a mistake

because there is no way that I...

Me?

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Thanks, everyone.

This has been very informative,

but I have a Colosseum tour at 5 p.m.,

- so I gotta go get a cab. - No, you can't leave.

If the boss says you are the boss,

- you are the boss now, comprende? - Yeah, yeah but

you know what? I am not a boss,

like, not in any way, shape or form,

so, you know, especially not in a Mafia kind of way.

[IN ITALIAN]

- [SHUSHES] - [IN ENGLISH] I should be the boss!

Yes, yes. Good idea. He should be the boss.

I mean, who am I to steal anyone's boss thunder?

Besides, I've got a lot of shit going on at home,

my son just went to college

and my husband just cheated on me, so...

You want we should take care of him? Hmm?

- DANTE: Mmm? - No!

No.

No, God, no, no. I just need a vacation,

I just really want my Eat, Pray, Fuck!

Eat, Pray, Fuck?

Yeah, it's a play on words,

you know, the book, Eat, Pray, Love?

Yeah, it's a very uplifting

and moving memoir by...

Elizabeth Gilbert.

Yes! Yes, see, he knows.

Yeah, I wanna make wine, and I wanna eat pasta,

and be romanced, and...

But you came for a funeral.

Yeah. I mean, you know,

- after the funeral. - [MOBILE PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Lorenzo. It's Lorenzo, I should take this. How are you?

- Give me this. - Hey, what? No. What? No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God. I just paid that off!

I won't get another upgrade for a year

and how is Lorenzo supposed to get in touch with me?

How will I ever have sex?

[SIGHS, GROANS]

You cannot be speaking to random strangers.

It's too dangerous.

He's not a stranger,

he's gorgeous.

[KRISTIN SIGHS]

Okay.

You know what?

I'm done.

- Bye. [LAUGHS DRYLY] - [DOOR CLOSES]

BIANCA: Kristin!

Kristin!

You can't run away from your destiny.

Oh, yeah? Watch me.

Which way is it?

It's that way!

But I must warn you,

once you walk out those gates,

you will no longer be under our protection.

Also, you have no phone.

[KRISTIN SIGHING]

[CRYING]

You said you wanted to learn

how to make wine, yes?

We have machines to crush grapes now,

but this is the classic way.

This does feel kinda nice, huh?

You must stomp on the grapes

- to release their juices. - Yes.

And you must also take over

as the Balbano family boss.

[SHUDDERS] This is insane.

Where would I even begin?

Shh. Come here.

Are we actually the Mafia?

Your grandfather preferred to call it

the "invisible family."

- Oh, that's spooky. - [SNAPS FINGERS]

Invisible but strong,

and we can't appear weakened.

So, you must go to a meeting

with our enemies,

the Romanos.

What, the... the people who shot at us earlier?

[EXCLAIMS] Oh! I mean, can't Fabrizio go?

It seems like he would love this stuff.

It can't be Fabrizio.

He started the shootout.

He's a hot-head

- with a horrible temper. - Hmm.

Just like Sonny.

Who's Sonny?

From The Godfather.

Oh, right. Yeah. I never saw The Godfather.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Oh, my God.

Okay, look, it's really hard to find three and a half hours.

All you need to do

is offer their new Don

a part of the east.

- [SIGHS] - Something your grandfather was too stubborn to part with.

Please, we need someone

who's level-headed,

empathetic

- and unassuming. - Did you just call me pathetic?

We need you.

No, I will never be ready. No. No.

Also, we will give you a new phone...

Oh. Oh, oh.

...so you can go Eat, Pray, Fuck Lorenzo

once we finish the background check.

- Background check? - ALDO: Yeah.

Lorenzo Villaguzi, aged 33.

Oh, my God, he's quite young.

- Men do it all the time. - That's true.

- ALDO: He's born in Milano. - Which we don't like.

Yeah, but it's okay, Dante.

- Yeah, Dante. - And he's recently divorced.

[GASPS, LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]

Jackpot! Oh, my God!

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, my God, that's really good news. - This is your new phone.

Yee!

- It's untraceable. - Okay.

You meet with Don Romano tonight

and then you can do what you want with Lorenzo.

Deal?

Oh... [LAUGHS]

Uh...

- Yes, deal. Deal. - [BIANCA EXCLAIMS]

- [TYPING] - [MOBILE PHONE CHIMES]

BIANCA: Presenting the new Donna Balbano.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

You look like

a librarian from a library,

not a porno. [CHUCKLES]

Darling, come with me.

[FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES]

Again,

presenting la bellissima Donna Balbano.

- [ALDO WHISTLES] - [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Oh, my God, Valentino.

Hello.

- Yes. - Turn around, turn, turn.

ALDO: Hey.

- [KRISTIN LAUGHS] - And that's what you wear

to meet a mob boss.

- You guys are gonna stay with me the whole time, right? - Yes.

- Of course. - Okay, don't leave me.

Don't worry, Kristin.

[SIGHS] Okay.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] I'm Giannina. I'll be your server tonight.

- Oh, I love your glasses, Giannina. - Thank you.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

This is for your bag.

Oh, it's so cute. Little monkey. [CHUCKLES]

All right.

Thank you.

You're not Fabrizio.

And you are not what I was expecting.

I was told I would be meeting

with the new Balbano family boss.

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY] Yeah, that's me.

Kristin. The new boss.

[IN ITALIAN]

Ah.

[IN ENGLISH] I apologize for my rudeness.

Oh, no, not at all.

But, you know...

it was... it was a bit of a shock

to see a beautiful woman.

[LAUGHS]

Stop.

Oh, I'm sorry. I am Carlo Romano,

the new boss.

Oh, well, there you go. We're both new bosses,

we have so much in common.

