All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x13 - Census Sensibility

The place looks great, Gil.
You really turned it around.

Got a big crew, too.

Some of them are
a little young.

It's a u-pick-it, Oscar.

Huh?
Yeah, I was losin' money
hand over fist.

Then I put up a u-pick-it sign
at the road.

Now people pay me to
harvest the berries.

Holy hell.

There's plenty of
carrots over there.

Fill up your bags.

My garden!

This stuff was goin' to waste
just buried in the ground.

I got almost
30 bucks.

It'll cost ya a lot
more than that.

I took a shrub.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah.

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

I'm just saying I should
be able to wear earrings.

Not on the job.

In a struggle, the earrings give
the other guy the advantage.

Hank, if I wore earrings,
could you take me in a fight?

Well, that depends.

If I got the jump on you, I'd...

You'd choke me.

You'd pretend to choke.

I think he is choking.

We should do that thing, uh,
the Heinlich manoeuvre.

Did you say Heinlich manoeuvre?

It's Heimlich, with an "m. "

I did say Heinlich,
didn't I? Oh, what a day.

It's spelled with "m" and
you said it with an "n. "

I know. What's my deal?

Remember that time I
said "irregardlessly"?

You saved my life.

Yeah.

What's that make it,
the eighth time?

The first time with a pickle...

well, a sweet pickle.

Don't you guys know how to
do the Heimlich manoeuvre?

We know how to say it.

I'm gonna go wash this off.

That's right, safety first.

Lacey, true or false?

Your health is
important to you.

Okay. I'll pay for the magazine.

You don't have to threaten me.

No. I mean as
a busy professional,

you don't always
have time to eat.

Wanda, I work in a kitchen,
surrounded by food, all day.

Yeah. But you don't want
to eat that crap.

That's why you need Organo
meal replacement bars.

Made in Uzbekistan.

Really?

I mean, yeah.

Leave it to the Uzbekians.

They really know how
to replace a meal.

What are you sellin',
bars now?

It's a job I've taken up.

I pay you to work here.

And I still do. But now
I have a job at work.

Do you want to sell
them at The Ruby?

If I sign you up,
I get them at a reduced rate.

Oh, okay. Is this one of those
pyramid scams?

No.

It's a multilevel
marketing scam.

Man, these don't have
nougat in them or anything.

It's got soy.
That's like the anti-nougat.

If nougat and soy
were ever to touch,

we'd all be vaporized.

I don't agree with Brent's
vaporizing theory,

but I do have a bad
feeling about these.

Great.

So I should sign you up
for what, two dozen boxes?

How about I just leave?

How about you?

I only replace meals
with other meals.

You call yourselves
police officers,

but you don't have a basic
understanding of first aid?

I'm very disappointed
in you.

What about you?

Do you know first aid?

I thought she did.

I'm sending you both to the city
to take a first aid course,

this weekend.

So you don't know
first aid either?

Nope.

I had a feelin' about you.

Mm, I had the same
feelin' about you.

I was just afraid
to say anything.

If people knew about this...

They won't know.

I'll pick you up Saturday,
we'll go to the hotel.

We'll be back to work
on Monday.

Okay. See ya, partner.

I think Karen and Davis might
be having some kind of thing,

a fling, a, a secret
romantic fling, thing.

A fling thing.

In a house, with a mouse?

I'm serious.
They have
a relationship.

In a box, with a fox?

You can doubt it
if you want.

But they are going to a hotel
together this weekend.

Really?Mm-hmm.

That is weird.

I wonder how
they'll get there.

On a plane, on a train,
on a boat, with goat?

Do you know anything that
rhymes with immature?

Legislature?

Have you figured out how you're
going to pay for all this?

I don't have to pay for it.
I can do it myself.

I already fixed
your shrubs.

Yeah. About that,

you planted them
upside down.

Well, how am I supposed
to know how they go?

You got all these
stupid rules.

You and Karen,

you've been through
a lot together.

It must make ya
closer to a person.

I guess you can say we've been
in some sticky situations.

I'm outta stickies.

Here.

Thanks.

This door is sticky.

Can't help.
Hands are all sticky.

What's that in the ditch?
Is that a stick?

Well, it's stick-ey.

Are we heroes?

I'd say, yes.

Well, I think it's nice.

And don't worry,
I am very discreet.

What was that about?

Goin' on about
how we're heroes.

Hmm. Must be
desperate for tips.

Normally we hire Hank
to do the census.

I got experience.

On the other hand, normally
Hank screws it up somehow.

Granted.

On the other, other hand,
Oscar, you're Oscar.

So, you can see my dilemma.

But I need the cash.
Shrubs don't grow on trees.

We'll decide the scientific way,
with an aptitude test.

Is this the kinda thing
where I have to fill a cup?

No, no. it's a written test.

Hand me the cup.

Okay, time's up.

Let's see how ya did. Hank?

You drew a picture
of a caveman.

It's a shark.

And Oscar,

you've been reading a copy
of Chatelaine, from 1983.

I was figuring out
my sass factor.

