Original subtitles

Ah, an enchanted princess.

You're not a dwarf.

Come away, fair maiden.

We shall be married at once.

Married? One kiss, and suddenly I'm engaged?

I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.

Be gone! And watch where you walk.

The bunnies eat a lot of fruit.

You'll be my princess.

Like that line of work's such a bargain.

Affairs, bulimia, divorce. I read People.

Here. Unhand me.

I'm too young to get married.

A sense of humor. I like that in my chattel.

No. I've got goals.

I've got dreams. I've got ambition.

Wait! Come back! Miss Miller!

Miss Miller!

Miss Miller? Miss Miller?

Miss Miller?

Oh, I must have been having a little nightmare. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's time.

I'm sorry. It's just that I'm juggling three jobs,

and so I really...

This audition is so important.

We're on in 45 minutes.

Okay, thank you, thank you.

Hi. My name is Joy.

Oh, it is such a pleasure to meet you.

You know, I am such a big fan.

Listen, if I get this job, I guarantee you, honey,

that you will never frizz, you'll never kink up.

And on Fridays, I will give you a set so stiff,

you won't have to touch it till Monday.

Just keep it simple.

Sure, sure. Less is more. That's my motto.

30 sec--

Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Come on. Oh, this is so exciting.

I swear, I never miss you on TV.

In five, four,

three, two...

Good evening, and welcome to New York state lotto.

Tonight, you could win or share a jackpot

of three million dollars.

And now, for tonight's winning lottery numbers.

They gave the job to a cool, sophisticated European.

Look, call me a realist.

Is teaching night school so terrible?

Maybe one day you could own your own beauty parlor.

Maybe raise a family. God forbid, eh?

I don't want to settle.

Sweetheart, I say this because I love you. Settle.

Meanwhile, did you see me take one or two Mylantas?

I'm still not good.

Don't listen to your mother. She's not like us.

We're dreamers.

But, Daddy, you settled.

You opened a stationery store.

No. That was my dream. I love cards.

But, look... Ma, you know, it's not as if

I don't want to settle down and raise a family.

I'd just like to meet a guy who wears less jewelry than I do.

You always did set your sights too high.

When I meet the right guy, I'll know. I don't know how,

but I'll feel some kind of an utz in my stomach.

Hi, sweetie. Ooh, Ma, he's still biting himself?

Uh, the vet says it's stress.

What do you have to be stressful about?

I can't imagine.

Royal blue, rust, sapphire,

turquoise, violet and wine.

Excellent!

You know, the Ultra-Pearl shadows are always the hardest.

Now, let's see...

I don't think it looks right.

You got to move the mole.

Class, the mole always goes over the left lip.

This way, it balances the cigarette, see?

Otherwise, if it's all on the same side,

you look like you're going to fall over.

Angelica, it's called Revlon, not Dutch Boy.

Class, class, what is our motto here?

Flashy, not...

Trashy. Excellent.

Hector, no! The cigarette! That hair spray is flammable!

I ain't smoking no cigarette.

Oh, my God! Mommy!

Somebody get a spritzer bottle. Go spritz it, go spritz it.

Hurry!

Oh, oh, a big fire! A big fire.

We'll get out of here, no problem. I'm the teacher.

Everybody get out of here, single file.

- I've got it! - Don't panic.

Just move very slowly, single file.

We'll get out of here, no problem.

People, don't worry about your stuff.

We're all going to get out of here alive.

Oh, Hector, Hector, Hector, we got to go save the animals.

I ain't saving no rats. Burn, baby, burn!

Oh, don't breathe. Don't inhale.

They say it's the smoke that gets you.

Hold on. I'm coming. I'm going to save you.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh. Ooh, I can't believe I'm doing this!

Ooh. Would you relax? It's just embossed vinyl.

Bring it up! Come on, come on, bring it up!

Keep it coming!

Come on, let's tap in.

Two guys are on the roof.

That's it. That's all of them.

You are a hero, Miss Miller.

Do you need any oxygen? Huh?

Oh. Oh, oh, um, no thanks, fireman.

I'm, uh... I'm fine.

Thank you. Okay.

You know, I'm feeling a little short of breath.

He was talking to me.

Hey, Miss Miller, smile. Oh, no.

Oh.

Her.

"'Confident' is a good word."

"'Unstoppable' is a good word."

"'Unbelievably blessed' are great words."

"Promise yourself to be so strong

that nothing can disturb your peace of mind."

"Speak happiness and peace with everyone you meet."

Excuse me. Get away. This is pepper spray.

It'll blind you. Oh. It's Binaca.

I'm not criminal. Look. I have suit.

Wait a minute. Are you from Visa?

'Cause, you know, you shouldn't tell people

that they could just pay the minimum

and hound them day and night.

I'm not bill collector. Ho, there!

Please.

My card.

"Slovetzia"? What's that, your pimp-daddy name?

No, no, no, it's my country.

My name is Grushinsky.

My president, Boris Pochenko,

feels that with the glorious onset

of democracy in our country,

his children should be exposed to Western thought

for six months,

so he sent me to United States to bring back

finest teacher available.

"Brave, selfless, and willing to die." Oh!

His Excellency respects such qualities in a teacher.

Uh, you know what? Talk to the hand.

Please, please, let me finish.

The job pays 40,000 American dollars.

Do they take out FICA?

Of course. What is this FICA?

Please, it is a legitimate offer to live in Eastern Europe.

It's in Europe?

Oh, yes. It's very beautiful.

It's like Paris...

50 years ago.

Paris.

Uh, Paris, mais oui.

You pardon my saying so, Miss Miller,

but a woman of your caliber should experience more

than just this.

You know, that's what I always thought.

Oh, it's obvious. It's such big world.

Do you really want to disappear in this little place?

Eastern Europe? Are you out of your mind?

Ma! It's Europe. They say it's like Paris 50 years ago.

They were Nazis in Paris 50 years ago.

I know. We're late.

But you know, it's really better to be last on board.

Then, your bags come off first.

It's private plane.

Ma, I love you, but you're way too attached to me.

I am not too attached to you.

Oh, really? What's in here, huh? What?

What is this? What?!

You know. I don't.

What's this? Your umbilical cord.

Take me with you.

