Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is, a bitter aging actress ♪

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass, drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ Till she took a bogus class, while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed

♪ that this phony would treat

♪ The craziest of the show biz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore, Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪

Oh, good morning, Dr. Jackie.

Good morning, uh...

Sherry.

Yes, of course, Sherry.

Any calls?

Oh yes. The producers of Good Morning USA called,

and they would like to know if you'd like to be a guest.

They're doing a segment about bosses

who abuse their authority,

ignore professional boundaries,

and take advantage of their employees.

Yes. I would love to do that.

That is my pet peeve,

and I would really appreciate the opportunity

to talk about that important issue.

Great. I'll let her know.

Oh, and before I forget, can you get my car washed?

My dog, Buster had explosive diarrhea in the backseat

because I fed him Taco Bell

because I ran out of food,

So could you get me some dog food also

and pick up my dry cleaning.

Absolutely.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

You're gonna be excited too,

because your next client is a celebrity.

Is it Lisa Vanderpump?

No.

Leslie Jordan?

No

RuPaul?

No.

It's America's Gaysian sweetheart, Alec Mapa.

Who?

Oh, you know that cute little Filipino actor.

He's always the sassy gay best friend.

He's been on everything,

from Ugly Betty to Desperate Housewives.

Countless hallmark movies

and tons of unsold TV pilots.

Honey, his credit list is longer than a CVS receipt.

Just let me know when the Fili-pansy shows up.

Oh. He's already here.

Hi.

Hello. - Hello.

Alec. Is it?

That's correct.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm great.

Terrific.

Here for you.

Oh, thank you.

You're so generous with your time.

I'm so grateful for this time with you today.

I have a big problem.

What is it?

Well, I have played a lot of gay characters

on film and in television.

Right.

That's kind of like my wheelhouse.

of course

You know, when you're successful as a clog,

they don't wanna see you as a shoe, right.

So, it's affecting my life off screen now

because I'm often mistaken for a gay person

and I'm not gay.

And it's actually affecting my marriage as well,

to my wife,

who is a woman.

Okay.

Well, I feel like,

first of all, this is real and this is a valid problem.

Um hm, um hm.

And there are not hidden cameras here, right.

Oh, I hope not.

Just ignore that I said that.

Well, I feel like,

if this problem is affecting your marriage,

you probably should have brought your wife

for a couple's therapy.

I did, actually she's here, luckily enough.

Oh

She's right out in the waiting room.

Oh, do you mind if we bring her in?

Not at all. In fact I wish you would.

There's a charge for that, its a little bit more.

Oh, well we can discuss that in a bit, absolutely.

Okay. - Okay.

Shirley?

It's Sherry.

Whatever.

Could you please send in Alec's wife?

She should be there in the waiting room.

There's just some dude here.

- Oh. - Oh no. That's her.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. The cutie in the pink jumpsuit.

Send her in, please.

Her. [Alec and Jackie laughs] Send her in.

Yeah. Pronouns are important these days.

They really are.

My pronouns are Venmo and PayPal.

Oh, here she is.

Hey Honey.

Oh, Hey, you. Here she is.

Love of my life. Get in here. My little peanut.

This looks so cute on you.

I'm so glad I picked this out.

Pink is your color.

You guys, let me get another chair.

- Oh no, no. - We're Fine.

We can snuggle up like this.

We do it all the time. - We sit like this always.

Always.

Oh. I love it.

Very Close.

Are you comfortable?

- Oh yeah. - Yeah.

Well, hello. It's.. What's..?

Jen. So Alec has already filled me in.

Now, the problem is

that Alec gets a lot of sodomite roles.

filthy - Yeah. Yeah. That works

as sodomite roles, - right, right,

- Homosexuals... - Homos. We say.

- The queers, the queers. - That is acceptable now.

Yes. that is acceptable now.

- Faggot is not. - Faggot is not.

So it must be difficult.

Now do you two have children?

Yes. We have two lovely girls.

Crystal and Alexis.

- Ah hm. - Oh. Big Dynasty fan.

What's that? Dynasty?

I've never watched it.

And do you feel like, do they watch TV?

Do they see daddy mincing about, you know,

playing a stereotype

and sending the gay rights movement back,

20, 30 years every time?

