Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( rapid beeping )

What is that?

I don't know.

What is that, A cell phone?

( beeping stops )

( sighs )

( rapid beeping )

God.

- what the hell is that? - I don't know.

Oh, it's a smoke alarm. The smoke alarm's Going off.

( cheryl groans )

It's the stupid batteries. Co on, we've gotta Find it.

( beeping continues )

No, it's not That one.

It's not that one.

No. Try the guest room.

( beeping continues )

I think It's downstairs.

( screams )

( screams )

( beeping continues )

( beeping continues )

( beeping stops )

( beeping resumes )

( beeping stops )

Richard: I don't think I have any feeling

In my shoulders, I swear to god.

- it does Take its toll, man. - take its toll--

- you did Very well, by the way. - you don't have to condescend.

No, seriously, For a guy who Doesn't play,

I thought He did very well. You did.

You never play. What do you want From yourself?

- give yourself a break. - jeff: one thing I want To tell you,

- after you hit the ball Six, seven times... - yeah?

...And it's not in the hole, Just pick it up and We'll move on.

- you shouldn't take More than seven strokes. - yeah, that's just crazines.

Just pick up the ball. He's right, yeah.

- well, you'll never have To experience me again. - no, we had fun.

Didn't you have fun With us, hanging out?

It was a little boring, To be honest with you.

- that's a nice Thing to say. - well, it fucking was.

Okay, give me back My $150 that I spent On your guest fee.

You paid $150 For me to look Like a fucking asshole?

- ( men continue chattering ) - tv anchor: more shocking Footage

From hurricane edna Which has left extensive Destruction in its wake.

- larry: these poor people. - the storm surge inundated Low-lying areas

- knocking out Phone and power lines. - oh, boy.

Larry: That's from global warming, That hurricane.

Anchor: 33 deaths have been reported And thousands left homeless.

Look at that-- Thousands of homeless People now.

Fema is estimating damage From this category 5 hurricane

In the billions Of dollars.

Oh, wow. It's katrina All over again. Poor people.

Did you go to Funkhouser's party Last night?

Jeff: no. Did you?

No. Huh-uh.

Why?

Because I'm going To danson's party tonight.

Two back to back--

I don't want to go To two parties Back to back.

It was a stupid night For him to have a party.

- yeah. - did you call him?

No.

- well, what are you gonna say? - I'll tell him Sammy was sick.

You're gonna Use your child To get out of a party?

- why not? It's the best Thing in the world. - it's a perfect excuse.

- no one can Argue with that. - who argues with that?

I wish I had that. It's a great reason To have kids.

It's a great Reason to have kids. It's one of the bonuses, yep.

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say?

- you have nothing, Nothing. - I know.

I'll just show up tonight And pretend I had The wrong night.

- that's stupid. - that's great.

- oh, please. - no, that's fantastic. I love that.

Yeah. Ding-dong-- "Where's the party?"

- isn't that a good idea? - that's a great idea.

He's not gonna buy that. That's such obvious Bullshit.

No, it isn't. Nobody would go Out of their way

That much-- to show up At somebody's house,

Pretend they had The wrong night.

He's gotta be A mental case To believe it.

No, I love that. That's fantastic.

Have you Ever seen richard Look in the mirror?

Is that really What I do?

- you happy now? - yeah.

- all right, I'll see you At danson's? - yeah.

- okay. - thanks for turning me off To a sport forever.

It's okay. Are you gonna Go tonight?

Uh, I don't know. I have to ask cha cha. I'll see.

- cha cha. - cha cha.

Where did he Get her from? Man, oh, man.

- she is so hot. - good for him.

- good for him. - yeah, good for him. Let him enjoy.

- she's somethin'. - yeah. Wow.

- all right. - all right, my friend.

- see you at danson's. - I'll see you at danson's.

Okay. What are you Gonna wear?

I'm gonna dress Like a little Dutch girl.

- ( guffaws ) - "What am I wearing?"

I can't stop thinking About the hurricane.

Oh, my nose is Really itching me And I can't scratch it.

I mean, The pictures on tv Were just--

You can't even imagine That people survived it.

I know, It's awful.

Awful. I was watching It today.

All these people-- They have no place To go right now.

- ( car horn honks ) - hey! Hey, dum-dum,

Go ahead, Move in.

