Original subtitles

Lacey, I don't want to alarm you,

but I found a hair in my soup.

Why would that alarm me?

I know the health inspector doesn't get out here very often,

but that's no reason to let hygiene take a holiday.

This hair, is it long and black?

No. Good point.

It's probably the cook's hair.

Oh.

But Josh wears a hairnet back there.

Hmm. This is turning into quite the mystery.

Let's examine the evidence.

There's a hair in your soup,

there's one on your shoulder,

and several on the counter.

You're suggesting these are my hairs, aren't you?

I know Sherlock Holmes doesn't get out this way very often,

but that's no reason to let logic take a holiday.

He's not real, you know, Sherlock Holmes.

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say

You think there's not a lot goin' on

Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong

And that's why you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot goin' on

I'm going bald, Hank.

These things are like lemmings.

Lemmings go bald?

Lemmings follow each other off cliffs and jump to their deaths.

Just because they're goin' bald? That's a bit drastic.

This stinks. Like I don't have enough face east to west.

Now it's pushin' northward.

Maybe you could grow a beard and kinda bolster the south.

Don't worry about it.

You'll look good bald, look distinguished.

Really?

Hmm. Maybe that's a casting agent for a soap opera.

Yeah. Maybe they're from The Bald and the Beautiful.

You shouldn't do that, ya know?

Do what?

Make fun of Brent losin' his hair.

It hurts him. Hurts him?

Hank, he's crackin' jokes about it.

Those aren't jokes. Those are humorous cries for help.

I mean sure, on the outside he's all Clowny the Clown.

But on the inside, he's in pain.

He's like... Painy the Clown.

Painy the Clown?

Sorry, Painy. But you're the worst clown we've ever seen.

You're fired.

Ow! See, this is what I'm talkin' about.

Poor Florence Bickleigh.

Another soul pulled from the prairie landscape.

But now we get to buy her stuff.

Yeah. I love auctions.

Bids get bigger, friends become enemies.

It's a real adrenaline rush.

When this thing starts, I'm not moving a muscle.

They talk so fast, you can't understand them,

and every time you move, they say you bid on something.

That only happens in TV shows.

How did Florence die, anyway?

She died of a rare condition called "almost a hundred. "

Good old natural causes.

Very sad.

Not sellin' milk anymore?

It's a good idea. You'll sell more pop that way. Smart.

You've never given anything a second thought, have you?

The cooling unit in here is fried.

Oh. I'll fix it for you.

What's that gonna cost me?

I'll do it for free.

I mean the inevitable fire, what's that's gonna cost me.

I can fix small appliances.

Small appliances don't generally have a door.

This is a large appliance.

Look, I'll fix some of the smaller stuff around here.

If I do a good job, you let me fix the cooler.

Fix what? Nothin' else is broken.

That fan doesn't work, the radio doesn't work,

the clock doesn't work.

The gas bell doesn't work.

Geez, I've really let this place slide.

And it's not called a gas bell, Einstein.

What is it, then?

It's a bell hose, a bell ringer hose.

It's a-a ding hose, is what it's called, if you must know.

Hey, does this mean I can take all this milk home?

Moving on to item number three.

Yeesh. Would you call that tacky or icky?

It's just pain ugly.

Is it a lamp?

I think so, an elephant lamp.

What's it for, reading Peanuts?

That makes no sense.

Peanuts, the cartoon?

Charlie Brown?

Elephants eat peanuts?

It's a good joke.

He's going to start. Everyone freeze.

I'll tell you what, Hank. You can fix the small fan.

Really?

Thanks, Brent. You're a pal.

Yeah, I'm quite a guy.

Yes, you are. That's why I get so upset when other people

make jokes about you losing your hair.

Other people are makin' fun of my hair?

Not me. Just remember, Brent, when people point a finger

and laugh at you, three fingers are pointing back at them,

laughing at you.

Who's pointing and laughing?

See, I knew this bothered you.

I'm just curious. It doesn't bother me.

Do you sell combs?

Oh, you're hilarious.

Let's start the bidding for this rather unusual lamp at $20.

Ah, what the hell.

We have 20.

Do I hear 25?

What are you doing?

If only one person bids, there's no adrenaline.

Why are you bidding? You said it was tacky.

It is. I just have a thing for elephants.

This guy's lame. He doesn't even talk fast.

We have 25. Do I hear 30?

30.

You just bid against yourself.

I'm telling ya, it's a rush.

You heard Florence Bickleigh passed away?

Ah, she lived a full life.

What more can one ask for, health and happiness?

That's right. I got no complaints.

What the hell's this?

Something wrong?

This sandwich is half as big as it usually is.

The new plates are bigger than the old ones.

That makes the normal portion look smaller.

This plate looks normal, but my food looks abnormally small.

Emma, check your soup.

My soup level's fine, Mr. No Complaints.

Oscar, your big plate looks normal because

there's nothing normal next to it to make a comparison.

See?