Ma, I'm sorry, but I just got to try this.

I feel like there's something more out there for me.

I love you, kiddo.

I love you, Ma.

No. No, come back!

Nice to see you...

Hurry up, hurry up.

So, Miss Miller,

I need some information for our files.

Where were you schooled?

Uh, well, I went for two years to the Sassoon Academy,

but I graduated from the Barbizon School.

Oh?

You know, I read in the Frommers

that you're having some internal problems.

Oh, a few young people with too much spirit

and not enough patience.

It's just democracy takes time.

It's nothing to worry about. Don't open the window!

So, whatever supplies you need

for the classroom, the castle will provide.

Oh, well, you know, it's just the usual.

I mean, a couple of heads, cotton balls, mousse.

You need a moose?

No, actually, it's more like gel.

But here, let me just... Here, hold that a minute.

Here...

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

A little bit, 'cause it's the extra-hold kind.

You've got some nice hairline going on here, mister.

Uh, Miss Miller? Yes.

What exactly do you teach?

Beauty culture.

I'm dead man. My life is over.

What's the problem?

I thought you taught science.

Teach it? I-I didn't even pass it.

Oh, please. I must make list

of all the things that I've never done

and do them in the next hour.

Excuse me, but I am the victim here.

This was supposed to be my big break.

I gave up my job, my family.

Mr. Grushinsky, we're in a no-win situation.

Why not try and make the best of it?

You teach beauty school.

Well, I know that, and you know that.

Oh, you Americans and your positive thinking.

There are some situations

that big-toothed person cannot get you out of.

Oh, now, you're just palpitating a little.

Breathe deep. Breathe deep.

There we go. Oh. Oh, Mama.

You know, I don't even know your first name.

Iriasky Ivanovich.

I'll call you Ira.

You know, Ira, I used to give pedicures

to women who wore plastic shoes in summer.

What's a tougher gig than that?

That.

Who's that?

Oh, this, of course, is His Excellency, Boris Pochenko.

His Excellency?

I thought you said he was a president.

Semantics.

Please, come.

Nobody seems very happy.

In Slovetzia,

hard work today, happiness tomorrow.

Oh, you startled me, Prime Minister Kleist.

This is Miss Miller, the children's new tutor.

May I present our Prime Minister,

Leonid Kleist.

Welcome to my country.

I trust you'll find everything to your liking.

If you need something, please don't hesitate to ask...

Well... ...him.

Oh. Mm.

Uh, nice meeting you.

This will be your room.

Wow...

Please.

Many great men have stayed here.

Castro, Khrushchev, Tito.

Well, I'm-I'm sure I'll be very comfortable.

Could I possibly get a blanket without a head?

Please, Miss Miller, of course.

Now, remember,

your audience with His Excellency is in one hour.

One hour? Yes.

You want me to make a good impression, don't you?

Get out, get out. Please hurry.

I got to get all refreshed.

Attention!

Well, where is she?

Did we just go through all this for nothing?

Where is the teacher?!

Someone must know.

Please, Mr. President, she's still in her room.

But she'll be here very soon.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, Mr. President.

I-I know that I'm late, and I'm so sorry.

Please, don't judge me by this.

It's just that it's so dark in this castle,

which is great for atmosphere,

but it's hell for putting on liquid liner,

which, frankly, I can put on

in a crosstown bus sitting over the motor.

But, of course, that wouldn't interest you

because I am an educator,

and no one really cares what an educator looks like.

Still, what's it like outside?

'Cause I was thinking about wearing suede,

and I noticed... Make her be quiet!

I heard.

Joy Miller, since this is your first time in my country,

I will make allowances for you.

Once.

But I do not take lightly your being here.

My children are growing up in a different world than me,

and I believe, despite opinions to the contrary,

that they must learn to live within it.

You must help them face a new century

and the Western dignitaries

who will now be coming into our home.

So in future,

I expect you to be prompt, efficient and dressed.

Is that clear?

Oh, no.

Good day.

Oh, my God.

Rule number one, kids: never surprise a New Yorker.

¿Comprendes?

Oh, my God. You don't speak English?

I'm Katrina. And this is my brother, Karl.

Karl Pochenko, eldest son of His Excellency, the President.

How do you do, Karl? Nice posture.

I look forward to learning all about

your decadent American ways.

Honey, we just met.

What's your name? Masha.

Well, Masha, come out from behind that bedpost

so I can see more than just that gorgeous hair of yours.

You don't look like the other teacher.

She was ugly, with missing teeth,

and her breath smelled like something died,

farting in her mouth. Oy.

We've never met an American before.

Never?!

We don't want to be raped

by your mindless cultural imperialism.

You know, Karl,

you only get one chance to make a first impression.

Oh, sweetie, why do you look so sad?

Let me see what's the matter.

Oh, honey, you shouldn't bite your nails like that.

You want to grow a hand in your stomach?

Miss Miller, will we see you at breakfast?

Oh, sure, sure. Most important meal of the day.

What is this exactly?

Blood sausage in clotted cream.

It's a delicacy.

It must be in your honor.

Oh.

Well, it... looks delicious.

Good morning, children.

Good morning, Father.

Joy Miller.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Your New York Times is completely biased against me.

Oh, don't blame me. I haven't owned it for years.

Won't you be joining us for breakfast?

I can't. I'm very busy.

You know, kids, some of the best memories of my father

were sitting around the breakfast table,

and, you know, he would eat until he got so full

that he would have to roll his undershirt up

over his stomach and make his bellybutton talk.

He was a simple man.

You want to try?

No.

Oh, all right, I'm sorry.

We won't take up any more of your time.

I am not having my bellybutton talk.

There, isn't this nice?

Ah... you know, Mr. President,

I am just so excited to be teaching your children--

I can't tell you.

What? What did she say?

I didn't hear that.

Um, oh well, no bother. We'll come to you.

Come on, kids, hurry up. Your father wants to talk.

Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up. What are they doing?

They are coming to talk. Why?

Joy Miller. Oh, sit, sit.

It's just as easy to move five people as it is one.

There we go.

You know, it was so cute when I woke up this morning,

and all the kids were sitting on my bed.

What?! Is this true?

No, uh-uh.

