Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Larry: YOU SEE? YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

SEE, LOOK AT THAT. IT JUMPS AND THEN IT FREEZES.

- IT'S FRUSTRATING. - IT'S VERY FRUSTRATING.

- I'M MISSING ALL MY SHOWS-- "LOST." - OH, LAST WEEK--

YOU KNOW THAT GUY THEY KILLED OFF THE PREVIOUS WEEK?

ALL RIGHT, DON'T TELL ME. I DON'T WANNA KNOW.

HE'S NOT DEAD, HE'S BACK. HE CAME BACK.

- I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME. - SHOCKING.

- ARE YOU NUTS? - ONE OF MY TOP FIVE EPISODES OF ALL TIME.

BY THE WAY, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP LAST THURSDAY?

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN CALL. - WE HAD A LOT OF APPOINTMENTS LAST THURSDAY.

- SO WHAT ABOUT THE TV? - WELL, I DON'T THINK IT'S YOUR TIVO.

IT'S PROBABLY THE SATELLITE,

- BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A LOOK. - SATELLITE? OKAY.

( phone ringing )

YOU KNOW, IT JUST GETS A LITTLE FRUSTRATING.

EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN AND WATCH IT, IT'S NOT WORKING.

- HELLO? - LARRY!

- Oh, hey, honey. - OH MY GOD.

HONEY, YOU COULDN'T CALL AT A WORSE TIME.

- I GOT THE TIVO GUY HERE. - OH MY GOD!

- HEY, YOU GOT THE WARRANTY ON THIS THING? - Larry!

- THE WARRANTY. - OH WAIT, HOLD ON.

- WE'RE GOING THROUGH A REALLY BIG STORM RIGHT NOW. - Hold on one second.

- I NEED A WARRANTY CARD. - HONEY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU HAVE A-- DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WARRANTY CARD IS

- ON THE TIVO? - No, I-I don't.

IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME--

- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY BAD. - IS IT IN THE KITCHEN DRAWER BY ANY CHANCE?

- WHAT? - I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

- WHAT IS THAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? - DO YOU KNOW WHO

- THE GUY WAS THAT CAME OUT? - NO, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

LARRY, I JUST WANNA TELL YOU JUST IN CASE...

- I can't hear you, honey. Wait, hold on one second. - ...FOR SOME REASON

- I don't make it home... - YOU KNOW WHO THE GUY WAS WO CAME AND PUT THIS THING IN?

- YOU KNOW WHO THE GUY WAS WHO INSTALLED-- - I DON'T KNOW.

- I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME. - WAS IT TOM OR SOMETHING?

- I just want you to know-- - OR DON? SOMETHING LIKE THA?

- MAYBE BILL OR JAMES? - OH MY GOD!

I'LL COME BACK LATER THIS AFTERNOON,

- BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE REALLY BUSY. - OH NO, JEEZ.

HONEY, I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW WHAT? PLEASE.

He's gonna go. I'm never gonna get him again.

TiVo guy: It's all right.I can come back.

NO, STAY RIGHT THERE. CALL ME BACK IN 10 MINUTES, OKAY?

- WHAT? - I'm sorry, sweetheart. I love you.

- KEEP TALKING. I'LL COME BACK. - NO NO, THAT'S OKAY.

- STAY-- STAY RIGHT HERE. - LARRY!

Boy: Isn't he something, Billy?

Have you ever seen horses like him?

Man: Not quite.

HEY! TURNED IT OFF.

GUESS WHAT?

WE'RE HAVING DINNER AT PRIMO'S TONIGHT. I MADE A RESERVATION.

THAT'S YOUR HUSBAND.

I'M LEAVING.

I'M LEAVING, LARRY. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS? WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU T--

DOES THAT REALLY SURPRISE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I JUST CALLED YOU FROM AN AIRPLANE,

TELLING YOU I WAS ABOUT TO CRASH.

THE TIVO GUY WAS HERE.

I COULD BARELY HEAR WHAT YOU WERE SAYING. HE WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET THE GUY TO COME TO THE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY HARD TO GET THOSE PEOPLE HERE. IT WAS BROKEN.

- OH, REALLY? - I GOT IT FIXED FOR YOU.

- WELL, OKAY. - I SAVED ALL YOUR SHOWS.

"BAREFOOT CONTESSA," "TOP CHEF," "PROJECT RUNWAY."

I WOULDN'T LET HIM. I SAVED THOSE SHOWS FOR YOU.

WE'VE GOT THESE SHOWS RIGHT HERE.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE TIVO.

WHAT? WHAT ELSE IS IT ABOUT?

"WHAT ELSE IS IT ABOUT?"

IT'S ALL OF IT.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

IT'S ABOUT TALKING DURING SEX.

SO I TALK DURING SEX. SO WHAT?

- IT'S NOT DIRTY TALK. YOU CHITCHAT. - SO?

