Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy,

♪ she had no cash.

♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash. ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ a bitter aging actress

♪ who's agent just recently dropped her. ♪

♪ Sittin' on her ass, drinking cheap boxed wine, ♪

♪ 'til she took a bogus class while at home online. ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed. ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor. ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ the craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore, Sherry. ♪

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list. ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie, the unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪

Honey, that's what I said.

I told him if you want anal,

you're gonna have to do a lot better than Applebee's.

Oh my God, you know exactly what I'm talking about biatch.

I gotta go. Bye mom.

Well hi, and welcome to Dr. Jackie's show- office.

I mean Dr. Jackie's office, how may I help you?

I'm Tiffany, I'm leasing the office next door.

I wanted to come over and introduce myself

Hi, I'm Sherry.

to Dr. Jackie. I've seen her on TV.

I wanted to introduce myself to Dr. Jackie.

Oh, okay.

Well, she's not here

and I'm not expecting her until much, much later.

Good morning. I wasn't expecting you.

Oh, this is Susan.

Tiffany.

Susan's renting the space next door.

I'm an aesthetic nurse.

I wanted to come by and say hello and offer you a

complimentary procedure of your choice.

Oh, that is so generous of you.

Thank you.

You don't, by any chance, do a tattoo removal do you?

I would love to get rid of this

Dave Chappelle portrait on my shoulder

and maybe the I heart J.K. Rowling tramp stamp?

I'm afraid I don't.

I specialize in Botox, filler, follicle rejuvenation,

lip plumping, hair removal.

Hair removal? Oh, I might be interested in that.

Do you have a weed whacker over there?

Hey, could you maybe help me get rid of this

unsightly thing that has been embarrassing me for years?

Just kidding, Shirley.

I love you.

Sherry.

Whatever.

You know, the combination of all that cheap, greasy,

heavy makeup and all this unflattering fluorescent lighting

can really wreak havoc on one's face.

Oh, I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive.

It's just that skin changes the older you get.

Well I'm right next door. So just let me know.

Yes, I will. And just to show you

how much I appreciate you coming over here,

I'd like to offer you one free therapy session

of your choice.

I specialize in helping clueless, classless idiots

gain common social skills.

What's my first appointment?

Oh, these two weirdos.

They just called to say that they were having trouble

parking because the vibrations were off.

F M L.

Huh?

That means fuck my life.

Just kidding.

Horrible. Just awful.

Oh my God, the receptionist.

Oh, it's a wasteland.

It's awful.

It's a spiritual

District nine.

It's a spiritual vacuum out there. Just like I'm.

Ugh.

We're here to help people.

Yeah.

So how can we help you?

We come in, it's like a Brillo pad

Oh my God.

of bad energy up in my face. Just,

Hi you guys.

Sh, ba ba ba bah, no, no, no,

No, no, no, not yet.

Uh uh.

Not yet.

We have to set our intentions

Always do that.

We have to set the operation thing. Just like,

there. Gonna get some good stuff going,

because I am already in a mood and I don't need that on.

Do you have a lighter dear or long handled lighter?

I brought matches.

Thank you. Babe, look at me in the eye.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks for being my,

break up some of this.

My champion.

Ah, yes.

A mask in case we want to go blank.

Just gonna take that out. Oh, oh, that's better.

Just get this out of the way

So much better.

Just set that right there.

Mmmm

That's a coaster.

No no no, just, um, can you

A coaster.

She's adorable.

Labels? No, gonna lay that down there, over there.

Okay. Well gentlemen, I don't want to misgender anybody.

Yeah. Be careful.

Gentlemen okay?

Yeah, uh,

I don't like gentle.

I don't man.

I don't appreciate that.

So spirit, sweet sprite spirits.

Sweet sprite spirits, let's start. Now

Yeah, 'cause this is very harsh and priapic

and I don't need to look at that.

I might get too aroused by it so,

Ugh, electronics. Not great, but,

Okay. You guys just breathe.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you.

That was a lot, but remember we only have 50 minutes.

So Peodor and Grimsley.

No, wrong again.

Opposite.

Wow. Not intuitive at all.

I'm so sorry.

Should we change chairs for you?

Is that what you need it to be?

We've never met, no come on you guys.

Let's try to keep this a fertile zone if you will.

Ooh, yes.

Um

Like my throat.

Um, so let's just get to brass tax if you will.

Yes.

Why are we here?

We are depleted from helping others.

Just exhausted.

Yeah. What exactly do you do?

I mean, I see you the accoutrement of your,

What do we do?