Look at that. [CHUCKLES]

So, what were you thinking?

I was hoping to try gnocchi.

I love gnocchi

and I promised myself if I ever came to Italy,

I would eat as much gnocchi as I could.

CARLO: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I meant the territories. - Hmm?

Oh, right, yes. Sorry, I...

Okay, Google,

open notes. Um,

so you can take the north and...

part of the east extending to... Form-i-a?

Formia.

Formia.

Yes.

That's it.

[IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Thank you, Giannina.

She's sweet.

I ordered every gnocchi on the menu.

Oh, my God, someone's a good listener.

Prego.

Oh... Well...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Try.

You... You want me to try it first?

Yeah.

Well, no pressure. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

That is delicious.

This is the best wine I have ever had in my life.

Salute.

Salute.

[ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Listen, listen, listen. It's Oreo.

They're two chocolate biscuits held together...

with cream?

The cream... [LAUGHS] The cream is my favorite part.

[CARLO CHUCKLES]

Uh, listen...

um, about your offer.

Are you sure we have to stop at Formia? Hmm?

Hmm, well, that's what it says in my notes.

Of course.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

In your notes.

[CARLO SIGHS]

Do you like limoncello?

Oh, I'm more of a cherry jello person.

Oh. No, no, no. Limoncello.

It is, um, it is a dessert liquor.

Oh. Oh, no, I don't know it.

We'll have it in my hotel room. Upstairs.

- Hmm? - [CHUCKLES]

[MAN IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] All clear, boss.

Okay. Well, um, you guys can wait outside

while we finish our business.

We don't think this is a good idea.

Would you say that to a male mob boss? No.

Please! It's been three long years. Come on.

Thank you. Yes!

Ciao.[GIGGLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KRISTIN WHOOPING]

[KRISTIN MOANS]

Oh, come on. Oh, my God.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EXCLAIMS IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

Oh, you know what? I don't think I can hold on.

I've just gotta pee real quick.

- [SIGHS] - I know. I'm sorry.

I'll make it real quick. Come on. Ah!

All right. [SPEAKS ITALIAN]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay.

[KRISTIN HUMMING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]

[RAPID BREATHING]

[STRAINING]

[FARTS]

[SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Right.

So much better.

There she is.

- [KRISTIN GIGGLES] - [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- [KRISTIN HUMS SOFTLY] - [GLASSES CLINK]

- [MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES] - Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, so sorry, I must take this.

Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine.

- Wait. - I will.

[SIGHS]

Let's try this again.

Oh, okay. [GIGGLES]

[GLASSES CLINK]

Salute.

[BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY]

Oh, Oh, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, my God. If you told me three days ago

that I would be in a hotel room in Italy with a

handsome mob boss,

then I would say you are crazy.

But here I am!

Yes. Yes, but not for long.

Oh, don't remind me. I fly home at the end of the week

and there's still so much I wanna see.

I wanna go to the Amalfi coast. Pompei.

[EXCITEDLY] The Vaticano!

[LAUGHS]

Too bad you won't see any of those things.

Oh, no? Why? Because we'll be too busy making love?

Don Romano does not make love to dead women.

What?

The poison I put in your drink

should be travelling to your heart by now.

- Oh, my God. - Soon,

your lungs will collapse.

[GASPING] Oh, my God.

[GASPING FOR BREATH]

Oh, my God. No...

Hey, Aldo!

[SCREAMS]

- [CARLO SHUSHES] - [KRISTIN SOBBING]

You are a Balbano.

My uncle killed your father.

One day you will come for me and the rest of my family.

Eventually, we all seek revenge...

like Vito Corleone.

I never saw The Godfather.

No! It was The Godfather Part Two!

Okay, okay.

Stupid American woman!

Your family is in chaos.

Soon the Romanos will be the only...

[COUGHS]

...southern family here...

in... in...

[WEAKLY] ...in Lazio.

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

I'm okay.

Oh, my God.

- [CARLO GASPING] - Right.

I switched our glasses while you were on the phone.

[GASPS] I'm so sorry.

It's just that you poured me a way bigger portion

and I didn't know if I was gonna like limoncello.

And I didn't wanna be rude because,

typically I don't like lemon-flavored things.

I think it's because I took a lot of lemon-flavored Augmentin when I was a child.

It's an antibiotic and it's really disgusting.

[SOBBING]

[CRYING OUT]

- [KRISTIN SCREAMS LOUDLY] - Oh.

Three years.

- Ooh. - Ah.

[KRISTIN CONTINUES GROANING]

[HIGH PITCHED] Oh, my God! What do I do?

What do I do?

[SIGHS] Jenny. Oh, my God, yeah, of course.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Please, Jenny, please.

Please answer the phone. Please, please God.

Oh, please answer. Okay.

- JENNY: Sven. Yeah. - SVEN: [OVER PHONE] Oh.

[IN SWEDISH]

[IN ENGLISH] Okay, think about it.

- Okay, Jenny. - Yeah. Okay.

Hey, hey. Find any hot Italian men yet?

[STUTTERS] Uh, yes. Lorenzo.

- You fuck him yet? - Uh, he tried to kill me. And...

[WHISPERING] With his penis?

What? No, no, with poison. I...

A poisoned penis?

Slow down. Lorenzo did what?

No, no. Not Lorenzo. Carlo.

Wait, who the fuck is Carlo?

Oh, my God. He is this super-hot mob boss

who I had dinner with. But then he tried to poison me.

So, I switched our drinks.

And now he's dead.

Could I go to jail for this?

No. A little poison switch-a-roo?

It's classic self-defense.

Oh, my God, I killed a Mafia boss.

I am a dead woman.

[BREATHING ERRATICALLY]

[VOMITS]

- [SCREAMS OUT IN DISGUST] - [MEN GRUNTING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

ALDO: Everything okay in there?

