Original subtitles

Police radio: TOODY, COME IN. GIVE ME YOUR LOCATION.

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?!

( whistling )

( meows )

( squawks )

NO, NO, NO, NO--

NOT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, LITTLE BUDDY.

NOW, COME ON-- GET ALONG.

¶ OH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN BROOKLYN ¶

¶ ANOTHER DAY OF PARADISE HERE IN THE 53rd ¶

¶ ANOTHER PERFECT DAY IN THE BOROUGH BY THE BAY ¶

¶ THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE FOR ME ¶

¶ THAN IN THE SHADOW OF THE B.Q.E. ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY

¶ WE LOVE YOU

WHAT CAN I SAY?

YO! YO, GUNTHER!

Woman: ¶ BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG

¶ THERE WAS MAYHEM ON THE BEAT ¶

¶ THERE WAS PUNKS, BUMS, THUGS AND STUFF ¶

¶ ALL LITTERING THE STREETS ¶

¶ NOT TO WORRY, MRS. ROBB ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY'S ON THE JOB ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY, OUR PROTECTOR ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY, ONE OF THE GREATS ¶

¶ SERVES HIS FELLOW MAN WITH LOVE ¶

¶ A KINDER, GENTLER DARYL GATES ¶

¶ NO ONE'S SAFE IN THE HUMAN RACE ¶

¶ WHEN GUNTHER TOODY'S ON THE CASE ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY, WE LOVE YOU ¶

¶ GUNTHER TOODY, OUR HERO ¶

Radio: CAR 54, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CAR 54, UH-- TOODY HERE.

TOODY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

WE'RE JUST OUT HERE, UH,

HELPIN' THE BOYS IN THE 12th WITH THE RIOT, SIR.

RIOT? WHAT'S THE SITUATION DOWN THERE?

WELL, SIR, IF YOU WANT MY EDUCATED OPINION,

I THINK IT'S A COMMUNITY INFLUX.

TOODY, IF YOU'RE NOT BACK HERE IN TWO MINUTES,

I'LL KICK YOUR BUTT SO FAST

YOU'LL THINK I'M IN YOUR HIP POCKET!

YES, SIR.

JUST A COUPLE MORE DAYS TILL MY RETIREMENT--PLEASE!

OH, MAN!

HEY, SCHNAUZER!

WHADDYA DOIN' DOWN THERE? GET UP!

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR DUTY!

I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM MY DUTY!

I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU!

WHEREVER YOU GO, DISASTER FOLLOWS!

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ OOH! OOH!

¶ ONCE IN MY LIFE I'D LIKE A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ¶

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ WORK IT, BUST IT OUT ON A HOT TIP ¶

¶ TWO OF NEW YORK'S FINEST

¶ YOU'RE BUSTED

¶ THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE WHEN YOU BREAK THE LAW ¶

¶ YOU WANT SOME MORE? GIVE 'EM CAR 54 ¶

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ THIS AIN'T NO BATMAN

¶ THIS AIN'T NO DICK TRACY

¶ DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THAT, MAN ¶

¶ MUTANT NINJA TURTLES-- PLEASE! ¶

¶ YOU'RE BUSTED, SUCKER

¶ YOU CAN'T DO THE CRIME, DON'T DO THE TIME ¶

¶ JUST ONCE I WISH I COULD GET A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ¶

¶ UP IN THE BRONX, THINGS ARE LOOKING PRETTY BAD ¶

¶ THE PEOPLE ARE CRACKED UP, THE TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP ¶

¶ IN JACKSON HEIGHTS, PEOPLE LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT ¶

¶ THINGS JUST AIN'T RIGHT, WHERE' CAR 54 TONIGHT? ¶

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ YEAH, CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? ¶

¶ GORBACHAV IS LANDING OUT AT JFK ¶

¶ OOH! OOH! WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING! ¶

¶ BOYS SCOUTS ROBBIN' IN THE USA ¶

¶ OOH! OOH! I'LL ASK MY WIFE ¶

¶ THE YOUNG ARE DISSIN' THE OLD, DRUGS ARE GETTIN' SOLD ¶

¶ THINGS ARE OUTTA CONTROL, WE GOTTA STOP THAT COLD! ¶

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ WHERE'S CAR 54?!

HEY! HELP! POLICE!

¶ THIS AIN'T NO BATMAN

¶ THIS AIN'T NO DICK TRACY

¶ I DON'T EVEN PLAY THAT, DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THAT, MAN ¶

¶ MUTANT NINJA TURTLES-- PLEASE! ¶

¶ YOU'RE BUSTED, SUCKER

¶ IF YOU CAN'T DO THE CRIME, DON'T DO THE TIME ¶

¶ JUST ONCE I WISH I COULD GET A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ¶

¶ UP IN THE BRONX, THINGS ARE LOOKIN' PRETTY BAD ¶

¶ THE PEOPLE ARE CRACKED UP, THE TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP ¶

¶ IN JACKSON HEIGHTS, PEOPLE LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT ¶

¶ THINGS JUST AIN'T RIGHT, WHERE'S CAR 54 TONIGHT? ¶

¶ CAR 54

¶ OOH! OOH!

¶ CAR 54

( horns honking )

Radio: CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54, PLEASE STATE YOUR LOCATION.

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54!

WHERE ARE YOU?!

( rap music blaring from boom box )

HOW MUCH FOR AN OUTDOOR NOISE AMPLIFICATION PERMIT?

FIVE DOLLARS A DAY.

THAT'S STUPID CHEAP!

I WANT 365 OF 'EM.

HEY! HEY! YOU GUYS! YOU SHOULDA SEEN US!

JUST ME AND MY PARTNER AGAINST MAYBE 100 RIOTERS!

IT WAS AWESOME! RIGHT, SCHNAUZER?

WHATEVER YOU SAY, GUNTHER.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A MAALOX?

THERE WAS MAYBE 150 OF 'EM!

IT WAS JUST LIKE A SCENE OUTTA ONE OF THEM COP SHOWS!

I NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE IT IN MY LIFE!

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.

NOTICE HERE ON THE BOARD--

"MAXIMUM AUTOMATED DEPLOYMENT FOR CRIMINAL OPERATIONS

AND POLICE PROCEDURES."

"MAD COPP."

I'M TELLIN' YOU,

THIS IS A PROUD DAY FOR THE 53rd.

WE'RE FINALLY GETTING ORGANIZED.

GONNA BE A LOT OF CHANGES TAKING PLACE AROUND HERE.

TO BEGIN WITH, WE HAVE A NEW RECRUIT.

THE POLICE ACADEMY IS TURNING OUT

A DIFFERENT BREED OF COP NOWADAYS,

AND I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT.

OFFICER FRANCIS MULDOON.

OFFICER MULDOON

IS THE MOST DECORATED GRADUATE OF THE ACADEMY,

AND HE IS EXTREMELY WELL-VERSED

IN EVERY ASPECT OF THIS NEW SYSTEM.

AS OF TOMORROW NIGHT,

HE WILL BE OFFICER TOODY'S NEW PARTNER.

OFFICER MULDOON, THEY'RE ALL YOURS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODAY IS AN EXCITING DAY...

BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST DAY

IN THE REST OF YOUR LAW ENFORCEMENT CAREERS.

NOT MINE, NOT MINE.

COMPUTERS, SATELLITES,

PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT-- YOU'LL BE LEARNING IT ALL.

WHY? QUITE FRANKLY,

TO KEEP THE GUTTER-LOVING SCUM OF THIS PLANET FROM DESTROYING

THE MORAL FABRIC OF OUR GREAT NATION,

SO THAT OUR MOTHERS CAN WALK THE STREETS AT NIGHT.

WHY, IS YOUR MOTHER A STREET WALKER? HA HA HA!

BUT FIRST, WE HAVE TO PREPARE,

AS I'M SURE YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE.

MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY... SPIRITUALLY.

SO STARTING TOMORROW,

ALL OFFICERS WILL BE EXPECTED TO REPORT ONE HOUR EARLY

BEFORE THEIR SHIFT FOR CLASSES IN MAD COPP,

AND THEN ONE HOUR EVERY NIGHT

FOR PHYSICAL TRAINING AFTER THEIR DAY SHIFT.

THAT'S TWO EXTRA HOURS! YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND THAT'S WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONAL COMPENSATION.

THANK YOU FOR VOLUNTEERING.

SO, FRANCIS,

TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER,

AND OF COURSE, IT MAKES FOR A BETTER

WORKING RELATIONSHIP-- DON'T YOU THINK?

OFFICER TOODY, I DON'T BELIEVE IN

IDLE CHIT-CHAT DURING PATROLS.

IT BREAKS UP CONCENTRATION, AND WE JUST MIGHT MISS A CRIME.

Woman: HELP! HELP!

RIGHT THERE!

( siren )

HELP! HELP!

HE ROBBED ME! I GOT HIM, MA'AM.

DON'T SHOOT!

WHAT HAPPENED, MRS. PEROGI?

HE ORDER A LOX, TOMATO AND ONION SANDWICH

AND HE DIDN'T PAY!

HOW MUCH DID THE SANDWICH COST, MRS. PEROGI?

FOUR DOLLARS AND FIFTY-FIVE CENTS.

HERE. KEEP THE CHANGE.

WE'LL FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

OFFICER TOODY, WE SHOULD BE TAKING THAT WOMAN

DOWN TO THE PRECINCT IMMEDIATELY FOR A POSITIVE I.D.

ON THE CULPRIT.

SIDEBURNS, CAP-- IT'S GANG-RELATED.

OH, YEAH.

THE ONES WITH THE BEANIES, THEY'RE THE WORST!

SHOULDA HAD HIM.

Anderson: COME IN, GENTLEMEN. WELCOME TO THE 53rd.

CAPTAIN, BEFORE WE BEGIN,

IS THIS OFFICE SECURE?

SECURE?

WELL, I GET A NICE FEELING WHEN I COME IN HERE.

NO. NO, SIR, WE'RE TALKING BUG-WISE.

OH, BUG-WISE.

WELL, THERE, YOU GOT ME.

THEY FUMIGATE REGULARLY HERE,

BUT THIS BUILDING IS SO OLD.

LISTENING DEVICES, CAPTAIN.

OH, THAT KIND OF BUG.

CAPTAIN, WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT WITNESS

WE'D LIKE YOU TO PUT ON ICE.

NO PROBLEM.

WE HAVE ICED MANY A WITNESS.

WHO IS HE?