- thank you. - I mean, their houses were Completely destroyed.

You know what My father used to Call those people?

Schmohawks. Did I ever Tell you that?

- yeah. - have I mentioned Schmohawks to you?

Schmohawk. "Hey, schmohawk!"

- he used to Yell it out all the time. - imagine for one second

If we lost-- if you Lost every single thing You had in your life.

What do I have? I don't know what's so--

- what do I have? - this is-- well, there--

- I like this sport jacket. I can't replace this one. - listen, when there's--

You know what Some people are doing,

That I personally think Is a really great idea,

Is they're bringing in Displaced families.

- hmm. - you know,

I've been doing A little research

And we could actually Have a family here Tomorrow.

- what? - yeah.

- tomorrow? - they have No place to go.

I would need A couple of months

To mentally Prepare for that. Tomorrow?

We don't have A couple of months.

These people Need help right now.

It's a nice concept.

Uh, you know, We'll think about it.

We don't need to jump Into this thing Right now.

Imagine how They would feel

To come here And live in our house.

Mmm. Oh, all right, We're here.

We're at funkhousers'.

Why aren't we Just going to ted And mary's, larry?

This is so stupid.

- this is so stupid. - what? Are you kidding?

There's nothing to it. We'll just pretend We had the wrong night.

This way he feels good-- That at least we attempted To go to his party.

Can't we just go To ted and mary's?

We're gonna go To ted and mary's After we do this.

It won't take long. It's two minutes.

- hey. - hey, marty.

What happened To you guys?

Where-- Where is everybody?

You mean, From the party?

Oh, they've been gone For about 24 hours.

- the party was Last night. - last night?

A great party. Oh yeah, we had A lot of fun.

- are you kidding? - we never heard From you.

- oh my gosh. - the party was Last night.

- we sent you An invitation. - oh, marty.

Oh my god, That is unbelievable.

- I guess We mixed up the dates. - we missed the party?

- totally missed it. - how did that happen?

Oh, it was A great party.

This may be the dumbest Thing I've ever done In my life--

- well, we've ever done. - so you guys thought The party was tonight?

Yeah, obviously.

Everyone else Was here.

You know what? I swear I had a feeling. I really had a feeling.

- anyway... - anyway, it's so good To see you.

- tell nan I'll call-- - we're gonna get--

No, look look look Look look,

You're here-- Come on in. Come on.

What? Get out of here. We don't want to Impose on you.

You're not imposing.

You're tired from last night. You were up late With your party.

- get out. Are you nuts? - yeah, we wouldn't Dream of it.

Don't worry. We've got some food Left over,

Got some Games to play. Come on in.

No, but it's crazy. We don't--

- we would not dream of it. - hold it, hold it, hold it.

You have no plans,

You're supposed To be here,

And you're here. So come on in.

Come on, cheryl. Come on.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Come on.

Come on, larr.

Together: Come on, larry.

Marty: Well, I'll tell You this:

- you missed A great party. - larry: I'm sure, yeah.

- it was a lot of fun. - nan: oh...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm sorry we Missed it...

Yeah, well, We didn't wanna miss it.

- obviously, we're here. - no, but you know what--?

Let me tell you What we did.

We hadan hour and a half

Of the greatest Improv karaoke singing

- you've ever Heard in your life. - larry: oh, boy.

We're sorry We missed it. And you know what?

- we shouldn't be Here right now. - yeah, it's crazy.

- we really should go. - no no no no no. I'm not heaping guilt.

- I think We're gonna get going. - no no, don't go anywhere.

- no no no, Sit down, sit down. - we're gonna get out of here.

- nan: please, oh, stop it! - sit down!

Come on, sit down.

I'm okay with it. And stop feeling bad.

We're here now.

You know what game I love that we didn't Play last night?

It's-- and we play it For money--

"1000 pick-up sticks."

I go get the sticks, I throw them all over The room...

- ( doorbell rings ) - ...And we pick up The sticks.

And the one With the most sticks Wins the pot.

- that sounds good. - cheryl: are you expecting Company?

Yeah, what is this? You got company?

- cheryl: now we're Intruding on your company. - I'll get rid of them.

- now it's really crazy. - please relax. I'll get rid of them.

