Original subtitles

Captions made possible by Home box office, inc.

Don't know why I ever Married this man,

What a schmuck.

Shlomo !

What is taking you So long, my god !

What the hell are you doing, Get out here !

You are such schmuck, Can't you do anything right ?

Is it so hard To keep this with that ?

Putz.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about that.

Have a good day.

Larry, hmm ?

How are you, anna ?

Oh, I'm just Never been better.

So what could I do For you, my friend ?

Well, got A little suit here.

Uh, needs a cleaning,

My wife and I are Renewing our vows.

10 years we've Been married.

Oy.

Wow.

I bet you make her A very happy.

No, she's the most miserable Woman in the world, believe me.

You're pretty fit, Larry.

How you stay so fit, What do you do ?

I run away from hoodlums, You know, keeps you in shape.

( chuckling )

So what do you think, You can get this, uh...

Get this done For me for, uh...

Oh, I need it by,

Oh no, I got that Dinner party,

Tomorrow ?

You can have whatever You like, larry.

So, do I need A ticket or anything ?

I know you, larry.

You don't need No ticket.

Okay.

( singing 'el-kelonenu hebrew )

Larry.

Rabbi.

We got a canter already, It's okay, though.

What, you got, Can I be the new canter ?

I think I can do it.

Can you do it ?

I think I could.

So, you ready For the big day ?

I'm all ready For saturday,

I want to thank you For doing this.

It's a pleasure, It's a pleasure.

Yes.

It should be completely Painless, I promise.

Okay.

Looking forward to it.

Is that you ?

That's, uh, That's eddie silverman.

He's my, uh, Brother-in-law.

He, uh...

He died on September 11th.

Oh my gosh, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, terrible.

He was In the building ?

No, no, he was uptown On 57th street.

He got hit by A bike messenger.

It's awful.

Uptown ?

Yeah, yeah.

Bike messenger hit him.

Hmm.

What a shame.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's, uh...

Yeah ? Hey, rabbi ?

Um, can I discuss a, uh...

Private matter With you ?

Please, anything, I'm a rabbi,

Tell me anything You want to say.

Well, 10 years ago Before we got married.

My wife told me that if we Stayed together for 10 years,

That for our 10th anniversary, As a present to me,

She would let me have Relations with another woman.

Just one time.

And, this is like, This is a gift to you ?

It's, like, I have total Permission to do it.

Yeah ?

She's almost kind of Challenging me in a way.

In a kind of demeaning way, She doesn't think I'm,

You know, Suave enough.

Oh really ?

And I want to, it's the only Opportunity I'll ever have

For the rest Of my life.

I've never cheated on her, I never would cheat.

This is all On the up and up.

So you're conflicted About it ?

Yes, yet I kind of, You know, I'll be honest,

It would be nice.

You know what comes To my mind, larry ?

What comes to my mind is The story of abraham and sarah.

Sarah could not conceive, And sarah said to abraham,

You know, go into Your handmaiden,

You know, hagar, And have relations with her.

Abraham's wife Said that to him ?

Yeah, absolutely.

Get the hell Outta here !

It's right there In genesis.

I think that you can look at That as a very real precedent.

And this woman's never Gonna replace your wife,

She's not gonna mean Anything, you know...

Of course not.

So, I mean, there's no Danger of that, right ?

No !

It's not an act of love Anyway, it's lust.

So, you know...

Love, I don't know what That has to do with sex ?

Yeah, well it has A lot to do, but...

Yeah, for sure.

I would say that she's giving You something out of generosity

And I think you Should probably

Accept it in that Same sense of generosity.

And I'm not a bad person If I do it ?

No, no, you're not A bad person if you do it.

Well, I'm a bad person anyway, But I'm not, uh...

I'm not an extra Bad person ?

No, it does not make you An extra bad person.

I've got to start coming To temple more often.

I'm glad I could Be helpful with this.