Clearly we do

Is it healing? Or

Yes. A. That

Yes.

B. Fulfilling.

Yes. Spiritual purging.

Radical screen jumping.

Yes.

It's all in the

Shriek enlightenment.

Yeah.

Ignoring truth.

Yeah. There's a, the grip.

The grip of forgiveness.

Uh oh.

The gripping of forgiveness.

No, no, no.

I've never heard the phrase ignoring truth.

Yeah, oh

That, uh

Why would you wanna

I recommend it.

There's a word for that.

We need someone delusion.

I named my niece delusion,

they let me raise her for three months.

The state took her away from me. But her, uh

Which state was that?

Huh? Wiscon.

Wiscon.

I won't say sin. Wiscon.

I don't like sin. I love to sin.

I don't like the negative connotation. Here's the thing,

Where did you hear?

Did you see my, did you see my bus bench ad, or

Maybe.

I'm just curious as did someone

I'm getting a,

I'm getting a vision of you on maybe like

a television program of some sort.

You seem elegant.

Oh, you saw me on

We hate television.

We won't deal with it.

We don't like it.

Maybe we were walking by a storefront

with televisions in it.

Yeah.

You know, we saw you on television, possibly.

In a small town in America.

Yeah.

You were passing a store.

So. In Connecti. In Connecti.

Connecti.

I don't say cut.

God no, cause cut is harsh and very violent.

But we definitely saw you in our thing,

and you know.

Uh, that. That's interesting. That's weird.

I guess it's just like, therapists need therapy.

Mm-hmm.

So I just invented that and I like it.

Have you met a more brilliant,

a more brilliant, more sexy.

So help us. Help!

sweet, sweet fellow?

Thank you.

Now, are you too a couple?

A couple?

No, no we are not.

No, not right now we're not. Okay?

No. No, we're not right now.

Let's just be clear we're not.

We were.

Agreed.

We used to be. We were and have someone hoards his sweat.

And someone keeps their toenail clippings

in a tiny little jar.

Okay.

So anyway, I was raised,

my father made us live in a sand castle for the first five

years of my life. So I have a lot of abandonment issues.

How do you, how did you get on that TV show?

It was an early thing.

Good morning USA.

Whatever, sure.

Sure, if you say so.

So that's, you know, yeah.

And we were just like

Yeah, we were like, we could do that.

We could do that. Why can't, why her not us?

Yeah, I know. It's kind of weird.

It's like you watch things and

immediately a light bulb went off.

Right?

Cause it's like, we were like, that's us.

That's what we should be doing

and why is she getting to do that?

Sounds like me watching pornography.

I could do that. Or how come that's not me?

You know what,

but I had a dream the other night that we were on TV.

See? So

Um, and that was the dream.

And if I don't follow my dreams,

I get very bad indigestion.

Do you have a number you call to just say

I'd like to be on TV or is it like a

I'm a psychotherapist. I'm not a producer.

You know, they just contacted me.

They were looking for therapists.

That's good.

Is that vodka?

Yeah, or tequila.

You giving out samples?

I don't have a cup.

We have a mouth.

Just traded in my salt.

Yeah. Just

Salt

Water the salt. They'll love it.

I don't know any of these terms.

Barely drink, I hate it.

But in my, at all,

but in my, um. In my

dream, I definitely the word agent

agent came up.

Do you know what that means? And can you get us one?

Okay. You guys,

I see what's going on here.

Well, we're helping.

You're therapist. I hope so.

And you are passionate about what you do.

Thank you.

You wanna help as many

It's okay.

It's alright.

Someone just saw me.

You saw me.

I see you.

Oh, okay. Not listening but I'm seeing.

Now, listen.

That was weird.

Yeah.

You are passionate about what you do.

Thank you.

You love healing people.

Absolutely.

You love helping people.

And when you saw me on TV,

you immediately thought I could help more people.

Yes.

using this.

Sure.

I have to burst your bubble.

I have nothing to do with that. Like I said,

the phone just rang.

I said yes because that was, I was, have you done yes week?

Is that peyote?

No.

Oh.

Yes week is where for one week

you just say yes to everything.

Yes. I'll be able to

I've done yes life.

Yeah. That's true.

I had my first lesbian experience.

That's when the producers of Good Morning USA called.

I ate blowfish.

I need to take notes.

Yeah.

If I only knew how to write.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I'm gonna do my

But here's my thing, I wish I could help you

Blowfish, lesbian.

Blow a fish and eat a lesbian is what I heard.