When did you buy the small coffee cups?

Check this out.

I got it at the Bickleigh auction.

Old Lady Bickleigh had quite the collection of paper bags.

This piece is in original condition.

It's worth 1500 bucks.

Guess how much I paid for it. Come on, guess how much.

I'm gonna guess less than 1500 or you wouldn't be this excited.

bucks.

I would haveotten it for 35, but Karen yawned

and the auctioneer thought she made a bid.

What do you think?

I'll give ya five bucks to put it back in the bag.

It's a Roger Featherstone.

The value of this stuff went through the roof

after he went blind in 1903.

I think he made this one in 1904.

'Cause you and your nine Metallica t-shirts

know a lot about style?

What do you think?

I think it's my mom's.

What?

Just to be clear, you brought this here to brag, right?

I can't believe I almost went to 45 for that stupid lamp.

Good thing you stopped me. Friends help friends.

You gotta control your impulse spending.

I wish you woulda stopped me from buying this.

Ah, what are ya gonna do?

I think Mom lent that lamp to Florence like a decade ago.

This lamp?

Maybe I'm mistaking it for one of her other elephant lamps.

Well, maybe you're mixed up.

Maybe she had some kind of hippo lamp or brontosaurus lamp.

My elephant lamp.

Yeah, pretty ugly, huh?

Have you been listening? Not really, no.

Where did you get that?

Florence Bickleigh gave it to me, sold it to me.

How could she sell you my lamp?

Well, in Wanda's defence, Florence was dead at the time.

But it's my lamp.

But I paid 40 bucks for it.

For my lamp.

Okay, I'm outta here.

Whoa, whoa. You'd be a fool to go anywhere now.

You gotta stick around and see how this plays out.

How do I know this is your lamp?

Do you have a picture with you and the lamp together?

Yeah. I often take my lamps on vacation with me.

Well, maybe you left your lamp on a beach in Cancun,

because I don't have it; I have this lamp,

which I don't wanna part with, because I happen to love it.

Boy, Wanda, you were right when you said that lamp was ug-ly.

She didn't say it was ugly.

Thank you, Karen.

She said it was tacky and/or icky.

Thanks, again, Karen.

Hey, that wall looks a little bare.

You know what's hot this season? The sportsman look.

Is this about that stupid fish you bought?

Okay, Oscar, I'm only going to try and explain this once.

I have one small, full glass of cola

and one large, half glass of cola.

I ordered coffee.

Stay with me.

Which glass has more?

This one.

Aha! They're both the same. See?

See? The same as the other large glass.

It's an illusion.

Well, look at that.

How'd ya do it?

Do what?

Make all that cola disappear? Is this a trick glass?

There's no trick. It's the same amount of cola.

Has it got one of those secret bottoms?

Wait. There's somethin' under the counter, isn't there?

I'm gonna go get your coffee.

You better hope you didn't spill cola all over my shoes.

So you can't straighten this out for us?

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

That's not the law. That's just some old adage.

You got any newer adages?

Is that part of the finders keepers, losers weepers law?

So the lamp is mine.

You're the weeper.

I'm the finder keeper.

Oh. And, Wanda, that other thing we were talking about...

I'm not buying that stupid fish.

I wanted to apologize about crackin' those hair jokes.

I didn't know it bothered you.

Don't worry about it.

Apparently every person in town is taking shots at my head.

Well, don't let gossipy geese get your goat.

I'm gonna need a second with that one.

Some of the sexiest men in the world are bald.

Sean Connery,

Ed Harris, very sexy.

Andre Agassi.

Elmer Fudd is really cute.

Big drop off between three and four there.

What do you think, higher or lower?

How about outside?

Where's my hammer?

Oh, it's on my desk.

And since it's in my possession, nine-tenths of it is mine.

I think I'll round that up.

Two can play at this game. May I borrow your hammer?

No.

Oh. I'm sure there's a way two can play at this game.

Oh!

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya.

No, that's worse. Put it back down.

You know what? I was thinking about that lamp.

It's my elephant lamp.

Emma didn't know where it was for ten years

and suddenly she's concerned?

Well, tough tamales.

Did Emma put you up to this?

I was just going to say it reminds me of the circus.

Mask down, no talking.

You just have to make the most of what you have.

And I have some products at home

that would make your hair thicker and healthier.

Please let me help.

If I say yes, will you stop preening me?

I wasn't preening. I was primping.

Preening you do to yourself.

I've been preening?

Do you like magic?

Do I?

Not particularly, no.

Lacey does magic tricks. She's good.

She's like that Curt Henning.

Lacey, do a trick.

Okay, Oscar. Why not?

Watch this.

Don't take your eyes off the cup.

Yeah, amazing.

Hey, do you see any ketchup?

She made the ketchup disappear. I didn't even see it.

Oh, she's good.

Emma, the lamp's not here, if that's what you're looking for.

You spent your hard-earned money on that lamp.

You have a right to it.

