All language subtitles for Corner Gas - 4x09 - Outside Joke

Oh, they're here! They're here!

Oh, man, I'm as
giddy as a...

Ninny?

No.

Boob?

Not quite. More than ninny,
less than boob.

Why are you so jacked up
over a batch

of windshield washer fluid?

Maybe this will
answer your question?

Aaah.

Nope.

Well, it's red.
The old stuff was blue.

We used to sell blue,
now we're selling red.

Wow.

I hope we don't get
trampled in the rush.

* You can tell me that
your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it
took three days *

* I've heard every joke,
I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's
not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby,
you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can
stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot
goin' on *

Hey. Check this out.

I can see my house
from outer space.

Cool, huh?

Fitzy got us an
onboard computer.

It-it's like in Knight Rider,
where Kit had that computer.

Kit was the computer.

No. Kit was the car.

Kit was the car
and the computer.

How can a car
be a computer?

It even comes with a GPS, that's
Global Positioning System.
Cool.

Are we still third
from the sun?

No.

Well, I mean yes.

But this tells us where
we are on the globe.

See?

We're at Corner Gas.

That's a heck of a rig.

I was sure Kit was the guy.

No, the guy was
Knight Rider.

Hang on. This is weird.

The town line is here,

and Corner Gas is over here.

What?

The gas station isn't
actually in Dog River.

Ah, you're right.

The guy's name was
Michael Knight.

See?

This was supposed to be
picked up yesterday.

The garbage
truck's broken.

Until it gets fixed,

everyone's gonna have to live
with some garbage.

Oh, this stinks, Fitzy.

This literally stinks.

What am I supposed to do?
I- I'm just the mayor.

I'll take your garbage.

Hank, you don't
have to do that.

Come on in.
I'll give you some food.

I think he means
he'll take the job.

Huh? Oh.

Of course.

How much would you charge?

Charge?

Oh, charge. Yeah.

Uh...

a thousand bucks.

I have twenty dollars.

Twenty-five.

Done.

What a rube, uh?

That's exactly what
I was thinking.

Stupid bank.

Are they still
calling me Omar?

Yes.

But you'll be glad to know
the bank made a mistake

and owes money to Omar
and his wife Elna.

Who's Elna?

Some idiot who shouldn't
have married Omar.

Actually, it's good news.

We get a credit
of over 300 bucks.

You mean like a bank
error in our favour?
Yeah.

Maybe next month you'll
win a beauty contest

and collect fifty dollars.

Yeah. Who knows?

So The Ruby's in Dog River,
but Corner Gas isn't?

Computers don't lie.

We're in Dog River now, but if
we went through those doors,

God knows where we'd be.

You'd be in the can.

It's a door to the bathroom, not
a vortex to another dimension.

Yeah. Well, it's a vortex to
outside the town border.

Hey, check this out.

Here comes Fitzy.
This is gonna be great.

What will be great?

I played a practical
joke on him.

Somebody slashed
the tires on my car.

You slashed his tires?

Pretty good gag, uh?

Did they move
the town border?

And why would they do that?

I don't know, taxes.
Tax reasons, probably.

It wouldn't surprise me
if it was taxes. Typical.

You're probably right.

Stupid government.

Things are hummin'
along and they throw a
wrench into the mix.

Exactly.

Then there's a bunch of
paperwork and extra costs.

Sing it, sister. Wait.
Extra costs?

Yeah. Like my per diem.

Your what?
You know?

Provincial Labour Code.

I'm what they call a
non-regional employee now,

so you have to pay me
a per diem.

Get out of town.

I am out of town.

So you're supposed to pay me
an extra $20 every working day.

What? That's ridiculous.

You've been workin'
here for years.

I know.

And technically you're
supposed to back date it

and pay me for the
previous years too.

Forget that noise.

I'm startin' your per diem
as of today, and that's it.

Stupid government.

So how's the garbage man?

It's not garbage man.
That's insulting.

Uh, we prefer the term
janitorial...

I mean custodial worker,
civic custodial worker...

engineer... technician.

That does have a
nice ring to it.

Yeah.

