Original subtitles

Dave, we don't have time.

Slow down, come be with me...

Okay, I've got everything you need right here.

You're the best...

Dave, how much longer are you gonna be doing this?

So long, I can't stop...

- Dave. - Do it with me.

I'm leaving.

Have it your way I know I'm late

-But it's okay... - No.

We don't have time to wait...

- We're gonna have the best time... - Dave, you have to change.

Do you remember when you got all mad 'Cause I threw out that flyer?

That was not a flyer. I told you.

- Yes, it was - No, it was a save the date

It's the same thing, it's gonna end up on a fridge either way...

Fine.

This weekend You're gonna dance with me

Yes, of course, I love you But we really got to go right now

Fine, it was fun while it lasted.

I got to export this. That was high art. Oh, my God.

- Great work. - Yeah. Okay. We got to go.

Can I use this on my album as an interlude?

-Hi, I'm Dave -I'm Lil Dicky

-Hi, I'm Dave -Who's Dave?

Hi, I'm Dave.

"If there was one word I would use to describe my big sister,

"it would be hilarious."

"When I wanted to invite Anthony Turner to my eighth grade dance,

Julie was all, 'But, Ally, how will he dance?'"

Because Anthony Turner had actually...

He broke both of his legs in a really bad skiing accident.

But I guess people don't... Should I say that at the beginning

or at the end of the joke?

I thought you were giving the speech, and now you're talking... I'm like...

I don't know when the fourth wall broke,

when you started talking to me, it's all very...

I'm asking if you think it's, if that's... people are gonna laugh.

I don't know, I wouldn't make fun of a kid for being crippled

or whatever you just spoke about.

I don't know how I'm expected to give an even okay maid of honor speech,

when I have no idea why I'm the maid of honor.

- We're not even friends. - Use that. Start with that. That's raw.

There's, like, emotion there. There's, like, earnestness.

There's a real, you know, zeal.

No matter what I do, my family's gonna judge it.

You know both of my parents are Libras? Both of them.

I never understand why people say "don't judge me."

We human beings judge. That's, like, our total predisposition.

That's how we select. Or not "select," but...

Mike.

- Hey, man. - Hi, Mike.

Yes, hi, Ally. Whatever. Dave, heads up.

Jim Moreno from Random Gem called,

and he says they're gonna have a deal memo by the end of the day.

All right. And that... What does that mean? Like, you know, for real.

Dude, it is a precontract, right?

It's establishing a relationship with you as an artist

without getting fully into a contract.

I love it when you talk dirty.

It's the best thing that's come across our desk so far.

- What the f... - Hello?

Whatever.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, Dave. It's a little bunny. - Man down.

Oh, my God.

Fuck! He's still alive. His little foot is twitching.

- Very sad. - Dave...

- What? - We can't leave him. He's suffering.

We got to call a vet or something, right?

Do you think there's, like, a vet nearby, or...?

I don't know where vets are. And, no.

Vets don't apply to vermin. This thing's wild.

- This is a free-range rabbit. - Oh, my God.

I don't think you can call a vet

when you don't have ownership of the creature.

He's in pain, Dave.

He looks like he's... Yeah, it looks... I think he's fucking dying.

- Okay, well, we have to kill it. - What?

It's suffering. It's slowly dying.

- We got to put him out of his misery. - You want me to kill it?

What do you want me to do? Stomp its head?

I'm not gonna kill this thing.

You got to get back in the car and then run him over.

Again? You want me to run it over twice? I'm not Suge Knight.

-Run him over, but directly. -How is that better for him?

Direct? He's fucking... I nailed him.

- No, you didn't! Or else he'd be dead! - I did.

Put yourself in his shoes.

You want to be lying in the middle of the road, bleeding, dying?

This thing isn't wearing shoes, Al! This is vermin.

Dave! It's a living thing and it's suffering. You have to kill it.

You have to cut more this way.

- Left? - You have to go on my right.

Dave, you have to go more right. You're not gonna...

I'm not a precision fucking driver. Stop yelling.

Dave, you just have to hit the fucking bunny.

No. Dave! You just got its ears! My God!

- It's screaming. - Dave, just... do it again.

Move out of the way.

