Original subtitles

Captions made possible by Home box office, inc.

Thank god You stopped.

Okay, um, I'm not Even gonna get into

What's wrong with The actual choreography.

I'm gonna start with Your shoes, okay ?

I told you to get Capezio jazz oxfords.

I will get Those shoes today.

You're gonna get the shoes, but You're also gonna get the steps,

So we're gonna break It down one more time,

And just watch Only my feet.

I've been doing this Since I was seven.

My sounds are A little off.

'cause I don't really Practice that much.

Uh, you know what ?

I can do that, but not The way you're doing it.

I can go...

Why can't I Just do that ?

Because that's not The choreography !

There you go.

Okay, I'm gonna Think about this.

You move your feet

Nobody knows what's the hell Is going on down there.

Uh, dancers know, Dancers aficionados...

Hello ?

Morning, everybody.

Hey.

I'm michael.

Yeah, larry.

Michael.

Nice to meet you.

You know what ?

I helped you move.

Three years ago.

Me and richard lewis.

You were standing On the street.

You were soliciting People for help.

Huh ?

Huh ?

You ?

That was me, Me and richard lewis.

I'm seeing him For lunch later.

Larry, larry. Larry.

Oh, my god That's amazing.

What are you Doing here ?

Oh, I'm the Rehearsal pianist.

Get out.

You're kidding. Yeah.

We're gonna be working Together for a while.

This is my Girlfriend, rhonda.

Hello.

Hi, larry, Nice to meet you.

Can you believe it ?

I hooked up With a model.

Boy, you lucked out.

Hey, morning.

How's it going ?

Hey, ben, this is our, Uh, new pianist.

Hi. Michael.

How do you do ?

Ben stiller.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Michael.

This is my Girlfriend, rhonda.

Hi. Hey, ben.

Rhonda, Nice to meet you.

Hands off, She's taken.

Hey, listen, I'm having a birthday party On saturday night.

You guys are all invited To come, please, alright ?

Fantastic.

Yeah, my birthday was, Like, two weeks ago,

But we're having The party this saturday.

Well, thank you, I'd love to come.

Yeah, come along And no gifts, okay ?

No gifts.

How come you're having A party on saturday

If it was Two weeks ago ?

'cause christine Was out of town.

We couldn't get it together And it worked out this saturday.

Uh, so why even Have it all ?

Why not just forget it, Wait 'til next year.

You blew it, You know ?

Yeah, I know, I wish we Could've done it last week,

But just, we couldn't Get it together.

Should bring cheryl, You know, it'll be fun.

Kind of reminds me a little Of, like, president's day.

It's not really The president's birthday.

It's some other day, You know, what am I doing ?

You know...

Right.

We're back, everyone.

Let's start at The top of the scene.

It's a total scam.

He introduced her As a model.

She's like, completely Bullshitting this guy.

'cause he's blind.

By the way...

Thank you for Coming to meet kim.

I might've mentioned kenny, he's Old my friend in new york--

Yeah, yeah, I know.

She just moved out Here from the city.

And, uh, it's his First daughter,

And she calls me, Like, uncle richard.

I known her Since she was born.

Really ?

Oh, that's fun, Uncle richard.

Yeah, but the problem is, She's an actress.

She's a singer, She's talented,

But she wants to get Her breasts enlarged,

And it's gonna drive Kenny crazy, and...

He doesn't know About it ?

No.

He's my old friend And, uh...

I need you to help To talk her out of it.

Just, like, a breast Intervention.

How am I supposed To bring this up ?

Uh, that's okay.

I'll come up with something, That's alright.

You always think of Something, I don't know.

Is everything else Good in your life ?

Be honest with me.

Hmm ?

For the first time in over A quarter of a century,

Tell me something That's really bugging you.

I have nothing To confide.

You have experienced a hell of A lot that you have not shared.

Well, you've mentioned this To me a couple of times.

That I don't Confide in you,

And I'm telling you There's nothing to confide.

You haven't confided in me In your entire life.

How could you say Something like that ?

Hi ! Hey.

Uncle richard.

Look at you, From top to bottom.

What a doll, huh ?

Oh, baby.

This is my Fake niece, kim.

Larry david.

Larry, kim.

