All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x11 - Kid Stuff

You know, I've seen you
not working before.

But this is a whole new
level of not working.

I have a rip in my jeans.

So you sat down on the floor.

Did I miss the crying,
or is that still to come?

I was already on the floor,
putting things on
the bottom shelf,

when I happened to notice
a rip in my jeans,

Your Honour.

Those look like they've
had the biscuit anyway.

Maybe you should
toss that pair.

Toss these?

These are my
favourite jeans.

We've been through
a lot together.

Back, you scoundrel!

A sword fight with who?

Well, I can't
remember exactly.

But he was quite
the scoundrel.

Hey, could you could maybe patch
the hole in the knee for me?

I suppose I could, seeing
as you're an adult

pushing 40 and you have no
significant person in your life

who might be able to help you
with things like this.

Great, thanks.

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

Hey, Lacey, tell me this.

Why do you see so many
earthworms when it rains?

I give up. Why?

No, no, it's not a riddle.
I'm really askin'.

I got worms at my house.

I'm so glad you finished that
sentence with "at my house. "

Well, the real
non-riddle answer is,

worms come to drink
from the puddles.

Ah, that makes sense.

Are you serious?

That's not even close
to the real answer.

The common earthworm,
lumbricus terrestris,

has photosensitive skin.

Humid conditions are the
only time it can safely surface

without damaging its epidermis.

To drink from puddles, eh?
Thanks, Lacey.

Sure.

It's not puddles.
I told him the real answer.

What gives?

Well, maybe people get a little
put off by your big words.

You mean intimidated
by my vocabulary?

Well, yes.

But "put off by your big words"
works just as good,

as well, as good...

accurate.

Oh.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What'd I miss?

Huh? Oh, we're, uh, we're just
talkin' about wheelbarrows.

Oh, my favourite
kinda barrow.

I'm gettin' a new one.

Chrome arms.

Sweet.
It sounds expensive.

Yeah. That's why I'm holdin' out
till I get next week's money.

Next week's money?

Yeah. This week's won't quite
cover it, so I have to wait
for next week's.

What is this next week's money,
like a pension or somethin'?

The money Emma gives me.

Mom has you on a budget?
That's adorable.

It's not adorable,
and it's not a budget.

She just gives me so much
money every week and that's it.

So, uh, more like
an allowance.

Oh, very funny, smart guy.

It's not an allowance.

It's a set amount of money
that Emma doles out

at a set time every week.

Holy hell!

I'm on an allowance!

Hey, guys.
What can I get for ya?

I'll have a coffee and
an order of macaroodles.

They sound fun.

Well, I'm sure they are.

That's why they're
on the kids menu.

They are?

All right!

And they're cheap, too.

How cheap? Under two bucks?

Oh, are you tight on cash?

No.

Why would I be
tight on cash?

Seems like a
strange question.

Well, okay. Sorry.

So it's settled.
I'll have macaroodles.

You have to be under twelve,
chronologically, not mentally.

That doesn't seem fair.

Hey, we may not like
all the laws,

but we still have to
enforce them.

Rules are rules.

What can I get for you?

Just some tap water.
Brought my lunch from home.

You can't eat
that in here.

Jeesh. What's with
all the rules?

Yeah. Why can't a grown
man have a plate of
macaroodles if he wants?

That question just
answered itself.

Besides, they don't come on a
plate, they come in a bowl.

Well, a boat, actually.

Now I want them even more.

I'm going to give you
a few more minutes

with the menu and
then I am coming back.

Hey!

You look like you're
thinkin' about stuff.

Ah, kind of.

I ripped my pants, so I gave
them to Mom to patch up.

I put on other pants.

Just makin' sure.

Ya perv.

It's not a perv thing,
it's a hygiene thing.

I don't think I could
hang out here if you're
not wearin' pants.

Small price to pay.
Dignity for sanity.

What are you
trying to pull?

I'm shaving an ape.
What's it look like?

Ach, everyone's
so smart!

I'm talkin' about this
allowance business.

What allowance?

You went behind my back
and gave me money, every week.

I can't figure out this
and you at the same time.
What are you talking about?

You only give me so
much money every week.

I mean to give you millions,
but I forget.

Our money is our money.

Since when do you get to
decide who gets what?