Get on TV.

Yeah.

If there's like a number we could,

it'd be great if you could like call a number .

A contact.

A person.

An agent.

Look, I will do anything with my body.

Um, I

wasn't done, but

Won't say sin. Won't say cut.

You're not a couple anymore, but you used to be

Fingers crossed.

You hoard your sweat?

Nope.

You hoard your sweat.

I hold my toenails in a jar.

Okay, maybe you should switch seats.

Anyway. I'm kidding.

It's hard to tell cause it's never funny.

This is a coaster and

Oh. That's where I draw a line.

That's where I draw a line.

Wow. That's where you stop looking at your notes and you

Here's where I draw the line.

Okay.

Oh, you're a very literal person.

Okay, alright, so she just, what she did

was that she judged.

She shattered.

And she shattered.

Well, then I'd be Judge Jackie, wouldn't I.

And I'm not Judge Jackie.

I'm

Give it to me. Give it to me. I'm

It fell off.

Okay.

This is me right now

Person. Very

I feel like I've got nothing to give.

No, can I just really get real with you for a minute?

Please, please.

I think it's time to look in the mirror and admit that the

only fuckin' reason you came here

was to get on Good Morning USA.

You are funny.

Now come on, you guys.

Truth with a capital T.

If there's anything you could do to get us on there,

that would be great.

Alright. You guys, we're out of time.

This has been enlightening.

It's fake!

Like some other people in this room

who won't help other people who just need it.

Yeah. Get it, somebody's famous.

Guess what?

Somebody's

Guess what?

My toenails are in the city dump right now.

Yeah.

You guys, you guys, you guys

What?

I'm messing with you.

Here's the business card of the

producer of Good Morning USA.

Bye, Felicia.

Get it and memorize it.

I love winning!

You're horrible people,

but you're gonna make great TV.

Oh my

Freaks.

Fucking freaks.

Why can't everybody be normal like me?

Dr. Jackie here.

Hi, Dr. Jackie.

It's me, Cassandra Peterson.

Hey, honey.

I have kind of an emergency.

You know, I

Oh!

I'm running around the country,

you know, trying to promote my new book.

Yours cruelly, Elvira.

Oh yeah. I read it.

It's real juicy.

Yours cruelly, by Elvira. You should read it.

Anyway, I have this thing that keeps happening.

All these guys keeps sending me pictures.

Oh.

They're pictures of them dressed as Elvira.

They all look better than me.

And that's getting to be really, really depressing.

So we're talking about drag queens here. Am I right?

Which is also fine.

We're talking about men

who put on tons of garish makeup

and plop synthetic, fake looking wigs on their head

and you know, prance around?

Um

Don't let a bunch of drag queens, you know,

make you feel less than.

I, I just thought maybe you have some advice for me.

You are the real deal.

You are fucking gorgeous.

Okay? Are you listening to me? Are you hearing this?

There's only one Elvira, and it's you bitch.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie, that really helps.

Alright. Glad to hear it.

You are brilliant.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I can't believe Elvira

is one of my clients.

Hashtag blessed.

I guess you're probably wondering why I wanted to speak with

you this morning.

I'm getting fired.

No.

I'm getting a raise?

Ha, no.

I give up. Why?

Well, it's the first of the month

so I read everything that's in the employee suggestion box

and I must say, I am not amused.

What do you mean?

Give Sherry a raise.

Hey, how about a four day work week

like they do in Japan?

Fire Dr. Jackie.

You wrote all these, didn't you?

No!

Sherry, we are the only two people who work here.

Maybe you wrote them.

They are all in your handwriting.

No, they're not. I did it with my left hand.

Fill the water cooler with Chardonnay,

get a subscription to People Magazine.

Adopt an office puppy?

Come on. You have to admit those are great ideas.

This is a place of business,

not an amusement park, Sherry.

Despite the way you dress.

Whatever, you're the boss.

Sherry?

Yes, Dr. Jackie?

Do you notice anything about my desk?

Oh, there. One suggestion left.

Why don't you read it?

Are you serious?

We're getting a frozen yogurt machine?

Uh-huh.

We're getting a frozen yogurt machine!

Yes!

We're getting a frozen yogurt machine!

Hello, I'm Dr. Jackie, and you are?

I'm Dorothy.

Dorothy.

It's pronounced Dorothy.

Three syllables.

Alright.

They're very important.

Dorothy.

So it's our very first session together,

so why don't we start out by

you telling me a little bit about yourself

and why you're here today?

Well, quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed.