"WHO CAN'T TELL THAT REAL CRAB ISN'T FAKE CRAB?"

BY THE WAY, PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL REAL CRAB FROM FAKE CRAB.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE A MORON IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

- THAT'S WHAT I THINK. - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I BRING THAT UP WHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX,

THAT'S A FUN TOPIC TO DISCUSS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS, LARRY?

PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME, "HOW DO YOU STAY WITH HIM?"

AND I ALWAYS TELL THEM, "THERE'S ANOTHER SIDE TO LARRY THAT YOU DON'T SEE."

AND THEN I JUST REALIZED TODAY THERE'S NO OTHER SIDE.

- NO, THERE'S ANOTHER SIDE. - THERE'S NO OTHER SIDE!

- THIS IS IT! - THERE'S A LOT OF SIDES. I'M COMPLEX!

AFTER I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE

AND YOU HUNG UP ON ME,

I STARTED TALKING TO THE GUY NEXT TO ME

AND I REALIZED NOT EVERYBODY'S LIKE YOU.

THERE ARE NORMAL PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT HAVE CONVERSATIONS.

- OH, THE GUY NEXT TO YOU. - INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE.

AND WE HAD A VERY... SOULFUL CONVERSATION...

- THAT'S SWEET. - ...ABOUT LI-- OKAY, SEE?

- YEAH. - YEAH.

OKAY, THIS GUY. DOES HE CARRY MINTS AND A PEN AND TISSUES

AT ALL TIMES LIKE I DO, HUH?

DOES HE HAVE MINTS? HOW IS HIS BREATH?

- VERY PLEASANT. - REALLY?

- WHAT DOES HE DO? - HE OWNS AN UNDERWEAR COMPANY.

- MM-HMM, YES. - OH, AN UNDERWEAR COMPANY. WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR?

HE INVENTED--

IT DOESN'T MATTER--

UNDERWEAR THAT DOESN'T HAVE A FLY.

NO-FLY ZONE?

NO-FLY ZONE.

THAT IS THE DUMBEST COMPANY.

WHAT A STUPID-- I'VE TRIED THAT UNDERWEAR. IT IS SO IDIOTIC.

YOU HAVE TO DROP THE UNDERWEAR

- TO PEE, OKAY? - I THINK WE JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME APART.

I'M GONNA BE AT MY SISTER'S.

- DON'T DO THIS. THIS IS CRAZY, HONEY. - LARRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR? WHAT?

I LOVE YOU. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED YOU.

- I COULDN'T HEAR YOU. - I'LL BE AT BECKY'S.

YOU'RE TALKING ON AN AIRPLANE PHONE.

( people chattering )

YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA LIKE THIS.

USUALLY I DON'T LIKE THE SKIN. IT'S DELICIOUS.

I MARINATE IT AFTER I ROAST IT.

CHERYL LEFT ME.

- WHAT? - WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE LEFT YOU?

- SHE'S GONE. SHE LEFT. - REALLY?

SHE'S GONE, SHE'S OUT OF THE HOUSE.

- SUITCASE... CLOTHES. - Susie: OH, SHE'LL COME BACK.

SHE'S WITH HER SISTER. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK.

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT, SWEETIE? LET ME GET YOU SOMETHING.

- JODI, GET HIM A CHAIR, PLEASE. - OH, SURE.

- Marty: WHAT HAPPENED? - Susie: LET ME GET YOU A PLATE.

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS COMING BACK ON A PLANE, AND THERE WAS A STORM,

AND SHE CALLED ME FROM THE PLANE.

AND YOU KNOW, I HAD THE TIVO GUY IN THE HOUSE.

SO?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S SO HARD TO GET THE TIVO GUY, MAN.

THIS GUY WOULD KEEP EXCHANGING CALLS. I CAN'T GET HIM THERE.

SO HE'S FINALLY THERE, AND THE WHOLE CALL

HE'S KIND OF TALKING TO ME, GOING--

WHAT'S WITH THE SMALL PLATE?

- THAT'S THE ONLY ONE I HAD CLEAN. - WHAT?

- SUCH A TINY PLATE? - IT'S THE SAME EXACT PORTION. IT'S JUST AS--

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - IT'S WHAT MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO EAT FROM.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHERYL ON THE PLANE?

THERE WAS A LOT OF TURBULENCE. SHE WAS REALLY FRIGHTENED.

THE TIVO GUY WAS THERE. I COULDN'T REALLY TALK,

AND... I TOLD HER TO CALL ME BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

- WHAT? - OH, LARRY.

Marty: THE PLANE'S GOING DOWN,

- AND YOU SAID, "CALL ME BACK"? - YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

- YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT. - I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING DOWN!

- OKAY OKAY. ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? - I DIDN'T KNOW.

SHE'S GONNA GET OVER IT, AND IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY.