Well, I call that a tie.

Congratulations.
You're both hired.

Just 'cause a shark's
holdin' a club

doesn't mean he's a caveman.

By the way, I filled this.

Okay, look, I want
you to quit this job.

Really? I suppose it would
give me more time

to concentrate on
selling these bars.

It's been a slice.

What? What? No, whoa, whoa!

I mean quit the bar one.

Seriously, how much
can you make selling

soy non-nougat bars?

Holy moly!

Holy moly? Who are ya,
L'il Abner?

Sorry. I get wholesome
when I'm flustered.

That's a lot of cash.

This is how much I could make if
I sign up reps to work for me.

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Well, if you're hiring,
I could sell these bars for ya.

I mean, I-I love soy.
I'm like a soy-a-holic.

Gee Whillikers,
that's tasty.

Would you like me to teach
you some grown up curse words?

I got lots.

Let's get one
thing straight.

I work alone and I don't
need some hotshot whiz kid

tellin' me how
to count people.

I know how it goes down.

You don't know how it goes down
or even when it goes down.

It just went down and
you didn't know.

You don't know me, where I'm
from, what my sass factor is.

It doesn't matter.
Out here it's different.

You need to forget everything
you learned in training.

What training?

I like your attitude.

Whoo.

Let's make this happen.

Don't feel bad, Davis.

Every first aid course
has a winner

and every first aid course
has a loser.

Why do you have to turn
everything into a contest?

Not everything
has to be a bet.

Hey, let's make
this into a contest.

Whoever does better
wins, like a bet.

A deal's a deal.

You had to buy me earrings
and I get to wear them to work.

Hope you choke
on a pickle.

You can replace a
whole meal with these.

Are you saying my
cooking's bad?

No. I'm just-I'm saying
sometimes you might

rather eat a pressed bar
of soy from Uzbekistan.

Stay away from me.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey.

Still don't believe me
about Karen and Davis?

I so don't believe you.

My disbelief is like an iron
fortress of disbelief,

patrolled by Superman.

And he doesn't
believe you either.

Check it out.

Here's your
stupid earrings.

Hah-ha-ha-haah.

Thank you, sucker.

Good gravy.

I guess Superman should spin his
webs on back to the bat cave.

You don't read a lot
of comic books, do ya?

Evenin', ma'am. Census.

We'd just like to ask
you a few questions.

Headcount.

One...

and a half.
Let's go.

Headcount?

What kinda hotshot
stunt was that?

It worked, didn't it?

Yeah, it worked this time.
You're lucky.

Now, go wait in the truck.

Headcount.

I'll give ya this, rookie.

You got guts.

Okay, how are the numbers
over there, people?

Let's hear from Team A.

Uh, I'm the-I'm
the only one here.

Let's go. You're wasting
everybody's time.

Oh, well, I didn't know we
were going to do this so soon.

Uh, okay.

Well, uh, looking at the raw
data, and rounding up,

uh, zero.

Wow. Disappointing results
from Team A.

Remember, there is
no "I" in "team. "

I'm the only
one on the team.

And you wonder
why you failed.

Everyone else, Team A is a
good example of what not to do.

Okay, I don't
want to do this anymore.

Okay, okay. Wait.

I've got something even you
should be able to sell.

Chocolate Organo bars?

How can something chocolate
be good for you?

It's a trick, isn't it? Are
bats gonna fly out of this?

You always think bats are gonna
fly out of everything.

Wouldn't put it past 'em.
Sleep all upside downy.

Rule number one.

Never use your own stash.

Can I feed this to my team?

I remember this place.

They give me trouble
every year.

What do we do?

Follow my play.

How many people in
the house, ma'am?

27 and a monkey.

Oscar, don't
waste my time.

You think this is a joke?
This is the census, lady.

Look, don't make me mad!
I'll fly off the handle!
I'll lose it! I'll snap!

Okay, calm down, pal!

My partner's a loose cannon.
I can't control him.

Help yourself out
while you still can.

How many people here?

It's gonna be one if you
don't get off my step.

Okay, we got it.

Let's roll.

I like your new root bush.

This is humiliating.

My partner,
Constable Jangle Ears.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't hear you over the
sound of my ears jangling.

Laugh if you want.

But people are going to
be weirded out by this.

Karen, I like
those earrings.

Pretty classy.

I'm not hungry.

Did I say the wrong thing?

He's a little
sensitive right now.

I'm sorry. I said that
I would be discreet.

What?

I shouldn't have said anything.

I gotta hand it to ya, rook.
You weren't half bad out there.

Remember we went
to that one house

and asked how many
people there were,

and then they told us?

You can't make
that stuff up.

Three and a half people.
That's all you counted?

You're both fired.

You don't know how it
goes down in the street.

You sit here
behind your desk.

I don't have a desk.

It's a door on two
filing cabinets.

Oh. Well, you should have one.
You're the mayor.

If he goes, I go.

I want you to go.

I'm firing you both.

I can't do it without him.

You can't do it with him.
You're both fired.