HERBERT HORTZ.

HERBERT HORTZ.

AND AGAINST WHOM IS HE TESTIFYING?

DON MOTTI.

GENTLEMEN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER!

DON "PRETTY BOY" MOTTI

IS THE MOST RUTHLESS THUG IN THE CITY!

Man: AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T STEP INSIDE THE CIRCLE.

HE DON'T LIKE TO BE CRAMPED.

HE HATES SMALL PLACES.

MR. MOTTI, THIS IS NICO.

THE GUY I WAS TELLIN' YOU ABOUT.

YES, NICO.

SIT DOWN.

CARLO, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS? GET NICO A DRINK.

GOT IT.

MR. MOTTI.

FOR ME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO MAKE ACQUAINTANCES WITH YOURSELF.

WHY IS IT ALL YOU THUGS TALK LIKE YOU WENT TO FINISHING SCHOOL

WITH ROBERT De NIRO?

DID CARLO FILL YOU IN?

CARLO HAS INFORMED ME

ABOUT THE UNFORTUNATE ABDUCTION OF YOUR CLOSEST FINANCIAL ADVISOR,

MR. HORTZ, BY THE AUTHORITIES.

HE'S NOT MY CLOSEST FINANCIAL ADVISOR.

HE'S A GOD DAMN BOOKKEEPER

AND I WANT YOU TO BLOW THE SON-OF-A-BITCH AWAY

BEFORE HE TESTIFIES TO THE GRAND JURY ON FRIDAY.

SORRY, BOSS.

I'M A RESPECTED MAN.

I CARE ABOUT SOCIAL ISSUES.

SUCH AS?

RECYCLING, BOSS?

RECYCLING.

MY GARBAGE COMPANY WAS THE FIRST IN THE CITY

TO START SEPARATING ITS TRASH.

MEDICAL TO LONG ISLAND, TOXICS TO JERSEY.

I GOT MY IMAGE TO THINK ABOUT.

SO YOU BLOW THE SQUEALER AWAY, AND MAKE ME A HAPPY MAN.

MR. MOTTI,

I ASSURE YOU THAT MR. HORTZ WILL SLEEP WITH THE FISHES

BEFORE THE SUN SETS.

SALUD.

SALUD.

AWRIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE.

THANK YOU.

( whispers ) He's claustrophobic.

He don't like dark little places.

Know what I mean?

LUCILLE, I'M HOME!

GRRR... RUFF!

HEY, I'M STARVED. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

TOSSED SALAD?

YOU COME HOME AT 11:00 AT NIGHT, GUNTHER,

YOU EXPECT ME TO JUMP AND WHIP YOU UP SOMETHIN' TO EAT?

YOU GOT NERVE, GUNTHER TOODY, YOU REALLY GOT NERVE!

NOT NERVE, LUCILLE--

HUNGER!

NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, BUSTER! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

I HAD TO DECORATE THE REC ROOM FOR SCHNAUZER'S PARTY.

WHAT, A STAG FUNCTION, IS THAT IT, GUNTHER?

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA HAVE A BIG CAKE,

YOU GONNA HAVE GIRLS IN LITTLE DENTAL FLOSS BIKINIS

JUMPIN' OUTTA THERE, GETTIN' DOWN ON THEIR KNEES,

DOIN' WRETCHED THINGS TO YOU SO-CALLED OFFICERS OF THE LAW?

I PICTURE THE WHOLE THING, GUNTHER TOODY.

NOT EVEN CLOSE, LUCILLE.

IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, TOO BAD LEO'S NOT YOUR WIFE.

THEN HE'D BE SURPRISED EVERY DAY JUST HOW MISERABLE HIS LIFE IS.

COME ON, LUCILLE, I JUST GOT HOME!

ARE YOU CHEATIN' ON ME, GUNTHER TOODY?

CHEATING?

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'D KILL ME!

WORSE.

I WOULD TAKE YOUR SCROTUM, STRETCH IT UP OVER YOUR HEAD,

AND I WOULD USE YOU AS A PUNCHING BAG!

LUCILLE, I'M SENSING SOME HOSTILITY HERE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

COP GROUPIES. COP GROUPIES?

YES, COP GROUPIES.

TODAY ON GERALDO. I SAW THE WHOLE THING.

THESE BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, THIN WOMEN

WHO HAVE RAVENOUS SEXUAL APPETITES

FOR ANY GUY WITH A BADGE AND A UNIFORM,

NO MATTER HOW PATHETIC, LAME OR GROSS HE MIGHT BE.

IT MADE ME THINK OF YOU, GUNTHER.

THAT'S ONLY IN CALIFORNIA.

IN BROOKLYN, YOU GOTTA PAY.

OH, GUNTHER!

LUCILLE. WHAT?

WHY WOULD I GO OUT FOR HAMBURGER

WHEN I GOT STEAK AT HOME?

DO YOU MEAN IT, GUNTHER?

YEAH, I MEAN IT.

NOW MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

OKAY, HONEY. I'M SO SORRY,

I WAS CRAZY THERE FOR A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW HOW I GET WHEN I'M WATCHIN' MY SHOWS HERE ALL DAY.

TV: ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF BOYS IN BLUE,

WHERE EACH WEEK WE HIT THE STREETS

TO BRING YOU REAL LIVE DRAMA WITH REAL LIVE COPS.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY, YOUR FAVORITE.

I WAS WATCHIN' SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL TODAY,

AND IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT SPOUSES

AND COMMUNICATION AND EVERYTHING,

IT WAS ABOUT TALKING AND INTIMACY,

AND I WAS THINKING MAYBE TONIGHT

YOU AND ME COULD NOT WATCH TV,

INSTEAD WE COULD JUST TALK.

LUCILLE, THIS IS POLICE BUSINESS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POLICE BUSINESS, GUNTHER,

I'LL GIVE YOU A HOMICIDE, IS WHAT I'LL GIVE YOU!

I WANNA TALK, GUNTHER.

LUCILLE, I BEG YOU.

JUST GIVE ME 30 MINUTES TO WATCH MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

OKAY? JUST 30 MINUTES.

AND THEN, I PROMISE YOU, YOU CAN TORTURE ME--

I MEAN, WE CAN TALK ALL YOU WANT, ALL NIGHT LONG.

THANKS A LOT, GUNTHER TOODY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

( siren )

SEE, HONEY.

THAT'S GONNA BE YOUR HUSBAND.

RIGHT THERE ON TELEVISION.

SOMEDAY THAT'S GONNA BE ME.

OH, REALLY?

I'M WATCHING THE NEWS, GUNTHER.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

TV: AN EXPLOSION TODAY ROCKED THE WALLS

OF AN EASTERN AVENUE WAREHOUSE WHERE HERBERT HORTZ,

EX-ACCOUNTANT FOR REPUTED MOB FIGURE DON MOTTI

IS BEING HELD IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.

HORTZ HAS TURNED STATE'S EVIDENCE

IN WHAT COULD BE ONE OF THE LARGEST RACKETEERING TRIALS

IN RECENT HISTORY.

HE IS BEING MOVED TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

AFTER NARROWLY ESCAPING WHAT APPEARS TO BE

A CRUDE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT.

Anderson: YEAH, FELLAS, FOLLOW ME RIGHT THIS WAY.

NATHAN'S HERE.

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS REALLY OUR HOLDING FACILITY,

BUT I THINK WE COULD MAKE MR. HORTZ

NICE AND COMFORTABLE RIGHT HERE.

IN HERE? YES. WE'RE IN A LITTLE

RENOVATION PROCESS NOW,

BUT THIS IS OUR NICEST CELL,

AND HERE'S A LITTLE FLOWERY WELCOME FOR YOU.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GOT A LITTLE RODENT PROBLEM.

NO, THE RODENTS DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

WELL, IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE RATS, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

OKAY! WELL, THEN, I'M GOING TO JAIL!

I'LL BE SLEEPING IN HERE, THEN, RIGHT, CAPTAIN?

YES. YOU'RE IN TIME FOR LUNCH.

THE CITY PROVIDES A GOURMET HOT DOG FROM NATHAN'S,

AND A CUP OF STEAMING BLACK COFFEE.

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

I DON'T EAT THAT KIND OF FOOD.

I'M VERY HEALTH-CONSCIOUS.

I NEED SOME FIBER, OKAY? EXPOSE MY COLON.

HA HA HA! ALL RIGHT?

FRESH GARDEN SALAD. GARDEN SALAD?

GARDEN SALAD. OKAY?

I ALSO NEED AN ESPRESSO, LIGHT ON THE FOAM--

LIGHT ON THE FOAM, AND, OH, I NEED A TAILOR.

I NEED A TAILOR BECAUSE MY JACKET'S RIPPED.

BRRWWAH!

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU, BUT I WAS IN AN EXPLOSION.

LOOK. IT'S THAT MOB GUY FROM THE NEWS.

OFFICER TOODY, I KNEW THAT.

UH, CAPTAIN? YES?

WE'RE ALL SET. OH, MR. HORTZ.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET OUT NEWEST PATROLMAN,

OFFICER FRANCIS MULDOON.

HE IS A KEY PLAYER IN OUR RENOVATION PROGRAM.

OH, GREAT!

WELCOME ABOARD. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

LET'S START IN HERE, SHALL WE?

OKAY, I NEED A FUTON INSTEAD OF THAT COT.

RIGHT. I INHERITED SOME TERRIBLE LOWER BACK PROBLEMS.

ALSO, IF WE COULD GET ONE WINDOW RIGHT THERE,

FOR A LITTLE EASTERN EXPOSURE.

OW! OW!

JUST LIKE MARLON PERKINS ON WILD KINGDOM!

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!

MR. HORTZ, YOU NOW EMIT AN ELECTRONIC SIGNAL

FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

CAPTAIN, UNTIL WE GET HIM TO THE GRAND JURY,

WE'LL BE ABLE TO MONITOR HIM ANYWHERE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

DOES THIS MEAN I'M GAY?

HOLD IT. IS IT THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT? I FORGOT.

YEAH, LET ME SPEAK TO MR. MOTTI.

I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR HIM.

Lucille: QUIET DOWN, EVERYBODY, HE'S COMING!

All: SURPRISE!!!

HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!

I LOVE YOU...

LEO!

( music starts )

¶ WHEN I OPENED MY EYES AND FINALLY LOOKED ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ I WAS IN THE POT, MY GOOSE WAS COOKED ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

HEY, COME ON BACK AND JOIN THE PARTY.

WHAT'S IT TO YA?