That may be true. But I spent my hard-earned...

Oh.

It's very special.

It's been in my family for three generations.

I remember when I was a little girl,

sitting on my granny's knee.

She'd turn on the old elephant and read nursery rhymes to me

till I drifted off to sleep.

So it was your grandma's?

I was going to hand it down to Brent. But, hey, no big deal.

You enjoy that lamp, Wanda.

I'm just glad he's going to a good home.

It's not gonna work, ya know.

I refuse to feel any guilt.

How much is this candy?

Oh.

It's free for you, sweetheart. Take as much as you like.

I don't like this hairdo.

It's not a hairdo, Agnes.

My head smells like a mango.

I look like an idiot, who smells like a mango.

Brent, you look exactly the same,

except now you're acting like an idiot.

Sure, kick a bald guy when he's down.

Hey, Lacey.

Heya, Curley. Nice coif.

Coif?

That's worse than hairdo.

Oh, Brent.

What is that, a fish?

Yeah, I think so.

I'd take that off your hands for ya, 20 bucks.

Really?

Done.

Whoa, hey. Are you gonna owe me the 20 or...

What do you-what do you mean?

To take this to the dump.

I thought you were buying it?

Yeah, right.

Okay, so I'll be back later for that 20, then?

Do another trick.

Oscar, I have work to do.

Fine, be a stick in the mud.

What's your soup today? Cream of broccoli.

Why do you have to go and make cream out of everything?

You have perfectly good broccoli and you turn it...

Oh.

Oscar, look.

How did you get a quarter behind your ear?

Hah. That was great.

Now, can I get you somethin'?

Yeah. I'll have the soup.

Great. One soup comin' right up.

Yeah, it's mango, all right?

Have a nice day.

Do you know any good magic tricks?

Yeah, I can make my head smell like fruit.

I found out that magic tricks keep your dad from complaining.

Really?

Maybe I should use magic to distract people

from noticing my hair.

Your hair doesn't look any different.

Hey, Brent. I did...

Whoa. Is that a toupee?

Why don't you just throw it out?

It would be a waste.

This cost money.

I have to use it or sell it, or misplace it.

That would be difficult.

Whatever. Not my problem.

It is now.

Your desk, your fish.

What is that, an adage?

One of the newer ones.

See? All fixed.

It doesn't blow any air.

It doesn't?

It draws air.

Oh.

I musta put the, uh, blade on backwards.

Your fan literally sucks.

What else did you fix?

Was that my gas bell?

I thought it was called a dinger hose.

So, uh, can I start workin' on that cooling unit?

Do ya think?

Oh, look, the Avon Lady needs gas.

Pleasure doin' business with ya.

The pleasure's all mine.

Hey, wait.

This fish looked bigger when you were holdin' it.

Your fish, your problem.

Hi, Wanda.

Do you sell, um, flashlights or lanterns?

I'm trying to read a book and it's so dark in our house.

I've been thinking.

You should have the lamp.

Nemo dat quod non habet.

We don't all speak Latin, Wanda.

No one gives what he does not possess.

I thank you.

On behalf of my mother and my grandmother...

Yeah, yeah, family heirloom. I got it.

Have you tried it yet?

The fan?

It was suckin' all the air out of the room.

No, no, the lamp.

I had a little extra time, so I rewired it.

You can cram a 150 watt halogen in there if you want now.

You rewired a turn of the century Featherstone?

It's worthless now.

You knew it was a Featherstone.

Ah! I can't believe I fell for that schmaltzy granny crap.

Wait.

You knew it was worth money and still tried to keep it from me?

I have a weird thing for elephants.

You were gonna rip me off.

You were gonna rip meoff.

Geez, you're a crafty old broad.

I swear.

You're more like me than my own son.

Aww.

So, you're not gonna fight, then?

Not with each other.

No charge for the parts, by the way.

I feel like Donald Sutherland.

I'm guessing there's more to that statement.

Remember that movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers,

Donald had to blend in with the aliens?

It's only a matter of time till people

start noticing my hair and I don't blend in anymore.

Brent, this has got to stop.

You're hair is not fruffy.

It's not puffy.

You know, it barely smells like anything.

Is there a farmer sniffing my head?

People around here just aren't used to mangoes.

All right, so I couldn't fix the gas bell thing.

Ya got me.

I guess you always were the handy one.

Stop talking or I'll make you put the mask back on.

What's with this chicken noodle soup?

There's only 15 noodles in here.

Oscar, keep your eye on the coin.

Ta-daaaah!

What's all this... Ta-daaaah!

What happened to your simple tricks?

Now you've gone all Vegas.

I thought it was a good magic trick.

Who cares what you think, Baldy.

Did he say "Baldy" or "My Dear Boy?"

Don't be hurt.

We're all different. Sure.

I mean who's to say what a normal amount of hair is? Exactly.

Who's to say what normal earlobes should look like?

Right.

What's wrong with my earlobes?