You can tell a lot about people
when you collect their garbage,

especially if you take time to
rifle through it a little bit.

People just think
of it as garbage.

But, really, it's like a wet
sticky bag of half rotten clues.

Oh, that is lovely.

Take Bill Watrous, for example.

That's guy's got
commitment issues.

Because he throws
away garbage?

Bag after bag of
microwave popcorn.

Can't commit to the time
or effort it takes to
pop it the real way.

Just wham, bam,
thank you, Orville.

I use microwave popcorn.

Big surprise.

Slashing someone's tires
is not a practical joke.

It's serious,
and impractical.

You pulled an
impractical serious.

My jokes are
just too complex.

You don't get 'em.

Complex?

Like last April Fools?

What the hell?

April Fools!

That was a good one.

Look, let me explain
how this works.

Practical jokes involve planning
and layering and subtle...

Gotcha!

This is going to take more
explaining than I thought.

What are you doing?

Shredding our
bank records.

Well, we're not exactly
a major corporation.

Hank's goin' through
everyone's garbage.

If he finds out we have
that extra 300 bucks,
he'll be all over us.

Oh, cut them
vertically too.

There. Now Garbage Boy won't
know how much money we got.

Hey, Brent.
Your parents are loaded.

Check out what I found
in their garbage.

You don't throw away a
hat this nice unless
you got some serious coin.

Or fashion sense.

Yeah.

You've bought a lot of stupid
things, but I have to say,

these are pretty cool.

Hey, Lacey, you should
check them out.

They make faraway things
look close up.

I'm not falling for that.

For what?

Davis and his practical jokes.

I try this, I get big
rings around my eyes.

And then he throws
somethin' at me.

Hello, The Ruby.

Hello?

Oh, I hate it
when that happens.

Nice face, Lacey.

Thank you.

What?

Oh.

Oh, okay, Davis,
you got me.

Well, I am the master
of the practical joke.

That was my joke.

Oh, come on, Karen,
let Davis have his due.

You like the way I misled
you with the binoculars?

That was pretty smooth.

Smooth because of me.

Hey.

What's in the bag?

A piano. As if.

You don't want to tell me,
you don't have to.
I know.

Is it something exotic?
Watch your mouth.

I said exotic.
And I said watch your mouth.

Why would it be
something exotic?
Oh, uh, no reason.

I just thought, um, if
money were no object.

What? What about our money?
He knows about the money.

He does now, poker face.

You don't have to be
embarrassed about your wealth.

I could be rich.
I choose not to be.

Good choice.
And we're not rich.

Don't worry, your
secret's safe with me.

How's Mr. and Mrs. Trump today?

That could mean anything.

I heard you got punked.

Yeah, Davis pulled
a good one.

It was my joke.

Hey, you want some lunch?

I'd love some lunch.
I just can't afford it.

Oh, come on.
The special's only 4.99.

That's like 8.99
more than I have.

These new employee
regulations are killing me.

You'll just have to juggle
the budget a bit,

maybe spend less on advertising.

Advertising? Why? I should take
this patch off my shirt?

In business there are
only two choices:

lower your expenses or
increase your revenue.

You're completely
overlooking bankruptcy

and insurance fraud.

What's the deal with the red
windshield washer fluid?

Look, in business
you have two choices...

And where's the
dill pickle chips?

Here in Dog River we
like dill pickle chips.

Here in Dog River?

I was born in Dog River.

I was eatin' dill pickle chips
when I was two months old.

Brent. Don't yell.

We don't care for that
boisterous behaviour,

here in Dog River.

Hey, I was thinkin' we should
pull off another practical joke.

Well, let me know how it goes.

What? You can't bail now.

We're partners.

You're the ideas
and I'm the... partner.

Yeah. Take all the credit and
leave me twisting in the wind

like a... like a...

Hey, we should pull a gag
on Phil at the bar.

I want to say pinwheel,
but that doesn't really twist.

We could rub dog poop
on the door handle,

so when he opens it, his hand
will be covered in dog poop.

From slashing tires to dog poop.
You've come a long way.

Ya think?
No.

Does a kite twist
in the wind?

What the hell is this?

