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Kareem Abdul Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

These hooks got me scoring See me coming from afar

Kareem Abdul Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

This is my lane Let me show ya how to ball

- Oh, my God ! - No, it's okay.

I'm just peeing sitting down. No poop. How's your back ?

Uh-oh, it's turning into something different. I need a little privacy.

- Sorry. - Fuck.

- What are we doing, hospital corners ? - No.

- What's your process ? - I got it.

- Just a little like this. - All right.

- Did you sleep okay ? - I was like Rumpelstiltskin.

Are you kiddin' ? It was great. Slept like a baby under a rock.

- Here, I got it. I got it. - All right, I'll let you tend to...

Oh, my God, Monchichi !

It's been so long since I've seen you. What ?

Yeah, Mama's been doing drugs.

- Oxys, I think. Maybe Speed. - Dave, I... I've got to go to work.

- Is there anything else you need ? - I'm just talking to Monchichi.

- Oh, whoa. What are you doing here ? - I slept on the couch.

No funny business. I was just tending to her back issue.

- I see. - No.

There's nothing to see.

- I see. - Okay.

Hey, how would you feel about hanging out more intentionally ?

Say, tomorrow night ?

I... You know what ? Tomorrow I actually have a thing.

I got a work, work thing.

My Instagram stalking has showed me that you now teach seventh graders.

Do you find yourself working more

because they have a higher level of consciousness ?

No. No. It's just that tomorrow after school

I'm hosting this fundraising event for the kids.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah.

They cut the funding for the arts program.

- And I'm trying to save it. - Not cool.

Talk your shit, girl.

- Five-- - And I... I gotta go. Bye.

Okay. I'd love to hear more. What about Thursday ?

Maybe. Maybe.

Okay, I'll text you. I'll get in your calendar.

- Okay, say bye to Monchichi. - Bye. Bye.

Well, you deserve a proper goodbye.

Okay, for real, though. Did you guys hook up ?

No. I actually vomited on her.

- I don't even want to know more. - You know everything. I just told you.

Okay.

- Kareem heard your song. - Huh ? What song ? Who's Kareem ?

Are you serious, Dave ? Kareem Abdul- Jabber heard Kareem Abdul-Jabber.

- No, he didn't. - Yeah. His manager just emailed me.

Wow ! It's been out for a year and a half. He's hearing it now ?

He's seventy-three, Dave.

Kareem the Dream ? The leading scorer in NBA history ?

- That's the guy. - Sitting over there listening to LD ?

Wait till he hears your debut album, Penith, if you ever write it.

Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna love it. Man, the piss is just,

it's shooting out of my dick right now with this new information.

Good job, Mike. Way to... I don't know if you did anything, but good job.

- I did. - Aw, man ! Unbelievable.

Yeah, he wants to meet you today.

What is with this doorknob ? He wants to meet me today ?

- Yeah, today. - That's... Ah ! What a dream !

The man made of silk ? And me ?

What are we gonna do ? This is unbelie-

I'm gonna touch his head and kiss... I might kiss his face.

- I got to piss so fucking... - Don't touch or kiss him, Dave.

What's with the bathroom door ? It's not opening.

Turn the knob. Try turning it the other way.

- Can you fix this ? - I'm not the handyman, Dave.

Look, I'm running errands all day, so I'll figure it out.

I'm gonna go outside and piss on an anthill and watch them all burn.

- Okay. - Kareem !

Bruh, why the fuck you got us eating this American food, bro ?

I was just at this Ethiopian spot the other day. That shit was fire, nigga.

I'm telling you super fire, bro.

A nd I just found out that it's 2013 in Ethiopia, bro.

What, what does that... What do you... No, they're... It's now in Ethiopia.

Man, you got to respect it, bro. They doing they own thing over there.

Why are we...

I don't know what you're talking about, but we're eating at this place,

because my clients wanted to meet me here, so...

Your clients ? How you fuck you got new clients, bro ?

You ain't even check my music out yet.

I'm posting my shit all in the comments. Tweeting at reality shows.

