Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress's agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ Until she took a bogus glass while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed. ♪

♪ Now the calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is your slutty blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore, Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

Don't worry, life will get better.

Right now, you work for a monster,

but just remember you're skinny and pretty.

Skinny and pretty.

Did I mention young?

Good afternoon.

- It's morning. - Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm so sorry I'm late, but I was binge watching

the first season of Small Wonder last night

and I overslept this morning.

What's Small Wonder?

What is Small Wonder?!

Only the most genius sitcom in the history of television.

It's about this little girl

named Vicky who just happens to be a robot

and it perfectly captures the fatalistic fatality of life.

You know, I think I might be a robot.

You're not.

How do you know?

I know.

Are you sure?

Robots are smart, Sherry.

So tell me, what do we have on the books today?

Well, it was supposed to be that two person session

with Bob the Drag Queen and Monet X Change, but...

Now Sherry, you know I don't like buts.

What about Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau's butt?

Remember when you told me

you didn't know if you would rather

choke to death on his fat uncut cock

or suffocate between the cheeks of his amazing ass?

I am never going to happy hour with you again.

Now about that but.

Well, it turns out that Bob and Monet

hate each other so much they can't even

be in the same room together.

- What? - Yeah.

Monet is in your office now.

And Bob is gonna call in on

video conference call.

Okay. So Monet's in there right now?

Yeah.

Is she upset that I'm running late?

No, not at all, she said she would just make some Cameos.

What's a Cameo?

A Cam--

A Cameo is a fabulous way to get a personalized

video message for any occasion

from your favorite D-list celebrity.

Oh yes, Sherry. I remember now.

A Cameo is the perfect custom way to celebrate

birthdays, anniversaries, graduations,

weddings, divorces, or just give someone

a much needed pep talk or tell them to fuck off and die.

Order your Jackie Beat Cameo today!

Order your Sherry Vine Cameo today.

What?

Order your Jackie Beat Cameo today.

Yeah.

So, it's your girl Monet.

Baby, I love you so much

and happy, happy birthday, darling.

Muah!

Ugh, God.

Are you done?

Oh, I didn't know you were ready.

I am ready and Bob is actually

calling in and ready.

Wait--

Hey, Dr. Jackie.

Um, thank you for taking my call.

And um, honestly, I really wish I could have been there,

but it's actually gotten to a point where I feel like

I can't even be in the same room as Monet anymore.

It's just gotten so, so toxic.

I mean, she's so lazy.

Like for example, look!

We were supposed to both do your show.

Queen.

This session...

This session in drag!

And she couldn't even be bothered to get in drag for this.

So, Dr. Jackie, please, can you just fix her?

For me?

For my job, for our podcast.

Thank you.

Okay, uh...

Well, I guess it's just you and me.

Do you see that?

I did. It's a lot.

Let me break it down for you, Dr. Jackie, in the real way.

So Bob and I, we obviously have

our podcast together, Sibling Rivalry.

Um, you know, first it started out

out of joy and the rivalry was fun, right?

It was cute. It was--

That's a cute name.

It was chic!

But now the rivalry is real and Bob has become irate.

He has become irrational.

And honestly, I just can't stand him.

And we were once sisters.

We were once friends, but now he's my mortal enemy.

I hate him.

So it sounds like it started out

as a real cute name, Sibling Rivalry,

Yeah. - and then it was almost like

a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah.

This reminds me of...

I have this one neighbor who's really annoying

and she's always trying to talk to me

and I pretend to be deaf.

And then I went to the doctor and it turns out

I have lost 20% of my hearing in one of my ears.

Oh my God.

So it's like careful what you wish for.

Yeah. - Right?

Yeah. Yeah. For sure, definitely.

Ugh. Should have called the show Best Friends.

No, I don't even want that, Dr. Jackie.

- Oh. - I don't want to have

anything to do with Bob ever again.

That's... that's a lot.

Now, I understand that this podcast of yours

is very, very popular.

I get recognized everywhere.

I can't, I can't go to Whole Foods.

I can't go to TJ's.

I can't go to the glory hole, Dr. Jackie,

and not be recognized in drag, out of drag.

So that's why today I wanted to not even do the drag thing,

so I can just feel a little more protected, you know?

Right. Yeah.