[GASPS]

- [GUNSHOTS IN HALLWAY] - Oh, my God.

[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]

Oh, my God.

- [BODY THUDS OUTSIDE] - [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ah!

[DOOR OPENS]

ALDO: You are terrible at playing dead.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, it's you.

- Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you so much. - Kristin, please stop.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Is that a cannoli in your pocket?

[SAWING]

- BIANCA: So you fucked him? - KRISTIN: No, he died first.

You missed something.

When he came, he screamed like a woman.

You... Right.

Um, well, I guess that might have been fun?

- You took a shower? - Yes.

I took a shower because it usually calms me down, but...

I've never seen a dead body before.

And now I've seen three. Three!

I mean, I live a very boring life.

I am such a boring person. I'm a boring woman.

Seriously, I don't do anything with my life. I don't go out.

I just do everything for everybody else.

Those monsters will stop at nothing

until we're all dead

and they're the only family in Lazio.

I have an idea. I think I should go home.

I don't think I belong here.

- Did you not hear me? - What?

If you leave now, they will follow you

and they will not stop until you're dead.

[GASPS]

This is good.

How? How is this good?

This will send a message to the Romanos that our family is strong.

You're the boss. And the boss takes care of business.

You did good.

What? I murdered someone!

- Brava. - Brava.

No, no, no, no.

Do not "brava" me. I am bad. I did a bad thing.

Oh, my God, I just want my Eat, Pray, Love.

What is he...

- [CRIES OUT IN DISGUST] - [FABRIZIO GRUNTING]

[HEAVY OBJECT THUDS]

Ciao, Carletto.

- [FLESH SQUELCHING] - [FABRIZIO GRUNTING]

- [ALL SPITTING] - [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN ITALIAN]

[GULPS NERVOUSLY]

Bruno!

[LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY]

BRUNO: Mmm.

[BRUNO CHUCKLES MENACINGLY]

[IN ENGLISH] We have to kill those Romanos before they kill us!

And I mean on purpose!

No more accidentally saving the day!

You could be a little nicer to me, you know.

I just killed someone.

I'm a very good person. I'm a good mother.

I would do anything for my son.

I do everything for everyone.

Even animals, I can't even kill a bug.

I put it under a little cup, and I take it outside,

and whisper, "Go. Be free. Go live your life."

And I imagine them building a new home and a new life.

How are we supposed to appear strong when she is...

this?

These Romanos will never negotiate peace on good terms.

Why are we negotiating at all? Why don't we just give them what they want?

[MIMICS KRISTIN]

They want control over all of our territories.

So, why don't we just give it to them?

How do you expect us to make money?

I don't know!

[BOTH GRUNT IN FRUSTRATION]

What is it we do, anyway?

- FABRIZIO: Drugs. - BIANCA: Counterfeit bags.

FABRIZIO: Guns. Gambling.

Uh, so far I have heard nothing that is either legal

or moral.

Because... [SIGHS] you know,

we are the fucking Mafia!

You... [GROANS]

Let him go. He just needs to blow off some steam.

Oh, yeah? So do I. I am completely overwhelmed!

This is supposed to be my vacation.

- What are you doing? - I'm confirming my date

with Lorenzo because that was the deal.

But we are in the middle of a war.

No. You are in the middle of a war.

I am sick of doing everything for everybody else!

I'm gonna do something for me.

You cannot be in public right now.

Oh, I'm not going to be in public.

I'm going to have dinner at his place.

He is simple and adorable.

And... I just wanna be alone with him.

[IN ENGLISH] These are my cousins.

I come from a very conservative family

and they wanna protect...

my virtue.

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] I guess it will be a family affair. Please.

Okay. Thank you.

- It's good to see you. - It's so good to see you.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi. Thank you for having us in your home which is beautiful.

- Welcome to my aunt's place. - [GASPS] Oh, my God, it's totally magical.

Yeah.

Who is this? He looks like such a naughty little hobbit.

- Yeah. It's my uncle, Ernesto. - Oh.

- He recently died. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yes, we are. That's why I moved in.

- Oh, I see. - But I am

naming my own pasta line this year.

- This is your pasta line? - It is.

Oh, my God, that is so exciting.

You guys, look at this. This is his.

[SOFT ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Oh, Lord in Heaven, I have never eaten

homemade pasta before.

Mmm, so good.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

You know, it's... it's nice

to be with a woman who appreciates my cooking.

Yeah. My ex never did.

Ah, she sounds like a monster.

Oh, no. I didn't mean to bring her up again. Forget it.

No, it's okay. I get it.

I mean, my husband, my ex-husband

was a total man-child.

I mean, he made everything about himself.

And his band and his cheesy lyrics.

That sounds horrible.

[ESMERALDA SPEAKING ITALIAN]

I'd convinced myself that

his passion was more important than mine. Like an idiot. [CHUCKLES]

But even with our son,

divorcing Paul, I swear to God,

it was the best decision I ever made.

Oh, you have a child?

Yes! Yes, I'll show you. Here he is.

There. That's Domenick. He's my baby.

He's a really good kid.

[BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Last bite.

For me?

The most precious. Yes.

Okay.

KRISTIN: Oh, your pasta. [CHUCKLES]

It's the greatest thing I've ever had in my mouth.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

[IN ITALIAN]

Are your cousins okay with this?

Yeah, they're fine. Just kiss me.

- [MOBILE PHONE BEEPING] - Shit. No, no, no.

[GASPS] Oh, God, I forgot.

I've got this work Zoom meeting.

Oh, my God. Cousins!

I have to go. Rain check? I'm sorry. I just...

It's a really important meeting that I...

I totally forgot about it. Um...

Thank you for having us. I will call you.

[ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN]

KRISTIN: I can't believe this. Stupid work.

I'm enjoying myself for the first time in years,

and I have to do this dumb work Zoom.

Come on. Quit your job. You are a boss now.

Oh. I can't just quit my job. People are counting on me.

- DANTE: Hmm. - ALDO: Ma.

- [IN ITALIAN] - [WOMAN SHOUTING OVER PHONE]

Ma.

- [IN ENGLISH] Are you okay? - [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

My mother had another dizzy spell

and she has no more medication now. Okay. Okay?

She can't afford it. The SSN doesn't cover these new American drugs.

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] I know a pharmacist.

We go tomorrow, okay?

No, no, you should go tonight. Go take care of it tonight.

Yeah, but we must protect you.

- He is right. - No, family first.

I'm okay. I'll be fine.

Oh, Kristin.

Would you mind to put this

- into the fridge, please? - Yes, sure.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on. So late.

[GROANS] Okay.

[SIGHS] Here we go.

[EXHALES]

Oh.

I can't wear this. Oh, what am I... Oh, God.

[KRISTIN STRUGGLING WITH CLOTHES]

Ugh, right. Uh...

Come on, hurry, quick, quick!

[KRISTIN SIGHS WITH FRUSTRATION]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Okay.

[EXHALES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, nice of you to finally join us.

[CHUCKLES] Sorry, the...

the time difference is a little crazy, so...

HANK: So, where are we with Restylane?

Right, yes, okay. Um, so first:

Restylane makes women feel great about themselves, right?

So, I was thinking we open on a woman

alone, drinking some fine wine,

longingly perusing a travel brochure.

Mmm. I'm not really hearing anything that pops.

I mean, you know, you gotta grab them in the first few seconds.

[LAUGHS] But I just started.

Hey, you know who's really great at this?

Just riff, give us some of that Randy magic.

Go ahead and mute her.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

Help me!

And I'm just spitballing, all right.

But I'm thinking, woman on a jet-ski?

Aw, that's fresh.

Yeah, but how do we get there?

[SCREAMING] No! S.O.S.!

We open up on this attractive but, you know, older woman.

Not too old, right?

Help me!

[CRYING] Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, please.

I'm thinking tight, hot, early forties type role, you know what I'm saying?

- [BREATHES HEAVILY] - Oh, my God.

You are much more attractive than your grandfather.

Oh, my God.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY] - [GROANING WITH DISGUST]

No! [MOANS] No, no!

So, you know, she minding her business,

walking through the desert like people do.

WAYNE: That's a great metaphor for a tired woman

with a face that's so marked by time.

- Mmm. - [DOWNWARD WHISTLE]

- Sit down! - [GUN COCKS]

[BREATHING IRREGULARLY] No, no, no. Please don't.

Please don't hurt me. Please. No, no.

Oh, God, no. No entrata. Absolutely no entrata. No.

You like salsiccia e friarelli?

No. No sausages. I'm strictly vegetariano. No, thank you.

Very spicy.

Spicy? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No!

- Please, no. Please don't. No. - [BRUNO EXHALES PASSIONATELY]

[SOBBING] No, no, no. Please don't.

No, no, no.

Fucking belt.

She looks lonely. She looks...

- She looks her age, bro. - She does.

No woman should look her age.

[EXCLAIMS, GROANS]

Crotch! Eye!

- Crotch! Eye! - [BRUNO GROANING]

And like a blessing from the heavens,

the sky opens up and it starts to rain.

Then she looks down and she realizes,

"Oh, my God, I'm on a jet-ski."

Restylane Lyft gives her a second youth.

- WAYNE: Yeah. - A return to life.

I love that pose.

Crotch! Crotch!

- Eye! Crotch! - [BRUNO SCREAMING]

Restylane Kysse plumps her lips.

Crotch! Eye!

- [GROANS] - [WHIMPERING]

[KRISTIN GROANING]

WAYNE: Makes them kissable.

Rejuvenated.

- [EXCLAIMS] - [BRUNO GROANS]

WAYNE: You got water, you got wetness.

Whole lot of wetness.

[BOTH GROANING]

Fuck you!

When was the last time you saw a thigh gap like that?

Fuck you, Randy!

- Now she's kissable. - Oh, fuck you, Wayne!

- Wow. - Oh, fuck you, Hank!

[GROWLING]

And you, you fucking creepy pervert!

Fuck you! [FLESH SQUELCHES]

[SCREAMS, SHUDDERS]

RANDY: And then she just rides off into the distance.

- Soft, youthful... - [LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF]

...and wet.

[RANDY SIGHS]

[WHIMPERS]

- HANK: Randy, that was superb. - [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Okay.

See that, Kristin?

That's how it's done.

Unmute.

Kristin.

Hey, tell me you heard Randy's pitch.

Oh, Kristin?

Are you drunk?

[STUTTERS]

Oh, man. I really hoped this day would never come

but I'm gonna have to let you go.

By the way, you have some pasta sauce on your face.

You know what?

Fuck you!

Whoa! That's gratitude for you.

- Highly unnecessary. - Toxic.

Oh, God.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[ROMANTIC ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[TAPPING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW] KRISTIN: Hmm?

BIANCA: You left quite a mess at the villa.

You need to tell us when things like this happen,

so we don't have to worry

whether or not you are currently alive.

Oh, fine. So, next time someone tries to murder me,

I'll be sure to let you know.

Grazie.

[IN ENGLISH] Now, the Romanos want to meet today.

Oh, so they can try to kill me again? Huh!

I thought once you'd had sex, you would calm down a bit.

Hey, I've been here two days

and I've been almost murdered twice.

That's one per day.

I'm gonna need a lot more sex to calm me down!

I know a man.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Stop with your cousin, please.