But you said they were sitting on your bed.

No, no, I said, "if they were sitting on the bed

"it would have been cute...

but highly inappropriate."

So, tell me, what can you get for a place like this?

I mean, in this neighborhood?

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Well, just for curiosity's sake,

how'd it work with your last teacher?

Uh, we read aloud from our text books.

Oh. What'd she do?

She watched.

Sometimes she slept.

And she still got paid? Of course.

Oh, if it ain't broken...

Oh, let's see what we're going to read today here.

Okay, World His...

...tory.

Oop! Here's your father.

"His Excellency, President-for-life Pochenko."

And, Karl, why don't you begin?

"In the winter of 1991, President Pochenko

"led and coordinated Operation Desert Storm,

resulting in a glorious victory for Slovetzia."

What? Let me see that.

One minute here.

Go figure.

Okay, well, now if the person that's in office

is called the president,

what do we call the person that runs against him?

Loser? Traitor?

Missing?

No. The challenger. In a democracy,

you have the right to hold free election.

I mean, this is a free country, isn't it?

Lunch, please. Now. Go. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Ira, I'm sorry. I cannot stand in this classroom

and teach these children these lies.

I... I can't do it.

Then what are you going to teach them?

Things.

Therefore, if you've earned

18,640 frequent flier miles,

but it takes 20,000 miles

to go from Miami to Scottsdale,

how many flights do you have to take

to make up the difference?

Karl?

Uh... one-way New York to Boca Raton?

That's right. Recess.

15 minutes. And remember, kids,

put on your sunblocks because rays today...

Raisins tomorrow.

Fab.

Uh, Miss Miller? Yeah, honey?

May I ask you something? Sure.

You are a woman of the Western world.

Sophisticated.

Promiscuous. Hey.

My father won't let me date.

And all I want to do is have sex.

Sex, sex and more sex.

Well, that might be the reason why he won't let you date,

but English isn't your first language,

so tell me exactly what you mean by "sex."

Oh, well... you know, sex.

Uh... holding hands, eating ice cream.

Oh, well, actually, you've just described

the before and after events,

but we'll talk about that later.

Miss Miller... I'm in love.

Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful.

But my marriage is already prearranged to someone else.

What? And I hate him.

He's a stupid prince with his stupid castles

and his stupid boats.

Got a picture?

Well, you know, with all his money, he could get that fixed.

I don't love him.

Please, you have to help me.

Honey, this is really something for you to discuss

with your father.

No, I... no.

Just tell him how you feel. Assert yourself.

Trust me, he'll respect you for it.

Who is it?

I-It's me... Katrina.

Joy Miller!

You were hired to teach my children,

not fill their head with ideas about boys.

Stick to your duties and let this be

the last time I see you in this office!

Now go.

Fine, I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

You want to screw up your kids, screw up your kids.

It's not my legacy. What...?!

What did she say?

She found screw...

from leg of... table.

Check table legs.

Stop!

Don't shout. There's a man under here.

Is this the only job you can get yourself?

Next. Now, for your information, this boy

Katrina is mooning over is a known agitant.

Well, have you ever met a teenager that wasn't?

He and his friends are fugitives from the law.

She will have an arranged marriage

just like I had, just like her children will have.

Well, that's just ridiculous.

Do you know what happened

to the last person who called me ridiculous?

No.

Well, neither do I,

it's been so long since anyone's seen him.

All right, I'm sorry.

Boy, you can dish it out, but you sure can't take it.

Out! Out! Out! Everybody out!

Not you.

Joy Miller...

...this, me making statement

and you making a mumble comment after-- no good.

Here, I talk last.

Fine, I understand.

P.S., who could get a word in edgewise?

You do it again!

Just teach my children.

That's all.

And don't do that thing again.

All right.

You want to do it, don't you?

Well, doesn't it bother you

that your own children live in fear of you?

It is not fear-- it is respect.

Oh, excuse me. You instill fear.

You-you earn respect.

Oh, no. He punctured you.

Oh, it-it's nothing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so bad with blood. Maybe it needs some hydrogen...

Mr. President, the planning committee

for the summit has arrived.

Good day, Miss Miller.

Good day.

What are you doing here?

Relax. I came to say hello.

Are you insane?

You look, uh, quite...

fetching this evening, Miss Miller.

Who are you, and what'd you do with the little Nazi kid?

There is one area of my education

that has been neglected.

And you are my teacher.

You don't even like me.

I just pretend not to like you

because I'm afraid you don't like me.

I don't like you.

Ah, you can't have everything.

Oh! Oh, my God, it worked!

Are you okay? Leave me alone.

Well, boy, do you blow hot and cold.

Come on, Karl, don't be that way.

This isn't you.

I know. But everyone expects me to be like my father--

take what I want, no questions asked.

He says that's what makes a great leader.

No wonder I hate politics.

Well, look, you're entitled to your opinion.

What are you interested in?

I'm an artist. I-I want to paint.

Well, that's wonderful.

Does your father know about all this?

No, I've never even said it aloud before.

But eventually, I... I will have to tell him.

Oh, he will explode.

Then he would calm down, and then he'd learn to deal with it.

Honey, your father loves you.

He only wants you to be happy.

Thank you. This has been most helpful, Miss Miller.

All right. So, now you got to get out

because I want to get dressed.

Tonight, I'm going to see the sights.

In Slovetzia? Yeah.

You'll be back in 20 minutes.

Geweg.

I think I overdressed.

Katrina?

What are you doing here?

I-I snuck here in the car.

Well, you're going to snuck right back again.

I'm calling you a cab. Where's there a phone?

Um... what about over here?

What, that old building? What's in there?

Uh, I don't know.

It must be some sort of underground club.

You think?

Isn't it great?

Finally, a little culture.

There's a bathroom.

I'm going to see if there's a phone in there.

Don't move. I got eyes in the back of my head.

Ladies, I'm not cutting the line.

I just need a phone.

Dangerous times call for dangerous action!

Things will never change until we get the guts

to actually do something out in the open.

You think Pochenko is just going to wake up tomorrow

and say, "Gee, I should give the people some rights"?

I say firebomb that puppet newspaper of his again.

We've done that.

Now that the world knows who we are, we've got to use the press.

