Original subtitles

Great news.

My friend from college is coming to Dog River.

I didn't know you went to college.

No big deal. Everyone goes to college.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I did. But I don't go around braggin' about it.

I thought just you and I were talking.

Anyway...

So your friend is coming?

Yeah, Connie. We had some great times,

you know the kind you only have in college.

Well, you'd know if you went.

Right, Wanda?

I went there to learn, not to socialize.

And that's coming across.

Gee, I hope you didn't think I was bragging about college.

No, I didn't.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

Ah, don't pay any attention to them.

Now, could I get a refill there, professor?

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say

You think there's not a lot goin' on

Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong

And that's why you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot goin' on

Connie, you made it.

You look great.

It's so good to see you. I didn't even recognize you.

Thanks.

Let me take youOkay. back to my place.

Oh. Uh, this is Davis and this is Karen.

I'll just tell my cook to watch the restaurant.

Hi, there.

Well, aren't you a hefty fellah.

Huh?

I thought Chipswas cancelled, Ponch.

Okay. Let's go.

Anyway, nice to meet you. See you guys.

Was she just rude to me?

Oh, don't feel bad.

Ponch was everybody's favourite.

How much for the milk?

Two twenty-five.

Rip off.

This used to be my place. I should get a discount.

For you, two and a quarter. Wait a minute.

Make a decision. That milk expires in 20 minutes.

What's to stop me from buying this at the Co-op?

You were barred from the Co-op two years ago.

So unless you have a bucket and a stool, you're payin' for milk.

Oh, you'd also need a cow.

This place needs a loyalty rewards program.

All the good places have them.

You didn't have one when you owned the place.

Always lookin' back, livin' in the past.

When I ran this place, we looked forward.

Okay, okay. I'm giving you

a brand new Corner Gas customer discount card.

But this is just a scrap of paper.

A true reflection of how we value you as a customer.

That's better.

Oh, that milk costs two twenty... ah, forget it.

Hey, can I get a card?

What are you doin'?

I'm looking up my friend on the Internet.

She's doin' undercover.

Ooo. I don't know that site.

Undercover Police Officer, that's what I wanted to do.

You could never do undercover.

You have to be able to act.

I act like I get along with you, don't I?

You know what I hate?

When people say, "You know what I hate"?

No. But that is annoying.

I hate when somebody makes an honest mistake

and then says that they lied.

I don't follow ya. Ask me what day it is.

What day is it?

Friday.

No, wait. I lied. It's Thursday.

See, that kinda thing.

Except today is Friday.

If you knew, why did ya ask?

Hi, guys.

Brent, Hank, this is my friend, Connie.

Hey, there. Hi, Connie.

Brent owns the gas station.

Well, no surprises there.

I'm gonna go wash my hands.

It's really nice meeting you.

See you guys.

Did you find that rude?

No.

Okay, wait. I lied.

Yes, I did.

You're right. That is annoying.

Hey, Wanda, are my hands dirty?

Well, we're none of us innocent.

No, I-I mean literally are they dirty?

Oh.

As far as gas jockeys go, no.

What about other kinds of jockeys?

Compared to disc, yes. Compared to horse, no.

Horses don't have hands.

Touch?

I should tell you, I started a customer rewards card.

Don't worry, you won't have to do any work.

Don't worry, I won't.

A customer rewards card. Good idea. Creates goodwill.

We don't need goodwill.

You only need goodwill if you have competition.

Relax. It'll be easy.

Can I have one? No.

But I'm a regular. No.

I'm here all the time. No.

See how easy it is?

Brent?

This is startin' to feel like work.

Give him a card.

Okay.

But this only works if you start payin' for stuff.

I'll cherish this forever.

Thank you.

There's no way I'm dirtier than a disc jockey.

I lost my card. Can I get another one?

Hey, Lacey.

I heard you were going around braggin' about

how you went to college.

Well, just so you know, I have a Master's in History.

That's great.

A couple of red wines?

Thanks.

Did I mention I was engaged?

Oh, congratulations.

You found somebody you love.

No, I'm just engaged.

Oh.

Would you be my maid of honour?

Oh, would be honoured.

I thought you would ask Sally.

I know.

I was Sally's maid of honour when she married Bill.

Oh, that's right.

But now I'm marrying Bill.

Oh.

Well, uh-well, I-I-I have been out of the loop.

Hey, Brent. I hear you guys are giving away loyalty cards.

How did you hear about that?

Look what I have, Paul.

Do you have one? Huh? Huh?

It's a pilot project. I don't have much to do with it.

How about a rye and water on the house?

Sounds good, Prestige Customer. Tell Wanda I said it was okay.

Hey, hey, anytime there, Barkeep.

You want another round?

Well, give the man a prize.

And I had you sized up for an ignorant bumpkin.

Hmm.

