Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap, boxed wine ♪

♪ 'Til she took a bogus class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guess that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant ♪

♪ The dumb whore Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on our client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

Good morning, here's your mail.

Anything important?

Nuh, just the usual, mostly bills.

Few letters from 14 year old cisgender white girls

accusing you of being racist, transphobic and misogynistic.

Uh huh.

Oh, and there is this one from the LA Free Clinic

I think you might wanna see.

Shit.

Yeah.

But the good news is that your first session today

is with Cher!

All right. I realize that to you,

Cher is an iconic glamorous,

legendary Oscar-winning superstar.

But to me, she's just another deeply disturbed patient.

Well, on behalf of all the Cher fans everywhere,

please help her.

The world needs Cher.

It really does. I'll do my best.

Send her in when she gets here.

Hey honey, how are you doing?

Whoo! Oh, you know, same old shit.

Nothing's changed since we met yesterday?

Oh, last night I was up all night staring at the ceiling.

Just the same thoughts going around in my head

again and again.

Like what?

Like what is iCloud?

Or if there are Irish Wolfhounds,

why aren't there Jewish Retrievers

or if spirit animals are real, is the opposite true?

And are there spirit humans?

And somewhere in the, in the Congo,

is there a bonobo ape that likes to pretend

he's a balding accountant?

We discussed this yesterday

- Oh shit. - and the day before,

and the week before that.

Now, Cher, I don't know what's going on with you,

but the reason you have all these things in your head,

these things that don't matter

is because you're not dealing

with the things that do matter.

Now, what is bothering you that you are not dealing with?

You are good.

You are so fucking good.

What's that word?

Durr.

What's going on?

I'm doing my best. I'm rattled.

You always do your best.

That's why you have a fucking Oscar.

And a- I mean a People's Choice Award

and a Golden Globe Award.

All right, simmer down.

All right. So here's the deal.

I miss my friend.

I miss Whitney Houston.

We were close. Real close.

Well, not close like her and her assistant.

I miss my gal pal, okay?

There's certain things I can only tell her.

And I can't because she's dead.

She's dead. - She's dead.

- She's dead, dead. - She's dead.

She's really fucking dead.

Not alive anymore.

You can't sit down and talk with her.

I can't sit. I can't squat.

Can't lean.

I wanna try something.

Not the keto diet 'cause I'm not fucking doing that.

- No. - Okay.

This is a mass marketed,

generic talking to the dead board game.

And I wanna use it to try to contact Whitney Houston.

All right. Now, a lot of people may not know

that you were best friends.

And I understand what it's like to have that one friend

that you can only say certain things to.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

They're nonjudgmental, anything goes.

So let's get Whitney on the line, if you will.

Let's fucking do it.

All right.

Not a big fan of vulgarities.

Okay, now we need to focus.

Okay.

We need to get in the mood.

All right.

We need to believe

Do you b-

No, we don't have the rights.

All right.

Whitney Houston.

I'm here with your best girlfriend, Cher.

She wants to discuss something with you

that only you can help her with.

Are you here?

You see that? It went right to yes.

Whoa.

She's here. Whitney, I feel your spirit.

But do you think you could possibly

manifest yourself physically

and talk to your friend?

Please Whitney.

Academy Award, People's Choice, what else was it?

Golden Globe.

Golden Globe Award winner Cher.

She's here!

Oh my god.

Whit!

Whit!

Oh my god.

I'm here for you, girlfriend.

What is it?

Whit, I am so glad you're here.

There are only certain things that I could tell you.

Open up. Share.

Should I shave my puss?

What?

You summoned me from beyond the grave to ask me that?

Yeah. I mean all the really hot young guys

wanna bang a bald basement, don't they?

Who cares what they want.

You are Cher for fuck's sake.

Up to this point, you have never changed for anyone.

You have not had any work done

or altered your appearance in any way.

Yeah.

I did it. I went to see Dr. Max Lehfeldt at Radiance Spa.

He offers surgical and non-surgical aesthetic treatment

for face and body.

We're talking rejuvenation, antiaging, and body sculpting.

So call Dr. Max today.

You know, one time Bobby asked me to shave my bush

in the shape of the letter B for him.

Do I look like a fucking monogram towel?

No, you do not.

Yeah.

So I told him to kiss my ass.