You think I'm going to
let you run the budget?

By the end of the end of the
week we'd own a kangaroo farm.

I'm gonna make my own money.

Make money.
You can't even make a sandwich.

Oh, so I put a loaf of bread in
the dishwasher one time.

I'm going to set this up
in Brent's old room.

It's quieter up there,
and less crazy.

Oh, man.

I haven't been
up here in years.

Ah, Linda's still
lookin' good.

Buenos dias,
Seniorita Ronstad.

Seniorita's busy.
What do you want?

Uh, I wonder if you
would patch these.

I guess I can
do them for you.

Just set them
on the table.

Thanks.

Oh, man. I remember
playing with these.

Hey, stop licking them.

Stop licking them.

It makes them go faster.

Hey, need more room?

I could, uh, take the
racetrack outta here for ya

and those boxes
of old comic books and...

Does that mean
you'll go with them?

Let's see what else
I can free up for ya.

This stupid radio's
busted again.

Well, it's old.

The circuitry oxidizes over time
causing the charge to reroute.

You're gonna have
to get a new one.

Well, whatever it is,
it's not workin'.

I just told you what it is.

Somethin's loose in here.
Did you drop it?

Ah, I give up.

From now on, no more
scientifically derived
explanations.

No more what?

High-falutin' jibber jabber.

Oh.

You shouldn't dumb things down
for people. It's insulting.

That squawk box is older
than a dinosaur's diapers.

And the insides are about
as rusty as a billy goat's
breakfast.

Billy goat's breakfast.

Yeah, you're probably right.
I'll get a new one.

I'm thinking of turning Brent's
old room into a sewing room.

Hah, you and your
crazy schemes.

What's this?

I'm startin' my own business,
selling cookies door to door.

Outstanding. Are we rich yet?

What's wrong with selling
cookies door to door?

Well, nothing, if you're
a ten-year-old girl.

You could get cookies from
other places than little girls.

That's a stereotype.

Where did you get these?

From a supplier.

These are good.
You got any more?

Boxes and boxes.

Let's talk bulk deal.

...called Molly or Katie
or somethin' like that.

It's a buck twenty-five.

What, did ya mug
a UNICEF kid?

What? It's money.

It's legal tender.

So, nice weather, huh?

That's fer dang sure.

Yep, that sky's as clear
as a belch in church.

Ya got that right.

And them clouds are as puffy
as I've ever seen

low-level alto
cumulus formations.

And they're as white
as nun's caboose.

Good one.

Ah, see ya.

Ya come on back
now, ya hear?

You're layin' it on a little
thick, aren't ya, Wanda?

Or is it Wanda-May now?

Wanda-Jo Bob?

Whatever works, Goober.

And at least people
are listening.

And by people,
I mean folk.

And if they ever start
shootin' Hee-Haw again,

you're a shoe in.

Nun's caboose?

Yeah, I'm not proud
of that one.

Oh, hey, Oscar, what's up?

How many cookies ya want?

Pardon?

I'm sellin' cookies.

You mean like
a little girl?

What is it with you people?
Broaden your horizons.

Buy cookies from someone other
than a little girl for once,
ya jackass.

No, thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the problem?

You mean besides you
calling me a jackass?

Hey, nothin' takes away
the sting of a nasty insult

like the taste of
a sweet crunchy cookie.

Jackass!

If I want macaroodles, why
can't I order macaroodles?

It's a mind boggling
affront to justice.

That might be
overstating it a ton.

It's the biggest slap
in the face I ever had.

Except when that big guy
slapped me in the face.

At least it didn't
come out of nowhere.

Hi.

That came out of nowhere.

Would you like to sponsor
me in a walkathon?

A walkathon, eh?

Yeah, I suppose
I can do that.

Oh, you're not gettin'
dime one outta me

until you can show me
the proper paperwork.
What?

Are you short of cash
or somethin'?

Soliciting.

The kid wants to peddle
his wares on the street

like a common whatever,
he needs a proper licence.

Shameful, makin' a kid cry
'cause you're too cheap.

I'm not crying.

That's okay, kid.

The mean lady won't
bother you anymore.

Hey, buddy. Hey.

Hey, I had a Kung Fu Johnny
t- shirt like that

when I was in grade five.
Yeah.