Don't be so naive.

Armed struggle is the birth pain of revolution.

Yes, we may get blood on our hands,

but blood washes clean.

What will you tell your grandchildren?

Will you tell them that you fought like heroes

and brought down the lion?

Yeah!

Katrina!

Katrina?

I am going to choose to believe someone stole that toilet.

Oh.

Katrina. Katrina, they tracked us down here.

They're going to think that I put you up to it.

Don't look. Hide your face.

Alexander Gurko!

Arrest him!

Honey, honey, honey!

Now listen, you want to nip this thing

you got for bad boys right in the bud.

He's not a criminal. He's a patriot!

Insolence.

The audacity!

The nerve to sneak my daughter out of the castle

and bring her to one of those underground, decadent...

Discotheque.

Mr. President, it wasn't my idea to go to a disco.

I really wanted to go to the reggae club down the street.

Reggae club? Address, please?

Uh... it's one of those clubs

that move from place to place. It's not for you.

Don't cover for her.

This is not the first time she does this,

but it will be the last.

Well, what do you mean, "the last"?

Did you just talk back to me?

Mm?

No.

You may go to bed, young lady.

Very smooth. So, now what's she going to do?

Cry her eyes out for an hour

and then probably start dating bikers just to spite you.

You know who Mr. Kleist arrested in that club?

I know.

He could put her in danger.

I know and I'm sorry. I-I was totally wrong.

Wait. It's just...

Wait.

Go back.

You were...?

Wrong.

So that would make me...?

Right.

Right, right, right. Yes!

Don't do the thing.

But I wouldn't have been able to sneak her out

if you spent a little more time with your daughter.

This woman does not understand her job description.

This should not concern you. Miss Miller.

Incredible. Now my prime minister

tells me what does and does not concern me.

I think that is my job.

Leave us. Please?

Out!

You know, you really shouldn't hire friends.

It never works out.

He's right. I do have more important things to do.

But you obviously feel

that I should spend more time with my children.

Yes, I do.

So...

...here is my schedule.

You tell me when.

Okay.

Ah, let's see.

Oh, "Nuclear Disarmament meeting."

That you should go to.

"NATO. NATO. NATO.

NATO. NATO."

Well, I see your point.

But my father was a busy man, too,

and he always made time for us.

And what does your father do for a living?

He owns a stationery store.

Oh, here's one of my heroes.

Thurgood Marshall.

You know, he was an American Supreme Court Justice

who championed equality for all people.

And here's Mother Teresa. She spent her life

as a missionary helping poor people in Calcutta.

I'm not sure who that is.

I think it's the little kid from Eight Is Enough all grown up.

And that's his boyfriend.

Surprise.

Look who's here--

come to watch the proper teaching.

Chemistry.

Won't you have a seat?

A-Anywhere is good.

What subject is this?

Um, well, we call that Shop.

But what about Literature?

Yeah? Flaubert, Turgenev, Shakespeare.

You do know your Shakespeare, don't you?

From covereth to covereth.

Let me just get to the blackboard here, mister.

Don't move, I'm fine.

Ah, one of my favorites.

But we didn't have an assignment on Romeo and Juliet.

West Side Story, honey.

I brought the tape.

It's so much more accessible for the kids to relate to.

Don't you agree? Karl?

I was confused by the film.

I've read of the gang problems

in the United States, but I had not been aware

they were so proficient in ballet.

Well, I'll tell ya, I couldn't get beyond

Natalie Wood's Puerto Rican accent,

but, you know, that's if you lived there.

I think that if their narrow-minded families

had not kept them apart,

they would have experienced the long life of true love.

I know, kids.

Why don't we show your father how all do a fire drill?

No, no, no. This is interesting.

You see, I believe the tragedy

in the story was because

the children took matters into their own hands.

See, class, this is good.

We're have a dialogue. We're debating.

I thought today we were going to learn cornrows.

Next week, sweetie.

It was the parents' fault.

They were just so cut off and dead inside.

They felt they had to trample everyone else's dreams

just so that they could prove they were still alive.

This will never be, Katrina. Never!

Put this out of your mind.

Do you understand?

We are ready, Mr. President.

That boy's future is already decided.

It is?

Pochenko... Pochenko...

Four weeks ago, a known traitor,

Alexander Gurko, plotting to overthrow our government,

was arrested!

He is being held here, in the dungeons of this castle.

The same dungeons where centuries of traitors

have eaten their last meals and drawn their last breaths!

Let this serve as a warning...

that we will not tolerate

any assault on the peace-loving,

democratic government of Slovetsia!

I always wanted to do that.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep. You?

I don't sleep.

Oh, well... you want a sandwich?

What kind?

Oh, well, that depends.

You know, is this tuna fresh?

Because I noticed your country's landlocked.

I call someone.

Wait. It's not as if they don't work hard enough all day.

Come on, we can make our own sandwich.

I don't know where anything is in this kitchen.

Oh, come on.

I can find food at Gandhi's house.

What, are you kidding me? Here.

Cut.

Pardon me.

Oh, oh, thanks, thanks.

Want to talk about it?

My country is broke.

So for months, we plan summit meeting

for Western heads of state to show we are stable enough

to receive foreign aid, but now since these arrests,

your press makes me out to be worse barbarian than ever.

I mean, they don't understand.

I have to show strength.

You know, if you want to show strength,

the man that rules with his heart rules the world.

Unfortunately, Joy Miller, life is not so simple.

Well, it can be if you don't

spend half your time complicating it.

Turkey? White meat.

They always give me dark. I... I don't like.

You know, you should try running a country for a day.

It's not all making war and smashing dissidents, you know.

It's hard work. I'm sure it is.

Where is some... ? What?

Mayonnaise.

We finished it. Oh.

You're lying.

It's all gone. Where is it?

I had to scrape for this. Give it me.

Oh, all right, I'll give it you, give it you.

Here you go.

I just hope you realize

you're entering those dangerous heart attack years.

Why must you always go one step too far?

When you could be... such a pleasant person...

if you just had a tiny, little "edit" button.

Now I can't enjoy!

Well, it's better with the mustard anyway.

Here, taste mine.

Come on.

Oh, don't be such a big baby.

♪ Choo-choo Choo-choo ♪

Good.

