All language subtitles for Dave.S02E08.The.Burds.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

I knew when I saw you

From your car

From the start
I had to hear your heart race

The hardest place
To get a drink in L.A.

I was late,
but as fate would have it

We fell in love

I was me and now I'm us

And I don't know
where to go from here

I'll brave the storm I caused.

Obviously, I would learn
how to play the guitar, but

I think it's a pretty achievable thing.

You are a born entertainer.

- This is something, uh...
- Oops, sorry.

This is something we would do
on the side, you know,

to add to the enigmatic
story that is Dave.

Just a piece of the puzzle.

I think when I do that I'd like to
go by the stage name Mandemius,

and potentially
I might have a British accent

if I continue to work at it
and figure it out for myself.

But I might have to take dialect
lessons in addition to the guitar.

Uh, how's the actual album
coming along, though, guys ?

The XXL stuff just came out,

and we'd like to ride
that rapper momentum.

And you killed that shit,
by the way,

so could be
a lot of traction.

Thank you.

They did a good job
editorially with that.

Uh, the album...

How do I want to even say this ?

So I just want to say we do
appreciate you guys very much.

- The house is phenomenal.
- Great.

- Our pleasure.
- So, so nice.

I don't think we have
to pussyfoot around this.

Tessa's my road dog.

So here's what's going on.

Penith is a bear, um,

and I'm a gorilla.

Don't get me wrong,
but what I'm finding out is that

when bears and gorillas,

you know... you can't
crossbreed all the time.

I am trying to play God.

I'm realizing that might be
too much hubric of me.

So I am struggling
with the behemoth that is Penith.

Uh, how much of it
would you say is done, though ?

- Done done ?
- Yeah, done done.

- Percentage-wise.
- Done done. Dun dun dun.

Um, I've got, like,

four half songs
that I don't believe in at all.

So I don't even count those
as a... so...

Nothing.

- Um...
- Zero ?

Yeah.
I do have six folk songs

that are incredible.

The wrong genre, but...

Especially since that album release
date is closely approaching.

How much time, like,
do you think you might need ?

Yeah, we might need to do a
little bit of a nudge there, uh,

but if we're being conservative,
I don't...

A year.

Daylight savings time has been really
throwing me off with the darkness.

Yeah, I think we'll just focus
on some housekeeping stuff then.

Housekeeping, great.
I would love a housekeeper.

Right at the top of the stairs,
and then another right.

Don't hit the sconce.

- Don't hit the sconce.
- Okay, I'm not.

You have your own bathroom. I think
you're gonna like the water pressure.

You know, David always took
the longest showers.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Aw, geez, I just can't believe
you got fired from that label.

Mom, I didn't get fired
from a record label.

- I don't work at a record label.
- No, he got evicted.

Which is much worse
because it directly affects me.

It's the entertainment industry.
Some people lack patience.

They don't understand
what this is, fine.

The chip on my shoulder
just grows larger, okay ?

What is this room, by the way ?
It's like a little girl's room.

- Yeah.
- It's an Airbnb.

It's so naïve.

Mama, can you make me
a sandwich ?

Of course, sweetheart.

Do you want it in triangles ?
You got it.

- Thanks, Mama.
- You're welcome.

"Mama. Mama, will you make me
some sandwiches ?

"And cut it up so my baby teeth can get
through this bread, maybe ?"

- Michael ?
- Yeah ?

- Would you like a sandwich ?
- Yeah, please.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Hey, man.

I don't think you're a failure.

I... Yeah. I don't think
I'm a failure either.

Why would you-- I don't--
I didn't think you thought that.

Okay. Good.

Sorry.

I got caught on this, like, endless
FaceTime with my sister.

It was a whole thing, and...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How are you ?
- Good.

You know, a little bit
of a setback. But...

Are you having a good time living with
your favorite people again ?

Uh, yeah. I feel like I'm, like,
you know, reduced to my core.

I'm back, uh,
finding my roots.

Just wish it could be under
less embarrassing circumstances.

It's not embarrassing, Dave.

I was literally kicked out of my house
for lack of productivity.

Okay, I know that you have

a very specific plan for how everything
is supposed to go, and that this is

not part of that, probably.

But it's just a detour.

Yeah, just a detour.

Well, I guess

you probably don't want
your, uh, housewarming gifts.

- You got me gifts ?
- Yeah.

Come on. Come to my, uh, my car,
where I have the gifts located.

- Come on.
- Sure. I'm in pursuit.

Yeah. 100% authentic gifts.

- There's multiple ?
- Yeah. And this...

What- what is this ?

