All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x19 - Gopher It

What's this Mayor Challenge?

Ah, Fitzy's lookin' for ways
to put Dog River on the map.

Yeah, whenever election
time rolls around,

he starts to pretend
he cares.

How can you guys
be so cyclical?

That's cynical.

Maybe he meant we talk in
circles. We do that sometimes.

Yeah, Wanda.

If you weren't so cyclical,
you'd know that.

So let me tell you my idea.
It's kinda big.

Wait. Why don't you think about
it before you say it out loud.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Okay, I thought about it.

You know how in Regina they have
all those painted pig statues

and Toronto has all those
painted statues of mooses?

Moose?

No, there's more than one.

Well, anyway, I was thinkin',
uh, you know,

we should do the
same thing here.

Do what, confuse plurals?

Yeah. No.

No, we should get local
people to paint statues
of prairie dogs.

You know, I hate to say it, but
I think Hank is on to something.

Me too. Good job, Hank.

Yeah. That's the best idea
you've ever had.

Really? You like it?

Mm... no. But it's the best idea
you've ever had.

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

Since when do we have to
meet the mayor at eight
in the morning?

He's in campaign mode.

He's different when
he's campaigning.

He's a feral beast,
a hunter, a shark,

an uncaring eating machine.

No one's even
running against him.

Just remember,
we're part of the team.

We're the police.
We should be separate.

Are you a spy?

For who? No one's
running against him.

I'm keepin' an eye on you.

Quinton, Pelly.

What's the word
on the streets?

Don't you mean "street"?

I haven't heard anything, Sir.
This election is yours.

I guess my strategy of no one
running against me is working.

Hey, I got an idea for
improvin' the town.

You're moving?

Geez, I don't normally slam
Hank, but it's just so easy.

Just let me
tell ya my idea.

Sorry, I'm kinda busy.

Wow. Maybe everyone
in town's right,

this is just a cyclical ploy.

Don't you mean cynical?

If it means it happens
every election, it actually
is cyclical.

Maybe we should
hear him out.

If we pretend to listen
to the common man,

it could put us over the top.

Over the top of what?

So that's your big idea to
put Dog River on the map,

a casino?

People love them.

They got the machines that
go bing, bing, bing,

guys in the vests,
Ringette wheels.

A casino's a bad idea.

Name one bad thing
about casinos.

People become problem gamblers
and lose all their money.

If you take a problem
gambler's money away,

problem solved. See?

You just don't think
things through.

That would explain
the ring on my finger.

And everyone gets to paint
'em, just like in Toronto

with the moose, uh, mooses.

You know, of all the ideas
I've heard,

yours is the first.

Let's do it.

Really?

I'm gonna order some
big gophers to paint.

I said prairie dogs.

And-and I want 'em
to be regular size.

But they'll
only be this big.

That's what I want.

Now, how do we keep them
from squirming around?

I think they're statues.

Good. Problem solved.

I've got a good idea for
the Mayor's Challenge.

But I've got a reputation as a...

Curmudgeonly coot?

No.

A fly-off-the-handle crank?

No.

Mm, a lovable eccentric?

What was the first one?

What's your idea?
Oh. It's that we get a casino.

But Fitzy won't listen to me,

so if you tell him it's your
idea, he might do it.

There's one problem.
I don't want a casino here.

You're not listening.

You just have to pretend
that you want it.

Uh-huh.

Maybe we should build
a subway system,

or a series of canals.

I could drive a gondola.

You mean like a gondolier?

No, like a regular-size gondola.

What about a casino?

A regular-size one?

It's Lacey's idea. She says
we should build a casino.

Really? That doesn't sound
like something Lacey would say.

In fact, just the other day...

Hey, Lacey, you wanna play
some pinochle for matchsticks?

Uh, how many matchsticks?
Is it legal?

Maybe we shouldn't.

It could lead to pennies
and then who knows what.

No. This is a bad idea.

She's not exactly
Doyle Bronson.

No, she's really into it.

She wanted me to tell the mayor,
but he won't listen to me.

A casino's a bad idea. It leads
to crime and poverty,

mediocre magicians,
lame hypnotists.

Yeah.

So which one of you
is gonna go tell him?