Sure. Yeah.

Now why haven't you been married?

Well, it's not as if I've never been asked.

But, you mean, your parents allowed you to refuse?

You know, in our country,

we decide who we're going to marry.

I've decided on John Kennedy, Jr.,

and while he's in denial, I'm going to travel.

You know, your laugh reminds me of my wife.

You're kidding?

No.

She laughed with... with her whole heart.

Just like you.

Aw...

You must really miss her, huh?

You know, I...

I never appreciated her.

Then she was gone, and... and I realized too late.

You know, the kids showed me her picture.

She was very beautiful.

Every time I look into their faces, I see her.

Well, you should look a little closer.

There's a lot of you in there.

Joy Miller, I...

Yes?

I have someplace special

that I would really like to show you tomorrow.

It would mean a lot to me.

Well, I'm going to have to clear it with my boss.

Good.

Till tomorrow then.

Okay.

Tomorrow.

Good night.

Night.

This is a special place.

Was it special for someone else, too?

It's where I slaughtered my first cow.

I was ten.

And my father told me I could eat

only what I killed myself.

All I had were two sticks and a butter knife,

but I learned to be a man that day.

Oh. What a sweet story.

Oh, hi, Vaclav.

Good morning, Miss Miller.

How's your cold?

Much better, thank you.

That echinacea is a miracle worker.

All right.

You know him?

Sure. That's Vaclav.

He must be new.

New? He's been working here 50 years.

Oh! Vaclav. Yeah.

He changed his hat.

You know, folks around here are pretty friendly

if you just get to know them a little better.

People do not warm up to me.

Well, have you ever tried talking to them?

No. Oh.

Svetlana!

No. Don't!

Svetlana, wait up.

Wait. Come on.

Hi.

Svetlana, I want you to meet the President.

How do you do?

I killed a cow right over there.

Nice meeting you.

Carry on.

Yeah, well, you'll get better at it,

but at least now you know that even when I'm not around,

you can just walk up to somebody and talk...

Who's that over there? Oh.

What is he doing?

It looks like...

he's saying hello.

Don't be ridiculous.

He's saying hello.

We follow them.

What a nice man that hermit was.

I didn't even know I had a hermit.

All right. Enough for today.

You want to save some peasants for tomorrow, don't you?

Meanwhile, where are we?

I don't even think we're on your land anymore.

I am President. Is all my land.

We're lost, aren't we?

We're not lost.

Well, we're going in circles.

No, we're not.

Well, either these are my heel marks,

or that hermit's got a whole other life

that we know nothing about.

I know where we are.

Well, where are we?

We're in the woods.

I knew it.

Why can't you just ask one of them for directions?

No.

Please. Asking for directions is not the first step

to a two-party system, you know.

Look, I know where we're going.

Where are we going?

There.

Oh, right. Like you knew that was going to be there.

I did. That's where I wanted to take you.

That factory?

What do they make there?

I don't want to give it away.

It's a surprise?

It's a factory. What do you care what they make?

Oh, come on.

There will be lots more people to meet.

Okay.

What is he doing now?

He's taking her to a factory.

No, he's doing something much more dangerous.

He's being spontaneous.

Hurry!

Pretty exciting, huh?

Bet this doesn't happen every day.

Oh! Now we'll have to work late tonight.

I'll miss my supper.

Well, at least you'll be able

to rack in some good overtime, huh?

What is "overtime"?

What, are you kidding me? Who's your union representative?

What is "union"?

It is none of your business!

And who is this... Norma Rae?

You know, I might have said the word "strike."

I say a lot of things. Who listens?

Meddler!

Let me tell you three things.

Number one, that place is a sweatshop.

Number two, all that phony hero worship!

How could that be satisfying? And number three...

Well, one and two should be enough.

Miss Miller?

Honey, don't scare me like that.

I need your help. I must see Alek.

Oh, talk to the hand, 'cause the ears ain't listening.

The jailer is asleep right now.

All you have to do is come keep watch.

Now there are jailers involved?

Forget it, honey. Oh, please.

Don't you remember what it felt like when you were young?

You're not scoring any points here.

I should have guessed. What do you know about love?

You're nearly twice my age, yet you've never been married.

Well, I've had to operate from within a very limited pool.

Or maybe you're just afraid to fall in love.

You know, when I first got here,

you were such a nice, quiet little girl.

Who have you been hanging out with?

Miss Miller, please.

If you believe in love... help me.

For your information,

it's not that I'm afraid to fall in love.

I'm waiting for the utz in my stomach.

Meanwhile, you didn't mention this dungeon was such a schlep.

Alek.

Katrina? It's good to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

You've only got five minutes.

Oh, God, you all right?

Yes. I miss you so much.

I miss you.

She got them to strike.

Before she come, they don't even know the word.

This teacher is a loose cannon.

She's aimed straight at your presidency.

You're overreacting. I... No.

Here. You see where it says, "A.P.?"

This is seen by one billion people.

Overreaction is not possible.

- No way! - Left foot, green.

You're making this way too hard for me.

Joy Miller! Hi!

Hello, Father. Hello, Father.

What are you doing? We are playing Twister.

Now, I don't think I'm overreacting when I read...

What's Masha wearing?

Oh, honey, let's go show him.

You know, we designed it ourselves

from the Ralph Lauren sheets that I brought from the house.

Look at me. I'm a big, beautiful woman.

Yeah, it's control-top pantyhose.

It holds you in like a stuffed sausage.

Well.

You look lovely, Masha.

Now, about this business at the factory...

Oh, you know what? There's no need to apologize.

I know that you were cranky

'cause you didn't have your lunch.

You could be hypoglycemic.

You should carry a piece of cheese with you.

What is this? What?

Oh, that's just to keep him from biting his nails.

Look how happy he is.

But he is the son of the president, not a dog.

Oh, I know he's not a dog.

Here you go, sweetie.

Do I not intimidate you at all?!

Is one of your sideburns shorter than the other?

You said sideburns. Sideburns are done now.

All right. No pressure.

Look, a lot of great men had mustaches.

Hitler, Franco. Einstein.

That's who you want to look like?

What are you afraid of?

You don't have a harelip under there, do you?

Who can even remember?

