Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

So then he goes Like this...

I go, "What is it, dad?" He goes...

( raspy ) like this. He can't talk.

He's in the hospital, The bed, you know?

( rasps )

So I lean in, And he whispers in my ear.

He says to me,

( slowly ) "You're adopted."

- he said that? - I think he said that.

Maybe he said, "You're a doctor." I don't know.

But why would he say I'm a doctor? I would know If I'm a doctor.

Why do you think He would wait until Now to tell you?

Maybe he thought He was dying.

But I'm still not 100% sure That he said it.

So basically What you're saying is,

You want me to find out If you're adopted or not.

Yes.

First, how did you Find me?

My friend said He read this big article

About you In the l.A. Magazine.

"Best best private Investigator in los angeles."

Look, mr. David,

I have to be honest With you.

My business And what I do--

What I do is I service the community.

Basicallywhat I'm saying is,

I don't see a way That you would, uh,

Be helping my community.

What about...

Calling some bingo games Or something?

You got, like, A community center For bingo?

Bingo's a distraction.

Don't underestimate bingo.

I've got extra sneakers That I don't wear anymore

- in pretty good Condition, I must say. - extra sneakers?

I'd be more than happy To donate 'em.

Mr. David, I don't think This is gonna work.

It would mean An awful lot to me.

Please please, Think about it.

If there's anything I can do to convince you,

- I would. - I can't promise anything.

What about a big brother Kind of thing?

Let me talk to some Of my community leaders

- and see exactly What the community needs-- - yeah, okay,

I'm not talking about For a long time.

Maybe for one afternoon,

To a movie or something.

Um, is that a key To the men's room?

Well, it says "Men"On it. Yes.

It's a natural question To ask.

- yes. - may I borrow the key?

- yes, you may Borrow the key. - thank you.

Okay. Thanks, mr. Jones.

- and you'll think About it? - I will.

By the way...

Love the bow-tie.

( whistling "Yankee doodle," Tapping )

( toilet flushing )

( stops whistling )

- what are you doing?! - using the bathroom.

That's my stall! Did you see the plaque On it--

Yes, I know, But somebody was using The other one, so I--

Well, then you wait!

I couldn't wait. It was an emergency. I had to go!

There's one stall for me, And you're in it!

If you were here, I would have given you First dibs.

But honestly, I haven't seen A handicapped person In the bathroom,

Maybe ever. So I thought I could Perhaps take my chances.

"A handicapped person"?

That's nice. Oh, that's nice!

- it's called disabled. Disabled. - disabled?

Well, that doesn't Sound so hot.

I don't really care what it Sounds like to you, okay? It's disabled.

I think I would prefer Handicapped.

God, you know How archaic that word is? "A handicapped person"!

That's demeaning, Don't you know?

- I'm a disabled person. - oh, sorry.

- ( mocking ) You're sorry. - oh, sorry.

Now you've Learned a lesson. Please, don't ever go

- in my stall again! All right? - fine, okay.

- thanks so much! - you're welcome.

- I appreciate it. - you're welcome.

Douche-bag.

So you think He's a muslim?

- he had the bow-tie. - huh?

Do black men Who aren't muslims Ever wear bow-ties?

- I haven't seen it. - it'd be interesting To find that out.

- I'm surprised You didn't ask him. - yeah, me too.

I mean, you know, I don't care either way, I'm just curious.

Well, I'll tell you something, That I think he's a muslim.

( quietly ) Hey, that's A handicapped spot.

Wh-wh-what?

What's with the walking?

( stuttering ) Fuck you!

I have a stutter!

Yeah, but you can walk.

( stuttering ) Look at my license plate!

I have permission,

You fucking prick!

Oh hey...

We got a dog.

Really? Why?

- she wanted a dog. - you have to walk it And everything?

- I'm sure I'll wind up Doing stuff. - oh, definitely.

I know, yeah, But you know what? It's kind of cute.

- larry! - I kind of like it. Hi!

- hi! - jodi!

- how are you? - great, great.

- so good to see you! - great to see you.

- hi jodi. - hi.