They're prepared to make some concessions.

We have the upper hand.

They've agreed to a public meeting.

Fabrizio will be there with you.

I can't be there because it's only family.

Fine. But I wanna meet at La Bottega del Gelato

because it has a five-star rating.

And I never have gelato. And I have been dying to go!

- But we have... - That's an order!

KRISTIN: Mmm. Mmm!

Look, I am tired of this war.

Oh, my gosh, Tripadvisor does not lie.

My family is tired of this war.

It's got to stop.

MAMMONE: We couldn't agree more.

You killed our boss, and our best killer.

All by yourself.

Does your offer for Formia stand?

Yes. Absoluto.

So, we are at peace then, Mammone?

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] We are at peace...

Donna Balbano.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[CARLO'S SONS SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Oh.

[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Well, there you go.

[LOUDLY] Can I get another scoop?

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZING]

[KISSES]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[KRISTIN CHUCKLES]

[IN ENGLISH] You really impressed me.

Oh, yeah, the meeting

went better than I thought it would.

Because you terrified them.

Last night was a true work of art.

You have rage, Kristin.

Wild,

passionate, deep rage.

I like it.

[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY] Okay.

You know, it wasn't just blood on Bruno.

It was mushy, thick.

Bits of his scrotum were stuffed in his eye socket.

Mmm.

And that's why they listened to you.

Because he had bits of his scrotum stuffed in his eye socket?

Maybe.

And that's how you earned rispetto.

You'll fit right into this family!

Give me your hand.

What, uh...

Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't have to.

- Yeah. - You should... No, no.

Oh, it's too big. I don't...

KRISTIN: Mmm.

Yeah, it fits pretty well.

And now...

give me some "grrrr."

Be the leopard!

What, uh... [GROWLING]

- [PURRS] - No, no. [GROWLS]

- [HACKING GROWL] - No, no, no.

No fur ball. No espresso machine.

Just... [GROWLS]

[GROWLING]

[BOTH GROWLING]

This one. This one. This one.

Bye.

Okay. Thank you.

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

Are you kidding me?

[EXHALES]

[BURPS]

[GROANS] Oh, God.

Oh, Bianca.

You know, a month ago,

I was feeding the homeless in Long Beach.

I mean, I help old people cross the road all the time.

I am a good person.

Of course you are. You made peace.

Yeah, but at what cost? I feel like Michael Corleone.

You saw the movie?

No. I read the Wikipedia summary.

Kristin, the world isn't black and white.

Your grandfather took care of my family.

He put my mother through school

- and gave us shelter and food. - Huh.

And bought me this leg.

I owe him everything.

My point is, just because you're a Mafia boss,

doesn't mean you have to be a bad person.

Right. Right.

Wait, what did you say about your leg?

When I was 13, a truck hit my Vespa.

Oh, my God!

All the kids made fun of me.

Oh.

But Don Balbano came to our house with a big box.

And he brought me a prosthetic leg.

It changed my life.

Wow. I mean, jeez, I...

- I didn't even... - [HOLLOW CLANG]

Couldn't tell. Looks so real.

Precision Swiss technology.

- Upgraded every five years. - Huh.

So, Kristin, I'm living proof

that you can do a lot of good with the power you have.

It's not about losing yourself.

It's about becoming yourself.

But if this isn't what you want, you can leave.

I can?

You made peace.

You can go home to your old life.

To the old you.

Oh, no, I don't wanna go back to that me.

I don't like that one. No, I don't think so.

Then what do you wanna do?

Well,

we're involved in an import/export business, right?

Mmm-hmm.

KRISTIN: Hmm.

I think I have an idea.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

KRISTIN: It's a win-win, right?

Because we keep prices low

and we sell medications to people in Italy

that they can't usually find at a reasonable rate.

Because it's not just about profit.

It's about helping people, right?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

I was just thinking.

We've been together a few months now

and I have never been to your place. [CHUCKLES]

You're still quite secretive.

I am not secretive.

I'm not. Come here, I'm gonna take a photo

of us and the Vaticano.

- [CLEARS THROAT] Right. Ready? - Okay.

- Yay. - Yay.

There. Okay. And now I am posting it.

Immediately. There.

There we are. Done.

- Okay. - Mmm-hmm.

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZING]

Nicky. Oh, my God,

I miss you so much. [WHISPERS] It's my son.

Who's the dude?

Uh, he is my pasta teacher.

We're just out buying double zero flour.

Okay. I gotta go to class. Um, I love you.

I love you.

Pasta teacher? Honestly, I just feel like

you're not telling me something.

- Oh, really? - Don't you trust me?

- Stop it. - Don't you trust me?

Don't even joke.

- You can tell me anything. - [SIGHS]

I love you.

[SEAGULLS CALLING]

Oh, my God. Paul?

- Your Paul? - That Paul?

Get off me! Who the hell are these guys?

What the hell are you doing here?

I flew here to find you. I saw your Insta.

Dammit. I post one stupid photo.

[PAUL WHIMPERING]

[CHUCKLES] He's much weaker than I imagined.

And I imagined someone very weak.

- Who's Paul? - I'm her husband!

No... [SIGHS]

- You are married? - No, we are separated.

Look, I can see you're a pretty handsome guy

and you've been having some great sex...

Dante, please take him back to the villa.

- Come on, Paul. Let's go. - What, what? Let me go.

So he gets to go to your place, but I can't?

No, it's not like that. No.

You told me you were divorced.

Well, we may as well be.

He's a horrible husband who cheated on me.

- No. No. - No, I mean...

It's taken me so long to trust again.

- And I really care about you. - No, no.

I... I care about you. I care about you so much.

Then let's be honest with each other.

Is there anything else you are keeping from me?