But I tore the sleeve on
the monkey bars, remember?
Yeah.

Then your mom fixed the rip
on her sewing machine.
I don't remember that.

No, I mean just now.
She just fixed it, see?

That's my old
Kung Fu Johnny t-shirt?

I can't believe she gave you
my Kung Fu Johnny t-shirt.

Not just the shirt. She gave me
all kinds of your old stuff.

Well, this is upsetting.
Don't worry, I washed it.

I mean it's upsetting
I was the size you are now

when I was in grade five.
Oh.

Hey, there. What can
I get for you today?

A bowl of macaroodles, please.

All right, one bowl of
macaroodles comin' right up.

And what would you
like to drink?

What do I want to drink?

Coffee.

I'll just snuggle the milk
right up beside the ice cream

so it stays as frosty as
a penguin's privates.

Great, thanks.

Hey, do you know how far
it is to Crowley Lake?

Just head north.

You'll be there faster
than a frog can squat.

I hear it's bear country.

Should I be worried
about bears up there?

Ach. A bear's no different
than a man,

a scowls and growls till you rub
the hair on their belly.

Oh, that's my
husband for sure.

Well, thanks
for your help.

Weren't nothin', stranger.

You've given Hank my

my ghost gun, my balloon
cannon,
my super slider snow skates.

Stop living in the past.

There.

Now are the cuffs too big?

Were cuffs ever this big?

I gotta be honest, Ma,
this whole outfit is a bit much.

I'm trying out
some new patterns.

Well, new when I got
the machine.

Don't get me wrong. If I
was a bionic super agent,
I would go for this.

You wanna be bionic?

I can break your legs
and poke your eye out.

The cuffs look good.

Okay.

Hop down, now.

You don't think people around
here are tired of pickled eggs?

I hear people talk, ya know?

Cookies and beer?
I don't think that goes.

Ah, this looks shifty.
Make him buy my cookies.

I don't think so.

Some help you are.
Is that gun just for show?

We're not authorized
to use lethal force in
cookie related situations.

Hey, you should buy
a couple a boxes.

I hear they go
good with beer.

Me? Well, I, uh...

Do you have a licence
to peddle those?

A license.

I'm just trying to make
a couple a bucks on the side.

How much money are
we talkin', here.

Care to buy some cookies?

I've done some thinking.

And we shouldn't be
fighting over this.

It's crazy to let this
come between us.

I'll have some macaroodles.

Strike five.

This has got to be some
kinda oldism or ageism

or some kinda ism.

It's common sense.

It's a commonism,
a sensiblism.

Wanda, is this
come kind ism?

Oh, isms are as prickly
as a porcupine's pyjamas.

You got that right.

All units, the search party
will continue south

into the valley.

Search party?
What's that about?

Just keepin' tabs
on a situation.

It seems a family went
missing from their camper van.

Oh.

And we're a little concerned,
because it's bear country.

What?

Some people don't know
the proper things to do

if they encounter a bear.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no. Oh, no.

Did you know them?

I think I told the mom
to rub the bear's belly.

What?

I was being all colloquial.

I didn't think she'd
take me literally.

Okay. Listen,
don't worry about it.

This is like those kids from
the Blair Witch Project.

At first you think
they're in trouble

and then in the end
they're okay.

They die in that.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, this folksy crap
should not be taken lightly.

It's as dangerous as a
badger in a rain barrel!

Damn it! I can't stop!

And although it may have
sounded charming at the time,

I want to stress
that democracy is important.

Politics is nothing at all
like the mud on a hog's bottom.

Understood?

Great.

Now Hank has
my micronauts.

Oh, they should have all
been gone years ago.

I did ya a favour.

Some favour. Thanks a lot.

And I finished
fixing your pants.

Oh. Well, that is a favour.
So thanks a lot.

Oh, you-you put actual
patches on them.

That's what you
wanted, isn't it?

You said, "Patch my pants. "

Yeah, I guess.
I- I guess I kinda just meant

stitch the two sides
of the rip together. But...

Don't you like them?

No, no. Uh, they're good.

I'm just surprised, is all.

But giant psychedelic flowers
are, you know, groovy.

Cookies with beer
tastes terrible.

I don't know what Phil
was talkin' about.

Not a bad haul for
two hours work.