I HAVE FOUND IN THE PAST THAT FAMILIARITY BREEDS INTIMACY,

WHICH IS AN OBSTACLE TO ANY POLICEMAN'S COMPLETION OF HIS WORK.

COME ON!

I'LL TEACH YA HOW TO MAMBO!

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ A PARTY LIKE THIS IS HARD TO FIND ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ EVERYBODY'S SHAKIN' THEIR BEHIND ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ I THINK SOMEBODY STOLE MY LINE ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

Woman: WHO INVITED HIM?

Man: I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ THIS PARTY'S GONNA BE A CRAZE ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ I'VE BEEN WORKIN' ALL WEEK... ¶

Gunther: ONE, TWO, THREE...

OKAY, GO!

I GOTTA FIND THE METER MAID? YEAH.

YOU'RE GETTIN' HOT!

OH, LEO, YOU'RE BURNIN' UP!

Leo: AAAHHH!!!

OH, MY GOD!

SCHNAUZER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!

REPENT, YOU SINNERS!

PRAISE JESUS!

PRAISE ELVIS,

AND PRAISE JACK LORD'S HAIR!

YOU'RE TAKING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.

THANK YOU, REVEREND.

BACK ON THE CURB.

YOU CROSS ON THE GREEN, NOT IN BETWEEN.

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU TWO DOLLARS FOR JAYWALKING.

MULDOON, THE MAN IS BLIND!

SO IS LOVE, OFFICER TOODY.

TV: AS THE LONG-LOST HUSBAND, I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ABOUT MY WIFE, BUSTER.

HA HA HA HA!

AND HOW DID WE ENJOY OUR SUPPER LAST NIGHT?

OH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT WAS DELIGHTFUL!

I WISH ALL OUR PATIENTS HAD YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

WHAT IS THERE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?

HERE I AM, I LIE IN BED ALL DAY,

I WATCH TV, I'M WAITED ON HAND AND FOOT--

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M ON AUTOMATIC PILOT!

HEE HEE HEE HEE!

WHAT MORE COULD A MAN ASK FOR?

SURPRISE, PARTNER!

I BROUGHT YOU SOME FLOWERS.

THAT'S NICE, GUNTHER.

NOW, JUST PUT 'EM DOWN,

AND BACK OUT OF THE ROOM.

LEO, WHAT'S THIS STUFF?

DON'T TOUCH IT!

TOODY, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THE BAG.

IT'S NOT AN UNREASONABLE REQUEST.

YOU REMEMBER MY NEW PARTNER, MULDOON?

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS SCENE, MULDOON,

BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT

IS YOUR FUTURE.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

I'M MORE THAN CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

OFFICER TOODY, WE'RE LATE.

LEO, BEHAVE YOURSELF.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

YOU CAN'T KEEP A GUY LIKE SCHNAUZER

DOWN FOR LONG, THAT'S FOR SURE.

WHAT IS THIS?

THIS IS A HOSPITAL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE.

IT'S STUCK. HELP ME WITH IT.

AAAHHH!!!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I HATE HOSPITALS.

( alarm sounds )

¶ WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER ¶

¶ THIS IS THE NEW WORLD ORDER ¶

¶ THIS IS THE NEW WORLD ORDER ¶

¶ WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

¶ TO A LAND OF CHANGE

¶ A PLACE WHERE SILICON RULE THE BRAIN ¶

¶ THE THOUGHT POLICE ON THE STREETS TO KEEP PEACE ¶

¶ QUICK TO GET WITH ANYONE WHO GOT BEAT ¶

¶ AND WHERE DID HOPE GO, MUST IT DIE? ¶

¶ BIG BROTHER GOT HIS EYE ON YA ALL THE TIME ¶

¶ SO DON'T ACT BOLD, HE CONTROL THE DICE ¶

¶ BE A FOOL, WRONG MOVE, AND LOSE YOUR LIFE ¶

¶ NOW, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, DON'T ACT UP ¶

¶ CUT THE MESS ABOUT PROGRESS, OR GUESS WHAT? ¶

¶ YOU'LL BE HUSHED, CRUSHED, CLIPPED AND FRIED ¶

¶ TO STAY ALIVE, BETTER KNOW THE TIME IN THE JUNGLE ¶

GOOD MORNING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING--

"THANK YOU, OFFICER MULDOON, FOR THIS."

BUT IT'S NOT ME, IT'S THE TAXPAYERS,

SO WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST TAKE A SEAT...

IN OUR NEW SEATS.

UM, AS I'M SURE YOU CAN SEE,

THAT'S THE SEAT FROM THE OLD DAYS.

NOW, LET'S DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE NEW "MAD COPP."

NOW, CAN ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THE COCCYX IN MAD COPP,

WHAT ITS FUNCTION IS?

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE HAVE COME TO PROVIDE YOU

WITH THE NOURISHMENT FOR YOUR INCARCIPATED PERSONAGES.

BROUGHT A BUNCH OF DOGS OVER FROM NATHAN'S.

OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

HOLD ON, I'LL BUZZ YOU IN.

( buzzer )

OH, MY.

THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T SHE?

ELECTRONIC DISPLAY NETWORK ADVISOR--"EDNA."

"EDNA." SHE'S GOT IT ALL.

20,000 LINE RESOLUTION, C-CAM,

NTSC S-DIP, AND P-DIP CAPABILITIES.

RAP ON, YOU RASCAL, YOU!

IT IS VOICE-ACTIVATED,

IT IS INTERFACED WITH EVERY NATIONAL AND LOCAL

CRIME MAINFRAME COMPUTER NETWORK VIA MICROWAVE.

MICROWAVE!

YOU CAN COOK IN IT!

INCREDIBLE!

EDNA, MEET CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

Computer: GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

IT TALKS!

AAHHEEEAAHH....

ARE YOU HORTZ? YES.

LUNCH.

NO, THANKS, I DON'T EAT THOSE HOT DOGS.

YOU CAN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CELL.

THESE ARE NOT HOT DOGS.

IN APPRECIATION OF YOUR ENDEAVORS,

WE HAVE BEEN PERMITTED TO ALTER THE NORMAL FARE

TOWARD YOUR DIETARY ENJOYMENT.

GET OUTTA HERE!

YEAH, WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU A FIND VINTAGE CHABLIS WINE FROM OUR CELLAR.

STOP THAT, LOOK AT YOU!

AND FILET OF BEEF GASPAR WITH A WATERCRESS SOUP.

LOOK AT THOSE NIBLETS!

AND AN ADORNMENT.

MMM! THANK YOU! LISTEN, BOYS, A LITTLE FAUX PAS.

YOU NEVER SERVE A RED MEAT WITH A WHITE WINE, OKAY?

ITS' LIKE--NYEAH-- IT'S A HORRENDOUS MISTAKE.

GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT? THANK YOU, GUYS.

GET OUT OF HERE. HEY!!! COME HERE.

YOU THINK I'D LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT, HUH?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

YEAH, I GOT A PROBLEM.

MR.JACKSON-- HE'S GOT A DATE WITH YOU BOYS.

TAKE HIM. HAVE SOME FUN!

NOW, YOU SAY THE RED DOTS REPRESENT PATROL CARS?

YES.

WELL, LOOK!

THEY'RE ALL MOVING AT ONCE!

SOMETHING BIG MUST BE GOING DOWN!

EDNA: 95% OF THE PRECINCT'S CARS HAVE CONVERGED.

ABRAMS! WHAT'S GOING ON?

EVERYTHING'S NORMAL.

Radio: CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU, PLEASE?

Gunther: SO THE BARTENDER SAYS, "WHAT DOES THE DOG DO

"WHEN THE YANKS WIN?"

HE SAYS, "I DON'T KNOW--

I'VE ONLY HAD HIM FOR TWO YEARS."

( all laugh )

SEE THAT, GENTLEMEN?

NEGOTIATIONS CAN BE A POWERFUL ASSET.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT TO ASK FOR AND HOW TO--

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THAT'S MY DINNER.

SIR?

I DEMAND YOU RETURN THAT TO ME THIS INSTANT!

PLEASE DON'T PUSH MY BUTTONS!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING. I WILL STRIKE YOU, SIR, I WILL STRIKE YOU!

THAT'S A COMPLETE MISUSE OF YOUR PHYSICALITY, SIR.

YOU'RE A VERY LARGE MAN,

AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

OKAY?

( coughing )

SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EAT TOO FAST?

FREEZE, LADY! DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE.

YEP. THAT'S A VIOLATION OF SECTION 20 OF THE CIVIL CODE.

WE GOT HER.

THANKS TO THE OLD SATCOM SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WEASEL YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE, I'M AFRAID.

MAYBE SHE HAS A MUCOUS PROBLEM.

I'VE KNOWN THIS LADY FOR 15 YEARS.

SHE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HER LIFE.

MA'AM, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD DAY.

JESUS.

I'M SORRY, MRS. GORDON.

NO CHARGE FOR YOU. ENJOY!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, KAHN.

EXCUSE ME, OFFICER TOODY.

YEAH?

YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT, DID YOU?

OH, WELL, KAHN'S MY FRIEND, I MEAN, WHO'S GONNA CARE?

WHY DON'T WE START WITH INTERNAL AFFAIRS?

INTERNAL AFFAIRS? THEY DON'T DINE AL FRESCO.

AL FRE--

Woman: HI, TOODY!

HA HA! HOO HOO!

HOW ABOUT A NICE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, GUNTHER?

WE'LL HAVE YA LOST FOR HOURS.

I DON'T THINK LUCILLE WOULD APPROVE OF THAT.

WHO'S YOUR CUTE FRIEND?

THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER, FRANCIS MULDOON.

BABY, BABY, BABY!

YOU'RE SO FINE, YOU'RE MY--OOH!-- NINE POINT NINE.

PUT 'ER THERE.

OH, I LOVE CAREFUL MEN.

IT SHOWS A BRUTE MATURITY.

WHOOEE, YEAH!

OFFICER TOODY.

THIS PLACE IS GOMORRAH.

THANK YOU.

WE HAVE THE LOWEST REPORTED CRIME RATE IN THE WHOLE CITY.

OF COURSE YOU DO-- YOU DON'T REPORT ANY OF IT.

THESE ARE DECENT PEOPLE.

THEY'RE ALL CRIMINALS!

COME ON, MULDOON.

THERE'S CRIME, AND THEN THERE'S CRIME.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO--

CRIME IS CRIME--PERIOD.