Hey, it is so nice To meet you.

Am I supposed to get up, I did Sort of a half get-up there.

For my niece, Fake niece...

I think a full get-up Would've, you know.

Yeah, it's the thought That counts.

Listen, you know, I hope, It's kind of weird but,

I'd really love for you To take a look at my reel,

If you wouldn't mind.

You know, I mean, I could take a look at it.

I'm not really, I'm not Doing tv right now.

That's fine, It's fine.

How you doing ?

I'm doing really, Really well, thank you.

How are you ?

You look fabulous, By the way.

Oh, why thank you.

So that anna nicole smith, She's got, uh...

Some pair knockers On her, huh ?

They're not real though, Are they ?

Huh ?

Whoa.

Hey.

Oh, what's all, What's all that ?

Look at all His gifts.

I thought you said we weren't Supposed to bring a present.

He said no gifts.

I, I don't get it.

Hey. Hello.

Let me ask You something.

Did you guys bring A gift to this thing ?

Of course. Yeah.

He said no gifts.

Nobody means that, You took that seriously ?

Of course I did, Look at all these.

Oh, what do you Got there, chicken ?

Oh, yeah, Thank you.

Uh, no, I'm fine, Thank you.

You brought Something, right ?

No, I didn't Bring anything.

He said no gifts, So I didn't bring anything.

Yeah, you're The only one ?

You guys are making me Look bad, you know that ?

Happy birthday !

Hey.

Hey, happy birthday.

Thanks for Making it.

So it's the two Of you, huh ?

Oh, yeah.

Exciting, That's great.

Up on the boards Together.

Yeah.

Figuring it out.

It's going great ?

It's going, It's going.

I think it's going Pretty good.

Yeah, It's going okay.

What should I do With this thing ?

I think a woman Will come around.

Just, you can Put it on a table.

Every time I get one of these,

I wind up holding it The whole night, you know ?

It's a lot of dancing You guys have to do.

Oh, man, Oh, it is.

I mean, I can see When larry comes home...

Is he exhausted When he comes home ?

I'm not tired.

You gotta Work on it.

You gotta work on it When you're not there,

You know what I mean.

You gotta do off-hours work, And kind of just

So you're prepared when You come into rehearsals.

It's not that I'm not Working as hard,

But it looks more Effortless maybe.

It does look Like less effort.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, it looks, Less effort, effortless.

Like an idiot, Holding the skewer.

What the hell do I do with this thing ?

We're gonna mingle.

No, you should mingle.

It's your birthday.

It's your party, you can Mingle if you want to.

Find me A skewer guy.

This is, will you Send him over ?

Throw it down, It's fine.

Yeah, relax, Larry, relax.

Bye, guys.

Alright.

Did you tell lar About my new thing ?

No, I actually didn't.

Why don't you tell larry About your new thing ?

What are you doing ?

I'm designing These shirts now,

That are selling Like fucking hotcakes.

Are you kidding ?

Interesting, whimsical, I'm telling you...

Well, good for her.

I got them out in the trunk, You want to see them ?

Not, not right now, But I'll see them.

You will, You will.

You know what ? I wanna say hello to michael.

The piano player, From the show ?

Did he say he can't See my clothes ?

( in disguised voice ) Hello.

Larry ?

Get out of here, How did you know that ?

Aw, come on, I was Doing a character.

( chuckling )

Yeah, well, I saw through it.

Listen, what are you Doing next week ?

Tuesday night, I'm doing A set at the mint.

Can you come ?

You'll enjoy it, Show tunes.

Tuesday I think I have a clan meeting.

I don't know if I'm gonna Be able to make it.

Thanks.

Hey, where's rhonda ?

She's parking the car.

Hey, listen, let me Ask you something.

Sure.

Don't you think She's beautiful ?

Eh...

Eh ?

Eh.

You don't think She's beautiful, larry ?

I don't say beautiful.

She's nice.

Huh.

She told you She was a model ?

I don't wanna Talk about it.

What's the difference What she looks like ?

You can't See her anyway.

What ?

That's one of The advantages, right ?

That and The good hearing.

Good hearing ?

What is that, A myth ?

I though blind people Had better hearing.

I don't know, larry, I've never had it tested.