- how are you doing? - how are you doing, Ms. Jodi funkhouser?

( laughs )

- so what's going on? - nothing.

- seeking attention, Getting rejected. - ( laughs )

- are those new glasses? - no, but I cleaned them.

You're so funny!

- I'm here with my dad. - oh yeah?

Are you coming To my parents' 25th anniversary party?

I am.

- oh. Are you? - eh...

It'll be fun, really. Think about it.

I'm not gonna Think about it, But whatever.

- I really hope you come. - well, thanks.

- it's so good to see you. - good to see you.

- wow, great to see you. - yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, Is it my imagination?

Does she like you That much or does she Dislike me that much?

Oh, lesbians love me. They love me.

- how is that? - well, when I first Got to l.A.

You remember-- You know patty, My friend patty.

- patty, yeah. - well, she's a lesbian.

- yes. - you know, so, obviously,

They talk amongst themselves, And the word got out

That I'm a friend O' lesbians.

- ( exclaims ) You're a friend o' lesbians! - yes, they know that.

So the community Has completely embraced you.

Totally embraced me. Completely.

More so than any other Community.

Including jews.

- ready? This way. - hi, two. Yeah.

( slow piano music Playing )

Oh, jeez.

The men's room key From the private Investigator's office.

I forgot To bring it back.

- I'm always doing that. - hey,

Check out The bow-tie here.

It's a smart look.

I think I'm gonna Get me one of those.

You know what? You oughtta try Wearing a bow-tie.

- it'd be a good look For you. Hi! - hi.

- how are you doing? How are you doing? - great!

Hey, thanks for sending The invite back.

- oh, sure. I'm excited. - we're gonna have a blast.

- it's gonna be-- Are you coming? - eh...

- tell me you're coming. Please. - I don't know.

25 years of marriage!

- rosie's coming. - rosie o'donnell?

And I have Larry david's place card Right next to hers.

- really? You're Sitting me next to her? - right next to her.

- you know rosie o'donnell? - I know her from new york.

- we used to hang out Together doing comedy. - you'll have a great time.

- just send The invitation back, okay? - oh, thank you.

- I'll see you guys there. I'm excited. - by the way,

- jodie's really looking good. - she does look great.

- doesn't she look great? - oh, thanks a lot, yeah.

She's dating a guy. I think it's serious.

She's dating a guy?!

( chuckles ) Yeah, she's no longer gay.

( laughs ) What? You're kidding!

That's fantastic!

Congratulations! Good for you.

She's not a lesbian Anymore.

Oh my god. Good going.

All right, I'll see you, uh, soon.

Yeah, I'll see you At the party.

Larry, we need to talk.

It's over?

What's over?

The marriage.

Why would our marriage Be over?

You said,

"We need to talk."

Yeah, we need to talk about Marty funkhouser's party!

( chuckles ) Oh, okay. I thought--

- eh, forget it. - no no no, what did You think?

Well, you know, you said, "We need to talk."

Generally, When couples break up,

That's how they Introduce it, you know, "We need to talk."

- so I just thought it was-- - well, why would you--

Why would you Even think that?

Well, because women Have broken up with me Many times,

And they've always Introduced it with "We need to talk."

So I'm just Sort of conditioned For that response.

And when women Broke up with you,

Did you light up Like that?

Light up?

- yeah. - did I light up?

( imitates ) "Oh, it's over?"

You know, It could have been A defense mechanism.

That's how I react to things. I go the other way,

So I don't get hurt. I protect myself.

You understand. So what about the party? Marty funkhouser's party--

Have you been thinking About this for a while?

No! Not at all! No, of course not.

So what about The funkhouser party?

Well, I wanted to know If we're going or not.

I need to send in The rsvp and--

I wasn't going, and now I've changed my mind.

Rosie o'donnell's Gonna be there.

Our table.

And you know what else?

I might wear a bow-tie.

- what do you think of that? - you're gonna wear a bow-tie?

- are you loving that? Is that fantastic? - ( knocking )

How about that For an idea, huh?

I, well--

You're gonna love it.

- well, look who's here. - wanda!