I know Brent and Wanda
wanted to be here

to present their idea of
building the casino...

Oscar, I'm in the
middle of a campaign.

Please, shut up.

Don't you tell my
husband to shut up.

Yeah, you can't mouth
off at me like that.

He just told you
to shut up.

I haven't got time for this.
I've got a press conference.

First of all,
welcome to the press,

and to my fellow citizens,
and especially Hank,

who had this great idea
to paint big gophers.

I think he wanted
prairie dogs.

Yeah, regular size.

The mayor doesn't have time
to second guess his decision.

He didn't even first
guess his decision.

Well, he can't.

He's a tiger, a scorpion,
a thing with horns.

Hank's right. It should be
regular sized gophers.

No, no, prairie dogs.

Prairie dogs? You're crazy.

Prairie dogs make sense.

They should just be
big prairie dogs.

Look, to make everyone happy,
I'm ordering a crate

of fibreglass gophers
and prairie dogs,

big and small.

But don't worry,
they're statues,

so they'll be much easier
to paint.

Excuse me, everyone.

I also have an announcement
to make.

I'll be running for mayor,

on the platform of bringing
a casino to Dog River.

Big or small?

Can we paint it?

I'm already sorry I did this.

Okay, bye.

That was my sister, you know
the one I never talk about?

Sure. I remember you
not mentioning her.

Yeah. Well, she works
for Canada AM,

and she wants some people
in town to be interviewed

by the show about this whole
prairie dog thing.

Really?

Wow, that network will
put anything on the air.

It seems a little town
in Saskatchewan

is in the middle
of an election.

The hot button issue,
prairie dogs versus gophers.

With a story like that,
you know the fur's gonna fly.

We're joined now by some
folks from Dog River.

Let's start with Hank Yarbo.

Hank, when you proposed
this idea, is it fair to say

that people didn't "gopher" it?

Uh, no, they liked the idea.

Okay. No, but did
they "gopher" it?

Yes, they went
for it, Seemiss.

But what's all the fuss?

Are gophers and prairie dogs
that different?

Well, from a taxonomy
point of view,

prairie dogs are members
of the squirrel family,

while gophers are members
of the family Geomyidae.

Of course, I don't
want to get into

a big discourse on morphology.

Oh, would that we could.

Emma Leroy, you're
running for mayor.

Now what's your position
on gophers and prairie dogs?

Oh, I don't have one.

I'm running on a platform of
bringing a casino to Dog River.

Why do you want
a casino?I don't.

Uh, the mayor told
my husband to shut up.

Well, thanks.

It sounds like a
whale of a tale.

No, Beverly. You see, all my
puns had to do with gophers.

Oh, lighten up, "Seemiss".

Fun facts about Greek
vacations, coming up next.

Oh, uh, did you know that
the national anthem of Greece

has 158 verses?

Just puttin' it out there.

Can I get a
campaign donation?

How much?

Oh, I don't know,
like ten grand.

Hey, Wanda.

Hey. So...?

So...?

So, what did you think
of the show?

The show.

Well, I-I thought
the show was good.

You know, Emma seemed
reasonable and confident.

Hank, you were a little crazy,

and you came off
as very knowledgeable.

Did you actually watch the show
or are you bluffing

based on the stuff you think
you already know about us?

How did I do?

Spot on.

Ten grand isn't that much.
The jet fuel alone is...

No.

Licence and registration, Ma'am.

What's this about?

Are you trying to
intimidate me?

You're messing with forces,
powerful forces.

Ya play with fire,
it'll bite ya.

What are you doing, Davis?

She was speeding.

I was parked.

She was loitering.

I'm sorry, Emma. I don't know
what got into him.

Thanks, Karen.

Thanks, Sergeant Stupid.

I'm lettin' you off
with a warning.

Is that Fitzy lurking?

You just ticked off
the rhinoceros.

Are you Brent Leroy?

I wish.

Okay, yes I am.

Rob Bennett. I represent
the Pump 'N Go chain.

No, you don't.

A little marshmallow guy
ridin' a doughnut represents
the Pump 'N Go chain.

That's an oil filter
riding on a tire.

Oh, okay.

Because I always thought,
"A black doughnut.

What's that about?"

This prairie dog,
gopher thing,

it's really startin'
to take off.