NO, SHE'S NOT GONNA GET OVER IT, BECAUSE SHE MET A GUY ON THE PLANE.

- Susie: WHAT? WHERE DID SHE MEET ANOTHER GUY? - REALLY?

- Larry: ON THE PLANE. - WHILE THE PLANE WAS GOING DOWN?

- GUY SITTING NEXT TO HER. - All: OH, NO.

Jeff: GUY SITTING NEXT TO HER.

WHAT A SCUMBAG. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF A MARRIED WOMAN WHO'S SCARED.

I FEEL TERRIBLE. I'M EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT OVER THIS.

I MEAN, I KNOW THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO NAN AND MYSELF.

- OF COURSE NOT. - BUT I WANNA SAY ONE THING.

OKAY, CHERYL'S A GREAT GIRL.

SHE'S ADORABLE, GOOD COOK,

FUN TO BE WITH.

SHE HAS A TERRIFIC BODY.

- USED TO BE AMAZING. - I REMEMBER.

- IT'S TRUE. - BUT LET ME MAKE MY POINT.

NONE OF US AT THIS TABLE EVER WOULD HAVE MET CHERYL

- IF NOT FOR LARRY DAVID. - Susie: THAT'S TRUE.

- Jeff: VERY TRUE. - I BROUGHT HER INTO YOUR LIVES.

CHERYL'S A GREAT GIRL,

BUT WE HAVE TO STICK WITH LARRY.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA TAKE SIDES NOW.

LISTEN, THIS IS A TIME THAT WE HAVE TO STAND BEHIND LARRY.

( ringing )

HEY, THAT COULD BE CHERYL.

YOU'LL GET IT LATER. WE DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE AT DINNER.

- WHAT? I'LL ANSWER IT. - NO NO NO. NO, THE PHONE IS NOT--

WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP RULE IS THAT?

- NO, WE DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. - GET THE HELL--

- WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? - YOU DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. GIVE ME THAT!

- ( groaning ) - GIVE IT TO ME!

WE DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE DURING DINNER! IT'S A RULE!

- YOU JAMMED MY THUMB. - Susie: YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

GO EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE!

OH, JESUS.

I FORGOT TO CANCEL MY RESERVATIONS AT PRIMO'S.

- I'LL USE MY CELL PHONE. - OUT IN THE HALL,

- NOT IN THE KITCHEN. - ALL RIGHT, PIPE DOWN.

( phone rings )

THANK YOU FOR CALLING PRIMO'S. THIS IS IRIS.

OH, HI, THIS IS LARRY DAVID CALLING.

OH, HI, MR. DAVID. WE HAVE YOU DOWN FOR 7:30 TONIGHT.

Oh, you know what?

I'M-- I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. MAY I ASK WHY?

WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

MY WIFE LEFT ME.

- YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU. - YEAH, MY WIFE LEFT ME.

OKAY, MR. DAVID, IN THE FUTURE,

IT WOULD BE NICE JUST TO GET A LITTLE MORE NOTICE

- when you wanna cancel a reservation. - YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

SURE I BELIEVE YOU. YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU. OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING FROM YOUR TONE THAT YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

you have to cancel. I understand.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT IT'S OUR POLICY TO GET A LITTLE MORE NOTICE.

OKAY, IN THE FUTURE, IF MY WIFE LEAVES ME,

I'LL MAKE SURE SHE DOES IT IN THE MORNING.

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

MAXWELLS?

- YOU OKAY? - WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

THAT'S SIMON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HE'S HAVING IT AT MAXWELLS?

BIG BAND, SPECIAL GUEST.

- HE'S GOING ALL OUT. - SPECIAL GUEST?

WHO GOES ALL OUT FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY? LIKE, THAT'S CRAZY.

I THOUGHT HE WAS HAVING THIS IN HIS HOUSE. YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT IS?

I LOANED HIM $10,000 LAST MONTH.

- LAST MONTH? - YEAH, HE SAID HE NEEDED THE MONEY.

HE NEEDED IT TO GIVE HIMSELF A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT MAXWELLS!

I'M PAYING FOR THIS THING.

- HEY. - HI.

I'M SORRY. I JUST CAME BY TO PICK UP A FEW MORE THINGS.

OH. OH.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE,

BECAUSE I--

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? - YEAH.

I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME

- IF IT WOULD BE OKAY. - OKAY.

I HAD TO CALL PRIMO'S

- TO CANCEL OUR RESERVATION. - YEAH.

AND THE HOSTESS ASKED ME

WHY I WAS CANCELING,

AND I TOLD HER IT WAS BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME.

MM-HMM.

BUT I DON'T THINK SHE BELIEVED ME.

SO WHAT I'D LIKE YOU TO DO

IS TO CALL THE RESTAURANT

AND JUST SORT OF, YOU KNOW,

CONFIRM MY STORY.