I know. Gata, it slid on my desk. I didn't even go looking for it.

It just happened to be.

Oh, wow, so you just mogul'ing up out here. You on your boss shit, huh ?

- True. - Attention, attention, everyone.

This establishment is being shut down immediately.

All right, we found out they're serving horse meat. All right ?

God, please don't eat that. Thank you.

We're gonna get this all checked out. We're gonna analyze it.

- Nothing to worry about. - Horse meat ?

- What the hell is going on ? - These sandwiches right here.

- Right here, everybody... - Stop. Listen. I'm losing business !

- What are you doing ! - Horse meat.

You are ruining my life !

- Bro ! Bro, it's a prank ! - Yo, it's a prank, bro !

It's a prank, dude ! Got him !

Dude, it's all fake. Yo, Mike ! Yo !

Dude, we got him, bro. What's up, Mike ?

Very good, guys.

These are the Stone Twins. These are my clients. They're huge on TikTok.

- Yo, how'd it look ? - It looked good.

I'm gonna have to get some signatures, because right ?

Yeah. Yeah. So, you mean to tell me y'all fuck with people for a living,

put it on the Internet and get paid ?

Yeah, it's our main thing, but we also do challenges and dances.

Oh, that's some White people shit, for real.

- I respect the game y'all got going. - Thanks, man.

- Gata's Lil Dicky's hype man. - Bro, he's a fucking legend.

- That's why we signed with Mike. - Oh, yeah, that's cool.

But I'm not just a hype man, though. I really be rappin', doing my shit, too.

Oh, that's so fire. Yo, let us shout you out on IG real quick.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get y'all on my shit, too.

Ah, dude, we're gonna boost you up, bro. Let's go.

- Hey, I'm already... - Yo, we all here with our boy, Gata.

He's Lil Dicky's hype man.

Dude's got bars, bro. Bars for...

My God, that's... Barack Obama gave you this thing. Didn't he ? This is...

That's a real MVP trophy. How many MVPs have you won ?

- Six. - Six ?

- That's right. - Geez Louise. You still hoop ?

No.

Man, look at these shorts. They're so tight.

Like, aren't things flying and flopping around ? And, I mean, the goggles...

Can I offer you something to drink ?

I'd love a tall drink of water. You know where I can find one ?

Just messin' around.

This is from the era when guys were going around dribbling like this,

you know, and they're just, like... You got Cousy running around, and...

I feel like there were Jewish men in the league back then.

Hey, how do you go about picking a Muslim name ?

Like, how... What ? Is it... Like, What is that process ?

- Let's go sit down. - Yeah. All right.

-Wow, what a foyer. Or "foy- yay." - Oh, thanks.

Yeah. What do you even do all day ?

Well, these days I spend a lot of time writing. Please, have a seat.

Players' Tribune ? I'm talking to them about doing a cartoon with Rajon Rondo.

That's a crazy name. Rajon Rondo. I wonder if he's, uh...

No, I actually write about social issues.

I'd love to write about you and your song.

Hold on a minute, I'm gonna go get some tea.

Okay.

Social issues ?

A Decade of Racial Progress but at a Glacial Pace...

By Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...

"Race. Privilege. Lena Dunham?"

Is this the same Kareem ? How does he write all these articles ?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna record this conversation.

- Oh, is this an interview ? - Yeah.

Okay. What do you want to discuss ?

I'd like to know what your inspiration was

for superimposing your face on my body.

Sure. And just so you know, it's not just my face.

It's not just my facial skin. It was my whole skull and cranial.

It was so... it's not...

it's not...

blackface.

What would you call it ? Black-body ?

Maybe. I... It's Kareem-body.

You know ? Your body is a sanctum. It's, it's, uh... It's so storied,

and so it's more an homage to your ph-

Your physical being, not anything racial.

Kareem-body.

And by the way, I am so down to admit that looking back,

maybe not the best decision, you know ?

You should know I made it a year and a half ago,

and back then I wasn't a racist,

but I certainly wasn't nearly as anti-racist as I am today. With...