I said, if I'm gonna shave my bush

in the shape of the letter B,

it's not gonna be so you can brand me like,

like some heffa you own,

it's gonna be to remind you that I'm that bitch.

Right on. And what did he say?

I don't remember. We, we were doing a lot of drugs

but not crack!

Okay, crack is whack.

So show me the receipts.

You know what it's like.

You were married to Greg Allman.

I was?

Oh yeah. I was.

Do you feel better?

I really do.

Oh my God.

And thank you, Durr Jackie.

Hey, wait a minute. Where's your mole?

- What mole? - Mole?

Yeah, your mole.

You know the one you always cover with makeup,

but that only real close friends and family know about?

- Oh, oh, oh my mole. - Your mole.

My mole,

you were talking about my mole.

My mole. - Your mole.

My mole.

When, when you go to heaven, you see,

Snap out of it!

Oh my god. You're not Whitney.

You can't slap a ghost.

Your hand goes right through them.

Everybody knows that.

Okay, now don't freak out, Cher.

Don't freak out? I am so confused.

I have not been this confused since Chaz.

Let me finish.

Tried to explain the end of that movie Inception to me.

What the fuck was that?

I am so sorry, Dr. Jackie.

I had no idea Whitney had a mole.

I didn't either. It's not your fault.

I just Googled it and nothing comes up.

What the hell's going on? Are you two in cahoots?

No, we are both wearing normal pants.

Now, listen, Cher.

You've been coming to me for a long time

and I have used all sorts of different methods

to try to help you like role playing and hypnosis

and uh,

remember that little anatomically correct doll

wearing the Bob Mackie sequin gown?

Yeah.

They all worked. Remember?

And this worked.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You had a breakthrough.

I did.

This is a therapy actress. Her name is Danielle.

Wow.

It was a risk on my part to go to this extreme.

But it worked.

You feel better.

I really do.

You made a breakthrough!

I did!

All right. Then the ends justify the means.

As long as that doesn't mean I have to do anal,

'cause I'm not doing that.

I feel so much better.

Wait a goddamn minute.

Does that mean that wasn't Sonny's ghost last week?

Uh, that was me.

Damn. She's good.

Do you need some chapstick?

What are you talking about?

Hey honey, what's up?

Dr. Jackie, Dr. Jackie Beat.

It's Jackie Weaver here.

Uh, I need your advice.

Mm hm?

Um, people keep stopping me in the street

mistaking me for you because same first name,

both in the movie Stage Mother.

Okay?

How do I politely explain to these people,

who think I'm you, uh, that I'm not you?

All right now, listen,

I can totally relate to what you're going through.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody came up to me

on the street and mistook me for JLo,

I wouldn't have to do this stupid job.

Here's what you do, all right?

The next time it happens, you look them right in the eye.

And you say, I am not Dr. Jackie.

I am two-time Academy Award nominee, Jackie Weaver.

I've been in movies like Animal Kingdom,

Silver Linings Playbook

and the legendary Picnic at Hanging Rock, biatch!

Add the biatch. That always works.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie, you always have the best advice.

You're my hero. And I love you.

Glad to be of help.

Phew.

Oh, good afternoon. How was your lunch?

I got hung up at the bank,

so I didn't even get a chance to eat.

Oh, that's weird 'cause you have

a little barbecue sauce right-

I had one chicken wing, Judge Judy.

They were giving out free samples.

At the bank?

What's my afternoon look like?

A Tammie Brown and her show business manager, Sheila.

Sounds like more workplace drama to me.

Aren't you glad that we don't have any of that tension here?

Well, send them in when they get here.

And uh, could you find me a granola bar or something

so I don't nod off during their session

from low blood sugar.

FYI. Barbecue sauce is full of sugar.

Oh, thank you so much.

And if I ever need any more nutritional information,

I'll be sure not to ask you.

No problem. Glad to help.

Hello ladies. Welcome.

Can I get either of you some water?

I don't drink water.

Okay?

I would've brought you some,

but I don't have another glass.

And she always comes prepared, as you can see.

Seems to be part of the problem, right?

Salud.

Let's get the party started. Which one of you is Sheila?

I am.

Sheila. Now you're-

Now if you're a psychic, I thought you would know that.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Uh, that means fuck you.

See, if she was a real good psychic she would've known

how many fingers I was holding up.