Well, that's one way of looking at it,

but then after a while,

they look at all their nice clothes

and they go,

"as long as the check clears, dad,

keep doing what you're doing".

So it must be difficult.

You know, having a husband who people just assume is a,

you know, filthy sodomite.

I know, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

He's so virile at home.

He's such a take charger, right.

I don't have to tell him more than once to do anything.

Yeah. She's my passive pink pussy cat.

Oh. Well. Sounds like-

And He's my big purple passionate penis,

that's what he is.

Okay. That is what we call TMI, too much information.

And when a therapist, you know, pulls that out,

that means you've gone way too far.

We passed the boundaries. Haven't we?

No

I'm naughty.

She is. She is.

Well, I'm gonna guess that's part of the dynamic,

you know, you start out, as best friends,

but then you need that spark.

And I really feel the spark.

- Oh, really? - I do.

Good to know. See.

I knew it. I knew it.

- So - I don't know

why others can't see it.

- That's why this works. - Yeah.

That's why this works. - Yeah.

- Who cares. - That's why this works.

That's why this works.

Now listen,

who cares what the rest of the world thinks?

I don't know if part of the problem is

now you're only getting gay roles.

I mean, unless the character is a crack head,

street prostitute,

who dies of aids.

You're not gonna win an Oscar.

Well, fingers crossed.

Can I just do,

would you be guys be open to doing a quick little exercise?

- Of course. we love exercise. - Absolutely.

We love exercise.

- All right. - We love quizzes.

We love games.

- Let's play. - Okay.

All right.

What are these two colors?

Orange and green.

Alec?

Tuscan Sunset and Elphaba.

Interesting.

Quick. What is Lady Gaga's real name?

Linda.

Alec.

Stefani Germanotta.

It's Stefani Germanotta.

She knows that one.

Stefani Germanotta is Lady Gaga's real name.

- Okay. - Um hm.

Born this way.

And finally, complete this famous line of movie dialogue.

Okay.

"Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy..."

Pickle.

What?

Pick-pickle.

pickles are bumpy.

No. Night.

"Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night".

It's Betty Davis from "All About Eve".

We watched it on our wedding night.

Don't you remember?

Betty Davis, "All about Eve"

starring, Betty Davis, Celeste Holm, Anne Baxter,

Gary Merrill, George Sanders, Thelma Ritter,

and a very, very young Marilyn Monroe,

who steals every single scene that she's in.

Of course, Betty Davis should have won the Oscar,

but the voters were split

because the other choice was Gloria Swanson

in "Sunset Boulevard".

So who does the Oscar to go to?

It goes to Judy Holliday in "Born Yesterday".

Now I love Judy Holliday as much as the next person,

but please, [Alec laughs] please.

What?

Nothing.

Now listen, it's 2022.

Okay.

Everybody is non-binary, gender fluid,

polyamorous, pansexual.

Labels shmaybels.

Am I right?

Now Alec, if you wanna bottom for closeted casting agents

to snag gigs away from Michael Yuri,

Billy Eichner or Mario Cantone, go for it.

Take all the dicks and all the rolls you want.

Gay, straight, whatever.

I've seen your IMDB.

You're obviously not picky.

And Jen,

if you wanna dabble in a little harmless,

suburban lesbianism,

while Alec is off shooting,

some God awful Lifetime movie of the week

with Tori Spelling and Dean Cain, do it.

As long as you love and respect each other

and give a good home

to your two beautiful biracial children,

then it's nobody's business.

Whose Dean Cain?

Exactly.

Now I wanna see you two back here in this office next week.

All right?

Until then, go off and be footloose and fancy free

and let your freak flags fly.

- That's a lot of F's. - Honey...

Yes, and a lot of F's is what I'm hoping

for both of you during this next week.

If you catch my drift, huh.

Listen,

as my receptionist, Sherry would say, "no slut shaming".

Now I'll see you next week.

Come on, honey. I gotta get to softball practice.

That's right.

Hey, can you drop me off at my anal bleaching?

Sure. Of course.

Bye bye.

Bye Bye.

You're straight.

Hi, Jackie.

Hi, its me Ross.

I didn't know who else to turn to,

but I need help, please.

Hey. Ross, what's up?

You know, I'm getting married.