- look who's here. - how are you doing?

Welcome! This is our new house.

- what do you think? - well, what do you think?

- oh, the rental house. - this is a rental.

It's just for a few months Until the renovation's done. You know.

Shit, I mean, You're renting, So I can be honest.

- cheryl: yeah, yeah. - I don't like it.

- kinda cold, like a hotel. - yeah.

A hotel? Hotels are good. You know, there's a lot Of activity

In the hotel lobby. I think that's a good thing.

Why don't you put A little bellman's cap on...

- okay, I'll put A bellman's cap on. - ...And run around.

Put a little concierge desk Over there.

- hey, wanda, let me Ask you a question. - what?

Is it wrong to assume

That a black man Wearing a bow-tie Is a muslim?

Why are you asking me Some bullshit like that?

What the fuck, larry?!

I'm not your link Into the black world, okay?

So stop asking me Shit about black people And stuff, all right?

Okay, but let me Ask you this:

Have you ever seen A black man

Wearing a bow-tie Who's not a muslim?

- who gives a fuck? - it's just something You may have observed.

- have you observed-- - larry, I don't--

- have you ever observed A black man... - larry, I don't--

...Who's not a muslim wearing A bow-tie? That's all.

You think farrakhan Went out and bought up

All the bow-ties Or something?

He's sitting there Holding on to bow-ties

And only muslims get 'em? What the fuck, larry?

You-- what-- no. I don't know.

Fair enough. Good answer.

"I don't know." I totally accept it.

- I got the dog. - that's what I want to see.

- I know, you've got To see him. Sheriff! - sheriff!

- larry: hello boy! - wanda: he's a cutie!

( growling, barking )

- what the hell-- - larry: I think It's you, wanda.

- one of y'all Wanna grab cujo? - um...

Come on, it's just wanda. It's just wanda.

I'm sorry. He's very friendly.

We're all done in there.

Just, uh, you have to wait Overnight for the--

Hey! Hey, little buddy. Come here.

Wanda: What's wrong With your dog?

I don't know. See how friendly he is?

Good dog! He probably smells my dog.

- ( growling, barking ) - repairman #1: oh!

- hey! Shit! - larry: oh my god!

- god! - hey, come on!

- ( repairman #1 laughs ) - get over here.

- what's with-- - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What did you do?

- I'm really sorry. - it's okay.

I don't know What's going on.

- I've never Seen him like this. - I'm really sorry.

- you know What's going on. - huh?

You have a racist dog!

- that dog hates Black people. - wanda.

Larry, you trained the dog To hate black people?

No, I didn't train it To hate black people.

Has it barked At any white people?

No, he's-- he's--

He hasn't barked At any white people.

Exactly. The dog is racist.

Sheriff's racist?

Sheriff?!

That's a perfect name For a racist dog.

Where did you get this dog, The klan meeting or something?

- larry picked him out At the pound. - the pound.

Sheriff the fucking dog That eats black people.

What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what,

Y'all stay here And pet your crazy-ass Racist dog,

But I am not bringing My black ass

Back up into this Fucking hotel

Until y'all get rid Of that fucking klan dog.

Got a klan dog!

Looking at me Like I'm a damn t-bone.

- cheryl: I'll call you. - aw, shut up.

- ( playing foxtrot music ) - ( people chatting )

( people conversing Loudly )

Waiter: So we have three choices.

I'm sorry, the first That we have is

A skirt steak...

( talking loudly )

Look, I can't-- I can't hear you.

I can't hear. Could you repeat that? What's that?

It's a skirt steak, sir, Or stir fry,

Uh, and that's-- ( voice drowned out )

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, could you just Keep it down a little bit?

We can't hear the waiter. We're trying to order.

- keep it down? - we're trying to hear The waiter.

I'm trying to have a good time With my family over here. Know what I mean?

I'm not keeping it down. I'm sorry,

- we need to keep it down For tucker carlson over here. - ( laughing )

"Keep it down"!

- tucker carlson? - tucker carlson.

Waiter: There's a chicken rotisserie

And a portobello Mushroom salad.