Suck it in, if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn

Make a desperate move, or else you'll win

And then begin to see what you're doing to me

This MTV is not for free, it's so PC, it's killing me

So desperately I sing to thee of love, sure...

- This is a great Airbnb. - Here comes my stress headache.

Why? It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna blow them away like I always do.

Yeah. Nothing blows parents away like,

"Here's my boyfriend. He's an aspiring rapper."

There they are.

Please, look at this man. Your dad wants to fuck me.

- The weary travelers. - Hi, Dad.

You guys made some great time.

Yeah. Waze is very accurate.

Allison, you're getting skinny again.

- You hungry? - I'm starving.

Come on in. We'll get you something.

- You bet. Come on. - Thanks.

- How was your drive? - Easy.

A little bit of an obstacle, but... You here to help me out, muscle man?

- Hi. - Oh, my God!

- You look so pretty. - Hi.

Hi. Okay. I just lotioned my hands.

I don't want to get it on your little romper.

That's why you smell so nice.

No, this is unscented. That's just my natural smell.

- Okay. Let's go. Come on. - Do you have any Advil?

Jules, you know just as well as I do, that's such a straw man argument.

The guy got four consecutive life sentences.

I completely disagree with you. You know it's far more nuanced than that.

- It's not. - Yes, it is. It is.

Let me ask you lawyers this while I have you here.

Why do they even give people multiple life sentences?

Is the government really implying that reincarnation is a possibility?

That can't be right,

because then it's a total separation of church and state violation

by the government.

Nobody's saying that, and it's far more complicated.

- More complicated? - More complicated.

- Than reincarnation? - More complicated.

- How's school going, Al? - Really great.

The kids just put on a play about global warming that went really well.

- It was great. I was there. - It was a really big project for me.

I'm surprised they let you delve into such political topics.

It's not a-a political issue. It's, like, a... human issue.

- It has pulp. You can't... - What?

Do you think you can shake the pulp out of it?

Isn't that... The shake... No? You can't?

I thought it disintegrates if you shake it.

No.

So, Dave, last time you were here, you were an ad man.

- The dog days. Am I right, Terry? - That's right.

David, please tell me. How's this whole "rap" thing going?

No need for quotes anymore. It's actually completely legitimate

and borderline unbelievably successful.

- No way. - Yeah, no. It's kind of absurd.

Every single one of my songs

has millions and millions of streams across platforms.

Yeah. So many different labels are courting me left and right,

trying to throw so much money at me.

I was just in the studio last week with Justin Bieber.

- What? - What?

- Justin Bieber? - Justin Bieber, yeah.

It's not a huge deal, but it's certainly something that we should talk about.

I'm so proud of you.

You know what a good metaphor is?

You know how when a snake sheds its skin

and gets that fresh layer of epidermis? That's where I'm at.

I'm in that transitional phase. And I'm shedding my skin

and this new layer of skin has so much sheen.

- Sheen. Like, yeah, shiny. - Just gloss.

- That's beautiful. - Dave, you certainly have confidence.

I know. If only he could share some with Ally.

- I know. - What does that mean?

I just meant you have so much potential. I wish sometimes you would...

use it on some kids who might remember you, that's all.

I remember my kindergarten teacher. And I love my job.

I teach the future. Which is a big deal in some people's minds.

I don't remember my kindergarten teacher, but I do like my job, though.

So, Dave, are you diversifying your revenue streams?

Like, that rapper, the one that's part owner of the Nets.

- Jay-Z. - Jay-Z. Like Jay-Z?

He's the one that's married to Beyoncé. I love her. She's so beautiful.

I'm working on a few different things.

I need water. Excuse me.

I'm actually, I'm trying to get in the condiment space.

You know, different sauces. Food goes in and out of style. Sauce...

- He's so fun. - He is fun.

I wanted to talk to you.

Don't worry about giving Chloe any money for my bachelorette,

because honestly, you didn't even get a chance to go.

No, but I'm... of course I'm still gonna help pay for it.

No, I know. It's just... It wasn't cheap,

so I don't want you to get stressed out, or...

No, but as a gift, I should...

How about you get us something off the registry? Something small.

- Something small? Perfect. - Okay. Great. Perfect.

That's the one where George Clooney's the fox, right?

No.Breaking Bad is a TV show. It's about meth.

