Original subtitles

I knew when I saw you

From your car

From the start I had to hear your heart race

The hardest place To get a drink in L.A.

I was late, but as fate would have it

We fell in love

I was me and now I'm us

And I don't know where to go from here

I'll brave the storm I caused.

Obviously, I would learn how to play the guitar, but

I think it's a pretty achievable thing.

You are a born entertainer.

- This is something, uh... - Oops, sorry.

This is something we would do on the side, you know,

to add to the enigmatic story that is Dave.

Just a piece of the puzzle.

I think when I do that I'd like to go by the stage name Mandemius,

and potentially I might have a British accent

if I continue to work at it and figure it out for myself.

But I might have to take dialect lessons in addition to the guitar.

Uh, how's the actual album coming along, though, guys ?

The XXL stuff just came out,

and we'd like to ride that rapper momentum.

And you killed that shit, by the way,

so could be a lot of traction.

Thank you.

They did a good job editorially with that.

Uh, the album...

How do I want to even say this ?

So I just want to say we do appreciate you guys very much.

- The house is phenomenal. - Great.

- Our pleasure. - So, so nice.

I don't think we have to pussyfoot around this.

Tessa's my road dog.

So here's what's going on.

Penith is a bear, um,

and I'm a gorilla.

Don't get me wrong, but what I'm finding out is that

when bears and gorillas,

you know... you can't crossbreed all the time.

I am trying to play God.

I'm realizing that might be too much hubric of me.

So I am struggling with the behemoth that is Penith.

Uh, how much of it would you say is done, though ?

- Done done ? - Yeah, done done.

- Percentage-wise. - Done done. Dun dun dun.

Um, I've got, like,

four half songs that I don't believe in at all.

So I don't even count those as a... so...

Nothing.

- Um... - Zero ?

Yeah. I do have six folk songs

that are incredible.

The wrong genre, but...

Especially since that album release date is closely approaching.

How much time, like, do you think you might need ?

Yeah, we might need to do a little bit of a nudge there, uh,

but if we're being conservative, I don't...

A year.

Daylight savings time has been really throwing me off with the darkness.

Yeah, I think we'll just focus on some housekeeping stuff then.

Housekeeping, great. I would love a housekeeper.

Right at the top of the stairs, and then another right.

Don't hit the sconce.

- Don't hit the sconce. - Okay, I'm not.

You have your own bathroom. I think you're gonna like the water pressure.

You know, David always took the longest showers.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Aw, geez, I just can't believe you got fired from that label.

Mom, I didn't get fired from a record label.

- I don't work at a record label. - No, he got evicted.

Which is much worse because it directly affects me.

It's the entertainment industry. Some people lack patience.

They don't understand what this is, fine.

The chip on my shoulder just grows larger, okay ?

What is this room, by the way ? It's like a little girl's room.

- Yeah. - It's an Airbnb.

It's so naïve.

Mama, can you make me a sandwich ?

Of course, sweetheart.

Do you want it in triangles ? You got it.

- Thanks, Mama. - You're welcome.

"Mama. Mama, will you make me some sandwiches ?

"And cut it up so my baby teeth can get through this bread, maybe ?"

- Michael ? - Yeah ?

- Would you like a sandwich ? - Yeah, please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Hey, man.

I don't think you're a failure.

I... Yeah. I don't think I'm a failure either.

Why would you-- I don't-- I didn't think you thought that.

Okay. Good.

Sorry.

I got caught on this, like, endless FaceTime with my sister.

It was a whole thing, and...

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you ? - Good.

You know, a little bit of a setback. But...

Are you having a good time living with your favorite people again ?

Uh, yeah. I feel like I'm, like, you know, reduced to my core.

I'm back, uh, finding my roots.

Just wish it could be under less embarrassing circumstances.

It's not embarrassing, Dave.

I was literally kicked out of my house for lack of productivity.

Okay, I know that you have

a very specific plan for how everything is supposed to go, and that this is

not part of that, probably.

But it's just a detour.

Yeah, just a detour.

Well, I guess

you probably don't want your, uh, housewarming gifts.

- You got me gifts ? - Yeah.

Come on. Come to my, uh, my car, where I have the gifts located.

- Come on. - Sure. I'm in pursuit.

Yeah. 100% authentic gifts.

- There's multiple ? - Yeah. And this...

What- what is this ?

What is this ? It's a headband for your hair.