- susie: salad? - yeah, well the portobello

Is cut up Onto mixed greens.

- waiter: Are you a vegetarian? - susie: yeah, it depends.

- jeff: she is. - susie: yeah.

Waiter: so that would Sort of be the best choice. It's really good.

I'm gonna get the skirt steak. Want me to order for you?

- what do you want? - get me the chicken.

Excuse me.

Uh, I'll have The portobello, yeah.

- hey, sue. - what?

What's with the snub?

Oh, come on, larry.

You're acting Like you don't know?

What? I don't know why--

What? What did I do?

All right, let me Give you a clue, okay?

Starts with a "J" And it ends with an "I."

Jedi?

- you know-- - what?

It's jodi, okay?

Wh-what did you hear?

Well, I heard that you Just got so excited,

Like you were so happy That she wasn't with Women anymore.

- that's ridiculous. - it's not ridiculous.

- I was happy for him. - I don't know what's Happened to you.

I wasn't really happy For him, I was pretending I was happy for him.

- oh really? - but that's all. I was just pretending.

- no no no no. - no, I wasn't sincere. I wasn't sincerely excited.

- you're not Being sincere now. - no, now I'm being sincere.

You know, The lesbian community Used to revere you.

- you used to be such A liberal guy, larry. - I'm liberal.

- no, you're not liberal. - I am liberal.

Look what you look like. Look at the bow-tie.

The bow-tie-- I just tried out A bow-tie, so what?

Excuse me, excuse me. You know what? I'm sorry.

Don't even waste your time Talking to this man.

This man is a racist.

He has a racist dog.

He has a dog That attacks black people.

Okay, I do-- The dog is racist.

- but I didn't train Him to be racist. - larry, forget about it.

How do you know that?

Because we talk, larry.

Are you having fun Or what?

What did you tell jodi?

I told her You were just maybe A little overjoyous

At the fact that she Was dating a boy.

- that's all I said. - all the lesbians Hate me now.

- oh, so it's my fault? - yes it is!

- you celebrated! - I was pretending to be happy For your benefit.

- I don't need benefit! - you need benefit!

- what do I Need benefit for? - you need benefit.

I'm happy if jodi's happy.

- you're overblowing This whole thing. - I don't think so.

- we're at a party. - I don't like being Snubbed by lesbians.

- it's their prerogative. - I'm their biggest supporter.

- you're their biggest Supporter? - yes I am!

Well, they're in trouble then.

By the way, Where's rosie o'donnell?

She's not here yet.

Sure you invited her?

She'll be here.

- when? - soon.

Okay.

Dan, danny, Come over here. I want you to meet somebody.

This is jodi's new boyfriend. This is larry david.

- hi, how are you? - how are you doing?

- have a good time. - ( chuckles ) okay.

Hey, by the way, You and jodi--

- fantastic, great news. - yeah, yeah.

- pretty good. - yes it is indeed.

Pretty, pretty,

Pretty, pretty good.

- yeah. - terrific.

And to have to overcome

The whole situation,

The whole sexual thing, You know?

Oh. Oh, there's nothing To overcome, really.

Well, you know, The fact that she's been With women before you.

- I know-- - I'd be really Intimidated by that,

- because, you know, We really-- - intimidated?

Well, because we don't know What we're doing

As much as the women know. You know, it's their Equipment.

They own the equipment, So they know what to do With it.

You know what's Going on down there?

- I don't have any idea. - I'd like to think I do.

That whole area is so Mysterious to me, you know?

- I'm just saying it's-- - well, I mean--

( chuckles ) I'd be intimidated, I know that.

Yeah.

I always wondered, Do you walk around in Your bikini at home?

- the way he talks, You'd think that he's got-- - hey.

I think I want To go home.

Let's go home.

No, we haven't even Had dessert yet.

So what? We don't need dessert. Come on.

Well, it's rude. You stay for dessert.

- then you can go. - so what, dessert? It's no big deal.

- we can just go. Come on. - why do you want to go home?

I need to use The bathroom.

- so go use the bathroom. - I don't want to use This bathroom.