Okay, well I'm gonna die alone, but good for you.

Here's the deal.

It's to a man.

A man?

Should we have a bachelor party before the wedding?

Absolutely not.

Cause he wants to have one.

Why choose the gay lifestyle,

if you're just gonna be all heteronormative

and fucking tacky as shit?

I just would think that as a gay couple,

you guys would want to do something a little more creative

and a little more classy,

than a bachelor party.

Why don't you go to Sunday Brunch?

They have those drag Sunday brunches,

where the fellas dress up like ladies.

I know, I don't get it either, but it's fun.

It's a lot of fun.

Uh, Jackie. Of course.

Thank you so much.

Of course you knew the answer.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Well, I'm glad I could be of help, sweetheart.

You call anytime.

You're always the best, Jackie.

Love you so much.

Mwah, goodbye.

And I'm sorry, you're not invited to the wedding,

but I can only have like three, 400 people there.

So okay. Gotta go.

No. Bye-bye.

Oh, Hey, welcome back.

How was lunch?

Oh, I didn't eat.

I had to go shopping for my son's birthday present.

Oh. Actually he's around here somewhere.

I told him you weren't back yet and he just disappeared.

Oh my God. What is he wearing?

Well. He's in head to toe black.

Mm.

Hair hanging over one eye.

And if I'm not mistaken,

I think he's wearing makeup.

Makeup?

Why in the hell would a man wear makeup?

He's obviously going through a rebellious phase.

Hey, I went through the same thing when I was his age,

but I was what you would call a Madonna wannabe.

Can you imagine me with bleached blonde hair

and dressed like a total skank?

Well, my son has decided he's-

Gay.

Goth.

Even worse.

Yeah. He's made a conscious choice

to be bitter and miserable

and he just focuses on the negative all the time.

Wow. Sour apple doesn't fall far

from the gloomy tree. Huh.

I'm gonna act like I didn't hear that.

Who's my next appointment?

They will be here any minute now.

It's an emergency session

with a performer named BenDeLaCreme.

Ew, sounds like an arthritis ointment.

Well, send them in, when "them" gets here.

Keep the meter running.

Hi.

BenDeLaCreme.

I have an appointment with Dr. Jackie.

Yes. Yes. Hi. How are you?

Now Before you go in, I just have a few short questions.

First, will you be paying with insurance or cash?

You know what,

actually, I have this coupon.

We don't take those anymore.

Oh. Okay. Well here you go.

It's an emergency session.

Oh. All right. There you are.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, great.

How did you hear about Dr. Jackie?

Oh, a friend referred me.

Who?

Isn't that confidential?

Technically, Yes.

But, how about if you just blink if I guess it right?

Madonna?

Pink?

Adele?

Rudolph Giuliani?

Are all those really Dr. Jackie's clients?

I can't divulge that information.

Dr. Jackie, your ointment appointment is here.

Send it in please.

You can go in.

- Hi. - Hi.

First of all, thank you for dressing up.

Oh, well you're welcome, but also it's not for you.

I'm actually in the middle of a tech rehearsal right now.

They think I'm in the bathroom.

Tonight is the biggest show of my entire life.

And I am terrified.

Biggest show of your life.

Let me guess.

Is it the Abbey? - No.

- Mickeys'? - No.

Schlongs'?

No, and that place closed.

Where is it?

The Hollywood Bowl.

That bowling alley on Hollywood Boulevard.

No, no, no, no, no.

The real Hollywood Bowl.

How the hell did you get a booking at the Hollywood Bowl?

I was on a TV show.

What TV show?

"Drag Race".

Never heard of it.

Well, Jackie, I don't know what to do with my myself.

It's Dr. Jackie.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Jackie.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm terrified.

All of these resentments are coming up. I feel so...

Resentments.

Yes.

That's the poison. That's the poison.

I was wondering,

look at this beautiful, vivacious show pony,

vaudevillian.

You're a star, honey.

And then I was like, what is poisoning this magic?

Resentment. - Oh.

That's what we have to get to.

We have to get to the bottom of this.

We have to get to the resentments.

You need to let that go.

So you can give 110%

to those people who are going to the Hollywood Bowl

to see you. - Yes.

'Cause you were on a TV show.

I didn't even win.