Well, you know, it catches crumbs.

It does not. Yeah, it does.

No, it doesn't. When you eat Danish.

Really? Uh...

Oh, who cares? It is my image.

Exactly-- beast.

And you've got all those important diplomats

coming to the summit, right?

You want to sell them.

Look-- that says groomed, civilized.

You know, Sonny Bono shaved off his mustache,

and now he's a congressman.

Well, but I... I've had this mustache for...

20 years.

And that's exactly how many years

I'm going to knock off you, baby.

Would you just trust me?

My Aunt Marilyn never looked better.

That a boy.

See? This isn't going to hurt one bit.

You know, that summit thing's another huge mistake.

What do you mean?

Well, I just think that it would be better

if you threw a party.

I mean, you know, you catch more flies

with honey than you do vinegar.

Well, I don't think it wise

to plead poverty to foreign leaders,

then spend a fortune

entertaining their dignitaries.

Oh, you don't have to spend a fortune.

Forget sit-down; you do the whole thing buffet,

out in the courtyard, alfresco.

And you know what?

You could skip the open bar, too.

They're all on expense accounts.

I'd say use a deejay, but, you know,

live music can really make an event.

Done.

Now your only problem will be convincing them

that you're old enough to run a country.

Is not bad.

I'll say.

Oh, who am I kidding? What?

Well, shaving and throwing a party

will not convince anyone that I am... a civilized man.

Well, that's why right after dessert,

you announce to everybody

that you're letting Alexander Gurko go free.

What?

Yeah. Right there in front of everybody.

Big surprise. Never.

Oh, what do you care about some 18-year-old pisher?

He's got the whole world against you,

and he can't even shave yet.

But if you let him go, if you're the bigger man,

then you won't just be a president anymore,

you'll be a statesman.

That's interesting.

But will it work?

Sure. That's the extra oomph that every party needs.

Or the first step towards anarchy.

No, no. It's the first step towards your realizing

that you don't have to be a tyrant

to have people follow you. I mean, look at you--

you're smart, you're charming, you're sexy.

I'll do it... and you will plan it!

Me? Yes.

I want it done exactly like they would in America.

But... You will not rest until it is finished.

No, but... You will work day and night.

But I... I'm not a professional.

I mean, I don't cater.

You can do this.

You're smart, you're charming, you're sexy.

You're on.

Is all right.

Is the mustache-- changes my whole look.

You know, I meet people now.

Hello.

Oh, excellent, beautiful.

You know what? If you want to get a little bit creative,

you can get a hard-boiled egg,

take a couple of pieces of olive here,

a little bit of radish, you know, for the mouth,

and a carrot curl, and look what you got:

Lucille Ball.

Good.

No, no. It's way too boxy.

You know, shoulder pads are passé.

Oh. Oh, this is all you.

I am sorry, I cannot make from head or tail this recipe.

What is the problem? It's a simple chicken cutlet.

Oh, come on, I'll show you how it's done,

but tomorrow night, I'm not going to be able to...

What's that? That's the chicken.

It's alive.

Of course it's alive. You wanted fresh, no?

Not that fresh.

You want for party,

then you must show me how to prepare.

Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.

Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.

Know what? Everybody's going to have to clear out.

I-I cannot work with a million people

looking over my shoulder.

You know, I could do this, mister.

I eat chicken all the time.

I mean, I'd be hypocritical if I couldn't do this.

Hi.

What's that over there?

Hey, you know what? I can't do this. You happy now?

I'm just going to have to tell them that I...

Miss Miller? Oh! What?

What are you doing?

Uh, it was, um...

I was trying to scare the chicken to death.

But he obviously doesn't want to die for his country.

Just being selfish.

Hello?

Hello, sweetheart.

Oy, Ma. It's the middle of the night.

I got a hundred people coming tomorrow.

We've got good news.

You remember that European they hired at Lotto to class it up?

Yeah. Well, they fired her.

They don't want class, they want you.

Me?! So pack your things...

Wait a minute, Ma, I can't go now.

What are you talking about? This is your big opportunity.

Lotto. Big Spin.

Live at 5:00!

Sweetheart, before you give this job up,

just what are you giving it up for?

What is this?

I said, what is this?

Potpourri.

Our country is destitute,

but at least we go down smelling like...

...apple cinnamon.

You like?

Yves Saint Laurent.

Makes me more approachable.

Mr. President, you must do something about this factory.

You get one strike, you get two--

like bugs. We must crush them.

Now, your signature, please,

and this decree will authorize the troops to go in.

Give them what they want. Please?

Overtime. Unions.

I have a decree of my own.

Already signed?

Joy Miller swears that a happy worker works harder.

Interesting thought.

Make some banners-- "Happy Workers Work Harder."

Mr. President, I must speak. This is a recipe for disaster.

Mr. Kleist...

...talk to the hand.

Isn't that cute? I love that.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Oh, no, I can't believe

you told him about letting the kid go.

Those go in the lanai.

I had to-- he made me walk with him.

He's a very intimidating walker.

Well, what did he say? Nothing really.

Just that you should back off

before something unfortunate happens to you.

He threatened me?

I suppose so, if you want to take it like that.

Oh, great, as if I'm not tense enough.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I look like my mother when they took her off Fen-Phen.

I have idea--

why don't I order Ivan to give you nice massage?

Oh, right, and when you-know-who finds out

that I stopped in the middle of everything

to use his personal masseur, well...

Well, then I shall just have to see

that you-know-who does not find out about it.

Ira! Is that bravery peeping through that schvitz?

Oh, please, please, is just experiment.

Don't get used to it, please.

Oh...

Good, good.

Yellow flowers! Very good!

Is this asparagus?

I love asparagus!

This way.

You are letting him go?

Is the right thing to do. It will make me a statesman.

It will make you a corpse! The masses are not famous

for nice treatment of ex-leaders.

He's one prisoner.

It only takes... one.

Of course I trust Mr. Grushinsky,

but if anyone should find out...

Oh, no one's going to find out.

Now let me get undressed,

and you find some music to play.

John Tesh puts me to sleep.

Is that you, Ivan?

Yeah.

Good. Let's get started.

Come on.

You can do better than that.

Harder.

Harder.