Thank you, Thank you so much.

You're very welcome, You're very welcome.

And I'll see you Tomorrow night for dinner ?

Oh yes, I'm looking Forward to that,

Oh listen, um, larry,

I was talking To a friend of mine,

And, uh, he's a survivor, And he would love to meet you.

Would it be possible, I mean...

For me to bring him To dinner ?

Of course !

I don't want to impose Or anything, I mean...

There's no imposition at all, You want a friend of yours,

Bring him over, That's fine.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah, it's just Gonna be my family,

That's all, It's not a big deal.

He'll be Absolutely thrilled.

Alright. Okay.

Go, enjoy.

Rabbi, thank you.

Okay.

Yes, your honor, I do admit, For the last 20 years

I've been a lying, Double-crossing, two-faced--

( distant shouting )

Just stop it, I can't stand it anymore, I can't stand it !

How's it going ?

It's not going well.

I'm trying To memorize this stuff,

They're making A racket.

I've got two weeks.

You're doing great.

I'm gonna be Humiliated.

Oh, the rabbi said he's Bringing a survivor tomorrow.

Should I have my father Bring his friend, solly ?

Who's also a survivor.

You know, the guy With the glass eye.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Remember him ?

You think that's A good idea ?

Do survivors like Seeing each other ?

Do they like to talk About old times or...

Does the sight of another Survivor depress them ?

I think you Should invite him.

Invite him.

I guess if I was a survivor,

I'd want to see somebody, You know...

You want to see somebody, You have a shared experience.

Yeah, talk about, Well, see that's the thing.

Do they want to-- I don't know.

How are your vows Coming along ?

I just haven't had that much Time to really work on it yet.

This is important To me, larry.

He whole thing's gonna Be embarrassing anyway,

You didn't tell me This was gonna be part Of the whole thing,

That I was gonna have to say This in front of people,

I thought it was...

Okay, I'm giving You a good gift.

Okay.

So this is what I have so far.

"May I always have the wisdom To look past your short comings

"And appreciate all of The goodness you possess.

"We, promise to continue loving Each other unconditionally.

"Not only throughout This lifetime,

"But after death Through all eternity.

"We stand before you--

Huh, wait a second.

What ?

What was that About eternity ?

Um, "We'll love each other, Throughout this life time,

But after death Through all eternity."

You mean this is...

This is continuing Into the afterlife ?

Yeah, that's the idea.

Do you have A problem with that ?

Well, I...

I thought this Was over at death.

I didn't know we went Into eternity together.

I, uh, isn't that What it said in...

'till death do us part, I thought it was...

Do you have a problem With eternity ?!

Well.

We finally found Each other, larry,

And we're celebrating this For all eternity.

I guess I had a different Plan for eternity, I thought...

I thought I'd be single, I guess.

I'm sorry, I'm interrupting Your single life in eternity ?

No, I just didn't Realize that...

This relationship carried Over after death, that--

Well, it does, It carries over !

So I guess I just Took that for granted.

Okay, do you not want To renew our vows, because--

No, I want to renew our vows Until, you know, I didn't--

Can we take out The eternity part ?

No.

Okay.

( cheryl ) Nice meeting you.

This is a treat, This is really a treat.

The treat is ours.

Hi.

Look at you, You look great.

You happy ?

Yeah, I'm very happy.

Did I really need to wear A suit for this, huh ?

Yes, look at everybody Is dressed up.

So what have We got going on ?

Oh yeah, you should Say hello to the rabbi,

6and, you know, Mix and mingle with people.

Larry.

Hello rabbi.

Hello. Hello.

This is colby.

Hi, larry, Nice to meet you.

Where is this survivor ?

What-- He's the survivor.

From the-- From the television show.

"Survivor."

I was over In australia.

I'm a huge fan Of "Seinfeld."

He really is.

How is jerry ?

He's good.

Yeah ?

Is he still Doing stand up ?