- I want my own-- - why?

This project demands I get back to my base.

I need my base.

- we're not going home-- - jeff: what's the matter?

- larry wants to go home... - what--

To use the bathroom. It's like--

Cheryl, you need to tell The whole table?

- why don't you make An announcement? - hold on here.

You've never done That with me at lunch? It's the craziest thing.

It's ridiculous. He can use this bathroom.

- that's what everybody-- - you're a gentile.

You'll go in The middle of fifth avenue. It's different for jews.

- no, you're at an affair. - what?

You cannot leave An affair before The dessert is served.

What is this dessert thing? We don't have to leave after.

- we can leave before dessert. - jeff: better to leave after.

No, you do not leave Before dessert.

Who made this up? Where's this rule?

Everybody here seems To know, but the rules Don't apply to you?

What am I supposed to do? Sit here for four hours

- and be uncomfortable? - should I go clean it for you Before you go in there?

- it's not even The cleanliness. - okay, just go.

- it's not a cleanliness issue. - we don't need to talk About your bathroom--

- so just go. - you're the one Who's telling everybody

- in the whole place! - just go!

Hey, where do you Think you're going, pal? What are you doing?

( stuttering ) I'm going to the bathroom.

- that's a handicapped stall. - we're waiting in line.

( stuttering ) I have a stutter,

You pricks!

Stutter my ass! That's for people Who can't walk.

Oh, all right, fine, okay.

Oh, your stutter's gone, Jackass!

- give me a fucking Break, asshole. - stupid ass.

Larry: All right, that sounds good.

All right, I'll see you In about 10-15 minutes.

All right, great. Hey.

- I'll see you In a few hours. - huh? Few hours?

- yeah. - where are you going?

- I'm meeting julie. - ( phone rings )

- don't forget To take the dog out. - hello.

Out? What do you mean? Out for a walk Or out with me?

Jones: Hello, mr. David.

- this is omar jones. - oh, hi.

I gotta tell you, mr. David, I was thinking about Taking the case,

But I got a distressing Call today

About your behavior Last night at the banquet.

What are you Talking about?

According to one Of the brothers, you said,

"Keep it down."

No no, all that happened was I was trying to order

And I couldn't hear The waiter because some Of your brothers

Were making too much noise At the next table, that's all.

How do you even know About this?

We talk, mr. David. We talk.

- huh. - and what about My bathroom key?

I'm really sorry about that. I'm returning it today, I promise.

Well, like I said, I'm gonna have to think About it.

Thank you.

( barks )

- ( barks ) - ( screams )

How was everything?

- pretty good. - great.

Do you want coffee, Dessert, on the house?

- on the house? - yeah.

I'll have a cupcake.

- yeah, I'll take A dessert on the house. - okay.

- fabulous. Thank you. - are those new glasses?

- no, I just cleaned them. - ( laughs )

It's nice To have you back, larry.

You, my friend, are back In the lesbian bosom.

( waltz playing loudly )

Wow.

- I'm back. - you are back.

By the looks of things, Better than ever.

But what-- I wonder What turned it around.

Oh dear. Uh-oh.

What?

- what does funkhouser want? - I don't know.

I'll be right back. How did he even know I was here?

What did you say to dan?

What did I-- Hello, boy.

- did you meet Sheriff, my dog? - no, I didn't.

I said, "Dan, This is larry david." Then I left you.

- and I said hi, I said hello. - yeah, yeah.

- I said, "Hi, dan." - yeah, what else?

You know, A little small talk, "Hi, how are you doing?

- where are you from?" And all that. - that's it?

And then, what did I say? I said,

"It must be hard, As a guy, to follow--"

Why didn't you just say, "Hello, I'm larry.

- nice to meet you"? - I said that after hi. I said hi, then I said that.

- what is wrong with you? - problem?

Yeah, problem. Now she's back with a woman.

No wonder why They're all being So nice to me in there.

They're all smiling at me. Of course, it makes Perfect sense.

- I want to say Something else. - uh-huh.

You left my party Before dessert!

How can you do that?!