Um, so, but it was, you know, uh... By the way, this...

You didn't say "on the record" ever, I hope you know.

So, none of this is permissible.

There are sanctions.

- I would hate to-- - Strictly speaking...

Unless someone says it's off the record, it's on the record.

Can I say something off the record real quick ?

- Yeah. - I'm high.

I didn't know that this was gonna be this at all, and I kind of you know,

mentally treated this like going to a IMAX or, like... I was so excited.

And I'm working on that, having to smoke for joy.

I would never even call it a shtick. There's a lot more

of a conversation to be had.

I'm very vacuumized right now.

Tons of nuance to this whole thing. And I used to read the Harry Potter books.

Never watched a documentary. Here's the thing...

Have you ever heard of Babylon ?

Tomorrow. What are you doing ?

'Cause maybe we spend the day together, and I'll show you the real me,

and you can write a full-on profile on me. No one's ever done that.

If you're available.

Okay. I was just gonna write a blurb on you about my name in your song.

But if you want to do a deep dive, that's fine.

That'll give me a chance to dig deeper. Cool.

That's great.

Hope you like Jews.

I'm saying, I just don't get it. I...

Like, you eat sugar for every single meal and you weigh 125 pounds.

- And you're... And you're cut. - Right.

You have an eight-pack. Gross. I have a one-pack for the rest of my life.

That's true. What the fuck ?

Be careful, man. There's eggs in there.

You ain't gonna believe this, bro.

I got an audition for Rhythm and Flow, dawg.

Are they rebooting the Terrence Howard pimp movie ?

This has nothing to do with pimpin', simpin' and limpin', bro.

This is way bigger than that. Ten times bigger than that.

This is American Idol for rappers, dawg.

Like, you don't understand how big this is for me.

Honestly, I'm proud of you, man. That's... God's at work, huh ?

Bro, don't bring God in this. I'm blessed.

Hey, remember I'm gonna be on Rhythm and Flow.

You're gonna be on Rhythm and Flow. I've got it locked in.

Oh, Gata, Gata, the knob is broken. I gotta get it fixed today, so...

Man, don't worry about it, Mike. I got a migo at the car shop.

I'm-a get it fixed. He got all the tools. Woo !

Wonderful. Perfect.

That's fine. That's okay.

That's fine. Oh, here's one.

"If being attracted to 17-year-old girls is illegal,

then send me straight to Azkaban."

Delete that. Oh, my God. You tweeted that at some point ?

I'm just saying you can tell when a 17-year-old girl is destined to be hot.

- Blah, blah, blah. Don't. - What does that even mean ?

Mike, how the fuck do you send me to this guy's house high,

having no idea it's a fucking interview ?

We can have a deeper conversation about that at another time,

because I myself am very high now.

I just need to show this guy that I'm a good person.

You could just be a good person.

I am a good person. What do you mean ? Of course, I'm a good person.

He's just not around me enough to understand my added value, socially.

Did you really tweet "Can nonbinary people fuck themselves ?"

Yeah. It's a brilliant tweet. What's wrong with that tweet ?

Do you even know what nonbinary means ?

I understand what it means. Like, they can fuck them.

If you don't understand, I don't know what to tell you. And it's brilliant.

And I'm a good person. But I will delete it

because I'm being scrutinized by a seven-foot-three man made of silk.

I don't know how I'm gonna spend an entire day with Kareem

without saying something crazy. It's not possible.

I don't know how you'll last an hour, to be honest.

- That's what I'm saying. - No. You guys shut up.

You won the hearts of many people that should have hated you so many times.

Like who ?

I'm sorry. I'm very high. I was rambling.

But this is gonna be a good press opportunity.

I'm gonna get fucking crucified.

- Hey. - Hey, Dave. What's up ?

Just enjoying the weather. The climate is, uh...

- It's awesome out here, isn't it ? - Surviving today. Yeah.

Although, obviously, politically and, um, meteorologically,

it's been a challenge.

And will continue to be a challenge.

- Thank you for meeting me here. - Not a problem.

- Let me get, uh... - On the record.

