Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy,

♪ She had no cash!

♪ Pretending to be classy,

♪ but just poor white trash.

The tragic but true fact is

♪ a bitter aging actress

♪ whose agent just recently dropped her, ♪

♪ sitting on her ass drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ 'til she took a bogus class while at home online, ♪

♪ Finished that, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor! ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that this pony would treat ♪

♪ the craziest of the showbiz elite! ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr Jackie!

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

Good morning -

Oh God! What a gorgeous day, huh?

We are so fortunate to help people the way we do.

We really are. I mean, hashtag blessed.

Am I right?

I guess so-

You guess so?

Have you been crying?

No. Why?

Well, your eyes are all red and glassy.

Now either you've been crying

or you've been smoking meth!

Now, which is it, young lady?

Okay. I've been crying-

But why? You've got a great job.

You are what some people might consider-

relatively attractive.

And other than that persistent cough

and the mole on your shoulder that keeps changing shape,

you've got your health.

Listen, I don't wanna bring my problems to work.

Okay?

You hired me to be a professional.

Just because my boyfriend Joe dumped me last night,

on stage in front of all my friends and family

at a karaoke bar

on my birthday

doesn't mean that I have to fall apart emotionally.

Okay?

I'm fine.

Oh boy. Um, well-

what's my first appointment today?

Meryl.

Oh God.

She's already called to say that she's stuck in traffic

on the five freeway and she's gonna be

at least 30 minutes late.

Oh, puh-leeze!

That is such just bullshit!

Just between you and me, Meryl is a compulsive liar.

That's why she's so good at what she does.

Turns out great acting is nothing more than just good lying.

Oh, and being able to do accents.

What did I say?

Sorry. It's just-

My first date with Joe,

it was a double feature of "Sophie's Choice"

and " A Cry in the Dark."

Wow. That sounds fun.

Listen, since Meryl is running late,

and seeing how I didn't get you a birthday present,

how about I treat you to an emergency session right now?

An emergency session? What do you mean?

You and me right now in my office.

For the next 30 minutes, you are not my receptionist.

You are my severely depressed, deeply disturbed patient.

But-

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Happy birthday, Shirley.

It's Sherry!

I know that, silly.

I was just trying to make you smile.

Boop!

All right, now just relax

and tell me what happened last night.

Well, like I said, we went to my favorite karaoke bar.

I invited all my friends and family.

I mean, I wanted everybody to be there because you know,

turning 30 is a big deal, right?

Go on.

So everything is going great.

I started to open my presents.

Oh my God! I got so many amazing things.

These really cute bejeweled flip flops

from my cousin Cindy,

a Shellfish of the Month Club membership

from my neighbor Jan,

and an Instant Pot from my aunt Marcia

and her much older lesbian lover, Alice.

Cindy, Jan, Marcia, and Alice?

Where were Bobby, Peter and Greg?

Ugh. They couldn't make it.

So anyway, everything is going great.

I blew out the candles on my cake.

My mom made my favorite cake. Oh my God!

Low-fat gluten-free vegan fairtrade lemon cake

with goat yoghurt icing sweetened by monkfruit.

Wait a minute,

goat yoghurt isn't vegan.

Oh my God. Are you sure?

Okay. Listen, what do I know?

I'm a therapist. Not a nutritionist.

Let it go.

Please continue.

So everything's going great.

But that's when it dawned on me that- wait a minute!

My boyfriend, Joe hasn't given me a present yet.

That's when he jumps on stage to dedicate a song to me.

And I'm like thinking to myself,

Okay, Sherry, why do you gotta be such a negative Joanne-

Nancy.

Huh?

The phrase is Negative Nancy.

The alliteration?

O-kay.

So anyway, he gets on stage to sing

what I thought was going to be our song,

Happily Ever After by Billy Eilish.

But no, he starts to sing

Fuck You by Ceelo Green.

He didn't.

He did.

No.

Yes.

Fuck-

You.

Fuck you.

FUCK YOU!

Okay. I get it.

The whole time he's singing Fuck You,

he's pointing right at me.

I'm looking around, like,

what is going on?