Cheryl: Are you guys Expecting company?

- susie: hi. - jeff: hey.

- what are you doing here? - both: the party.

Where's everybody?

Just a little note: The party was Last night.

- what do you mean, The party was last night? - what are you talking about?

- the party was last night. - jeff: it's tonight.

Well, guess who else Thought it was tonight?

Who?

- what are the odds? - yeah, what are the odds?

- oh my god, how about that? - susie: we're just gonna go.

- they had the wrong night Just like us! - ( nan laughing )

- that's unbelievable. - unbelievable.

- marty: no no no. - jeff: see you later.

- marty: come on in. - jeff: no. No, listen...

We're gonna have a little Get-together tonight.

- no no, we'll go. Cheryl, we'll go. - we'll go, we'll go.

We'll all go.

- don't go anywhere. - we'll go.

No, don't go anywhere. Listen to me.

- we're gonna have A little party tonig. - well, not a party...

What the hell are you Doing? You stole my Wrong-night bit.

I didn't steal it. I give you full credit.

It's a brilliant idea. I told susie

- it was your idea. - we're never getting Out of here.

- we'll be out of here In five minutes. - five minutes?

- trust me. Five minutes. - let me tell you something:

There's no way You're making danson's Party tonight.

- we are locked in here. This is it. - "Locked in."

- five minutes-- We're out of here. - oh, really?

- watch. Five minutes. - oh yeah? You watch.

Marty: So, is this fun Or what?

- the cake is wonderful. - susie: the cake Is incredible.

- best cake ever? - best cake I ever had.

Ever. And who's ever had More cake than me?

- susie: exactly. He's right about that. - marty: do you love that?

What is the deal? I've never tasted Anything like that.

- everything is handmade. - where did you get it?

- I'm sucking On it like a mint. - at a cake shop.

- what was the shop? - that's a new way of Eating cake-- like a mint.

Wait, I need To find-- where?

26th street bakery, We got it.

- susie: you know jeff-- He can't stop... - the texture.

- all right, this has been-- - jeff: yeah, we gotta Get going.

- we gotta get going. - marty: has this been Better than you thought?

- we gotta get going. - yeah, thank you.

- no, I've gotta get going. - no no, we gotta get going.

My daughter is waiting For a puppet show.

- my dad has a virus. He's in bed... - larry's dad's got a virus.

- ...With fever, With covers up to his neck. - we shouldn't be here.

Your dad always Has a virus, okay?

- fuck you, he doesn't Always have a virus. - hold it one second.

- ( dinging on glass ) - you guys stay here, Keep him company.

- we have to do Something for sammy. - you stay here then.

- you stay. - you stay.

- you stay. - ( marty bangs on table )

- nan: oh. - marty: hold it a minute.

You guys were supposed To be here

To go to a party, Right?

You got nothing Going on.

Father sick, Puppets--

Tomorrow you'll Take your puppets Over to his father's house

And make him Feel better, okay?

We're gonna have fun. And guess what our Next move is.

- jeff: what? - we're going into The living room

And we're gonna play "The newlywed game."

- nan: yes. - because we played it Last night

And it was Spectacular.

All: oh my god!

- ( nan laughs ) - marty: yes, that's great.

Nan: do I know my husband?

- larry: unbelievable. - you are good at this.

- okay, next question. - okay, all right.

That was great. "If you could have sex

With one of your friends' Wives or girlfriends...

- ( all exclaim ) - ...Who would it be?"

- susie: ooh. - ( all giggle )

- susie: that's A dangerous one. - both: okay.

- larry: all right. - cheryl: hold on, hold on.

- marty: tell me when You're ready. I'm ready. - larry: I think we got this.

- both: I'm ready. - jeff: I'm ready.

- marty: I'm gonna Go first, okay? - all right.

I will say, cheryl, That you are adorable.

Thank you. ( chuckles )

Susie, You dress great.

Yeah, well, That's my forte, marty.

But when I really Think about it,

- I've gotta go with My little poofer. - ( screams )

- look at the-- - ( all exclaiming )

- oh my god. - ( all laughing )

- oh my god. - oh, man.

- jeff: oh, god. - susie: that's cute.

- how about that? How about that? - marty: isn't that great?

- go go, I wanna hear yours. - cheryl: that is great.