So you're that famous, huh?

Everywhere.

If it makes you feel any better, I've never heard of you.

And if I saw you out and about at Whole Foods or...

The glory hole?

I've never been there.

What is that? A club?

Yeah. It's like little gay angels come into clubs

and they make these little circular

- Sweetie... - worshiping holes.

I'm kidding.

It's a hole in a wall that you stick your dick through

and then a stranger moistens it with their mouth

until you get so excited,

fluid comes out of it.

I want you to be more inclusive.

People stick their asses there too.

Not just their dicks, Dr. Jackie.

Are you serious? Yes.

Now I'm really learning something.

Yeah. It's incredible.

You can put your butt up against a glory hole?

I mean, if you had the right butt.

I mean, I have a lot of surface area,

so I require a bigger hole.

Right. - Yeah.

To me, it'd be difficult if you had a bubble butt.

You'd have to back up Yeah.

onto the glory hole. Yeah.

And then, you know, not to be judgemental,

but the other gentleman, on the other side

of the wall would have to be

very well endowed. Yeah.

Cause you're already, you know...

I mean, well, when you go to glory holes in Compton,

that's not a problem.

Okay, that's a stereotype

and even though it's a positive one,

I don't want to go there, okay?

So listen, let's deal with

your problem at hand.

Enough glory holes and I never thought I'd say that.

So like I said, if it, if it puts your mind at ease,

I have no idea who you are

and I would never bother you

on the street if I saw...

Wait a minute. I do recognize you.

You're on that HBO show where you help people,

with the, uh, Shangela and the big girl.

No. Big fat girl.

- That's Bob. - Oh, that's Bob.

The person who just refused to be a part of this process.

That's Bob? - Yes.

Well, you must admit you do... look similar.

Because we're both...

Bald?

Drag Queens. Bald drag Queens.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Ha, trust me if I was on HBO,

I would've canceled being on this fuckin' show,

just like Bob did.

Ouch.

At least she called in.

You know, it is very warm in here.

You know what, it's because we're on the third floor

and there's no circulation

and I can't open that window,

because one of my patients recently...

Seriously?

Do you mind if I just go online

and order a fan for this room

really quickly, before I forget?

- Whatever. - Um...

It is really stuffy in here,

so I need a giant one.

I don't know how to... what should I search?

I'm just gonna do just for fans, big ones.

No! No.

Okay.

I would pay $10 a month for that.

I mean, that's like a dollar an inch.

Girl.

I'll order it later.

Can we please get on with my session?

Of course, Bob

I'm Monet.

So, what really sparked all of this and why I'm...

why we were both supposed to be here,

but I'm here, 'cause I'm dedicated and I, you know,

respect your craft and what you do.

- Hmmm. - And you're, you know,

you're moderately decently semi good at what you do.

I want to get your honest opinion.

Thank you?

So here's how it happened, Dr. Jackie.

We were at the studio, filming the podcast,

like we always been done doing,

- Mm-hmm. - And he pulled up something

on his phone to show me and I, admittedly,

I accidentally swiped right when I shouldn't have.

And...

He blew up.

You saw something you weren't supposed to see.

On his phone?

- On his phone, yes. - A private photo?

- Private photo of-- - An adult photo?

An adult photo, Dr. Jackie.

And he grabbed his phone and then I

knocked his favorite coffee cup over and I broke it.

Okay.

Actually, you know what?

I didn't even, I don't need to explain this to you.

The whole video is online if you want to see it,

'cause we have like almost a million subscribers on YouTube.

Wait a minute.

You accidentally broke his favorite coffee cup

Yeah! - and he overreacted?

Yeah. He blew up.

He got so angry.

So enraged, filled with rage.

- And you say it's online. - It's online.

All right, let me look it up.

Let me see what's going on here.

I mean, I wish he was here.

- I wish he was too. - I could get

his side of the story.

You know what I, you, you don't want him here.

He smells. That's another thing, too.

The smell is bad. It was terrible.

Okay, I don't know how to look stuff up.

I'm so bad at this, uh...

So it was you two

fighting over a cup?

Yes. - I'm just gonna put

two girls one cup.

You know what?

Yeah. Do that.

Look, yeah, look, look that up.

Oh my God!

Oh! No!

No! Make it stop.

No. Oh my God!