All of a sudden he's like,

"That's it, I've had it with you, bitch. I'm outta here.

You're so fucking annoying."

Drops the mic and walks out.

Needless to say, party was over.

All right. Now, Sherry, be honest.

Did this just come out of nowhere?

Or looking back, had there been signs

that there was trouble in paradise?

Well, I mean, he called me bitch all the time.

I don't know.

He did quit his job at one point,

so he could focus on his band, Satan's Nutsack,

and quit paying half of his rent.

There was that one time he kicked in the TV

just because I innocently said

Benedict Cumberbatch had a cute name.

Sherry.

Why did you put up with such a clearly abusive asshole?

I don't know.

Well, did he have any redeeming qualities?

He knew karate?

No!

Remember this morning when you said hashtag blessed?

Mm-hm.

Well, he was blessed.

Down below.

Oooooh-

so you were dickmatized.

Dickmatized?

Yes. Dickmatized.

That's when, how can I say this in a tasteful way?

When a guy's huge cock blinds you

to his douchebag bullshit ways.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.

I mean, look, I don't wanna question your authority,

Dr. Jackie, you know more than I do, but that's just not me.

No way, no how.

Sherry, if you're open to it,

I'd like to do a little exercise.

I did hot yoga this morning.

Not that, you idiot.

It's my birthday!

Different kind of exercise.

It's called word association. I'm going to say a word,

and you say the first thing

that pops into your pretty little head.

Okay!

All right.

Mm-hm!

You ready?

I'm ready.

All right. Okay.

Relationship.

Dick.

Commitment.

Cock.

Love.

Big fat uncut tool.

Oh dear.

What?

This is worse than I thought.

Huh?

Sherry, do you remember the day we met?

When I interviewed for this job?

Of course, yes.

It was a long time ago,

but I remember it like it was yesterday,

yesterday, yesterday-

Why would you say yesterday three times?

Because it's a flashback, stupid.

Thank you for coming in, Shirley.

It's Sherry.

I know that, silly. I was just trying to make you smile.

Oh!

Now, I have read your resume,

and although three years as the assistant night manager

at an Arby's is very impressive,

I'm afraid It's not the kind of experience

that I was looking for.

I know,

I understand how stuffing a beef and cheddar into a bag

and asking people,

"how many packets of barbecue sauce would you like?"

is not the same as working in a busy office

of a successful psychotherapist, but I really need this job.

You see, last night I broke up with my boyfriend, Lance.

He'd been treating me really badly and disrespectfully

and just, you know, generally an asshole to me.

So I kicked him out.

But the problem is we still work together

at the previously mentioned Arby's restaurant.

It's not really a restaurant.

Potato potato.

The point is I now have to pay full rent on the apartment,

'cos I'm there alone.

I don't know what to do, but I know what I can do.

I can work really hard. I promise to give you 109%.

I'll be the hardest work you've ever seen.

That way, you have time to do what you do best,

help crazy people be a little less crazy.

I like your attitude, young lady.

And I also like the fact

that you kicked that jerk boyfriend's butt to the curb.

So what do you say?

I say, congratulations.

You're hired.

Oh thank you, Dr. Jackie! I promise I won't let you down.

Where's that girl I hired?

Hmm?

The one that wouldn't put up with any crap from a guy,

no matter how much meat was swinging between his legs,

where is she?

She's right here.

She's right here in front of you!

And all it took was that black and white flashback

to remind me of who I am and what I want.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

Hello? Is anyone fucking here?

Oh shit, it's Meryl.

Go tell her I'll be with her in a minute.

Yes ma'am!

Oh, and Sherry.

Yes. Dr. Jackie?

Don't believe a word she says.

Remember, she's a fucking liar.

Hey, Dr. Jackie.

It's John Cameron Mitchell.

Oh, hi, John Cameron Mitchell,

legendary star of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."

How can I help you?

I have a question for you.

I just played Joe Exotic in a TV series.

Uh-huh.

And you know, it's a blonde mullet,

you know, I'm used to the Hedwig blonde wig,

but I never really thought about going out and getting laid

in the Hedwig wig.