Like you've always wanted. You're always like, "Aah, my hair."

- Am I saying that ? - It was custom-made for you.

- So try it on. - Okay. Huh.

Oh. Oh, my God.

- Do I look good in this ? - Stunning. You look amazing !

Is this a good look ?

You should be a professional fuckin' Halloween player for soccer.

- What ? - And... Okay, got it.

This is the big one.

- Get ready. - Ooh, I gotta get out of your way.

- Are you ready ? - Yeah.

- Did you really ? - I did.

- You have truly outdone yourself. - Yeah.

You have gotten me the worst gift a man could receive.

I mean, I can't even blow up a balloon. You know that.

I did forget that you sa-- But I also don't think that's true. Try it !

You think I li-- Now you sound like the bullies that I had to deal with

who said, "This guy can't blow up a balloon." I can't. I have a slack jaw.

Then give it to me, and I will give it to someone who can blow it.

That's unfair. I can use the gift any way I want.

Dave...

It's mine. I appreciate all these gifts.

You're welcome. You can just Venmo me.

No.

You can't blame me for every raisin that you see.

- Have you guys seen my laptop ? - We both eat raisins.

I'm not blaming you for every raisin, just these three.

Yeah, and what, do they have my name on it ?

What are you doing ?

Please get off of my laptop.

I was listening to the records that you made this past year.

No, Dave, you can't keep me in the dark anymore, man.

This is none of your business.

This is literally my only business.

At least let me try and help you.

You're not even in the right folder.

Okay, well, where do I go ?

"Penith possibilities."

"Penithposs-- "

- Possibilities. - I get it.

There's no organization to this. You're playing stuff at random.

Okay, what's- what's "Me Too" ?

- "Me Too" is a radical... - Let's hear it.

You wanna cuddle in my bed ? Me, too

Are you on board to have sex ? Me, too

Oh, you came ? Oh, me, too !

Do you use shampoo ? Me, too

Do you fuck with movies ? Me, too

Do you wanna fuck ? Oh, yeah, me, too

Ooh, respectfully.

Okay, do you know what's going on right now in the world ?

That's, like, the worst thing you could ever have thought.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Okay, what about "Jenkum" ? What is "Jenkum" ?

It's a sweet spot in my heart. Jenkum is, uh,

when you take shit and you put it in a plastic bag...

- Okay, that's enough. - And you let it ferment.

- And you huff it, and you... - I don't need to hear it.

What about "Ally's Song" ?

Is that an Israel thing ? Because if it is, we should put it out immediately.

That's in the wrong folder. It's "Ally's Song," and it's not even in...

Oh, well, then, I want to hear it.

You don't need to hear it. Please don't.

I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone with my rap verse

I could barely share a password

I said we'd dance, I left you there

I left me there, too

You had my back, I puked on you

I chased my dream so much it ran

I can't make jokes without your laugh, it seems

I'd do anything to melt you

I took you for granted I'll give you belly rubs, too

Did you like the rabbit ?

It's killing me to kill you And you were the magic

But I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone with my rap verse

You were the best at my worst

And I miss you, Ally

I'm lost without you

It's-- That's good. Dave, that's good. I mean, it's different.

It's like nothing I've ever heard you make before.

I didn't know you even did stuff like that.

It's not a Lil Dicky song. It's-- I don't...

No, because you don't mention your penis the entire time.

This is great to be different and to try new stuff.

I hear you, and I'm happy you like it,

but it's definitely not, like, the type of thing that's going on Penith.

Well, it should. It should be on the album,

because you have to show growth. And I think that's huge. And also,

it's nice to acknowledge that you're still in love with Ally.

Uh, no. People love breakup songs.

That was the impetus of that.

So I experimented in the lane, tapped into emotion-- it's not that...

I love Ally as a friend, but... there won't be a breakup song with my wife.

- I'll tell you that much. - Okay. Yeah, well...

Sounds like you've got this whole life thing figured out.

"Jenkum" it is.

Hey, honey, dinner's in 20.

All right, I'm gonna shower real quick.

- David, you don't have time. - You just said dinner was in 20.

- Please don't be late. - Okay.

- Milk or seltzer ? - Uh, seltzer's good.

You got it.

Oh, Mila.

Uh, don't run, stop running.

Don't run, don't run.

Did you get in touch with the doctor ?

I left a message. And they said he'd call me back.