'S'NOT. SO.

'S'NOT. SO.

'S'NOT! SO!

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH.

SIR, THE MAN IS A SLOB.

IF I COULD, I'D LIKE TO DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO HIS SHIRT.

I THINK YOU'LL NOTICE THAT IT IS COVERED

IN ILLEGALLY OBTAINED KABOB STAINS.

MULDOON, WOULD YOU MIND WAITING OUTSIDE A SECOND?

I JUST WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH OFFICER TOODY.

YES, SIR.

CAPTAIN-- TOODY--

IF YOU SCREW THIS UP FOR ME,

I WILL SLAP THE TASTE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

BUT CAPTAIN, HE'S A-- HE'S A TIGHT ASS.

BUT HE'S ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTANDS

THE COMPLEXITIES OF THIS SYSTEM!

SO, PLEASE, FOR MY SAKE, BE A PAL.

MAYBE YOU'LL INVITE THE GUY HOME FOR DINNER?

TO MY HOUSE?!

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN TALKIN' TO YOU.

YOU'LL DO THAT FOR ME, WON'T YOU?

YES, CAPTAIN.

SO WHAT'S HAPPENED?

MR. HORTZ IS NO LONGER A FUNCTIONING HOMO SAPIEN.

YOU MEAN HORTZ WAS A TOOTIE-FRUITIE?

REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SO HE'S DEAD?

LIKE HE NEVER WAS.

THEN WHY AM I READING ABOUT THE GRAND JURY GOING FORWARD?

WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN IT ON TV?

WHY DID I HEAR

THAT YOU POISONED AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST?

YOU LISTEN TO ME.

YOU HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE TO GET THIS GUY.

THE SCHILLIANOS HAVE RECOMMENDED

AN OUT-OF-TOWN GUN BY THE NAME OF "DETROIT DAN."

NOW, IF I GO TO THE TROUBLE OF BRINGING HIM IN FOR ONE,

I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT THREE.

CAPISCE? CAPISCE.

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Lucille: GUNTHER, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A MESS, NOW, HONEY.

THAT ONE'S RUINED!

YOU KNOW, LUCILLE, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

MULDOON AND I,

WE'RE COMPLETE OPPOSITES.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT.

GUNTHER, YOU AND I ARE OPPOSITES,

AND LOOK HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.

GIVE IT TIME, HONEY.

Muldoon: I THINK THIS IS IT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, LUCILLE? WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?

SEEING YOU IN THIS PARTY DRESS REALLY GIVES ME THE HORN.

HOW ABOUT A QUICKIE BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE?

NO, GUNTHER!

NO! WE'RE GONNA GET ALL SWEATY!

( doorbell )

MULDOON AND HIS DATE ARE HERE, GO ANSWER IT.

I GOT SOME CELERY TO WHIZ.

HI, FRANCIS.

WELCOME TO MY LOVELY HOME.

THANKS, OFFICER TOODY.

MIND IF I COME IN? PLEASE.

I, UH,

I BROUGHT THAT AS A TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR DATE?

SHE'S OUT PARKING THE CAR.

SHE WANTED ME TO BE ON TIME.

YEAH, PARKING'S LOUSY AROUND HERE.

( doorbell )

THE PARKING AROUND HERE SUCKS!

COME ON IN, MOM.

SHORT NOTICE.

Lucille: I THINK IT'S LOVELY THAT A MAN FEELS SECURE ENOUGH

TO TAKE HIS MOTHER TO SOCIAL FUNCTIONS.

THE MAN IS A TOTAL WUSS, LUCILLE.

SHUT UP, GUNTHER.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST IN BETWEEN GIRLFRIENDS RIGHT NOW.

OH, YEAH. HE'S BEEN BETWEEN GIRLFRIENDS

SINCE HIS BALLS DROPPED.

OH, GUNTHER, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE HORRIBLE TONIGHT.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH. YEAH, RIGHT.

Gunther: SO THE WOMAN SAYS,

"HOW DARE YOU LAY OUT MY HUSBAND

IN A BROWN SUIT?"

YOU KNOW, YOU LAY HIM OUT IN A BLUE SUIT OR A BLACK SUIT.

SO HE SAYS, "MADAM, COME BACK IN 15 MINUTES,

I'M SURE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE."

SHE COMES BACK, AND THERE IS HER HUSBAND,

LAID OUT IN A BEAUTIFUL BLUE SUIT.

SO SHE SAYS, "HOW DID YOU GET THAT SUIT ON MY HUSBAND?

DID YOU SWITCH SUITS WITH ONE OF THESE OTHER STIFFS?"

AND HE SAYS, "OH, NO, MADAM. WE MERELY SWITCHED HEADS."

HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!

OH, GUNTHER! HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!

SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.

WE WERE SO BUSY AT ST. MATTHEWS TONIGHT.

DON'T WORRY. I REALLY THINK IT'S GREAT YOU VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME

TO SPEND WITH THE INFIRMED.

SINCE FRANCIS HAS BEEN WORKING,

I'VE GOT A LITTLE EXTRA TIME ON MY HANDS.

I DON'T!

HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, ME AND FRANCIS WERE OVER AT ST. MATTHEWS TODAY.

REALLY?

WE WERE VISITING A BROTHER OFFICER-- LEO SCHNAUZER.

I BROUGHT OFFICER SCHNAUZER SOME SHERBERT TODAY.

OH, GREAT.

HE WAS IN SUCH PAIN.

LEO IS A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MAN.

A POLICE OFFICER MUST CHASTIZE THE IMPURE,

AND BANISH THE DEFILED,

IN A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE!

WELL, IF THEY DID THAT,

I DON'T THINK THE CITY WOULD GO FOR THE OVERTIME!

HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!

GUNTHER, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!

HAVE SOME MORE JELLO.

AHA HA HA HA!

MOM, DID YOU ENJOY DINNER?

I DON'T THINK IT'S WISE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT THE SEMINARY!

HE NEEDS A BROAD, THAT'S ALL.

OH, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

THIS IS NOT THE GUTTER, LUCILLE.

THIS IS SCIENCE.

MEN HAVE THIS VERY SPECIAL KIND OF A MALE GLAND

CALLED THE... THE PROSTICLES.

WHEN THESE TESTICLES GET FILLED UP WITH FLUID AND STUFF,

THEY GET VERY, VERY TENSE.

YEAH?

TAKE IT FROM A COP ON THIS ONE, LUCILLE.

THESE TESTOSTICLES ARE THE CAUSE OF 85%

OF THE VIOLENT CRIME IN THIS CITY.

I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, GUNTHER.

THAT'S BETWEEN HIM AND HIS DOCTOR.

I GOT JUST THE GIRL FOR HIM. WHO?

VELMA VELOUR.

VELMA!

SHE HAS VERY TANGIBLE ACCOUTREMENT

THAT MEN FIND IRRESISTIBLE.

REALLY? YOU BE CAREFUL. YOU'RE GONNA CORRUPT THAT BOY.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

LET'S DO THE WILD THING, LUCILLE.

GUNTHER!

COME OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE SEX POT.

( all talking )

PIPE DOWN, THE CAPTAIN'S COMIN'.

GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'VE JUST GOTTEN SOME GOOD NEWS.

A CAMERA CREW

FROM THE TELEVISION SHOW THE BOYS IN BLUE

IS COMING TO THE 53rd TODAY

TO COMMENCE FILMING A SEGMENT ON US.

I KNEW IT!

TV: WATCH THIS WEEK'S EPISODE,

AS WE VISIT NEW YORK'S MOST DANGEROUS POLICE STATION,

BROOKLYN'S 53rd PRECINCT.

STAY TUNED FOR THE BOYS IN BLUE.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE HAVE COME IN REGARDS TO THE TOILETRIES

WHICH HAVE RUN AFOUL.

WE CAME TO FIX THE CAN.

OH, SURE, IN THE BACK.

HOLD ON, I'LL BUZZ YA IN.

SAY, GUNTHER.

YEAH?

THANK YOU FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS MOST ENJOYABLE.

WELL, FRANCIS, I'M DETERMINED

TO BUILD UP OUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WE SHOULD GO ON A DATE.

US?

WITH GIRLS-- A DOUBLE DATE.

OH. OH, OH, I--I, UM, I--

WHATSAMATTER?

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA FIND THIS A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT I--I'M VERY SH--

SHY?

--SHY AROUND THE OPPOSITE S-S-S--

SEX? NO! SEX.

YES!

DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE I GOT THE WHOLE THING COVERED.

I KNOW JUST THE GIRL,

AND ME AND LUCILLE WILL BE THERE WITH YOU.

WE'LL BREAK THE ICE,

AND YOU CAN MELT HER HEART.

REFLEX, HUH? IS THAT YOUR NAME?

YEAH, MAN, WHAT'S UP?

HOW YA DOIN', MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS IN HERE FOR?

EXPLICIT LYRICS, MAN.

DOPE LYRICS!

OH, YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE, RAP FELLOWS?

NO, MAN, RAPPERS.

RAPPERS. RAPPERS.

YO, O.G., MAN,

WHY DON'T YOU BUST ONE OF THEM LYRICS FOR HIM, MAN?

¶ MAN, DAY AFTER DAY, WHEN I GET OUT OF BED ¶

¶ RAPS ARE CREATED INSIDE MY HEAD ¶

¶ THREE SQUARES A DAY IS WHAT I EAT ¶

¶ WHILE THE SHOWERS KEEP ROCKIN' TO A FUNKY BEAT ¶

¶ A GUY NAMED BUTCH WITH A WHACKY-WHACK SPACE ¶

¶ WANT TO GRAB AHOLD ¶ OF MY FUNKY BASS

¶ WHEN I DROP THE SHORTS AND OPEN MY MOUTH ¶

¶ ALL THE YOUNG LADIES START TO SCREAM AND SHOUT ¶

Carlo: LOOKS GREAT, HUH?

I LEARNED THIS UP AT THE JOINT,

TAKIN' ART CLASSES.

YOU KNOW, USING THAT STUFF, UH, SILLY DOUGH.

WHEN MR. HORTZ HAS TO RELIEVE HIMSELF,

HE'LL BE GREETED BY A TNT ENEMA.

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, I ONCE CONSIDERED PLUMBING AS A VOCATION.

REALLY? YEAH.

NOT ME.

THE WIFE AND I TAKE THE KIDS DOWN TO MIAMI BEACH.

LET US COMPLETE THE TASK.

( beeps ) OKAY, LET'S GO.

BOOM BOOM!