YOU WANT ME TO CALL A STRANGER AT A RESTAURANT

AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE?

WELL, SHE'S NOT REALLY A STRANGER. IRIS, YOU KNOW IRIS.

- THE HOSTESS. SHE WORKS THERE. - I DON'T REALLY KNOW IRIS.

YOU KNOW THE ONE. SHE'S GOT THE LONG HAIR.

I KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK I WANT TO CALL HER

AND TELL HER THAT WE'RE BREAKING UP.

YOU KNOW, SHE SAID SHE BELIEVED ME,

BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING IN HER TONE

THAT TOLD ME THAT MAYBE SHE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING THIS UP OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD GO TO THE LENGTHS

OF SAYING THAT THEIR WIFE SPLIT UP WITH THEM

- AND THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO CANCEL? - YOU WOULD.

NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT. I DON'T THINK I WOULD.

YEAH WELL, EXCUSE ME. I GOTTA ACTUALLY GET THIS STUFF.

( groans )

CHERYL, DON'T GO. COME ON.

COME ON, JUST STAY. DON'T, DON'T.

I NEED TO GO, LARRY.

WILL YOU CALL THE RESTAURANT?

( doorbell chimes )

- HEY, LARRY. - HEY, SIMON.

- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M OKAY.

- GOOD GOOD, GOOD GOOD. - YOU KNOW,

I WAS OVER AT JEFF'S,

AND I NOTICED THE INVITATION TO YOUR PARTY.

AREN'T THE INVITATIONS GREAT? I TOOK A LOT OF TIME ON THAT.

I HAD NO IDEA THE PARTY WAS GONNA BE AT MAXWELL'S

- WITH THE OPEN BAR-- - OPEN BAR.

--AND THE BAND, AND THE SPECIAL GUESTS.

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SPECIAL GUEST. YEAH.

I LOANED YOU $10,000 A MONTH AGO.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE HAVING THIS BIG PARTY FOR YOURSELF.

$10,000 HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PARTY.

- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - NO NO NO NO.

I'M NOT USING THAT MONEY FOR THAT. I'M USING THE MONEY

- FOR SOMETHING ELSE. AND I APPRECIATE IT. - I KNOW,

BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO USE THE MONEY FOR SOMETHING ELSE

IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THIS PARTY.

- YOU COULD HAVE USED THE MONEY FOR THAT. - DON'T CONNECT THE TWO,

- BECAUSE THEY-- DON'T THINK OF THEM AS-- - WELL, I SEE THEM

- AS BEING TOTALLY CONNECTED. - NO, THEY'RE NOT CONNECTED AT ALL.

NO, HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER.

( chuckles ) SIMON, YOU'RE CRAZY, YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, ALL RIGHT, SO FINE.

- YEAH. - I'LL SEE YOU AT MAXWELLS.

THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA BE SOME PARTY.

UMM, OKAY, HERE'S THE THING:

CHERYL IS GONNA BE THERE.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THAT?

I'M COMFORTABLE.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY ELSE WILL BE... COMFORTABLE.

WELL, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO--

IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, ISN'T IT, YOU KNOW?

HERE'S THE THING-- MY WIFE AND I TALKED ABOUT IT,

AND... WE CHOSE CHERYL.

BELIEVE THIS GUY?

$10,000 I LOAN HIM.

DISINVITES ME FROM THE PARTY, CHOOSING CHERYL.

I'M PAYING FOR THAT PARTY. YOU KNOW THAT? HEY, ZEV.

- HELLO, LARRY DAVID. - YOU'RE CLEANING YOUR UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS?

THAT'S ANOTHER THING-- I GOTTA GO BACK TO FLUFF AND FOLD NOW.

ALANA DIDN'T SHOW UP. YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER.

CHERYL TOOK CARE OF ALL THAT STUFF.

YOU'RE JUST LOST, AREN'T YOU?

- I'M COMPLETELY LOST. - OH MY GOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT IN MY FOYER AT HOME?

PICTURES OF ALL MY DRY CLEANERS.

HEY, XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS.

YEAH.

- DID YOU USE TO WATCH THAT SHOW? - Jeff: OF COURSE.

- YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY SEXY. - OH, MY--

WHAT THE HELL, LARRY?

Larry: OH MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY.

OH.

- Zev: WHY DID YOU DO THAT? - Larry: OH, SHIT.

- IT'S RIPPED. - SHE DOESN'T COME IN ANYMORE.

HOW AM I GONNA GET ANOTHER PICTURE?

MAN.

YOU CAN GET LUCY LAWLESS'S PICTURE, CAN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GET AHOLD OF HER AGENT

AND WE'LL FIND IT. I'LL GET IT.

OKAY, I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER PICTURE.

COULD YOU HAVE HER MAKE IT OUT TO "ZEV" THIS TIME?

