Original subtitles

Wake up, please, sir.

It's Calendar Day.

Lucy...

forget about Calendar Day.

Wrong answer, Dick.

- What're you doing? - It's Calendar Day.

- Wake up. - What time is it?

She's gone already.

One more wasted day.

Not true, devil girl!

Come on, baby, be there.

Come on, where are you?

She's probably got some man's face in an unspeakable place now.

Lucy, come on!

Come on! Hello. My girlfriendJane.

So who...?

What's...

that right there?

What's going on?

That's nothing.

That's just her brother.

That's her gay brother.

What's her gay brother doing to her?

Oh, my God. Why?

That should be illegal. You can't have naked men wandering around. Disgusting.

Joe, don't you think this painting you've done ofJane in the kitchen...

is a tad incomplete? That there might...

I can't hear any assholes talking!

Okay, Dick, rise and shine, and leave.

Come on, Lucy. It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.

Come on.

Here's five dollars, all right?

Go buy yourself a nice breakfast.

My friend! Man, I love you! I love you!

- Get the hell off me! - I'll be right back.

Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.

Joe, have you seen my shoe?

Have I seen your shoe? No.

Come on, Lucy, let's do this.

You all dressed?

My shoe...

You can get it next time.

You are too brutal, Lucy. Give the guy a break.

Bye, I had a nice time. I'll call you.

- You're doing it again. - What?

Mushing my head out the door. Could you not...

- do that? - I wasn't mushing. You were leaving.

I can't take this anymore.

Lucy, I want you to decide.

After two-and-a-half years of sleeping with you...

going to dinner...

not seeing anyone else...

meeting families...

I think I may have given you a ring at one point.

Okay, am I?

Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no?

That's it.

Let me see.

Lucy, not the hug test again.

No, Dick.

What?

Oh, right.

Bye, Lucy.

Good-bye, Dick.

Missed a spot.

What is up with that guy?

You know, Dick is Dick.

We're friends.

Listen... Did you guys used to?

We used to.

Did you...

Did you go down on him or...

Sometimes.

Really.

I was wondering, do guys like that better than...

Definitely.

- Really? - Absolutely.

- You'd take that over that. - Any day of the week.

Listen...

does he have a...

a big...

It's average.

Bigger than me?

I've never...

You have. After I shower.

Yeah, but never in its full...

- Ten. - Five.

I said "ten."

Five. Guys always double it.

Really?

So if...

I had said...

- six? - Three.

Really.

- Three. - Jesus.

I know...

a lot of guys who say six.

Three.

Remember that death pact we made in college?

Excuse me?

The death pact that we made in college?

No.

Billy Gash had just dumped me and the girl you were so mad for...

wouldn't even talk to you.

Her name was Betsy or...

Belinda!

Belinda Slaughter.

I was in love. She wouldn't look at me.

- I know. - I was devastated.

I know.

All right, what did we say?

That if we didn't have wonderful, intimate relationships...

with serious familial possibilities by the time you turned 30...

we'd kill ourselves.

I'm happy to be an adult and not have to suffer painful nights like that.

That was pretty bad.

Can you believe a death pact?

I know.

How old are you now anyway?

Like... 26, 27?

No, 29.

When's your birthday?

November 20th?

March first. We have one month to go.

What?

We are disgruntled people, dissatisfied with our present lives.

We should kill ourselves to get ourselves going.

I'm going. I don't need to die.

No, you're not going, Joe. And neither am I. The world is a scary place.

And you're the scariest thing in it so I must go away from you now.

Listen. We can't waste any more time.

You must meet someone by age 30...

so you're together a few years and you know you have staying power...

so you don't mess up children with divorce.

That makes you 33 when you have your first kid.

Then you don't hit menopause until that child is at college.

Any other plan is a disaster. That's why we had a pact.

- Come on! - We're coming!

You stay there, kids.

Now...

we both believe in God and reincarnation.

Of course. So why bother playing out a sad life?

Divorce, unhappy children, unrealized ambitions.

If we don't hit it in 28 days, we just end it.

Let God start fresh with us. It's selfish of us to think any other way.

Come on, Lucy!

Think.

Don't listen to her anymore. She's no longer stable.

- Shut up, Joe! - Be quiet.

