Original subtitles

♪ She was unemployed and happy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass

♪ Drinking cheap boxed wine

♪ Til she took a bogus class

♪ While at home online

♪ Finished fast

♪ Came in last

♪ Barely passed

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the Showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant ♪

♪ And more scary

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant ♪

♪ That dumb whore Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

Well, it wasn't very long, but it was super thick.

Well, plus he paid for dinner.

I gotta go.

Good morning Dr. Jackie.

Good morning.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had car trouble.

You got a brand new car.

What happened?

I overslept and got in it too late.

What's my first appointment this morning?

A young lady named Katya

Young?

Yes.

Lady?

Mhmm.

Katya?

That's what it says, right here.

Well, what's her situation?

She's severely depressed.

Suffers from low self-esteem.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, is she paying cash, or does she have insurance?

Oh! Oo, she has top of the line insurance

that covers 100% of all her sessions.

Oh goodie.

I mean, she sounds like a very sick woman

and I'm probably going to have to see her at

least four times a week.

Got it.

Oh, I thought you said

you weren't gonna get any more plants.

It's a small one.

And besides Sherry,

people need oxygen, and plants produce oxygen.

Coffee?

I think just the cup this morning.

Mhmm.

Sherry?

Yes?

I think you might wanna review

the employee dress code again.

No sequins.

But you're wearing sequins.

I'm the star!

The boss, I'm the boss.

Got it.

Plants produce oxygen?

I don't think so.

Look it up.

I'll get my answer in 20 minutes.

Hi. How are you?

Not great.

Oh, Honey.

I know I heard your call.

It was frantic.

What's going on?

I don't even know where to start.

Okay. Well, I have a-

At the beginning.

Okay.

That's where you start.

Okay.

That might be your problem.

Oh. What?

Relax. We have an hour.

Okay.

What's the problem?

Well, I think that I might be

psychotically

preoccupied with

other people's opinion.

Okay. Here we go. I-

There's no judgment here.

Oh, okay.

Okay? Tell me about your life first of all.

And then let's get to the problem later.

Well, it's perfect.

That's the problem.

My life is perfect.

I have a huge set of adoring fans.

I'm world famous for something

that I don't even know what for.

I'm beloved in my community and around the world.

All, all I get online is just

like praise and love and constant.

But I just have this feeling that everybody hates me.

Everybody hates you.

And it doesn't make any sense, but I just, I don't know.

Oh

Everybody

Hates me.

Yeah, there's something about the way that my friends,

my coworkers, even my family, and especially

my main partner, my creative partner.

I just sense this seething, hatred.

This bubbling, churning, putrescent, like a

Deary, what does putrescent mean?

It means like super gross.

Continue.

Okay. So it's like this.

You know how smells can get like hit you

and you fall over and then you, you start puking.

It's like, it's like a real

it's like the gut punch of a feeling.

Right.

Yeah. And it's, I just

That everyone hates you.

Every single person at the post office,

at the Boulangerie at the, the Jamboree.

You can say bakery.

It's in France.

Oh.

So what do I do?

Well, first of all I do have to say

that in my opinion,

low self-esteem

and this is sort of classic imposter syndrome.

The whole world loves you, but you don't love yourself.

It's rooted in the mother.

So let me ask you, tell me about your mother

and how she treated you and how she raised you.

Well, she didn't talk until she was about 30

and then she screamed and went to China for two weeks.

Okay. This makes no sense.

How would you know that she didn't talk until she was 30?

Because she screamed I'm 30 and I'm going.

And then she went to China.

Who among us has not had that type of mother.

You know, she never hit me.

She kicked me.

Sure.

Right.

You know, she never strangled me, but she fingered me.

So I feel like she blamed me for a lot of things that were

you know, you know, deaths,

Right.

murders.

There were murders?

There was a lot of murders in the neighborhood.

Mostly animals, but...

I'm so sorry, one second.

This is important.

Did somebody die?

No, it's a really funny meme.

Oh my God.

I love corgis.

Corgis?

I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

I have an idea.

Okay.

I want to do some affirmations.

Okay.

You have a tape playing in your head.

Have you ever heard that?

That phrase?

A what?

Like you have, like you have a recording

in your head from your mother.

Remember the woman who kicked you and fingered you?

Yeah.

Oh, like a recording?

Yeah.

Like, like a, like a boombox.

You're worthless.

Yes.

Hey you little bitch.

You know?

I never should have had you.

God damn it you're ugly.

Yeah.

What is going on with that eye makeup?

Yeah.

Why did you wear that dress?

You know, black and White's not good for TV.

Yeah.

What is wrong with you bitch?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Why so many elbows?

Why the knees always dirty?

What's with all the fingers?

Exactly.

Yeah.

So we need to stop that tape.

Now, I don't know how old you are,

and I don't care, don't say it.

Okay.

Now you're gonna push stop.

We don't wanna hear that anymore.

Okay.

That's that song on Jagged Little Pill that doesn't work.

Okay.

You wanna hear the hits.

The Macarena.

Okay, that's not.

Alanis Morrissette did not do the Macarena.

