Original subtitles

hello

so

so

[Music]

[Music]

wow

[Music]

[Applause]

and then

after he made this stupid pass up

and i told him off

he had the nerve to ask me to go to the

rated premise with him tomorrow night

can you beat that

i told him i was already going with

somebody else

and i had no interest in going to the

rated premise with him or anybody else

except

dick

are you listening to me no jane don't

you realize it's all over between us all

over

what do you mean i have no feeling for

you jane

we have nothing to say to each other and

i see no reason why we should prolong

this no feeling for me

but dick

i thought we were in love you no jane

you are in love

we are not in love

the things that are important to me

namely the cinema are meaningless to you

consequently you bore me

i wish you'd go now dick what's the

matter have i said something stupid

about one of you oh

i've put together a little packet of

things which you've given me jane

i want you to take them with you

oh won't you please tell me what i've

done to upset you it's not what you've

done jane it's what you are what i am

dick for heaven's sake what does that

mean

i think i deserve an explanation

jane stand up when i'm talking to you

look

it's not just that you bore me it's that

well i don't like girls

in general you don't like

girls

ask your psychiatrist about it

he'll explain it to you

i can love only one thing jane

cinema

goodbye jane dick

are you

are you trying to tell me that you

good-bye jane

don't forget your things

but

but dink

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oh

[Music]

so this is manny the man your all-night

answer to insomnia

reminding you to tune me in again

tomorrow night from 7 to 7 for the swing

in 12 hours of music and confusion

and here's a special reminder to the in

crowd to reserve saturday night for the

latest misadventures of america's

stupidest heroine at the secret cinema

in crowd indeed

[Music]

where's the in crowd anyway

for god's sake why did you tell her you

don't like girls it spoils the whole

story i hear

well you could have told her you had an

incurable disease

all right it's not funny but what's so

funny about being a nelly queen

listen i don't want any more improvising

understand

i think we've got a really big grocer in

this all we need are a few more funny

sequences and a really smash ending and

of course i know how it's going to end

it's going to end with a mad c now dick

i'm going to try and remedy this scene

by dubbing in a new line

can you beat the studio about four

and if you know what's good for you

you'll be on time

[Applause]

[Applause]

hi jane want a piece of my sandwich

hey

twice last night

mr tropo grosso

asked me to work late

and then it turned out he just wanted to

make a pass at me so i told him off

and then he had the nerve to ask me to

go out with him tonight

well that doesn't sound like anything to

get upset i told my boyfriend dick about

it and he suddenly said he was bored

with me we had nothing in common and he

didn't want to see me anymore

he even told me

he doesn't like girls

i don't know

what to do

[Applause]

listen jane do you want my advice

go out with mr tropagasa leptic seal

with him somewhere helen are you kidding

[Applause]

is one of the most desirable men going

he's young

and rich

and well jet-setted

he's an executive jane

most girls would give their right hand

for a date with him and if dick sees you

with him how can we be sure he will see

me listen jane

didn't you tell me that dick goes to the

rated premise discotheque almost every

night

well if you show up there with mr

tropogrosso

how could he help but see you i don't

know

maybe

i wonder what my analyst would say take

my advice

tell mr troppa girl so you'll go with

him to the rated premise tonight

by tomorrow morning

you'll have dick back i don't know helen

maybe you're right

hello

mother oh my god what day is this

oh i'm so sorry i'll be right there

oh i was supposed to be at lunch an hour

ago

once a month we have lunch together

is it too much to ask you to be on time

once a month

i have an appointment in 15 minutes i've

already ordered please mother now don't

you starting on me too

i've had more in the last two days i can

cope with

dick told me last night he doesn't want

to see me anymore

and now a friend of the office is

trying to talk me into please jay don't

tell me anymore i don't want you to

spoil it for me spoil it for you

yes dear

what's the point of paying two dollars

to see it if i know in advance what's

going to happen

mother

what do you think order me how about a

nice turkey sandwich no thank you

i just a cup of vegetable soup and a

mixed green salad please no vegetable

soup

how about

turkey soup no

no i'll take tomato then you sure you

wouldn't like a hot turkey sandwich no

thank you

no

ah

[Laughter]

you know jay

i've seen several episodes of your film

frankly

i sit in that theater people all around

me laughing their head off

for the life of me i can't understand

what they're laughing at

i guess i laughed myself at one or two

scenes but on the whole i didn't find

all those things that happened to you so

terribly funny

i must say though i never thought you

were cut out to have a career in films

did your doctor recommend recommended

his therapy what films mother mother

what are you talking about

by those comedies dear

which you always seem to be getting the

worst of everything

were you trying to hide them from me

everyone's talking about them i've seen

several episodes

i have to run now

i have an appointment uptown

next month do try to be on time after

all you're not a star yet you know

owen jane always show your right profile

if possible everyone says it's your best

angle bye dear

here's your sandwich miss

delicious jerky but i didn't order a

turkey sandwich i ordered a green trying

to tell me my business

[Laughter]

