Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Oh!

Oh my god!

- are you ready to go? - oh, god, look at this.

Look at that.

- what is this? - it's a book about freaks.

- is this ted's gift? - yeah.

- that's what you're giving Him for his birthday? - yeah.

- okay, yeah. - it's unbelievable.

Hey, guess what. It's all finalized-- The cemetery plots.

We got 'em, so now ted And mary are gonna be Next to us

- and jeff and susie. - hey, you like her?

I see that.

I think we really overpaid For those plots.

- ( doorbell rings ) - it's too late, and It's a beautiful site.

Hold on. This has To be the car service.

- hi, good evening, Miss david? - yes.

- your car's here. - thank you. We'll be right out.

- we'll be right out. Thank you so much. - okay.

- oh, oh, jesus! Oh, jesus! - larry, our car's here.

- okay. - this isn't for you, Actually.

Look at the size Of this guy.

Let's put it away. We're going to a party.

We have a car. We can drink. We can have margaritas.

We can hang out, Be normal.

Great idea, The car service, Great idea.

Cheryl: Okay, so we'll just call You in a few hours or so.

Good. We'll see you In a while. Have A great night, folks.

Larry: What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna be here.

- got something to read? - no no no, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Take care.

All right.

No book? No paper?

- nothing? A puzzle, huh? - no, I--

You folks have A great night, though. Have a great party.

I don't have to Worry about you in there? You'll be okay?

- I'm great. - okay, fine.

I'll be right here When you get out And have a great party.

- okay. - thank you.

( mutters ) I couldn't Be alone with myself For 15 minutes.

My brains would melt.

He's gonna sit here For three hours And not gonna read.

No lady or nothing. No distractions.

Big news: The cemetery plots Came through.

So it's jeff and susie And you and cheryl and Me and ted

Buried next to Each other forever. Oh my god.

Yeah, right. Isn't that something?

- yeah. - that's really something.

- yeah, I don't want-- Not too soon. - yeah, no.

It's true. When you start To think about it,

Somebody's gotta Go first, I guess.

Well, it's not gonna be me And probably not ted. We're very healthy.

- really? - yeah.

- nice party, huh? - this is very nice.

- I don't even recognize Most of these people. - really?

You know the rizmans.

Yeah yeah, I'm not That crazy about them,

Frankly, you know.

You don't like Arnie rizman?

Just 'cause the person's Bald doesn't mean I Have to like them.

Okay, forget it. I'm sure there's someone Here that you like.

- I'm gonna get a drink. - okay, enjoy yourself.

All right, okay.

- good evening. - good evening to you.

- how you doing? - I am doing...

Pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

- what can I get you? - you got a little bow tie There, huh?

Got a little bow tie.

That's your idea?

No. No, it's not.

You know, we're asked To wear it sometimes.

- what do you mean sometimes? - well, we're given A work-order form

With a special request, And in this case, There was a request

From mr. Danson To wear the bow tie.

- you're kidding. - no.

Ted danson specifically Requested that you wear A bow tie?

Are you joking?

To distinguish, I believe,

Between the guests And the staff.

Well, looks like I'm Gonna have to have A little talk

With mr. Danson.

No no no no, That's totally--

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

- I wanna say a little Something to him. - please, please don't.

- I feel like I have to. - you don't. You don't.

- honestly, it's-- - I do. I really do. This is wrong.

- it's just wrong. - it's unnecessary.

We're asked sometimes. It's fine. It's part Of the job.

Listen, I'm doing this For you.

Well, if you're doing It for me, then don't.

- please. - okay, I'm doing it For me.

Also, please Don't then.

You don't understand How I operate, okay?

- maybe not, but-- - I will not get you In trouble.

I'll talk to him. Everything will be fine.

It would probably Implicate me in some way, And it's not that important.

- what's your name? - jamie.

- jamie, okay. - yeah.

- jamie, nice to meet you. - nice to meet you.

I'm gonna go say A little something To mr. Danson.

Please don't--

In a few minutes, You're not gonna Be wearing a bow tie.

I don't mind Wearing it that much. I'd rather you don't.

You're gonna say, "Larry, thank you for Getting rid of my bow tie."