Like a dog, I thought You hear like a dog.

Hey, larry.

What's going on ?

So the thing that's So great about these shirts

Is that I've got The business from the house.

And I can take care Of the baby.

Fantastic.

You know, I know.

Wait 'til you see them, You are gonna die.

Okay.

Now, is this cute ?

I mean how much fun Is this, huh ?

Great, right ?

You know, nice.

Yeah.

Not quite my cup of tea, But, you know...

It's nice.

Alright, You know what ?

Fuck you, and Fuck your tea.

What ?

Whoever said you had taste, Mr. Hushpuppy rumpled suit look.

What, it's nice.

You know, we all can't Like the same things.

Well, I'll tell you, when I showed them to ben stiller,

He happened To love them.

Right, honey ?

He went nuts for them, I have to be honest with you.

Ben liked that ?

Yeah, he has taste.

Alright, I'm sorry.

I think it's, You know, it's nice...

Stop right now.

Alright, I'm gonna get Something out of the car.

I'll be right up.

You know, They're, they're--

Ahh !

That's the next Six months of our lives.

( laughing )

Oh, man.

Yeah, I know.

This is the woman From the show, right ?

She's coming To broadway with us ?

Yeah, she plays Oula here,

And she's going with The new york company.

What's her Real name ?

Katie huffman.

You wanna meet her ?

I don't have to, I don't...

Come on.

Yeah. You know her ?

Yeah, she's nice.

Hey, katie.

Hi, ben.

How are you ?

I'm good, I'm good.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, This is larry david.

Hey, larry david.

Congratulations.

Oh, yeah, thank you, Thank you.

That's gonna be fun.

Yeah.The three of u.

I'm gonna go pee.

Oh, okay.

You know Where it is.

I do.

He's great, Isn't he ?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not really...

It's not really His birthday though, I have to say.

It was a Couple weeks ago.

You shouldn't be having A birthday party

Two weeks after Your birthday.

I mean, what's the statute Of limitations there ?

Well, why don't I have my birthday ?

My birthday Was two months ago.

I think I'll have A birthday party.

Okay.

Okay, three days, No more than that though.

No, it's not your Birthday anymore.

There's gotta be a time, There's gotta be a cut-off point

Where you can't Have birthday parties.

Are you so desperate For a party ?

That you have to have A party two weeks after ?

Wait 'til next year, You missed it.

So, boo hoo, You missed the party.

What is this ?

I've got, I'm walking Around with this skewer.

All night now.

Can't get rid Of these things.

You know ?

I don't like a kabob.

I don't know what your Feelings are about a kabob,

But I'm not A kabob guy.

Mmm.

And then, you got this stick, What do you do ?

You put it In your pocket ?

Stick yourself In the scrotum.

Then what Have you got ?

Scrotum kabob.

You know ?

Good to meet you, Larry.

Good to meet you.

Yeah.

My dog has fleas ?

No !

The guard has trees Is what I said, sammy.

What are you, Playing telephone ?

Yeah, yeah, Telephone.

Huh, maybe, uh, Maybe I'll join in.

Well, I don't see Any space, larry.

You can Take my spot.

Oh, I wouldn't Take your seat.

No, go ahead And play.

Oh, my god.

What a, what a lovely, Lovely child.

Very nice of you, Alexandra.

Okay.

Let's play A little telephone.

You got one, Honey ?

Okay.

I love tits ?

( laughing )

This is funny To you ?

It's funny to say that In a room full of children ?

What's the matter With you ?

That's what He said to me !

Dalton, what did You say to him ?

I love pigs.

I love pigs.

No, you didn't Say that.

Sammy, what did You say ?

I love pigs. I love pigs, larry.

No, but...

Your sick, perverse mind Twisted it around.

It's not funny, These are kids in here !

He, well, what did, No, you said, I...

No, he didn't.

Okay, he did Not say it.

We're gonna go sing Happy birthday.

Come on.

Why don't you tell them What you said.

You know you Didn't say that.

What did you Say to me ?!

I love pigs.

No, you didn't Say that.

So wrong, So wrong.

* happy birthday To you *

* happy birthday to you

* happy birthday, Dear ben *

* happy birthday to you

Why didn't you sing ?