I just thought you two Should meet, you know,

Fellow celebrities, I thought.

Uh-huh.

Thanks again, For having me over.

No problem.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh, Say hello to my dad.

Okay.

Thanks again.

A great sense Of humor.

He looked thrilled To meet you, stunned.

It was neat.

Hey. Hi.

You're the "Survivor" guy, Right ?

Hello, solly.

Good to see you.

You too.

You have a Beautiful house.

Oh thank you, Thank you.

There's gonna Be a dinner ?

Oh, there'll be a dinner, A delicious dinner.

I like it, I like it.

Hey, solly, cheryl and I are Renewing our vows on saturday,

Why don't you come Keep my father company.

Oh, thank you, Thank you very much.

Listen, where is The other survivor ?

He's that, uh, Tall guy over there.

He's from The television show.

"Survivor" ?

Huh, what ?

So here we are in a region Of australia where,

Out of the world's 10 most deadly snakes,

Nine of them Inhabit this region.

It was harrowing.

You come across A taipan on the trail,

You get bit, you're dead, 30 minutes flat.

Oy, I'll tell you that's A very interesting story.

Let me tell you, I was In a concentration camp,

You never even suffered On minute in your life

Compared to what I went through.

Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive,

We had very little rations, No snacks.

Snacks ?

What are you Talking snacks ?

We didn't eat, Sometimes for a week,

For a month, We ate nothing ! I went from--

Don't, alright.

I mean, I couldn't even work out When I was over there.

They certainly Didn't have a gym.

A what ?! What are you...

I wore my sneakers out,

And then the next thing you know I've got a pair of flip-flops.

Flip-flops !

We slept on the ground, On the dirt, okay ?

118 degrees During the day,

98 at night With 98% humidity.

45 degrees below zero.

Did you guys Have a bathroom ?

A bathroom ?!

We didn't have one.

We had 12 people at a time Would go and shit--

Well, I'm sure You had toilet paper.

We had newspaper.

We had mosquitoes.

You see this glass eye, Huh, huh ?!

Have you even Seen the show ?

Did you ever See our show ?

It was called The holocaust ?

Look, all I know is I was damned close

To that million dollars, Alright ?

And the whole time,

Everyone's back stabbing me And undermining me,

Trying to get me Kicked off the show.

You don't know Nothing about survival !

Don't aggravate Yourself here.

I'm a survivor ! I'm a survivor !

I'm a survivor ! I'm a survivor !

I'm a surv--

Uh, somebody Get a sponge.

I don't understand, Why don't you get a sponge ?

What, I just told her to get A sponge, that's all.

( cheryl ) Are you getting Dressed, larry ?

The rabbi wants to start The ceremony by noon.

My suit's not In the dry cleaning.

I can't find it.

What are you Talking about ?

It's not there.

I mean, the guy gave me Everything that we had in there.

She wasn't there ?

No, it was The husband was working.

Oh, okay, no wonder why, She doesn't give me a ticket.

She doesn't Give you a ticket ?

You know, she knows me, I go in there a lot.

I go in there a lot, She gives me a ticket.

Well then, just wear Your black suit, okay ?

Well, I got this new suit Just for this occasion.

You shouldn't have made me Wear it to the dinner party.

Oh my god.

Larry, I don't know What to tell you ?

If they're closed, They're closed.

You know what, I always See their van on o'campo.

I'll bet it's parked In front of their house.

Maybe they'll open The store for me.

Mm-hmm.

It's worth a shot.

Okay then, if that's What you're gonna do,

You need to go now, Alright ?

And if not, I'll wear The black one.

You'll wear The black one.

6( doorbell )

Larry.

What are you Doing here ?

Well, um...

Actually I, uh...

I kind of need A bit of a favor.

I'm so sorry For disturbing you.

You would never disturb me, Even if you tried.

That's very sweet Of you, anyway...

How did you know Where I lived, larry ?