- Yes. We're on the record. - Yes. Okay.

- That's how it has to be. - That's okay.

Okay. So, look, Dave, hip-hop is a very crowded space these days.

- Yeah. - What do you bring to the table ?

Great question.

I am me. You know ?

I'm my unapologetic self at all times,

and I think that's very clear when you listen to my music,

that I'm very authentic.

Well, you know, you speak with a blaccent in your music,

but you don't sound anything like that right now.

I'm unfamiliar with the phrase blaccent. Um, I'm not offended by it.

I just think that, if I was really rapping exactly how I'm talking,

I'd be the only one that sounded that way, and it'd look like I was you know,

making fun of everyone else in the rap community, being like,

"Here's how I rap, and I'm going to get a java."

So, let me get this straight.

You're more concerned with offending the hip-hop community

than you are the general public ?

No. I like I'm very causal. I'm very causal.

I... G.H., for example.

- G.H. ? - Genital herpes.

Um, 'cause I'm trying to destigmatize it. There's a... There's a huge stigma.

One in six people have it, and it's like people act like, if you have it,

it's the worst thing ever.

And we don't hook up with people and we make 'em feel like leopards.

It's like chicken pox. Do we go up to kids with chicken pox and say,

"Get out of here, I'm not gonna suck you" ?

I'm very...

Advocate... Of all things.

My mom sends me a summary of the current events,

because CNN dot com, the format is just unbearable.

I don't know how people read that website. Get better art direction.

And wifebeater. What an antiquated phrase that is.

It's like calling a sweatshirt a rapist, no ?

Goddamn it.

I'm sorry about that, Kareem. I would've ordered us a bigger car,

but, until Uber's unionized, I can't even consider something like that.

- Drives me nuts. - It's claustrophobic, man.

I don't like being in a place where it's too small.

I hear you. Completely.

Maybe, on the way back, you could lie flat across the back.

I don't know if the windows being cracked helps or...

Hey, would you mind giving me a hand ?

- What ? - Yeah. Just, I just...

Yeah. I know we were in the middle of something, but,

just, something I've been doing lately in terms of raising

funds and money for the community.

If you want to roll in there, we could surprise these kids.

No, actually, I, I have some phone calls I have to make.

- You don't want to come in ? - I really got to make these calls.

Okay. If you're worried about them swarming you,

they're more of an Anthony Davis community.

Hi, Melanie. How you doing ?

- Yeah. Exactly. I'll be back in a few minutes.

I wonder what your thoughts are.

And I know fundraising

is never easy, but we live in L.A. !

And while that has its quirks it also has tons of wealthy people. Right ?

But seriously, if anybody you know who works in the arts or in music we can...

Hello, everybody !

Here comes the man with the funding in his hand for the arts program, art...

Arts ?

Let's get in on that pizza, everybody !

- Where are the kids ? - What are you doing here ?

Hi. There's pizza ? Is there buffalo chicken pizza here ?

I don't think a bank will accept one of these,

so I do have a very legitimate, real check right here. There you go.

I ca- Dave, I can't accept that. I'm not... This whole thing...

Why ? It's my pleasure. For the kids.

- For the kids. - Thank you.

Sure. I've actually left out the most important detail.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is outside right now, in my car.

He's writing a profile on me.

If I brought him in, I'm pretty sure that everyone's pockets would--

So you're doing this because someone is writing an article about you ?

- That makes sense. - No. I, I'm doing it for you.

No, I, I didn't ask for this. I'm... I am unhappy that you did this.

All I was trying to do is show a supportive gesture of friendship.

Dave, the other night, when you came over,

that was the first time we've seen each other in four months.

I would not qualify us as friends.

We should be. We should be friends. I don't understand.

How long are we gonna not talk ? Forever ?

Can't we just not f-fuck and, like... And matter to each other ? Like...

If you took sex out of our relationship,

it doesn't just become friendship all of a sudden. Okay ?

It would be me being your human emotional support animal.

I didn't realize sex was so impactful in terms of...

- Oh, my God. - I'm just kidding.