Corner Gas is poised to do
some serious business here.

We'd like to help you
take it to the next level,

by having you join
the Pump 'N Go family.

Well, I don't know.

This business has been in
our family for a lot of years.

You know, I totally understand.

Think it over.

Here's our offer.

Did you forget
a decimal point?

There is no decimal
point, Brent.

Wow, that is a
lot of money.

Mind you, I'd probably have to
change this patch on my shirt.

You get a whole new shirt.

Holy crap! Really?

You can't sell Corner Gas.

Yeah. Why would you want
a wad of cash

when you can have a gas station
with Hank in it?

This is a big decision, Brent.

It's not just chili cheese dog
or no chili cheese dog.

That's no decision.
Chili cheese dog.

Think about it, Wanda.

If Brent sells, you'll
have to wear one of them
Pump 'N Go uniforms.

Brent, you can't sell
the gas station.

It's a job that I love!

By the way, I can't work
tomorrow.

I've gotta talk
to Seamus and Bev.

Bev?

You're on a first syllable
basis with Bev?

Man, I wish I never had
this prairie dog idea.

Hank, you shouldn't feel guilty
because you had a good idea.

You should feel shocked
or bewildered, but not guilty.

Have you talked to
your dad about this?

It was his gas station too.

Maybe he has some sentimental
attachment to it.

Oh. I never thought of that.

How dare you!

How dare you keep
the Pump 'N Go people waiting!

Sell it! Sell it now!

Get them on the phone!

What do you think, Mom?

It's not my business.

I don't mean that in a
none of my business sense.

The business literally
isn't mine.

Hey, shouldn't you
be out campaigning?

Why? I don't want to win.

Oh.

Maybe I'll meet that Pump 'N Go
muffin with the hula hoop.

It's an oil filter on a tire.
Don't you know anything?

It's time for
our weekly look

at all things Dog River
with Wanda Dollard.

Hi, Wanda.
Hey, Bev.

It's Beverly.

Hiya Shamey.

Oh, Wanda.

You are a delight.

But back to Dog River.

I understand you had a
very special visitor
come to town this week.

Mr. Prime Minister, what do you
make of this controversy?

Now, look. I like prairie dogs
and I like gophers.

But, sadly, neither were
given the respect they deserve

under the previous
Liberal Government.

If you had to choose one,
which would it be?

Well, I guess I'd pick
prairie dogs.

No, no, gophers.
I meant to say gophers.

That's the first time a
sitting Prime Minister

has visited Dog River since
Diefenbaker, in 1963.

Really? That's great, Wanda.

Both Conservative Prime
Ministers from the West.

Well, we'll check in
with you next week.

Oh. But I've got
more fun facts.

We know.

My polling's got me
at 12 percent.

Your polling?

Well, I just asked a
couple people, but, yeah.

Ah.

Hey,

I'm glad you're here.

I'm selling Corner Gas.

What? This is terrible!
It-it's awful!

I'm-I'm gonna be sick
to my stomach!

Well, I won't have
what he's having.

Welcome back to Canada AM.

So we go now to Dog River
for the election results
with Wanda Dollard.

Well, it's official.

Emma Leroy is the new
Mayor of Dog River.

So the casino idea was
obviously popular?

No. It's just the big gopher,
little gopher,

big prairie dog,
little prairie dog votes

all cancelled each other out.

What will Emma Leroy bring
to the office of Mayor?

Honesty.

She openly ran on a platform
that she didn't believe in,

and that stuck
a chord with voters.

They knew what they
weren't getting.

Thanks for this, Wanda.

And, um, nice shirt,
by the way.

Thanks, Shamey.

Beverly.

Well, it looks like
the shark lost its bite,

the tiger lost its stripes,
the unicorn lost its... corn.

I thought his concession
speech was very brave.

You're all rubes, rubes!

Well, you won't have Old
Fitzy to kick around.

Could someone give me a boost?

Come in.

Hi, Emma.

Oh, hi, Karen.

Congratulations, Emma.

That's Mayor Leroy to you.

Here's the cheque.

Oh.

I- I thought it would be bigger,
like one of these deals.

Great. Well, we're done.

Well, better get at it.