- hold it, Hold it, hold it. - cheryl: okay.

- you're next. - all right.

I'm gonna go with...

- cha cha. - jeff: cha cha? Wow.

- susie: cha cha? Lewis's girlfriend? - jeff: yeah, cha cha.

Oh my god, I had no idea You had a thing For cha cha.

What are you talking about? I don't have a thing For cha cha.

Richard's girlfriend?

- what? - marty: that was A dumb answer.

- oh, stop it. - I mean, I had no idea

That you've been-- That you wanted to have Sex with cha cha.

I don't want To have sex with her. I'm answering the question.

- what was the question, marty? - "Who do you want To have sex with?"

- who did you put down? - susie: obviously, there's A fantasy going down.

- jeff: oh, get Me involved now. - susie: who did you say?

- who were you gonna say? - I was gonna answer susie.

- marty: good answer. - oh, god, you're both Full of shit.

- exactly. - you are full of shit.

- you are full of shit. - I love my wife.

- oh, you're all so good. - I didn't even know About cha cha.

You love your wives. Fuck you and fuck you.

Oh, you're the one That's mad. I love it.

Come on, honey. I don't care About cha cha.

I was trying To win the game.

You thought she was sexy. I thought that's what You would write down.

Cheryl, come on.

I don't-- Come on, what can I do?

What can I do? I'll do anything. Come on.

Anything?

Well, you know,

Short of adopting This hurricane family.

Cheryl: I can't wait To get to the airport

To see the family. It's so exciting.

- are you excited? - mmm.

We'll finally Get to meet them. They're gonna be so happy.

The guy on the phone Was saying how excited They were

When they got on the plane 'cause they'd never been To l.A. Before.

I can't wait to see What they look like. I know that sounds weird,

But I've been talking, You know, to them...

( car horn honks )

...And about them, You know...

Yeah. I just--

I just want to make One quick stop Before we go.

- hey. - hey.

What are you guys Doing?

What's-- What's going on?

What do you mean?

- where's everybody? - we thought there was A party.

Oh my god, you thought The party was tonight?

- yeah. - last night.

- what? - the party was Last night.

- are you kidding me? - no, man.

- that's unbelievable. What? - I can't believe it.

- we got the wrong night? - yeah, you did.

- oh, shoot. All right. - jesus christ. Holy cow.

I'm actually glad To hear this.

I was a little pissed off That you didn't call.

- oh, well, now you know Why we didn't call. - yeah.

- hey, mary. - of course we didn't call-- 'cause we were coming tonight.

- come on in. - oh, no no. We're not gonna come in.

- yeah, come in, seriously. - we got the wrong night. It's our fault.

- hey, mary. - they thought the party Was tonight.

- ( laughing ) - you're kidding.

Can you believe How stupid we are?

- all right, It's good to see you. - mary: larr.

- we'll call you later. - no way you're leaving.

This is fantastic. We have so much Leftover food.

You're gonna come in And help us eat it.

I'll call you tomorrow And we'll get together.

- we'll do the whole-- - why?

- we'll do a proper-- - I'll take you out to dinner. I'm paying.

Hey, larr, You don't have Any plans,

You're supposed To be here, You're here.

Come on in. Come in, cheryl. It'll be fun.

Well...

This'll be fun. We've got leftovers. We'll make an omelet.

- sure. Oh yeah. - you guys, we can't-- We can't--

It'll be great. Come on.

- this is like pulling teeth. - ( mary and ted laugh )

Come on in, You guys.

I don't know. Can you still see it?

- not like it was. - a huge cyst.

It was like-- When they got around To taking it out,

It turns out I could have almost Broken my jaw

- by just chewing on ice. - cheryl: oh my gosh.

- it got all the way Down into here. - but the dentist

Really undersold The magnitude of it, I think.

- oh, completely. - 'cause you thought It would be nothing.

- ever had any Operations like that? - no, huh-uh.

Ted and larry: Hmm.

- this is nice. - yeah.

So what's going on With you guys?

- eh, not much, not much. - nothing.

You know something? You're behaving like

- you don't want To be here, larry. - no.

- what? - mary: you want to be here, Don't you, larr?

Absolutely. That's crazy. Of course I want To be here.

- I just feel I'm Intruding, that's all. - we are intruding.