I'm gonna go sit somewhere else.

Oh, isn't she great?

Brent, isn't she great?

Well, she-she's, um...

hey, look, pickled eggs.

Emma.

Can I ask you for some advice?

Can't you ask your own mother?

You know she's gone on to a better place.

They have phones in Saskatoon.

Should we tell someone if someone's friend's

being rude to someone?

What are you talking about?

Would you want to know if someone close to you

was being rude to everyone?

Oh. This is about Oscar.

No, no, no, no. Listen.

Hey, Brent.

If everyone thought one of your friends was a big jerk,

wouldn't you want to know about it?

Oh, that reminds me. I need to talk to you about Hank.

I'd like to see you go up against Connie.

You're two peas in a pod.

Geez, that would be good. Battle of the Rude.

Are you saying I'm rude?

You didn't let me finish. The Rude versus the Witty.

You're witty, with a slightly abrasive edge,

that we all love.

In a pod.

Hey, Mom. What do you think of this Connie thing?

I'm not gonna gossip. It just makes people miserable.

So I hear you have some kinda new card?

Ah-ha. But isn't that gossip?

If you don't give me one, I'll make you miserable.

Well,

I guess if anybody deserves a card, it's the boss's mom.

I'll have my associate Wanda hook you up.

Are your hands always this dirty?

That was rude of you to disrespect me.

I didn't disrespect you.

You said I couldn't do undercover work.

Oh. So now being honest is being rude?

I could do undercover work.

I know you could.

It's just that you'd be really bad at it, that's all.

Hey, Karen.

Can I talk to you, or are you in the middle of

some kind of undercover operation?

You told Oscar?

It-it just came up in casual conversation.

Hey, Oscar.

Karen thinks she would be good at undercover work.

Isn't that funny?

That is funny.

But have you seen this?

So, is this the same card Oscar got?

Yeah, totally equal.

It should be better, shouldn't it?

Well, it's-it's just that if you give Oscar and me

the same card, you make us out to be the same.

I thought you would be above this.

Emma with two M's.

Hey, Brent. Hey, guys.

Anything, uh, new at the station?

Nah, not really.

Nothing?

Nothing different?

Uh, no.

Really?

Nothing new at all?

Oh, the card. Do you want a card?

Well, if you think we deserve them, sure.

Absolutely.

From now on, you guys are Elite members.

Just Elite?

Gold Elite.

Tell Wanda I said make it happen.

Hey, Karen.

I heard what Davis was saying, and I want you to know,

I think you'd be great at undercover work.

Uh... thanks?

I mean you're so emotionless and cold,

you'd be perfect.

Thanks.

In fact, you have such a flat personality,

you could easily slip into other people's skin.

Appreciate that.

The way you drift in and out of people's lives

without leaving any permanent roots,

you'd make a perfect undercover agent.

Why all the compliments?

I need you to help me show Lacey that her friend is rude.

Lacey wouldn't listen to me.

No, she wouldn't. That's why I need you to wear a wire.

Talk to Connie and get her on tape being rude.

Then Lacey would have to believe it.

Plus, you could prove to Davis that you can do undercover work.

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

But this does give me an idea.

Wait here.

Well, hey, tell me the idea.

I leave and I don't help you.

How come Hank and Paul have the same level of card that I do?

Oh, they're Prestige.

You're Senior Prestige.

I let you backdate your insurance that time

you drove your car...

Okay, okay.

You're Platinum.

I'll just need to access your file to input

the necessary changes.

Pla-ti-num.

Congratulations.

Cool.

Platinum now?

I slipped it in between Gold Elite and VIP Titanium.

You have got to stop handing out new cards.

You said I wouldn't have to do any work.

How is not handing out cards doing any work?

I don't know.

It smells like work.

How come Wes is Platinum and not me?

Hey, pass me the ketchup, will ya?

What, are ya deaf? Pass me the ketchup.

Please, just leave me alone.

What? I just want the ketchup.

Help, Police.

What is it?

That man is bothering me.

What man?

She means me, Jackass.

I just asked her for ketchup.

Did you say please?

Okay, I want to help the crazy homeless

as much as the next guy, but that man is harassing me.

I'm not homeless.

Please, just stay away from me.

Arrest him or something.

I'm sorry, Ma'am, there's nothing I can do.

Do you mean legally or physically?

Because I bet if he were a piece of ham,

you'd go right after him.

What ham?

You are the worst police officer I have ever met.

You're incompetent and lazy.

Lazy?

Hi.

You must be Connie.

What a friendly little town.

Everyone keeps talking to me.

Hi. My name's Em... It doesn't matter.

Huh?

Let me get this straight.

Oscar is calling my friend rude?

She is. I saw it.

She wouldn't pass me ketchup because I'm homeless

and said I was bothering her.

Bothering someone.