I'm gonna work harder for you
than I ever did for myself.

That's actually not saying much.

Actually, your services
won't be needed.

What?

But you said your stores were
operated by previous owners.

Meet the new manager of
the Dog River Pump 'N Go.

Have a nice day, jackass.

And so I've decided to promote
Karen to Chief of Police.

Oh, wow!

Emma, I-I-I don't
know what to say.

Say she's crazy and you
can't accept the position.

Stand down, Constable.

You should work out just fine.

Well, what's gonna
happen to me?

She's so beautiful.
Aww.

Thank you, Emma.

You're welcome.

No, not that.

So, you're from
Dog River, huh?

Dog River!

What did ya do that for?

I guess I'm retired now.

I finally get a chance to sit
back and read some comic books.

Yeah. Take a few years off,

then get yourself a
green hat and start
being cranky to people.

I have no choice.
It's genetic.

I'm kinda worried
about Wanda, though.

I don't know what she'll do
without the gas station.

And filling in for the
vacationing Beverly Thomson

is Wanda Dollard. Hi, Wanda.

Thanks, Shamey.

Wow, that tie really
brings out your eyes.

Today, my exclusive interview

with Former President
Bill Clinton.

Uh, I'm not on vacation.

Security.

Well, I guess this is as good
a time as any to tell you.

I'm selling too.

What?

Pump 'N Go gave me
a really big cheque.

Oh, I knew they had those.

So you're loaded too.
This is great.

Grab a green hat,
we'll hang out together.

I can't.

I'm going back to Toronto.

I'm going to open up
a restaurant there.

What? When?

Today.

You're opening a
restaurant today?

No, I'm leaving today.

Well, and you were
gonna tell me...?

Now.

Remember, I just said now
is as good a time as any?

Oh, yeah, right.

I- I have a hard time
with chronology.

*

This is all my fault.

If I hadn't had this
prairie dog idea,

none of this woulda happened.

Aw, don't say that, Hank.

We're all thinkin' it,
but don't say it.

* Hey, it's me
What a big surprise *

I'm gonna miss you, Hank.

* Calling you up from a
restaurant around the bend *

Bye, Lacey.

* Just got in from
way up North... *

Goodbye, you jackass.

Goodbye, Lacey.

* Might be a fool
Bye, Mayor Leroy.

* To think that you do
want to see me again *

I guess this is it.

Yeah.

*

* I know it's been a while
since I talked to you *

* Nothing wrong, just nothin'
ever goes as planned *

*

* Many times
I've thought I'd call *

* Didn't have your number
in my hand *

* I know it's true

* You'd never do
the same thing to me *

*

* I never meant
to make you cry *

* And though I know
I shouldn't call *

* It just reminds us
of the cost... *

Well, don't just stand
there lookin' like a tool.

Well, don't just stand
there lookin' like a tool.

Huh? What?

We wanted you to think about
your idea before you told us.

Not just stand there
staring into space

and then start humming
a Blue Rodeo song.

Oh, wow.

So-so does this mean
Lacey hasn't moved away

and-and Wanda, you're not
co-hosting Canada AM?

That's right, Dorothy.

Oh, but tonight I am filling
in for Lloyd Robertson.

Why would Wanda
co-host Canada AM?

Well, because your sister's
a producer on it.

Now, that is very interesting,

considering I don't have
a sister.

Are you sure? Because Hank
did daydream it.

Or...

is this the dream?

It's real.

I'm just glad my idea didn't
actually tear the town apart.

What was your idea, Hank?

And don't think about
it before you tell us.

Oh, okay.

I- I thought maybe we could
put statues of prairie dogs

around Dog River and
paint them like the mooses...

I mean moose... in Toronto
or the cows in Calgary.

That's not a bad idea.

Every home and business
could have their own gopher.

No, he said prairie dogs.
Technically they're different.

Giant prairie dogs
would be cool.

Or giant gophers.

No, I was thinking
small, actual size.

Are you nuts? Big gophers.
Small prairie dogs.

I'm with Emma.

Oh, man, it's happenin' again.

It's happening again!

Whoa, is he okay?

Do you think we should
go after him?

He seems really worked up.

Hey, is that banana loaf?
Oh, yeah.

You guys want some?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.