[ALDO CLEARS HIS THROAT]

- Hmm? - Um...

Oh, my God. Um...

I'm so sorry, I really do have to go deal with this.

- Okay? I'm sorry. - Sure, go.

- It's okay. - I'll see you.

- KRISTIN: God dammit, Paul. - DANTE: Just stay back!

PAUL: [MUFFLED] I need to pee, please.

- What did you guys do? - I shut his mouth.

He's very annoying.

PAUL: I need to pee. I can't hold it.

Okay. Okay.

Nice and easy.

Actually, Dante, can you grab some baby oil and Q-tips?

- I think it'll be... - Ow!

Dammit! I was just getting over a cold sore.

The cheater does not deserve your care.

You told these people about Tracy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey. Hey.

[GROANS] Dammit!

No one talks to her that way. Show some respect. Huh?

- To Kristin? - [SPITS]

Ew. Kristin, do something.

Why are you so nice

- to this stronzo? - [GRUNTS]

How dare you call me something

I don't even know what it means?

Who the hell are these people?

They are her best grape squashers.

And I'm the label maker.

Yes. I am a vintner now.

- You make swords? - Wine, stronzo.

I'm gonna look that word up as soon as I get outta here.

Why are you even here?

I hadn't heard from you. I was worried about you.

I miss you.

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

Okay.

Okay, fine.

After you lost your job,

our joint bank account is empty.

- [SCOFFS] - So, I figured, you know,

since I'm your husband,

I should probably come live with you in the villa.

Oh, my God. It all makes perfect sense now.

You only came here to get something else from me!

Go home, Paul.

Actually, you only had enough points for a one-way ticket.

- [SCOFFS] Pathetic. - He's not worth it.

What did you see in him?

- Just take my card and... - Kristin, no.

Don't!

- No, you're better than this. - You're right.

- I should just book it myself. - No, Kristin.

- That's not what we meant! - That's worse.

Fine. Fine.

- Paul, you're a grown-ass man! - [DANTE LAUGHS]

- Figure it out yourself! - There you go.

Own your power. Brava.

- [ALDO SPEAKING ITALIAN] - So, take him to the airport!

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

You've been stress

- grape gathering all night. - [SIGHS]

Stop worrying about your imbecile husband.

He'll find his way home. Or he won't.

No, it's just that, you know, Paul hurt me so much

over the years with all the lying.

And I don't wanna do that to Lorenzo.

But you can't tell Lorenzo about this part of your life.

I know. I know.

But what if it wasn't part of my life?

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

I want out.

But the family heads are meeting today.

I'm not allowed at the table,

but you and Fabrizio have to be there.

Okay, perfect.

Well, that's where I'll announce my resignation.

But you can't just leave.

Actually, yes, I can.

You said, once I made peace, remember?

[LAUGHS]

- You believed me. - [SCOFFS]

I knew you wouldn't go back to your old sad life.

Besides, that was before you created all this beauty.

The pharmacy business. Helping people.

I know. I just wanna give Lorenzo a chance.

So, you're willing to give up all of this

for a man you barely know?

What? We've been dating for months!

Have you farted in front of him?

Well, like a tiny little... [IMITATES FART]

[LAUGHS]

He didn't hear it. But, you know,

he did fart in front of me once.

But, really,

I've made up my mind.

Fine.

I just hope this is what you want.

Never let a man dictate who you are or what you can do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

MAMMONE: [IN ENGLISH] Thank you all

for joining us today.

We called this meeting

to discuss your pharmaceutical business.

Yes.

Hello, everyone. I'm Donna Balbano.

And I brought a little something special

- for everybody today. - [SNAPS FINGERS]

[CASE UNLOCKING]

Ta-da! I made muffins. [LAUGHS]

I know you may not wanna eat them

because of the whole poison thing,

but please remember, we are at peace.

See? Mmm.

Poison-free muffins. [GIGGLES]

I just thought it would be really nice

- to break bread together. - Kristin!

- My bananas were going bad... - Enough!

And I needed to use them.

Your business is causing quite the problem for us.

I deal with pharmaceuticals, Mammone.

I'm not touching electronics, or your cars.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But all of our business

has to pass by the inspectors.

And the inspectors are on your payroll.

[YELLING IN ITALIAN]

Hey, listen, listen. I could talk to the inspectors.

I have a great rapport with them.

The damage is done. We are losing a lot of money.

You must pay a percentage of your business.

Actually, now is really not the best time.

I was hoping we can keep all this beautiful peace

that we've been enjoying.

You know, I'm alive. You guys are all alive.

In fact, these muffins are kind of a parting gift.

I'm planning on stepping down shortly.

[MEN MURMURING IN ITALIAN]

Oh, I'll be leaving you in very good hands.

Bianca will be taking over

as the new boss of the Balbano family.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Your secretary?

She is so much more than a secretary.

- [ALL LAUGHING] - You have no idea.

Nice joke.

You think you can fuck us all over

and leave?

No.

It doesn't work like that.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Let's all calm down. I'm not fucking anybody over.

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Lorenzo? Oh, my God, you're a cop?

Not fucking us over, eh?

[IN ITALIAN]

[FEMALE OFFICER SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Weapons down, motherfuckers!

Aunt Esmeralda?

[LORENZO SPEAKING ITALIAN]

- [GROANS] - Oh, my...

[SCREAMING]

[SCATTERED GUNSHOTS]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [BOTH SCREAMING] - DANTE: Kristin! Kristin!

[KRISTIN SCREAMING]

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Kristin. Kristin!

- Let's go! - Okay.

Stay low.

[SCREAMS]

[GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING]

[GUNSHOTS]

So, you were just using me this whole entire time?

My parents were gunned down

by the Mafia right in front of me!