- YES. OKAY. - THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

- I'M SORRY. - THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

JUST GIVE ME THE PICTURE.

- I'LL GET THE PICTURE. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Iris: PLEASE TAKE THIS COUPLE OVER TO TABLE £24.

THANKS, HAVE A NICE DINNER.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG, MAY I ASK?

OH, I'M SORRY, MR. DAVID. WE'RE JUST REALLY FULL TONIGHT.

IT SHOULD JUST BE A COUPLE MORE MINUTES.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

- DID MY WIFE CALL THE RESTAURANT? - NO.

IS THAT WHY I'M NOT GETTING A TABLE?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE MY BREAKUP STORY

- LAST NIGHT? - I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- I THINK YOU DO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - NO, WE'RE JUST FULL TONIGHT.

- WHY WOULD I MAKE THAT UP? THAT'S INSANE. - MR. DAVID,

- WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. - YOU HAVE TO BE INSANE TO MAKE UP A STORY LIKE THAT.

- OKAY. - IF I WANTED TO CANCEL A RESERVATION,

AND NEEDED AN EXCUSE, I WOULD JUST SAY I'M SICK OR SOMETHING.

PRIMO'S, THIS IS IRIS.

SURE, COME RIGHT IN.

YOU KNOW, WE DID BREAK UP. THAT'S WHY I HAD TO CANCEL THE RESERVATION.

OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.

( chuckles ) YOU TOTALLY DESERVE THAT.

YOU TOTALLY DESERVE IT. YES, YOU DO.

ON NO PLANET IS A SHOE CADDY A GOOD GIFT.

THAT'S JUST A-- WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, NO NO NO,

I GET THAT IT WAS PAYBACK, BUT--

IT'S NOT LONG DISTANCE EVEN IF IT'S IN INDIA.

SO I'M ON THE 14th HOLE, OKAY?

LLOYD, HE'S GOT THESE GREAT CUBAN CIGARS.

- WHAT? I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, MOM. - SO WE'RE SMOKING THESE CIGARS.

- I'VE GOT SOMEONE ON THE OTHER LINE. - SO I REACH DOWN

- TO TAKE A PUFF... - I CAN'T HEAR YOU. IT'S LOUD IN HERE.

- NO NO, JUST CALL THEM. - ...AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, LLOYD GOES,

- "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S MY CIGAR!" - I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- CALL THEM. - SO I WAS TRYING TO BRUSH MY TEETH WITH AN APPLE.

- IT WAS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE. - EXCUSE ME.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

- I'M TALKING TO MYSELF. - WELL, YOU'RE DOING IT REALLY LOUD.

- OH, REALLY? - YEAH YEAH.

- YOU'RE KIND OF TALKING LOUD YOURSELF. - TO A PERSON.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - I'M ACTUALLY CONVERSING WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

- OH, REALLY? - VERY DIFFERENT THAN JUST--

TO THE OUTSIDE OBSERVER, IT'S THE SAME LEVEL OF ANNOYANCE.

WELL, I NEED TO TALK TO MY FRIEND. I CAN BARELY HEAR HERE.

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE IF YOU TALK LOWER TO YOUR FRIEND,

- I'LL TALK LOWER TO MY OTHER SELF. - GREAT GREAT.

- YEAH, GOOD PLAN. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

JESUS CHRIST. I'M LITERALLY SITTING MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...

WHAT A SCHMUCK. HE'S BEEN TALKING ON HIS PHONE THE WHOLE DINNER.

...AND THIS GUY IS TALKING TO HIMSELF. HE'S STILL DOING IT.

DO YOU HEAR THAT? LISTEN, YOU HEAR THIS?

HE DOESN'T EVEN THINK HE'S BEING ANNOYING.

HE THINKS HE CAN JUST SIT THERE AND TALK OUT LOUD NOT BE ANNOYING.

DO YOU HEAR THAT? HE'S LITERALLY JUST DOING IT

- JUST TO BE ANNOYING. - HE'S BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS THE LAST 10 MINUTES.

HONESTLY, I'M DONE ANYWAY. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

- I'M PAYING. I DON'T CARE. - NO, CAN YOU HEAR HIM?

NO, HE'S STILL TALKING. WAIT, I GOT STEVE ON THE OTHER LINE.

- HE WINS, HE WINS. YEAH, YOU WIN. - HEY, STEVE...

- GOOD FOR YOU, BEING ANNOYING. - ...DO ME A FAVOR.

REMIND ME-- THESE PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST...

- WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? - OH, HEY.

- HI, JODI. - HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW? LET'S PLAY GOLF.

I CAN'T. LARRY, THE FUNKHOUSERS HAVE MADE A DECISION.

WE'RE GOING WITH CHERYL.

YEAH.

( knocks )

- OH. HI, BECKY. - OH. HI.

IS CHERYL HERE?

NO, SHE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, SO...