Okay, Al, I did not mean to have this conversation right now.

I didn't mean to do this at your work. I am sorry for that.

What if you came over after work and we just talked about ever--

No. No. We're not gonna talk because you want to talk.

This is all of the same shit all over again.

You're so self-centered, still.

This is exactly why, even when I, when I loved you,

I did not like you.

Okay.

Noted.

Hey. What's up, y'all ?

- Davionte Ganter ? - Damn. Yeah. That's me.

All right. Welcome to the Rhythm and Flow auditions.

We're just gonna get you on tape for the judges.

All right, look. Check this out. Look.

Hey, yo, I'm far from good I'm more close to perfect

They around the corner and I'm around the Earth

- Kid-- - Great. Great.

As you know, R and F is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

So, the audition process is a little different.

We're gonna give you a couple words, we just want you to freestyle for us.

- Like... All right, freestyle. Cool. - Yeah, you know.

- Gluten free. - All right.

My guy Gluten just got out He free

What does he really need from me

Probably some advice

To live life Everybody want to know me

Next topic: android.

Android. A'ight.

My guy Android just got out Hopefully, he can get a job

He working on a plan

to change his life 'Cause he trying to...

Damn. Y'all got me making...

Using words that don't even fit my profile.

Man, I don't even look like I'll even use these words, but...

Y'all got another word, man ?

- Got him ! - Oh, man.

- Come on. What the fuck ? - Gata ! Got pranked !

Wait. It's y'all two ?

How are you so bad at freestyling, though ? You said you really do this.

Y'all think I'm a fucking joke ?

- Bro, it's gonna get views, man. - Bro, it's a prank.

Fuck them views, nigga. What about my emotions, nigga ?

- Man, fuck all that, bro. - Man, watch out, bro. Just chill out.

- Hey. - Shit, dude.

- It's funny, bro. - It's just a prank.

Man, prank these nuts, nigga.

It's a prank.

Waste my fucking time.

Okay. Um, just a couple more questions.

Sure.

Are you okay ?

Just write whatever you want about me.

I, I can't be this person for that, and that person for this person.

It's... I am who I am, so just call it how you see it.

Do you think you're a good person ?

Honestly, my biggest fear is that I'm not.

I have this constant vision where I'm dead,

and I'm floating up to heaven or whatever, and I get there,

and God's laughing at me, and he's like,

"Is that what you thought the point of life was ?"

Because I know that I'm so singularly focused on this.

Chasing my legacy type of thing, and being this great artist and all that,

but it's obviously, that's not what life is about.

But, at the same time, if I don't give my all into being that.

I'll never be that, and I'll never figure out my album.

And I also see these DMs from kids, and they're like,

"Hey, Lil Dicky, I'm depressed, and when I listen to your music,

I'm a little less. And thank you for that."

That really happens. And that's what the point of life is, right ?

To do good. And I feel like the bigger I get, the more good I can do, so,

it's by my logic, the way that I can do the most good on Earth

is by becoming the biggest artist in the world, you know ?

So I have to be selfish.

It's my destiny or whatever.

Dave, that's the most creative excuse for being narcissistic I've ever heard.

That's pretty good, though.

- Thanks. Well, I'm happy you liked it. -You're funny, boy, I'll tell you that.

- - I appreciate that. I gotta use the restroom. Where ?

It's over there.

Mike, where the fuck you at, bro ?

Mike, you got some explaining to do, motherfucker !

- Whoa. - Mike, where you at ?

Mike, you red-headed pussy, where the fuck you at ? Mike ?

- Mike, where you at, bro ? - Gata. Gata. Chill.

- Man, you fucking played me, dawg. - Kareem is here ! Relax.

- We supposed to be boys, man. - Relax. Relax. Relax !

- How you gonna prank me like that ? - Kareem is here. Chill out.

- Come on. I trusted you, bro. - Gata, relax. Gata, I had no idea !

- Keep your voices down. - Nigga, catch the fade, bro.

I didn't know they were gonna prank you. They never fucking told me, bro.