¶ AND THE GIRLS, THEM CAN'T REFUSE IT ¶

¶ METRO DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE BLACK OR WHITE ¶

¶ JUST LEARN AS IT COMES SO WE CAN ALL UNITE ¶

BOOM BOOM!

( imitates bass beat )

¶ I WORK OUT

¶ I PLAY SQUASH ON THE WEEKENDS ¶

¶ MY HEART BE BEATIN' AS I DO MY DEEP KNEE BENDS ¶

¶ I LIKE THE GIRLS WITH THE PEARLS ¶

¶ AND THE MONOGRAMMED SWEATERS, THEY TURN ME ON ¶

¶ JUST LIKE A SLOW SONG

¶ JUST LIKE A SLOW SONG

WHOO! ALL RIGHT!

WHOO HOO!

( beep )

AAAHHH!!!

Hortz: CAPTAIN, YOU KNOW I'M A TEAM PLAYER.

I'M THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE A NUISANCE OF MYSELF.

I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHIN', ALL RIGHT?

THE PLUMBING IN THIS PLACE IS ATROCIOUS.

MR. HORTZ, THIS IS NO ACCIDENT!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

FIRST, THERE WAS THE POISON FOOD.

RIGHT.

AND NOW THIS.

SOMEBODY INSIDE THE 53rd IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!

GET OUTTA HERE!

NO, I GOTTA GET YOU OUTTA HERE,

AND I GOTTA DO IT FAST.

BUT NOW, WHERE WOULD I PUT YOU?

SHH!

( Gunther talking in distance )

Francis: OFFICER TOODY, I THINK YOU'LL FIND

AS WE BECOME MORE FAMILIAR WITH EACH OTHER,

THAT I DON'T EXACTLY THRIVE IN A SALOON ENVIRONMENT.

AH, COME ON, FRANCIS, THIS IS A COP BAR.

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

NOBODY'S GONNA TAKE OUT THEIR FALSE TEETH

AND SHOW 'EM TO ME, ARE THEY?

TOODY! PERFECT.

NOT EVEN THE MOB WOULD BE DESPERATE ENOUGH TO HIRE HIM.

COME ON!

SHE'S VERY CULTURED,

AND I THINK YOU'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE HER.

I DON'T KNOW, GUNTHER.

Anderson: Psst!

WHAT?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!!!

I THINK WE'RE LOSING AIR.

( whispers ) Toody! Muldoon!

HEY, CAPTAIN. WHADDYA SAY?

Open the trunk of your car!

HE WANTS US TO OPEN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.

AWRIGHT, THE TRUNK'S OPEN, CAPTAIN.

Is it clear? Do you see anybody?

OFFICER TOODY?

I DON'T SEE NOBODY. IT'S ALL CLEAR.

Come on. Go!

Close it! WHAT?

Close the trunk!

OHH!

ALL CLOSED, CAPTAIN.

WELL, FELLAS, I SEE YOU'RE READY

TO LEAVE FOR THE DAY, HEY?

Act natural.

Somebody might be watching us now.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE CERTAIN

THAT YOU FINISHED ALL YOUR REPORTS.

YOU DID FINISH YOUR REPORTS TODAY, HUH?

WE FINISHED ALL THE REPORTS, CAPTAIN, YEAH.

What's goin' on?

Somebody right here in the 53rd

tried to knock off Hortz, the witness.

OH, MY GOD!

I MEAN--OH, MY JOB IS JUST FANTASTIC!

Toody, I want you to hide Hortz in your house

until we can find a safe place to keep him.

OKAY, CAPTAIN!

I mean--Okay, Captain.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD-NIGHT, FELLAS.

JUST ONE THING MORE.

If you blow this one,

it is your badges!

HA HA HA! OH HO HO HO!

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, CAPTAIN, REALLY FUNNY.

READ MY LIPS--

YOUR BADGES.

BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW, NOW.

GUNTHER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-- OUR BADGES!

DON'T PAY HIM ANY MIND.

HE ALWAYS SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT.

LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BIG NIGHT--

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL!

Francis: OFFICER TOODY, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE SECOND?

I AM NOT GOING INTO THAT BAR WITH A MOB--

Gunther: IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

--A MOB WITNESS IN THE TRUNK!

JUST ONE DRINK!

WHO IS EVER GONNA LOOK FOR OUR MOB WITNESS

IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR?

HUH?!

ALL RIGHT, WHO IS EVER GONNA LOOK FOR A LIVING MOB WITNESS

IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WERE A REAL MAN,

YOU WOULD COME IN AND HAVE ONE DRINK.

Man: GUNTHER, WHAT'S UP?

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG WHILE, MAN.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

LUTHERS, THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER--

FRANCIS MULDOON, THE PRIDE OF THE 53rd.

HELLO, MULDOON, WE'RE LUTHER.

WHAT ARE YA PACKIN'?

I GOT A 9mm BERETTA IN MY SHOULDER HOLSTER,

AND A WALTHER PPK IN MY BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

A NICE LITTLE CROTCH DERRINGER.

NO, NO, NO-- IT'S ALL RIGHT!

IT'S A LITTLE MORE SNEAKY. LOOK AT THIS.

NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY, WRITE THIS DOWN.

RENT THE MOVIE TAXI DRIVER.

IT'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO TAKE PART OF A DRAWER

AND MAKE THIS POP RIGHT OUT.

YOU JUST GO LIKE THIS--

"HEY! SUCK ON THIS!" HE WOULD BE DEAD.

HE WOULD JUST DOUBLE OVER AND DIE.

THERE WOULD BE A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

NICE LITTLE GUN.

NEED SOMETHIN' ELSE? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BIGGER GUN?

THERE YOU GO. MOST PEOPLE, THIS WOULD "MAKE THEIR DAY."

BUT THAT JACKET WILL MAKE YOUR WHOLE WEEK.

BUT IF YOU EVER GET SICK OF POLICE WORK, WATCH.

YOU PULL THE TRIGGER WITH YOUR THUMB. CHECK IT OUT.

EVEN BIGGER?

OKAY, OKAY. YOU WANT EVEN BIGGER?

WE GOT BIGGER. HERE IT IS, THE M-60.

YOU CAN DO FORESTRY WITH THIS RAMBO BABY.

Gunther: SHE'S HERE, SHE'S READY!

YOU GOTTA BUY 'EM FROM PARTNERS.

WE'RE PARTNERS, WE KNOW.

YOUR DESTINY AWAITS, COME ON!

( gunshot, screams )

( body hits floor )

HEY, THOSE TWO GENTLEMEN WERE SELLING FIREARMS ILLEGALLY.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. BUT JUST TO COPS.

LOOK...

THAT'S VELMA.

¶ THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS

¶ MY ONE AND ONLY

( gulps )

Gunther: YOU GOT YOUR BADGE?

YEAH, POLISHED IT LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE SET.

¶ NOW I HAVE FINALLY FOUND

¶ THAT ONCE IN A LIFETIME...

HELLO, VELMA. HI, TOODY.

THIS IS FRANCIS MULDOON, MY NEW PARTNER.

SLIDE ON IN.

NO, NO, I--I CAN'T.

YEAH, YEAH. PARK IT RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, FRANCIS IS OUR STAR ROOKIE.

WELL, "STAR" IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

COULD I...

( giggles )

COULD I SEE YOUR BADGE?

YEAH, YEAH-- SHOW HER YOUR BADGE.

SHOW HER YOUR BADGE!

OKAY, JUST FOR A SECOND.

OH...

MMM...

OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

OH...

( gasps )

OH...

OH, OFFICER MULDOON...

HAVE YOU EVER LET ANYBODY

TOUCH YOUR...

BADGE BEFORE?

NO. NOT EVEN MY MOTHER.

NOT EVEN HIS MOTHER.

OH...

THEN THAT MAKES ME YOUR VERY FIRST.

GUNTHER.

LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

( rapping )

( disco music plays )

Hortz: "DEAR METRO AND REFLEX.

"I ENJOYED THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER IN PRISON.

"GOOD LUCK ON YOUR HEARING.

"FIGHT THE POWER.

"LOVE, HERBIE.

PEACE."

( Latin music plays )

¶ MAMBO LOVE

¶ YO, YO, YO

¶ MAMBO LOVE

¶ YO, YO, YO

¶ MAMBO LOVE

¶ MAMBO LOVE

¶ MAMBO LOVE

THERE'S OFFICER TOODY! COME ON, SING WITH US!

NO, NO!

COME ON, TOODY!

OH, OKAY!

¶ GONNA SING MY LATIN THANG

¶ IF YOU WANT SOME MORE, SAY, POR FAVOR¶

¶.POR FAVOR

¶ SAY, SI, SI, SI¶ ¶.SI, SI, S

¶ ON THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN

¶ OR MAYBE STATEN

¶ COULD BE IN THE BRONX

¶ OR MAYBE QUEENS

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ¶

¶ SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN

¶ I FOUND A GIRL

¶ THE.MUCHACH OF MY DREAMS

¶ BOOM BADA BING

¶.YO PARA T

¶ TOGETHER FOREVER, WHEREVER, WHENEVER ¶

¶ WE WILL ALWAYS BE

¶ DANCING LATIN BOOGALOO

¶ OR IN CENTRAL PARK

¶ SUCKING FACE AFTER DARK

¶.UNO, DOS, TRE

¶ BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST

¶ FOUR, FIVE, SIX

¶ SHE LOVES TO SAY,.SI, S

¶.SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIAS

¶ THAT MAMBO LOVE, NEW YORK CITY-STYLE ¶

¶ IT DRIVES ME WILD!

¶ BUST MY GUT, SLAP MY BUTT ¶

¶ AND GIMME, GIMME, GIMME THAT MAMBO LOVE ¶

OH, GUNTHER!

( cheers and applause )

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR TOODY!

THE WORLD'S MOST FAVORITIST COP IN THE WORLD!

OH, I LOVE YOU!

HONEY!

I THINK THAT WE'RE GONNA TAKE A CARRIAGE RIDE IN THE PARK.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!

HONEY.

I'M SURE THEY WANNA BE ALONE.

WELL, LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GREAT EVENING!

BYE-BYE!

I'M SO HAPPY IT WORKED OUT WITH THEM.

HONEY, AM I PROUD OF YOU UP THERE SINGIN'!

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT FOR A NIGHTCAP!

YOU ARE?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME HOME, INSTEAD?

OH, HONEY!