Mmm. Mmm.

Harder!

Now take off the towel.

Here, I will do it.

Now keep going. It hurts all the way down.

What are you doing?

Shiatsu.

I-I-Ivan?

I-I-Ivan...

Look, I think my back is done.

No, no! Still too tense.

It's that woman.

You know who I mean. Joy Miller.

Yeah.

I've never met anyone quite like her.

She just has to walk into the room, and I spasm.

I think it's that voice.

Who has a voice like that?

So what if those windows

are 12th Century?

Can't we put screens on them?

Sorry.

I like her. Me, too.

Still, there's something about her.

I don't know how to describe it.

She gives me...

a feeling...

in my stomach.

Not bad, exactly.

More like...

Utz.

It's crazy, I know.

It's probably just heartburn.

And yet, it's more.

You ever felt like this, Ivan?

Ivan?

Oh, come in.

So, what did I tell you? Magic fingers.

Oh, not now, Ira.

The president, he's got the utz for me,

and I'm turning down Live At 5:00...

That's wonderful!

Of course, I don't know what the hell you are talking about,

but look what I have brought you from His Excellency.

A present? For you to wear at the ball.

And because you can't wear formal without borrowing

a teensy-weensy bit of crown jewel.

You don't like?

Oh, Ira, I love it.

It's the most beautiful, sweet, thoughtful gift.

Then what's wrong?

I have to tell him.

No, bad idea.

I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore.

Wait.

All "fix-ed."

No.

It's time.

Not bad, eh?

Hello.

My God.

You better be careful. A girl could get used to this.

You should. I'll just keep having parties.

Something's wrong?

Uh, yeah, but before I get into it,

let me just say this.

I-I really feel like my work here is done.

I mean, the kids are doing great,

I finally got you into a pair of loafers,

and tonight's party is just going to be

a drop-dead gorgeous affair.

What are you talking about?

I haven't been totally honest with you.

I'm not a real teacher.

I just have a beauty license.

Beauty license?

I teach makeup and hair.

It's all I know.

I mean, at first it was easy to pretend,

but then I started to fall in love with... your kids,

and I got to know you much better,

and, and now it just seems wrong.

What kind of a man do you take me for?

Well, I was hoping one that could see the bigger picture.

You have the nerve to come here

and tell me you are not a teacher...

when you are the best teacher I have ever known.

I am? Yes.

The children blossom before my eyes.

They're happy. They're confident.

If that comes from learning hair,

then tomorrow I make new law--

all teachers must have beauty license.

Oh, Mr. President, I...

I don't know what to say.

Oh, my God, call an ambulance!

She doesn't know what to say.

Well, perhaps I should take advantage

of this silence and...

ask for the evening's first dance.

Oh, a slow dance?

You know, I've never really been good

at that whole Arthur Murray thing.

This is nice.

Is simple. Just follow me.

And... one, two, three, one, two, three,

one, two, three...

Gee, I feel kind of silly without any music.

There, you see?

You are a wonderful dancer.

Oh, I guess all I needed was a great leader.

Hey, Yuri, look how handsome you look.

Oh, sweetie, quit tugging on your suit.

You can take it off later, I promise.

Sweetie, what's the matter?

Why you moping here in the corner?

You should be off conning some adult

into giving you a whiskey sour.

How am I supposed to enjoy a party?

Oh, honey, let me tell you three things.

Number one: you can never tell

when things are going to start looking up.

Number two: if you could,

you'd know it was going to be right after dessert.

And number three:

after everything, you don't want Mr. Right-ski

to see you with runny mascara, now, do you, hmm?

Miss Miller! I love you.

Oh, no.

Yuri! Yuri!

Guess he thought the invite said casual.

I'll get him, I'll get him.

Yuri?

Yuri?

Miss Miller. You dance lovely.

Thank you.

I see the party's even put a smile on your face.

Oh, yes, I don't know when I've been in such good mood.

In fact, you throw such good party,

I think from now on, this is just what you stick to.

Huh?

From now on, you take orders from me,

and when I say jump, you say, "How high?" Yes.

Or I go straight to His Excellency,

and I tell him your dirty little secret.

You think you're so smart, don't you?

Well, I got a little surprise for you, mister.

I already told him, and he don't care.

So you can take your threats

and your Miss Thing attitude and just shove it up your--

He knows you sneaked Katrina down to see Alek Gurko?

No, that he don't know. How'd you find out?

Oh, please. That's what I do.

Look, if you think that you can blackmail me--

I know I can.

Oh, not for lying about teaching.

But for treason... life sentence in my country.

So, no more politics.

Do we have an understanding?

Do we have an understanding?

Yes.

Good.

Your first order-- smile, please. Party.

No, no, no, this is not... natural.

Smile.

Ladies and gentlemen...

now that we have all had our dessert,

let me thank you for coming

and for allowing me to put right

certain misconceptions you have all had about me

and my country.

I read your papers.

I know what you call me.

"Boris the Beast."

"Ego-Slavia."

"Stalin without the charm."

But, perhaps now you see that I am...

just a man

trying to be a leader for my people

like all of you.

It's true.

And the true test of a leader

is knowing when to demonstrate what I like to call

that little extra oomph

to show you mean business.

And when not to.

So...

let us all build on tonight

and create a prosperous new future for us all.

Welcome to my home.

The evening is a complete success thanks to you.

What happened? You left out the extra "oomph."

That was the whole point.

But look around.

People are finally getting to see

the real me, and they like it.

For the first time, they pay me respect

not because I free some dissident,

but because of who I am.

You can't believe them; they're politicians.

Miss Miller...

They're going to walk out of here

and they're going to say, "Nice party.

The man's an animal."

If you want their aid, free the kid.

Miss Miller! I don't care anymore.

Look, if you won't do it for your country,

at least do it for your daughter.

You should see them when they're together.

It's the most adorable...

You've seen them together?

Well, actually, I've been sneaking her down to see him.

In the dungeons?

That's where you threw him, isn't it?

They are so much in love.

You would have to be blind not to see...

Do you think this is some kind of a game?

You move us around like pieces on a chessboard

because you know better?

Papa, he's not a criminal. You are.

What are you doing?

You do not understand.

Oh, no?