And he didn't call me back.

Well, that happened yesterday, also.

I know, they don't call you back here.

- I don't understand. - Honey, you need to stay on it.

- You're late for dinner. - What, stay on the phone ?

- Or... ? - I'm 90 seconds late, Mom...

One second late for dinner is still late for dinner.

You know I had a single request. You always do this.

I mean, if I were always 90 seconds late,

wouldn't that, by definition, make me an incredibly punctual human being ?

He's good-- that's a good point.

- Give it to me, give it to me. - He's good !

- Very good, very good. What ? - Thank you.

What ? I'm just saying the guy's had a pretty rough week.

Fine, you two win.

Be late forever. Look what I made for you.

And then I just press yes or no.

And then a new, gorgeous woman comes on.

- And... yeah. - Oh, my God !

And you press this and it shows different pictures and...

Are they all in their underwear ?

Certainly not wife material.

You haven't met anyone you're interested in ?

No, nobody swept me off my feet yet.

David, you got to stop talking about being swept off your feet.

That's easy for you to say, Mom. You stumbled into perfection

in a man named Don. If I could meet a female Don, then it'd be perfect.

- That's magic, that guy. - Hang on.

We met, we were compatible and the timing was right.

That's all I want ! What do you mean ?

I want to be walking down the street and, like,

see a woman walk out of a Barnes & Noble.

David... Uncle Doug set us up

because I was fat and your dad liked fat women.

- But it wasn't magical. - What ?

We became best friends and he makes me laugh every day

and... that's, that's all I need.

Well, that sounds magical, what do you mean ?

It's a rags-to-riches story, you were overweight and Don came in,

and he dominated...

You want to watch the Schitt's Creek ?

Don, do you see that we're in the middle of a conversation ?

- Fine, I'll watch upstairs. - No, wait !

- Do not watch it without us, no. - Don't watch it without us.

This is your cousin, she wants to know why you haven't texted her.

My phone is off.

Well, turn your phone on and and text her back, Don !

All right.

- God ! - Hey. Don't be so mean to Don.

Do you know how many times I've asked him not to turn his phone off ?

He's completely incapable. It's driving me nuts.

Well, that's what you're here for. You got to take care of him.

Yeah, no kidding.

I haven't shown you the photos from Egypt.

Oh, no, you haven't, but I've heard a lot about the Gizan Air,

so I can really picture it very vividly, honestly.

- Sure. - I'm just drained right now.

That's fine, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say good night.

Oh, that's great. Sports Center is on right now.

- This is perfect timing, Mama. - Perfect.

I love you. I'll see you in the morning.

Real funny, Mama, come back here and kiss me good night on my cheek.

Are you out of your mind ? Yeah, right in the middle.

Okay, that wasn't right in the middle. Focus. It was a little off-center.

I'd like it right in the middle.

- Thanks, Mama. - You're welcome.

- I love you. - I love you.

David, you're open.

You're open. You're...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okay, I didn't see much.

- Do people buy belts ? - No.

I know I'm here for hoodies, but, like, maybe I need a belt.

No, you don't. You have a great selection.

Just pick something, don't obsess. Dad'll pay for it.

- Okay, you're leaving ? - Yes. I've got stuff to do.

- Be safe ! Be safe ! Be safe ! - Don, text me when you're done.

- Okay. - Don't die.

So this is why you retire, am I right ?

I don't know how you gave it up, Big D.

Wasn't it, like, your dream to be a lawyer forever ?

Well, I just wanted to be happy. I never cared how I got there.

You know, when you think about it, my legacy is your legacy.

At the end of the day, my success is yours.

So, like, we're gonna be covered, I hope you know that.

Yeah, okay.

You are the cutest man in the world.

Thanks.

You look like a turtle without its shell.

- And I marvel at your physical grace. - I like turtles.

Hey there, can I help you find anything ?

Oh, hi, I'm sorry, what ?

We're actually doing free makeovers if you're interested.

I'm not, I don't think I'm gonna buy anything.

Oh, it's okay. It'll only take a few minutes.

- And it is free. - Yeah ?

Yeah.

- Ah... okay. - Okay.

- You think I can pull this off ? - Oh, yeah.

Smoky eye, red lip-- I mean, it's a classic look.

All right, thank you so much. I'll think about it.

Yeah, okay.

Jesus Christ, Don.

Are you alright ?