¶ MAKING LOVE IS WORKING UP AN APPETITE ¶

¶ LOOKIN' FORWARD TO A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT ¶

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, MR. CARRIAGE MASTER?

UM, HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE FOR A RIDE AROUND THE PARK?

OH, YOU'RE A FIRST-TIMER, HUH?

GO ON, GET YOUR LITTLE ASSES IN THE BACK--

IT'S THIRTY-FIVE BUCKS.

YOU GOT A DEAL. ALL RIGHT, MAN.

LET'S GO, DENNIS. COME ON.

LET'S GO.

YOU KNOW, NEW YORK IS A CITY OF ROMANCE, MY MAN.

YOU SEE THIS BRIDGE OVER HERE?

THAT'S WHERE I FIRST GOT MY FIRST TANDEM.

MY FIRST JUDGE OF MANHOOD. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AND OVER HERE TO THE RIGHT IS WHERE THE DARK MEN USED TO HANG OUT.

WE USED TO SIT REAL LOW AND SHOOT WOMEN IN THE BEHIND WITH DARTS.

NOW THAT WAS A FUNNY SIGHT RIGHT THEN.

CAN I SEE YOUR BADGE AGAIN?

YES.

NOW, YOU LOOK OVER HERE,

YOU SEE THE SERIOUS RAT PROBLEM NEW YORK HAS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS BULLET-PROOF VEST

AND MY PROBLEM-SOLVER RIGHT HERE IN THE BACK.

NOW, YOU LOOK RIGHT OVER HERE TO THE RIGHT,

THAT'S WHERE THE ZODIAC KILLER GOT HIS LAST VICTIM.

THIS SURE HAS BEEN A PLEASANT EVENING, HASN'T IT?

MM-HMM.

I THINK, HOWEVER, THOUGH,

THAT IT'S TIME FOR US TO HEAD TO OUR RESPECTIVE HOMES NOW.

"RESPECTIVE HOMES"?

YES.

YOU WOULDN'T BE PLANNING ON

PUTTING ME UNDER HOUSE ARREST?

HOUSE ARREST? STRIP SEARCHING ME.

AFTER FORCING ME TO REMOVE ALL OF MY CLOTHES.

VERY SLOWLY.

NO. PIECE BY PIECE.

AND THEN HANDCUFFING ME TO THE BED POST,

WHILE YOU TEASINGLY FONDLE

EVERY CURVE AND CREVICE OF MY BODY.

MIXED WITH A SUPPLEMENTARY SPANKING OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

AND THEN FINALLY. WHAT?

FINALLY. WHAT?

OH, YOU MAKE MAD AND PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME!

OVER. OVER.

OVER. OVER.

OVER!

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, HUH?

AND SCREAMING... ( screaming )

THIS IS ECSTASY!

OOH! WOULD YA?

YES! YES.

NO! NO. VELMA, NO.

OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME.

( giggles )

OH, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

MMM. MMM.

YEAH. YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD.

OH, YEAH. IMMA HAVE TO GIVE YOU THIS ONE ON THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH, MY MAN! HA HA HA HA!

GUNTHER. OH, IT'S NEW YEARS EVE, GUNTHER.

OH, IT'S LABOR DAY, GUNTHER. THE 4TH OF JULY, HONEY.

OH, YES, GUNTHER! TRICK OR TREAT, GUNTHER!

OH, GUNTHER. HONEY, HONEY.

HONEY! ( GIGGLES )

OOH! OOH!

Hortz: OFFICER? WE THERE YET?

YO, FELLAS!

WHAT?

ARE YOU SURE?!

NOBODY WAS KILLED!

NOBODY WAS KILLED? MR. MOTTI--

SHUT UP!

I HIRED YOU TO DO A SIMPLE JOB,

AND I GET NOTHIN' BUT SCREW-UPS!

THE GRAND JURY MEETS TOMORROW,

AND THEY WANT TO SEND ME UPSTATE

TO THAT PRISON...

A DARK LITTLE CEMENT CELL.

WHICH WAS PROVIDED BY MY OWN CEMENT COMPANY.

SCHILLIANO?

Both: SCHILLIANO!

GIVE YOUR BOY IN DETROIT A CALL.

SEE IF HE CAN'T CATCH THE RED-EYE.

Hortz: AT THIS POINT, YOU BOYS GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M--

OH.

MMM...

( phone rings )

Woman: YOU SHOULD NOT SWALLOW GUM.

IT AGES YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT SEVEN YEARS!

YEAH, I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.

IT GIVES YOU A CAST IRON GUT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT? WHAT?

SLICK. HE'S CALLIN' FOR YA.

HE WANTS BOTH OF YOU.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET THERE NOW?

WE AIN'T GONNA GET A CAB NOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, HEY--

OPEN INVITATION.

WHAT? THIS HUNK OF JUNK?! GET IN!

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT SOME FOOL LEFT THIS CAR WIDE OPEN?

( car starts )

( tires squeal )

I THINK I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE CAR.

HORTZ!

Lucille: GUNTHER, PICK ME UP SOME MILK!

JUMPIN' JEHOSHAPHAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

THEY KIDNAPPED HIM RIGHT OUTTA MY OWN FRONT YARD!

GUNTHER?

NO FLORIDA, NO PENSION, NO NOTHIN'.

NEW JOB, NEW CAREER, LATE IN LIFE--

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? TOODY-BEAR,

I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE EGG SALAD SANDWICHES FOR THE PICNIC.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR UNCLE NORMAN LOVES MY EGG SALAD.

OF COURSE HE LOVES THE EGG SALAD, LUCILLE!

HE'S GOT NO TEETH!

DON'T YOU USE THAT TONE WITH ME, GUNTHER TOODY!

( phone rings )

I'LL GET IT!

HELLO?

OH, HI, CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

AAH! IT'S FOR YOU. ENOUGH WITH THE YELLING!

TOODY, IS THAT YOU?

YES, SIR.

THE FBI JUST PICKED UP A HIT MAN

BY THE NAME OF DETROIT DAN.

DETROIT DAN!

HE WAS HIRED BY MOTTI TO KNOCK OFF THE WITNESS.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT HORTZ?

WELL, CAPTAIN,

HE'S NOT SUCH A BAD GUY ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

TOODY, YOU IDIOT!

IF HE SO MUCH AS SNIFFLES THIS AFTERNOON,

I WILL BE ON YOUR TAIL LIKE A CAROLINA SPEED COP

ON A NEW YORK CADILLAC!

IT THAT CLEAR, TOODY?!

Y-Y-YES, SIR.

DETROIT DAN!

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?

I MET A VERY WONDERFUL WOMAN LAST NIGHT.

MULDOON! NO!

OH, GUNTHER, PLEASE.

IF SHE'LL HAVE ME...

I PLAN TO MAKE HER MY WIFE.

CONGRATULATIONS, BIG GUY!

WHAT'S HER NAME?

THE NAME OF THE FUTURE

MRS. FRANCIS ALOYISUS MULDOON...

FRANCIS! DON'T TELL 'EM!

...IS VELMA VELOUR.

All: VELMA!!!

VELMA "YOU SHOW ME YOUR BADGE, I'LL SHOW YOU MINE" VELOUR?

YES!

HEY, DID SHE EVER FIX THAT SQUEAK

WHEN YOU PUT UP THE TOILET SEAT? WHAT?

HOW ABOUT THAT TATTOO THAT SAYS--

All: "LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN"!

YOU THREE OFFICERS...

I'M GONNA TEAR YOU SOME NEW ASSHOLES.

Cop: HEY, CHILL OUT!

FORGET ABOUT THOSE CLOWNS! WE GOT REAL TROUBLE!

GUNTHER, WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IN THERE ABOUT MY VELMA

SIMPLY CAN'T BE TRUE!

IF YOU COULD HAVE BEEN WITH US LAST NIGHT,

FELT WHAT WE FELT!

FRANCIS, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

I LOST THE MOB WITNESS!

I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

GUNTHER, WHY DON'T PEOPLE HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME?

THEY DO. THEY DO?

WELL, UNTIL THEY GET MARRIED.

LISTEN TO ME, FRANCIS, MOTTI KIDNAPPED HORTZ.

YOU GOTTA FIX EDNA

SO CAPTAIN ANDERSON DOESN'T FIND OUT

THAT HORTZ ISN'T AT MY HOUSE!

I CAN'T DO THAT!

THIS WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT!

OH, IT'S MY FAULT?

IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN ALL HOT AND BOTHERED OVER VELMA VELOUR,

NONE OF THIS WOULDA EVER HAPPENED!

HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, OFFICER TOODY.

THAT'S THE WOMAN I LOVE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Woman: NICE SUIT.

YOU GOTTA FIX EDNA!

LISTEN TO ME--

YOU AND ME, WE'RE PARTNERS.

WE'RE PALS!

YOU ATE AT MY HOUSE!

IF YOU DON'T DO THIS,

WE'RE GONNA LOSE OUR BADGES.

OUR BADGES? YEAH.

AND THEN WE'LL HAVE TO GET REAL JOBS!

REAL JOBS?! I MEAN, RE-REAL JOBS?

DON MOTTI IS ABOUT TO MEET...

DETROIT DAN!

DETROIT DAN?

NICE SUIT, GUNTHER.

EXCUSE ME, GU-GU-GU--

GUNTHER?!

YO, GUNTHER, WHERE'D YA GET THAT SUIT FROM?

HEY, GUNTHER, SHARP SUIT!

NICE SUIT!

HEY, TOODY, GOOD SHOES, MAN!

HEY, TOODY, WHERE YA GOIN', MAN?

WHAT'S WITH THE SUIT?

Woman: VIRTUALLY UNRECOGNIZABLE IN HIS GANGLAND DISGUISE,

THE INGENIOUS GUNTHER TOODY GOES UNDERCOVER

FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF THE BOYS IN BLUE.

Cop: I ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT HIM.

EDNA: THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED.

ALERT! THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED...

ALERT! THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED...

HELLO, BOYS.

All: HELLO, VELMA!

HELLO, SERGEANT ABRAMS.

HELLO, VELMA.

I'M HERE TO SEE OFFICER MULDOON.

HE JUST WENT INTO THE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE.

THANKS, SARGE.

THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED... ( tapping keyboard )

ALERT! THE PRISONER HAS--

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

OFFICER MULDOON-- AAH! TOODY MADE ME DO IT!

YOU?

FRANCIS, THERE'S SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO TELL YOU.

DON'T. DON'T. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.

BECAUSE I KNOW.