I had seen your van Parked outside before.

You've been stalking me, Haven't you, larry ?

No, not really, I just Saw the van out there.

Oh, larry.

Anyway, I'm so sorry To bother you on the sabbath,

Um, I was kind of wondering If it would possible--

( coughs )

If, um, there was any way that You could go open the store

So I can get my suit ?

Well, you know it is The sabbath, I cannot drive.

Well, we can Walk over there,

It's, uh, I can Take you piggyback.

Wow, now you're Talking, larry.

You know what, Shlomo is at shul.

Oh.

You want to come in For a drink ?

Hmm ?

Actually, you know, I really Don't have that much time.

We're renewing Our vows, and, uh...

I kind of gotta Get going.

Your vows, With your wife ?

Yes, yes.

10 years ?

Yes, yes, 10 years, Yeah, yeah.

I too have been Married for 10 years.

10 lon years.

I'll go get The keys.

( honking )

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here ?

You should be Getting ready.

I had to go Pick up my suit...

From the dry cleaners.

I had to go To her house.

The hasidim one.

Yeah, the one I was Telling you about,

She invited me in For a drink,

Then we went To the store...

We set something up.

You're kidding me !

I told her all about The 10th anniversary present,

All that, One time, it's on.

Wow !

Great !

And guess what ?

What ?

I've got The rabbi's blessing.

You talked to The rabbi about this ?

I spoke to the rabbi about it, I have his blessing.

So you gotta go get A sheet now, huh ?

What are you Talking about ?

The hassids, they have sex Through a sheet.

That's not, come on, That's a myth.

Let me tell you something, You better show up with a sheet

R you're gonna be In big trouble, trust me.

Yes. Really ?

Hey, suzie.

You forgot the cantaloupes, Where are the cantaloupes ?

Oh, forget the cantaloupe, Come here for one second.

Come here, Come here, come here.

How do the hassids Make love ?

What do you mean ?

When a hasidim make love, How do they do it ?

Oh, with the sheet You're talking about ?

Yeah.

They put in a hole in a sheet And there's... Through that.

You're kidding.

No, you didn't know that ? Everybody knows that.

I thought It was a myth.

No, it's not a myth, They cut a hole in the sheet,

The man puts the penis in, they Can't touch each other, larry.

It's a religious Thing that they do.

What do you guys talk about, This is what you talk about ?

How hassids have sex ?

No, it just came, The subject came up, It came up.

Help me with The bags, alright.

Wow.

Yeah.

How do you like that, Oh, well I gotta get a sheet.

Hey, you know what You should do,

You should spring For a satin sheet.

Really, I don't think That will be good.

I'll be sliding All over the place.

Well.

Cut it before hand, You think ?

Before hand, show up With the hole before hand,

You gotta do that.

I would think it Might be kind of fun

Cutting the hole with her, Sharing it, you know ?

( suzie ) Jeff, will you bring In the groceries ?!

I'm coming !

I'll see you later.

Alright, bye.

Larry.

Look, huh, aren't you Glad I picked it up ?

My mother is very Upset right now,

And she says she's not Coming to the ceremony.

What, why ?

Because of your Sponge comment.

Well, you want me To go talk to her ?

Yes, I do !

She was just Trying to help out.

Well, then she should've Got the sponge.

Why does she want somebody else To get the sponge ?

Oh my god.

If she's just trying to Help out, then get the sponge.

Mom.

Mom, I just want To apologize about the, uh,

You know, the whole Sponge thing.

( clearing throat )

You know, what happened That night, uh...

Because of the whole, The survivor confrontation,

It just brought up a lot Of stuff about the holocaust,

And it's kind of in my dna And I was very flummoxed by it.

Very flummoxed.

You wouldn't understand, But if you were in my religion,

What happened To my people,

Things came out that Shouldn't have been said.

And, um, I certainly Apologize for that.

Thank you.