What is this ?
It's a headband for your hair.

Like you've always wanted.
You're always like, "Aah, my hair."

- Am I saying that ?
- It was custom-made for you.

- So try it on.
- Okay. Huh.

Oh. Oh, my God.

- Do I look good in this ?
- Stunning. You look amazing !

Is this a good look ?

You should be a professional
fuckin' Halloween player for soccer.

- What ?
- And... Okay, got it.

This is the big one.

- Get ready.
- Ooh, I gotta get out of your way.

- Are you ready ?
- Yeah.

- Did you really ?
- I did.

- You have truly outdone yourself.
- Yeah.

You have gotten me the worst gift
a man could receive.

I mean, I can't even blow up a balloon.
You know that.

I did forget that you sa-- But I also
don't think that's true. Try it !

You think I li-- Now you sound like
the bullies that I had to deal with

who said, "This guy can't blow up a
balloon." I can't. I have a slack jaw.

Then give it to me, and I will give it
to someone who can blow it.

That's unfair. I can use
the gift any way I want.

Dave...

It's mine. I appreciate
all these gifts.

You're welcome.
You can just Venmo me.

No.

You can't blame me for
every raisin that you see.

- Have you guys seen my laptop ?
- We both eat raisins.

I'm not blaming you for every raisin,
just these three.

Yeah, and what, do they
have my name on it ?

What are you doing ?

Please get off of my laptop.

I was listening to the records
that you made this past year.

No, Dave, you can't keep me
in the dark anymore, man.

This is none of your business.

This is literally
my only business.

At least let me try
and help you.

You're not even
in the right folder.

Okay, well, where do I go ?

"Penith possibilities."

"Penithposs-- "

- Possibilities.
- I get it.

There's no organization to this.
You're playing stuff at random.

Okay, what's- what's "Me Too" ?

- "Me Too" is a radical...
- Let's hear it.

You wanna cuddle
in my bed ? Me, too

Are you on board
to have sex ? Me, too

Oh, you came ?
Oh, me, too !

Do you use shampoo ?
Me, too

Do you fuck with movies ?
Me, too

Do you wanna fuck ?
Oh, yeah, me, too

Ooh, respectfully.

Okay, do you know what's going on
right now in the world ?

That's, like, the worst thing
you could ever have thought.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Okay, what about "Jenkum" ?
What is "Jenkum" ?

It's a sweet spot in my heart.
Jenkum is, uh,

when you take shit and
you put it in a plastic bag...

- Okay, that's enough.
- And you let it ferment.

- And you huff it, and you...
- I don't need to hear it.

What about "Ally's Song" ?

Is that an Israel thing ? Because if it
is, we should put it out immediately.

That's in the wrong folder. It's
"Ally's Song," and it's not even in...

Oh, well, then,
I want to hear it.

You don't need to hear it.
Please don't.

I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone
with my rap verse

I could barely share
a password

I said we'd dance,
I left you there

I left me there, too

You had my back,
I puked on you

I chased my dream
so much it ran

I can't make jokes
without your laugh, it seems

I'd do anything to melt you

I took you for granted
I'll give you belly rubs, too

Did you like the rabbit ?

It's killing me to kill you
And you were the magic

But I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone
with my rap verse

You were the best at my worst

And I miss you, Ally

I'm lost without you

It's-- That's good. Dave, that's
good. I mean, it's different.

It's like nothing I've ever heard
you make before.

I didn't know you even
did stuff like that.

It's not a Lil Dicky song.
It's-- I don't...

No, because you don't mention
your penis the entire time.

This is great to be different
and to try new stuff.

I hear you,
and I'm happy you like it,

but it's definitely not, like, the type
of thing that's going on Penith.

Well, it should.
It should be on the album,

because you have to show growth.
And I think that's huge. And also,

it's nice to acknowledge that
you're still in love with Ally.

Uh, no.
People love breakup songs.

That was the impetus of that.

So I experimented in the lane, tapped
into emotion-- it's not that...

I love Ally as a friend, but... there
won't be a breakup song with my wife.

- I'll tell you that much.
- Okay. Yeah, well...

Sounds like you've got this
whole life thing figured out.

"Jenkum" it is.

Hey, honey, dinner's in 20.

All right,
I'm gonna shower real quick.

- David, you don't have time.
- You just said dinner was in 20.

- Please don't be late.
- Okay.

- Milk or seltzer ?
- Uh, seltzer's good.

You got it.

Oh, Mila.

Uh, don't run, stop running.

Don't run, don't run.

Did you get in touch with the doctor ?

I left a message.
And they said he'd call me back.