You have the temper of an eight-year-old.

Your own children are scared to death of you.

And you hit girls. Tell me when I'm getting warm.

This whole thing is none of your business.

You know, you're right.

'Cause if you can't even see that doing the right thing

even when you have nothing to gain

is what makes you a mensch

and decent and civilized...

I can't have anything to do with you.

The boy will remain in prison.

This is not a game.

It is the way things are...

and the way things will always be.

You know what? Everyone is right about you.

You are a beast.

Oh, Karl, I'll miss you.

I made a painting for you.

Oh, how sweet.

I'll hang it right in my...

attic.

It's the way I will always think of you.

I'm so flattered, really.

Oh, sweetie.

You remember what I told you?

"Big is beautiful.

"Boys will like me for what I am:

A princess with a great big dowry."

Oh, sweetie, give it some time.

Why? You think my father someday is

just going to decide he'll let me see Alek?

No.

Give it some time-- in two years you'll be 18,

you can do whatever the hell you want.

What did he say?

He said that he doesn't remember our mother,

but he hopes that she was just like you.

Oh, God.

Oh, come here, come here.

I'll miss you.

I love you kids.

Excuse me.

Oh...

Oh, Ira, I'm sorry.

For you.

How sweet.

Also, the balance of your salary.

The president insisted you be paid

for the remainder of your tenure.

You know what?

You can tell him to take that money and...

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

He's rich, and I'm fired. Give me that.

Oh, Ira, thank you for everything.

Sweetheart, what happened? Are you all right?

You're here. What are you doing here?

What's this? A chicken?

It's a long story. Are you okay?

What can I tell ya?

Vaclav.

Good morning, Mr. President.

How's your cold?

All better. Thank you.

I don't think the president mentioned

wanting to destroy the strike.

Of course, I could've been out of the room.

He's been like zombie for weeks now.

Must the government cease to operate?

Besides, I can't imagine how he could find out.

Can you?

He'd have to be incredibly intuitive.

Or else walk in the door

at exactly the right moment.

That would be another way.

Grushinsky, I underestimate you.

So, I am sending troops into the factory

despite a 30% rise in productivity.

How unlike me.

I was stunned, quite frankly.

And these orders?

Export our grain? Export our wheat?

Some must starve so that others can eat!

No wonder they call me dictator.

Apparently, that's what I am.

Tell me, Grushinsky,

how long have I been such a monster?

Oh, for weeks now, Your Excellency.

Weeks?

You don't say.

After all these years, Leonid,

do you finally think me stupid?

No.

I think you're worse.

A president who turns his back on his people

for the sake of a pretty face.

Watch your tongue,

or I really will show you a monster.

It would be time!

It's like...

It's like she has put a spell on you.

Turtlenecks and-and Twister.

All the time, the country goes without a leader.

You forged my name!

This woman would have you destroy the country.

You must act, Mr. President.

An iron fist.

You are responsible for the people, not to them.

That's where you're wrong, Leonid.

You instill fear,

but you earn respect.

Oh, very good, Mr. President.

You want to see me act?

Guards!

I'm placing Mr. Kleist under arrest.

The charge is treason.

How was that for action?

I was riveted.

Take him away.

Mr. President, please.

I have known your family all my life.

Your grandfather's rule survived the Second World War.

Your father's rule survived Communism.

Are you now to be brought down by... a beautician?

Ma... I'm home.

How was work?

Oh, are you kidding?

What I did with the six hairs on Mrs. D'Amato's head

Siegfried and Roy couldn't do on their best day.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Ma, how come you got all dressed up...?

Oh, no. Don't tell me you're planning a party for me,

because I just cried through one at work, Ma.

No, we're not having a party.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Not having a party?

We wanted to get you something you'd really use.

This is...

a membership to Blockbuster Video.

They're opening a new one right next to Eat-A-Pita.

Ooh. ♪ Da-da-da, da-de-dum... ♪

Oh, this is the single most depressing moment

of my entire life.

Oh... wait.

Lou. Judy.

Look, Joy, it's Uncle Lou.

Hi, Uncle Lou.

Happy birthday, honey.

Thank you.

Oh, you got some tan on your trip.

No, actually, I was in Eastern Europe.

Oh.

Uh, here, Jerry, remember-- a hard seat for me.

Ma, I hope you didn't do what I think you did.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, Doris!

Everybody, it's Cousin Doris!

Happy birthday, gorgeous.

Thank you. Tell me about your vacation.

Oh, I wasn't on vacation.

I... Did you bring back wooden shoes?

No.

She didn't even bring back wooden shoes.

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you. How sweet. Thank you so much.

Great to see you.

Who is that?

I have no idea.

Ma!

I met him yesterday at Carvel.

You mean, we don't even know him?

He's a body.

Joy, you want an empty party?

And don't leave the door open, Ma.

You want the chicken to get out?

Happy birthday, Joy. Happy birthday, Joy.

All right, white meat or dark meat?

Jerry, please, don't load them up...

Ma, where's my chicken?

He's fine. You see-- I just fed him.

Ma... what's he eating?

Same as the rest of us. You fed the chicken chicken?

I should make two dinners? I don't have enough to do?

How could you? Oh, he don't know any better.

Anyway, it's delicious.

It's "Silence of the Chickens."

He's here.

Who's here?

He made us promise not to tell you.

He's come so far just to see you.

He wants you back.

He told me that letting you go

was the biggest mistake of his life.

Oh, my God.

Joy Miller.

Remember Denny Kupperman?

We used to go steady in junior high.

I still remember that senior show you wrote,

a musical of Rosemary's Baby.

Ooh. I hummed, and I screamed.

♪ I love you, Ro ♪

♪ Don't keep me waitin' ♪

♪ This embryo belongs to Satan ♪

Oh, that was great.

Uh, sweetheart...

It was a little flat.

Uh, honey...

Oh, sweetheart, uh, we're low on ice.

I would've brought ice.

Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Oh, I just... I got to get some ice.

Just... I'll just get it right now.

Oh, thank you.

I couldn't stay away.

But before you make me leave, let me tell you three things:

One, I've released the boy, and...

I'm having free elections in the spring.

Two...

I love you.

I can't live another day without you.

And three...

One and two is plenty.