Well, that doesn't sound like you.

She said I was lazy.

She called me a piece of ham.

Okay.

I have work to do.

I don't even like ham.

Pass me the ketchup.

Stop bothering me.

Lacey's friend is really rude.

Ah-ha, that is gossip. You do engage in gossip.

Yeah. And your point is?

Engage away.

Someone should tell Lacey.

Well, I'd feel weird doin' it.

I'll do it.

It would be awkward. Might hurt Lacey's feelings.

Let me do it.

It will require some sensitivity.

Mmmph. I want to do it.

Pick me, pick me! Ooo, ooo, ooof!

I think Horshack wants to do it.

You haven't even met Connie.

Still, I'd love to see Connie and Wanda go head to head.

Oh, I'd take care of her rudeness.

Yeah. Sometimes you have to fight fire with...

Wit. Fight fire with wit, is the old saying.

Look, I share a workspace with Lacey.

I think we all know who should do this.

I have to tell y you something about Connie.

Oh.

Can you believe that Oscar accused her of being rude?

His behaviour must just roll off you.

That's what I'm here about.

I don't think there's anything you can do.

You've been together so long you can't change him.

No, it's about your friend.

She's really rude and you seem blind to it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I-I see what's happening here.

This is classic transference.

You can't stand Oscar's rudeness,

so you're projecting it onto Connie.

No. You're embarrassed by Connie's rudeness

and you're transferring it onto Oscar.

Not transferring, projecting.

On Oscar?

To Connie.

Oh, wait. Who's transferring and who's projecting?

All I know is your friend's a bitch.

Hey, Davis. You got any wires?

Wires? Like telephone wires?

No, like undercover wires. I wanna wear one.

Oh, okay.

Now, you just tape this to your body under your clothes.

What kinda tape do you use?

I don't know. Maybe duct.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, you don't think I'm incompetent, do ya?

No. You're giving me this stuff, aren't ya?

That's very competent.

Thanks.

Hey, Connie. Remember me, Hank?

Uh, hi.

How are you liking Dog River?What?

I said how are you liking Dog River?

Look, I don't have any spare change.

Leave me alone, and take a bath.

Okay, Lacey, here's the proof.

What proof?

Listen.

Oh? Just hold on one second.

Just, uh, one second.

Sorry, just...

Okay, this-this is supposed to be your friend bein' rude.

You taped my friend?

Well, I would have if Davis gave me the right equipment.

Man, he's so incompetent.

Why would you do something like that?

Huh?

Well, because Karen wanted to go undercover.

So this was Karen's idea?

Yeah.

You know how emotionless and cold she is.

Real nice, Karen.

What?

I'm hearing rumours that there's another, better card.

Who told you?

A couple of people.

Look at this, Oscar, Plutonium.

Platypus.

Geranium.

Are you trying to say Platinum?

Whatever. Fork it over.

Actually, there's a new system now.

You're on the ground floor.

No more cards. We use points.

Points?

Yeah.

This bag of pretzels, for most people, a buck 25.

For you, 125 points.

Oh. I'm likin' points.

You want to buy this bag of pretzels?

You pay me $1.25, I give you 125 points.

It's like money.

Exactly, exactly like money.

But, uh... keep this under your hat.

It's pretty exclusive.

Mum's the word.

Put me down for a thousand.

Thanks for coming.

This is about Connie.

I don't need people who I thought were my friends

telling me that my other friend is rude.

She rude.

I know. That's why I don't need you to ll me.

You knew she was rude?

Of course. Connie's rude.

She has always been rude.

It makes things awkward sometimes, but I guess

I hang out with her because I feel sorry for her.

Youfeel sorry forme?

Connie... hi.

You're right, that is awkward.

Hey, Paul. How's my favourite Prestige customer?

Oh, no, I'm not using the card. I'm on the point system.

The what?

Oh, right. It's on the Q.T.

Here's my money. Thanks.

What was that about?

We lost the card system. We're on points now.

Oh.

I was just about to introduce a new Ultra Aluminum level.

I can still play the big wheel.

Instead of handing out cards, I'll hand out points.

Points are cash.

Oh. They're on their own.

So, I'm rude, and our entire relationship

is based on a foundation of lies and deceit?

It looks that way.

Are you still going to be my maid of honour?

Of course.

So...

is this your friend, Connie?

Yeah.

Oh, you two haven't met.

Nope.

But I've heard a few stories about her rudeness.

O- kay, Wanda, you don't have to do this.

Relax. This will only take a second.

Just stand back there with your lollipop pants

and let me take care of this.

Lollipop pants?

I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah.

I've never seen anyone wear a test pattern before.

Yeah, no kidding.

Say hi to the Partridge Family for me.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, well, I am full of wit.

Rhymes with wit.

It's nice to see you.

Wow. Is she always that rude?

Yeah.