Thank you. Okay, who's first?

I think... Eddy.

I like this guy Billy, but I'm too afraid to talk to him.

Send him a note and tell him exactly how you feel. Twenty cents, please.

Okay, I'll take it in a second.

Let's see. Who might be next?

Sam, please.

I left a tooth under my pillow and the tooth fairy only left a quarter.

You go to your mother, and you say, "Mommy...

if this is all the tooth fairy can afford, she needs it more than I do."

Fifteen cents, please.

I can't believe you take their money.

They like giving it to me. It makes them feel like adults.

All right, kids, class time!

You have therapy now?

Thank God.

Come on, you little creeps! Get in there! Get in...

you nutty kids!

I have nothing to say.

Don't you think that this whole process...

is about getting to your feelings of ambivalence?

What I say isn't important. It's what you say.

I'm sure that's what you think, but I have nothing to say...

and I think we're out of time.

All right...

I might have something to say.

Maybe you can say it next week.

Maybe.

Thanks, Lucy.

- You're welcome. - You've been a big help.

Picasso?

People with heads like balloons and eyes in the middle of their faces?

Sweet. Very nice.

A tough one for our expert over there. Gauguin. Emily.

That gross guy who sent his ear to his brother and then killed himself.

No, that was Van Gogh, Gauguin's friend.

Pair up, you little munchkins, and start painting.

Come with me.

I called again. I can't believe I called again...

making my lover my authoritarian parental scapegoat thus digressing...

in my analysis.

This clear, sort of Edwardian mystical martyrdom that I...

Did you just yawn?

Am I boring you?

I'm so sorry my problems bore you, Lucy.

Yes, you do bore me, Ted. This story bores me.

Every week for an hour it's the same thing:

"I didn't want to call. He made me feel like shit, but I called."

It bores me.

It bores me too.

This ultimate...

Faustian prison.

I want to stop. Why the hell do you think I see you?

Maybe you're bored.

I look at the phone. I stare at the phone.

Then I pick up the phone. I feel I am the phone.

I am imprisoned by the phone, therefore I am a prison...

with the phone as my...

bars!

Where's your partner?

Couldn't find a partner?

I know how you feel.

I don't have a partner either.

Do you want to be my partner?

Really?

You serious?

All right.

- What do you want to paint? - A rainbow.

Let's start with what? A little red?

My goodness, who would leave this phone here like this?

God!

How was class?

Okay.

Good.

Do you think you help people in therapy?

Well, I try.

I think it's possible.

The pain in these kids sometimes is...

It just makes me sad.

Oh, another deep painting subject day?

Why do you always do that?

Act flippant about things that are important to me?

You've reconsidered the death pact?

You're afraid I may be right. You won't answer one question.

What I hear you saying is you're frightened.

Do you want to tell me, or do you want to keep projecting your fears onto me?

I'm not projecting shit.

Why do you act flippant about things that are important to me?

I don't feel that I do.

You do.

That's your perception.

It's not perception.

I feel like a piece of shit when you act like you don't care.

That's how I feel. That's no perception.

Are you having a crisis aboutJane?

I could understand if I were celibate, if I were saving myself 5 years...

if I were obsessing over someone and didn't have the courage to talk to them.

I can imagine that I might be in a bit of a crisis about this person.

You have a glib response for everything.

You're in a little shell. You hide behind your smug, pseudointellectual...

psychobabble humor.

Want to talk about being afraid? Let's talk about Dick.

Why don't we talk about two-and-a-half years of you hiding behind Dick?

You don't give a shit about him. You could care less about how he feels.

And turn down everything that's come along.

If you want to talk about being afraid, forget me. Let's talk about you.

If everybody weren't afraid, then nobody would know how nice it feels to be safe.

All right, Lucy...

28 days.

I'll talk toJane.

You'll go out with anyone who asks.

At the end of this month, if nothing changes, we'll jump off a bridge.

Fine.

Fine.

- This is it. You take it. - My God!

"The New York City Board of Education is pleased to inform you...

that having met the necessary requirements...

recommendations, your application has been accepted.

Just answer these questions:"

What're the questions?

They're giving us our school!

What are the questions, Joe? What?

"What is your teaching philosophy?"