No.

I think there's a pair of scissors around here somewhere.

Will you please stab me in the eyes?

In the heart?

Hold me.

Don't hold me. That's inappropriate, right?

This is all inappropriate.

Okay, I...

Bob... and you're not Bob.

I'm, I, I am not Bob, for the 14th time.

You are Moh-net.

Mmm. Close.

Try again.

Maw-nit?

No, there's an accent on the E.

Monet.

Yeah. That's me.

- You are Monet - Mm-hmm.

and you need help. Yes.

And I'm here for you.

Are you?

Yes.

I would like to try something a little different,

if you're open to it.

Ooh!

Are you gonna actually pay attention

and gimme some good fucking advice?

Have you ever been hypnotized?

Don't even think about it, bitch.

I've seen Get Out.

You know what, Monet?

I can see why Bob has a problem with you.

Yeah.

You are just really hard to work with.

- Me? - You're not cooperative.

You're just a generally unpleasant person.

So let me this straight.

You can't remember my name.

You sitting up here looking at porn

On accident.

And you let it slip that one of your patients

jumped out of the window.

You know what, Dr. Jackie?

You actually helped me out a lot today.

Yeah, you did.

'Cause compared to you, Bob is a fucking saint.

Okay? And on that, I'm out.

But! Before I go?

I'm taking this and leaving this.

But--

Don't take it personally, Jackie.

As you learned in school, hurt people hurt people.

Now what is this?

Serve.

Green apple vodka.

Maw-net X Change.

Let's try it.

Oh, that is good.

I feel like I just had a serving of fruit.

That kinda looks like...

Oh, that is her.

Hey honey, what's up?

Dr. Jackie. It's me, Kate Flannery.

Oh, hi Kate.

I--

I'm calling 'cause I have an emergency.

You're the only person that can help me.

- Uh-huh, okay. - I am at a restaurant

and I'm about to meet a friend of mine

who I haven't seen in quite some time

and I understand that she's recently become a vegan.

- Ugh. - I know.

Well, this is one of my favorite restaurants

and they have the rib special.

Can I eat ribs in front of a vegan friend?

You know, vegan's hearts are in the right place,

but they are so annoying.

Just do what I do.

Lie, order the ribs and when they come,

just tell her they're actually vegan ribs.

Just say, you know, that's why you go to that restaurant.

They have the best vegan ribs in town

and even, you know, offer her a bite of it.

You know, I do that all the time.

Yeah, my vegan friends are just like, really?

This tastes like meat.

And I'm like...

You know, I mean, listen.

I did something similar at a party I threw.

A friend of mine who's been in recovery

for like 16 years said,

"Hey, is there booze in this punch?"

And I was like, ugh, I don't want an argument.

"No, there's no booze in that punch."

Ugh. You know.

What, what could possibly go wrong?

She did wake up the next day

in her car in the middle of the LA River, but...

Anyway, enjoy your lunch!

Dr. Jackie.

You're the greatest. - Mm-hmm!

I don't know what I'd do without you.

You are my emergency contact.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

Don't trust anyone who doesn't eat meat.

I'll talk to you later!

Good afternoon, Dr. Jackie.

Oh, good afternoon.

And who the hell are you?

I'm Sherry's sister, Calpurnia.

I'm filling in for her while she's in the hospital.

She's having her left boob

made the same size as her right boob.

Remember?

Oh, of course.

Well, thank you for being here.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

And your next appointment should be here any moment.

Great.

Also um...

I found to-do list on Sherry's desk marked 2007.

So I took the liberty of doing everything on it.

What?

Yes, I reorganized and alphabetized your patient files.

I completed your annual

insurance paperwork,

responded to all your unanswered emails and phone calls,

refilled the M dispenser,

and I rotated the tires on your car.

Wow.

Oh, and I'm also certified in reflexology,

so if you'd like of foot massage later, just let me know.

I certainly will.

So about this surgery that Sherry's having,

do you know just how risky it is?

What do you mean?

Um, what are the chances of her

dying on the operating table

and you becoming my receptionist full-time?

Oh, well, I'm not sure about that,

but I would be happy to look it up online

and get all the pertinent information and statistics

compiled into a very easy to read and understand

PowerPoint presentation.

While massaging my feet?

Of course!