Well, if you had a crystal ball, I'd hope you'd sniff it.

Okay. I'm not a psychic.

Oh, you're not a psychic.

I'm not a psychic. I'm a psychotherapist.

A psychotherapist?

Psychotherapist is what she said.

Wait, you're a therapist for psychos?

- Yes. - Oh no, no, no, no.

I didn't agree or sign up to no therapy session.

Let me calm you down.

You told me we were coming to see a psychic.

I don't know what's going on here, but we got off to-

We're like Thelma and Louise. We're like ride or dies.

So try to come between us.

- You're- - Now-

Yeah?

- No- - Yes?

What? - Uh huh.

That's what I thought

Yeah that's what I thought.

Mm hm.

All right, now you touching my shoulder like that

is triggering me.

Is that what I'm supposed to do is share?

Let's not do anything

that makes the other one uncomfortable. Like-

I was just kidding. I don't mind really, but that's-

Except for the drinking.

Well, that is the problem is that she, you know,

and she's, she's always getting misled.

Some pipeline dream, some scheme.

You tell me we weren't gonna bring up the drinking.

- I'm sorry. - Now I'm not gonna stay

if we're gonna continue talking about it.

Well, I just think about, well, I mean, it's true,

but she's gotten the shakes.

She dragged me here because she says

that we don't communicate well.

Okay.

I think we communicate just fine.

I say it like it is, and that's how it is.

And she does say it like it is.

And I do what she says all the time, round and round.

Here we go. What's next?

Oh my god, jalapeno jelly, fiesta in every bite.

Mm that was really good, wasn't it?

Well, she's worried that we made a few people go blind,

but we don't distribute it anymore

after the lawsuits and everything.

But that's neither here nor there, you are not an attorney.

I am not anymore.

So we're not here to talk about the lawsuits.

We're not here to talk about the lawsuits.

I don't feel appreciated.

I do a lot for her and her career and her family.

And uh, I feel like everything I do

for her and them is worth 50%.

Well, how much do you take?

50%.

All right, Sheila, you feel as Tammie's manager

that you are not appreciated.

Now, Tammy, what's your side of the story?

The thing is, Sheila's always misleading me.

She has a kind heart, but she,

she ends up in the wrong place and I'm at the right time.

I make us a lot of money

and she should be appreciative of that

because I don't even make her pay taxes.

She had a number one single on iTunes called

Porta Potty Prostitute.

And then after that

we have See You in the Magazines that's charting.

Someone just saw a Porta Potty Prostitute

in the bargain bin of the 99 Cents Store

the other day or the dollar bin.

- Oh. - And so we.

Isn't that the only bin they would have,

if it's a dollar store?

I didn't think of that.

Okay, ladies, I see what's happening here.

I have to be litigious all the time

and I don't get a chance to be fun or sexy.

And she likes to shop at Ross.

I don't shop at Ross. I shop at Marshall's.

Listen, here's the problem.

You're obviously not communicating.

You need to understand what it's like to be a manager

for someone like you, you said like always dreaming,

you know, the pipe going to a pipe, pipe dream or some-

Pipe scheme, pipe dream, you know?

Yeah. If I had a manager,

if I was in show business and I had a manager,

I would want that kind of a person, dream big.

- Thank you. - I'm not taking sides here.

I'm just saying-

You just took aside and I like that.

I mean, didn't you watch that movie

with Gladys Knight and pipe dream?

No.

Well, it's the same issue.

Gladys Knight is an actress now?

She was, I have the single at the house to prove it,

the album, Pipe Dream.

Okay. That's not acting, that's singing.

Okay, listen.

It's a movie. She was in the movie Pipe Dream.

See?

No it's about-

And this it's why I drink right here.

You understand what I'm saying now?

Okay let's just-

She already has you twirlin' and whirlin'

here in this jungle and you don't even know

what she's talking about.

Twirlin', whirlin' here in your jungle.

Well, I find the plants are soothing.

Well, I'm glad I wore my war outfit

because I'm ready for it.

Mm hm.

Camouflage. I can barely see ya.

And I was, I was so concerned because I,

I didn't want her to blend into the green screen.

If you know what I mean.

- I don't. - Floating around.

This is a real set. It's not a green screen.

I don't know what you do on your TV show, Tammie.

But oh, anyway, this says a lot, camouflage.

She's onto something.