Progressive but honest.

Like teaching kids to commit suicide if they don't have boyfriends by 4th grade?

Wait.

When do we get the building?

- When we get the money. - When's that?

- Right now. Simon. - Excellent.

"Bwick Elias." Yeah, whatever.

- How'sJoe? - He's terrific. He's good.

Is he still infatuated with that woman across the street?

Did you hate grade school, Daddy?

No. Did you?

Yeah.

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I've really been thinking a lot... Well, actually...

Joe and I were talking about...

What?

Never mind.

Nothing. Really, it's nothing.

You got your stuff into Harvard?

Good.

Mom used to tell me that if I...

sat here and wished hard, Alice would take me to Wonderland with her.

But I'd get discouraged.

I must have come here every day for months.

And I'd stand here.

Actually, I'd sit right here, desperately, hoping, wishing.

But she never showed.

By the way, I have some mail for you at the house.

They keep sending it to my address.

You can have it forwarded to me.

It was great seeing you. You look terrific.

Thanks.

- I love you. - See you next week.

- Bye. - Bye.

Fuck. You're mine!

Any guy.

You look very pretty today.

Thank you.

- You look like an idiot. - Excuse me?

Savant!

I meant you...

looked like an idiot savant.

I mean, I think you have savantian qualities.

I think we all do.

May I date you tonight?

Food for thought. Gotta run.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Tomorrow night, 8:00?

Great.

Hey, Al. How're you doing, buddy?

- Is she in there? - No.

- You saw her go in. - No, I didn't.

I'm going to talk to her.

- I heard that before. - You are my best friend.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Eat shit.

Okay, here we go.

- Good. - How you been?

- Good. And you? - Fine. Long time no see.

Just talk to her. You just got to fucking talk to her!

- What's ginseng for? - They is for men.

- What does it do? - You know.

What does it do for women?

You just walk over and you talk to the woman.

It's not a big production. It doesn't have to be dramatic.

You just walk over and you...

And you die, you walk over and you die because she's so...

- See you. - Thanks, guys. Have a good one.

It's bad.

Shut up.

I said I'd kill myself up here with you in three weeks.

You could at least do my picnic.

Let's get used to the place.

What if people see us? I hate this. I'm freezing. I'm cold.

I think if we jump, people will see.

Do you know what I mean? Hot chocolate?

You were saying you spoke toJane?

Yes, I did.

Really? What'd she say?

Nothing. She'd left the deli.

It was close, Lucy.

I don't know what I was thinking. I thought of the genius plan.

What's that?

I invite her to my opening. She comes. She sees how huge I am. She's mine.

That's very sweet.

You know me, baby.

- This is nice. - Thank you.

It's pretty.

- Would you drink my spit? - Come on!

Can you take your weird survey somewhere else, please?

Answer.

I'll answer your question...

but this is the last time I'll talk about it.

The last time. Forever.

You swear?

What do you mean?

Mother Theresa and the missionaries drink the lepers spit.

I wondered if you'd drink mine.

How would we actually do it? You would just...

I'd open my mouth and you'd spit in there, or what?

Would you spit in a cup and I'd drink it?

No, no, I'd be like...

I'd pucker my lips and I'd gather my spit in my lips like this.

Then you'd kiss me and suck it up.

- I wouldn't be interested. - Really?

- You don't love me enough? - Of course I love you.

- You don't want to kiss me? - I'd make out with you right now.

I just don't want to drink your spit.

When people kiss a lot, they basically drink each other's spit.

But that's different. That's involuntary spit exchange.

- I have a date tomorrow. - What?

- I have a date. - With who?

A really cute idiot savant guy I met.

He started talking to you?

- Where? On the street? - In a coffee shop.

You liked him?

You had to because of the pact.

I told you it'd work out.

I love this life! I love it!

- Hi. - Hi.

Thanks for walking me home.

Please, it was my pleasure. I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, it was fun.

- Give me a call next week or whatever. - I'd like that.

May I use your bathroom?

Sure. It's...

the door behind you.

Tell me about your date.

He was nice. A perfect gentleman.

He took me to dinner and dessert and capuccino and...

then he walked me home and...

And then he...

He went into the bathroom and didn't come out for a very long time.