I thank you, larry, To not say anything To mr. Danson.

Jamie, I gotta Say something.

You don't.

- I have to. I couldn't live with myself. - you don't have to.

Just trust me. I know how to talk To people.

- I do trust you, But please don't. - that's gotta go.

- that's gotta go, jamie. - it doesn't have to.

- please, please. - nah-ah-ah.

- hey, happy birthday! - hey.

Yeah, yeah, I'd hug you, But I know you got a phobia.

Yeah, we don't need To go that far, You know?

- let me ask you something. - yeah.

Why'd you make This poor kid

- wear a bow tie? Bartender? - oh!

Larry: Got him in a bow tie? What's up with that?

We had a choice. No bow tie, bow tie. We went with bow tie.

- classes up the party A little bit, I think. - really?

Makes me a little Uncomfortable seeing A guy like that,

Have to stand there, Wear a bow tie The whole night.

- that's not cool. - it looks elegant.

Feel like you're putting On airs or something, You know?

- I'm putting on airs? - a little bit, yeah.

You know, what is it? So you feel good?

He's gotta feel bad So you can feel good?

Is that how the world Works for you?

- did he say something To you? - no, he didn't.

- he did, didn't he? - no, he did not.

- what did he say? - he didn't say anything.

- bullshit. - he said he'd rather I wouldn't talk to you,

That's what He said, but...

- can't take The bow tie off? - no.

- that's your final answer? - that's my final answer.

- final answer? - yeah, no deal.

Pfft! Whatever You want, you know?

- come on, larry, please. - okay, all right.

I feel like a jerk 'cause I kind of Promised him.

Well, too bad. Go back and say You failed.

Okay, I will. One more thing:

I got a driver Out there.

I was wondering if I could Bring him in the house.

He's sitting out there. He'll be out there For three hours.

Do you mind If I bring him in?

Why don't we just send Some coffee out to him?

Send coffee out to him? Come on, what is that?

Let me bring him in. He'll sit in a corner. He won't bother anybody.

It's his job to sit In the car and wait While you have fun.

I know it's his job, But listen, I used to drive.

I know how it feels To sit in a car For three hours

And do nothing And freeze and not be Able to put the radio on

Or the lights. You can't read. There's nothing you can do.

- you drove limos? - yeah, I did drive limos.

- really? - yeah.

- did you wear A little bow tie? - no, I did not.

The woman was blind And couldn't see.

- really? - yeah.

I didn't even Wear the uniform.

- really? - yeah, she couldn't See a thing.

The car was filthy, But anyway, that's Another story.

Bring him in. I don't care. Put him in the back.

- really? Thank you, Thank you. - yeah. You're welcome.

- you happy now? - I'm happy.

- still no on the... - no.

- all right, I'm gonna Go get him. Thanks, man. - okay.

- who's this from again? - barney and ellen.

Oh, look at that.

- ted: thank you! Thank you so much. - it's nice.

- who this? Doesn't have a name? - nancy and george.

You excited About tomorrow night?

- what's tomorrow night? - the mccartney concert.

- oh, yeah, right. - how often do you Go to concerts?

- you know what? I am excited. - yeah, I am too.

- we'll go out to dinner. It'll be fun. - yeah, it'll be fun.

- this is great. These do a lot of good. - yeah.

Have you seen this, Everybody?

- jeff: oh, the bono phone. - larry: oh, that's great.

- gives money to aids In africa. - ted: oh, that's so great.

That doesn't affect Heterosexuals, right?

- jeff: what are you doing? - the guy's impossible.

- ted: thank you so much. - it's not funny.

It's a joke, people. It's a joke, come on.

- okay. - I'm not sure.

What is that? Oh, that's mine. Hey!

- ted: this is the one You told me about? - that's it, yeah.

- "Mondo..." - "Mondo freaks."

Larry: "Mondo freaks."

Leaf through it.

Huh? Are you loving that?

Well, thank you, larry. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. It's a great Coffee-table book.

Oh, yeah, wait.

I wanna just show it To jeff, okay?

Yeah, thanks.

All right, what have We got next here?

I'll be right back.

- ted: oh oh, yeah. - ( laughing )

Okay--

- it's pete peterson. - ted: all right, What have we got here?