It's not proper etiquette!

I don't subscribe To the wait-for-dessert rule

Before you can leave a party.

Yeah, no one cares What you subscribe to, okay?

We were trying to recreate What happened 25 years ago,

And I said, "Larry, would you like To make a toast?"

And someone said, "Larry went home To take a shit."

Ah.

You stay here. Okay, boy?

You stay, sheriff.

- hey! - hey, larry.

- hey, hi! - how are you?

- great. - good to see you.

Hey, by the way, I don't know

If you heard anything About what's been Going on--

- oh, come on, I heard. Right? I'm in the loop. - yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.

It's all right, though. I don't think you should

Worry about it. Just-- It's all good now.

You know, what happened That day was

I just got a Little excited, But not--

Hey hey hey hey, larr. I stood up at the meeting,

I told everybody, "I know the guy."

I vouched for you. You're all right.

- you're something, You know that? - come on, come on!

- it all worked out, right? - it's great.

- listen, she's happy, We're happy, you know? - fantastic.

She's back on the team. Everything's good. Don't even think about it.

- fantastic. - all right.

- hey. - yeah.

You know, we missed you At funkhouser's party.

The what?

Marty funkhouser's 25th anniversary party.

- oh, jodi's dad? - yeah.

Yeah, I don't really Know him. No.

- you weren't invited to that? - nope, no no no.

Was it good? Did you go?

- yeah, yeah, I went. - yeah, it was good?

And don't worry About that other thing.

I just want you to know, Gone, like it never happened.

- okay? Like it Never happened. - thanks, sweetheart.

- all the lesbians love you. - okay, love you.

- I love you back. - love you.

I love you. Everyone loves you. All of us.

( eastern music playing )

( knocks on door )

You a a muslim!

Go, pray, pray.

( sighs )

Let me ask you something.

Are brothers and sisters A little overly sensitive

To being told To keep it down?

Because I know in the movies You guys tend to make

A lot of noise sometimes. Am I right?

'cause that's kind of What happened at the party.

- ( sighs ) - what, did I--

No, go back.

Did I interrupt The praying? I'm sorry.

- don't worry about it. - all right.

- listen, mr. David-- - look at the way you Fold that up.

It's like a yoga mat, huh?

I just want you to know

That muslims are A very forgiving people.

They are?

- yes we are. We're very forgiving. - really? Huh.

- well, it's true. - there's a lot

Of meshugana muslims, Though, running around, Are there not?

Being that we are A forgiving people, I have decided

To take on your case.

But I'm gonna have To charge you

A higher rate Than I charge most people.

Well, whatever you have To do.

- you're gonna take the case? - I'm gonna take the case.

- thank you so much. - you're welcome.

Do muslims shake?

- yes, we do. - you do?

- yes, we do. - great.

To tell you the truth,

I'm very excited About this.

The whole adoption thing--

I mean, this could be A huge thing for me.

All right, mr. David.

Oh, guess what.

Bathroom key.

You know what?

I gotta go again. I'm so sorry.

- all right. - ( door opens and closes )

Well, looky here!

Look what's doing here!

Aren't you supposed To be in here?

It seems to me you're Using the wrong toilet.

Somebody was in there. I had to use the normal one.

Really? First of all,

We don't like To be referred to As "Normal," okay?

We're "Able-bodied." "Able-bodied," not "Normal."

That's like from the '80s. Who doesn't know that?

I had to go To the bathroom. Somebody was in there.

Well, then you wait.

You wait.

All right, sheriff!

Okay, good boy! Good boy.

Mr. David.

My bathroom key.

( ominous music playing )

Hey, nice dog.

( screams ) No, don't!

I love dogs. I have a couple of my own.

All right, Just give me my key.

Oh, I can't believe I forgot.

Hopefully we Won't have to keep going Through the same thing.

I'm sorry. Won't happen again. Won't happen again.

- nice dog. - thank you. Good to see you.

Hey!

Good boy, good boy! Yeah!

Rosie: Oh, look!

You got yourself A doggie!

( growls, barking )

- sorry. - ( theme music playing )