What seems to be the problem?

Can I wear the mullet out?

As a kind of, you know,

honey to attract the bees?

I say, hell yes.

At our age,

we are allowed to do whatever it takes to get laid.

Let me know if it works,

'cos if it does,

hell, I'll even put on a wig.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

All right.

Your insight is always overwhelming to me.

I'm so glad I came to you. That makes so much sense.

Thank you so much.

Bye bye.

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Here's your lunch!

Have a seat.

Who the hell are you,

and how could this possibly be my lunch?

Oh, hi!

I'm Pete,

with the Try, Try Again temp agency,

giving hard-to-employ people another chance since 1989?

I'm filling in for Sherry

while she gets her elbow reduction.

Elbow reduction?

Mm-hm. Apparently it's a thing.

She'll be back on Monday.

It's a surprisingly fast recovery period.

She told me in a note she left me.

Oh, and she also wanted me to tell you

that she is definitely not at Coachella.

And if you see photos of her on social media,

wearing overalls and an oversized floppy hat

that those photos are fake

and that they were most likely posted by her ex-boyfriend

just to cause trouble.

Never mind, I'll deal with her later.

Now you realize that submarine sandwich

isn't supposed to be the size of an actual submarine, right?

Well, Sherry told me in a note that she wrote me

that you wanted a six foot submarine sandwich for lunch.

I said six inch sub!

Please don't yell at me.

I don't like when people yell at me.

You know how some people are afraid of spiders

and of flying

and of Jennifer Lawrence?

Well, that's how I am, but with yelling.

Okay. I won't yell.

Can I please see the note that Sherry gave you?

Oh, I see what the problem is.

Okay?

See, that says six inch sub,

those two little lines mean inch.

If there was only one line, it would be feet.

It's a simple mistake.

Please don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling.

I'm practically whispering.

Like I said, this is a simple mistake.

Anyone could have made it.

It's not your fault.

Thank you for saying that.

It's not your fault, something I'm not used to hearing.

You are very kind.

Well, you are very kind

is not something I'm used to hearing.

Your next appointment's waiting in the reception area.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

Send them in please.

Hello? Welcome.

I'm Dr. Jackie and you are?

I- I'm Roy.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

I-I'm Roy.

Roy?

Yes.

Hello Roy.

Why are you here today? How can I help you?

Well, I, I, I struggle, as you can see, with confidence.

Okay. I'm gonna have to ask that you please speak up.

I'm shy and I need help!

You don't need to yell-

Okay.

There's a dis-

you know, something in the middle.

Okay.

You know?

I need help with confidence.

Okay. I think you're in the right place.

I've helped a lot of people with confidence.

Tell me in your everyday life, like, what's the problem?

Well, I struggle to be a strong-willed person.

I, I find myself to be scared of situations and-

which is interesting because in my professional life,

I, I'm a lot stronger.

I'm a lot more confident, a little more outspoken.

Right. What do you do for a living?

Well, I'm a drag performer.

A what?

A drag performer-

It's a job now. Yeah. Some of us do it for money.

Drag?

Now can you explain,

is that where the fellas dress up like ladies?

Yeah, sort of.

It started about eight years ago

with a very successful reality television show.

And what's happened-

Wait, drag started eight years ago?

Only eight years ago. According to the internet.

Please go on.

My drag character's name is Bianca Del Rio.

Would you like to see a photo?

I'd love to.

That's a lot-

That's a lot of makeup.

Let's just put that over there.

Try to focus.

So she's bold.

Yeah. She's very bold and outspoken,

but I struggle in my real life, you know,

outside of not having liquor or drugs,

it can be really challenging

to find who I really am as a person.

So you don't do any drugs or alcohol?

No, but as you can see, I'm very soft spoken and shy.

But when I'm Bianca, she's always the life of the party,

always with the cocktail,

always with crowds of people around her,

laughing and enjoying themselves.

So essentially you're here

to try to incorporate more of Bianca

into Roy's everyday life, to be more outspoken,

to stand up for yourself,

to tell people how you really feel.