He went into the bathroom and...

he didn't come out for a long time.

Like how long? How long was he in there? An hour?

Like, 20 minutes maybe.

Really.

Go ahead. Come on. Go ahead.

It was nothing. It was just strange.

What happened in our bathroom last night? Did you hear noises?

He just went to the bathroom, that's all. It just seemed odd to me.

He went to the bathroom?

Yes, that's all. See? Just weird.

What, number two?

I don't want to talk about this!

Wait.

He took some stanky shit in our bathroom?

Is that what you mean? That man took you out to dinner...

bought you a capuccino and walked you home, perfect gentleman...

went into our house, into our bathroom, stayed there an hour...

taking a foul-smelling shit and then just left?

That is so disgusting. I can't believe that.

God! What is that?

I mean, what is that about? Was he, like, trying to leave his mark?

God.

You seeing him again?

You probably would.

You'll see that guy. You're probably going to him now.

ROSES Are red, Violets Are Blue

Oh, Jane, how the hell will I getyou to my opening

Will you send me away

Will you kiss me and stop me

From jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge

I've wanted to meet you for such a long time now!

- I don't put menu. - You don't?

- What is this, then, sir? - I don't know.

You don't know what this is?

You don't?

That's menu! That's menu!

No, no, not menu, no.

All right, go ahead. Fine!

What? Don't wave at me.

I'm in another league here.

I'm in another league.

What are you doing?

Run normal!

This would be the path where normal people run!

The weird triathlete training complex is somewhere else! Okay!

Run normal here!

Get off my path! Get off it!

Oh, pretty fast.

Run around the block?

Don't you think I could run that fast if I ran around the fucking block?

Why don't you try running 15 miles? See how fast you run that!

Suntan lotion! Got to look good for the big date tonight!

Get off! I'll shoot you in the face if you don't stop now!

Get off of me, you maniac!

- Got to look sexy for the girl! - Get out of here!

Got to look good for the big date tonight, kids! Suntan lotion!

- How are you? - I'm beautiful, how're you?

I'd like to buy suntan products.

SP factor?

- Excuse me? - SP factor?

No, that's okay. I'll just have suntan lotion.

What sun protection factor?

Oh, sun protection factor. "SP," sun protection.

Yes.

- What do you suggest? - For you?

- Thirty. - Thirty.

Give me a four. Actually, better yet, give me...

that deep tanning tropical oil.

- That's only two. - Excellent.

At least get sunblock for your nose.

Whatever it is you think you're doing, do it away from me.

Why can't we just love each other?

We have to be there in half an hour or we'll be late.

- I'm not going. - Please, come on, will you just...

Let me see. Lift your chin.

Five years I wait to meetJane.

Five years.

Let me see. I'll tell you if you should worry.

No.

Just lift your face. We must go.

Let me see.

It's not bad. I barely see anything.

- Come on. - It's minimal.

You barely...

The white ring I mean!

I know, and it's nothing.

No one's even going to notice it. It's fine.

No one'll notice that?

Doesn't it look weird?

It'll be fine. Let's go. You have to get dressed still.

You'll look great. Don't worry.

- What about makeup? - No, do not put makeup on.

You'll look great. Leave it alone. Get dressed, let's go.

Thanks, Lucy.

Just be a sec.

How am I going to explain she's in every one of my paintings?

She's going to think I'm a freaky Peeping Tom freak man.

Only you can see that, okay?

You can't see my girlfriendJane in that painting there?

In that painting? Or that?

Not in that one.

Jane kissing God. Jane and the elephants.

The big loveJane. You can't see that?

You see her face there, her clothes?

She has clothes?

Great.

Good, fine. Good. No one can see. Only me. Good.

- What's wrong with you? - This is dumb.

Relax. Interview loves it, and I think the Voice does too.

- Whatever. - It's over 50% sold, Joe.

Whatever, Rene, the girl's not coming. It's just dumb.

- This one I'm going to buy. - Really?

I think it sums up the historical sexual struggle so completely...

that it's inspiring.

So you would consider yourself...

"Limp Cock Man"?

Yeah. Proudly.

Oh, God.

Excuse me.

Where isJoe MacGonaughgill?