Hey, Dave ?

Is there something wrong with your door ?

Hey, Dave, come on, man ! I don't like being in a small space like this !

Man, fuck all that, bro ! This nigga's a buster, man.

Relax. I had no idea. I'm just their manager. They don't tell me anything.

- You're just whose manager ? - You didn't even tell him.

No, I didn't, 'cause I didn't have a chance to. I- I'm...

- They're just TikTok stars... - He got a new client, bro.

It's a side project. It's not like you're making music anyway.

It's not gonna impact our business at all.

What do you mean, it's not gonna affect it ? Maybe if you weren't on TikTok,

I would have known Kareem was a fucking journal.

Is that door not fixed ?

First of all, Gata said he could fix the door. I asked him.

- Kareem, you having trouble in there ? - What's going on with the door ?

- Yeah, it's this knob thing. - Well, is the lock broken or what ?

Try twisting it.

Let me out of here, man !

Kareem, don't worry about it. How the fuck did you not fix this door ?

He said he knew someone that could fix the fucking door !

- I work for Dave, not for you. - Kareem, I just gonna ram in there.

So back up, Kareem. I asked one person to fix the fucking door.

- What's going on, bro ? - Let me out.

A real man ain't gonna walk away. Stay here and talk about this shit, man.

When you say you're gonna do something...

You're the one that said you're gonna fix the fucking door.

Trying to do shit with that knife, bro. Put that fucking knife down.

- Hey, Ally. - What the fuck is happening ?

Kareem, I have a knife, and I'm gonna jimmy the door.

Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! Oh, my God !

Stop ! You're gonna hurt him ! Get out the way.

My machine ! My machine !

Oh, God !

Oh, God.

It's okay. We're gonna call the ambulance.

I kicked the pressure from the door.

- It snapped open, then there was... - Blood.

A lot of blood.

I don't know if he'll, like...

There's no way he's gonna die. Right ? There's no way he gonna die ?

Let's go !

Yo, we got Gata. We got our boy Gata in here. We got a good prank for you guys.

- Swipe up. Swipe up and watch this. - Comment down below.

How good did we get him ?

These followers can't be real. This shit nuts, bro. Damn.

Hey, y'all, swipe up on this video, man.

I just got pranked by the Stone Twins.

Make sure y'all tap in, swipe up, share the video.

Hi.

- You forgot to sign the check, so... - Oh. Okay. Sorry.

How do I even... ? So tricky when it's not a big--

Oh. Thank you. I will avoid your wound.

- So, you're still just as mad at me ? - Yeah.

Okay.

But it's not just that. I'm...

I really wasn't ready to see you the other night,

so, I am upset at myself for letting you in, but that's my...

- Are you, you... You're done, right ? - Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I was just intensely listening to... Here you go.

But that's my stuff,

and I took it out on you, and I was mean, and I'm sorry for that.

Totally forgiven. Don't even...

- But you can't ambush me like that. - No, I can't.

Like, the other day or today. Like...

I agree. I'm sorry. That was... I really am sorry.

'Cause, listen, if we're gonna be friends, it...

it's not gonna be this only-on-Dave's-terms thing.

- No, throw that. - Okay ? It's a new...

- New regime. - New regime.

- You're the queen of that regime. - Yeah.

I will do whatever you say, honestly, to make this friendship work.

- Dave, this is five thousand dollars. - Oh, yeah. I tweaked the check. Um...

Are you trying to buy my friendship ?

Yeah, I was, and it worked.

- It's for the kids, so happy to. - Thank you. No. Seriously.

Hey, I'm just gonna deal with this real quick.

- Is he gonna be okay ? - I don't know.

I thought he was made of silk, but it's more like uncooked pasta.

- Okay. - Careful.

Guys need a hand ? No ?

Kareem, I am so sorry that this happened.

I know the article's the last thing on your mind, but if you need me to-

- Hey, I'm not writing an article. - No ?

You are not.

I'm not... ?

Hey, man, get, get me out of here.

Get me out of here, man.

I'm not ?

Doors !

No article.