- You're thinking ofFantastic Mr. Fox. - Yeah, that's right.

David, you're not gonna try my carrots? I got them at the farmers market.

No, that is a nonstarter for Dave. He doesn't eat fruits or vegetables.

But I'll say this. I feel like you guys are embracing me right now,

and I'm willing to try my first carrot.

Do it, man.

I'll try the typical orange Bugs Bunny one. Why does it look like a witch?

Do I take the tail off, or you eat the tail?

- Yeah, eat the whole thing. - Yeah.

A little more. Yeah.

- It's good, right? Yeah? - He did it.

- Can I spit it out or no? - No, Dave.

Your mother never made you eat vegetables?

She said it wasn't worth ruining her own life.

Makes sense.

And then she said, "You can just get something small off of the registry."

Like, do you not remember the $90 olive oil decanter

that we got for your engagement?

Do you not decant your olive oil every night, Julie?

Are you listening?

I'm almost done with my 15 minutes of daily fan interaction.

There are so many comments lately about me being "hot."

When did I make the transition from cute to hot?

Is there a moment you can point to?

Are you gonna be like this all weekend, or...

My bad, they've been working me late at the Hot Guy Factory;

I can't even remember how to think.

What's going on? Julie's being mean to you, or something?

I'm sorry that's happening, but it is her wedding weekend.

You kind of have to let it go.

I'm letting it go. I'm telling you about it.

Enough is enough! You need to shut your yap!

What?

Do you want to work on your speech?

- I should, but I don't want to. - Okay.

- Let me just inspect you for a second. - No. I don't want an inspection.

Can we finish season two of Handmaid's Tale?

I feel like I've had enough woman-on-woman abuse for one day.

- I see. - Sorry.

- I know what you want. - Oh, yeah, what do I want?

You want me to get in the nooks and the crevices.

- I hate when you say "crevices." - You want me to get in the nooks?

I don't like "nooks," either.

I'm picking up what you're putting down.

And just so you know, I'm ready. Start it off. Get the ball rolling, I'm ready.

Do something to me.

I'm sensing all the cues, I'm picking it up. Fuck me.

- My parents are in the next room. - Just fuck me.

You can fuck me quick. Really?

You're parents aren't listening, A; B, we can do it very quietly.

- I require very little friction. - That doesn't sound like fun to me.

You know I can ejaculate hands-free?

- I did not know that. - You know what that means?

Nope.

That means that I can literally lie down, think...

push my innards out,

and in the right circumstance, I will cream.

Sounds like you don't need me then, for your Bluetooth orgasm.

It's not the preferred method, but... I guess I'll take what I'm given.

- I'm not gonna do it right now. - Okay. I wasn't worried.

- I'm gonna let the cream brew. - Okay.

This is a really good deal, Dave.

- I think we should take it. - I don't know, man.

200 grand for my whole catalog and my first album?

Yes, Dave, that's how deals work, okay?

And just to be clear, dude, they're offering you $200,000

for two songs about your penis and your first album, okay?

I can't believe we're having a conversation about this right now.

I need you to turn over a few more stones. Get it to the ideal place, okay?

Okay, bud.

I'll keep turning over stones. You got it.

Turn it over. Good morning, my little cherub.

Are you ready to hike?

This is a required activity?

- Dave... - I'm just joking.

My whole family is going. This is a whole thing.

Then, I'd better saddle on up, 'cause I got a hike to hike.

Okay, thank you.

Is this the type of thing where I could potentially hop on a horse?

Or maybe even, like, ride a yak?

- Jesus Christ. - What is wrong now?

There's terrible footing out here, and I lost my step.

This hike is so robust, and I'm very close to being out of water, so...

Okay, Dave, it's a hike. So you can get a grip.

Fuck hikes. I'm saying it right now.

Fuck hikes. That's actually an interesting song title.

"Fuck Hikes."

Fuck hikes, fuck hikes They really hurt my back

Wait, fuck hikes, huh, fuck hikes I'd rather ride a yak.

You know it sounds like you're saying,

"Fuck Jews," right? But, like, worse?

How am I saying "fuck Jews"? Fuck hikes.

"Fuck kikes"? Oh, my God. Controversy sells, so, you know...

I got to write this down. Got to write... I got to write it down.