- YOU KNOW WHEN SHE'LL BE BACK? - NUH-UH, I DON'T,

- BUT IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU. - Larry: ALANA?

- IS THAT ALANA? - MR. LARRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WORK FOR MRS. CHERYL.

- YOU CHOSE CHERYL? - YES.

- ( door slams ) - Cheryl: HEY, BECKY?

OH, I WASN'T SURE IF YOU'D STILL BE HERE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA--

I AM, AND...

- Cheryl: HI. - HI.

THIS IS GLENN. THIS IS LARRY.

- HEY. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE HEAD OF HAIR.

OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU NEED TO CALL TED DANSON BACK.

HE WANTED TO INVITE YOU TO AN OCEANS FUNDRAISER.

OH, YEAH. OKAY, THANKS.

- YOU'LL LIKE TED. - Glenn: I LIKE THE OCEAN.

- ( laughs ) THEN IT'S PERFECT. - I'M VERY PRO-OCEAN.

- SO GLENN, HOW'S THE NO-FLY UNDERWEAR BUSINESS DOING? - GREAT.

- I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. - Larry: YEAH.

- IT'S GOING GREAT. - IS IT?

- YEAH. - YOU THINK MEN WANT AN UNDERWEAR

- THAT HAS NO FLY? - I KNOW THEY DO.

74% OF THE MEN WE TESTED GO OVER THE FENCE.

- OH, THEY DO? - YEAH, THE REST GO THROUGH THE GATE.

- WELL-- - YOU'RE NOT GIVING PEOPLE AN OPTION.

THE PENIS NEEDS AN OPTION, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

THE PENIS IS HUMAN. IT NEEDS AN OPTION.

ALL RIGHT, WELL YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

- MINT? - NO.

- TISSUE? - NO, I--

PEN?

- IS THAT GLENN WITH TWO "N"s? - IT IS, IN FACT.

Larry: YOU KNOW WHAT? I WOULDN'T CARE--

I WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE LEFT ME FOR A BALD GUY.

RIGHT.

- BUT THIS IS, LIKE, THE WORST BETRAYAL. - WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

- THICK, LIKE PRESIDENTIAL KENNEDY HAIR. - OH.

- AND HE MAKES UNDERWEAR? - YEAH, NO-FLY UNDERWEAR,

LIKE THERE'S SOME GREAT CLAMORING FOR NO-FLY UNDERWEAR.

- WHO NEEDS NO-FLY UNDERWEAR? - I KNOW.

A GUY WHO GOES INTO A STORE AND GOES, "I NEED A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.

- I GOT A VAGINA." - I KNOW.

- NO-FLY UNDERWEAR. - ( cell rings )

HELLO? HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

GREAT, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

REALLY, THANK HIM. THANKS, BYE.

HERE YOU GO.

LUCY LAWLESS.

OH. OH, YEAH.

OH, THANKS.

- LET ME CALL HER. - WHICH WATER IS MINE?

I DON'T KNOW. I TOOK ONE SIP.

I HAVE NO--

- WE'LL HAVE TO GET MORE. - WE'LL GET MORE WATER.

- "TO ZEV..." - Zev: ZEV, YES.

- "...LUCY LAWLESS." - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I NOT ONLY GET YOU THE PICTURE,

I GET YOU LUCY LAWLESS.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - Lucy: MY PLEASURE.

- WOW, YOU MAKE LOVELY "L"s. - YOU GOT MY DRY CLEANING?

TOMORROW AFTER 5:00.

- HEY, THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU TO DO THAT. - OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA BE MORE BOWLED OVER

BY YOUR PRESENCE. HE TOOK IT PRETTY CALMLY.

- PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS EXPECTING SOMEONE BIGGER. - I USED TO BE VERY INTIMIDATED

- BY THAT WARRIOR PRINCESS, I GOTTA TELL YOU. - DID YOU REALLY?

- YES. - AND NOW?

NOW THAT I SEE YOU IN PERSON,

- I ACTUALLY THINK I CAN TAKE YOU. - ( laughs )

LOOK, I'M NOT A COOL GUY OR ANYTHING, OKAY?

I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE IN 12 YEARS,

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO WASTE YOUR TIME FOR COUPLE OF HOURS.

- ( laughs ) - WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

CAN I DO THAT? IS THAT POSSIBLE?

- HOW ABOUT THAT? - OKAY, YEAH.

- HAVE YOU BEEN TO PRIMO'S? - I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO PRIMO'S.

- I HEAR THAT IT'S GREAT THOUGH. - IT'S REALLY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH. WELL, YOU'VE GOT MY NUMBER.

I DO.

- Lucy: WELL... - Larry: OH, JEEZ.

- WH? - TED DANSON.

( whispering ) HE IS AN ASSHOLE.

( whispers ) REALLY? YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?