So, when do we meet
our new partners?

I want to apologize
about yesterday.

Oh, the soup
wasn't that bad.

I mean it was kinda salty.

Ah, it was really salty.

Okay.

You're saying bad things
about my soup.

But I understand. It's only
because you're hurting.

Huh?

About what I said
to you and Davis.

I said I'd be discreet
and then yesterday

I hit a sore spot.

Is this about my earrings?

I am going to make a
special dinner tonight.

Why don't you come, bring
Davis, and you guys can
work things out.

Oh, all right.

But no soup.

Again, it's irrational
that you'd say bad things
about my soup.

But go ahead, vent.

And don't worry,
I'll be discreet.

There's a phrase you don't
normally hear yelled
across a room.

What's up with
Jangle Ears?

Karen and Davis had a fight.

I think they might break up.

Well, maybe it's
for the best.

But it's love.

You don't know that.

I'm making a romantic
dinner tonight to try

and help win Davis back.

It can be hard
on a relationship

when you try and
keep it secret.

I hear ya, sister.

Lacey's cooking a romantic
dinner for Davis.
Huh?

She said she's trying
to win him back.
Uh-huh?

She said it's hard to
keep a romance secret.

What are you
nattering about?

Put the pieces together.

Romantic dinner.

Win him back.

Secret romance.

You're fired, Oscar.

That Fitzy's a jackass.

What?

Oh, gimme a second.

Hah-ha!

That's better.

Yup, the census, it's
a young man's game.

You gotta watch your health.
I almost choked on a pickle.

I know. I was there.

No, after that.

You choked on
another pickle?

No, same one.

So...

what's new in the
world of civilians?

I run a gas
station now.

I knew that.

Did you know Karen and Davis
are dating each other?

What? No!
Yeah.

No.
Yeah.

Whoa.

No!

Yeah. Heard it right from
the horse's mouth.

I heard it from Lacey.
There was no talking horse.

But they're like
brother and sister.

That's like Donny dating
Marie. That's gross.

This coming from a guy
who re-eats pickles.

Ah, I gotta go
walk this off.

Brent, I to need you to deliver
an order to the Lepinski farm.

I don't wanna go
way out there.

An order is an order.

Business only works is if you
follow the chain of command.

All right.

Well, clean the freezer
while I'm gone.

Yeah, right.
Make another wish.

Here, two boxes
of Organo bars.

Here's your box
of Organo bars.

I thought there was
supposed to be two.

I just ate one box.

Trust me, you don't
want to eat two.

Look, I've been thinkin'
about the earrings,

and maybe they are sorta
weirding people out.

Here.

What am I going to do
with stupid earrings?

Just don't wear
'em on the job.

Really? Thanks, Davis.

Davis gave earrings to Karen.

You mean to Lacey.

No, Karen. She's the blonde one.

To Karen?

Davis is playing the
field, that dirty dog.

A cop with earrings.

Another way Fitzy's
lettin' this town go to
hell in a hand basket.

A hand basket, yet!

Census.

Census? But Fitzy
already came by.

Fitzy.

I'm doing my own census.

How many people here?

I'm a loose cannon.
I can't control me.

You ate a whole box?

How is that even possible?

Well, not the wrappers.

And the box itself
is still fine.

I never shoulda hired you.

It's your fault.
Well, back to work.

That kinda sloppiness
might be okay here at work,

but not on the job.

You're fired.

Yeah? Well, if I can't do my
job at work, neither can you.

Fine.

Fine. So it's a stalemate, then.

Indeed.

There sure is a lot
of free time here

when neither one
of us is working.

It takes you back,
doesn't it?

Yeah.

I thought there
would be more people.

Well, that wouldn't
be very romantic.

Romantic?

That food looks good.

Come on.

Emma, we're closed.

This will just
take a minute.

Lacey, I don't know how
to tell you this,

but Davis has been seeing Karen.

I know.

You know?

And yet you're still
doing this for him?

Lacey, have you
no self-respect?

He's not worth it.

Worth what?

Oh, try the fish.

Hank, we're closed.

I've got somethin'
to say.

Karen, don't come here
tryin' to win Davis back.

He's two timing ya
with Lacey.

What?

Bread stick?

No, thank you. Just move on,
Karen. It's over.

Actually, I will have a
bread stick, thank you.

Davis didn't leave
Karen for me.

No, he left you for Karen.

Geez, Davis, how many
girlfriends you got?

I dunno.

I told ya it'd get weird.

Pass the risotto?Oh.

Who cares what
the population is?

It's just a number.

It's not just a number.
There's a higher purpose.

Folks on the highway need to
know how many people they're
driving past.

All right, ladies
and gentlemen,

I'd like to unveil the results
of this year's census,

which I had to do myself.

Dog River's population
is exactly...

No!

Don't listen to Fitzy!

I got the results
of the real census,

the people's census!

Well, what is it?

About 500.Oscar.

Maybe he's right.

Yeah, this town does
have about 500 people.

Oscar's a hero.

Ya done me proud, rook.
Ya done me proud.