Huh ?

Why weren't You singing ?

I hate the happy Birthday song.

I don't sing that.

Hey, jeff.

Come here, I wanna Show you something.

I got this huge golf tip The other day.

Really ?

Yeah, it's, like, For the backswing.

Okay, show me.

It's really working.

Um, alright, here's, This is my golf club.

It's a beautiful Golf club.

Watch this, okay.

Let's say that's The ball, okay ?

You wanna take the club and Give it back to the catcher.

Right.

Give it To the catcher.

Here watch this.

Ow !

Shit !

Oh, jesus !

Fuck !

Ow !

I can't see.

What did you do ?

God, honey.

Skewer.

You guys see how much easier It is with the right shoes ?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, and here's The other thing.

That's the rehearsal Tempo, alright ?

That's the way I taught it To you to break it down.

But it's more Like this, alright ?

( faster tempo )

Got it ?

And...

You're behind.

Keep it small.

Keep it small.

Keep your weight over The center of your.

Come on, That's too fast.

I can't do it At that tempo.

That's the tempo It is in the show.

Um, can we Take a five ?

Five minutes, Everyone.

Five minutes.

Use your time wisely.

Bullshit, That's not the tempo.

Get out of here.

I think it is.

What ?

Pretty much.

Well, I don't know how any human Could dance to that tempo.

You'd have to be flash To dance like that.

Who ?

Oh, forget it.

It's a comic book Character.

Wore the red costume.

The guy In the red costume.

I don't even know What red is.

Hm.

It's hard to talk To a blind guy.

You have No references.

I don't know comics, Larry.

What's with you ?

Oh, rhonda and I kept Fighting all night.

She keeps insisting that she's Not misrepresenting herself.

Oh, really.

You know, I'd like to tell My wife I look like brad pitt.

But unfortunately She can see.

You dig ?

You know what I'm saying ?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, ben, You're here.

Hey, steve, How you doing ?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry, man.

So sorry.

It was that skewer, That fucking skewer.

Because I couldn't get, Remember I mentioned it ?

I couldn't Get rid of it.

Yeah, I gotta Scratched retina.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

I guess that's why you were So preoccupied with that,

Why you couldn't, Uh, sing happy birthday.

Ben, I never sing Happy birthday.

It just makes me feel A little uncomfortable.

I'm a little Self-conscious singing it.

* happy birthday To you *

Stupid, stupid song.

It's a stupid song.

Right, and also, Thanks for no gift, too.

I seem to recall somebody Inviting me to a birthday party

And saying, "No gifts".

Come on, larry.

Everybody knows That's bullshit.

Yeah. Bullshit ?

How's that bullshit ?

It's bullshit, you say, No gift, so bring a gift.

Well, why'd you Even say it ?

Just, I'm just saying This as a friend.

You really have A little ways to go

When it comes to dealing With people, really.

How so ?

You don't even shake my hand The first time I see you,

You know, at the theater, You know ?

You had snot@ You'd just sneezed.

That was a Dry sneeze, larry.

It wasn't a sneeze, It was a--

I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet.

It's air coming out.

I'm not gonna put out my hand If it's full of snot.

I didn't know It was air.

I thought I saw some Little speckles flying.

I would assume you would Know me well enough to know

That I'm not gonna Give you a handful of snot To shake your hand.

And, by the way--

Sometimes you don't know Snot speckles are coming out.

I saw snot Speckles flying.

Guys, we need To start.

Yeah, please.

Top of the page, Page 31.

( piano music )

( knocking )

Hi, larry.

Hey, kim.

Good. How are you ?

So, listen, I'm sorry I didn't call,

But I was In the neighborhood,

And I just wanted To bring by my headshot

And my reel And stuff like that.

There you go.

Come on in.

Oh, thanks.

Wow, you have a Really beautiful house.

Yeah, we just Moved in.

Did you ?

Yeah, second time We've moved in two years.

That's a nightmare.

Yeah, we had to move, we had a Film crew on our block, and...

Oh, what a drag.

Listen, I've got a book I want to give to richard.

So wait here, I'll go ...

Sure, sure, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you kidding me ?

You don't notice anything Different about me ?

* da, da, da, Da, da, da *

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's it ?