At my soccer game. After I missed a goal.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[ALDO AND DANTE YELLING]

Uzi.

[ALDO AND DANTE REPEATING]

[GASPS]

I was assigned to this case...

So I'm just a case?

What about your marriage, and your ex, that's lies?

Mostly.

And who the fuck is Esmeralda?

You mean Maria? She's my boss.

[GASPS] And who are you?

- I am Rodolfo. - Rodolfo?

Yes, but you can call me Rudy.

Rudy? I'm not calling you anything.

[ESMERALDA YELLING IN ITALIAN]

[CRIES OUT IN PAIN]

Mama!

[CRYING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Oh, my God. Are you even a pasta maker?

We were gonna run away together.

We were gonna open a restaurant.

I was gonna make the wine, you were gonna make the food.

I was gonna get fat and you weren't gonna care.

It was gonna be heaven!

How fat?

[GASPS]

[IN ENGLISH] All clear!

Get away from me.

Please. No, no, Kristin, please. [GROANS] Kristin.

No, I am not talking to you. We are done.

Uh, no, Kristin.

I'm arresting you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for this.

[GANG MEMBERS CLAMORING]

Come on.

[DANTE AND ALDO SPITTING]

I...

[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- [EXHALES DEEPLY] - You...

have a finger in your hair.

[GASPS]

Stick it up your ass!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

WAITER: Ciao.

KRISTIN: So...

This is your first trial, right?

- Mmm-hmm. - Oh, good for you.

[LAUGHS ANXIOUSLY]

JENNY: Wait. Wait.

- Excuse me. - KRISTIN: Oh, my God, Jenny!

- Kristin. - [EXCLAIMS]

- Don't say anything. - Thank you so much.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my goodness. Hey!

Take your hands off of my client!

- Give me that. Give... - [WOMAN WHIMPERS]

What are you, still in diapers?

Bianca called me.

You didn't think I was gonna let my best friend

rot in an Italian jail, did you?

I saw the Amanda Knox doc. No.

Oh, my God. How did they get out of jail?

Not enough evidence to charge them.

Right. And what about Bianca? Where is she?

It's better for you if she's not here.

Okay, got it.

[GASPS]

- That Lorenzo? - Yeah.

[MOUTHING] Hi.

[ECHOES] Dick!

[SIGHS] Such a good echo.

- [SINGING] What a dick! - [KRISTIN GIGGLES]

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

[JUDGE SPEAKING ITALIAN]

PROSECUTOR: Signora Giudice,

[IN ENGLISH] today I will show that Ms. Balbano has taken over

the criminal enterprise of her grandfather,

Giuseppe Balbano.

Madame Judge,

Signora Giudice,

I will show you that my client simply came to Italy

to pay her respects and found

that she had inherited a vineyard.

Now, was my client seen in a room

filled with questionable people?

Sure. But only to tell them that she wanted no part of it.

[SCOFFS]

Giannina,

could you tell us your dealings with the Indagato.

Well, everyone else calls me "waitress,"

cameriera,

but she calls me by my name.

She likes my bonsai tree.

She tells us we are her best vintners.

She makes us feel appreciated.

So, we repay our gratitude by being her bodyguards.

DANTE: We go with her at the meeting

because they want to hurt

- sweet woman. - [SIGHS]

They are very, very, very bad guys.

Look what they did to the poor Dante.

How long was this undercover operation of yours?

Well, I've been investigating Giuseppe Balbano for years.

When I met the Indagato,

she'd just landed in Italy for the funeral...

And when did you start having

sexual relations with my client?

I ask the questions here!

And when did you start

having sexual relations with the Indagato?

About...

one day after.

- But she was asking for it. - [JENNY GASPS]

Okay. I mean, not... I mean, not asking.

But she said this trip was her "Eat, Pray, Fuck."

The book is Eat, Pray, Love.

You took advantage of an innocent winemaker

and sullied a literary masterpiece.

You gross.

I came to this country

at a time in my life

where I completely doubted myself.

Then when I arrived here,

I discovered that I had inherited a vineyard.

It was shriveling

and dying...

much like me.

So, I nurtured it.

And I came to realize

that I inherited so much more than a vineyard.

I inherited an opportunity to fulfil my purpose.

So...

I inherited me.

Thank you.

I don't need to hear anything anymore.

I've made my decision.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] No grounds to proceed.

[CHEERING]

He's gonna give me a ride home.

Bravo![CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Kristin?

Kristin, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Congratulations.

Well, I just wanted you to know that it wasn't all lies.

I really did fall in love with you.

And I still love you.

[SIGHS]

I thought I was listening to my heart.

But it turns out

I was just using another man to validate me.

And for the first time in my life...

[SIGHS] I honestly don't give a shit.

Oh, my God. Dante. Dante.

Oh, my God, those goddamn Romanos.

[ALDO EXCLAIMING]

Oh, he's losing a lot of blood.

[WHISPERING] Here, I've got this thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We need to get him some help.

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZING]

- Oh, God, who is this? - [ALDO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

It's Bianca. She's in the winery.

Oh, my God, she's been shot, too.

Uh, uh, okay, you stay with Dante and I'll go to Bianca.

Wait, wait, wait.

- [COCKS GUN] - Just in case.

Bianca?

What? Nicky.

- Bianca is dead. - [KRISTIN GASPS]

DOMENICK: Mom.

FABRIZIO: I knew you'd come back

if your precious Bianca texted you.

Drop the gun.

And kick it to me.

Good girl.

KRISTIN: What are you guys doing here?

FABRIZIO: You can thank your husband for this.

He lured your son here to...

something about guilting you

into taking him back.

Look, I was worried about you, Mom.

- Oh, honey. - [MOCKINGLY] Honey.

What do you want?

Are you serious?