I'm fine.

I'm... fine.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Fuck. Are you fucking kidding me ?

So I just swipe it ?

- Oh, it's a chip. - A what ?

- A chip ? - A chip.

- Insert, insert, put it in. - See, that side goes in there.

- Is this something new ? - You've never seen this before ?

Don ! What is the use of having a phone if you never turn it on ?!

What happened to your face ?

I gave you my old phone, I still can't reach you !

- Turn on your fucking phone ! - All right.

- I'll do it, all right. - It's too late, I'm leaving.

If you guys want to come with, fine, if not, Uber.

It's on now, okay ?

Okay, what is the return policy on this ?

- 900 days with a receipt. - Okay.

Thank you.

Just think back to when you guys met for the first time.

Or... can I put some music on, maybe ?

Don't change the settings. Please don't mess with it.

It's undeniable

Yeah, mm

One, you're like a dream come true

Two Just wanna be with you

Three, girl, it's plain to see

That you're the only one for me

- David, please, I have a headache. - And four...

Mama ?

Mama.

- Mama-- - Oh, God !

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- - David, what are you doing ?

- I'm sleeping. - I know, but naptime's over.

And you got to wake up. I got a surprise for you, Mama.

- What are you talking about ? - You'll see.

- If you just get up, come on. - Oh, honey...

My dear, sweet mama, I will be taking care of you.

- Close your eyes, by the way. - What ? No, no, no.

Is... No. David, is this a punk ? Am I a punk ?

I think you don't understand that phrase, but...

- Come on, Mama. - God, David, what did you do ?

- You're about to find out. - Oh, God.

- You ready ? - I don't know.

Voila, company chicken and company noodles.

I don't-- What-- ? What is, what is this about ?

Please, come on. What is this about ?

It's about you and Don's love and tapping back into it.

Come on, it's a romantic dinner.

You know, I was listening to my tapes and I saw him making it,

but I'm probably just as surprised as you are.

- A little bit of wine. - Very elegant.

Yeah, learned it from the best. I'm gonna put the fireplace on.

He's just trying to create a romantic...

No, what he's trying to do, but I was sleeping...

Oh, my God. You have sauce all over you.

- Wipe that off. - All right, all right.

Well, you know, why do you throw things at me like that ?

- Does that feel good ? - I was trying to help.

Guys, I'm not watching you guys bicker anymore.

David, we've been married for 30 years. It's normal, okay ?

Well, when you do it in front of me, it makes me sad.

Oh, for God's sake.

Grow up. You're almost 30 years old.

Stop being so selfish.

What are you talking...

How am I being selfish if I just made you your favorite dinner ?

- I don't understand. - My favorite dinner ?

- Yeah, company chicken, - Company chicken ?

- And I spent so much time. - I don't like company chicken, David.

You make it every single time company comes over.

I make it for you because you love it. I make it for you, not me.

How am I supposed to know that ? You sit there and you eat it every time.

And I still am failing to realize

how me making you a whole meal is me being selfish.

- Explain that. - Oh, my God, David !

You just woke me up. You brought me down here and did all of this.

That was not for me. That was for you.

It was for you guys.

David, that was for you, because you wanted to feel better.

I wanted to show you pictures from Egypt, but you weren't interested.

- Oh, my God. Egypt ? - You had other things to do.

You came down late for dinner. I asked you...

- I was 90 seconds late ! - You wanted to take a shower.

- Jesus Christ ! - So you were late.

Everything's a fucking issue with you !

- David, that's enough. - No, Dad. She's always riding you.

It's, like, nonstop with her.

I said enough ! Okay ? Sit down.

Okay.

Don't talk to your mother like that.

You have no idea what she does for us.

Between moving to a new city and taking on new clients,

my depression and you staying here with us,

uh, you have no idea, David. None.

Whoa, whoa. What do you mean, your depression ?

- Oh. - What does that mean ?

Well, it's- it's-- Well, sometime...

Your father has depression, David.

Since when ?

Forever.

Look, my mother was depressed, too, so maybe it's hereditary, I don't know.

- But... but... - This is--

Why would you never tell me this ?

You never asked.

Well, what ?

Dave...

Why is he crying ?

David, what is it ?

David ?

Come on.

I don't even know anything about you.

I don't even know, like, what you think about,

or what your favorite colors are, or...

I know nothing. I'm a bad son.