Okay. I'd like to try something now

where I say something and you repeat it.

Sure.

I am powerful.

I am outspoken.

Okay. I am moving on.

No, you don't say that.

Stop!

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize.

How about we hypnotize you?

Oh!

Try to get to the root of the problem.

Can you unbutton the top button?

I think that's a good start.

Okay.

This is turning into a different type of session,

but I kind of like it.

It's one button.

I need you to simmer down,

and I'd like to make it very clear.

I don't find you attractive.

Not like this and not in that picture.

Okay?

I think we need to really dig deep

and find out what's going on.

Why are you so shy?

Why are you holding back?

All right?

Okay.

Because Bianca's somewhere inside you

and we need to tap into her.

Sure.

All right. So just watch this.

Okay.

Watch the swinging necklace.

Bianca Del Rio is very tired.

Tired?

What about this cheap jewelry from Santee Alley

that cost you 2 dollars? That's really tired.

Okay, careful, or I'll give you the villain edit.

What's the villain edit?

Oh! Yes!

The villain edit, according to Urban Dictionary,

is a reality TV phenomena

that makes one person seem unlikeable, conniving,

or makes them the villain for the sake of good reality TV.

Who are you talking to?

No one.

I just really think I made a big mistake

by coming here today.

Stay seated.

I didn't realize that I had to do this, but,

I think it's time we tapped into your inner child.

No.

What the fuck is that?

This is the Dr. Jackie puppet.

You're gonna talk to the puppet, not me.

And we're gonna find out what the problem is.

This is gonna work. Do you trust me?

No, but-

All right, let's do this.

Hi! I'm Dr. Jackie!

You're really bad at this.

I could totally see your lips moving.

I'm a psychotherapist, not a ventriloquist.

I'm not the winner of "America's Got Talent."

It's just hard 'cos your lips are moving.

I mean, can-

that's actually better for everyone.

Even the fake people in the back that are watching.

Don't make me write down "sees fake people."

All of a sudden your next tour will be canceled

because you will be in an insane asylum.

I have that power.

Now talk to the fucking puppet.

Are you trying to trigger me,

with this puppet wearing a sombrero?

That's racist.

Do you wanna get better or not?

Si.

Hola? Yo soy Dr. Yackie.

What's your name?

Hola, Dr. Yackie.

My name is Roy, also known as Bianca Del Rio.

And I struggle with inner confidence.

You are deeply disturbed and very sick.

I'm deeply disturbed and she's the one holding a puppet?

Oh.

How dare you question Dr Jackie!

Come closer, little boy.

I'm gonna show you what happens to little boys

who disrespect Dr. Jackie!

Ow!

If someone bothers you, punch him in the nose!

Like Bianca would.

I actually feel worse than I did before I came in here.

I don't think your tactics or methods are working at all.

The chanting, the hypnotism,

the silly little puppet that was racist.

None of it has made me feel any better.

I'd like to point out that the puppet may be racist,

but I'm not.

Sure.

And I just remembered something

that you mentioned a little earlier in our session.

You said that Bianca Del Rio

is always the life of the party?

She always has a cocktail in her hand?

Do you remember saying that?

Vaguely.

I think I understand the problem.

If you wanna be more like Bianca and be more outspoken,

stand up for yourself, tell people how you really feel,

I think you just need to start drinking

even when you're not in drag.

No.

Yes.

Do you think this is gonna work?

It worked for me.

Try it.

Ah!

Now, how do you feel?

How do I feel?

I feel fucking amazing!

I don't know if anyone's ever gonna tell you this,

Dr. Jackie, but you're a fucking joke.

This is bullshit!

Have you looked at yourself?

That old tired busted face

that looks like Trixie Mattel and Ronald McDonald fucked

and had a baby they should have aborted?

Fuck off, dude!

And by the way, you're fat.

Do you believe that shit?

But she was right about one thing.

What's that?

You are fat.

Ouch!

I'll kill you, you little bitch!

I'll kill you!

Excuse me, bonkers bitch.

Could I just get my picture back?

Sure.

It's right here.

Pretty pretty.