I want to be the head of the Balbano family!

- [FIRES GUN] - I told everyone I'm leaving.

And leaving it all to fucking Bianca!

Hey!

Really, Paul? You're just gonna waddle out of here

and leave our son sitting there?

- [STRAINING] - Whoa, whoa!

No!

Don't you dare touch my kid!

[BOTH GROWLING]

[GROANING]

Mom, look out.

- [GUNSHOT] - [BULLET WHIZZES]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[GUNSHOT]

I've been shot. It burns.

You have terrible taste in men.

No shit.

Paul, untie our son

- and get the hell outta here! - Untie me.

Babe, this knot is impossible.

[GROANS] Hold on.

- [BITES] - [SCREAMS]

- Paul. Here, take this. - Yeah? Okay.

Keep it pointed at him, okay?

Yeah, it's heavy. [CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTS] There. Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah. Are you?

Oh, God, I'm so happy to see you.

- I've missed you so much. - How are you?

Hey, hey, I loosened the knot, right?

You're a baby.

I'm not a baby, you're a baby.

You're a big, fat, podgy baby.

You're a big, stupid, blonde baby.

You're a baby with big poop in your diaper.

- Mom! - Don't move!

[GASPS] Oh, my God, Bianca, you're alive!

Of course I am.

No, no, no...

Fabrizio is a terrible shot.

FABRIZIO: Wait, wait, wait.

I saw you die.

You saw me take a bullet like a woman.

But there is a fucking major artery right there.

Wrong leg, idiot.

- [YELLS IN ITALIAN] - [HOLLOW CLANGING]

- BIANCA: High tension steel. - It's fucking cool, man.

[LAUGHS]

I did have to re-adjust it.

That's why it took me so long. Sorry.

Oh, honey, I'm just glad you're okay.

Grazie, amore.

[CRIES OUT] I'm hit again.

Dad, come on.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BULLETS WHIZZING]

[BIANCA CHUCKLES]

KRISTIN: Bianca, take care of my kid, okay?

Make a break for the door.

I'll cover. Now!

PAUL: Come on, Nicky.

- Come on. Come on. - [GUNSHOTS]

Go, go.

- Help me, Nicky. - Come on.

[LOUD METALLIC CLATTER]

FABRIZIO: Drop it.

[GUN CLATTERS]

You think you can just come here and take over?

This is mine! All of it!

I earned it!

Uh, you didn't earn anything.

I'm the one who had to come over here

and clean your mess up.

Oh, please.

Oh, yeah. I am the one who made this

awful wine fucking delicious.

Yeah, me. This.

I have done more for this family

in the last three months

than you have your entire life.

And yet you feel entitled to be the boss?

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH CURSING IN ITALIAN]

[GROWLS ANGRILY]

[FABRIZIO SCREAMS]

Oh, my God. Uh...

Oops. Are you, uh...

I guess it's a little rusty, huh?

I should get this fixed.

Help me!

Please. Please, cousin.

[CREAKING]

[BOTH STRAINING]

Say it.

What?

Say I'm the boss.

Never!

Then, as the boss, I'm gonna have to let you go.

[LAUGHS]

I've always wanted to say that.

You can't do it, can you?

Hey. Hey, stop! No!

No!

- [FABRIZIO SCREAMING] - [BONES CRUNCHING]

- [MACHINE GROANING] - [ALARM BLARING]

[SHUDDERS, GAGS]

[GASPS]

[BREATHING STEADILY]

[MACHINE STOPS]

[SOBS AND SIGHS]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

KRISTIN: Okay. Introducing the newest Balbano rose.

It's called Little Pinky.

- KRISTIN: Salute. - GROUP: Salute.

KRISTIN: Whoo-hoo! [CHUCKLES]

[ALL MOANING IN DELIGHT]

That is crisp.

You know, this Balbano wine's

gonna get me into some serious trouble.

Blackout Jenny is coming.

All right, all right, sweetie, you should get going.

Heard you got shot.

Yeah, I got shot, too.

- I got, like, five stitches. - Oh.

How about you?

Twenty-seven stitches.

And they left the bullet in my spleen.

- You wanna touch it? - No. Put it away.

Oh.

- I wanna touch it. - Mmm.

Now, come. Show me around.

You know, I never realized what a badass you are.

- You know, neither did I. - [BOTH LAUGH]

Domenick, there's something I need to tell you.

Your father and I are getting a divorce.

Are you okay? I know it's a lot to take in.

I was just held hostage...

- at gunpoint. - [SIGHS]

Divorce is fine. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Come here. I hate saying goodbye to you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, but I'll see you next week, Mom.

Uh, yeah.

- Love you. - Actually, um...

I've been thinking about it, and...

- I'm gonna stay here. - Seriously?

Yeah. Balbano Wine's really taking off.

And for the first time in my life,

I'm doing exactly what I wanna do.

Yeah, but are you sure it's safe here?

Aren't there a lot of people who, like, wanna hurt you?

No, that's not a problem any more.

[MEN CHATTERING]

PRISON GUARD: Hey, Mammone.

[LAUGHS]

MAMMONE: "Don't fuck with me or you're next."

[GASPS]

MAMMONE: [SOFTLY] Fabrizio.

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] But you're not like,

you know...

in the Mafia, right?

I make wine. That's all.

- A vintner? - Yeah.

I wanna stay here

- and be a vintner with you. - No.

- Call me. - [SIGHS]

[DANTE SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Mr. and Mrs. Martelli for you.

Grazie, Donna Balbano.

[KRISTIN IN ITALIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Oh, shit.

Uh, Nicky. Wait, wait, wait.

I made you some trail mix for the flight.

And don't forget to put on your sweater, okay.

It gets chilly on the plane.

- I love you. - You, too.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]