- I DESPISE HIM. HE'S JUST TERRIBLE. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- HI. - HOW ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- YOU KNOW LUCY LAWLESS? - I DO.

- YEAH, WE MET. - TED DANSON.

- YEAH, NICE TO SEE YOU. - YOU TOO.

- WELL, OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

- BYE. - ( laughs )

WHAT IS THAT? "CALL ME"?

- DID SHE JUST DO A "CALL ME"? - YEAH, SHE DID.

- WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER. - REALLY?

- YES, YEAH. - WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

I ASKED HER FOR A DATE. HERE'S WHAT I SAID.

"I'M NOT REALLY A COOL GUY OR ANYTHING,"

WHICH IS A PRETTY GOOD LINE I THOUGHT.

I NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS DATING, ADMIT THAT I WASN'T A COOL GUY.

NOW I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT. I JUST SAID, "I'M NOT A COOL GUY."

IT FUCKING WORKED! "I'M NOT A COOL GUY"! I'M GONNA USE IT ALL THE TIME.

- GOOD FOR YOU, MAN, REALLY. - THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - YEAH, YOU DESERVE THAT.

- I GOTTA SCOOT. - WAIT, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW COME I WASN'T INVITED TO YOUR FUNDRAISER?

- WHA-WHAT FUNDRAISER? - THE OCEANS FUNDRAISER.

OH! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GLOBAL-WARMING GUY.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

YOU'RE GOING WITH CHERYL, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH. YEAH.

( laughing )

Girl: "OKAY, WHAT IS JIM JONES'S MOST FAMOUS SONG?"

- "BALLIN"! - AND THERE HE IS, Y'ALL!

( all cheering )

- UH-OH, UH-OH. - AND A LA-DI-DA.

- NOT TOO MUCH? NOT TOO DRESSY? - All: NO.

- NO, YOU LOOK GOOD. - YOU'RE COOL, MAN. YOU'RE COOL.

YOU'RE BRINGING IT TONIGHT, MAN. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT, AM I GONNA SIT HOME? SHE'S GOING OUT.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - SHE'S GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND ALREADY!

- YOUR TURN. - BY THE WAY, GUESS WHO I'M GOING OUT WITH?

- WHO? - Leon: WHO ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH?

XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS.

- OOH! - WAIT A SECOND NOW.

- WHAT? - UH-HUH.

- DO YOU LOVE THAT? - I LOVE IT!

- DON'T WAIT UP. - Leon: DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T.

- MY MAN L.D. - YEAH.

SORRY YOU GOTTA MISS THAT LAKERS GAME.

- FORGET ABOUT IT. - OH, I GOT TO TIVO IT.

- ( screaming ) - Leon: WHAT?

- WHAT THE HELL? - Loretta: LARRY, YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - LEON, GO HELP HIM.

- Loretta: WHAT HAPPENED? - Leon: WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - Loretta: WHAT'S THE MATTER?

Larry: SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- YEAH, WHAT'S THE DEAL? - I WAS JUST ABOUT TO EXPLAIN.

BASED ON YOUR SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS,

WHEN YOU TWISTED YOUR BODY,

YOUR TESTICLES GOT ENSNARED IN THE FLY OF YOUR UNDERWEAR,

WHICH ACTED LIKE A NOOSE.

AND IT CAUSED SCROTAL HEMATOMA AND CONTUSION.

- TWISTED BALLS. - IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, YES,

BUT IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.

IT'S A BRUISING, WHICH WILL PROBABLY LAST ABOUT A WEEK OR SO.

OH, OKAY. - BUT I WOULD DEFINITELY RECOMMEND

SWITCHING TO A STYLE OF UNDERWEAR WITH NO FLY.

- NO-FLY ZONE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME? - THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

NO-FLY ZONE. THAT'S A POPULAR BRAND.

- I'M NOT WEARING THAT UNDERWEAR, OKAY? - YOU GOTTA DO IT, MAN.

YOU GOT LONG BALLS, LARRY. LONG BALLS.

- YOU GOT LONG-ASS BALLS. - I'VE GOT LONG BALLS?

DOCTOR, YOU'VE SEEN HIS BALLS, RIGHT?

WOULD YOU SAY MY BALLS WERE UNUSUALLY LONG?

THEY'RE A BIT MORE DISTENDED THAN THE AVERAGE TESTICLES.

YOU GOT LONG-ASS BALLS, LARRY.

LONG-BALL LARRY. THAT'S YOUR NEW NAME.

LONG BALLS. WHO THE HELL KNEW?

LONG BALLS. CHANGE THE DRAWS.

OKAY, FINE. I'LL WEAR THE NO-FLY ZONE.

- HEY, THANKS FOR GETTING ME THROUGH THIS SO FAST. - YEAH, MY PLEASURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT A DATE. I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

OH YEAH, SPEAKING OF THAT, YOU'RE GONNA WANNA ICE YOUR TESTICLES,

AND NO SEX FOR AT LEAST A WEEK.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA BE A PROBLEM FOR ME, BUT THANKS.