It's windshield
washer fluid.

It's the same as the blue
stuff, it's just red.

Why's it so cheap?
Does it work?

I can't believe you'd
sell somethin' that
doesn't even work.

I'm not gonna sell something
that doesn't work.

You sold me that stupid
fishing reel that didn't work.

I gave you your
money back, didn't I?

No.

Stay on topic. This is about
the washer fluid.

I don't trust it.
Why is it red?

I don't know.
Maybe it's cinnamon.

It's less expensive.

Since you moved the gas station
out of town, you think you can
do whatever you want.

I don't even know you anymore.

I'll miss you.

You try and help
some people.

I know.

It's almost like they want you
to take advantage of them.

Oh.

What's this?

It's the receipt for
my lunch at The Ruby.

You know, Labour Code.

Employer must pay for a minimum
of three lunches per week.

Or maybe it's four.
I should look it up.

No. No, no, I-I'm pretty sure
it's three.

I shouldn't have to
pay for two desserts.

I shouldn't have to choose
between two desserts.

Stupid government.

Lacey, you gotta
do somethin'.

About what?

Brent, and this
devil juice.

It's not actual
devil juice.

It's not cinnamon,
that's for sure.

It wasn't even minty.

Oh. Is this about the
windshield washer fluid?

You guys really have to
roll with things better.

It's no surprise, really.

Who knows what he gets up to
way out there in the boonies.

Lacey, you run a
business here in town.

You know how things work.
Talk to him.

Well, that might
be a little... wait.

You think I'm one of you?

Plus you're emotionally
closer to him than we are.

He's your only child.
You've raised him since birth.

Exactly. I'm done.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt
to have a friendly little

chin wag with him, make him
see our point of view.

You're the crazy outsider
with the hare-brained ideas

and I am the trusted local
with all the common sense.

Huh? In your face!
How do you like it?

Oh, yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

That's not cool.

Hey, are you gonna
take my garbage?

Aw, sorry, bud,
you're not in town.

I only pick up for locals.
Common sense.

Hey, Karen, we heard about
the practical joke on Lacey.

I wish I coulda seen
Davis pull that one off.

Well, it was my idea.

Well, yeah, I'm sure
you helped out.

I didn't help.

I came up with the whole thing.
I created it.

I wrote and produced
the entire joke.

Yeah, okay.

Don't you remember the one
I pulled on Wanda last year?

Aaach!

Who the heck put
sardines in my car?

Karen?

You got somethin'
on your shirt.

What?

You better hope
your gun is loaded.

Whipped cream in
the face, brilliant.

Where does he come up
with that stuff.

From someone in preschool?

And the beating Wanda gave him
after was pretty funny too.

Those aren't practical jokes.

Geez, this wiper
fluid's expensive.

Yeah? Well, the people around
here are nuts for it.

It Pit Creek it's like
two bucks cheaper.

It's red, but
we deal with it.

Oh, you're from Pit Creek.

Hey, uh, we're in the
same municipality.

We should have a parade.

I'm just sayin'.

And I'm just leavin'.

Oh, hey, before you go,
answer me this.

When you work outside of
your region, how much
per diem do you get paid?

Per diem?
Who am I, Van Halen?

I don't know
all the rules.

The gal who works for
me just tells me how
much I have to pay her.

When you said that just now,
did it sound stupid to you?

Kind of.

You've been very helpful.

Okay, we're gonna do
another practical joke.

But this time you're not gonna
leave me twisting in the wind

like a...

By now you'd think I
would've thought of something.

Are we gonna put dog poop
on Phil's door?

No, cooking oil.

Cooking oil and dog poop?

Just cooking oil.

It makes the doorknob slippery
so he can't open it.

Maybe I'll bring some
dog poop just in case.

I just want him to stop
going through our garbage.

So, I suppose if
I were the mailman,

you wouldn't want me going
through your mail either?

Have you been
reading our mail?

Only the stuff you throw out

or the stuff I think
you're gonna throw out. Yes.

Look, I don't
like it either.

But the garbage truck's
transmission is shot.

So pay to have it fixed.