What are you talking about? I got to write this down.

I get one good idea every three months.

Okay, if you're feeling creative, can we talk about my speech?

So now you want to brainstorm on the hike?

Of course, let's... where you at with it? Let's talk about it.

- I got nothing. - Really? No progress been made, okay.

Think back to your childhood. What did you guys do?

Where did you go as a group?

I don't know. My parents would bring us to, circuses and random shows and stuff.

- Wait. I do have something. I do. - We do.

Dave, we did it, I'm so happy!

- And I could tie it in as a cool... - I'm sorry.

- Just... - What is wrong?

I have to poop. Please don't say another word for a second.

You have to poop?

Yes. Please stop talking to me for one second.

Okay, can we walk it off?

I don't believe so, no. This is not a drill at all.

Please turn away or something. I need to figure this out.

- You have to hold it in. - You can't erase the past.

If you can make your innards come, you can make 'em stay. Let's go.

I'm not a fucking scientist, man.

- What? - There's honestly no time.

Can I shit right here?

No, you can't shit right here, Dave. Grow up, and let's go!

- It's the fucking carrots! - Dave, you had one bite of a carrot.

- You're not fucking exploding! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look away!

No, no!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.

No!

Okay.

I reinvented diarrhea.

Thank you.

I had an interesting thought for your speech.

- Really? - What if you, like, twisted...

Excuse me. I'm such a huge fan of yours.

Your music always puts a smile on my face. Any way we can flick up?

- Sure, yeah. - Awesome. Thanks, man.

- Let's flick up. - Can you take it for us?

Yeah.

Thanks, puddin'.

Horizontal, please.

The man has preferences.

Thanks so much. You smoke? I'd love to burn you down, brother.

Yeah, I like the way you think.

- Any interest in smoking after this? - No.

- Not tonight. - It's all good.

Really, really appreciate everything you do, man.

I appreciate the way you guys make Shirley Temples here. Great ratio.

- Sorry. I am getting mobbed tonight. - What was the speech idea?

You said, the beginning of the speech, I should...

Yeah, I know. Let me get back to it. I have the worst memory. I forgot it.

I'll get it back. Hold on, let me...

What was it? It was about the...

Hold on. Hang on. This is Mike about the thing. I got to...

Geez, Louise.

This entire thing is...

- Where you going? - I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

- Let me inspect you. What do... - It's...

- Is it something I did? Tell me. - I mean...

You haven't been here all weekend, Dave.

You're thinking about other stuff.

-It's like... -Thinking about other stuff?

Yeah. You're thinking about this record label or songs about hikes, and I'm...

- It's tiring. I'm tired. - How can I not...

I don't want to take pictures of you, okay?

I want to be in pictures with you.

Okay, let's go up there, kick that guy's ass, and flick up together.

No, I'm not joking. I'm not making a joke, Dave. I'm being serious.

- All right. I'm sorry. - You're not present. Okay?

And I'm not just talking about here.

Like, you're never present, and I need you to be present with me.

- Really, I'm never present? - You're...

I'm just never present? That seems like a big blanket statement.

I know that I have so much going on right now,

but, like, I have to be thinking about this stuff

and be thinking ahead at all times with the music...

Right, okay, do you ever think ahead about us?

About me and you?

- Yeah. - Yeah, of course. What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean? Like, you...

Are you asking... Do you want to marry me or something?

- Like, what are we doing? - No, I'm not asking you to marry me.

I'm not on one knee right now. I'm...

Okay, so, like, please... give me clarity.

I don't know what you mean, speak to me with clarity.

I want to be in a relationship where I'm not always put second.

You're not always put second.

- I'm... - Look right now, look where we are!

I have the biggest decision to make of my whole career this weekend.

Has to be made this weekend. I'm here with you and your family,

didn't even consider staying back.

Mike's like, "Why the fuck are you not there?"

- I'm not saying... -What do you want me to do?

De-prioritize my dreams?

Just so you don't feel bad every now and then?

- That'd be kind of crazy. - It's not crazy.

It is not crazy to want your boyfriend to be emotionally present with you.

And I know that you are an undeniable superstar, or whatever,

but it's kind of turning you into a shitty boyfriend.