YOU'RE...

NOT A VIRGIN.

I WAS SEVERELY RIDICULED THIS MORNING

WHEN I PROCLAIMED MY LOVE FOR YOU.

OH, FRANCIS! DO YOU LOVE ME?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M NOT GONNA MAKE A NUISANCE OF MYSELF

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

BECAUSE, QUITE FRANKLY, MY HEART HAS TURNED TO STONE.

OH, FRANCIS!

I KNOW YOU MUST THINK THAT I JUST CHASE AFTER

ANYTHING IN A UNIFORM,

BUT MY GROUP SAYS THAT I EQUATE LOVE WITH SEX,

YOU SEE, ONLY I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS

UNTIL I MET YOU!

CAN WE STOP FOR ONE SECOND HERE,

BECAUSE I NEED TIME TO THINK.

Anderson: ABRAMS!

I'LL BE HERE IN THE OFFICE.

I'VE GOT SOME IMPORTANT THINGS I WANT TO CHECK ON,

SO NO INTERRUPTIONS, PLEASE.

EDNA: HI, DAVE.

Anderson at computer: LET'S SEE, NOW,

CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.

EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER, I SEE.

IS MR. HORTZ STILL AT TOODY'S?

THE PRISONER IS SAFE.

Cop: ANDERSON, YOU'RE NEEDED OUT FRONT!

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU, DAVE.

YES, ABRAMS?

I THINK HE'S GONE.

BOY, JUST IN TIME, HUH?

YES, BECAUSE...

YOUR NIGHT STICK IS POKING ME.

VELMA, MY...

MY WALKIE-TALKIE'S ON THE TABLE.

YOU CAN GO.

I'LL CALL YA IF'N I NEED YA.

AND THANKS, MR. KIM.

BE CAUTIOUS OF THE DRIPS.

HA HA HA!

HEY, WHAT'S SO FUNNY OVER HERE? I'M' NOT YOUR MOTHER.

YOU WANT ITALIAN ICE?

TELL DON MOTTI

DETROIT DAN IS HERE.

I'LL, UH, CALL HIM, MR. DAN.

FOLLOW ME, DETROIT DAN.

( glass breaks )

WALK GINGERLY, DETROIT DAN.

( music playing )

( door closes )

SORRY. WRONG WAY.

P.A.: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE UPTOWN "A" TRAIN IS NOW MAKING ONLY LOCAL STOPS

FROM 59th STREET TO 125th.

THE EXPRESS TRAIN SERVICE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

STEP LIVELY NOW AND WATCH THE CLOSING DOORS.

YOU CAN FIND YOUR WAY FROM HERE.

TAKE CARE, DETROIT DAN.

WILL I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN?

NO.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU'VE GOT A BIG BOOGER RIGHT HERE.

GOOD-BYE, DETROIT DAN.

P.A.: THE PRICE OF TOKENS HAS INCREASED TO $15 APIECE.

EXACT CHANGE ONLY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

STEP LIVELY AND WATCH THE CLOSING DOORS.

PAISAN, TI SALUTE.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,

DETROIT DAN.

I'M JUST GOING OVER YOUR RESUME--

THE SCHILLIANOS FAXED IT OVER.

GREAT. NOW I SUPPOSE THEY'RE GONNA WANT 10%.

THIS IS A VERY IMPRESSIVE LIST.

IN 1986, YOU HIT BRUNO "FAT FINGERS" FANELLI.

IN '87, ANGELO "NICOTINE" NICOTERA...

MONDO PAOLUCCI.

NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HIT.

RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.

THIS SHOWS HIM DROWNED.

WELL, UH, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU'RE TOUGH.

YOU'VE GOT A QUICK WIT.

AND YOU CAN EVEN RESIST A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

WE SHALL BECOME AS ONE.

WE SHALL BOND AS ONLY THE COSA NOSTRA CAN.

( gasps )

URGGH! AUGHHG!!

Velma: NOW, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S THAT GUY HORTZ?

Francis: WELL, IT'S HIS FREQUENCY.

WELL, WHERE IS HE?

ACCORDING TO THESE COORDINATES...

IN CONEY ISLAND.

WHAT THE HELL?!

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TODAY, MOM.

OH, GREAT.

NOW WE GOT A HOMELESS GUY LIVING IN OUR TRUNK.

TRUNK PEOPLE-- THAT'S A NEW ONE.

OH, I GET IT.

YOU GUYS ARE UNDERCOVER.

WELL, YEAH-- FOR A PRICE.

OKAY, I WON'T SAY NOTHIN'.

HIT ME, I WON'T SAY NOTHIN'.

HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY.

THAT'S THE GUY ON THE NEWS,

THAT'S THE MOTTI WITNESS GUY!

YEAH?

OH, LETS'S STRAIGHTEN YOU UP.

THANK YOU, AUNT BEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS WALK HIM AROUND THE PARK

AND SHOW HIM A GOOD TIME.

GET HIM SOMETHING TO EAT,

I'LL MEET YOU BACK AT THE OFFICE.

HOW ABOUT NATHAN'S? FOR A HOT DOG.

MY STOMACH HAS BEEN GROWLING LIKE A FUNKY, FUNKY, FUNKY HIT RECORD!

THAT'S HIS AFTERSHAVE YOU... OH.

HI. GET ME MR. MOTTI, PLEASE.

Francis: I GOTTA GO SAVE HIM.

Velma: I'M COMIN' WITH YOU.

IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.

OH, REGULATIONS, SCHMEGULATIONS.

GIVE ME A KISS RIGHT HERE.

NO, NO, I CAN'T.

OH, HURRY!

MMMM.

I JUST GOT YA BACK, ANGEL.

I' NOT LETTIN' YA GO NOW.

I'M COMIN' WITH YA.

OKAY.

OWWW!!!

WHOA! WHOO!

BOY, THIS BONDING STUFF IS EXCRUCIATING!

WHAT'S THAT?!

( phone rings )

WHEW.

YEAH?

CONEY ISLAND, HUH?

OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA GET A BIG REWARD.

JUST DON'T MOVE.

OUR PROBLEM HAS BEEN SPOTTED ON CONEY ISLAND.

GO WASTE HIM.

AWRIGHT--

AWRIGHT.

YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT GUY.

OH! THIS WAY'S MUCH SHORTER.

EVIDENTLY.

LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

AWRIGHT, THANK YOU, MR. KIM.

OKAY. OH--HELLO, FELLAS.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR GUNTHER TOODY.

GUNTHER TOODY? YEAH.

LADY, THIS IS THE STANDARD SOCIAL CLUB.

THERE'S NO GUNTHER TOODY HERE.

I HATE TO TELL YA, BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT

THAT MY HUSBAND GUNTHER IS IN THERE.

AND IF HE DOESN'T GET OUT HERE IN EXACTLY TWO MINUTES,

HE'S GONNA REGRET IT TILL THE DAY HE DIES.

NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY, BOTH OF YOU!

WHO IS THIS? COME ON!

I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS--

GUNTHER! LUC--!

GUNTHER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?!

GUNTHER, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?

YOU GORILLAS!

YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU--

BOTH OF YOU!

WHOO!

WHOO! AAH!

( carnival music playing )

WHADDYA SAY, LET'S--

HEY, LET US TAKE YA FOR A RIDE.

MOMMA GOT A ROOM WITH A VIEEEW!

WHOO! YEAH!

RED ROVER, RED ROVER, LET HERBERT TAKE OVER!

YEAH, COME ON, BABY!

( garbage truck revs engine )

LEMME TALK TO CAPTAIN ANDERSON RIGHT AWAY!

CAPTAIN ANDERSON? LUCILLE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I AM SITTING IN A DUMPSTER

THAT YOUR PATROLMAN, GUNTHER TOODY, THREW ME INTO.

HE HAD TWO LARGE MEN WITH VERY THICK NECKS

LITERALLY PICK ME UP AND THROW ME IN THE GARBAGE.

WHO'S WATCHING THE WITNESS?!

OH, THEY LOST HIM SOMETIME LAST NIGHT.

OH, MY GOD!!!

CAPTAIN ANDERSON?

CAPT--OHH! AAAH! AAH!

TV: AND OUR CHALLENGERS LOSING THIS ROUND.

TAKE THE ROCK BACK-- THAT'S YOUR ROCK, PAL!

DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR ROCK!

BITE HIM! BITE THE SON OF A--

LATER TONIGHT, BE SURE TO WATCH THE BOYS IN BLUE,

FEATURING OFFICER GUNTHER TOODY.

THANKS, MR. KIM.

THIS IS THE LIFE!

SAY, AIN'T THAT--

DETROIT DAN...

HE'S A COP!

POLANSKI'S HARDWARE AND PLUMBING SUPPLY--

EVERY CASTLE, A HOME, EVERY SEAT, A THRONE!

HE'S A NO-GOOD, STINKIN' COP!

GET THE CAR.

HOW YA GONNA DISPATCH THIS RAT FINK?

YEAH, HOW YA GONNA CAULK THIS GUY?

WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH THIS BUM,

HIS YUPPIE FRIENDS AIN'T EVEN GONNA RECOGNIZE HIM.

I'M GONNA PLUCK THE HAIRS FROM HIS NOSE, ONE BY ONE.

THIS GUY'S GONNA HAVE TO CALL LONG DISTANCE

TO SEE HOW MUCH CHANGE

HE'S GOT LEFT IN HIS POCKET.

I'M GONNA SHOVE HIS TEETH DOWN HIS THROAT SO FAR

HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BEND OVER TO CRACK A SMILE.

HA HA HA HA HA!

I'M GONNA TEAR HIS ARMS OFF

AND BEAT HIM WITH THE BLOODY STUMPS.

THEN, I'M GONNA MUTILATE HIM.

YEAH, DETROIT, YEAH!

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

( beeping ) BINGO!

THIS IS IT.

UH, HONEY--

DON'T YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD, UH...

YOU KNOW, CHANGE?

OTHERWISE, THEY'RE GONNA KNOW IT'S YOU.

RIGHT.

JUST GO UNDERCOVER.

LIKE TOODY.

YES, JUST LIKE TOODY.

OH, I LOVE YOU, YOU GENIUS MAN, YOU!

( Green Acres theme song plays on TV )

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR. TWO HOUR MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

AND NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

( Russian accent ) WE ARE RECENTLY LIBERATED

FROM OLD COUNTRY.

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR, TWO HOUR MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

HERE'S A SAWBUCK. GIVE US A ROOM, PLEASE.