- You're... - Jane.

Yeah, I know. I mean, Jane, I know.

I know lots ofJanes.

Well, I don't know lots ofJanes, but...

I have one...

good friend namedJane.

That's nice.

You really are pretty.

Thank you. Thanks.

You look fantastic.

Your dress is pretty.

I thinkJoe is...

There he is.

Good.

Joe... this isJane.

Jane Lindquist.

Joe MacGonaughgill.

It's good to meet you.

- I see you met Lucy. - We met over there.

I have herpes. I mean...

not downstairs.

I just get very...

violent...

herpetic outbreaks on my mouth.

I wanted to look especially nice for the opening.

So today I did a little tanning thing.

So I put this sunblock on my mouth especially so I wouldn't get...

any cold sores.

I didn't get any cold sores.

I did get a white ring around my mouth.

I didn't notice it.

Here's the thing. See, I'm aware...

that you find me extremely attractive.

There's a heat. There's a thing.

I know this might be sort of eating into that moment a bit.

Into that thing... But I want you to know...

it will go away soon...

and I'll go back to being...

the incredibly dashing...

handsome...

you know, Newman-Brandoesque, you know, looking...

guy.

Excuse me.

I'm Bwick.

I've been watching you. I know you see me, us, together tonight.

Don't think. I want to go out now with you all around the city. Just us.

I want to paint you, innocent...

us out joyful, good...

pleasant...

deep.

He's Bwick Elias. He's a painter. You paint, right?

I...

art.

You'll be all right. He's harmless.

So, then, I guess that...

Bwick and I are just...

Out.

- Night and light. - Asphalt.

Lighting.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Lucy.

Listen...

MacKnockadick.

Excuse me?

McKnickknack.

McDicktrick.

McDicktrick?

MacGonaughgill.

MacDonaughgill.

Joe MacGonaughgill.

You have a...

art show.

Good, great, thanks so much.

I love your paintings.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.

Are you involved with anyone?

Yes.

Who?

Him.

Really?

He does have quite a limp dick.

But he gives the best damn head ever.

- Good. - That's not good.

Ring the bell, make a wish.

Twenty more bucks and I get a room and dinner tonight.

But, please, anything'll do. Your wish'll still come true. Here.

You want to try it?

That's the way to do it.

Hey, it worked! Thanks for everything!

Taxi!

So, how was it?

My imagined ideals...

were like...

insignificant bits of nothingness compared to the magnificence...

which was her beauty.

I am completely in love with her.

She is God's woman.

And He has...

He has given her to me.

That sounds great.

You should be happy.

You think?

Yeah, because she's not a fantasy anymore to you.

She's a real woman.

She's a perfect...

real woman.

Come on.

That's nice.

By the way...

what was up with you leaving with...

Bwick Elias?

I don't know. He's funny. He's an idiot, but funny.

I sort of like dating. I'm getting it.

What I do is sit back...

and watch as strange men...

try to impress you in weird and stupid ways...

and then you just pick the least disgusting one.

You better pick one of those least disgusting guys in...

the next 13 days.

You just worry about closing your own deal.

Listen...

if we get the school, which we will...

but not weird boyfriends and girlfriends, must we jump?

Good night, Joe.

Can I get specifics on Bwick, please?

See you.

No, I told you everything. That's not fair, you dog!

You were brilliant tonight.

- I hate you. - Sweet dreams.

No, wait...

- Was I okay tonight? - You were the best.

- Really? - Good night.

- I was? I really? - Go to sleep.

Come on, was I okay? Really?

I love you. Good night. See you in the morning.

Good night.

Night-night.

Good night, moon.

- What? - Good night, moon.

Good night, moonie.

Good night, fish.

Good night, spoon.

Hello?

Yes, I am Joe. Joe MacGonaughgill.

It'sJane.

We met last night atyour opening.

Hello. Hello.

Hi, Jane.

- How's it going? - Great.

What're you doing?

Just hanging out.

Listen, can I ask you a question?

Would you like to have dinner?

I'd love to.

Really?

Okay, great.

- I'll just give you a call. - Why don'tyoujust do that?

- Bye - Bye

Yes!

- I'm dating my new girlfriend. - Bullshit.

I got a date with her.