Dear God, please take Sherry into your loving arms today.

Amen.

Well, if there's nothing else, I am going to go

steam clean all the furniture in the waiting room.

Oh, by the way, I do have to be out by 6:00 PM

to go to my QAnon meeting.

Let me know if you'd like to come.

We are always looking for new members.

Dear God, please ignore that last prayer. Amen.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Oh, I didn't realize I had a children's session today.

I'll get out the uh, trauma puppets.

I'm an adult, bitch!

Excuse me?

Ugh, I'm so sorry for overreacting.

That's why I'm here.

I need help controlling my short fuse.

Short fuse?

My name is Selene Luna.

I've been in show business for over two decades

and, as a little person, it can be really humiliating.

And sometimes when I try to stand up for myself,

I can go overboard.

That's understandable.

Now you say you've been humiliated.

How so?

Well I'm constantly playing elves,

lady leprechauns, possessed dolls,

foul mouthed little girls, all just to pay the bills.

Honey, we all do what we have to do to survive.

I have to sit here and pretend to listen

while people whine and moan about their boring lives.

I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

Please go on.

Well now I'm a recurring character

on a very popular TV show on a big network.

Congratulations!

So what's the problem?

I just wanna be an actress,

but people never let me forget that I'm a little person.

That's terrible.

Shrimp?

Um, no, thank you.

Shortbread?

Um, no.

Tootsie Roll Midgees?

Excuse me?

What? That's what they're called.

This is what I'm talking about.

These jokes are not even funny. They're just cheap.

So is the Indian food I had for lunch.

I'm so sorry to do this,

but will you excuse me for a few minutes?

I've really gotta go to the ladies room.

What?! Are you serious?

Aw, this stinks?

Yeah, it's gonna stink even worse

if I don't get to the restroom in time.

Be right back.

Oh honey, don't mind me.

I'm just here to empty this waste basket.

Oh, okay.

Speaking of which, you cannot even imagine

what I've found in this waste paper basket.

Soil, pantyhose,

Japanese squid porn,

used syringes.

Now I'm not suggesting that that skank is shootin' smack.

And as we both know, she's far too fat

for that to be making any sense.

And it certainly isn't any

do-it-yourself Botox, because that bitch has more crows feet

on her face than Tippi Hedren.

But I'm telling you, I know, like I know, like I know,

she's mainlining something.

You should be careful.

She'll be back any moment now.

Oh honey, she's shitting her brains out.

We got plenty of time.

So tell me what's going on with you.

What's wrong?

Oh my God. Who is that?!

Oh, that's Dr. Jackie's son.

How you doing Bat Wing?

Don't worry about him. He's harmless.

Actually, being Dr. Jackie's son,

I'm surprised that he's only addicted

to black lipstick and not black tar heroin.

So tell me, baby girl, why are you care?

Sorry. That's personal

Honey, honey, honey.

You're paying $300 an hour to someone

who is 10 times crazier than you are

when all you really need

is a common sense tia like me to talk to.

Well, honestly?

I'm just sick of people being disrespectful

and condescending to me

just because I'm a little person.

You...

are magic.

You are a unicorn in God's cigar box of rocks.

You, my child are a mother fucking diamond.

So you listen to me.

Anytime anybody gives you any grief, you remember this.

You tell them to fuck right on off.

Thank you so much, um...

Muffy. And don't mention it.

Well, I guess I better run, go put on a hazmat suit.

Time to give that bathroom a good scrubbing

now that old Jumbo is finished spraying her enclosure.

Ew.

Oh, and one more thing,

and you didn't hear this from me...

Mm-hmm?

Despite the fact that she claims to be

a world famous sex therapist, that bitch?

She can't fuck.

Oh, I'm back.

I'm so sorry, honey. Now, where were we?

I feel great. I had a breakthrough.

I now feel fully equipped

to deal with the assholes of the world.

Well, great. I, you're welcome.

I mean, it's what I do, you know?

So I mean, I can't really take credit.

It's just God working through me.

Now, I want you to

go out there and I want you to knock him dead little lady.

Huh?

And if you ever feel depressed or small,

I want you to just be grateful

that you're not in a tree somewhere making cookies

or working at the North Pole

or in a dinner theater production of the Wizard of Oz.

Fuck off, fatty!

Fatty?