Jeff: That's unbelievable.

- what do we got here? - ( jeff and larry laughing )

- jeff: his head tilted! - ( shatters )

Oh!

You all right, buddy?

Happy birthday, becker.

( laughing )

Oh, jesus.

I'm sorry about that. Who is he?

- does anyone know? - larry: um...

- I think that's my driver. - that's your driver?

This is the guy You brought into My house?

- I'm sorry, man. - you're sorry? That guy's plastered.

- it was an accident. He didn't do it on purpose. - mary: get off me!

God, get--

Get out of here, You stupid creep!

What happened?

- that guy, the drunk guy, Just groped me. - he what?

He just-- ooh! Put his hands all over me.

- I don't believe him. - that son of a...

You know something? You're out of here. Go on.

- larry: what? - go on, get out Of here, larry.

- what? - get the hell out Of my house, will you?

- what? It was an accident. - take your freaky friend

- and your freak book And get the hell out. - what?

He gropes my wife, And he breaks-- I can't believe this!

- fine, fine, I'm leaving! - go on.

Fine. Happy birthday. Come on, cheryl.

- I'm sorry. - oh cheryl, It's not your fault.

Happy birthday.

- driver: that was A bullshit party. - larry: yeah.

Driver: Let's get out Of here. Get in.

- no, you're Not driving. - I'm totally fine.

- are you crazy? You're not driving. - I'm not that drunk.

- what are you doing? - hey, I know.

I'm just joking around. But seriously,

You two, get in. I'm driving.

No, you're not. You can't drive. You're drunk.

You are not Gonna drive us home. Nobody in their right mind

- would get in a car With you right now. - come on, get in the car.

- you'll stay right over here. - okay okay okay.

Don't forget me, bud.

- do you know how To drive a limo? - I don't know.

- hey, charlie. - stay out Of the glove compartment.

- charlie. - stay out of the glove Compartment.

Get...

Come on, charlie. Come on, get up.

- no kidding? - larry: let's go.

Oh, man.

Oh, my goodness.

There she is. - ( cheryl groans )

Come on, step, Step, come on.

Honey, honey...! ( rings doorbell )

- woman: nobody's home. Stay out. - come on, baby.

No, not again. God damn you!

Huh-uh, huh-uh. Who are you?

Get off! Get off!

Don't you dare get On that couch. Hey, what are you doing?

Huh? You party With this fuckface?

No, we weren't partying.

No, he was driving us.

And he had Too much to drink, So we thought...

You!

Get your stinky, Nasty feet off my couch.

Man: who's there? Is that the goddamn neighbors With their fucking dog?

- no, dad, go to bed! - who's there?

This is the shitstorm Of my life. It's shit.

Yeah, it doesn't Look that great.

No, it isn't. Aren't you pretty?

- don't you look nice? - you're pretty.

- you're pretty. - very attractive.

- dad: tell 'em to stop Playing the music. - shut up!

We have no way To get home tonight Because--

No, clearly He can't drive.

I would offer you The upstairs room, but My dad is a fucking mess.

Can we take The limo home?

I'll bring it back Tomorrow. I promise.

Charlie: you gotta Bring it back, man.

I don't Need you To talk!

- thank you. - I'm sorry I couldn't Invite you in for a snack.

But you know what? There's nothing In the cupboard.

- dad: I don't want that dog Shitting in my yard! - daddy, so help me!

Cheryl: This is gonna be so fun.

I'm so looking forward To this concert.

H, my gosh, You're wearing a suit.

This is likea real date.

Gonna go to dinner And go to a concert And hang out.

Oh my god. You know what I heard?

I heard that heather mills And paul mccartney

Might be getting Back together.

- oh, how exciting. - can you believe that?

- I'm a all atwitter. - she might even Be there tonight.

- really? - yeah. See heather mills.

You know, I gotta tell ya,

- I'm thinking about This ted danson thing. - yeah.

I don't think I Wanna be buried Next to this guy.

That's how I feel.

So I was thinking Maybe...

Maybe you'll switch plots With me, so you'll be Between us.

I don't care.

But you know that means that You'll be next to susie.

So you're gonna need Her permission.