You're a hero. Piss off.

Why can't you be happy for me?

- Why can't you be happy? - Piss off!

- I'll be down soon. - Wait.

What?

Bwick Elias, Lucy.

You know, the painter.

He's nice. We talked. He wants to call you.

I'd like to call.

Unfortunately, he was too overwhelmed...

with sadness by your untimely departure last night...

and he couldn't get your number.

Too overwhelmed with sadness by your untimely departure last night.

But stalking me was apparently well within your comfort zone.

I made this for you.

You could have it.

Or we could trade.

Little birdie for your number.

Thank you.

555-6745. Cellular.

Little child speaks what we dare not say.

I dare for you not to have me call you.

I dare you!

Which one?

I think I like this. I like this. This is nice.

- It's pretty. - I like it on you.

It doesn't really matter because he won't call.

If you shut up, he'd call.

- And if I don't? - He won't.

Look. If I wear these with it, do you think it's too dark?

I like it.

Hi, Bwick.

Is she free tonight? Yes, she is.

I guess I'll wear this tonight...

on my date, because...

he called me.

And down, slowly...

slowly...

lower, lower.

Good. Good.

Saturation. Saturation.

And, vanquish!

Vanquish!

Vanquish! Good!

Rotate right.

Rotate right, slowly.

Attitude adjustment.

Good. And stab!

Drop! Door!

Water.

It's open!

I must go. Bye.

You brought a shrubbery.

I was at...

the flower store and...

roses seemed boring.

So you brought me a shrubbery.

I wouldn't' really call it a shrubbery. It's a ficus.

It's a rare and exotic plant.

- How wonderfully '80s of you. - Fine, we'll kill it.

No, no! Don't!

Don't!

I love it!

I love it!

- You sure? - It's beautiful.

We'll put it in my dentist's office.

Stop!

I've never done this in front of anyone before.

I haven't felt comfortable enough.

Red.

Purple!

I hate this!

Purple all around! Smears!

Smear of red!

Red!

Position three!

Now!

Up, go...

knees down!

Sugar?

Yeah, two please.

What are you smiling about?

Nothing.

I'm just happy to be here.

I find it really hard to concentrate around you.

I'm so into you.

Do you find it hard to concentrate around me?

Now and then?

It's symbolic.

Life...

equals love...

which actually equals death. Life equals death.

It's symbolic?

Symbolic death?

Symbols of life...

and death and love.

Life equals death, which is in the middle...

The subset is love which is really what the symbol is: love.

Life equals love equals death. It's symbolic.

Wait.

The woman with "life" painted on her...

area...

and she's stabbing to death...

a man with a knife that says "love" on it.

Then in big letters it says:

"Life equals love equals death."

That's not very symbolic.

It's kind of spelled out.

So...

it sucks.

Hans!

No, it doesn't suck, it's just that it's not really...

You know, it's a literal painting. It's not symbolic.

Which is fine. It's literal.

Right. Just literally sucks.

No.

No, you're right. It just symbolically sucks.

Certainly isn't very literal anymore, is it?

It's symbolic.

Do you believe in...

a big love?

Is that a serious question?

Look...

when I was 16...

I was in love with a guy, William.

I was completely absorbed by him.

I felt like I had no sense of autonomy, no sense of being.

I almost didn't exist without him.

I couldn't sleep, eat. I couldn't do anything unless he was around.

It was like I was just the same person.

And I thought that was being madly in love...

or "the big love" as you'd say.

I read an article recently...

about how overrated this sense of falling in love is.

People just seem to think it's all that initial thing.

The flowers, the explosions and...

that excitement you see when you see someone.

And then what?

No one knows how to maintain that.

That's what the big love is.

The capacity to reinvent the relationship...

expand and maintain the feeling.

And not feel that if you don't have it, then it's not working.

You walk out and find it elsewhere.

No, that big love you're talking about, I think...

that's just for lovers.

So...

you have some...

feelings on this issue.

Deep-seated feelings.

I need to tell you, you went crazy earlier.

Sometimes I feel things, Lucy.

What you feel, I treat.

Do you feel that?

Maybe.

Flesh...

is symbolic.

Love...

is flesh.

And flesh...

equals...

symbolic.