So I want to try something very controversial.

- Okay. - And no,

it doesn't involve having sex with you.

Thank God.

I can't do that anymore.

I want to do something called primal scream therapy.

As long as it's not cultural appropriation,

cause I don't wanna be canceled.

Oh, it's not.

It's very effective.

What is it?

It's sort of like an exorcism, if you will.

It's gonna be like,

you actually throw up those poisonous resentments.

So when you get on stage at the Hollywood Bowl,

the Hollywood Bowl tonight,

you can really, really be in the moment. Okay.

All right.

Do you trust me?

No. But I'm desperate.

That's what I like to hear. All right.

So prepare yourself.

Picture it.

The resentment, it's boiling inside you like lava,

like explosive diarrhea.

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh yes. All too well. Ah hm.

I want you to imagine every club owner,

who wouldn't hire you before you were on that TV show.

Not even for a lousy $50 gig. Huh.

I busked for so many years outside that train station.

And I want you to imagine every boyfriend or girlfriend,

listen, I don't know what your lifestyle is

and I don't care.

That's not what this session is about.

Thank you so much for your openness.

But they dumped your ass,

just cause you gained a few pounds over the holidays.

Okay.

I want you to think of that editor over there

at that Drag Race television program.

You know, the one that splices

and creatively makes you look bad.

Even though you didn't say things and they...

Okay. So you do watch the show.

Of course I do.

And finally,

I want you

to picture your dad,

who clearly didn't love you.

Okay, shows what you know.

I don't even know my dad.

All right, let's move on.

Are you ready for the scream?

Are you ready to throw up the poisonous hate and resentment?

I will try. Absolutely any...

Do you smell clove cigarettes?

No.

You ready?

Yes. I'm ready.

Let's do this.

Okay. I'm ready to try.

Okay.

Do you smell nail Polish?

No.

Nice try.

Let's fucking do this.

Ready?

Okay. Crap.

Did that statue just move?

This is a classic diversion tactic.

Do you wanna do this or not?

Do you wanna get better or not?

Why are you sabotaging yourself?

That statue actually just moved.

Look.

WTF. That is not a statue.

That is my son, Larry.

Mom, How many times do I have to tell you?

Larry is dead.

The name is Batwing.

I am so sorry, BenDeLe.

I am here for you.

Just please pretend, like he's not even here.

It's his birthday.

And I promised to take him to the cemetery to have a picnic.

We planned the whole thing,

before you booked your emergency session.

The good news is,

as long as he's here,

you're not the most fucked up person in this room.

So let's do this.

Scream.

- Primal. - Primal.

- Scream. - Scream.

- Therapy. - Therapy.

You're gonna let the hate, the resentment,

everything that's holding you back, out of your soul.

You're gonna open up, like a fucking volcano

and you're gonna let all of that resentment lava out,

by screaming as loud as you can right now.

How do you feel?

I feel amazing.

Stop.

Your voice.

You lost your voice.

Listen, listen, settle down.

Simmer the fuck down.

Look at me.

The most important thing is that the resentment is gone.

Now you can go to the Hollywood Bowl,

for your most important show ever.

You can give your fans 110%,

'cause the resentment's gone.

Sure your voice is gone, but the resentment's gone,

which is even more important,

voice or no voice.

Are you vaudevillian?

Are you a show pony?

Are you a star?

'Cause I see a star right here,

that's what I see.

So I want you to go

and knock them dead tonight.

I don't understand what you're saying.

Here. Write it down.

Can you write it down?

Go get them, Tiger.

Says "you'll hear from my lawyer".

Oh bye.

Oh my god.

She can't even say goodbye.

Fucking bitch.

All right.

You're ready for our picnic, Sunshine?

Can't wait.

So excited.

Oh mom, I got you something.

I know it's my birthday, but.

Oh Honey, Thank you.

Did you even read it?

Yes.

And I know that from someone like you,

this means I love you.

I'll just put it with my others.

Oh, Hey. That seemed to go very well.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen anyone

leave this office that happy and upbeat.

Yes. Well it's times like these

that make all those years in school worth it.

I thought it was two months and online.

I've got a great idea.

Why don't you shut your whore mouth

and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.

Whore mouth?

Hey, no slut shaming.