Gangnam Style.

Okay.

We're pushing stop.

We're gonna, we're gonna play a different song.

We're gonna play a different tape.

Okay?

Okay.

So you're gonna repeat after me.

Okay.

Okay?

No more Mommy saying, "I hate you."

"You're ugly."

"What the fuck?"

"Why did you wear that?"

Why did you wear that?

We're gonna do a new thing.

Okay.

So repeat after me.

Okay.

I am worthy.

I am wormy.

I'm a valid person.

I'm a vapid person.

Okay. Did you see what you did there?

What? I closed my eyes.

Should I take my glasses off?

No, listen to me.

Look me in the eye.

Pick one.

Uh huh.

I said, "I am worthy."

You said, "I am wormy."

A worm is the lowest thing on earth crawling around.

I said, "I am valid."

You said, "I am vapid."

Vapid, correct me if I'm wrong,

means empty; of no value.

Intellectually devoid of any substance whatsoever.

These tapes are still playing.

All right?

Look, look at the finger.

And, and this is not Mommy's finger.

So don't freak out.

Okay.

Stop.

Now. Let's try it again.

Okay.

Really listen to what I'm saying.

Okay.

I am worthy.

I am flirty.

Katya, Katya.

You're more than your sexuality.

You said flirty.

Flirty.

You don't need to flirt.

I, okay.

You don't need to flirt.

It's not all about being fuckable.

I am 40.

Stop it.

You're obviously older than that.

Listen. I need you to focus.

Okay.

Really listen to what I'm saying.

I'm gonna listen.

Let it in.

I'm gonna listen.

The old tape is done.

Ready?

Ready.

I am worthy.

I am a valid person.

And people love me!

And people love me.

Louder!

I am worthy!

I'm a valid person!

And people love me!

Do you feel it?

I feel it.

Is it real?

I think it's real.

The tape is playing.

The CD's going.

I think I'm wet.

Is this Scotch Guarded?

Wait. Hold that.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

It's my phone again.

What another meme?

No, actually this is very important.

It's, no offense, a bigger name.

And I, they actually have me

on retainer and this is an emergency call.

Ann Miller?

Oh.

Hey Trixie.

How are you, honey?

Hi, it's me Trixie.

I hate to call on such short notice, but I've actually

been having some mental stress and some emotional fatigue.

Is everything okay?

I work with someone who really is just irresponsible,

difficult, selfish, inappropriate.

Oh honey.

It's just getting more and more difficult to go

to work and kind of face the day.

So I was wondering

Not a good time

Advice for working with somebody

who's truly sort of an idiot.

I totally understand your frustration, but

Garbage and really disgusting to look at.

And my stomach turns just even being

around her.

Um.

It's Katya, please help.

Awkward.

She hates me.

I was right.

Stop the tape

Don't you gaslight me.

Stop the tape!

Now, say it again.

Say it again.

Come here, come closer.

Now that's called tough love.

And it's somewhere in a book here in my office.

It is a valid form of therapy.

And speaking of valid, I need you to repeat our new tape.

Now.

I'm a worthy person.

I'm a valid person.

I'm a people person.

I love me.

You put a spin on it, but that's it.

Okay. I'm a fruit bar and a wagon wheel.

Are you feeling it?

I feel actually pretty incredible.

I feel, I mean, like I feel more limber.

I've got, oh, you hear that crack?

I've got thoracic mobility.

I think this is gonna work for me.

Thank you so much Dr. Jackie.

You are, I don't touch.

Okay, well.

Listen, I'm glad you feel better.

I'm glad you feel great.

But this is just the beginning.

We need to back this up like three, four times a week.

We need to do this.

Okay.

I'll pack a lunch.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll get a babysitter.

Do whatever you need to do.

Okay. I'll get pregnant too.

Okay. Thank you so much.

You are so welcome.

God bless you.

Yes.

God!

God bless me. It is what I do.

All right.

Thank you.

Don't.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, it was fine.

But between you and me, I think I hate her.

Oh Honey, everyone hates her.

Katya is fucking annoying.

Do you validate?

No.

Okay.

Hello?

Dr. Jackie.

It's Margaret Cho.

Oh, well hello, Margaret Cho.

How can I help you, Honey?

I'm just wondering.

So I,

had my big toenail removed.

It had toenail fungus,

because I used to be a swimmer.

Uh huh.

And I looked at the toenail.

Well now see...

And it really looked like,

I'm not sure if it was a

maybe pork rinds.

Right.

With some spicy sauce on it.

And I really wanted to eat it.

And the podiatrist said, no.

Would you have, let me eat it?

I agree 100% with your podiatrist.

Do not eat that toenail.

If you eat that toenail, next thing you know

you're snacking on other parts of your body.

And then the next thing you know

it's a slippery slope bitch.

You are eating other people's body parts.

And then, hello!

Can you say Armie Hammer?

Yeah.

He had fantasies,

sexual fantasies about cannibalizing women.

He was canceled.

Anyway, listen, I'm just saying,

be careful, you do what you need to do

but, I'm glad we nipped this in the bud.