Our paintings...

and our fingers...

equals symbolic...

flesh.

All right, one kiss but that's all.

So...

you don't think someone could see someone from afar...

fall hopelessly in love with them and live happily ever after?

"One looks everywhere for something to lean on.

One is charmed by the hope of having found it.

Turns out to be a dream in which the harsh facts...

are scattered with the rude awakening."

Who said that? Cher?

Marie Ann Du Daffand.

She's a writer.

You really are funny.

Do you know what you are?

You're a girl who stands...

zero chance...

of ever being kissed...

by any other man.

That's what you are.

How's that girlfriend ofyours? The one you have all those...

passive-aggressive voyeuristic fantasies about?

With all due respect, I'd rather not hear your opinion.

You should let him help you.

He gets paid a lot to help people.

That's okay.

Wasn't there something you needed to discuss?

Joe, come on.

What is it?

Joe and I have been discussing, very superficially...

this idea that we...

had for...

opening a kid's school.

School for kids.

That's a fine idea, sweetheart.

If you weren't going to Harvard, then taking over the clinic, I'd help you.

No, no, of course...

You're going to Harvard and our grade school is history?

What do you suggest that I do? It's all arranged.

It can be unarranged.

You mean rearranged.

- What? - "Unarranged" isn't a word.

It can be rearranged.

You don't just rearrange a relationship. It doesn't work like that.

- Whatever. I have a date. - So do I.

Great. Five days to go, we both have dates.

But your credibility is shot. Halfway down you'd want to go back.

That's not true. I've never been more resolved.

Whatever.

You lied to me.

Oh, fuck.

It's like Mickey Rourke or someone that...

can't make it to the bed...

and must do it standing against a pillar or something.

I must put you up here like a contortionist...

and do pli? s...

and relevees...

to keep it in there and...

get it in there and...

be effective all at the same time.

I'd be happy to blow your mind but...

can we just lie down?

In a minute.

- Have you had an AIDS test? - Negative.

And you?

- Fifteen for fifteen. - You've had 15 tests?

Every four months for the last five years.

Do you shoot drugs?

Do you fuck guys?

Do you sodomize junkie prostitutes?

Without a condom?

When was the last time you had sex?

5 years ago.

Then why all the AIDS tests?

I don't want to talk about it.

What?

I need to know.

I'm embarrassed about it. Can we not talk about it?

Why all the AIDS tests?

What is it?

I masturbated.

But you can't even get it from kissing, let alone jerking off.

I don't know.

What about phone sex?

I'll have another test on Thursday.

I think we're safe then.

I cannot maneuver like this. I need to be able to deal with you properly.

We have to lie down now.

But in the kitchen.

I'll throw your sorry ass on the floor here and fuck you.

But you can't see the floor from your apartment.

I know. I always hated that I couldn't see your ankles.

Wait. What did you just say?

You can't see the floor here...

from your apartment.

You know that I've been watching you? All this time?

All these years?

You know I've watched you?

Of course. You knew that, Joe.

No, really...

I didn't.

I was watching you watching me.

I liked it.

What's the problem?

It wasn't like that.

I've been smitten. I mean...

I don't want you to be...

some fantasy.

I want you to be my girlfriend.

To be a reality.

Come on, Joe.

You never wanted that.

And if you do...

you better look at who is standing before you.

We're not reality material.

I didn't know that.

What's a cute...

smart, sexy, good-looking guy...

Why haven't you slept with a girl for the last five years?

I've been saving myself.

For who?

I guess I don't know.

See you.

Come on.

What're you doing?

Nothing.

How is everything?

It's fine. It's great.

Great.

- You? - I'm having fun.

I'm having a great time.

Obviously.

What's wrong?

- What're you wearing? - What do you mean?

What's that? You slapped some paint on...

Creative. How'd it go with Bwicky?

I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk?

- I don't like your attitude. - What happened?

Tell me. Talk.

We fingerpainted, all right?

He made me dinner, we fingerpainted and we talked!

I thought you'd be happy I had a nice time.

That we could call off this stupid death pact!

Why would we call it off?

Because, you andJane and me and Bwick.

I like him.

You like him enough to call off the pact?

No, no, excuse me. I didn't realize he was so special.