And, even though, you know, You were kind of...

Right by the kitchen,

You were the closest one there, I thought, well...

Let's just talk about How you don't respect me.

Oh, that's not true.

I don't think you like me, And you know what ?

I like everybody.

I have--

I'm a people person, I like everybody.

I love people.

You know what ?

Let's just put this Behind us, come on.

Come on.

What is this ?

Let's go, let's go.

Let's go to ceremony, Come on.

This is crazy, It's so silly, come on.

A sponge, Yes, come on.

Next time you're Standing by the kitchen...

Get out, I'll go get my dress.

You'll get a sponge.

You're standing two feet From the kitchen,

You get the sponge Next time, so what.

( cheryl ) Come on, everybody.

( chatter )

My beautiful cheryl.

Larry.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Thanks, everybody.

It's so nice to be here, What a pleasure this is here.

Glad you're Here, solly.

Listen, wait 'til you see These two getting married,

You got a Big affair yet.

What is he doing ?

He's mimicking me.

Why are you Mimicking me ?

No, no, no, the light From your glass eye,

It's reflecting on me.

You, you go Make fun for me ?

No, no, no.

I don't like this here, I don't Want to be here, no more.

Hold it, Stop the car !

No, solly, Wait, solly.

Wait, solly, please, Don't, don't get up.

Somebody get a sponge.

( shouting )

Right, so then, I'll, uh, Do the blessing,

Uh, the last blessing.

Just a little bit Of hebrew,

And then I will put The glass on the floor

And you'll step on it And that'll be it.

That's when everybody Yells a matzo toff ?

No, no, it's, it's mazel tov, It means good luck.

Yeah, could we just say, Yippy or something ?

Or good luck, Or something.

Hallelujah, Would be good.

Can you guys just say Mazel tov, please ?

Anything else, uh ?

Um, just that the hebrew,

I mean, are we gonna Know what you're saying ?

Yeah, I'll translate it, This is very basic.

You want me To translate for you ?

We love god, God, thank you god,

Thanks god, god you're great, Oh god, oh you're wonderful,

You're amazing god, It's all god.

It's a little Overdone, but.

Well, it's a blessing, It's more about you than god.

Larry, I'm sorry, um...

You know I don't want To change the subject,

But isn't there something You can do about that stain ?

I mean, It's horrifying.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's a, uh,

It's a go home stain, But I didn't go home.

I mean, I just, it's kind of Disrespectful, you know ?

Just in terms of standing In front of the arc and...

( cheryl's mother ) Excuse me, Does anybody have a mint ?

I got a mint, It's in my pocket.

Do you want me To hand it to you ?

It's loose, It's not in a package.

What do you want to put Your hand in my pocket

And get it yourself.

You got three options,

You can do one of those Two things or you can refuse it.

There you go.

Cheryl, honey, Would you...

Reach into larry's pocket For an unwrapped mint ?

Sure, this is fine, Here, great.

Thank you, darling.

A loose mint, You got your mint.

Great.

Okay, alright, Everybody ready ?

Yeah.

Alright, Let's roll.

What, "Let's roll" ?

What did you say ?

What ?

You knew that my brother in law Died on september 11th,

How dare you say Something like that ?

With all do respect, Wasn't that just a coincidence ?

Alright, Poor choice of words.

What the hell kind of a, Oh, you know--

I don't want To do this !

Forget it, forget it.

Oh, I didn't know, That if you died uptown on 9-11

That it was part of it, Uh, of the tragedy, I...

Do I have To listen to this ?

Do I have to go on And on about this ?

I didn't know that an uptown Death on west 57th street

Was part of The tragedy.

Alright look, I don't think I want to do this.

I really don't, I mean, You look like a slob,

I don't think you're Taking it seriously...

What ?

You could've gone home With the stain...

Rabbi, you're going Very far with this, Come on, now.

We came all the way From florida for this,

And we like to just get it Over with if you don't mind.