Rich people like you
always think it's just

a matter of throwing
money at the problem.

We're not rich!

Musta heard about
the blue hat.

Oh, this is great.

Hangin' out with
my fellow locals.

You feeling all right?

Oh, yeah.

Very at home, as anyone would,
who's from around here.

Check this out.

Hey, Phil,

can you open the door?
It's a bit stuffy in here.

You bet.

Good joke, Davis.
Another classic.

And just for the record,
this is my joke.

I thought of it. It's mine.

Hey, what's on the door?

I know. It's slippery, right?

It's-it's burning.

Is this canola oil?
I'm allergic to canola oil.

Mine and Davis's idea.

Karen, how could you?

You see, Davis
and I are a team.

Way to ruin Davis's joke.

That is not how we locals
do things here in Dog River.

New speakers for your car?

Labour Code 174,
Subsection b.

"No employer shall make
an employee from another

municipality drive to work
listening to a crappy stereo. "

It's under Car Allowance.

Stupid government.

Hey, who would you hire
between these two?

Aahhk.

Shaffon?

Anyone with that name's
gonna be high maintenance.

And this one... Wait.
We're hiring?

Well, I am.

I mean obviously I have
to replace you.

Stupid rules.

If you only have one employee,

that employee has to be
from the region.

It's Labour Code, you know,
Section 1999,

paragraph 11 through 14,
subchapter k.

Oh, yeah, that one.

Yeah, it's a shame, too. You
and I have had some good times.

I can't think of an
example right now.

But drop by for a coffee if
you're ever out this way.

You know, travel allowance,
speakers,

they're more of a guide.

I do believe per diem is
actually Latin for "suggestion. "

They're, uh, they're
not written in stone.

They're not written
in here either.

Oh.

So you can read.

Right. Well, I've got
some speakers to return.

Boy, all this readin' can
sure make a fella hungry.

Would you like me to pick you
something up from The Ruby?

Oh, are you buying?

Stupid government.

How was I supposed to know Phil
was allergic to canola?

And if you're allergic to
canola, get outta Saskatchewan.

I wanted to use dog poop.

That woulda been funny.

Here's your change, guys.

His hands seem okay.

Almost like he's not
allergic at all.

July Fools!

Gotcha!

What are you
talking about?

This whole thing was a joke,
just to get you.

Yeah, and he got you good.

What? The-the Phil gag?
Uh-huh.

And the phone trick?
Oh, yeah.

Even Fitzy's tires.

You got your tires
slashed for a joke?

Or did I?

It was actually an
elaborate illusion.

Here's how we
pulled it off.

Hey, go in there and say
your tires are slashed.

Okay.

Okay, maybe not elaborate.

But it worked.

Oh, ho, ho, yeah.

Geez, Lacey, your garbage
at home's way more interesting.

Well, thank you.
But you can leave that.

Oh, well.

I couldn't call myself
a sanitorial janitation
technologist if I did.

Actually, Hank, your services
will no longer be required.

What?

You can't do this.

This is who I am.

When people think of trash,
they think of me.

And I don't think
that's gonna change.

It's nice of you
to say, but...

Sorry, Hank.

I fought for ya, but people
raised some legitimate concerns.

We'll give ya a hundred
bucks to fire Hank.

Two hundred.

Two fifty.
And that's our final offer.

Done.

Let me just say, on behalf
of the town, we appreciate

rich people like yourself
throwing money at the problem.

I woulda gone
as high as 300.

Tell it to the bank, Omar.

So that's what my house
looks like from outer space.

It kinda makes you think
how tiny and fragile life is

here on Spaceship Earth.

No, it just looks
browner than I thought.

Show me The Ruby.

Okay.

There's Dog River.
There's the border.

Now we zoom out.

That's weird.

Now all of Dog River's
outside of Dog River.

Ah, that doesn't make sense.
That line didn't move.

Is that a crack?

No. It's a line.

Caused by a tiny separation
in the glass

following some kind of impact.

So all this was caused
by a lousy crack?

I know.

Can you believe Davis
put us through all this?

In particular me
through all this.

Well, don't worry.

I've got a plan
to get him back.