Okay, listen to how you're saying that, 'cause you're a shitty girlfriend

for using my own self-belief against me in an argument.

You have no idea what it's like to be dating a narcissist.

It is so draining.

It's not narcissism when it's real, okay?

- Do you hear yourself?! - I do!

I know it's not, but you don't realize how high the stakes are for me.

Thank God I believe in myself the way that I do,

or I'd never get anything done!

Because you treat it like it's your whole life!

There has to be something else in life besides this one...

Something else in life?!

Something more than, like, actualizing my sense of self

and feeling like I'm maximizing my potential?!

You're asking me to sacrifice that?! That's fucking absurd!

Dave, you don't get it!

No, you don't get it, and I can't keep apologizing for my ambition

just 'cause you don't have any.

Listen, just...

Okay, everyone look at me, and squish together. One, two... smile.

- Perfect. - All right.

- Good, we done? - Yeah.

What are you doing next?

Yo. Give me a sec.

I'm really not ready to make this decision right now, dude.

Dave, their responses are getting not good, okay?

And they're gonna pull the deal, which I got up to 250, by the way, all right?

Dude, this is the best possible scenario that we're gonna see.

You need to move on it.

There are so many horror stories of people that sign to labels

and lose creative control. You know that's true.

I do know that and we've talked about this with them, remember?

They're not gonna step on your toes.

Dave, they like your song "My Dick Sucks."

Like, come on, man, they know who they're signing, dude.

If you want this to be your career, you got to start making money doing it.

That's the only way to succeed. You're waiting for a perfect moment.

This is it, dude. Like, this is it right now.

I need more time.

If you don't sign the deal, they're gonna pull it, all right?

And then we have to start this whole fucking thing over again.

These people get you. You like them, dude.

Sign the deal! Sign the deal, Dave.

- It's that easy. - I got to go.

I got to go right now, I got to go, bye.

I'm Ally, Julie's sister.

And as sisters, Julie and I competed for everything.

The slice of pizza with the most pepperoni on it,

our Harry Potter books, our parents' attention, of course.

And when Julie and I competed, she always won.

Because Julie is one of the most ambitious people I know.

When she wants something, she works for it tirelessly

until inevitably she gets it.

It's a personality trait I can't seem to get away from.

I want to tell a quick story.

When we were little, our parents brought us to a magic show.

And the magician needed a volunteer, so, of course, he picked Julie.

And she went onstage. The magician counted to three and poof!

Julie was gone.

And in her place was this cute little bunny.

And everyone clapped and it was great.

Then Julie came back, and I played it cool for maybe ten seconds

before I had to know where did she go?

What's the secret? Just tell me.

But all she would say was, "Ally, I got turned into a bunny."

- Do you remember this? - Yeah.

Of course she does.

'Cause to this day, all she'll say about it is, "I got turned into a bunny."

Which has always made me really angry.

Because, honestly, I want to know. I still want to know.

But then this weekend... I realized something about magic.

And honesty. And love.

The magic behind magic, isn't the illusion.

It's that someone cared enough to create the illusion for you.

The real magic is all of the work

that goes into making somebody believe that magic is real.

So... what I thought for years was you messing with me...

was really just your way of preserving the magic for me.

And, Nick, she will do the same for you.

Because you mean the world to her.

And if there is anything on this earth that she could do to make you happy,

she will work for it tirelessly

until she inevitably gets it for you.

And that's what makes her so special,

is that she uses her ambition

to work just as hard in her relationship as she does at her career.

And I didn't realize until this weekend how much that mattered.

But it's... everything.

Love...

Sorry.

Love is just like magic.

Two people build a world for themselves

and preserve it at all costs together.

And I am so excited to see the magic that you two create for each other.

To Julie and Nick.

To Julie and Nick.

So long, I can't stop

- Dave. -Do this with me

- I'm leaving. -Have it your way

I know I'm late But it's okay

No, we don't have time to wait?

- We're gonna have the best time - Dave, you have to change.

Do you remember when you got all mad

'Cause I threw out that flyer?

That was not a flyer. I told you.

- Yes, it was - No, it was a save the date

It's the same thing, it's gonna end up on a fridge either way

Fine.

This weekend You're gonna dance with me

Yes, of course, I love you But we really got to go right now

All right, well, this was fun while it lasted.