- I don't care What you do. - ( doorbell rings )

Oh, hey, that's them.

Oh, I'll get it.

All: hey!

- paul mccartney, baby, yeah! - paul mccartney!

Hey, guys. Hey, you look great. Oh, look, a suit too.

- I know. Isn't that nice? - yeah, you do look good.

- I love this outfit. - you do?

Oh, yeah, it's great-- The pink. I love This stuff.

Wow, glad you like it.

- larry: really nice, yeah. - susie: it's a rock starthing.

- great combo. Yeah, looks terrific. - glad you like it.

- you want some wine, cheese? - I'd love some wine. That'd be great.

Where's the freak book?

- left it in the car. - oh, man, all right.

- I'm sorry. - it's all right.

How about a toast? To good friends, Good friendship.

- nice, very nice, Very nice. - to friendship?

You know, you weren't There last night.

- no, I heard. - ted danson,

I have had it With this guy.

- he's a little pompous Lately, I notice. - so full of himself.

Let me just say this, okay? I don't wanna be buried Next to this guy.

I really don't. I've been thinking About it.

I was talking to cheryl, And I asked cheryl

If she'd switch plots With me, and she agreed.

- so now I'll be buried Next to you. - next to me?

Yeah, next to you, So that's that.

I don't really like That, lar. I don't Like that.

- why not? - because I liked it The way it was.

What's the big deal?

Because, larry, honestly, I don't wanna be next To you for eternity.

May I be so bold?

Your best self emerges After you're dead.

- you don't know that For a fact. - I do know. I came back.

Guess what. Even your Best self, I'm not Interested for eternity.

I take back my toast.

- good friends? - fine, take back your toast.

I take back the toast, And I take back what I said about your outfit.

Well, you only said it 'cause you had this In mind

To get me to switch plots. There's always an ulterior Motive.

If you were married to me, I never would have let you Out of the house with that.

That's fine. I'm not married to you.

And I'm not gonna be Next to you forever And ever and ever.

- I want some peace And quiet. - okay, fine.

How about this? I'll switch with cheryl,

But then you switch With jeff.

- I can't do that. I need to be on the end. - that's true.

Jeff: I'm claustrophobic. I can't Be anywhere but the end.

He hyperventilates. He has to be on the end.

- yeah, it's not good. - I'll tell you what's Not good, okay?

The selfishness That's going on here.

No, I wanna be next to My goddamn husband for Eternity, not ted danson.

- that's the way we lay there. I made a vow to him, larry. - okay, fine, we're leaving.

We're leaving this cemetery. We're getting another plot.

- no, we're not. No, we are not. - yes, we are! Yes, we are!

Nobody's switching? Is that what you're Saying to me?

We should keep it The way it is.

You're gonna keep it The way it is? Fine, fine. Enjoy your evening, okay?

- what are you Talking about? - I'm going. I'm going.

You don't wanna be buried Next to me when you're dead,

I can assume you don't Wanna be next to me When you're alive.

I'll see you At the concert.

- he's a drama queen. He's overreacting. - I don't know.

Like a little girl. What was That? That was nothing.

- where's the car? - leon took it.

He didn't ask me.

- what are you doing? - I'm taking the limo.

- limo? - he's out of his mind.

He's driving a limo?

( crash )

Larry: oh! Oh, fuck!

( cell phone rings )

- hello. - larry, hey, it's charlie, The limo driver.

- hello, charlie. - I'm sorry about last night.

Yeah, boy oh boy, You should be.

- you shouldn't have had To go through that. - yeah, that was pretty bad.

I didn't mean To get that drunk. I just got out of hand.

I did you a favor. I let you in the house. It was pretty awful.

I'm so-- I'm so-- Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

Guess what. I'm in the limo right now. Do you want me to return it?

Look, man, You gotta do me a huge favor.

I gotta pick somebody up In 30 minutes at the airport.

He's this huge vip client, And I can't get there, man.

They just called. You gotta go pick him up.

- what are you, kidding me? - no, please, seriously.

I'm not gonna go pick Somebody up at the airport.

If I don't get this, I lose my job, man.

And my wife is Gonna lose her health care.

We're gonna lose Everything, man. The house goes too.

I can't pick somebody up At the airport.