Carlo: DETROIT, THIS IS THE PLACE.

THEY GOT HIM UP ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

COME ON.

LET'S GO GET HIM. HA HA!

TAKE A POWDER.

BUT DETROIT, I--

GO SEE A PEEP SHOW.

HE WANTS US TO GO A PEEP SHOW.

( screaming )

( all screaming )

IT'S A 12-CAR, PEDAL-PUMPING,

NITRO-BURNING,

SHRED-O-RIFFIC TRUCK!!!

I GOT HIM! DROP 'EM!

MULDOON! JOIN THE PARTY!

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR. TWO HOURS MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M A MAFIA HIT MAN,

AND I GOT A CONTRACT ON A FEDERAL WITNESS.

3B, UPSTAIRS.

HEY!

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR. TWO HOUR MINIMUM.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

Velma: FRAN, I LOVE YOU, BUT HURRY! HURRY!

POLIBETSIAN DANCE SUITE, OPUS 32!

GUNTHER!

FRANCIS! ( tires screech )

Velma: HONEY! IT'S MOTTI!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

DON MOTTI!

DETROIT!

I'M BRINGING HIM RIGHT DOWN!

OOH!

OW! OW!

OH, HELLO, UH,

MR. COMMON CITIZEN OF CONEY ISLAND.

THIS, UH,

OFFICER OF THE LAW

SHOT AND KILLED THIS MAN IN THE LINE OF DUTY.

AND I FEEL IT ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT

EMERGENCY BACKUP UNITS ON THEIR WAY RIGHT NOW.

MY, MR. COMMON CITIZEN OF CONEY ISLAND,

DON'T YOU THINK PERHAPS YOU SHOULD, UH,

CLEAR THE PREMISES

SO THE POLICE CAN DO THEIR WORK?

DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD PULL ONE OVER ON DON MOTTI?

TAKE 'EM OUT!!!

IT'S A MAFIA HIT!

NETWORK?

IS THIS NATIONAL? AM I ON RIGHT NOW?

MY NAME IS NICO GAMBUCCI--

GET HIM, YOU MORONS!

HEY, YOU STILL HAVE AN HOUR LEFT!

( gunshots )

YOU MISSED US! HA HA HA!

WHO ARE YOU AIMING AT?!

( guns firing )

Motti: KEEP GOIN'! STRAIGHT AHEAD!

EDNA: ALERT! THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED!

CALLING ALL CARS!

ALL CARS, COME IN!

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING!

DAMNIT, WHY DON'T THEY ANSWER?!

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?!

FOR ONLY A DOLLAR, YOU CAN HOSE--

WHERE ARE THEY?

FOR ONE DOLLAR, YOU CAN HOSE DOWN OUR TARGETS.

CAN I SEE THAT GUN?

GET OUTTA HERE, KID!

GOOD SHOOTIN', THERE.

HEY, THAT'S MINE!

NO, I WON IT!

COME ON, THEY'RE GETTIN' AWAY!

SERGEANT ABRAMS?

YES, THIS IS VELMA VELOUR.

LOOK, I HAPPEN TO BE DATING FRANCIS MULDOON NOW,

THIS CALL IS STRICTLY BUSINESS.

PLEASE PUT ON THE CAPTAIN.

COME ON!

MOVE IT, HOMEBOYS!

( siren )

THAT'S THEM!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

GET OUTTA THE WAY!

Gunther: OOH! OUTTA THE WAY!

OOF!

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A NAP--COME ON!

DEATH, PLEASE.

HEAD'S UP!

COME ON, LET'S TAKE HIM UP HERE!

COME ON!

GET HIM RIGHT IN THERE, GUNTHER.

HORTZ, GET OUTTA THE WAY!

THERE THEY ARE!

Motti: COME ON!

NOT IN HERE, GET UP THERE!

BY THE WAY, FRANCIS, THIS IS CRIME.

WHEN I SAID THAT THERE'S CRIME AND THERE'S CRIME,

THIS IS CRIME.

I JUST NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE LIKE THIS!

THERE THEY ARE! IN THE FRONT CAR!

LOOK, YOU CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

( bullets ricochet )

PRETEND IT'S YOUR WIFE!

WHOA! AAH!

( riders screaming )

AAAH!

AAIEEE!

OOHH!!

YOU DIRTY--

AAAH!!!

FRANCIS! FRANCIS! HOLD ME!

THAT WAS ENORMOUS! LET'S DO IT ONE MORE TIME!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!

( retching )

Gunther: WE'LL BE SAFE IN THE TUNNEL OF LOVE!

DO YOU MIND? DO YOU MIND?!

HEY, NO THREESOMES!

THIS IS A FAMILY PARK!

Motti: HEY!

NOBODY'S GONNA PUT DON MOTTI IN THE SLAMMER.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

SAY GOOD-NIGHT.

HEY!

LEO SCHNAUZER!

HEY, GUNTHER.

MOM? SON!

FRANNIE! VELMA!

TOODY! BRANDY! ARLENE!

HERBIE! HERBIE!

NICO! CARLO!

( whimpering ) IT'S VERY DARK IN HERE...

MOMMY!

I WANT MY MOMMY!

OFFICER SCHNAUZER IS TAKING ME TO FLORIDA.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

ARREST THAT MAN!

I DID IT ALL! I CONFESS!

I CONFESS, I DID IT!

MMM... MMM...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. I MEAN THAT, ALL OF YA.

WE'RE GOING BACK FOR A LITTLE BEER AND BONDING. STOP THE BOMBER!

FRANCIS, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT IN MY BOOK...

PARTNER. THANKS, GUNTHER.

AS LONG AS YOU TWO ARE HERE,

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE SWANS?

NO, I REALLY DON'T--

TUNNEL OF LOVE, BABY, GRRR!

GRRR! GO! GET IN!

STOP, MR. KIM, STOP!

NOW, COME ON, EVERYONE.

SOMEBODY HELP THEM OUT. GET OUT!

LOVE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

GUNTHER TOODY!!!

LUCILLE!

STOP THAT SWAN!

OOH! OOH!

FREEZE, RAT-FACE!

"RAT-FACE"? GIMME THE GUN!

DON'T EVEN TRY IT.

OH, MISS DIRECTOR!

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'LL NEED

A CLOSE-UP OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER OF THE 53rd?

FUGGEDABOUT THE KIDDIES.

WE'RE GONNA GO FOR ANOTHER RIDE!

Lucille: OH, MY MR. TOODY-BEAR, YES!

Gunther: OOH! OOH!

¶ C'MON, EVERYBODY, LEMME HEAR YA SAY ¶

¶ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BLOW OUR BLUES AWAY ¶

¶ LET'S LIVE!

¶ LET'S LIVE!

THE BABY CONDOR

CAN SIT AROUND THE MOTHER'S NEST

EATING HER REGURGITATION

FOR ONLY SO LONG.

RIGHT.

SEORITA ESQUAILA'S,

THE BEST COIN-OPERATED LAUNDRY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

AAARHHH...

SO THEN, THE BABY CONDOR HAS TO TEST ITS WINGS,

AND LEAVE THE MOTHER, AND LEARN HOW TO FLY.

RIGHT.

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK SHE BELIEVES IN BIRTH CONTROL?

DO YOU THINK SHE WANTS TO HAVE A LARGE FAMILY?

WELL, UH...

WHAT ABOUT BUSING? DOES SHE LIKE PRIVATE OR PUBLIC?

WHERE IS SHE GONNA SEND THE KIDS TO SCHOOL?

DOES SHE LIKE HER DONUTS POWDERED OR CHOCOLATE?

I MEAN, THOSE KIND OF THINGS GET IN YOUR TEETH--

¶ I LOVE HER SO MUCH

¶ I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT MAMBO LOVE ¶

¶ OH, TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT ¶

¶ MAMBO LOVE

¶ I LOVE THAT MAMBO LOVE

Woman: MR. MOTTI, ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE MANAGED

TO WIN THE HEARTS OF THE JURY WITH A "NOT GUILTY" VERDICT.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WELL, JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL,

BUT THEY HAD NO FLASHLIGHT AND IT WAS VERY DARK OUT,

SO THEIR MOM CALLED THEM

AND TOLD THEM THAT THEY HAD TO COME HOME RIGHT AWAY.

AND MY UNCLE'S BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN'S NEPHEW'S NEIGHBOR

TOLD ME THAT THEY WAS VERY SCARED.

AND THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

CAN I HAVE AN ICE CREAM NOW?

¶ MULDOON, TOODY, VELMA VELOUR ¶

¶ THE WHOLE POSSE, IN FULL EFFECT ¶

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

¶ GOOD COP, BAD COP COUPLA FLAT-FOOTED HIP COPS ¶

¶ KEPT A BEAT, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH ¶

¶ STOP AND LISTEN TO THE SOUND THAT'S GOIN' AROUND ¶

¶ THEY GOT A SATELLITE DISH SO THEY KNOW YOU AIN'T DOWN ¶

¶ WHEN YOU MAY BE UPTOWN BREAKIN' THE LAW ¶

¶ WHAT YOU WANNA DO THAT FOR? ¶

¶ YOU WANNA ROB THAT STORE?

¶ I'LL TELL YA WHAT, WE'LL GIVE 'EM CAR 54 ¶

¶ THE BOYS IN THE BLUE

¶ THEY MAKE A TV SHOW ABOUT THE 53rd ¶

¶ BUT THEY PROBABLY NEVER HEARD ABOUT MOTTI ¶

¶ WHO'S GOTTA GET THE WITNESS ¶

¶ AWAY FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE POLICE PROTECTION ¶

¶ MULDOON AND TOODY NEGLECTED THEIR DUTY ¶

¶ THEY WENT INTO THE BAR AND FORGOT ABOUT THE CAR ¶

¶ THEY'RE UP ON CONEY ISLAND, THE SATELLITE WILL FIND 'EM ¶

¶ IN THE END, EVERYTHING IS OKAY ¶

¶ THE WITNESS NEVER GETS AWAY ¶

¶ AND SO THE STORY GOES

¶ I COULDN'T TELL YOU ANY MORE ¶

¶ THEY SAID THAT VELMA VELOUR, SHE LOVES CAR 54 ¶

¶ CAR 54

MMM!

THIS IS MRS. MANACOTTI.

SHE MAKES THE BEST CANNOLIS ON THE BLOCK!

ANYTIME YOU IN BROOKLYN JUST COME BY,

AMORE MIO.

HA HA HA!