Me, sitting here with such small, demure shoulders.

What are you

Pardon me.

Adding shoulder pads?

I'd feel more comfortable. You don't mind do you?

Not at all. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.

Thank you

Is, uh

Anyway, Doctor, therapy has never really been my thing.

Right.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I'm divorced,

I live in Miami,

I'm a substitute teacher

and I have three roommates.

Doctor, is this a safe space?

Of course it is. You can tell me anything.

Can I speak to you frankly?

Honestly?

Please.

Alright.

That's the only way we're gonna get anywhere.

My roommates are driving me crazy.

What's going on?

Oh God. Where do I start?

Well, there's my first roommate, Blanche.

Blanche

No last names please.

Oh,

because we wanna keep this patient-doctor confidentiality.

Actually it's for legal purposes.

We're already pushing it by calling you Dorothy and

nevermind.

Tell me about Blanche.

I wanna be as sensitive as I can here.

Um, she's, uh

she's a slut!

The men that she has had coming in and out

of this house in Miami.

I mean, seriously,

she once went on a date with my ex-husband Stanley,

if you can believe that.

I once walked in on this woman having a train run on her

from the entire cast of Fiddler on the Roof

for the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater.

Oh, one.

Yeah, Deary, could you tell me what

"run a train" means?

"Run a train" is a euphemism for a gangbang.

Oh, well that's terrible!

It sounds like this woman has no boundaries.

Right?

She's not respecting you as a roommate.

Not at all.

Now you said you had several roommates.

Who's the other one?

Her name is Rose.

How do I put this gently?

Rose is,

she marches to the beat of

Well,

Rose is,

she's an idiot.

My God.

She's so stupid.

And honestly I never really liked her.

Now, Rose is supposed to be the fun one, the innocent one,

but that's not how it really is.

The truth is Rose has been addicted to pain pills and she's

killed not one, but two men.

How?

By sleeping with them.

Oh.

It's almost unbelievable.

It's like a house full of sluts.

Yes.

Well, except me.

Oh, is that something you might want to talk about?

I wish.

You wish you were a slut?

Oh, I wish I was getting any dick whatsoever.

Blanche and Rose. Are those your only roommates?

No.

Get this.

My mother moved into the house. Oh,

What?

My God. Oh God, you see her retirement home burned down.

It was a very nice retirement village.

Sha-

Not sunny, evergreen trees.

Hm.

Yeah.

So she moved in with you after it burned down?

Oh, she did.

My mother's horrible.

She's the source of all of my problems, Doctor.

Well, that's one of my famous phrases.

"When in doubt, blame the mother."

Well, it's really accurate in this case.

But, Doctor, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

You know, the girls: Rose, Blanche; my mother, Sophia.

We may have our differences.

We may have our ups and downs,

but at the end of every episode,

we come together and find a common ground and realize we're

chosen family.

Did you say episode?

What?

At the end of every episode.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, Doctor.

I think that's a very interesting way to phrase it.

And something's been bothering me as you were talking about

your roommates and your life and

Not enough shoulder pads?

No, more than enough shoulder pads.

Very self-conscious.

Sasquatch chic.

You know, when you were talking about your life

and specifically your roommates,

there was something that I couldn't put my finger on,

but it seemed very familiar to me.

And then when you said episode,

it hit me like a ton of bricks.

There is a television program,

a beloved sitcom from the eighties,

about four older women who lived together in Miami.

I can't say the title for legal reasons,

but let's just call it

The Gilded Gals.

I feel like you are the character Dorothy,

from that television show and the people you're describing

are characters from that show.

Doctor, you're absolutely right.

Oh, I can't believe it I've been so blind.

I just don't understand what's going on in your real life,

where being a 50-something year old unattractive, manly,

shoulder-padded, divorced substitute teacher

is better than being yourself.

Oh, I feel like such a fool.

You're trying to escape from your real life.

Yes. Yes.

You're right.

So I guess the question is,

are you ready to be your authentic self?

Yes. Yes I am.

Are you ready to be courageous and brave and not only pull

down this emotional wall that you're putting up,

but also pull off that wig?

That horrible wig and maybe pull off that hideous outfit and

those chunky eighties earrings.

All right. I get it.

All of it has to go.

Okay.

All right, here we go, Doctor.

I'm with you. You can do this.

I can't wait to meet the real you.

Hi, what's your name?

Hi.

My name is Carrie.

I'm a newspaper columnist from New York city and I love

hanging out with my close friends,

Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. You see

And just like that,

I helped get another person separate reality from fantasy.