- are you insane? - larry, do me a favor. Come on, man.

- oh, jesus. - please, larry,

For god's sake-- For my family.

Oh...

- all right, fine, fine. - thanks. Oh, god, thanks.

Go to the airport for you. This is really unbelievable, Charlie.

Go just go to the airport. Get to the terminal,

And you're charlie The limo driver, man.

Just pick up john mcenroe. Take him wherever he wants To go, okay?

John mcenroe?

Yeah, john mcenroe. Take him wherever he wants To go, okay?

He's the tennis guy. As far as he knows,

You're charlie The limo driver, man. That's it.

- stand there. - I'm charlie, cool.

- you're the man. - nice to meet you, Mr. Mcenroe. I'm charlie.

Hey, mr. Mcenroe, hiya.

How you doing? I'm charlie.

All right, hey. Okay, I got it.

Ah!

Okay.

- let me get that. - yeah, thanks.

I got it.

- okay, give me This, please. - thank you.

All right, charlie.

- charlie, john mcenroe. - john mcenroe, Nice to meet you.

- pleasure. - thanks.

- where you heading? - going to the staples center For the mccartney concert.

- oh, no kidding. - yeah.

- good. How was the flight? - it was all right.

It was all right.

How you doing, Mr. Mcenroe?

Good. Good, thanks.

You let old charlie know Whatever you need.

- charlie's your guy. - all right, charlie.

- thanks. - charlie is your man. Don't be shy.

Charlie, listen. Little tired right now, Okay? Thanks.

Hey, let me ask you something. Were you shy as a child?

- were you shy? - yeah yeah, I was actually.

Like, I was shy When I was a kid.

People always saying, "Don't be shy. Don't be shy."

What, do you think You have control Of being shy?

- you know what I'm talking about? - yeah. Yeah, I do.

Ever play ping pong? Ping pong's my game. I'll tell you something:

I think it's a lot Harder than tennis, With all due respect.

I'm gonna have to Respectfully disagree With that, charlie.

What do you do for fun? How does a john mcenroe Have fun?

I like to be quiet now, Believe it or not.

- you watch a lot of tv? - lot of sports.

- you have allergies? - no allergies.

Do you believe in god, A god of some kind?

Yeah, I believe In a god,

And I'm wondering Where he is right now.

- you like life? - yeah, I like life!

- do you garden? - I don't garden, okay?

If you talk to people Who garden, they'll all Tell you the same thing:

They find it very relaxing And meditative.

And it looks like it. I admit it. I'm jealous Of the gardener.

- have you ever been jealous Of a gardener? - no, I haven't, actually.

- are you married? - yeah, I'm married!

- I have sex once a week. How about you? - ( groans )

- is that too personal? - yeah, that's too personal, Okay?

What's the big deal To talk about that?

I don't understand it. I have sex once a week--

Good week, twice. But I can go more Than one week.

Hey, that's really Interesting, okay, charlie?

Larry: oh my god. Hey, I need to make a stop

For two minutes-- Would that be okay-- At this cemetery?

- in this cemetery? - yeah, it's right here. I can't believe it.

I just need To make a stop just For a couple of minutes.

- all right, whatever. - oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

- I appreciate that. You're a good man. - yeah yeah.

Hey, charlie, How long is this Gonna take?

I'll just be two minutes. Here, check out This freak book.

- it's a riot. - all right, fine.

- great. Looks wonderful. - it's a lot of fun.

Check out the freaks, Mr. Mcenroe.

It's not what you had. What you had was the best We have to offer.

It was absolutely Spectacular.

Yeah, well, I'm done with that one.

However, This is not bad.

You have a nice class Of people here

And a nice view.

It's quiet.

Can I get a refund On the other plot?

No, I can't do that,

But you can sell it Privately if you like.

Okay, that's fair. Okay.

I'll take it.

What the fuck?

Charlie!

( crying )

( speaking spanish )

( crying )

( speaking spanish )

What? This is not your limo.

No no no no no,

This is not your limo. This is somebody else's limo.

I pay you. I do whatever. Just take my sister home.

- give him the money. - look, the guy's coming.

Woman: My sister will... I know. I know.