jane helen tells me you have something

you wish to say to me yes

about the rated premise tonight oh so

you've reconsidered my invitation

well yes if you still wanted to of

course

shall i pick you up at your apartment

that would be fine i live i know where

you live jane shall we say eight o'clock

all right and jane

i do hope you'll be prepared to have a

good time tonight well yes

would you excuse me mr tropogrosso

i have a terrible headache

i've got to take an aspirin

hmm

secret

the only way you can get to go is if

somebody who belongs takes you but where

is it when is it i don't know nobody

knows but this friend of a friend of

mine belongs and she said that it's

absolutely fantastic she promised to

take me some time well love what's it

like it's hard to explain exactly but

it's like a movie of the life of this

real dumb girlsie and she doesn't know

that they're making it see and everybody

is putting her on and she just says all

these dumb funny things

oh

[Music]

well it's not exactly parish chic

but i think you're ready to appear the

rated premise

let me look at it

oh helen it doesn't look like me at all

but jane it's the whole point

who wants to look like you

you better get your coat on now mr

triple gross will be here in a minute

helen

have you ever heard of something called

the secret cinema uh there he is now

you'd better hurry

oh helen

i wish i didn't have to go through with

this

don't be silly jane

dick'll take one look at you and fall

flat on his face helen thank you for

everything

you're a real friend

[Music]

reindeer

have you had your dinner

get your greasy hand off me

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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me

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

is

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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hello

is this dr richard's office

oh may i speak to dr richards please

this is jane

listen it's terribly important tell him

tell him something has happened and i'm

very upset

i can't wait for my usual appointment

[Music]

go to a movie

he says to go to a movie

a movie

[Music]

take

one please

can you tell me

who's in jane are you remember miss a

member of what

i'm sorry miss

no one may be admitted to the start of

the next show but i just saw someone go

in someone i have to talk to you can

wait in the lobby it'll only be a few

minutes

tell me

tell me

is this the secret cinema

no one can be seated until the start of

the next show

you can wait in the lobby if you wish

thank you

[Applause]

don't you realize it's all over between

us all over but dick i thought you were

in love no jane you are

we

are not

please

look

it's not just that you born

it's that well i don't like girl in

general

ask your psychiatrist about it

let me explain it to you goodbye

are you trying to tell me that you're

goodbye jane don't forget your thing

[Music]

i'm telling you

goodbye jane

goodbye

jane goodbye

[Applause]

[Music]

i have seen her on the street

[Music]

now

i must be losing my mind

this isn't my regular appointment but

i've got to see doctor right away

i think

i think i'm losing my mind

doctor jane is here tell her i'll be

ready for her in a minute

okay

[Laughter]

the doctor will see you now thank you

now jane just relax and tell me

everything that comes into your mind

doctor

the most fantastic thing has been

happening to me

you probably won't believe it

i can hardly believe it myself

a secret film is being made of my life

a secret film

yes doctor

my so-called friends

my boyfriend

all the people i work for at the office

they've all been making a fool of me i

beg your pardon jane would you mind

facing a bit more to your left please

thank you very much you may continue

last night i discovered where the film

is being shown you did and did you see

this film yourself

no doctor

they recognized me

and of course they wouldn't let me in

but i could hear the sound from the

lobby

i could hear my own voice

saying all sorts of stupid things

and everybody in the world

sitting in there

and laughing at me jamie have you been

exposing yourself to the moonlight again

you remember when you told me that giant

crabs were lurking the subways waiting

to pinch you i warned you against the

harmful eyes of the moon but did you

listen but you've got to believe me

it isn't the moon

i've got nobody to turn to but you

they're trying to drive me insane for

their film

open vibe please jane the moon has made

its mischief with your mind just as i

feared it would but don't worry jane i

think i know how to cure you

doctor

you aren't taking me seriously

they have cameras hidden everywhere

they even have a camera hidden in

your office

my poor mad jane

perhaps this will bring you to your sins

[Applause]

i'm serious doctor

what's that sound

do you hear it

doctor where are you

doctor please what are you doing

doctor help

[Music]

so

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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here doctor no take it back a bit please

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

here yes that's all right

give me the shot helen and i'll cut it

in

doctor it's your greatest film what an

ending

it's a shame though about jane

do you suppose she'll ever recover from

her screen

career probably not

but they'll make her as comfortable as

possible at my asylum

she's paid a great price but of course

she did attain stardom and her fans will

never forget her

will be reviving her film for a year

yeah yeah listen doctor

there's something i've been meaning to

speak to you about

i'm tired of just being your assistant

and playing bit parts or

i want to direct

you want to

direct

doctor

when i took this job you promised me

that eventually i could move up to

bigger things

you said you had plans for me

and i meant that helen

i do have plans for you

but not directing exactly

i have something else in mind

[Music]

do

you