- No. - Yes, I am.

How could you argue with that ? What do you mean ?

I don't even know he's depressed. He's my dad.

I think your favorite food is my favorite food. I'm a fucking idiot.

I feel like if you guys died,

I wouldn't even know what to say at your funeral.

Uh, we're not... we're not gonna...

- We're not gonna die. - You can't die.

We're not dying, David.

Mine's tan.

What ?

My favorite color.

It's tan.

- No, it's not. - It is. It's tan.

You're the only person in the world whose favorite color is tan.

Well, then, I'm very special.

- Like you are. - Well, I agree, you are special.

And I'll paint my whole abdomen tan.

I'll do anything you want.

And I love you so much.

I love you, too, David.

Can I have a bite of the chicken ?

"Making mud pies, 007 ?"

Thank you. You really do that so well.

Getting better.

Come sit down.

Do you want a drink ? Oh, Accutane.

No, but I can have... I can have one.

- You can have one. - I haven't had one in so long.

- Pour it on. - It's Bachelor night. Come on.

I'm actually very excited to see what's going on with Chloe's journey.

Because she's just so mysterious, I don't know what's going on with her.

- Yeah. - You know, she's such an enema.

- Uh, enigma ? - Enigma.

- Yeah. - Enigma.

I think an enema is, like, a catheter for your ass.

Enigma, enigma, enigma, enigma.

I hate that that fucking thing makes me laugh every time, but it really does.

- I am the Chris Farley of my school. - I know.

- Okay. - Uh, hey.

Before this, can I play you a song ?

You play me a song ?

- Yeah, I have this thing, um... - Yeah.

Uh, like, I showed it to Mike earlier, and he really liked it, and I, uh...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay. Here. Yep. There.

- Those are for the ears. - Fancy.

And, uh, there's a l-- like, a lot I want to say about it to you...

- Okay. - That I will say after you listen.

Okay.

- Ready ? - Yes.

Okay.

I like the music.

I fucked the whole thing up

And there you are.

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone with my rap verse

I could barely share a password

I said we'd dance, I left you there

Oh, I left me there, too

You had my back, I puked on you

I chased my dream so much it ran

I can't make jokes without your laugh, it seems

I'd do anything to melt you I took you for granted

I'll give you belly rubs, too Did you like the rabbit ?

It's killing me to kill you

And you were the magic, but I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone with my rap verse

You were the best at my worst

And I miss you, Ally

Dave, I...

- I've just been thinking a lot... - No, Dave, I'm...

I spent a lot of time and a lot of work

to get over us.

And I've moved on.

And you're back in my life, and we're friends.

And I don't want to lose that, either, but...

I'm...

I can't.

No.

It's just a song.

This wasn't...

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

I should've, uh... clarified.

- No, you said you... - I know.

- Wanted to talk, and it's... - Yeah.

I didn't-- Sorry.

So, like, I obviously tapped into, like, feelings

and, you know, of wanting to be back with your ex.

- Right. - Right. Sorry. Uh...

And I just know that I haven't always taken your feelings into account,

like, for our whole, you know, in terms of my music.

So I just wanted you to hear that, and, um...

I want to put it on my album, and I didn't want you to be blindsided.

And I wanted your...

So, that's all that was. I'm sorry for the...

- No. I'm sorry. And thank you. - Sure.

I will say, if I'm being honest, I'm not

ready for everyone to hear this song.

I'm sorry.

I know you worked really hard on it, and it is good.

Uh, yeah, okay. Why ?

There's a lot of personal stuff in here, Dave.

- That's music. That's like-- - And there's a lot of things about me.

People know that you and I dated. It's, like, a privacy thing, and...

What people ? Like, the 15 friends that we-- I don't understand.

I don't need your Instagram fans having more of a reason to harass me also.

Instagram ? You're worried about Instagram ?

I'm sorry, but it's so hard for me to make music.

I finally have something that I like,

and you're not allowing me to do it because of Instagram ?

- That's like... - So...

You're taking my feelings into account,

unless you don't have my permission ?

And then you're gonna do whatever.

If art couldn't tap into, like, personal feelings

and, like, nuanced emotions about, like, past experiences,

like, there wouldn't be art, you know ?

Don't you know what I'm saying ?

I don't know. I mean, we can talk about it more, or not, it's just...

Whatever.

Let's just watch the show.

I'm just gonna go.