Camouflage, like trying to disappear.

Blend in. I'll be back here.

Perfect for a manager role.

Then you've got the bold graphic, you know,

print and the, the bright hair.

So we have the star.

Now we always need help behind the star. Okay?

But here's the problem.

You two are speaking different languages.

You don't understand where the other one is coming from.

So what I'm gonna do is we're gonna play

a little game of role playing.

Now role playing is something that I actually invented.

You invented that?

So you're gonna switch places.

Now, Sheila, you're going to be Tammie.

And Tammie, you're gonna be Sheila.

Tammie, you get to speak first.

Well-

- Tammie, this is Tammie. - Oh!

Oh, I'm Tammie.

Yes.

And you want me to say the things that she says to me?

Yes.

Okay.

Sheila, I don't know if I'll be able

to do all that because I wear a lot of hats and

That's all I hear.

It's like a cartoon on crack cocaine.

Phew. It's your turn. Tammie, you are now Sheila.

Well,

'cause she has that little country accent.

Well, can I get you?

Uh, let me g-get you this contract right here.

And I'm gonna go back there and sniff this

and then you're gonna do what I say to do

because you owe me $45,000.

Where's the lie?

Hey Chico, do you know any cocaine addicts?

Are you still Sheila or-

There's a slight bit of schizophrenia in there.

Yes.

Okay. Well that role playing went so well

that I'd like to try another exercise, if you don't mind.

Have you all heard of the Rorschach inkblot test?

No, I don't do nothing from Russia or anything like that.

Okay. Well he was Swedish.

Okay. Well-

Do you like a Swedish massage?

Do you like a Swedish meatball?

I don't know.

Why don't we move on to the inkblot test?

This is where I hold up a random inkblot image.

And you tell me what you see. Okay?

I think this is gonna help me know each of you

a little better.

Just look her straight in the eyes.

No. Can I just point out Sheila?

Yes.

- I respect you. - Sheila, me?

No, not, you're not Sheila anymore.

I'm role playing.

- Not anymore. - You're not me more.

We don't know who she's gonna be now.

Okay. Now let's do the fucking inkblot. I'm sorry.

I'm a professional. Let's do this.

Tammie, what do you see?

I see, I see a tree.

It's a radioactive mushroom cloud.

Okay. Tammie, what do you see?

I see angels.

Okay.

God.

I see Satan.

Well, technically Satan was an angel.

Spoiler alert.

Mm hm. Spoiler alert.

And finally, Tammie, what do you see here?

Wow. I see the most beautiful Monarch butterfly.

Sheila?

I see a toddler trapped underneath the 1978 Ford Taurus.

It's mother desperately trying to rescue its body

from underneath the burning wreckage

before the flames hit the gas tank.

But it's too late. They explode.

Limbs flying everywhere is what I see.

What?

Tammie, please.

There are no right or wrong answers.

There are simply sick and unsick answers.

But in this case, Sheila, I'm afraid you are wrong.

This is clearly a butterfly.

Okay, I get it.

But I don't get this. What does all this mean?

Well, I'm no doctor, but it means you are fucking crazy.

Tammie, please.

We do not use that word.

Sheila, it means you're crazy.

There's no need for vulgarities.

Okay. Fine, fine. Whatever.

I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

One floor over the cuckoo's nest.

How do I fix it, psychic?

You may wanna start by

stopping drinking?

Okay. No. Uh uh.

No. That's where I draw the line.

I am not gonna pay anyone to tell me

that my drinking is a problem

because it's not a problem.

It's my medicine.

This is perfect because we're actually out of time.

Good.

I wanna see you ladies at least four times a week

over the next 10 years.

Well, that sounds like a plan to me.

Well, good luck because I can't promise

I'm gonna be alive that long.

Doctor Jackie.

I cannot promise you that I will be alive next week.

Doctor Jackie.

I can't even promise you that I will be alive

in the next 30 minutes.

Doctor Jackie.

You're not getting no more than a copay from me.

30 minutes.

You are getting a copay and that is it.

Get your hands off me.

That really triggers you though, doesn't it?

That really triggers you, doesn't it?

- Tammie. - You shoulda seen it.

You should've seen it.

Sheila just left.

Why don't we continue with the role playing,

you pretend like you're Sheila and you leave too.

I can't drive.

Is she driving?

She's Tammie.