Thanks Dr. Jackie. I would've never thought of that.

You always give me the best advice.

All right, honey.

Yeah. I'm glad I could be of help.

I'll email you a bill.

Eating your toenails.

Okay, that is disgusting.

Oh, hey. How was your lunch?

Oh, delicious.

I went to that new Italian place.

What new Italian place?

Oh, it's called Spaghetti Freddy's

and it's located right between Diet Depot

and the Back Fat Gym for ladies in that strip mall.

Hmm.

Did you eat?

Nope. Nothing for me.

Just my Trim Licious meal replacement shake.

You know, it's really not healthy to skip meals.

I'll make a note of that Dr. Fauci.

Excuse me?

I said sometimes it makes me grouchy.

Well, your next appointment is already here.

Some kind of workplace drama.

Yawn. God, I hate normal people.

Hello!

Hello. I'm Dr. Jackie and you are Mario.

Yeah. Hi.

Hello.

How are you doing?

I'm doing alright.

Seem a little uptight.

I'm okay.

Thank you.

Well, if you were okay,

you probably wouldn't be seeing a psychotherapist.

What's going on?

Well, I feel a little awkward actually.

I've never done therapy before

so this is a little weird for me.

Well, let me put your mind at ease.

This is a safe place.

This is strictly confidential.

Anything you say is just between you and me.

Well, where do I begin?

Well, just tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a 50 year old gay man.

And I don't know.

I just feel like

It's over.

You feel like it's over.

You feel invisible.

You feel less than, unwanted, undesirable.

You're not the cute guy anymore.

You're not fashionable.

You gotta wear the hat to hide the receding hairline.

You got the pot belly starting.

You know, nobody wants to, you're unfuckable.

You know, it's like in the gay world,

you may as well be a dead woman.

You're clearly on Grubhub more than Grindr.

It's over for you.

I mean, let's be honest in your community.

You're a steaming pile of shit.

Yeah. No, that's not why I'm here.

It's not?

No.

Okay. Well, why don't you tell me why you're here.

Okay, I will.

And write it down.

Well, I'm having some issues at work.

Having some issues at work.

Work. And I thought maybe uh...

And you thought that maybe uh...

I

Thought

I thought that maybe you could help.

You thought that... I don't need to write that down.

I can help.

Well, I'm here because I'm having some workplace issues.

So I brought a couple of my coworkers.

I thought maybe we could figure some of this stuff out.

Oh, well of course. Let's bring them in.

Shirley. Could you send in Mario's coworkers please?

It's Sherry.

They're right there.

Oh.

Hello.

Wow.

Um.

Did you hear all that?

That's, just so you know that that was confidential.

Everything about...

So I understand that there is some

workplace drama going on between you two.

What's going on?

This one thinks he's such hot shit.

I don't think it, I know it.

First of all, please uncross your arms.

Why don't you open yourself up

to being a part of this process?

There you go.

Now, I have heard enough.

Believe it or not.

They said one little thing each,

but I'm a seasoned professional

and I understand what's going on here.

Let me guess.

Okay?

You two work together.

You were once on friendly terms, and you

or you

sold more used cars,

or solar panels,

or water softening systems, than the other one.

And now this good-natured, fun competition has

turned your office into a virtual war zone.

No, no, no, no.

We don't work in an office.

What?

I'm a queer producer.

You can't say that word.

Look, I throw a party called Schlongz!

with a Z and an exclamation point.

And they're my go-go dancers.

And?

Look, they used to date,

and now they're bickering all the time at work.

I mean, people come there to have a good time.

And these two are just fighting, fighting, fighting.

I mean, nobody comes to see two gorgeous men wearing next

to nothing.

Behaving like school girls.

Two gorgeous men

wearing next to nothing.

Exactly.

Now what is going on?

He won't shut up about his amazing ass.

Okay. Cuz you won't, and can't

shut up about your huge cock.

I think I know what's going on here.

Do you see this?

What does it say?

Doctor Jackie.

I want all three of you to say it.

Doctor Jackie. Keyword doctor.

But, I'm not a magician,

and I'm certainly not a medium.

Oh God.

I wish I was a medium.

I'm like an extra large right now.

Well, I've been eating my feelings.

I don't know what's going on.

Physician heal thyself.

Am I right?

Listen, I need to come from a place of knowledge.

If you're trying to figure something out

you need all the information that you can get.

Now I realize that just like my Jewish friend, Barry

who is always eating bacon

and refuses to have his son circumcised,

this is highly unorthodox.

But for purely therapeutic reasons

I need to see this amazing ass

and huge cock.

I think it's our only chance to let the healing begin.

Are you two comfortable with this?

Yeah?

I guess

Great! Then let the party begin.

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D, I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D, I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D, I invented that ♪

♪ I-N-V-E-N-T-E-D, I invented that ♪

♪ I invented that

All right you guys, that's it.

Put your clothes on.

We're leaving.

Well, you must admit they're getting along now.

Thanks to Dr. Jackie.

Thank you, Dr.

Does anyone say, "Thank you, Dr. Jackie?" No.