He doesn't know What he's doing.

What do they say In the bible ?

"He knows not Where of... "

Don't try To quote the bible,

Just, don't, Don't try.

Let's quit.

Cheryl, I'll do it for you.

Thank you, I really Appreciate it.

He knows not where of he, Once he speak...

I'm sorry about Your loss.

Thank you, thank you, Come on, come on.

Alright, let's vamoose, Let's vamoose !

Let's go, Let's get out of here.

And may we continue to love Each other unconditionally,

Not only throughout This life time,

But after death Through all eternity.

That's very Moving, cheryl.

Thank you.

Okay, larry.

Uh...

I'm drawing a Blank here, rabbi.

I don't have The paper.

But, you know what, Just speak from your heart.

Just speak to cheryl, Look into her eyes,

And it'll come, The words will come.

Things have been good.

It's a very good uh, Relationship, 10 years.

Pretty good.

It's pretty, pretty...

Pretty, pretty good.

And I am your devoted servant, Well I don't know about servant,

You know, I'm not a servant, But I'll certainly help you,

If you ever need help With anything, you know that.

I'm in the house a lot,

You want to open up A bridge table or something,

You know, Whatever you need.

I'm not A great handyman,

And I'm not good At making plans,

That I don't Do very well.

I have to admit, She makes the plans, you know.

She makes good plans, We always have stuff to do,

And I will love you For the rest of my life.

'til the day I die.

I'll love you Until death.

That's a Pretty good thing.

Not that many Women have that.

Right now, 'til the day I die,

There will never be Any other woman 'til death.

And, you know, We don't, you know,

After death who knows What happens ?

Even you, You don't know what--

I promise to love you Through all eternity.

Alright, eternity.

Okay, okay, uh...

Before I pronounce you Man and wife,

It's time To break the glass.

Here we go, I'm just gonna...

( glass breaking )

Ah, god my hand !

Oh, it's bleeding, Jesus, oh, ho !

6somebody, Get a sponge.

( knocking )

Hey.

Well, it's about fucking time, Larry, my god,

I've been Waiting all day.

Come on in.

What is that ?

My suit.

I got it stained At the ceremony.

I figured as long as I'm here, I'd drop it off with you.

Drop it off With me ?

Yeah. Here ?

Well, yeah, I figured you'd Save me a trip, you know ?

Why didn't you just take it To the cleaners, larry ?

Well, I'm here, You're a cleaner.

But I'm not gonna Schlep your dirty clothes All the way there,

Why should I do that ?

Well, what's the big deal, You put it in your trunk,

You're going Right over there.

You throw it In your trunk, larry.

You take it In your fucking car,

And you go over to the cleaners, It's not a big deal,

I see you do it All the time.

Well, I figured I'd kill Two birds with one stone.

I am not going to schlep Your dirty fucking clothes

Over to the cleaners, Larry, my god !

How do you do With wine stains ?

We get them out ?

What about blood ?

Of course we get blood, We get everything,

We're very good, we're the best Cleaners around, larry.

Wine and blood ?

Wine and blood !

Alright, you got your work Cut out for with this one.

What is wrong with you ?

Alright, don't get So riled about it, It's just a favor.

I'm not so riled up.

You're going To the store anyway.

You come here To fuck ?

Or you come here to talk About your dirty suit ?

Hmm ?

Fuck or suit ?

Okay, the first one.

Well, there you go.

Let's go, I don't got all day.

So, you're not gonna Take the suit ?

Jesus christ !

Alright.

Where'd you Get the sheet ?

Linen store.

Who brings a sheet To a hotel ?

And what's it, There's a hole there ?

Yeah.

'cause your hasidic.

What, do you believe That stupid shit ?

What kind of fucking Idiot are you ?

Oh my god.

Oh shit, It's an earthquake.

Wait, larry !

Oh, geez !

Larry !

Hey, we survived.

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