And he didn't call me back.

Well, that happened yesterday,
also.

I know, they don't
call you back here.

- I don't understand.
- Honey, you need to stay on it.

- You're late for dinner.
- What, stay on the phone ?

- Or... ?
- I'm 90 seconds late, Mom...

One second late for dinner
is still late for dinner.

You know I had a single request.
You always do this.

I mean, if I were
always 90 seconds late,

wouldn't that, by definition, make me
an incredibly punctual human being ?

He's good-- that's a good point.

- Give it to me, give it to me.
- He's good !

- Very good, very good. What ?
- Thank you.

What ? I'm just saying the guy's
had a pretty rough week.

Fine, you two win.

Be late forever.
Look what I made for you.

And then I just press yes or no.

And then a new,
gorgeous woman comes on.

- And... yeah.
- Oh, my God !

And you press this and it shows
different pictures and...

Are they all in their underwear ?

Certainly not wife material.

You haven't met anyone
you're interested in ?

No, nobody swept me
off my feet yet.

David, you got to stop talking
about being swept off your feet.

That's easy for you to say, Mom.
You stumbled into perfection

in a man named Don. If I could meet
a female Don, then it'd be perfect.

- That's magic, that guy.
- Hang on.

We met, we were compatible
and the timing was right.

That's all I want !
What do you mean ?

I want to be walking
down the street and, like,

see a woman walk
out of a Barnes & Noble.

David... Uncle Doug set us up

because I was fat
and your dad liked fat women.

- But it wasn't magical.
- What ?

We became best friends
and he makes me laugh every day

and... that's,
that's all I need.

Well, that sounds magical,
what do you mean ?

It's a rags-to-riches story, you were
overweight and Don came in,

and he dominated...

You want to watch
the Schitt's Creek ?

Don, do you see that we're in the
middle of a conversation ?

- Fine, I'll watch upstairs.
- No, wait !

- Do not watch it without us, no.
- Don't watch it without us.

This is your cousin, she wants to know
why you haven't texted her.

My phone is off.

Well, turn your phone on and
and text her back, Don !

All right.

- God !
- Hey. Don't be so mean to Don.

Do you know how many times I've asked
him not to turn his phone off ?

He's completely incapable.
It's driving me nuts.

Well, that's what you're here for.
You got to take care of him.

Yeah, no kidding.

I haven't shown you
the photos from Egypt.

Oh, no, you haven't, but I've heard
a lot about the Gizan Air,

so I can really picture it
very vividly, honestly.

- Sure.
- I'm just drained right now.

That's fine, you know what, I'm gonna
go ahead and say good night.

Oh, that's great.
Sports Center is on right now.

- This is perfect timing, Mama.
- Perfect.

I love you.
I'll see you in the morning.

Real funny, Mama, come back here and
kiss me good night on my cheek.

Are you out of your mind ?
Yeah, right in the middle.

Okay, that wasn't right in the middle.
Focus. It was a little off-center.

I'd like it right in the middle.

- Thanks, Mama.
- You're welcome.

- I love you.
- I love you.

David, you're open.

You're open. You're...

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Okay, I didn't see much.

- Do people buy belts ?
- No.

I know I'm here for hoodies,
but, like, maybe I need a belt.

No, you don't.
You have a great selection.

Just pick something,
don't obsess. Dad'll pay for it.

- Okay, you're leaving ?
- Yes. I've got stuff to do.

- Be safe ! Be safe ! Be safe !
- Don, text me when you're done.

- Okay.
- Don't die.

So this is why you retire,
am I right ?

I don't know
how you gave it up, Big D.

Wasn't it, like, your dream
to be a lawyer forever ?

Well, I just wanted to be happy.
I never cared how I got there.

You know, when you think about it,
my legacy is your legacy.

At the end of the day,
my success is yours.

So, like, we're gonna be
covered, I hope you know that.

Yeah, okay.

You are the cutest man
in the world.

Thanks.

You look like a turtle
without its shell.

- And I marvel at your physical grace.
- I like turtles.

Hey there,
can I help you find anything ?

Oh, hi, I'm sorry, what ?

We're actually doing free
makeovers if you're interested.

I'm not, I don't think
I'm gonna buy anything.

Oh, it's okay.
It'll only take a few minutes.

- And it is free.
- Yeah ?

Yeah.

- Ah... okay.
- Okay.

- You think I can pull this off ?
- Oh, yeah.

Smoky eye, red lip-- I mean,
it's a classic look.

All right, thank you so much.
I'll think about it.

Yeah, okay.

Jesus Christ, Don.

Are you alright ?