That's it.

It's all done, Already ?

It's all done.

Boy, that was fast.

An hour, in and out, Done, boobs.

Genius.

Don't they Look real ?

Remember how you said they Were not gonna look real ?

Do they not Look real ?

You want To see them ?

Check them out, Check them out, look.

They're good, Right ?

Yeah, feel them, They feel totally natural.

I'm sure.

Come on, larry, Don't be so uptight.

Come here, feel them, Check them out.

They feel good, Right ?

Squeeze them, Give them a little...

She just, you know, She grabbed my hands,

And she just put Them over there.

Oh, really, Well, guess what ?

Happy anniversary.

Because that was your 10th Anniversary gift right there.

Okay, oh, no, No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, cheryl, You can't do that.

That wasn't sex.

You just had sex !

Touching a breast Is sex.

It wasn't A real breast.

Oh, really ?

It was like putting my hand On her head or something.

It was nothing.

Then why didn't you put Your hand on her head ?

'cause she didn't put My hand on her head.

She put it Over here.

I like that you can't Control your own hands.

She took my hands, And went like that.

I saw it, I saw it, larry.

That's it.

No, don't.

Why am I even Talking to you ?

Look, okay, let...

Oh, titmouse.

What ?

I just saw A titmouse.

A titmouse ?

A mouse.

Titmouse, Mouse.

Why do you call it A titmouse ?

'cause that's what you call it, A titmouse, same thing.

Who calls it that ?

A lot of people Call it that.

Oh, my god.

What ?

You are obsessed With tits.

You're feeling up Somebody's tits.

You're talking To kids about tits.

Talking to kids ?

The kid said, I love tits.

That's what The kid said to me.

What am I Supposed to do ?

Why are you talking To little boys about tits ?

He whispered it to me, It was part of the game.

Have you ever played Telephone before ?

You don't even know how To play telephone, do you ?

I do know how To play telephone.

Oh, do you ?

Yeah, but I play The g-version.

It's usually something like, Susie lives down the lane.

( phone ringing )

The kid didn't say, Susie lives down the lane.

He said, I love tits.

What ?

Oh, my god.

I'll be right over.

Alright, Sit tight.

Well, what did you do ? I don't understand.

Why did you break up With her ?

I need to be with A good-looking woman.

And since you were kind enough To point that out to me,

She had to go.

You need to be with A good-looking woman ?

Who do you Think you are ?

Look, that Doesn't matter.

I need some assistance, She was indispensable.

Don't you have Any friends ?

Yes, I have friends.

But I'm not gonna Impose on them.

I think you Should help me.

You're the one who Got me into this mess.

I need a little help.

Thanks a lot, larry.

Just, grab it This way.

You don't have To get in between.

We're not A gay couple.

( music )

Hey.

Hey.

What's doing ?

Nothing.

Um, I actually wanna buy One of those, uh, shirts.

Yeah ?

Yeah, you know, The stud sweatshirts.

Yeah, those are great.

Yeah, I need To buy one for ben.

Oh.

'cause, uh, susie Said he liked it, right ?

How's ben doing ?

The eye is okay.

The eye is not The problem.

The problem, was that I didn't sing happy birthday.

He's mad at you For that ?

I don't sing The happy birthday song.

Well, I never see you sing The happy birthday song.

It's a stupid song, I don't like it.

Well, you're entitled.

I was right about Those sticks, though.

I looked around at That party at one point.

I saw five people Holding sticks.

I did.

I was checking.

Can't just lay it down, Like, on a table ?

It's gross.

You can't put that Down on a table.

You have to wait for A server to come by.

Do me a favor.

Yeah.

Get the shirt.

Do not say it's for ben, Say it's for you.

She's all pissed off about The other night, you know...

Fine, yeah, okay.

Susie !

What the fuck Do you want, larry ?

Well, you know what ?

I would love to buy One of those shirts.

Oh, yeah, right.

No, seriously.

It's, like, you go to a movie And it kind of stays with you.

A good movie, You know what I mean ?

And so, uh, I don't know.

I feel like, I'm, why am I Thinking about the shirt ?

I, I, I Want the shirt.

Really ?

Yes.

They're great shirts.

Well, I know They're great shirts.