I don't understand what this is all about.

Are you andJane not getting along? Is that what this is?

What?

A fucking painter.

You're in love...

with a fucking painter.

Bwick Elias.

This is just fucking perfect. I just don't believe it.

I mean, that...

stupid...

pseudo-intellectual...

Counting Crows-headed...

"love equals life equals death"...

pop...

bullshit!

Fucking!

Fuck!

If you think that that fucking guy is coming into my house!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Your house?

Excuse me.

Your house. Sorry.

I'm out of here.

Whatever.

Hello, darling.

How are you?

I'm opening a grade school. I'm not going to Harvard.

And maybe you'll help me, maybe not; but this is really...

This is what I want to do, so I hope you'll support me.

Why do you do that?

Do what?

Chuckle when I tell you something important.

Oh, honey, that's your perception.

It's what happens.

I tell you something that's important to me...

I don't want to wait till one of us dies to get closer.

Be with kids who want to be adults instead of adults who want to be kids?

Yes, exactly.

I hope you know...

how proud of you I am.

I hope you know how proud I've always been of you.

And of how much I have always loved you.

Thank you, Daddy.

I love you too.

Really.

Listen up.

If Mopey Boy paints upside down...

does that mean you must look at the painting upside down?

Yes? No?

You think about it and we'll talk next time.

Get out of here.

I'll see you guys all next...

I'll see you soon.

What are you up to?

What're you doing?

Putting money in the piggy bank.

Why?

To earn money for our new school.

I don't want you to do that. Keep your money.

You look even more pathetic than usual.

Stop.

I'm kidding.

Jane again?

I don't care about her.

You whined about her all these years. Now you don't want her.

What an asshole.

I've been living with this girl.

This friend.

My best friend.

I'm proud of you.

Why?

You figured out the girl in your heart isn't the girl in your dreams.

Some people never figure that out.

You're Mr. Fucking Philosopher?

Is she in love with you?

No.

Not anymore. I mean, not like that.

Not like anything. I've ruined it.

I once had a girl.

I'll never forget the day she told me, "I don't love you anymore."

I never wanted to feel that way, so I never took a chance.

I stopped breathing, that's how much it hurt.

So you can sit here with me...

and not breathe the rest of your life, or you can try.

Come on, look.

Paint her a picture, give her some roses...

write her a cute note and she's yours.

Thanks.

Piss off.

EarlyJane.

Bwick Elias.

He's cute.

Sweet.

He's talented.

He makes me giggle.

He's rich.

But, come on, let's face it, he's a dick.

I mean, he's like your old boyfriend, Dick.

He's not like aJoe, he is more like a Dick.

Why would I bring upJoe now?

Joe's in love withJane.

Beautiful, lovely, tallJane.

I hateJane.

I'd like to get her in therapy, fuck her up real good.

You think?

Bingo.

25 cents, please.

NotJoe.

I think you're really neat but I don't want to see you anymore.

I'm sorry.

I want to show you something.

What do you see?

I don't know.

Immature.

Paint.

Lots of...

ugly paint.

It's a beautiful girl...

and I hope it's me.

Wait! Lucy!

I really like you.

I like you too, Bwick.

But I'm pretty sure I'm in love with someone else.

Hi. Excuse me.

We should jump out there. If we jump here, the highway might break our fall.

Out there it's just a straight shot down to the cold water.

I thought you'd break my fall.

What happened to Bwicky?

I wasn't interested.

Where'sJane?

I don't know.

I'm scared, Joe.

Me too.

What are you scared about?

What are you scared about?

I asked you first.

Are you scared because you're in love with me?

Are you scared because you're in love with me?

I asked you first.

Wait.

Don't try that hug test on me. I'm serious.

No, if you don't know after that kiss...

Doesn't this feel incestuous?

It's like when I was six...

and we'd play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with my cousins.

That's gross.

If I'd have fallen...

wouldyou have caught me?

I would have tried.

But who knows my physical capabilities...

straddling a bridge, gravity.

I'm trying to think, two plus two plus one, minus one man...

If you can free yourself from your brain for two seconds...

and allow me offyour couch...

I will take your crazy spit test.

Really?

I love you so much, Lucy.

I love you, too, Joe.