This will get me through
the rest of the week.
Hmm?

This plus all the
money I had before

we started selling cookies.

You were incredible.

You sold three boxes
to the guy I called jackass.

You know, I was gonna
give you ten percent.

But after that, I've
decided to give you fifteen.

Aw, that's sweet.

I want sixty.

Are you kidding?
I was carrying you out there.

Sixty, or I bust you for
not having a licence.

She's serious
about that stuff.

Should you be in here?

You got loads of cool stuff.

I used to. You took it all.

I had a disco sun visor
when I was a little girl.

Yeah. Well, boys wore them too.

I used mine for rock fights,
to keep the sun out of my eyes

when I was throwing rocks,
in battle.
Mm.

Your stuff was just
rottin' away up there.

Your light sabre doesn't
want to be in a drawer.

It needs to be out,
sabring light.

That's actually
a light sword.

I couldn't afford the officially
licenced sabre version.

At least your stuff's
gettin' some use now.

Yeah, but you're using it
all wrong.

Light sword,
disco sun visor, together.

Who are ya, Darth Abba?

You shouldn't be
playing with that stuff.

Isn't that junk worth a
lot in the collectors
market these days?

What the heck was that?

Oh, the cash
register's busted.

It keeps poppin'
open like that.

I mean don't get me wrong.

The folksy thing is fun.

But it can't take the place
of real solid advice.

Anyway, I'm sorry about
the nun's caboose thing.

All right, all right!

You drive a hard bargain.

Sixteen percent it is.

Sixty, Oscar, six-zero.

That's almost
twice as much.

What do you need the
money for, anyway?

Okay, you want to
know the truth?

I had my purse stolen.

So what's the big deal?

I'm an officer of the law.

Having my purse stolen
is embarrassing.

I hear ya.

Davis doesn't know
anything about this?

No.

Ten percent, or
I tell Davis.

I don't see anything of
any real value here.

Are you kidding?

I've got a ghost gun,
balloon cannon, light sabre.

Light sword.

Oh, he's good.

Whoa, hold the phone.
What's this?

Ah, yes, G.I. Joe.

I thought it was G.I. Josh.

He went through
the same training.

No, behind that,

the sewing machine.

The Schlemmer 3400.

They haven't made those
since the '60s.

Is it worth anything?

I could offer you
800 bucks for it.

That's funny, mine
does the same thing.

Thanks, again.
Thank you so much.

Is that the guy that
stole your purse?

You're lettin'
him get away.

That's the guy who found my
purse. It turns out I lost it.

A lost purse.
You'll never live that down.

Yeah.

So about that cookie thing,
I want sixty percent.

Sixty percent?

We had a deal.

You blackmailed me.
Exactly. We had a deal.

Why do you need the money?
You got your purse back.
I'm greedy.

Listen, I've got
people to answer to.

I want my money, Leroy.

Sorry.

My purse isn't stolen anymore,
so you got nothin' on me.

Fine.

Hello, again.

You're alive!

I've been worried
sick about you guys!

I thought you were
eaten by bears.

No. No, we're-we're fine.

Okay.

Before you go, bears
are nothing like men.

They don't want their
tummies rubbed.

Well, maybe they do, but not
by strangers, unlike men.

I'm not being very clear.

Ursus horribilus is a
killer when provoked.

Don't agitate its
abdominal area.

I liked you better when
you were a hillbilly.

Did you find a buyer
for your junk?

The guy wasn't interested.

That's going to be
my sewing room, and that's it.

He'll give you 800 bucks
for your machine.

I'm done with sewing.

Pack it up, if they
want that old thing.

Don't worry, they can
rebuild it,

better... stronger... faster.

A grown man,
acting like a kid.

Pathetic.

I want a raise
in my allowance.

We'll talk.

If it's Molly, I'm not here.

Please can I have
some macaroodles?

Please, please, please,
pleee-aaaase!

All right.

I am tired of the whining.

All right!

So if I eat this pasta, you'll
bring me some macaroodles?

Davis, those are macaroodles,

macaroni noodles. Macaroodles.

Oh.

What did you
think they were?

Macaroons, lots
of them... oodles.

Aah.

Hey, can I order
something else?

Well...

Mmm, cottage cheese and peaches,
that sounds good.

That's for seniors, jackass.