You know they're Great shirts.

No, you know what ?

Because the shirt Was talking to me,

And I need A little more flair.

I don't have Any flair.

That is true, alright, I have them in the trunk.

Really ?

Yeah.

We'll pick out a color, You know, lar, it's, like,

You're making me Very happy now.

Well.

Okay, I think the red Would look good on you.

'cause you're kind of Pale and pasty,

And this is a great color, The red, it's fun.

What are you saying, Pale and pasty for ?

Well, you are, you're not One from the sunshine.

I play golf.

I'm out, I get sun.

Alright, larry, I just think The red is a good color.

I have blue, I have green.

The red, I'll take The red, yeah.

But the red Is good for you.

It's, like, I look at them...

Indiana. You know, I had a friend who's,

Who's sister went There years ago.

So there you go, It's perfect.

I don't think I have a bag.

Let me go in the house, And I'll get you something.

That's alright, I don't need A bag, I'll just take it.

Alright, fine, You made me happy, larry.

Alright, what is it, 60 bucks ?

It's 100 bucks, darling, What are you crazy ?

No, you know, lar ?

Me to you.

Get out of here.

No, don't, no, I will Not take your money.

Your money's no Good here, darling.

All is forgiven, honey.

Alright.

Da, dum, da, da, Da, da, da, da, da.

Perfect.

Great.

You get everything The first time.

No, no, no, I've been drilling That thing for two hours.

Well, see, you do your Homework, which is good.

Yeah, well, I do.

Okay, they're Over there.

Right there, Turn around.

Right over there.

Hey. Hey.

Straight.

I got it.

Hi ya you doin' ?

Listen, I wanna Say something.

Happy birthday.

Oh, alright, This is ridiculous.

You don't have To do that, larry.

I know I didn't have to, But I wanted to.

I'm sorry.

Let me just say, I'm sorry.

Really, no, no, no.

I've been, like, Stressed out of my mind.

Listen, I stabbed you In the eye, man.

No, no, no, No, no, no, no.

I've been crazed about This thing,

And getting into your space, and I shouldn't get into your space.

You're doing what you're doing, I'm doing what I'm doing.

We're working together, We're gonna make it work.

And I'm sorry, okay ?

Well, I'm sorry too.

Okay, well, let's just, Let's be friends, okay ?

Alright.

And you didn't have To get me a gift.

I'm sorry.

What is this ?

Open it up !

Oh, you got me A gift.

I knew you Liked it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It's one of those, it's a Sweatshirt with studs on it.

Yeah.

Indiana.

These are the ones That susie...

Yes, I know.

That's right.

She told me how much You liked them.

Oh, I love these.

She said you, you like Flipped out over them.

So I thought, uh, You know, I,

I thought it was Like a perfect gift.

Like a fun Sweatshirt.

Well...

Well, happy birthday.

Thank you, thank you.

Okay.

Alright.

High five.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Okay, guys, let's get started, Uh, top of scene three.

Alright.

Better get a script.

Not off Book yet ?

Huh ?

Uh, not on this scene, Not on this scene.

Larry, you enter From stage left.

Is that my left,

Or if I'm sitting In the audience my left ?

Which...

It's your left, Right now.

Okay, so that way.

I always get Those mixed up.

That's very hard.

Leo !

Leo !

( piano music )

* everything Has its season *

* everything Has its time *

* show me a reason, And I'll soon show you a rhyme *

* cats fit on The window sill *

* children Fit in the snow *

* why do I feel I don't fit in, Anywhere I go *

* rivers belong Where they can ramble *

* eagles belong Where they can fly *

* I've got to be where My spirit can run free *

* gotta find My corner *

* now's our inning, Stand the world on its ear *

* set it spinning, That'll be just the beginning *

* turn it up

* like a light

* we've got nothing To hit but the heights *

Okay, let's go.

Come on, right After this song.

Oh, my gosh, I can't take anymore.

Come on, It's gypsy.

I'll be outside.

* just you wait

* that lucky star I talk about is due *

* due

* honey, everything's Coming up roses... *

* for me and for you

Thank you, Thank you very much.

Captions copyright 2003 Home box office, inc.

Captioned by Hbo communications center

Your hand,