I was raised Not to intrude On people.

My mother Would be horrified-- Horrified if she knew

That I was sitting In the living room

The night After a big party Just took place--

Horrified. And it's bothering me.

Oh my god, You know what?

I left the car Running.

- no, you didn't. - how did you know I didn't?

If you walk away From the car, it's on, And you got

Your car keys In your hand, it goes "Beep beep beep beep beep."

No, it doesn't go "Beep beep beep Beep beep."

Yeah, it does go "Beep beep beep Beep beep," larry.

- I have one too. - really?

- do you want to make A little side bet? - yeah.

- how much? - 500 bucks.

- okay, 500 bucks? - yeah.

- okay, yeah, you're on. - all right, great.

Okay, I'm gonna go Check the car.

You check the car. You stay where you are.

- she can do Anything she wants. - no no.

( knocks on door )

I'll get it. This is ridiculous.

Teddy, we're late. We're sorry. You know cha cha, right?

- I do. Hi, cha cha. Nice to see you. - hi.

Richard: What's with the no-valet For the party?

You need some dough?

Yeah, see, You made a mistake.

You think that the party Is tonight,

But it was actually Last night.

- you're kidding, right? It's a joke? - no, I'm not.

- ted: so come on in And sit. - no, it's--

- it's embarrassing. - no no, it's not Embarrassing.

You know, larry and cheryl Made the exact same Mistake you did.

- come on in. - cheryl and mary: hi.

- richard: mary, cheryl. - ted: you won't Believe this:

They made The exact same mistake You did, larry.

They thought The party was tonight. Interesting.

( laughs ) Yeah, it is Interesting.

Can I get You guys a drink? You want a drink, richard?

Uh, I'm a recovering Alcoholic.

Oh, right. I forgot that. He's an alcoholic.

- okay, you want something? - hi, cheryl, mary.

- remember cha cha? - can I talk to you For a second?

- mary: hey, cha cha. - what are you doing?

What did you steal My thing for?

- what thing? - showing-up-on-the-wrong- Night thing.

What, do you have A fucking copyright on This stupid little thing?

You're making A fool out of me. He's onto me now.

You think you're Making a fool of-- I'm being made a--

I got 35 calls.

Don't ever say to anyone You want to have sex With my girlf--

I didn't say-- We were playing "The newlywed game."

What does that have to do with "I want to have intercourse With cha cha"?

I wanted to win the game. Do you even know what I'm talking about?

Okay, you know what?

I can't stay In the same house as him. We're gonna go. Come on.

No no no, You know what? I should go.

- no no no, I'm going. - no no, I'm going.

- no no! - no no, I don't think You understand.

- I have to go. - no, I'm going. You stay.

- no, you stay. - you stay.

- you stay. You stay. - you stay. You stay.

- ted. - cheryl: sorry. Thank you for everything.

- so lovely. - bye-bye.

Good night.

Come on, schmohawk!

Cheryl: Oh, larry.

Uh... Hey.

Oh, gosh.

Look at them.

Hi.

Are you waiting For the davids By any chance?

- yes. - you are?

- wake up, baby. Wake up, auntie rae. - oh my goodness.

- we're so sorry We're late, so sorry. - things happen, they do.

Well, you know, Traffic--

You'll see, In los angeles It's terrible.

- I'm loretta black. - hi. Larry.

Cheryl.

- this is my auntie rae. - hello, I'm larry.

- these are my kids, Keysha and daryl. - keysha and daryl.

So let me see, Your last name Is black?

- yes. - mm-hmm.

It's like if my Last name was jew,

Like larry jew--

'cause I'm jewish.

Well, we really Do appreciate y'all Letting us stay with you.

- we really do. We appreciate it. - we really do.

- no, I was just saying, 'cause you're black... - larry, grab--

- it's not too heavy For you, is it? - no no.

- get that-- - and I'm jewish.

Thank you so much. We really do Appreciate it.

- it's not too heavy For you, is it, larry? - no.

Thank you, Thank you.

Okay, say your last name Was gentile...

- come on in. - ooh, would you look At that?

- this is nice. - this is real nice.

Oh, yes. My goodness.

And spacious too. I mean, just--

What do you think, huh? Isn't it something? You like it?