I'm fine.

I'm... fine.

Your call has been forwarded
to an automated...

Fuck.
Are you fucking kidding me ?

So I just swipe it ?

- Oh, it's a chip.
- A what ?

- A chip ?
- A chip.

- Insert, insert, put it in.
- See, that side goes in there.

- Is this something new ?
- You've never seen this before ?

Don ! What is the use of having
a phone if you never turn it on ?!

What happened to your face ?

I gave you my old phone,
I still can't reach you !

- Turn on your fucking phone !
- All right.

- I'll do it, all right.
- It's too late, I'm leaving.

If you guys want to come with,
fine, if not, Uber.

It's on now, okay ?

Okay, what is
the return policy on this ?

- 900 days with a receipt.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Just think back to when you guys
met for the first time.

Or... can I put
some music on, maybe ?

Don't change the settings.
Please don't mess with it.

It's undeniable

Yeah, mm

One, you're
like a dream come true

Two
Just wanna be with you

Three, girl,
it's plain to see

That you're
the only one for me

- David, please, I have a headache.
- And four...

Mama ?

Mama.

- Mama--
- Oh, God !

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
- David, what are you doing ?

- I'm sleeping.
- I know, but naptime's over.

And you got to wake up.
I got a surprise for you, Mama.

- What are you talking about ?
- You'll see.

- If you just get up, come on.
- Oh, honey...

My dear, sweet mama,
I will be taking care of you.

- Close your eyes, by the way.
- What ? No, no, no.

Is... No. David, is this a punk ?
Am I a punk ?

I think you don't understand
that phrase, but...

- Come on, Mama.
- God, David, what did you do ?

- You're about to find out.
- Oh, God.

- You ready ?
- I don't know.

Voila, company chicken
and company noodles.

I don't-- What-- ? What is,
what is this about ?

Please, come on.
What is this about ?

It's about you and Don's love
and tapping back into it.

Come on, it's a romantic dinner.

You know, I was listening to my tapes
and I saw him making it,

but I'm probably
just as surprised as you are.

- A little bit of wine.
- Very elegant.

Yeah, learned it from the best.
I'm gonna put the fireplace on.

He's just trying
to create a romantic...

No, what he's trying to do,
but I was sleeping...

Oh, my God.
You have sauce all over you.

- Wipe that off.
- All right, all right.

Well, you know, why do you throw things
at me like that ?

- Does that feel good ?
- I was trying to help.

Guys, I'm not watching
you guys bicker anymore.

David, we've been married
for 30 years. It's normal, okay ?

Well, when you do it in front of me,
it makes me sad.

Oh, for God's sake.

Grow up.
You're almost 30 years old.

Stop being so selfish.

What are you talking...

How am I being selfish if I just made
you your favorite dinner ?

- I don't understand.
- My favorite dinner ?

- Yeah, company chicken,
- Company chicken ?

- And I spent so much time.
- I don't like company chicken, David.

You make it every single time
company comes over.

I make it for you because you love it.
I make it for you, not me.

How am I supposed to know that ? You
sit there and you eat it every time.

And I still am failing to realize

how me making you a whole meal
is me being selfish.

- Explain that.
- Oh, my God, David !

You just woke me up. You brought me
down here and did all of this.

That was not for me.
That was for you.

It was for you guys.

David, that was for you, because
you wanted to feel better.

I wanted to show you pictures
from Egypt, but you weren't interested.

- Oh, my God. Egypt ?
- You had other things to do.

You came down late for dinner.
I asked you...

- I was 90 seconds late !
- You wanted to take a shower.

- Jesus Christ !
- So you were late.

Everything's a fucking issue
with you !

- David, that's enough.
- No, Dad. She's always riding you.

It's, like, nonstop with her.

I said enough !
Okay ? Sit down.

Okay.

Don't talk to your mother
like that.

You have no idea
what she does for us.

Between moving to a new city
and taking on new clients,

my depression
and you staying here with us,

uh, you have no idea,
David. None.

Whoa, whoa. What do you mean,
your depression ?

- Oh.
- What does that mean ?

Well, it's- it's--
Well, sometime...

Your father has depression,
David.

Since when ?

Forever.

Look, my mother was depressed, too,
so maybe it's hereditary, I don't know.

- But... but...
- This is--

Why would you never
tell me this ?

You never asked.

Well, what ?

Dave...

Why is he crying ?

David, what is it ?

David ?

Come on.

I don't even know
anything about you.

I don't even know, like,
what you think about,

or what your
favorite colors are, or...

I know nothing.
I'm a bad son.

- No.
- Yes, I am.