The guy's coming. Help him get Into the car.

- charlie, what the hell? - close the door.

Just get out. Close the door.

They think it's their car. I don't know.

- get in, get in. - what is this?

Why is he coming in? Why are you--

- it's his car. - what are you Coming in for?

- we need to go home. - where do you live?

- what the fuck is-- - 2250 9th street.

I don't care Where they live. Let's get 'em out of here.

You know what? That's not that far From the staples center.

- yeah, right. Okay, great. - thank you so much.

( all talking At once )

( speaking spanish )

Now we are Nowhere near this place.

We are nowhere near-- I don't know where This place is.

- I can't find this place. - ( woman speaks spanish )

- what? - you have to Just make a left turn.

No, this isn't close.

You said 8th street, right? This is not 8th street.

Charlie, I didn't pay For this. Come on!

All you have to do Is make a left turn.

You told me to go this way. I went completely The wrong way.

- you're supposed To be a driver. - it's the other way, I think.

Okay, you just said The word, "I think." Don't think.

Just follow My instructions!

I'm telling you, Make a left turn!

( speaks spanish )

Don't make this worse Than it already is.

Just make a left turn And take us home!

This is all we need To do because my sister--

That's it. That's it!

That's it. I can't take this anymore!

Charlie, Pull the car over. That's it!

Pull the car over, God damn it!

I gotta get to the concert. I don't care about your Fucking father.

Pull over! I don't care About him, okay?

Charlie, Get me to the show. Jesus christ!

Come on, quick. Get out of here.

What are you doing?

( all yelling )

Yeah, fuck you, Too, all right? Yeah, kiss my--!

( yelling )

- john: god, we made it, Charlie? - larry: we made it.

- yeah! - we made it, mac!

Hey, and this book-- I gotta tell you, This book is great.

- are you loving That freak book, huh? - this freak book is sick.

You see, you were worried. I told you I'd get you here On time.

I knew I was gonna make The show on time, but just Worried about this pre-party.

- I got this pass to this Pre-party. It's awesome. - really?

Got any extra tickets?

What do you mean? You're a driver, man.

Hey, if the situation Were reversed, I'd let you go.

All right, fine. Fine, all right.

You know what? We'll bringthe freak book.

What do you think?

John: Hey, charlie, Get me another beer.

- charlie, come here. You gotta see this. - mmm.

I'm smashed. We're gonna need A driver.

Charlie, thanks. I gotta tell you,

This is awesome. Thank you for This book, man.

- no no no, let me hold it. - you've been holding it The whole time.

- I like it. - we'll split it. We'll share it.

- all right, fine fine. - okay.

- three legs! - where?

- there! - no no!

- three legs! What is that? - pig nose.

- it's a pig. It's a human pig! - pig nose!

Oh, god!

- what a freak! - oh my god,

- what a freak! - man and woman: it's heather.

( crowd shushes )

Heather: Who you calling a freak, You bald fuck?

Why would I call Heather mills a freak?

We weren't talking About her!

I was talking about the book. There's freaks in here.

See? Look. Four tits. You see the four tits?

That's a freak. That's what I'm Talking about.

- please, one more chance. - I was only talking About the book.

- why would I do that? - this is all your fault!

Why'd you bring That fucking book?

- you yelled, "What a freak." - you yelled, "What a freak," Too!

You yelled it first. I was just following you!

God damn it! We're gonna miss The show now!

- that's not my fault. - bullshit! It is your fault.

- no, it isn't. - god damn it, you're An asshole, you know that?

- fuck you! Fuck you! - fuck you!

- no, fuck you! - fuck you!

- go get the fucking car. - get a ride home. How about that?

( woman sobbing )

( rings doorbell )

Woman: holy shit!

- hey, lar. - hey.

- returning the car. - yeah, thanks.

What's... What's...

- her dad died yesterday. - oh, jeez.

If it's The neighbor again,

Say I'm sorry I'm crying.

I'm sorry to hear About your father.

So sudden, and he Didn't wanna go, man. He fought it.

He fought it Like a trouper, That old asshole.

What are we gonna do? I can't afford a funeral.

I can't afford anything. Where we gonna bury him?

I think I can help you out.

( theme music playing )