THANKS FOR THE INFO. ALL RIGHT.

- GOOD LUCK. - THANKS.

MY MAN.

- I GOT LONG BALLS. - LONG-ASS BALLS.

( Lucy laughing )

I'VE ACTUALLY TRAINED MY BODY NOT TO USE PUBLIC TOILETS.

TRAINED IT.

SO I NEVER EVER HAVE TO GO WHEN I'M OUT OF MY HOUSE.

YEAH, I'M GETTING A RED FLAG HERE, LARRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD SWITCH SIDES. BECAUSE THE GAME'S ON.

- I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT IT. - WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'M TIVOING IT.

- OH, HATE SPOILERS, RIGHT? - I CAN'T WATCH IT IF I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

- SO WHAT ELSE ABOUT YOU? - I'M A MAN OF MYSTERY.

- AND YOU'RE A JEW, RIGHT? - YEAH.

- 'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE THOSE WHERE I COME FROM. - REALLY?

- NOPE. - SO I MUST BE QUITE FASCINATING TO YOU.

YOU ARE SO EXOTIC YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

IT'S LIKE A BLACK MAN IN SWEDEN.

- IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT. - RIGHT?

MR. AKIVO, YOUR TABLE'S READY. RIGHT THIS WAY PLEASE.

SORRY FOR THE WAIT.

OKAY, WE WERE DEFINITELY HERE AHEAD OF THEM.

- ABSOLUTELY. - HUH, WERE WE NOT?

- UH-HUH. - I'M GONNA TALK TO THE OWNER.

HEY, PRIMO.

MR. DAVID, GOOD EVENING.

WHAT'S GOING ON? ALL THESE PEOPLE I CAME IN AHEAD OF

ARE GETTING SEATED. HOW COME I'M NOT GETTING A TABLE?

( sighs )

MR. DAVID,

THERE IS NO TABLE.

NO TABLE? HOW COME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO TABLE"?

WE CHOSE CHERYL.

OH MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

- MINT? - YEAH.

- TISSUE? - NO.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO NOW?

WE COULD GO TO MY HOUSE.

YOUR HOUSE?

SURE. IT'S JUST UP THE ROAD.

OH, RIGHT.

WHAT?

MY TESTICLES GOT ENSNARED IN THE FLY OF MY UNDERWEAR,

AND THE DOCTOR SAID I CAN'T HAVE SEX FOR A WEEK.

BUT WE CAN GO THERE FOR DINNER.

I WAS ONLY TALKING ABOUT DINNER, YOU BIG ASSHOLE.

NO! NO!

( stammers )

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? - HEY, NAME PLEASE.

- LARRY DAVID. SIMON'S PARTY, RIGHT? - YES.

- COOL. - SORRY, YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

THAT'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE. I GOTTA BE ON THIS LIST. I'M A CLOSE FRIEND.

- MY WIFE IS IN THERE. - YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST. I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

- COME ON, MAN. I'LL GIVE YOU $20. - $20?

IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST, I CAN'T LET YOU IN. SORRY.

- $40. - THAT'S INSULTING.

HEY.

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU'RE INVITED?

NO, HE DIDN'T INVITE ME. I HAVE A GIG.

HE'S PAYING ME $10,000 TO DO A SET. IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

- ARE YOU THE SPECIAL GUEST? - YEAH, SO WHAT?

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? - ARE YOU KIDDING?

- IT'S $10,000. - HE'S GIVING YOU $10,000?

- YEAH, SO WHAT? - SO WHAT?! THAT'S MY MONEY.

I'M PAYING FOR YOU. YOU'RE MY MONEY.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YOUR MONEY? - DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I GAVE HIM $10,000. HE'S GIVING IT TO YOU, SO I OWN YOU!

THIS IS NOT SAN QUENTIN. I HAVE A GIG FOR CHRIST--

I DON'T CARE. YOU'RE NOT GOING IN!

WHY ARE YOU TAKING THIS SO PERSONALLY?! THIS IS JUST BUSINESS!

NO, IT'S NOT BUSINESS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YOU'RE NOT GOING IN THERE. - I AM GOING IN THERE.

- DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. - YOU'RE NOT GOING IN.

- ( groaning ) - HEY, WHAT'S YOUR-- OH, COME ON.

I HIT YOU IN THE THIGH, YOU BIG BABY.

LONG BALLS.

- LONG BALLS. - LONG BALLS.

( groaning )

Announcer: Lakers down by two with seconds remaining.

He drives up the lane.

- ( static crackles ) - Blocked, rebound. Lakers..

( silence )

- Blocked, re-- - ( static crackling )

...lane. Blocked, re--

Lakers-- Lakers-- Lakers...

( theme music playing )

( theme music playing )