How could you argue with that ?
What do you mean ?

I don't even know
he's depressed. He's my dad.

I think your favorite food is
my favorite food. I'm a fucking idiot.

I feel like if you guys died,

I wouldn't even know
what to say at your funeral.

Uh, we're not...
we're not gonna...

- We're not gonna die.
- You can't die.

We're not dying, David.

Mine's tan.

What ?

My favorite color.

It's tan.

- No, it's not.
- It is. It's tan.

You're the only person in the world
whose favorite color is tan.

Well, then, I'm very special.

- Like you are.
- Well, I agree, you are special.

And I'll paint
my whole abdomen tan.

I'll do anything you want.

And I love you so much.

I love you, too, David.

Can I have a bite
of the chicken ?

"Making mud pies, 007 ?"

Thank you.
You really do that so well.

Getting better.

Come sit down.

Do you want a drink ?
Oh, Accutane.

No, but I can have...
I can have one.

- You can have one.
- I haven't had one in so long.

- Pour it on.
- It's Bachelor night. Come on.

I'm actually very excited to see what's
going on with Chloe's journey.

Because she's just so mysterious,
I don't know what's going on with her.

- Yeah.
- You know, she's such an enema.

- Uh, enigma ?
- Enigma.

- Yeah.
- Enigma.

I think an enema is, like,
a catheter for your ass.

Enigma, enigma, enigma, enigma.

I hate that that fucking thing makes me
laugh every time, but it really does.

- I am the Chris Farley of my school.
- I know.

- Okay.
- Uh, hey.

Before this,
can I play you a song ?

You play me a song ?

- Yeah, I have this thing, um...
- Yeah.

Uh, like, I showed it to Mike earlier,
and he really liked it, and I, uh...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Here. Yep. There.

- Those are for the ears.
- Fancy.

And, uh, there's a l-- like, a lot
I want to say about it to you...

- Okay.
- That I will say after you listen.

Okay.

- Ready ?
- Yes.

Okay.

I like the music.

I fucked the whole thing up

And there you are.

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone
with my rap verse

I could barely share a password

I said we'd dance,
I left you there

Oh, I left me there, too

You had my back,
I puked on you

I chased my dream
so much it ran

I can't make jokes
without your laugh, it seems

I'd do anything to melt you
I took you for granted

I'll give you belly rubs, too
Did you like the rabbit ?

It's killing me to kill you

And you were the magic, but
I fucked the whole thing up

I did it all backwards

Now I'm all alone
with my rap verse

You were the best at my worst

And I miss you, Ally

Dave, I...

- I've just been thinking a lot...
- No, Dave, I'm...

I spent a lot of time
and a lot of work

to get over us.

And I've moved on.

And you're back in my life,
and we're friends.

And I don't want to lose that,
either, but...

I'm...

I can't.

No.

It's just a song.

This wasn't...

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

I should've, uh... clarified.

- No, you said you...
- I know.

- Wanted to talk, and it's...
- Yeah.

I didn't-- Sorry.

So, like, I obviously tapped
into, like, feelings

and, you know, of wanting
to be back with your ex.

- Right.
- Right. Sorry. Uh...

And I just know that I haven't always
taken your feelings into account,

like, for our whole, you know,
in terms of my music.

So I just wanted you
to hear that, and, um...

I want to put it on my album, and
I didn't want you to be blindsided.

And I wanted your...

So, that's all that was.
I'm sorry for the...

- No. I'm sorry. And thank you.
- Sure.

I will say,
if I'm being honest, I'm not

ready
for everyone to hear this song.

I'm sorry.

I know you worked really hard
on it, and it is good.

Uh, yeah, okay.
Why ?

There's a lot of personal stuff
in here, Dave.

- That's music. That's like--
- And there's a lot of things about me.

People know that you and I dated.
It's, like, a privacy thing, and...

What people ? Like, the 15 friends that
we-- I don't understand.

I don't need your Instagram fans having
more of a reason to harass me also.

Instagram ?
You're worried about Instagram ?

I'm sorry, but it's so hard
for me to make music.

I finally have something
that I like,

and you're not allowing me
to do it because of Instagram ?

- That's like...
- So...

You're taking my feelings
into account,

unless you don't have
my permission ?

And then you're gonna do
whatever.

If art couldn't tap into,
like, personal feelings

and, like, nuanced emotions
about, like, past experiences,

like, there wouldn't be art,
you know ?

Don't you know what I'm saying ?

I don't know. I mean, we can talk about
it more, or not, it's just...

Whatever.

Let's just watch the show.

I'm just gonna go.