It's a swank place You got here, larry, Very swank.

- thank you, sweetheart. - oh, auntie rae.

Go go, you go Take a look around.

- go ahead. - oh, thank you. Go on, babies.

- don't touch anything. - yeah, I thank you, I thank you.

Mm mm! This is A nice place.

Fixtures going All along the staircase--

Ooh-ee! I can't believe this.

- we don't smoke in the house. - them curtains-- Just fabulous.

- and the couches-- They so fluffy! - cigarette... Smoking...

- y'all got nice taste. - thank you.

- where's the kitchen at? - it's right around there.

- I'm going. I'm going. - ( chattering )

- this is so great. - she's smoking.

They're so great.

Oh, you know What we should do? Let's have a party.

Let's have a party And invite our friends So they can meet the blacks.

- a party? - hey, you guys want To have a party?

- ( guests exclaiming ) - yeah, loretta?

What? A party?

- we're having a big party. - uh-huh. You need a cake?

We do. A chocolate Layered cake.

We want to get The same one

That marty funkhouser Gets.

Oh, yes. He's actually ordered it A couple of times.

- cheryl: yeah. - I have one

That I just Prepared recently.

I think it was The best cake We've ever had.

- unbelievable. - we can't stop Talking about it.

It is one of our Most popular cakes.

- cheryl: I can understand why. - yes, and here he is.

- that's a penis. - yeah, well, we're An erotic bakery.

Oh my god.

This is where marty Buys his cakes?

- I ate that? - yes, you ate this cake.

Funkhouser-- He knowingly Served us penis.

- what is wrong With that guy? - let's go.

- what an idiot. - thank you. This is crazy--

- a crotch. - the cake is delicious, By the way.

Thank you Very much, sir.

- ( soft jazz music playing ) - ( people chattering )

- I'll tell you, It was something else. - she's right.

It was one of the scariest Things I've ever experienced In my lifetime.

- we are lucky we got Out of there alive. - yes, we are.

- I want you to meet These guys. - okay.

I hope We're not too rude, But we showed up

- the night of the party. - good one.

- yeah. - yeah.

Let me ask you A question.

How come You didn't tell me That I was eating

- a black penis The other night? - you mean the cake?

Yeah.

Well, I told you It was a black log cake.

Yeah, still,

I was eating A black penis. You didn't mention it.

Well, eating a black penis Is not appetizing To everybody.

Next time You're gonna do Something like that,

Tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.

Why did you take The balls home?

I didn't know They were balls.

( richard and cha cha Conversing, giggling )

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm. Yes, it was you.

Well... Oh, boy oh boy. Hey.

- hi. - hi, cha cha.

- hi, larry. - I'm sorry about The other night.

I was just trying to win "The newlywed game" Is all.

Look, I'm over it. I'm here.

- believe me, I'm way over it. - you know...

- hey, everybody, Who wants cake? - children: I do, I do.

Oh, great great. The best cake I ever had. Come on.

...Give you A childish apology...

No, because it was My routine and--

Jeff!

Jeff, the cake! Jeff!

( insects chirping )

( muffled ) I'm--

I'm so sorry. First of all,

You have to understand Something, okay?

My friend jeff Did not know--

Did not know That there was A penis in that box

When he picked that up From the bakery.

He called in the order And they gave him the box.

He didn't look Inside the box.

How's keysha?

I finally got Her to sleep. She's upset.

Of course. Of course she's upset.

Understandable. To see a big penis Like that--

What are you gonna do? She's a little girl.

Okay, you know...

The smoking-in-the-house

I wanted to talk To you about.

( mumbling ) Um, is there any way

Maybe you would Consider

Smoking...

Outside

On occasion?

How's the cake?

- pretty good. - mmm.

Pretty... Pretty good.

You want some?

Good night.

Good night.

- where have you been? - ate some penis.

( groans )

( alarm beeps )

( alarm stops )

So what are we Gonna do now, l.D.?

Larry: Maybe some family Will adopt us.

Holy moly.

What happened?

- a fire. - oh my god.

( radio chatter )

What are you Doing here?

- oh, I'm here For the party. - the party?

The party was Yesterday.

What?

Yesterday. The party was yesterday.

Oh, you're kidding me.

( theme music playing )

( theme music playing )